Support Group

[Skykat]

I think I understand what you're saying.

Basically you've pointed out your reasons and possibly reasons why Andy might feel so trapped by his being skinny and you by your eating. I think what you're trying to say is that there is no point trying to change unless you really want to and at the moment you don't want to and you get the impression that he doesn't want to either.

I also get that you don't think anyone has the right to stand in judgement of you, to fit you into a box or to tell you to get help.

As someone who has been severely anorexic and more recently battled with overeating I get what you're saying and I get why you're saying it.

There's truth in what you're saying, unless you want to change its very hard to change and yeah there's a huge aspect of eating disorders that all relates along the fact that people only notice you if you're an extreme. A lot is related to self image but more to wanting attention from others, needing to be in the spotlight. I'd say with me half was because I hated the way I looked and the other half was a cry for help because I wanted to be noticed, to stand out and when I was skinny people noticed I was skinny.

That said there is a hell of a lot to be said for overcoming something that completely dominates your life the way your eating habits do. Obviously you never quite get past it, I still look in a mirror and HATE what I see but I do feel a real sense of achievement for knowing I beat something that had a huge power over me. Your eating habits are something you can control, and so many people fall into the habit of bad eating patterns because they get a sense of control BUT when it gets to a certain point the habit takes over and you're no longer in control.

The thing is to realise that and take control back. That's impossible without two things, an element of inclination and some serious help. You HAVE to address the psycological issues behind your need for control and you can't do that on your own. You also need to have an inclination in your head that knows you're no longer in control and wants to change things. Its easy to think of excuses, its easy to blame christmas, new year, a birthday, easter, a night out with work, you can turn anything into an excuse for not getting help. The real challenge is to have thne inclination and the strength of mind to OVERCOME that and actually admit you have a problem and seek some help.

Yeah it's easy for me to say it, easy for concerned people to get on their podiums and put you in a box but the fact is you're posting in a thread specifically for support and help. That either says you want to change or you crave attention. If it's attention you're after, you need to train your mindset to the fact that you can still get attention and a sense of control from overcoming something that terrifies you and from beating something. This thread and others will always still be there for you to get sympathy and support, nobody is going to think you shouldn't post in here because your problems aren't so bad anymore.

But if you don't want to get help Andy, or you Jem for that matter, she's right, nothing I say will compel you to do that, you have to want to change.

How to do that isn't something I could help with either, for me it was finding somebody I wanted to change for, my best friend who genuinely made me feel like I was so much more attractive with more weight on and a new focus. My taking up skydiving was partly because the rush of overcoming something that terrified me and saving my own life, made me feel a million dollars and like I was worth something and that I was in control. I'm not suggesting you take up skydiving but you do need to find something or someone that drives you to want to make the changes in your own life. When you find that, you need to be brave enough to seek help with it.

My disclaimer: I'm talking from my own personal experience, what worked for me might not work for others and I'm not attempting to patronise or offend or even understand because everyone is individual and it'd be impossible for me to judge. I'm merely sharing what worked for me in the hope that it might help some of you to look back, like I do now of pictures of me then and feel physically disgusted that I ever let myself get that low.

And THAT gives me control.

[emmasi]

Thanks for understanding Kat

This is gonna sound pretty lame, but I HAVE overcome a form of self-abuse once before, and it does give me a lot of pride to know that I have. I used to bite my fingernails. Lame affliction, but hear me out . I used to bite them down so far that they bled, and when there was no nail left to get at, I'd bite at the skin around them... Then one day I realised why I did it. Sure there was boredom and anxiety to trigger it - and I still do have a little nibble from time to time - but the main problem was that I was once yelled at by my best friend for scratching someone. I only scratched the person because they were being mean to my friend... It devestated me that she could turn on me like that when I was only trying to protect her. I've since realised that she was a very contolling person, and not really a friend at all. That helped me understand that what she thought of me didn't matter, because she wasn't worth worrying about. If I wanted to grow my nails long enough to protect myself and my REAL friends, then I would. And now I have. They were actually a lot longer than they are now at one stage, but that had a negative effect too... I painted them red for my formal, and my dad's exact words were "you look like a street walker." Meaning a prostitute... That was a really awful thing to hear, especially when it was supposed to be a special night, even though I don't think he meant to hurt me. Then I went to university, which I never wanted to do in the first place, and dad accidentally broke one of my fingernails by throwing a pillow at me. I felt like everything I'd done to overcome the addiction of biting my nails was for nothing because first of all, people thought I looked just as much of a freak as I did when they were bitten down, and after months of not biting them, it was just so easily undone by a stupid random pillow... plus breaking one HURT. So I cried my eyes out, and eventually cut them down to a more managable, more normal size anyway... I don't think I look like a street walker anymore, but my fingers aren't bloody stumps either. So I guess that's a good thing.

