Support Group

[allibaz91]

Mar, I think it's terrific that you were able to open up about all this stuff, even if it might not be everything. It seems like an incredible start to me. Even if you don't feel comfortable sharing all the details, the fact that you're able to admit to these things and face that they are problems speaks volumes for you. You seem like an incredibly strong person to deal with all this.

I think living at home to support your mum is a wonderful thing to do! It shows how caring you really are, that you'd stay there out of a desire to do good for her, despite your own issues. As for your dad, I'm sorry that you had such a hard time, but I can understand why you wouldn't like talking about him, so I won't say any more in case you feel pressured.

From what I can gather, your distrust is well-founded, and if you can admit you're distrustful, then that's a good sign. It means you know it's a problem for you, and you're not suspicious, which is in fact a different thing, although many people think they're the same. And I don't think you're manipulative at all - I think you've had a lot to deal with, and that maybe makes it difficult for you to feel comfortable around others and you're unsure how to deal with issues with friends. Consequently, you avoid having them. But from what I can tell, you're a lovely person, and if you could find some way to let people in, you'd find a lot of people wanted to be your friends. And real-life friends aren't all they're cracked up to be, either. You do at the very least have a lot of friends on here, and we all care for you.

If you don't feel your mother understands, or you don't want her to know, that's fair enough. But if the problem is that you think she doesn't know because she doesn't "care," then I think you need to reconsider. Despite any problems you two may have had, in the past or now, she will always be your mother, and on many levels she will always care about you, even if it's hard to see at times.

And I've never seen you as "stupid," as you call it. So Maths isn't your strong suit - a bad experience with a teacher can put you off-track for a long time. I remember I was in primary five (age about eight or nine) and a teacher told me I'd never amount to anything. For years I stopped caring or trying in school. Stuff like that affects you for years, it doesn't mean you're stupid. Being afraid of numbers, as it were, is more common than you might think, at least here. The fact that you admit to it shows strength, and proves your teacher was wrong - you're not stupid at all, you're smart enough to know your own weaknesses. Many people live in denial over these sorts of things.

Control freak is seen as a bad thing - I prefer to see it as being organised, which many people aren't, to their disadvantage. Liking to know things are running smoothly and on time, etc, is not a fault, it's smart

Headaches, i can relate to, from almost personal experience - my mum went through 18 months of headaches before being diagnosed with a brain tumour (NOT trying to scare you here!!) I know they can be difficult to deal with a lot of the time, but getting them checked out can't hurt, just to be safe. Even if it's nothing serious, it's worth being on the safe side. And you shouldn't have to deal with them - there are plenty of medicines out there that are really effective for headaches!

Not TMI at all - as long as you're comfortable talking about it, I at least am comfortable replying I think this sounds like it could be a psychological thing, although you cant rule out the possibility of a health issue. Maybe it's partly to do with your distrust of others and your feelings (although I think unfounded) of inadequacy within yourself - this could lead you to worry over-much about how things will go, and as a result your mind fools you into thinking there's a health issue, because you have problems feeling safe in intimate situations. This is not your fault, but it is something you can work on over a period of time, if you can find some way of expressing yourself to those closest to you, and they will help you through it.

Paganism, I don't pretend to be an expert on, but I used to be pretty close with a girl who was really into it. Well, she was Wiccan, actually, but I understand that to be a derivative of Paganism If this is the case, I don't see anything particularly wrong with it, if it's something that matters a little to you. As far as my experience goes, any belief system is better than none, and if it interests you then that's all that matters, no matter what anybody else says. Religion and belief is a very personal thing, and it's how it affects you that's important.

You already know I feel terrible for you about the picking, but as far as I was aware you had been making progress. Even if you've had setbacks, the fact that you've made steps to beating it before proves that you have the strength to do it. You just need something to .... can't think of the word. A driving force, I guess, to keep you on track - something to hold onto as a kind of support system. People are good for this, but better than that, maybe, is something to look forward to, or something you're working towards, such as when you beat this thing, you promise yourself you'll be allowed some treat or other (for me it would be a massive chocolate sundae, but that seems a little trivial here )

I happen to think you're incredibly talented at your photography, and it's a good outlet for your feelings. It may frustrate you at times, but everything in life has minor drawbacks. The important thing about it is, it makes you happy, and keeps you occupied.Whenever you do feel frustrated with it, just remind yourself that most of the time you love it, and it keeps you focussed and concentrated on things other than picking. It's a hobby - we all get annoyed with them sometimes, but subconsciously we really need them to get us through.

