Support Group

[MarMar]

It's not rubbish at all! Thanks for taking the time to reply

[Ashirr-Leigh]

Hey.

Not sure if you remember me but I'm hoping that you do.

Not long before I stopped posting here, you helped me out with alot of stuff and I'd love to be able to return the favour right now. Not too sure of what I can say or do to achieve that but I'm here for listening's sake if that'll do any good.

I didn't have the greatest of childhoods myself but things are a hell of alot better now. I understand alot of what you said about not wanting friends round and isolating yourself because I used to do the same whenever I stayed round my mum's. She had a mental illness and was just very .. bizarre. The people she was friends were got her into really bad stuff and she had many an abusive boyfriend. In the end though, she killed herself which I think was probably for the best.

Sounds like an awful thing to say, I know .. but I really don't think my mum could have gotten better. She'd been the way she was ever since my little sister was born. That's 12 years. This life just wasn't for her and I hope she's in a better place now.

I don't know, I feel bad for thinking things like that but I hated seeing her suffer the way she did and I know it's selfish but she didn't exactly make my life any easier .. or my dad's and my brothers and sisters. I live with him now, have done since I was five. He's married to my stepmum and everything's good.

I apologise for the sharing of the life story, don't know what it was in aid of, but it felt like an appropriate place to do it. Everyone has their down days, Mercury_Girl, I sure as hell know that so don't get too down on yourself.

[Liz]

Ash!! Good to see you back!!

I hope life is better for you now and all the support that you got from us made a difference.

[MarMar]

From two days of sheer happiness, contentment and feeling of accomplishment, I think I'm on a steady hill down. Again.

Had a bit of a headache this morning, but not as bad as it has been for the past two weeks, so as it was commented, migraine often comes before the manic state.

It's been a great two days though - I got out of the house and went to the city by car alone. Met with friends whom I've stayed away from, partly because of previous stupidness (read: breakdown), and part shame of said stupidness. Couldn't help but shake the feeling that I was taking water over my head by going in all by myself, but it was great to come home, even with rather tense muscles, have T say he was proud of me and actually feeling proud of myself. I was even very pleased with some of the photos I took last night - posted one on my DevArt-account and was feeling good about it.

That's gone now. I received one comment on it, but that was also the only comment. I know I shouldn't take this personal, but now that I'm starting to slip, I can't help but listen to the ugly voice in my head telling me I'll never be able to make something of myself, all my dreams of ever having an exhibit is wasted energy and that everything I do, every picture I take, every time I pick up the camera is just another way to fool myself that I might, just might, be good at this.

I live for acknowledgment when I post photos - it's silly, and juvenile, but I do. I long to hear that some thing's good, or even crappy. I just want someone to talk to me, tell me that it's ok to dream, and although I'll never get to see my work up on a wall (I know I never will because I will never be good enough) it's ok for me to dream of someday, maybe someday...

It's only in the recent years that anyone has started to comment on the good things I do - I'm not used to this from my childhood, so every compliment I receive is very appreciated but also very soon forgotten. I just can't understand how anyone would want to love me, or that anyone can, in any way.

It's lonely being me sometimes. It becomes extra lonely during the dark winter months when those with lots of close friends go out for coffee and a chat, and I sit alone, unable to reach out, and clueless on how to do so the few days when my mood's good enough for me to try.

T doesn't have the intense need for attention and company as I do. He's content sitting at home playing a game, but I often feel the need to get out of the house and talk to someone. It doesn't have to be about anything serious - just a gos and a laugh.

We've talked about what to do tomorrow - new year's eve has always been about getting out, and in the recent years, go to a party. Not for the booze, as I don't drink, but to see friends and have a good time. It's been decided upon that we don't have any parties to go to, so we'll just stay at home. I can't even begin to tell him how much this bothers me, how I actually long to go to a silly party with lots of drunk people just to not feel as lonely as I do right now, and as I know I will feel tomorrow. I really wish we had anywhere to go, anyone to meet.

[SfanS]

Ooohhh, Merc.

Your post about your childhood before made me want to cry.

The ugly voice inside you is wrong. Have you ever heard the song 'I believe'?

i had to dance to it once. It's in the movie 'honey' and it's a happy song. it makes you want to dream, to believe and to get up and make a fool of yourself dancing.

I heard once you can do anything if you believe, so tell that little voice to take a hike and only listen to the positive things...you need to make the first move!

[Pierced Musie]

I feel unwanted. Have done for a few years now.

It is like the 'rents don't want to spend time with me. Everytime I talk to them they have frowns on their faces, like they are thinking shut up. It is a different story with my sisters and niece and nephew.

I feel like I am only being used as a babysitter for Nan and the only time they are happy with me is when I go out.

For example, Ma and I were going to stay up tonight and watch DVD's. Then older sister comes in saying one of her friends was having a small gathering. She was going to take niece but it turns out they will be going out until late.

The 'rents jump on the chance to have niece here, which means not only am I spending another New Years Eve on my own, I will also be banished upstairs.

This isn't the first time I've been abandoned.

A couple of days ago sister wanted to go to town. Ma jumped on the chance to take her in, something she would never do for me. I'm just put on the bus now. When we were in town they walked ahead of me and I was left alone.

If I say anything like this to 'rents, I'm just told to take my meds. I'm not ****ing depressed anymore!

Am I being selfish or do I have a right to feel this way?

[claire_louise]

I see where you're coming from Jess. Sometimes parents can be very insensitive, but I guess we expect them to be superhuman and obviously they're not. I've been feeling a bit upset with my mum lately - she does her best but I can tell she's pretty much sick of me at the moment. I've been unwell for the past few months and it really gets me down, but whenever I seem upset she does the whole rolling her eyes and tutting thing and basically makes out that I'm a hypochondriac. Maybe I am, but she's my mum - is it so wrong to expect a bit of support? Even just a hug would be enough, without having to ask for it and getting a withering look. I feel so alone because there's no one who I can really talk to without upsetting or annoying them.

[Pierced Musie]

*hugs Claire*

That is exactly how I felt. Ma pulled me upstairs to talk to me and yeah, I see why she has offered niece a place to stay. Lets just say that we don't think her stepfather is safe when it comes to taking of both of the kids.

I don't trust him with them. Especially at the moment, when niece gets evil.

Ma said we are staying up later in the week. Popcorn and horror movies, which she can't watch usually because they are too gross to watch infront of Nan.

[claire_louise]

*hugs back* Thanks.

Aww, that's lovely. See, she does care! Happy new year Jess.

[MarMar]

It's 10:40pm, the year is nearing its end. Outside fireworks light up the sky, and I'm as lonely as I've ever been.