solaris

That is the shorter one (obviously) that sort of gets straight to the point, the next one elaborates more. Thanks in advance for any help How about something in the middle? For example:- "The give me a reason to stay" She pleaded, thinking back over the time they had spent together. Was there any hope for them at all? "Tell me to stay and I will." She squeezed his hand until finally, he met her eyes with his own. Thanks, I really like that. Do you think I need the stuff about her familiy and friends or do you think readers will get why she would only stay for him? Or do you think I don't need to adress that at all? It would really depend on how you had approached her possibly leaving. Has she told her family/friends? If so then a comment from a family member to the effect of "Whatever you decide to do, we will always support you, you know that" Would address the issue without junking up (for want of a better way to phrase it) the emotional scene with her boyfriend/ex boyfriend. As long as there has been character and plot development about their relationship/break-up prior to this conversation, I think readers will understand why she would only stay for him.

That is the shorter one (obviously) that sort of gets straight to the point, the next one elaborates more. Thanks in advance for any help How about something in the middle? For example:- "The give me a reason to stay" She pleaded, thinking back over the time they had spent together. Was there any hope for them at all? "Tell me to stay and I will." She squeezed his hand until finally, he met her eyes with his own.

And this one, but because I've never gad the urge to drink blood it doesn't surprise me I'm having a hard time getting the longing into my mind Help PLEASE? I think what you're doing is breaking up the description, the red phrases stop the pictures forming and dissociate the image and the feeling - they are a bit formal for what you're trying to do. I've taken what I think you trying to do in the bold passage and re-written it, hopefully it will illustrate what I was meaning about the break-up in the description. I'm not saying it's great by any means, but I couldn't think of another way of showing you what I meant. Good luck with the fic. "Suddenly, I was greeted by a combination of smells. Powerful to the point of being overwhelming, the stench of burnt coffee and grease turned my stomach. I felt physically ill, my heightened senses revolting against the assault on them. Part of me wanted to move away but I couldn't, for underneath the grease and coffee was another scent - one that teased my nose. The scent of blood! Rich and tempting it reminded me that I was parched, made my chest ache with longing and sent a kaleidescope of images flashing through my mind. The feeling of skin giving way beneath my teeth, the expression on the face of my chosen victim and the unique pleasure of their blood flowing into my mouth. Shuddering, I forced a measure of control. Acting on my desires was impossible; I must stay hidden, yet the insidious call echoed in my mind - I must resist."

Oh I can just imagine THAT conversation LOL. It could kick up one or two interesting issues for Aden though.

Oh My God! More review when I'm not in shock! Wow! Drunk Geoff kisses Aden, now there's a curve ball for sure. When's the next installment?

I've just read the 3 chapters of this fic...you made my day! I really like the angle you've taken and the Aden/Geoff interaction could make for an interesting backdrop. Awaiting the next chapter with anticipation