Support Group

[astogirl24]

MarMar - why don't you definately choose going to England and use condoms instead - surely you can wait a few months for a Dr appt when you have the money, no?

[MarMar]

Using just one method of protection is out of the question. Yes, I'm paranoid.

Things will work out

[astogirl24]

haha maybe you could use three

[emmasi]

I need to vent. I'm on antidepressants... I thought this would be viewed as a good thing. The doctor said that it would help lower my anxiety levels, calm me down, etc... She said they would replace a chemical in my brain that's not being produced... that it isn't my fault, it's a disease, and no amount of insight can make that go away... So she's trying me out on these and we're seeing if it makes my life any better, because right now I can't stand it...

When I say "right now" I mean right at this very minute, and for a very long time before that... It used to be good sometimes and I'd hold onto that to get me through the bad times, but lately even the good things seem bad. I can't look at my cats without preparing myself for their death... I can't talk to any human being without preparing myself for the day they leave me, either by dying, moving away, or just growing to resent me so much that they can no longer stand to be around me...

To me, these are not normal feelings to be having, and certainly don't make me want to leap out of bed in the morning and embrace life.

What was helping me do that were the sleeping pills. I was taking them to fight the insomnia that was plaguing my life... I'd take one at night, as directed, and then I'd get a good night's sleep and be able to function the next day. Now I have another doctor - and my brother who knows everything - telling me that these pills are highly addictive and soon I won't be able to sleep at all without them... um, hello, that's why I'm taking them...

And on insomnia, I hate it when you tell someone one "I didn't sleep last night... I feel like crap." And they say "Well that's good, you'll sleep well tonight." No. No. That's not what insomina is about. Insomnia - MY insomnia - makes it so that I can't sleep for hours. I lie awake in bed, eyes closed an all, just willing myself to sleep, but it doesn't happen... eventually I can get a couple of hours if I'm lucky and then I wake up and either can't get back to sleep or have to go somewhere... and either way, I feel like crap again... No matter how tired I am, I can't sleep properly... which is why I take the pills - prescribed pills - and then everyone tells me that I'm an addict after two weeks of taking them off and on... right....

Now back to the antidepressants. You would think that it's a positive step, going to a doctor and admitting that I need help... Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to admit that I need help with ANYTHING, let alone the entire state of my existence?? Here I was thinking that I was doing the right thing, but no, it's never the right thing... "Oh, you're just going to become an addict - you're not dealing with the problem, drugs only cover it up... If you weren't so lazy and weak you'd actually DEAL with it..."

Well... what if I'm too lazy and weak TO deal with it?? What if that's the whole f*cking point!? What if I don't have the f*cking strength any more to even TRY???? WHAT IF I JUST WANT F*CKING OUT OF THIS HELL HOLE OF AN EXISTENCE AND TAKING THESE DRUGS IS THE ONLY WAT TO KEEP ME CLAWING AT SOME SLIVER OF HOPE!?

I just can't take the constant criticism, the constant feeling that I'm not good enough. Okay, I get it, I'm worthless and pathetic - do you need to tell me this at EVERY turn, even when I'm trying to do something POSITIVE??? All I want is to be the person that everyone else wants me to be. To be myself, I could never have their approval... and without their approval all I'll get is criticism, which I can't take... so I'm doing this for them. I'm doing this to exist in their world. My world doesn't have all their rules and complications. My world... is just somewhere I can't get to, because everyone else is so determined to hold me down... So if I have to be here, if I have to endure... I at least want some f*cking credit for trying to cope with it all... is that too much to ask?

[rennyren]

Honey, you're so brave. Don't listen to what the others are saying - if you've not been down there, you'll never understand what it's like. Insomnia and depression are hell. No one really gets how hard it is to admit you've got a problem and that you need help, and it never gets easier to do that.

Don't worry about getting addicted right now. The important thing at the moment is that you pull yourself up out of this hole, and if you've chosen to do that with the help of medication, then more power to you. Tell everyone to bugger off. You're doing your best. And if they don't leave you alone, just block it out.

Just breathe in and out, and mentally kick their shins.

[emmasi]

Thanks ren. I'm just so over life right now... The people who are supposed to love me are the main reason I keep holding on, but when they're offering nothing but criticism and contempt... I really struggle to see the point...

[flyingwithoutwings]

Theres a reason for everything in life, whether its good or bad and the only way we are going to find out, is if we keep going. As rennyren said, you're so brave. The only reason people criticise other people is because of their own insecurities. Don't listen to what they have to say. Sometimes its hard, but we have to stay positive, no matter what!

Anyway, sorry if that didnt help, but if you need to talk I'm always here

[emmasi]

Thanks...

I'm starting to think it might be a winter thing... I've read that your mood can change with the weather... and I'm thinking that being cold all the time isn't the best way to feel good...

