Support Group

[emmasi]

I'm binging on a 190g packet of twisties, and sucking down my first of many vanilla milos for the night. F*** anyone who wants to make me feel bad for what I do to my own body. Maybe it's selfish to force the beautiful people to look at my imperfections, and maybe the world would be a better, more efficient place without me, but as I said to Mar, sometimes ya just gotta keep going out of spite. I don't care if people hate me, because I hate them just as much, and if they're going to act like I'm a thorn in their side, then I'm going to be a f***ing rail-road spike. I'm over it. I'm over trying to be what people want me to be. "Be yourself..." right, and when you hate me more, I'll tell you to your face that this is me - the REAL me - and never forget that it's what YOU wanted.

F*** the world and everything in it

[emmasi]

^Well. That was a cheery post.

I'm afraid I'm not quite out of my mood, but I'm feeling rather more submissive about it today. How do you tell someone that you're crazy without sounding crazy? lol.

I ask because my parents will be up in a few hours. I could stay up... or I could sleep. It won't make a difference. If I stay up, I'll get scowled at for being a fool. If I go to bed, I'll be grumbled at for sleeping all day... and if I was a normal person who didn't freeze up and feel sick whenever someone asked me a question, maybe I'd be willing to sleep at the same time every else does. But I'm not. I'm a freak and I know it, but I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it.

Yeah, I use this thread as my own personal dumping ground, I know, but I can't talk like this to people face to face. They always interupt with words or looks, and I feel worse off then if I'd said nothing at all. At least here I can... I don't know... get it out... sort of.

I just wish I was able to function. My whole body feels like it's shutting down around me... I don't know if it's physical or mental or what the hell's going on, but I'm always in some kind of pain. I really think it's psychological, like my mind is giving me these little niggling aches to push me over the edge... to try and tell me that I can't do it anymore, to make me believe it enough...

I can't live like this. I feel constantly trapped. Constantly. I hate that feeling more than anything in the world.

It's too hard. And when I look at my life, I know it's not hard at all - which somehow makes it harder... knowing that I SHOULD be leading a perfect happy life, but something in me says no. Something in me refuses to let me move on. It just wants to hold me down until it kills me... and I'm letting it. I'm too tired to fight anymore. I don't care enough to live, but I care too much to die. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

Anyway. Another dramatic post out of the way. If I could just... forget it.

[~Lynd~]

It's 6pm and i'm completely smashed...I try to forget my crappy life just for once but it's obviously not working.

[alexx]

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[Oxidizer]

Not in need of support but I do wonder at what stage doctors are allowed to admit people to clinics, and whether or not the peopled admitted (or whatever the word is) are allowed to leave or not, because I've been told they're not. Is that true?

I'm asking because I went to the doctors yesterday and they told me to come back in two weeks and put on weight and more or less hinted about maybe going to a health clinic if I haven't. I don't want to put on weight. They can't make people, can they? It's been playing on my mind all day, so much so, that I went to London just to distract myself earlier this morning.

[emmasi]

I don't know about that, but my general sense of morality says that you should be allowed to refuse treatment if you really don't want it. It's been wrong before. Although if the doctor is that concerned, maybe you should think about doing something to change your diet... An actual clinic does sound a bit on the scary side, but maybe if you compromise and start eating a bit more he'll lay off the idea?

[Oxidizer]

That's what I thought. It just seems really wrong to put people in those places against their will.

I would eat more but I like the size I am and I kind of have a phobia about putting on weight. It's a bit of a vain thing I guess. I check my stomach a few times a day, mostly before and after I've eaten, and I get really competitive with myself and want to get slimmer each time. At the moment you can see my pelvis and ribcage and I know I'm not big or whatever but I just think I can be even slimmer and when I don't I start to feel overweight.

Reading this back I'm thinking 'Okay, WTF?' but I don't consider myself to have an eating disorder. I'm not being sexist but maybe it's because I'm a guy? I'm not even sure if this is making sense, I sound like a right nutjob.

[emmasi]

I heard somewhere that anorexia is just as big a problem with boys as girls... I'm not saying you have that but... you might want to make sure that you don't develop it . It's a lot sexier to be a little more overweight than you'd like than to be a skeletal corpse rotting in the ground...

[Oxidizer]

Well, I don't consider myself to have it, but I do try to limit myself to taking only 100-200 calories a day.

Thanks for your help though. I feel kinda bad for taking over the thread with this.

[alexx]

Just out of interest - how come you want to be so skinny?