Mar, I hope I've covered at least some of the things you ought to be hearing right now, and I only wish I could say more to help. You have to know that it isn't just words, I really do mean this, and I want you to know I am there any time you need to talk about anything. Even if it seems unimportant, the little things can build up and get you down more than the big things, sometimes.

And for the record, I did not read and reply because I was bored. I wanted you to know that I'm here any time. Kepp up your spirits, Mar. Everyone here is behind you!

[claire_louise]

I'm tempted to say "name 5 people", but it'd just be too depressing.

You only have to count the number of people who reply to your posts, and it's a lot more than five.

[allibaz91]

^ Claire_louise, I agree with you, Mar has many friends here!

There's another to add, Mar

[MarMar]

I don't think you know, but you've brought a tear to my eye. I'm amazed how much someone I don't know and haven't met can care about me. I find myself to be rubbish and useless most of the time.

Nothing's decided yet, but if T gets a new job, one where he has some days off and work nights instead I'll take that big and scary step and see if I can get some therapy. He's said so many times in the past that he'll come with me if I want. And I do. I can't do it all by myself and I'm gonna need that extra push.

Thanks for replying. Really. It means a lot.

[Jess]

Mar, did anything ever come of the email you sent to the Uni. therapy group? I remember you sent it and then didn't get a reply. I was just wondering if anything more ever happened?

Seriously, there are so many people who care about you. We all want you to be happy. because we can see all your amazing qualities - your care and concern for others, your hugely artistic nature and your flair for languages - and it would be so awesome for you to be able to see these things in yourself. I know how hard it can be; sometimes I feel the same and I wonder how anyone can ever like me as a friend, but once you truly accept it then things become so much easier.

And I just wanna agree totally with all of allibaz91's post above. You're such a strong person and your caring nature is totally exemplified by your attitude towards your mum. You've admitted that you've got problems within yourself and that is totally the first step towards dealing with them. It has to be totally your decision, of course, but I really think therapy will be so useful to you and you're so lucky to have a guy like T. He sounds amazing. He obviously loves you a lot.

[allibaz91]

Well I'm glad I could do something to help, at least. And I do care, really - I've had my share of problems before, and I know how it can feel to think nobody wants to hear about it, or that you're not important. I promised myself a long time ago I would never let myself feel like that again, and I'll be damned if I'd let somebody as nice as you put yourself through all this alone, either!

Going to therapy is a major step, and it may seem scary, but in the end it will give you so many more positive results than you can imagine. I think the fact that you do want to go to therapy, and that you have somebody willing to go with you and support you, shows just how determined you and everyone around you are to beat this. It's all uphill from here, as long as you remember you have people who want to support you and help you, if you'll let them.

I certainly didn't mean to make you cry, though!

But if it was in a good way, then I'll take it as a compliment

We're all here for you, Mar, and I'll certainly always take the time to reply, as long as you keep posting and still want to listen to my ramblings in my attempts to be of some use. If you ever need to talk about anything, remember I am here

Edit: I also want to say I agree with Jess, you're very lucky to have a guy like T who supports you this much. You guys must be happy together. And you deserve nothing less, either.

[Eli]

I don't think you know, but you've brought a tear to my eye. I'm amazed how much someone I don't know and haven't met can care about me. I find myself to be rubbish and useless most of the time.

Nothing's decided yet, but if T gets a new job, one where he has some days off and work nights instead I'll take that big and scary step and see if I can get some therapy. He's said so many times in the past that he'll come with me if I want. And I do. I can't do it all by myself and I'm gonna need that extra push.

Thanks for replying. Really. It means a lot.

I replied in your LJ too, but I just thought I'd add:

You DO mean a lot to people!

I don't know if you care as I'm just a someone on the internet, but you are one of the people I have met online who have amazed me most. By that I mean that you are one of the people I think of most as a friend. The way you even though you have your own problems take the time to read a LJ entry about something un-important, and reply can mean a lot if you're having a tough day, and at the same time you are a person you can have many different kinds of convesations with, and also someone who never hesitates to give a good advice or some supporting words!

[MarMar]

Mar, did anything ever come of the email you sent to the Uni. therapy group? I remember you sent it and then didn't get a reply. I was just wondering if anything more ever happened?

Seriously, there are so many people who care about you. We all want you to be happy. because we can see all your amazing qualities - your care and concern for others, your hugely artistic nature and your flair for languages - and it would be so awesome for you to be able to see these things in yourself. I know how hard it can be; sometimes I feel the same and I wonder how anyone can ever like me as a friend, but once you truly accept it then things become so much easier.