Not that I don't feel like this in the summer, but it's just gotten really bad lately.

Anyway, I just need to ramble again...

My brother called me up the other night to ask me how I was. He was drunk... I said I was doing fine, going out, and that I was on the antidepressants, which is when he started lecturing me about how I'm just developing a drug dependancy... Anyway, I'd been going really well - really happy with myself - until he said that, and a few other generic things that made me feel stupid and worthless... but I ranted about all that in the last post. Why I'm bringing it up again is that I'm going to his house for dinner tonight... I was supposed to get a driving lesson off him too, but when I called him he said he was fixing a fence and didn't have time today. Which is fine, I understand that these things come up, and it wasn't that important to me anyway... but this is after him blaming me for putting it off the last time he offered - which was when I hadn't slept because of the insomnia... and now he' gone and put it off again because of some stupid fence... but I'll still get the blame for it, for not following up these lessons, because it's my responsibility to get my own license...

I am so... over it. That's the best way I can think to describe my feelings - what little feeling I have left: over it. My friend invited me to a bbq last night, and I warned her that I was in a bad mood and I'd probably just spend the whole night sulking... well, I tried to be sociable - had a couple of beers (not supposed to on antidepressants) but I stopped after two because I didn't even care enough to get drunk... My friend asked me as I was leaving early, "Are you glad you came, or do you just hate me for dragging you out?" And I told her that I didn't care one way or the other... if I'd stayed home, I would have felt exactly the same as I did going out... only now I can pretend that I've done something socially acceptable by leaving the house.

People are so arrogant. I mean that as a general statement. Human beings, are so arrogant. They think that you're completely screwed up if you don't want to spend every waking moment with another human being in your face... I tell people that I'm living alone right now, and they look at me like I've got two heads, and then proceed to tell me that it's not good for me to be all alone... Then I tell them, I'm not alone, I have two cats... and they're just about reaching for the phone to call the insane asylum...

I was watching Dr Phil the other day. This lady had 200 cats on a massive property, and they were all happy and healthy and had been desexed, had their shots, properly looked after and she knew every one by name... and everyone was telling her that that wasn't normal because she HAD to be interacting with humans to be normal... which I think is a load of sh*t. She was happy, the cats were happy, but no, she needed to get rid of them all because it wasn't socially acceptable for her to prefer the company of cats to humans... arrogant pr*cks...

Anyway, Dr Phil told her that the council would take her cats away and "destroy" them if she didn't give them all away... "destroy" them... not "they'll take them to a liscenced shelter and put them up for adoption," "If you don't comply to human law, ALL TWO HUNDRED MEMBERS OF YOU'RE FAMILY WILL BE KILLED!!!" ... free country my ass...

...yep, I was doing well until I got a drunken reminder of how I'll never fit in with this world and never be good enough for it... thanks bro. I look forward to the awkward silence over an obligatory dinner to make you feel like you're looking after me, when all you're doing is opening up another opportunity to shame and humilate me... Heh. And I'm the sucker that keeps going back... just asking for it... any attention is good attention right? ... Pathetic...

[rennyren]

OK, so...I'd say that I can't stand this but that would be wrong, because I don't feel anything. Well, sometimes I feel like crying, but I can't, you know, I don't know if I can remember how. I've barely been out of bed for over a week. I do nothing, because I just can't. I've got nothing to get out of bed for. Since I finished my last lot of counselling I've been fine, sometimes even happy, but now it's just like before. Worse, because last time I could cry, and I could talk to people and tell them. Now I just feel apathetic. I don't care about life any more. I've got no motivation to get out of bed. When I see my friends, they don't know, because I hide it from them. I feel like I have to, because they won't understand. Nobody does. And I don't want to go to the doctor, I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. Sometimes I want to die. Just walk in front of a bus - then it won't be my fault. My friends and family will never know that it was what I wanted, and it won't get them down. I barely sleep or eat, I'm not interested in studying for my exams or doing any of my assignments, I don't care if I pass or fail, I don't care about anything. I just don't want to be here, or anywhere, anymore.

[emmasi]

Wow, that is EXACTLY how I feel :|

Trust me though, if you died - whether it's what you wanted or not - it would definitely devestate your family. In fact, it'd probably be worse for them if they thought you still wanted to live, and had that taken away from you...

That's the only thing keeping me going, and I'm lucky that I don't even care enough to hide anymore . I tell my friends and family everything I'm feeling, which I'm sure makes them resent me, but it also helps them understand why I am the way I am - totally screwed up...

I don't know what to tell you... saying "I know what you're going through" will probably just sound patronising - that's always how I take it . But I know what I'M going through, and it's not fun... It's hard, but maybe you should see a doctor... What's happening to you, the way your feeling, might be completely out of your control... and that's the worst feeling of all .