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[emmasi]

When I was seventeen

I drank some very good beer

I drank some very good beer I purchased

With a fake ID

My name was Brian MacGee

I stayed up listening to Queen

When I was seventeen...

*Looks for a beer... stolen and undeserved though it would be... alcohol eases the pain...*

Running would be even better, but as my mother so cheefully informed me, I need money to run away. I don't have money - maybe enough for a train ticket to nowhere, but then what? No, it's better spent on booze... or it would be, if I had the capacity to sustain myself from anything other than freebies and handouts... Maybe I don't need money. Maybe I could just live on the streets. I've been told it's not as glamourous as it sounds, but Spring is coming. I probably won't freeze to death. Starve to death, die of humilation, or simply be killed (if I'm lucky) - maybe... We'll call it plan B. Now if only I could come up with a decent plan A, I'd be all set.

[emmasi]

*Bangs head on desk.*

Why is it that people insist on bitching behind your back? Why can't they ever tell you stuff to your face?

I can't do anything right. Even when I think I'm doing the right thing, my dad finds a way to complain about it. Not to my face, but behind my back, even though he hasn't quite got the knack of whispering and I can hear him perfectly well in the next room. Maybe that's the intention - he wants me to criticise me, but doesn't have the guts to confront me. But I doubt he's that clever

He works himself into a bad mood yelling at the cats, then he decides that he has to call my brother while he's in the middle of making dinner - and that's MY fault, because I suggested that he *might* want to do that to ask my brother about a message that I didn't quite understand... Excuse me for having the comprehension skills of a gnat. It's a problem I have, and I'm a little sensitive about it thank you very much. Anyway, so that's my fault, that my brother gave me a vague message that could have been a joke - I didn't know. And then it turns out that the message was that my brother wanted my dad to help him move house - the same weekend that my parents had already arranged to drive me to Bourke to see a friend.

Right. Now let me make this clear. I never ASKED to be driven to Bourke - I simply said that I wanted to go there, but was having trouble working out train fares, and I was a bit worried I wouldn't be able to afford it on my allowance. (Yes, I'm an adult on an allowance - deal with it.) Now that I think about it, Dad's probably jealous that I have any money at all, because my mum sets some aside for me to go out with my friends every week... which I appreciate, but my dad doesn't. Obviously... Not that I do go out everyweek. And it's only $50... which isn't that much, when you consider that ONE night out can easily cost that much... but since I don't go out that often, it's enough for me... anyway. Not the point. Point is, I didn't ask them to take me. They OFFERED because THEY'VE been wanting to take the caravan out again ever since they got back to their holiday... and this seemed like a solution that would make everyone happy. But everyone's NEVER happy around here. Never.

Back to that phone call, and my brother wanting dad to help him move. Same weekend as this Bourke thing. Dad says to him, "Jemima wants me to drive her up to Dubbo" - so you see, it's my fault that he can't be helpful, because I've selfishly forced him to take me somewhere that he himself has absolutely no interest in going to - somewhere ridiculously far to drive for a favour, but he's doing it anyway because he's just that great.

... And then we come to his greatness in the home, which overshadows mine so much - mine doesn't exist at all. He "whispers" to my mother, that he washes up the dishes one minute, and the next I come and clear out everything from my room, and it all piles up again! ...Right. Well. Excuse me for not being awake for the 8am washing up ritual, and having to use plates and cups during the day... You'd think i'd get some credit for not leaving them all over the house, but no...

anyway, dinner's ready. Better go eat that before I get yelled at for being ungreatful some more. Though not to my face, obviously.

[Ashirr-Leigh]

Ahh, parents!

I can't give you much help to be honest.. which sucks.. but all I can say is try and rise above it. It's hard, obviously, but if you just try not let it bother you, or at least not let your dad see it bother you, it'll become easier to deal with.

When things get a bit much for me at home I always just try and focus on something else.. ie.getting my own place and moving out!

[emmasi]

lol, yeah. That'd be good if I wasn't scared of going outside by myself

*cough*excusesexcuses*cough*

Anyway... I called my dad on it, and said that he shouldnt take his bad moods out on me and mum, and then he sulked about it but... eh, at least it's been said now.

[MarMar]

I guess reality thought it was about time to slap some sense into me, letting me know that I'll always feel worse if I just wait.