Changing myself in any way just comes with so much trauma for me because it hasn't really fixed anything for me before, but the fact that I CAN do it if I want to is still something to be proud of. I just need to find the inclination, as you said, to want to do it.

[MarMar]

Hey, guys...

I've been going through some stuff lately... Coming to terms with myself and trying to make people realize that I'm not defective. Is there a proper way to do that?

[Marieh]

Hey, guys...

I've been going through some stuff lately... Coming to terms with myself and trying to make people realize that I'm not defective. Is there a proper way to do that?

iT'S GOOOD THAT YOU HAVE TOO FACE YOUSEFL.. BUT JUST.. SOMETHIMES THAT'SALL YOU NEED TOO DO..

Sotty about writing in capitlats... didnt know I did it Hopeeverything is better now Mar.. Not maybe all, but just something :)

[MarMar]

Well... You're on my f-list on LJ I hope I seem better

[Frankie]

The last few posts have really been helpful to put things in a different perspective for me.. I can see more clearly now where Jem and Andy are coming from... I'll try and out where I think the bossy boots like me are coming from ... I think a lot f us have been through a lot of different things and have seen friends and family go through different things so are very fearful when people describe vividly things which they know from first hand are going to be painful... its human nature to want to want to protect others from pain... sometimes its knee jerk reaction...Foxy knows first hand what Oxidiser is going through.......I know what depression is like... and also watched a close friend go through an eating disorder and the hospitalisation and treatment etc... but on the other hand those were our experiences... and we cant really project them onto others... we all experience things differently... its also hard too... when reading the thread to judge whether people are just sharing thoughts or genuinely seeking advice..... certainly until I considered the last few posts in this thread I admit I was getting frustrated because I wondered why people were seeking advice but were then seemingly cavalier about it or ignoring it... when it was given by so many different people in a heartfelt and caring manner..... which was very short sighted of me... I do still worry about oxidiser/Andy...... I know he cant exist can't exist on the less than 200 calories a day that he tells me he is eating....... I hope he will seek some help... but at the end of the day that has to be his choice... like Jem says....sometimes you need to find the inclination... I know from experience it can be hard... I think those of us giving advice perhaps need to remember that and perhaps be a little more patient than we have been .

[emmasi]

I'm sure Andy's telling the truth when he says he appreciates the advice and concern because I do when I get it. I think sometimes I just need to come in here to vent, and to be reminded that people do care what happens to me rather than be told what I HAVE to do to fix it. I never like being told what to do, even if it's for my own good. Not that that's happened lately for me, if at all. I'm just using Andy as a reason to take out my soapbox

That long and rambling post of mine was way, WAY too harsh. I was having a very low moodswing when I wrote it... so I really don't want anyone to go away thinking that that's how I view the posts in here, because I know that's not the case. It's just how I feel sometimes when I'm already down on everything, I can't even view an attempt at help as a positive thing

[Oxidizer]

I definitely do appreciate all the advice and support I've been offered - 110% - and I'm very grateful and fortunate to have people who seem to genuinely care to vent/open up to.

Just like I do want to change. It's just way too complicated and is easier said than done, especially when contemplating visiting a GP.

If I've come off as ungrateful, that's definitely not the case. It's just hard to put certain things into words and so I end up not bothering because I'll say everything wrong.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks, and that I do appreciate you guys. You're kinda lovely.

[MarMar]

I'll be brutally honest: I seriously don't think I'll be making an appointment anytime soon. I just can't do it - physically as well as emotionally/psychologically. I've been kidding myself for a couple of months now by saying that I will.

I know how this can be... How many times didn't I think that I should actually get some help? I was planning how to kill myself and was mentally preparing what to write in the note. I didn't get any help. I still haven't, and although right now I'm doing good, it won't last for ever. Depression is more often than not, it seems, co-morbid with AS. I've been depressed since I was 7, or even younger. I am now 22.

Although you say that you are not emotionally and psychologically ready for this, I hope you will be soon. Please try to take care of yourself. I suck at comforting, but I can be a pretty good listener. Let me know if you ever need to vent to someone.

[Oxidizer]

Thank you, Mar. You're a sweetie, and I hope that one day soon you'll be able to overcome your problems as well (easier said than done, I know).

That offer to be able to vent will probably be taken up at some point, haha, and the same goes for you. I'm here (though I should warn you I'm useless when it comes to advise and saying the right thing, I go completely blank and become a bit of a loss for words, but I try ).

Thanks again. <3