And I just wanna agree totally with all of allibaz91's post above. You're such a strong person and your caring nature is totally exemplified by your attitude towards your mum. You've admitted that you've got problems within yourself and that is totally the first step towards dealing with them. It has to be totally your decision, of course, but I really think therapy will be so useful to you and you're so lucky to have a guy like T. He sounds amazing. He obviously loves you a lot.

I finally heard back from the uni counselor. It seems the group is mostly for problems with school. Of course, my problems affect my school work, but they're not coming from school, but from something else. I think that if I should get therapy I'd rather choose my own counselor than just go for the free, and maybe not a good, option.

Thanks for your reply

Well I'm glad I could do something to help, at least. And I do care, really - I've had my share of problems before, and I know how it can feel to think nobody wants to hear about it, or that you're not important. I promised myself a long time ago I would never let myself feel like that again, and I'll be damned if I'd let somebody as nice as you put yourself through all this alone, either!

Going to therapy is a major step, and it may seem scary, but in the end it will give you so many more positive results than you can imagine. I think the fact that you do want to go to therapy, and that you have somebody willing to go with you and support you, shows just how determined you and everyone around you are to beat this. It's all uphill from here, as long as you remember you have people who want to support you and help you, if you'll let them.

I certainly didn't mean to make you cry, though!

But if it was in a good way, then I'll take it as a compliment

We're all here for you, Mar, and I'll certainly always take the time to reply, as long as you keep posting and still want to listen to my ramblings in my attempts to be of some use. If you ever need to talk about anything, remember I am here

Edit: I also want to say I agree with Jess, you're very lucky to have a guy like T who supports you this much. You guys must be happy together. And you deserve nothing less, either.

Yes, he really is the most amazing thing that's happened to me. We might not be totally open with each other all the time, I mean - I'm not always, but he's always there even if I just need someone to hold me. Sure, I might be more independent if it weren't for him, but I might just as well not be here today. He's made me make it though so much. If he hadn't been here last night I would have done something bad. He doesn't even know how bad last night was, but if I had walked to the bathroom or the bedroom, or somewhere else, and closed the door, he'd known something was up, and he'd be there. Just having him sit in the couch and play PS2 keeps me from doing bad things.

Therapy is something really scary for me. I'm just scared I won't be taken seriously. It's a silly concern, I know. That, or that there's nothing wrong with me. I don't know which would be worse - being dismissed as a hypochondriac or being told that my life is this way and there's nothing to do about it.

I replied in your LJ too, but I just thought I'd add:

You DO mean a lot to people!

I don't know if you care as I'm just a someone on the internet, but you are one of the people I have met online who have amazed me most. By that I mean that you are one of the people I think of most as a friend. The way you even though you have your own problems take the time to read a LJ entry about something un-important, and reply can mean a lot if you're having a tough day, and at the same time you are a person you can have many different kinds of convesations with, and also someone who never hesitates to give a good advice or some supporting words!

I don't think you know how much your words mean to me. I don't see any amazing qualities in myself at all, but you guys seems to think there's some. And, of course I care, you're one of the people I've bonded the most with over the shortest period of time.

Again, thank you all. You save me in so many ways I don't think you even realize that you do.

[allibaz91]

Mar, a therapist's job is to listen, and to help you. They wouldn't dismiss you as a hypochondriac, because you're not one, and you're there to get their help. They have a duty to give it. If anything, I would think they would start off by being impressed that you have the courage to go, given everything you have going on! As for there being "nothing to do about your life," that's also not what they do. They're there to help you, by listening and offering their professional opinion. They train to deal with people who are like you, who need their help and who really deserve a second chance.

I don't mean to sound patronising here, by the way, in case anybody thought I came across that way. I just wanted to allay your fears about going to therapy. I know why you're scared, but at the end of the day, they are professionals, and if you go to them for help, they can't turn their back on you. And they wouldn't. Your fears are understandable, but there's no need to worry. Going is the right thing, and you'll find that getting help is its own reward, when you start to realise that what they're telling you are truths that you always knew about yourself, but were too deeply upset to recognize within yourself.

You're a good person, Mar, and this is an incredible step for you. And I don't know about "saving," you, but if in fact we do, then I'm glad. One thing I always want is to make a difference to somebody - make sure people I know and care about don't feel totally alone. You deserve more than that.

[MarMar]

I don't really know what to respond other than "thank you".

just to have someone listening to my whining is... amazing. I hope I can come across just as supporting when one of you needs is.