Support Group

[MarMar]

Long rant ahead. May contain triggers.

My mother always goes on about this "horrible teacher" I had during my first few years of elementary school - she was a sociopath. Really.

But, surely, she can't be the reason why I don't remember the rest of it. I have a few memories - my father leaning over my mother, trying to strangle her, while I, chokingly, try to make him stop. My mom gasping for air. My father chasing my sister as she flees into the bathroom. I don't know if it's real, it feels so dream-like, but I think we even locked him out of the house once, and locked all the doors and had to escape through a window.

Is he the reason why I don't remember, why I don't want to remember. Horribly, still, is he why I don't want sex. My depression is a part of it, sure, but is he the reason I freeze up, go all quiet and start to shake and cry until T leaves me alone. Why I curl up at the end of the bed and hyperventilates myself into a state of panic?

But, what if this is all in my head? Really "all in my head" - I cannot remember how it all started, so who's to say I didn't make this up, and have created these problems for myself. I don't know. I doubt my insanity at times.

I finally told T (what I at least think is) a memory of my father and my insecurities of possibly being molested in my childhood. I told him I don't want it to sound like an accusation towards my father, because, it might not be anything at all. The little talk before he drifted off to sleep made me realize something, though - I couldn't get myself to say "my father" to him, and had to have him say it for me.

It's been 2 years, and some, since he died, and I have never really grieved. Of course, I cried when he died. It was T who told me the news. I was staying at his parents' house when it happened - my mother and I have had plenty of falling outs - I guess we're to similar to work around each other for longer periods of time. "You're father has passed away", he said, and I cried and he held me. The week after I started my final exam in advertisement/illustration/design - my last year of high school, and of course it affected my performance. I didn't tell the teachers anything, but I guess my mother called the school, letting them know what had happened as my main-teacher yanked me aside after the "graduation" ceremony, telling me how brave she thought I was. The teacher I had during my first year knew as well - my mom called her when my dad first got sick. I didn't want to talk about it. Only a few people in my class knew, and no one knew the full story. I don't know how to talk about him. I don't know how to grieve a person whose caused me so much pain.

[Skykat]

Merc that's terrible and completely understandable that you wouldn't want to grieve for him. I'm no expert on this sort of situation but I'd think that if these things did happen then they will very definitely still be in your head and its highly likely that you'll have built a barrier around them. It's great that you're able to talk to your boyfriend about them because I'm a big believer that to get past something you have to first confront it, as painful as that may be. Have you tried writing your feelings down in a letter, one to your Mum and one to your Dad? I found that when I tried to explain my feelings on paper, stuff I'd never really dealt with kept coming into me head and I ended up writing loads. Once I was finished though I had a huge cry and then burnt the letters in the garden and I felt like a weight had been lifted. For me, accepting that my parents made mistakes meant confronting them and even though I hadn't done it in person, it still felt like a relief. Obviously my problems are nothing on what you're talking about but it might work. I really think you need to speak to someone though Merc, have you thought about counselling?

[MarMar]

Thanks, Skykat. Yes, I'm thinking about counseling, more now than before. I've had a few long online chats to a friend of mine, who's been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I know her in real life too, but I have huge problems with my self-confidence and communication/socialization, so we just talk about hard stuff online. She commented on how I seem to be very "on and off" - suggesting I should be checked for bipolar disorder. I told her my "ups" are not as "up" as the normal symptoms say, and she said this is normal - not everyone experience such "ups" and "downs" as is seen as the norm.

[Skykat]

I would seriously encourage you to try it. I didn't think I needed counselling and if they'd have given me a choice I'd never have gone. Fortunately I didn't get a choice because it's really, really helped me. If you've been having anxiety attacks and depression you may be able to get free counselling. Saying that I don't know if you have a National Health Service the way we do. *Feels very ignorant.*

[MarMar]

We pay a lot of tax, so a lot of the health service is free - however, I'm over 18, and I don't think I'll get it for free.

My main problem with asking for help is that I have this problem communicating my issues - My mom doesn't know anything, and I'd like to keep it that way. I don't know, I just feel silly, I guess.

[Skykat]

That makes sense but thats also the good thing about counselling. You book the appointment, you do the talking but they guide you into saying things by asking questions. They make you think about things that on your own, you'd quite happily bury. I used to come from sessions feeling so vulnerable because I'd said so much and I always used to wonder where all the stuff I said came from. The fact is though that the stuff in there needed to be said and by asking the right questions the counsellor encouraged me to say it. I'm certain over 18s can get free counselling in this country but like you say, in order to get free counselling you'd probably have to open up to your Doctor, which I never find easy to do. Are you still studying? Because a lot of colleges and Universities over here have counselling services free of charge. You might have to join a waiting list but that's another option.

[MarMar]

I don't know if my uni's got a counsellor/psychologist. I guess the only thing we have is a priest, and that is not on (!)

[AngelRose]

Merc, I don't know if this makes any sense but you can't grieve for your Dad, but maybe you need to grieve/be mad at not having the 'perfect' family the rest of the world seems to outsiders to have.

The 'perfect' family doesn't exsist of course, but still the vast majority of people do deserve it & again the vast majority of people are taught to seek it, so it's ok to greive for the lack of it.

I love Kat's letter idea to; I write 'Dear God' letters sometimes & find them helpful.

Hope you don't mind my speaking up.

[Cal]

I just need to write this down, I'm not looking for any advice or anything.... But if you have any, please feel free to share it.

On Tuesday (28/11/06), my Granny died. That day, I was in school, knowing that at any time she could go. At 10am, when she did die, I was in Business-Org class and I got a strange feeling. Something didn't feel right, I had a feeling that it might have been it.

I know that probably sounds thick, but I felt something...

Mum didn't tell me until I got out of school that Gran had died. She didn't have to say anything, I knew by the look on her face when I got into the car. My first words were "What time?", Mum said 10am....

For some reason, I wasn't that upset. It was probably my way of dealing with it and the fact that I never was close to this Gran. (I was closer to my Mum's Mother...).

I cried a bit on the way home, but not much. When I got home, I went into the bathroom, cried for around 2 minutes... I felt so bad that I wasn't more upset.

Over the next few days, I didn't cry once. I felt so guilty and weird that I wasn't crying.

Then came Friday, which was the funeral. I kept it together until my sister had to read my Gran's favourite poem. I wasn't a blubbering mess or anything, just a few tears and quite a runny nose!

I've been fine today, but since I started writing this, I can't stop crying. I don't know why.... I'm just so confused at the moment.

I'm trying not to get too worked up either. I was told by the doctors that if I get too stressed then I could end up back in hospital, so I'm freaking out about that too! And to top it all off, my cat got really badly beaten up by the dog across the road, his face is almost hanging off him.... it's quite disgustng.

Sorry for the venting.... I feel better.

[MarMar]

Don't feel bad for not crying more at the start! Every deals with death and dying in different ways. It's not bad not to cry or mourn as long as you don't keep it inside of you!