Advice on boys

[Jess]

I've had this boy problem for absolutely ages, but it's still driving me insane. I don't mind if people have advice to give or not, I just need to vent! Okay...so I really fancy this guy, who also happens to be my best friend. The problem is, that he lives really far away, so I don't get to see him as mcuh as I'd like to. We basically survive by having very long 'phone conversations and meeting up occasionally. But sometims he's so confusing! Like he'll tell me how much he misses me, how much he wishes he was there to hold me..blah, but then we won't speak for ages (it's now been 3 weeks) for no apparent reason. I try to talk to him, he says he's been "busy". Fair enough, but a text to say he's still actually alive would be nice. And then when we do speak, after he's said all this nice stuff, he starts talking about all thses gorgeous girls at his gymnastics club. And even though we're not officially "together", I get so jealous because I hardly ever see him, and I know if I saw him more then there'd be more chance of something happening between us. I find it really hard to express feelings on the 'phone - I don't like that seemingly eternal silence afterwards! And a text just seems, I don't know, too impersonal. And I'm also so scared of losing our current friendship because I love him more than anything and honestly couldn't imagine my life without him. I just wish he'd get his act together and admit that he likes me too, because when we're together we flirt so much! Meh...boys are so sucky. I miss him. x

[Nicom]

Hmm...

I have no idea what advice to give.

...Kat!!! We need your knowledge! lol

[SfanS]

Hmmmm...

Your commmunications gone whack. He doesn't know how you feel, and you don't know how he feels, by the sounds of it. Perhaps maybe he does like you, but thinks YOU don't like HIM, and is going on about the girls for a coverup? Maybe you just need to ask him what he thinks of your friendship honestly?

Other than that...over to you Kat! please?

[summer_bay_rules]

Maybe he does like you and is going on about these other girls to see how you react so he can try and judge whether you like him in that way or not.

Hope everything works out!

[Skykat]

Since when did I become the expert?!

You're looking at somebody who hasn't had a relationship last longer than a month or two for years now. I get bored after approximately a month and decide its not worth the effort or the stress when I have a large group of male friends who between them tick any box I might need a boyfriend for. Most of them also usually dump their relationship woes on me because I'm the only girl in our group so I get to see the other side, how guys actually think.

And Nicole: I'm glad I seem normal now!

Jeh, Jeh this is a difficult one. It definitely sounds to me as if he's blowing hot and cold and giving you mixed signals. One week he's all phonecalls, saying he misses you and the next...nothing. One of my best friends is exactly like that with every girl he meets including me and I know its because he's insecure and scared of commitment so if he starts to get too close he backs off. I think that may be the case with this boy but I think its more likely the problem is the distance. One day he'll be really keen on you, phoning you all the time because he does like you but the next day he'll see a lot of perfectly nice girls who live by him and it'll probably go through his mind that spending time with them is a lot easier than with you because of the distance. Hence why he'll back off a bit. Its quite probable that talking about other girls is to see how you react, do you get jealous or do you act like a friend? Its quite possible he's trying to suss out your feelings for him. I have no doubt that he cares for you as a friend and I think that if you were living near each other it would probably be more, it still might be but to me it seems like he's not willing to take a chance on something because it would be too much like hard work. That's not saying that he doesn't have feelings for you just that generally (and I am generalising) boys are lazier than girls. Most guys I know would prefer if contact was face to face or through text messages and don't like long telephone conversations wheras girls actually prefer them because a guy actually has to talk to them on the phone if that makes sense. Hence why girls are much more likely to be satisfied with a long distance relationship than a guy is. You say you don't like talking about your feelings down the phone. I'd be tempted to try and arrainge a meeting with him, use christmas as your excuse and when you get there explain to him how frustrating it is when he goes ages without phoning or texting you and that you understand he's busy but you are too and an odd text wouldn't hurt. Just stress to him that because of this distance you feel like he doesn't want to make as much of an effort as you do. If he genuinely cares he'll agree to start making more of an effort and you might also find if you start asking questions in a roundabout way, he'll admit what he feels about your relationship. I don't know the guy so I don't know how likely it is that he'll open up to you but I think you definitely need to try and get to the bottom of how he's feeling and the only way for you to do that is to put yourself out there and say what you're thinking. Its a chance but if at the very least your friendship is worth the effort then you need to get it off your chest.

[~Amy~]

^^ Clever cloggs

[Skykat]

I already told you I can't stay in a relationship so don't really think my advice is worth that much!

[Jess]

^^ That's so not true, Kat! Your advice is fantastic, in fact, considering you don't know the guy, 'tis rather scary, because you've hit the nail right on the head. He is so insecure, and he needs constant reassurance. I guess that's kinda part of what I find so nice about him. All the other guys I know act so 'macho' and I dunno, I don't like it. I also think that the distance plays a huge part...my friend (coincidentally also called Kat ) has said in the past that it would be a hell of a lot easier for me to fathom out his feelings for me if we saw each other more often because we'd "know" if there was chemistry between us, or whatever.

To the best of my knowledge, he's never really had a "proper" girlfriend, and has had a very sheltered upbringing, so is probably scared of having a romantic attachment to someone. Having said that, he's managed to invite himself to my end-of-year formal (yes, it's in July. Yes, he's a very forward planner. ), although the same happened last year and he pulled out at the last minute. I think the thought of meeting all my friends scares him, he's not very socially confident with people he doesn't know. Once he knows you, however, it's a totally different story.

He is one of the few guys I know, however, that actually likes 'phone conversations. Most guys, as you say, don't like telephone conversations because it means that they actually have to talk, but he's the total opposite. Get him talking about something he's passionate about, gymnastics and jazz are the two current favourites, and he can talk to you about it for hours. Ask him about his feelings, and he'll talk about how he feels about his family (he doesn't have a very good relationship with his dad), but not anything else. It's very weird. But, he has said in the past that I'm his best friend in the world and he feels that he can tell me anything, so maybe that will change in the future - we'll see.

I honestly don't know what to do. Part of me just wants to make a move on him next time I see him, but I'm just a big chicken!

But Kat, and everyone else, thanks for all your advice - it means so much to me! And I'm sure you'll hear more of my rambles in this department in the future.

x x x

[~Amy~]

Kat: Don't deny it!

Jess: I say go for it "If its meant to be, it will"

[~Angel~]

A guy that's guy fancies my boyfriend...