Support Group

[Skykat]

The best advice I can give you is to be there for your friend and make sure she gets help. I've been your friend and admitting you have a problem is the hardest thing in the world, your friend has taken a huge step in admitting it but things won't get any easier for her anytime soon. Beating anorexia isn't an easy thing to do, it takes will power and theres always a deeper root cause behind anorexia which needs to be explored by Doctors and Therapists before she can beat the disease. I know when I was in your friend's position I was so scared I pushed everyone away and my closest friends were always complimenting me and saying nice things but I was convinced they were ganging up on me. On a subconsious level though, some of what they said must have penetrated and they never gave up, even when I was abusive, cruel and pushed them away. My best advice for you towards your friend is to stick with her no matter how horrible she is, how much she pushes you away or upsets you. When she comes through the other side she'll be so grateful. Be firm about her treatment even if you think you're being hard on her, she MUST continue with it, no matter what. Let her talk about things in her own time but continually tell her you're there for her if she wants to talk about anything. Boost her self esteem, not in an over the top way, showing her with compliments but little things like you look great today, you really suit that colour etc. It won't be an easy time for her or you but if you stick with her and she beats this you'll have a friend for life. The most important thing is to keep her in treatment though and don't let her back out. if that means losing her friendship in the short run then so be it, when she beats the disease you'll be so much more of a friend than if you'd have left her to it.

Edit: Reading your conversation with Merc I'm not sure I answered your question exactly. Anorexia has far deeper implications and I've found from people I talk to that its not just one trigger but a number of ingrained problems, stemming from childhood and built upon all through her life. This has been probably building and building so that the smallest, most insignificant thing triggered the sudden weight loss. There isn't anything wrong with your school's approach, its important your friend is kept an eye on but its more important that she sees a counsellor and gets help with the root problem, the inherant self loathing and lack of control that triggers anorexia. That's the most important thing. Having her eat again is only a short term solution, anorexia is a hugely psycological problem and without help on the psycological side she'll struggle to come through.

Her dance teacher has absolutely the wrong approach and needs to be told so. Banning chocolate sends out all the wrong signals and in a roundabout way puts on as much pressure as somebody making a snide remark about weight. somebody needs to point that out to this dance teacher before they ruin any more lives.

[~Lynd~]

Banned from ALL chocolate?That seems a bit extreme.I'm in no way qualified to help here but i agree with Merc,monitoring her eating without finding out the real reason isn't going to help,people don't stop eating for no reason.

[Jess]

The best advice I can give you is to be there for your friend and make sure she gets help. I've been your friend and admitting you have a problem is the hardest thing in the world, your friend has taken a huge step in admitting it but things won't get any easier for her anytime soon. Beating anorexia isn't an easy thing to do, it takes will power and theres always a deeper root cause behind anorexia which needs to be explored by Doctors and Therapists before she can beat the disease. I know when I was in your friend's position I was so scared I pushed everyone away and my closest friends were always complimenting me and saying nice things but I was convinced they were ganging up on me. On a subconsious level though, some of what they said must have penetrated and they never gave up, even when I was abusive, cruel and pushed them away. My best advice for you towards your friend is to stick with her no matter how horrible she is, how much she pushes you away or upsets you. When she comes through the other side she'll be so grateful. Be firm about her treatment even if you think you're being hard on her, she MUST continue with it, no matter what. Let her talk about things in her own time but continually tell her you're there for her if she wants to talk about anything. Boost her self esteem, not in an over the top way, showing her with compliments but little things like you look great today, you really suit that colour etc. It won't be an easy time for her or you but if you stick with her and she beats this you'll have a friend for life. The most important thing is to keep her in treatment though and don't let her back out. if that means losing her friendship in the short run then so be it, when she beats the disease you'll be so much more of a friend than if you'd have left her to it.

Thanks, Skykat (and Merc, for that matter). I just feel so bad for her, but I really hope that she gets the treatment she needs, instead of just being "forced" to eat; that won't work.

Banned from ALL chocolate?That seems a bit extreme.I'm in no way qualified to help here but i agree with Merc,monitoring her eating without finding out the real reason isn't going to help,people don't stop eating for no reason.

