Support Group

[ilovekateritchie]

She's sort of the only girl working there... And the guys will all back up the boss, they're mostly a bunch of spineless, gutless creeps!

[rennyren]

That sucks Well, at least she's away from it now.

[emmasi]

I worked out what my insomnia is about. It's a defence mechanism. If I stay up all night then I have an excuse the next morning not to enter situations that make me uncomfortable because I'm "too tired" to go there. Once I realised that last night, I was able to sleep easier.

However. The situation I was avoiding for today, I still avoided, even though I'd had a good night's sleep. I was supposed to go to a councellng session, but after calling all three of my best friends, and all of them declining to go with me... I didn't want to go by myself. I didn't even want to go to my friend's house instead... I just wanted to stay home and watch Dr Phil and Oprah... twice... (different episodes, but still...)

I had a slight anxiety attack the other day at the pound. My friend said that we'd be the only ones there, but then a whole group of guys from the council turned up to paint the office... and I freaked out, particularly when my friend had to go out back with the dogs, leaving me alone with the guys and the paint and the phone that rang twice but I refused to answer it... I was too scared to answer it. I was too scared to move. I just planted myself into a corner, put my head down and started drawing as a way to look busy... even though the guys knew I wasn't working because if I was working I'd be answering the phone...

It's not that I was scared of being alone with the guys because I thought they'd do anything to me, it's that I was scared of being alone with strangers and having them judging what I was doing. They were working, and I wasn't. Even though they did nothing to give me the impression, I felt like they resented me for that, and thought I was stupid and lazy for not answering the phone... It didn't help when my friend asked if anyone called, and I LAUGHED when I told her that I ignored the phone... Now, my friend knows me... she was disappointed, but she understands that I get scared and nervous - and that's all the laugh was, I was nervous... but those guys...... I could feel them calling me a stupid b*tch who shouldn't have been there... Same goes for the people that came in while I was drawing again, and I didn't know what to do with them. My friend was on the phone, and all I could do was say "She'll be with you in a minute - I don't really work here!!!!" (I'm a volunteer - I just go in to help my friend when she's on her own)... So yeah, not the best impression...

Anyway, I think the paint fumes were making my asthma play up, and that just made me more anxious - I couldn't breathe properly and I didn't know if it was my useless body or my useless mind that was failing me... either way, I had to go out and spend about half an hour sitting in the dog cages to get away from the humans... It's weird how safe I feel in a dog cage, lol...

I suppose I could have told all that to the counsellor, but I just feel sooo judged by her as well that I couldn't deal with it. Which is why I couldn't sleep last night, until I figured out that that was the problem...

Last night I chewed my fingernails down to half way... today, after getting a message on my phone from the counsellor (whom I am avoiding), I chewed them down completely... In two days I've gone from about six millimeters to one on each finger...

I really don't think these antidepressants are working. I've been on them for about a month now and, apart from the first week, I don't think they're having any positive affect. If anything, I think they're making things worse. I'm finding myself more frustrated with people and way more irritable. I find it difficult to pretend that I'm interested in things when I'm not, to the point of being rude and abrasive to people who try to engage me in conversation... and now I've started messing with my diet, jumping from eating nothing (lack of appetite) to wanting to eat everything in sight, even when I'm not hungry!! It's ridiculous... Add to that the fact that I only have four pills left, and haven't got up the courage to get a repeat prescription... I'm wondering if I should just ween myself off them now and be done with it.

I don't know what to do... Well, I know what I *should* do... ie, see a doctor... but I don't know how to get the courage to do that right now... especially when I feel like everyone is judging everything I do...

[MarMar]

I'm sorry I cannot be of any help, Emmasi- other than to tell you what you already know. If your anti-depressants aren't working, you need to tell your psychiatrist. Are you on any kind of anxiety-meds?

[emmasi]

I'm on Zoloft... it's supposed to lower anxiety as well. And it did for the first week, but as my friend says, I think that was just a placebo effect...

I would tell my counsellor, but I've skipped our last three sessions (including today's) because I've been too anxious to go in! It's a catch 22... I don't even want to return her call because she'll just make me feel like I've wasted her time, which I have... and I don't know if I want to be responsible for wasting any more...

[MarMar]

Do you think it's possible for someone else to call her and let her know why you don't return her calls as well as the problems with the meds?

[emmasi]

I probably will call her eventually... just gotta work up to it

[MarMar]

Good luck, then Do it at your own pace. I don't know exactly how you feel at the moment, but I think I can imagine, cuz I've been, and often are, where you are as well. Take care of yourself.

[emmasi]

Thanks. I'll try

[Frankie]

Here is a suggestion... something to consider... only you know if its going to be right for you... but... Maybe you need to try a different counsellor... if it's making you feel this negative... whilst there is a saying that there is no growth without pain... not all forms of counselling suit all people... maybe the approach she is taking.... is not the right one for you... or maybe you are just in the avoidance stage of a recovery pattern and are about to make a break through... either way you need to deal with it. How about you see her... but write down everything about how you have felt and make sure she reads it... send it to her befre the session so she has no excuse... write it as you have above.. and also raise the questions... is the approach we are taking working? If not why not? If it is why do I still feel ****ty? When is the break through going to come? Am I scared of it? Why the **** am I scared of it?... that sort of stuff. That way you can feel more in control of whats happening and that might help.