Support Group

[emmasi]

I feel trapped to. I've felt trapped since high school. People always ask you, "what's the worst feeling in the world?" And I always answer "feeling trapped."

I've considered running away. Not seriously, but just as a fantasy. Running away to some place where no one knows me... maybe where there IS no one... just this wide open space of green grass and blue sky where the real world can't touch me.

My parents say I should get a job. I pretty much lived on an island all my life, so having a job was not a very convenient option. It wasn't like I could just catch the bus home or walk on water. I hardly even spent any time with my friends outside of school.

Then when I moved onto proper land, it was my HSC years, and all the teachers go on about "DON'T work while doing your HSC! You'll NEVER pass if you're disctracted from your school work!!" ... total crap, but I was happy enough to use it as an excuse.

I dropped maths in year 10 to do a business services course (secretarial work). Which I promplty failed. I didn't have the internet back then, so I couldn't even type properly. It was kind of pathetic.

So now I have no concept of maths and no business skills, and best of all, no work experience what so ever. So at 21, I'm not feeling a lot of job opportunity out there.

I could have gone to Tafe (technical college) like my smart friends, most of which now have jobs. But no, I went to university. I actually didn't even try to pass my HSC. I handed in assignments and showed up for the tests - that's about it. How I ever got into university is beyond me. But then, it was a visual art course at a university which is apparently one of the easiest in Australia to get into... so I guess there was no great mystery there.

After 3 years of soul destroying criticism from my "teachers" and other students, I packed it in and came back home. Without a degree. I enrolled in yet another university course because I have zero job skills and even less self-confidence. I hate the idea of going into a shop and saying "yes, please give me money to screw up your business and panick when customers ask me things I'm too stupid to remember the answers to!" ... so I'm in another arts course. A better one. I actually enjoy it. But my self-sabotaging nature prevents me from passing subjects. See I have it my head that I don't deserve to succeed because I'm not worth it, because I've never been worth anything in my life. Therefore I fulfill this negative image by failing. And that gives me some strange sense of satisfaction: yes, I'm worthless but at least I was right about it!

Another reason I would like to get away is because I believe that me and my idiotic self-deprecating procrastination is a bourdon on all who know me, and their lives, whether they know it or not, would be a 100 times better without me. They'd feel sad out of habbit or duty - a parent SHOULD feel sad if a daughter up and leaves... but I don't think there'd be much real emotion behind it. I've never been anything but a hassle, and something for them to look at and say "why can't you make something of your life and stop dragging ours down?"

So that's my life story, and that's why I get into "moods," one of which you have all now been partial too. You should feel privilaged.

Oh yeah, I'm also a self-diagnosed hypocrondriac who has gone to councellors and doctors for a pat on the head to tell me i'm a gooood person and i don't haaaaaave to feel bad about myself because i'm a gooooooooooooood peeeerrrssssooooonnnnnn.... uh. huh.

Apparently they know I'm just faking it for sympathy, cause not a one of them have said I've actually got a thing wrong with me. The fits of depression that come on for absolutely no reason would beg to differ but... "everyone feels sad sometimes." So they do, doc. So they do.

Now you see why I don't come in here.

[Skykat]

Em that was a post and a half! Glad you finally got all that off your chest.

The majority of your problems seem to boil down to self confidence. Earlier in this thread I suggested a book to Mercury Girl which was about lifetraps and how certain aspects of our childhood create lifetraps such as defectiveness, isolation etc and how in everyday life we tend to create the lifetraps, ie make ourselves fail because its whats expected of us, what we expect of ourselves and what we're used to. The book defines the lifetraps and I certainly found I related to a lot of them and then it gives ways for you to get past them. It's a lot of work and you have to actually want to change your life to actually do it but I found it really helped me. I'm not saying my self confidence is great now but its certainly no longer as bad as it used to be and people don't walk all over me anymore. if I want something I go for it and get it, my attitude and my outlook has changed and that was the reason why I managed to get up the guts to confront my family and say I was going travelling whether they like it or not. I don't know if you think anything like that will help you but I'm happy to recommend the book if you want to try.

My feeling of being trapped comes from the fact that I feel I don't really know very much about myself. I don't really know who I am, I don't know who or what I want to be, I have no ambitions, no plans, no ideas, nothing and thats why I feel trapped. My travelling is an escape, maybe it'll help, maybe it won't but I feel its something I have to do. I think maybe you feel trapped for similar reasons? Because you don't really know where you're going with your life or even what you want from it?

You certainly shouldn't get a job just because your parents say you should, parents always say get a job, that's their job If you're enjoying your current course then you should stick with it. I don't really know what else to say, you already know I'm in a bit of a wierd mood today and I don't want to say the wrong thing.

[emmasi]

Heh, don't worry. You said all the right things and seem to have it sorted out perfectly. No ambitions. No idea of what kind of job I'd actually want, so no idea of what kind of course I could do to get it. That book sounds good, but you said that I have to want to change... I sort of feel like, if I really wanted to change I'd have done it by now. Maybe there's something about that in the book.

[Skykat]

Sure. The book is called 'Reinventing your life' by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko.

There's eleven lifetraps in total and I found it really strange when I read the book just how many I had and how my actions everyday only make my lifetrap worse. Even though I know it's destructive I still do it. The book gives ways to confront your lifetrap, disprove it and ultimately fight back against it and overcome it.

If you go to Amazon and type in the title it brings it up. It's about £15 (english pounds) to buy new but if you click on the new and used link just below the title you can get good quality copies from around £7.

As for whether it works if you don't want to change I'm not sure because I did want to change plus I had a counsellor bullying me into it but I'd certainly suggest its worth a read. If for nothing else you'll get a better understanding of why you act the way you do.

[MarMar]

I'm thinking about buying/making a calendar to mark when I have ups and when I have downs + mark if/when I get migraines.

I've already notched off my latest up, which was Friday or Saturday in my Moleskine, and today I've started to get that old sensation of an oncoming migraine - does anyone know if there is a connection?

[Skykat]

Did you start the calender Merc? Seems like a good idea to me. I'll admit I don't know much about bipolars so I couldn't tell you anything about triggers but I'd think that a true record of how you're feeling could be pretty beneficial for when you go for theraphy.

[MarMar]

Exactly. I haven't started it quite yet, but will soon, when I have a calendar. I'll be marking ups, downs, headache, migraine, lunar phases and menstruation.

[Skykat]

Sounds great. Good luck with it!

[Reo]

Deleted

[Eli]

I'm not sure what you should do, Reo... I understand the problem, though.

Any opinions about the problem I posted earlier? (sorry to be nagging about this, but I can't get my mind off it!)