Support Group

[emmasi]

Embarrassment? Guilt? I spent last night throwing up all over my best friend's house because I drank so much that she actually told me to "drink yourself to death on your own time!" ... I know a thing or two about embarrassment and guilt...

[Pierced Musie]

I had a nervous breakdown this week. I won't be around a lot over the next few weeks but don't worry, now it is out in the open I am on the road to recovery.

Mar, I will upload those episodes for you. Transferring them to laptop takes forever, which is why I haven't done any yet

[claire_louise]

^ Jess, I really hope everything gets sorted out. If you want to talk about anything there are many people on here (including myself) who are always happy to listen. I'll be sending out good thoughts for you!

[Guest [x]whacko[x]jen[x]]

I'm here to listen to! It realyl does help, trust me

[flyingwithoutwings]

Yeah, I'm always here aswell!

[Guest [x]whacko[x]jen[x]]

I said it first! So anyone who needs to talk come to me before Lanie.

[MarMar]

Well, I posted and no one replied...

Never mind.

[Guest [x]whacko[x]jen[x]]

Sorry, you can talk in PM if you want to.

I still think I need more people to talk to, I mean there's nothing wrong with talking with Lanie but I think I need more advice from different people. Is there anyone I can PM?

[emmasi]

I don't know much about weddings or organising things so I didn't think I'd be much help... but I've reread it now to see if there's anything I can suggest... and there really isn't. I'm sorry... but all the weddings I've been to have been large events, so I really don't know how to suggest making a small one work. Of course it's not your fault that you only have a few family members. My mum was adopted, so I've only got my dad's side so I can almost relate to where you're coming from... The only thing I can think of is, if you want to invite these uncles and aunts to keep them all happy, maybe you could invite some mutual friends or something to make up the numbers of people you know? That probably doesn't help anything... but if your soon to be father in law is the one who wants all these people there, just make sure that he's the one paying for them.

[Guest [x]whacko[x]jen[x]]

The wedding planning took a turn for the worse yesterday.

When we first started talking about getting married, we decided on keeping it small, intimate, if you will, so that it wouldn't cost too much and the fact that I have huge problems getting "that kind of attention". The news were broken to his parents and my mom, and the guestlist was brought up. His dad asked why none of his (T's) 4 uncles w/partners were invited, and T replied that we wanted to keep it small. This was Thursday last week. He kept on nagging.

Sunday we met them at the kite festival. He asked again, and said that if they paid, we could surely invite them. We've discussed this, and had again decided not to. He kept on nagging.

Yesterday... My mom and I worked out the first draft of the seating arrangements - making sure we were sticking to traditions, my "dad" at my right side (Sisters partner as my dad's dead), his mom to his right, my mom on T's left and his dad on her left, as well as guests, our best man and maid of honor seated opposite us, the toastmaster next to them and then grandparents, trying to juggle how there are more women invited than men, an seating them so that they have someone they know in close proximity but are seated with someone we think they might talk to. I showed them to T when he came to pick me up and he thought they looked excellent.

Sometime in the afternoon we arrived at his parent's, got in, got seated while T started burning something they'd recorded for us. He had mentioned that we've most likely picked out photographer before heading downstairs, so I talked to his dad about that. He said that we should talk to the photographer who did Elisabeth's, T's sister, photographs after her confirmation last year, and I said that apart from good light, they weren't that good (something T's mom had pointed out herself when they got the photos last year), and explained how she hadn't told Elisabeth at all how to stand and what to do with her arms. Now that I come to think of it, they were very traditional and boring as well, not at all what you'd expect to see now. I feel this was where things started going wrong.

As I have said, me and my mom did the seating arrangements. I have 4 people from my family total coming to the wedding. One of them is a 7 year old girl.

We brought the seating arrangements up, after T came back and his mom joined us. She thought they looked excellent, but maybe her dad should be closer to her mom (which is no problem to do and especially not after she said why). T's dad on the other hand, said that his grand-aunt should not be next to the toastmaster (she has no family and no friends so we invited her after he said we should, and placed her next to the toastmaster so that she would be close enough to listen and feel included). Then, again - "So you're not inviting uncles?". "No, dad, we've decided not to to keep it small". "Yeah, you've said that, but I think you should invite them". We knew this was coming and I had said, after talking to my mom about this (who feels the same way as us and feel a bit like a minority already) that T was allowed to say why, not only because we want to keep it small but also because I don't have any family. He carried out this argument, that if we invite all of his uncles and ants (total of 8), it would be like a family come-together, not a wedding. My mom had also said that she would not at all be comfortable with this and wouldn't come, because... Well, we're a small family and none of them knows T's family. I cannot explain or describe what happened afterwards, because he just went straight off the rails. Neither I nor T has ever seen him act in such a manner. He was totally oblivious to the fact that being 3 up against 16 is simply not comfortable when you don't know them, and how I, and my family, somehow feels inferior to them if we do it like he wants us to. T's mom was totally supportive, arguing how they had felt once, being invited to coffee in a wedding, but not the dinner.

Granted, I was very upset. I almost broke down right there an then at the table. I just wanted to leave. We did after I had gone downstairs with T's mom to show her the dresses.

I broke down on the way home, having to pull myself together since we needed to get the stuff we need for the invitations.

T talked to my mom about what had happened. She had gotten a phone, inviting her to their place on Saturday evening, and his dad had said that there was an "unresolved issue". Neither of us know what this is and can only imagine that it's the guest list. After hearing all of this my mom doesn't really want to go. T phoned his mom late last night and explained to her our side of things, how this has upset me, etc. She was very understandable and said she's talk to him and also say that T wants to talk to him about this.

I also feel like he's going back on his promise. When he first found out we're getting married, he offered that they'd pay for the wedding, no restrictions - it's our weddings, we should decide what we want. Then, yesterday, when I was downstairs with his mom, they talked a bit about it and after asking T was told they'd pay for the dinner. No mention of any of the other costs. I know I shouldn't be disappointed or anything, we had planned to pay for this ourselves, it's just that I feel he's going back on his word, and all of this because we want to keep it small and take my 4 people into consideration. T also suggested we'd do a family get-together the same weekend, where all of the family could be invited - all 8 aunts and uncles w/children. I don't know what else we can do.

After all I've been through with my dad during my childhood I have huge problems connecting with and trusting me. After 4 years of being with T I was starting to feel comfortable around his dad. Starting to, it was still hard and I was beginning to think that I might be accepted. After last night I'm worn out. Angry. Disappointed. I feel betrayed. Like I'm not good enough. That it's my fault that all of my family is either dead or estranged (I have one living uncle w/partner who I haven't seen since my aunts funeral - they have two sons who are at least 10-15 years older than me. I also have my aunts living sons, who are 15-20 years older than me). It's not like I don't wish I had had a happy childhood and could bring my dad to the wedding. It's not my fault that my mom was an only child, that her parents are dead and that we don't have any family left. So why make me feel like it is?

I'm sorry no one replied earlier. I guess you should just ignore it and be happy for the wedding! I don't know what else to say really because I've never been in that situation sorry.