MarMar Posted October 22, 2006 Report Posted October 22, 2006 Need to vent a bit. I'm the world's best liar. I lie every day. I put on a smile and face the world, tucking all my worries, sadness and fear away and do the best I can. I can't anymore. Thinking about dropping out of school. I feel talentless, unintelligent and just plain ol' dumb. I have no idea whether or not I'll fail or pass my courses and it feels so hard getting up in the mornings, get my books out and read. Hard to get to class and get involved enough to bother taking notes. I mean, I do take notes, but I'm not reading nearly enough. I get easily distracted and spend too much time in bed, in the bedroom behind the computer. Silently my days slip away, and I cannot find a way to hang on to them. Silently my entire life gets even more messed up, and I cannot stop it. I've never had a real best friend. I want one. Every time I'm in the process of getting close to someone, I close up, pushing them unwillingly away. I don't know why or how. I just do. I know I'll never have friends. It's ok, but it makes me sad to think about it. I'm lonely although I spend every minute I can with T. He's there, but he's not. I'm hiding myself behind my fake smiles. I know he worries. I've asked him if he does, and the answer was yes. We didn't talk any more about it. I never asked him what he worries about - when it comes to me. Is it my mental health? Is it the fact that I don't eat unless he makes me something and asks me if I can please eat it? Is he afraid I'll hurt myself again? Sometimes I want the world to know how I feel and what I'm thinking, but I don't know how.
-Jade- Posted October 22, 2006 Report Posted October 22, 2006 Firstly you talk absolute rubbish when you say you're talentless. No one is and I've seen you're graphics - that is what I call talent, you're amzing at them. Seriously. What courses are you taking? Because maybe they're not the right ones for you. Are you taking graphic design or anything? As for friends, why do you think it is that you push people away? Because you're scared of trusting someone? Or something else? Because maybe if you could work out why then you could find a way of maybe getting passed it. I went through a period a few years ago, where I pushed everyone away and let no one in, I didn't do any work, I didn't communicate with people really. But then when one of my friends got hit by a car (she survived) I suddenly realised life was too short and gradually I've got to where I am now. People in life are horrible and bitchy but you can find people who are truly valuable friends and now I'm really happy. I guess you've got to take risks. Sorry if I'm absolutely no help - I know nothing about you so I'm just going on what you've said above. I just know that a couple of years I had some of the same feelings.
Jess Posted October 23, 2006 Report Posted October 23, 2006 Mar...first off, you're not un-talented. You're an amazing graphics maker and aren't you doing some really intellectual course at Uni? English, or something? I know it's easy for us to say this and it probably doesn't make that much difference if you don't truly believe it yourself right now, but don't let anyone tell you otherwise, because one day you will. Regarding your seemingly inability to make friends...making friends requires trust, and I don't know, but maybe you lack this because you've been hurt and let down in the past, but are there no counselling services in your area, where you can just sit down with a new therapist, forget about previous attempts and just try and sort everything out. You're not on your own either; you have Terje - he sounds like a really supportive boyfriend. Couldn't you tell your Mum what you'e feeling? I know it may be hard, but she probably doesn't know about any of the stuff that you're going through and once she does I'm sure she'll want to be there for you to support you. You are her daughter, after all. I don't really know where I'm going with this post, but all I really wanna say is; you're not alone, certainly not untalented, and things will improve. Just take one day at a time.
Cal Posted October 23, 2006 Report Posted October 23, 2006 I just got some crap news from the doctors.... I'm back in hospital tomorrow... I have to do another CAT scan and a few tests. I will be staying in for a few days. Just thought i'd let you guys know.
Jackieleanne Posted October 23, 2006 Report Posted October 23, 2006 Awww both you and aaron are back in hospital. Hope that everything goes well. Mar like Jess and others have said you are really talented and bright, I don't really know what else to say other that if you need to talk we are here for you and that I back up what everyone else has said.