Silly as I am I voiced my thoughts to T yesterday. Said that I've felt so good this summer that I cannot really remember why I've been so down and how it even feels anymore. That when I think back on it now, I feel like such a crybaby and feel ashamed over the things I've written here in desperation and while being so down I feel like the best thing I can do for everyone is simply (or not so simple, maybe) to die.

And then. Now. This morning. All those feelings are back. It's like I've jinxed myself.

I know that I'm not worth anything. My photos are crap. I got that confirmed in a comment in a photo community. I won't do good at school because I'm the dumbest person alive. Right now, dying would solve so many people's problems with me.

[emmasi]

If you're anything like me, you were happier than you thought you deserved to be, so you've brought up all these thing again to remind yourself just how awful you are, and why you shouldn't let yourself stop suffering for even a second, because no-one gets to stop suffering from you. You feel like nothing but an incredible burdon to everyone around you, and you think, if they all hate you and you hate yourself, then what's the point of living anymore?

Well... the point, so I'm told, is that... *sigh*... it's all in your head. The people in your life don't really see you that way, it's just how you see yourself, so you assume that everyone else feels the same way. Which they can't really, or else they would have all left you a long time ago... (just like you want to leave yourself, ie die.) I know that doesn't help to make it any better - in fact, it just adds to your flaws - but you're your own worst critic, and when someone like that jerk person who commented on your photography backs up that voice in your head that tells you how much you suck and how worthless you are, you start believing more than ever that it's true.

If I could work out how to stop that from happening, I'd be a very happy person... So I guess all I can say that might help is that you're not alone, and that people don't want you to die. And if they really do want it, and you oblige them, then they'll probably feel guilty, and you'd end up being even more of a burden to them dead than you ever were alive! So try a little emotional blackmail for yourself as a stall, so you don't reach for the cyanide pills straight away. That's what I do

If that doesn't work, just think about how crummy they must be to want you dead, and stay alive just to spite them

[MarMar]

Thanks... I just needed to vent a bit.

I think you're spot on with bringing it up again myself.

Not sure what to say but thanks.

[claire_louise]

I guess reality thought it was about time to slap some sense into me, letting me know that I'll always feel worse if I just wait.

Silly as I am I voiced my thoughts to T yesterday. Said that I've felt so good this summer that I cannot really remember why I've been so down and how it even feels anymore. That when I think back on it now, I feel like such a crybaby and feel ashamed over the things I've written here in desperation and while being so down I feel like the best thing I can do for everyone is simply (or not so simple, maybe) to die.

And then. Now. This morning. All those feelings are back. It's like I've jinxed myself.

I know that I'm not worth anything. My photos are crap. I got that confirmed in a comment in a photo community. I won't do good at school because I'm the dumbest person alive. Right now, dying would solve so many people's problems with me.

I know it might seem like people's problems would be solved, but do you really think they'd see it like that? Imagine how T would feel if you weren't here - he wants to spend the rest of his life with you! Surely that means you're worth something? And I've seen your photographs - they're fantastic, and I know the majority of people agree with me, so don't let one person's ignorant comment put you down. Unfortunately not everyone can appreciate talent.

[Bellsy]

I'm sitting here, staring at a screen when I should be getting this bloody assignment done. I can't even begin it - it's not I don't understand... I just...can't. My eyes grow tired, my hand sore and my mind cloudy. I can't focus. Everyone thinks I'm okay... I'm smart and I 'ooze confidence' ...but they don't see me, staring blankly, just unable to focus. I'm constantly tired...I did have a sleep disorder, but I no longer do... I think it's stress....and the constant lying...I'm NOT fine. I'm drowning, and it's been this way all year. I'm better than this, but there's no room for error this semester. Everyone expects me to do well... I've always been a good student but I can't tap into that. I don't get... I'm usually so motivated and determined. Maybe I wanna leave ... I just don't feel like uni's right at this point...I think ... I don't know...

Reaaaallly confused....stressed...

[Amii]

When I itch one hand, I have to each the other!!

Or if I have a pain in one side of my head, I have to hit the other side to even it out!!

Its so annoying but I have to do it!

Yeah, that happens to me as well. I don't why lol.

Oh my god Im exactly the same, I thought it was just me!!