Support Group

[Taz]

It sounds to me as if the only family member who is doing any "pulling together" is you! If I were you i would sit them down and hand a rota of jobs and insist that if you are going to pull together as a family it does not mean you doing everything and them moaning if you dont. Your sister may be 16 but she is old enough to clean her room, put a load of washing on and also to cook a meal once or twice a week. Your Dad needs to stop wallowing in it and help your Mum and you too. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it sounds like all your Dad is doing is feeling sorry for himself. I would also show your Nan your post on here so she can understand for heself exactly what you have been doing and how you are feeling. I'd ask the sister who lives away to come for the week end so you can get a break, and also I'd ask my Dad to employ a cleaner a couple of times a week for the next month or so. They might huff and puff but they'd feel even worse if you made yourself ill through exhaustion. And for the record I dont think you are being a drama queen, or selfish. I think you deserve a medal.

[Skykat]

Thanks for the post. Unfortunately its not that simple. My sister who lives away is a childrens Nurse in Alder Hey ITU so theres pretty much no chance of her coming home and my Dad has been battling clininal depression for nearly a year now, he already tried to kill himself once and I'm so scared if I say anything I'll push him over the edge. My little sister does what she can but shes still at school and studing for her AS mocks, she's already neglecting her revision. My nan already has a fair idea of how I'm feeling and she's trying to help but she's also been pretty unstable for years. Hiring a cleaner is out of the question because theres no money. Dad is on statutory sick pay, halved now because he's been off more than six months and Mum had used all her holiday pay so the only income coming into the house is mine. I can just about afford to pay the bills let alone anything else. I can cope with the work I just can't cope with having to support everyone else when I have no emotional support myself.

[Jess]

I've been watching this thread for a while trying to work up the courage to post here. I don't know if there's any advice I can be given but it'll feel better to talk about it.

I have cerebral palsy, which means I use an electric wheelchair & need help with things like bathing, using the toilet and dressing. However, I have a degree, hold down a part-time, paid job at my local museum. My parents are Irish but I was born in London & consider myself English.

The 'problem' is that now my parents are thinking of retiring back to Ireland and want/need me to go with them. They & I know that, some day they won't be able to pyhsically look after me (or be around), forever, but they want me to have relatives around in the future. It's not that I don't love my family, but their job is to be my family not just my Personal Assistants. I could have PA's & all the other things I need in Ireland to.

Knowing that H&A airs over there is one of the reasons I got back into it & joined here. I've been trying to assess the parts of my life that I could 'pack in my suitcase' should I chose to and take with me. H&A & the net are just 2 of those constants.

Part of me wants to stay in London because it's the city I know and love and partly because the ONLY reason this is a problem is because of my wheelchair, I hate my chair for that! I'm 33, single (never had a boyfriend), and if I was 'disability free', I can't know for sure but it's likely I'd be married and maybe have kids now.

Life in Ireland might be good, I might get a job, somewhere to live independantly, & TRUELY I haven't made up my mind or my heart, but I HATE the fact that is a choice I have to make because my life has left me no choice!

I also HATE the fact that this is no-one's fault and I have no-one to blame, no-one to fairly be angry at but I'm trying SO HARD not to vent in unfair ways to blameless people; sadly for you, that means I might need to vent here now and then instead.

Thanks for reading.

AngelRose...I seriously admire you! And I'm not just saying that, either...I have CP and I guess I'm lucky, I'm not in a wheelchair and I lead a pretty normal life. But, even so, I'm still terrified of doing all the things that "normal" people my age do. I rarely go out with my friends, because I guess I'm going through that weird teenage phase where I feel really self-conscious and when people say that 'sticks are for old people', it's not the biggest confidence boost in the world. So, going to University and getting a proper job scare me stupid...I can't walk for long periods of time, and I've had a lot of surgery. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you've done most of the things that I'm so scared of doing, and you seem to have done fantastically. Maybe staying in London will improve your confidence even more...and there are people that will be able to help you. Like others have said, if it doesn't work out, you can go back to Ireland knowing that you've tried. IMO, it would be virtually impossible to move back to London after moving to Ireland and it might turn into one of those things that you regret not doing. And life's too short for regrets. But I totally understand how hard it would be. I wanna study Italian at University (if I end up going) and it means spending a year in an Italian university, and the prospect is so daunting!

And I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has the urge to get so angry because there's no-one to blame. I know that in a lot of ways, I'm incredibly lucky, but still, I have my moments when I wonder "why me?" But then I feel worse, because Mum starts to blame herself (I was 9 weeks early and had massive cerebral bleeding0 and I try to persuade her that she's not to blame, but sometimes it's so hard to make me say that.

I don't really know why I just wrote all this, I guess I needed a place to vent, too. But, whatever you do, make sure it's the right choice for you. And, no, you're not alone.