Skykat Posted October 23, 2006 Report Posted October 23, 2006 Di, reading through this thread you are dealing with your diagnosis in an incredibly brave way. My mum has suffered from normal epilepsy since I was about eleven and I know it's slightly different but I remember how tough it was for her to come to terms with it. I have so much admiration for your courage through all the battles you're facing and I'm sending lots of hugs plus to tell you that my PM box is always open if you need it. Mercury Girl, I'm not going to patronise you by saying I know how you're feeling because I don't. How you're feeling is personal to you but I've been having counselling the past few years for a number of different things, largely my inability to trust or get close to anyone. People telling you that you're wonderful etc provides a fantastic momentary ego boost but the root of the problem, in my case anyway, is much deeper. My counsellor has given me a really good book to read. It's about lifetraps and how our childhood develops certain traps in our life and as an adult we recreate them because it's the only safety we know. The book explains how lifetraps develop, how we re-create them, how they affect us and how we can change them. It's made a huge difference to my life, it's scary how much I can relate to some of the lifetraps but the book helps you to challenge and overcome them. There's still times when I fall into my lifetraps but I'm an awful lot better because of the book, it really helped me and my Dad read it too and it's helped him with a lot of his problems. I don't know if it'll help you or not and feel free to tell me to bugger off and mind my own business but if you want to know more about the book you can PM me. I'll quite happily post you one of my copies, (I have several) or alternitvely it's available on amazon for aroung £7 so I can give you the link if you think it might help.
Di Posted October 23, 2006 Report Posted October 23, 2006 Di, it does not matter how you label it, you have this. And you are a very brave brave lady to cope with this. And everything else the world throws at you. I really admire you and the strength you and Tom have. Di, reading through this thread you are dealing with your diagnosis in an incredibly brave way. My mum has suffered from normal epilepsy since I was about eleven and I know it's slightly different but I remember how tough it was for her to come to terms with it. I have so much admiration for your courage through all the battles you're facing and I'm sending lots of hugs plus to tell you that my PM box is always open if you need it. Thank You guys . Well there is people a hell of a lot worse off than me!! There is no ammout of feeling sorry for myself, that will make things go away or get better. Even though I have been just doing a wee bit of self pity the last few days. I'm so glad they found out now as life is just gonna get harder and harder over the next couple of yrs esp for Tom. At least I know I'll be as healthy as I can be, to get Tom and myself through it.
claire_louise Posted October 24, 2006 Report Posted October 24, 2006 Skykat, could you post the title of that book? It sounds interesting. Mar, I'm not going to churn out any cliches because I know they won't do any good. But please know that you're not the only one who feels this way. You're not alone and there are many people who can empathise with you, and also many people who love and care about you. That's got to be something to be thankful for.
Skykat Posted October 24, 2006 Report Posted October 24, 2006 Sure. The book is called 'Reinventing your life' by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko. It's a new therapy called schema or lifetrap threapy which suggests that everybody has certain lifetraps bought on by individual characteristics and childhood events. These lifetraps are like a pattern for our lives and even though they're destructive we subconciously re-create them. Say for example somebody has an abandonment lifetrap, started from something minute in their childhood, in adult life they might push people away and not let people get close because they're scared that if they let people get close they'll be abandoned again. There's eleven lifetraps in total and I found it really strange when I read the book just how many I had and how my actions everyday only make my lifetrap worse. Even though I know it's destructive I still do it. The book gives ways to confront your lifetrap, disprove it and ultimately fight back against it and overcome it. It's hard work to actually do but I found that when I really did what the book suggested it really did work. Not saying it'll work for everyone, just that it did for me. If you go to Amazon and type in the title it brings it up. It's about £15 (english pounds) to buy new but if you click on the new and used link just below the title you can get good quality copies from around £7. Let me know if you decide on it and if you do, if it helps.
MarMar Posted October 24, 2006 Report Posted October 24, 2006 I've ordered the book. Boyfriend is very pleased.
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