Support Group

[MarMar]

Selfish moment:

I turn 21 this year.

When the oldest sister turned 21, she got a cheque for quite a bit of money (over 2 thousand pounds) because of a policy Ma & Pa took out when she was born. She pretty much wasted the money, but that sums her up anyway.

When other sister turned 21, she got a cheque for money. She didn't get as much as other sister but got a fair amount. She put it to good use.

A policy was never taken out for me. My 'rents keep telling me that I'll get some money but it won't be as much as the others. I've told them it doesn't matter but they've said they will give me some. It will just have to be in installments.

I've put on a brave face but deep down it kind of hurts. My oldest sister said not to worry because I will only waste it. Ma didn't like that at all and keeps telling me I will get some money.

Is it selfish it feel hurt? We do struggle but we get by. The only reason the 'rents struggle is because we have to help out my other sisters .

As a side note, the money was going to be put into an account anyway, ready for driving lessons or an apartment.

I totally get you!

I'm the youngest, and I haven't gone the roads my sister did. For one, she got a horse when she was 12. I'm terribly allergic to horses. The horse cost £1000 (in 1991) + stable and everything every month.

She had a confirmation and received quite a lot of money at 14. I decided it wasn't for me, I'd rather spend my time doing what I likes, which was ballet - I practiced 4 days a week and wanted my day "off" for something else. I was told that I would get the same amount of money. I never did.

And, last - my sis got a baby-girl who's now 7. When she was born my mom bought her a sewing machine. My sister has never sewn anything in her life, but my mom said she thought every home should have one. I've been creative and "productive" all my life, from sewing to painting and photography. I've never gotten a sewing machine despite this. My sis was 21 when she got her daughter (long story) and I'm 21 now.

It hurts. Of course it hurts. The job market has been down in the dumps for a few years now, and now that it's getting better again, my mom is too old to get a job (she just turned 60). I know money and things are hard for her. She's long-term unemployed, and after being in that situation for many years it's not easy for her to do the same for me as she did for her. My dad's dead, so that doesn't help either. I know all of this is really selfish.

[swfc]

^ I just wanted to say to Musey and Mar that it's not selfish at all about what you guys are feeling. Especially when you're the youngest in the family and seeing your family all having this so called preference or whatever it is you call it for your other siblings.

It makes you wonder if whatever you do, will it be good enough for them. And when they don't really say what you want to hear, it hurts. And when they promise you something, and you don't get it, it hurts. And for some reason, they come up with some really reasonable answer that makes you believe and understand it at first but then when you start to think about it, you think, that's not fair. And, once again, you've been hurt.

Musey, your sister was really out of line when she said that you would be wasting the money. It was wrong to think that everyone will waste money when they're given some, no matter what the amount is.

I know for a fact that my sister will never say that to me but I've always been in her shadows and I've come to accept the fact that it's because I'm the youngest so I should just sit back and take it.

I really don't know what else to say apart from the fact that I know exactly how you feel and in some ways, I don't feel that I'm alone in feeling that way, and then, having people telling me that I shouldn't be feeling this way because it's wrong.

Sorry if this isn't much help.

[-Jade-]

I kinda get that too, except I'm actually the oldest. lol Basically, I've always tried my best in things, and have done well in exams etc... Whereas my brother has never wanted to try. But what happens is that whenever he's done something good, that I've done just normally, he's gotten all this praise and these rewards. I remember when I took some exams 2 years ago, I got the top grades that I could have. Bu now my brother's about to do those same exams, and my parents are offering him money for getting high grades. I didn't get that, I didn't get anything for achieving my grades, and I know it's selfish because in truth I do the work for myself, but it feels unfair that he gets all this, for the things I did as standard.

I understand that they're incentives, because my brother is clever he just doesn't try, but I still feel a bit cheated in a way. So I totally agree with you all - you kinda understand why it's happened that way, but really, everyone should get, and be treated, the same, and I don't think it's wrong to feel dissapointed when that doesn't happen.

[jackandmarthaforever!!]

Right I need to ask you guys something. Please don't think I'm being silly.

My friend posted a picture of me on her Myspace. I haven't seen it because I don't have myspace myself but my other friends have told me. The site is not private so anyone can view it. I'm very self-concious and I'm not the most photogenic person in the world. Anyway this pic is very bad but is on her site because she thought it was cute. I'm wearing my school uniform as it was taken on a school trip. I'm worried that people will see this pic who I don't know and also my friend didn't tell me if she could use it.

So, what I'm asking is that can Myspace be dangerous. It's not on private but I can't find it when I do a search. She said she'd remove the pic but I'm unsure and I'm not too happy about it. My friend should be sending me a link to it soon but how safe is Myspace and if people don't want their pic on it is there anything they can do? I'm really upset about this.

I knows its really tedious of what I'm complaining about but please could someone answer my queries.

[Pierced Musie]

Contact myspace annonomously and tell them she has put a picture up that was not given permission.

[carmelle]

If you're not comfortable with your picture being up on myspace then you should ask your friend to remove it...and she should.

Considering that you don't have a myspace account she should have asked your permission before putting it up in the first place.

As for who can see the picture and who can't, it depends on your friends page. If she has set it so that everyone can see her profile then everyone can.

However if she has set it so that only her friends can see it - it means that only her friends on myspace can see the profile and anything that she has uploaded on her profile.

I hope that has helped.

[flip]

I agree with Carmelle above. I think you should politely ask her to remove it first and just tell her your not comfortable with it being up there and would like it taken down. If she refuses, then yeah contact myspace anononousmy (haha i cant spelllllllll today!)

[-Karen-]

I agree with what people are saying, your friend should respect your wishes and remove the picture. I wouldn't be happy if the same thing happened to me. In fact I would hit the roof... at speed!! I am quite a private person and I HATE my photograph being taken so if someone was to put my picture on the net I would have to have a few words with them and explain how much I really didn't want it there.

I don't have a myspace account so I don't know anything about what procedures they have in place for this but you could make a hypothetical enquiry to find out what they can do about these situations.

[jackandmarthaforever!!]

Thanks so much Tainted Muse, carmelle, flip and karena for your advice.

My friend has removed the photograph after I asked her and told her not to do it again. The reason why I was so worried was because I was in my school uniform making it very easy for people to identify me and plus the uniform is the type that stands out from the crowd not your normal navy coloured one which is common in the UK. Also, it was a bad pic and therefore quite embarassing for me too and plus I hate others looking at me and commenting. I'm quite self-concious as you can see. But thanks and hopefully she won't do it again as she knows I'd flip!!

Thanks for replying you guys!!!

[Pierced Musie]

Update on the money thing:

I think I may have just screwed myself out of the cash this year. I had a chat with Dad on Friday about the way Mum keeps reasuring me that I will get money and he mentioned that he had talked to her about it because he knew I was worried (my Dad knows how I work lol!). He also mentioned that there is actually a policy that comes out next year and something about it being in his name.

This got me thinking.

So yesterday I asked Dad for more detail but he was a little hazy. I ended up suggesting that, if it helps them, I can wait another year for the 21st birthday money. He said he'll talk to Mum about it.

Did I do the right thing?