[AngelRose]

Skykat *HUGS* I dont want to say anything trite to you so please take the hugs as they're meant, ok?

jeh-jeh thanks for your kind words; I wish I deserved them but I'm greatful anyhow.

I go through stages about my disabilty; it's like I hate it but I hide behind it to. It's my emeny & a friend at the same time; it's the enemy that's trying to stop ever being a girlfriend or whatever but the friend keeping me safe from those pains to.

I know I'd a useless girlfriend because I wouldn't even know where to start but it would still be nice to have someone to be around at Christmas or whenever.

I gave up alcohol a while ago (my choice), but right now if I thought anything would be different when I sobered up I'd get hammered.

I can't see the future just now.

[MarMar]

Skykat - I'm so sorry, I have no idea about what adivice to offer you. You are so strong! But! You need help. Yes, you're afraid to push your father over the edge, but by not saying anything, you'll push yourself over if you're not careful. Is there any social service you can talk to, to get help both with the house, caring for your mother and for yourself as well?

I won't even go into details of my own trouble as you have more on your plate than you need already.

[Emmadolly]

Emmadolly:

I definitely see why you're worried about her. She's what - 16? Now, I won't go all "adult" and "pruneish" and say she shouldn't have sex, but having two sexual partners in the last 3 weeks is a lot. At least I think so. It's good that you talk to her about being careful and all that - is she on any birth control? And if she is, do you talk to her about the importance of using condoms even though she is?

I think it's a good idea for you to get her professional help with her feelings and how she behaves. I think girls should have sex with whom they want and how often they want it, but that doesn't mean this is ok in this situation, nor at her age. I can't be all judgmental, as I lost my virginity rather early, and had sex regularly, but (no ofence here), I have been using double protection from the start (the pill and condoms), because I'm scared of getting pregnant. I see your worry about her sexual partners, as you don't know if they're "clean" or not - right?

Good luck!

Thanks for you reply.

Danica has been on the pill for several months, her choice. When she told me she was on the pill, i did not shout at her or tell her off, as i saw she taking responsibility for her own actions, and i have talked to her about the use of condoms. I have told her so many times, that when you sleep with a partner, you are also sleeping with their previous partners. It all boils down to her mum not paying much attention to her, when she became a teenager. And after the relationship between her and her mum has totally broken down, we are are trying to help her as much as we can. It is not as if she is stupid girl, she is a A student, and wants to be a Physiotherapist. I also lost my viginity early, but it seemed to make sence what my mum would tell me, and we were never really close. But Danica and us have a great bond and friendship, and i have had a long talk to her, and so did her father, and her grand parents. But it usally last a few weeks, and then it just falls out of her head. As she is such a beautiful kid, she gets lota of attention, but it is the wrong attention. She never dresses trashy or sluty, but she is just a huge flirt.

[Skykat]

Thanks Mar and AngelRose. Theres nobody really I can ask for help but hopefully it shouldn't be for too much longer. Once Mum's back on her feet fingers crossed everything will go back to normal. I'm on holiday for the New Year so provided Mum's back on her feet and I can go that'll be a good break from everything. I think I just need to put up and shut up for now, I'm a right whinger sometimes. You can always tell me your problems Merc, its a nice distraction sometimes to worry about someone else. I feel better just for getting how I'm feeling off my chest.

AngelRose your hugs are really appreciated and straight back at'cha. You already know I don't really know how to advise you on what you're going through, I feel selfish even bringing up my problems when yours are so much worse. You know where I am if you need to vent though and same goes for you Mar.xx

[MarMar]

Emmadolly - it's great that you have such a good relationship with her - I'm sure she appreciates it! I don't know what to say, except show her your love as much as you can, and then maybe she will begin to love herself enough to take better care of herself.

Skykat - I really hope you'll be able to go on that vacation - you could sure use it!

I am aware that I have very, very stiff muscles in my shoulders. So bad that now I cannot bear anyone touching them. Not even myself. However, it has now reached a whole new level. My entire upper body + some part of my upper arms, over bellybutton-lever is so sore and achy it hurts to move. T cannot even hug me anymore.

What's up with that?!

Will also mark another down going arrow in the calendar today - I feel totally lost and alone. Like - my only friends who can actually show me any attention doesn't. I don't blame them, though. I know that I have again worn my heart on my sleeve and that I have leaned on them too much. They've got their own problems, and certainly don't need mine as an extra burden.

[AngelRose]

Thanks for the hugs Kat but please don't feel selfish you have as much right to vent as anyone here.

I just looked up the Samaritains number, half-dialled and hung up; I don't even know if they'd listen to my sort of problem. They are for people who are REALLY hurting; I'm just confused, mad, lonely and scared; I'll survive

[MarMar]

You're hurting, aren't you? Call them! That's what they're there for.