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[Ashirr-Leigh]

^It's annoying when some people just don't 'get' you, isn't it? Like they try and give you advice but it just comes out a wee bit condescending. That's what I get from what you posted anyway..

Ok guys, I need some help! I think probably just about everybody knows that I have a 4 year old daughter and anyway.. she asked me about her dad. Nursery has been getting the kids to think of things they can do for Father's Day (I think it's in a few weeks time?) and so it's gotten Ellie thinking about her dad. It's never really been an issue before because she's so young, you know? But yeah, she asked me today where her daddy is.

Of course Ellie has a father but a father is all he is. He's not her dad, her daddy.. anything like that. He refuses to acknowledge her as his own daughter and well, really.. that's fine with me. He's not the type of person I want associated with my daughter. But I don't know what to do. I just sort of brushed Ellie's question off, telling her that she doesn't need a dad when she has so many other family members who love and care for her. I know though that she'll keep asking me now that the thoughts are in her head, she's a persistent, determined wee girl.

Her father is a few days off his 24th birthday and he still lives in the same area as Ellie & I do. We're not friends, we're not anything to each other but his sister sees Ellie all the time, Ellie knows her as her auntie. It sounds all a bit complicated but it's just been so easy because Ellie's young and hasn't been asking any questions about the situation.

So yeah.. my problem is really that I don't know what to do. I don't want to tell Ellie that this man is her father but he doesn't want anything to do with her. No four year old needs to hear that. But then what do I tell her?

It's at times like this that I wish I wasn't only 18!!

[MarMar]

You completely get me, Ashirr! Thanks for replying

As for the father-business, I really don't know what to suggest. I'm sorry

[Ashirr-Leigh]

I had hoped that what I wrote made sense because otherwise I would have been describing myself in what I replied to you.. lol!

I don't think I really expect anyone to come up with a solution to this for me, I just really needed to talk about it a bit. I always knew that I'd have to talk to Ellie about this sooner or later.. just not this soon! I thought I'd be more prepared, you know?

[MarMar]

I guess you always think you'd be more prepared. I wouldn't know the first thing about talking about stuff like that with a 4 year old, but I think you1ll do fine.

[Ashirr-Leigh]

It's just cause she's so young, you know? Don't want to overload her with information.. but don't want to brush her off either.

I just don't want her to think she isn't wanted!

[Eli]

I'm sorry to hear about the money problems and people saying the wrong thing, Mar, I really don't know what to say except that

Ashirr-Leigh, as I don't have any children myself I'm probably not one to talk, but it seems to me that you and your daughter's situation is similar to my friend's and her mother's.

My friend's father left her mother when he found out she was pregnant (she was about 19). My friend has no contact with him, but she knows his name, she knows he's now married and has kids, and she knows where he lives (he lives in Oslo, so it's not that close) and what he does for a living.

She has never met him, but she has never wanted to contact him.

I remember in preschool she talked about him, and her mother had chosen to be completely honest with her, telling her the truth about how he left, but she also made it clear that it was not my friend's fault and that she had a lot of family that loved her and cared about her.

Later she asked her mother more about him, and her mother gave him the information she had on him. My friend chose not to contact him. It's not like she hates him or anything, her view on the issue is pretty much: "We don't owe each other anything, he didn't care about me, and he left us, so I have no wish to get to know him".

I guess she has always known the truth, and she has been okay with it because when her firends asked (children will always ask about these things) she had an answer to it all. Some people though she was adopted (her father is from a different country) but she has never been angry or refused to talk about it or anything. When people ask she talks, but other than that he isn't mentioned.

I'm aware that this isn't the best solution for everybody, it depends on a lot of things, just thought I'd share the story as it seems somewhat similar.

I hope that helped at least a little, good luck

[Ashirr-Leigh]

It did, thank you.

It's just a tricky situation.. she's 4 years old! Not old enough to know all the details and stuff, you know? But I'd love for her to be the way your friend is about it. To not have a problem with it and for it not to be that much of a big deal for her.

Ellie's dad & I were never actually going out.. it was just a thing that happened, that probably shouldn't have but hey, wouldn't take it back now since it gave me my daughter. I was only 13 when she was conceived and he was 19. When I told him I was pregnant he just refused to believe it was his and basically, that was that. I'd rather he wasn't a part of her life but I don't want to lie to her about it.

But yeah, thanks for sharing that with me, Eli. It'll help me!

[Eli]

You were only 13? I have to say you're really brave raising a daughter all by yourself! I didn't even know you had a daughter.

I understand your dilemma (and I want to yell to everyone shaking their heads, mumbeling about child abuse when they see a teenage mother, because I believe that not all of them are irresponsible, which you're obviously proving) because of course she's too young to understand all the details, but at the same time brushing her off (and not to mention lying) might not be a good idea. I know a girl who only found out her brother only was her half-brother when she was 7, and she still blames her mother not for telling her the truth. I'm not saying she should have told her all the details, just not lied to her. That's just my opinion though.

[Skykat]

Firstly Mar, you know I'm always here to listen to your rants so never feel sorry for posting them, we all need to get it off our chest. It does suck when people don't get you. Theres very little I can say to you on your money issues but you know (given my current situation) that I understand what you mean by having something to look forward to (my trip) and something constructive (planning it).

Ash, firstly I have no experience whatsoever of what you're going through but the utmost respect for you. Personal view on stuff like this though is that honesty is the best thing from the start. Maybe tell her for now that she has a daddy but he's not around but its not important because so many people love her that she doesn't need her daddy to be here. Then slowly as she gets older give her more information as she can cope with it but so that she understands. Like I say I have no experience, gut instinct agrees with Eli though that you should be as honest as possible with her.

[Ashirr-Leigh]

Yeah, Eli.. I was 13 when Ellie was conceived, 14 when she was born. It's not been exactly easy but I wouldn't change it.

I think you guys are right though, honesty is best. I'll just tell her what she needs to know for now then more as she gets a bit older. My dad's gonna give me a hand! But yeah, thanks guys.