Yep, I know. And, I know...I think the monitored eating is just a gimmick to placate her mother.

[Jess]

The best advice I can give you is to be there for your friend and make sure she gets help. I've been your friend and admitting you have a problem is the hardest thing in the world, your friend has taken a huge step in admitting it but things won't get any easier for her anytime soon. Beating anorexia isn't an easy thing to do, it takes will power and theres always a deeper root cause behind anorexia which needs to be explored by Doctors and Therapists before she can beat the disease. I know when I was in your friend's position I was so scared I pushed everyone away and my closest friends were always complimenting me and saying nice things but I was convinced they were ganging up on me. On a subconsious level though, some of what they said must have penetrated and they never gave up, even when I was abusive, cruel and pushed them away. My best advice for you towards your friend is to stick with her no matter how horrible she is, how much she pushes you away or upsets you. When she comes through the other side she'll be so grateful. Be firm about her treatment even if you think you're being hard on her, she MUST continue with it, no matter what. Let her talk about things in her own time but continually tell her you're there for her if she wants to talk about anything. Boost her self esteem, not in an over the top way, showing her with compliments but little things like you look great today, you really suit that colour etc. It won't be an easy time for her or you but if you stick with her and she beats this you'll have a friend for life. The most important thing is to keep her in treatment though and don't let her back out. if that means losing her friendship in the short run then so be it, when she beats the disease you'll be so much more of a friend than if you'd have left her to it.

Edit: Reading your conversation with Merc I'm not sure I answered your question exactly. Anorexia has far deeper implications and I've found from people I talk to that its not just one trigger but a number of ingrained problems, stemming from childhood and built upon all through her life. This has been probably building and building so that the smallest, most insignificant thing triggered the sudden weight loss. There isn't anything wrong with your school's approach, its important your friend is kept an eye on but its more important that she sees a counsellor and gets help with the root problem, the inherant self loathing and lack of control that triggers anorexia. That's the most important thing. Having her eat again is only a short term solution, anorexia is a hugely psycological problem and without help on the psycological side she'll struggle to come through.

Her dance teacher has absolutely the wrong approach and needs to be told so. Banning chocolate sends out all the wrong signals and in a roundabout way puts on as much pressure as somebody making a snide remark about weight. somebody needs to point that out to this dance teacher before they ruin any more lives.

Yeah...she has a very complicated home life and I think that's also a part of the problem. And yes, this dance teacher annoys me to the extreme - although sometimes I wonder if my friend has slightly exaggerated what the teacher has said to "cover up" her problem. If that makes sense.

[Skykat]

Quite possibly, I know I used any excuse possible to hide what was really going on. She has to confront her problems though or she'll never beat them. I'm a huge believer in that.

[MarMar]

Sure that makes sense! I've done so myself. I've tried for so many years to keep my masks up, but they're all starting to fall - just like they are for your friend.

That aside, she might or she might not over-dramatize what her teacher says. I just find it to be something she might do, like you say.

[Jess]

Quite possibly, I know I used any excuse possible to hide what was really going on. She has to confront her problems though or she'll never beat them. I'm a huge believer in that.

Yep...I just hope everything turns out okay...I think this is gonna be a long one...I wish this hadn't kicked off today, no-one can really do anything for her now that school's out, and I know she's feeling fragile, so I don't want to bombard her with texts.

[MarMar]

There's no way for you to be with her over the holiday?

[~Lynd~]

Yes, it makes sence,her exaggerating it to somehow make sence of what she's doing to herself.

Saying such things as ''don't eat any chocolate,it'll make you fat'',is the type of comment that would start a disorder in extremely sensitive people,IMO.Surely the teacher would know that...

[Skykat]

Teachers are human too and its quite possible that the teacher has her own weight issues and so passes them onto her students...

She is wrong in this though and it should be pointed out to her.

Jeh-jeh I'd be tempted to try and spend time with her even if its only a day or two a week if thats possible while you're off school. I can understand you not wanting to bombard her but a few texts like you normally would won't hurt. other than that you just have to trust that her parents stay on top of things, possibly you could keep in touch with them? I'm not sure