Support Group

[Guevara01]

Found out today that early this morning my niece died. She was on her way home from work and a car hit her.

I am not really an emotionally ... umm ... really can't think of the word, but like a person who deals well with emotions. I just don't seem to react to things like this outwardly, unlike the rest of my family who seem to enjoy (not enjoy, that's harsh, but gain I can't think of the word) discussing it all the time. It really makes me uneasy when they do this.

I mean of course I'm very upset that this has happened, more so for my sister than anyone else, I can't imagine the pain she must be feeling right now. I just don't really understand grief though, it tends to come out as aggression. I don't want to be like this around my family, but equally, I don't want them judging me because I'm not "sharing" my favourite memories.

A good friend of mine died earlier this year of anorexia. My mum and I were quite involved. No-one would believe me when I told them she must have anorexia, I don't know if they thought I was lying or if it was just too hard to admit too. I was the same with the grief then. I just can't deal with it so I shut down.

I haven't visited my sister yet, and although it only happened today, I'm afraid she'll think that I don't care, even if I do go round to see her.

Sorry for dumping this on everyone here, but I just can't talk to my family, or my boyfriend or anyone else about it. If I talk to m boyfriend, I'll cry and never stop. Fortunately he's the only person in the world I feel emotionally stable around, but unfortunately he's on the other side of the country right now. I don't really know what to do.

[MarMar]

Oh! I'm so sorry. I suck at making everything better, but I'm here if you need to talk. Really. Thinking of you and your family.

[Cal]

That's awful Clare! I'm sorry to hear that!

Don't feel guilty about not showing your emotions. I deal with it the same way you do. I don't cry much, I keep to myself because I'm afraid of sharing my emotions with family or other people. So it's not something to be ashamed of.

[Guevara01]

Thanks guys. I feel a bit better now. My boyfriend called and I cried for a bit, but I feel better knowing that I didn't have to cry to still feel bad.

Thank you x

[emmasi]

I just had a fight with my mum. Well... I think it was a fight... We're not really the fighting kind. We're more the bitter negative remarks that are left to fester as a quiet mental illness kind... but anyway... I just told her that I want to move out. She said "you have no money." I said, "I want to quit uni and move out so that I can get money from the government." With the intention of getting a job, of course. Then she says "There's no guarantee that you'll get a job." I said "That's what the government is for. There's no guarantee I'd get a job out of uni either, and there's not even a career that I want, so uni is just going around in circles." Then she tells me that my friends will probably take advantage of me, get me to pay all the bills, and eat all my food... I say "I don't want to think about negative things right now. I just can't deal with it anymore." Then I tell her that every time I try to do something positive, she or dad turns it into something negative, and I can't take it anymore. I feel unwelcome and unwanted in my own home - not that it's ever felt like a home to me - and I want out. Yes, I've been drinking and I could have handled it better, but I'm only drinking because dad upset me by yelling at me for painting in the loungeroom. They want me to be a f***ing "artist" at uni, but I'm not allowed to paint ANYWHERE inside the house! And it's not like we have a yard or a garage - well, we do have a car port and a shed, but it's full of dad's CRAP, and every other room in the house is filled with mum's! I HATE IT HERE!!!!!! I know I'm being a prissy little drama queen, "oooh little rich girl doesn't like her 7 bedroom mansion...." Well that's because we have no bedrooms anymore, they're all JUNK rooms, and at least I'm TRYING to keep my sh*t contained, but do I get any credit for that? No! Why the F*CK would I ever get credit for trying to do anything!? All I am is an ungrateful leach and sponge, and don't anyone ever pass up an opportunity to tell me that so you can make your own pathetic f*cked up life seem better by comparison. I am a GOOD daughter god damn it! Have I ever been arrested? Have I ever gone drink-driving unlicensed for a kick? Am I a drug dealer? Do I laugh at fat people and disabled people and tell "gooks" to get back to their own country? No, I f*cking don't, because I am a good person and know the difference between right and wrong, and I have always tried to do my best FOR MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS! If it wasn't for them, I'd have killed myself 10 times over, but I stay on this f*cking dirt ball of repetitive bad karma just to keep them f*cking HAPPY!!!!! But they're NEVER happy! And they'll never let ME be happy, no matter what I do! The only option is to leave, but I can't even do that, because now you need a f*cking permit to go get lost in the bush! WHAT THE F*CK IS THAT!? If I want to f*cking camp on a bit of dirt in MY OWN F*CKING COUNTRY, I BLOODY WELL WILL! AND F*CK ANYONE WHO SAYS IT'S "IRRESPONSIBLE!" Because that's what I copped the other day. I wanted to go camping, and was told "It's illegal. There'll be people who WILL kill you there. YOU'RE IRRESPONSIBLE!!!!" ... Irresponsible.. F*ck irresponsible... I am the girl who did not drink until it was legal. I am the girl who never touched a drug, until I was an adult and chose to do it RESPONSIBLY to see what all the fuss was about. Did I let myself be pressured into it? No. Would I have stayed friends with people who would even try to peer pressure me like that? Hell no. I don't have much self respect left, but I've got enough to know that I don't need the approval of people like that! I'm not an addict, I'm not pregnant, I haven't even had a boyfriend - and trust me, there have been some nice opportunities, but it's just not what I wanted. And yet, despite all this, I'm still "irresponsible." God, I WISH I was irresponsible. I wish I really didn't give a f*ck what happened, and who I hurt. I wish anyone in my life cared as much about protecting me as I do about protecting them. But they don't. They don't care... but it's the stupid, fairytale dream that they MIGHT give a crap if I died that keeps me holding on, for them... Besides, I know that killing myself won't achieve anything. I'll just be reincarnated and have to do the whole god damn thing all over again.

Yep. Needed to get all that out. Didn't make me feel much better, but then I don't really feel much besides apathy and disillusionment these days.

[Frankie]

I have seen a few families like yours where the parents try to keep the youngest child at home so that they themselves feel needs and have a purpose... and they do it int the way you have described. They love their children etc.... but they are terrified of being alone and of feeling un-needed... they are often not even conscious of it.. and they are horrified if they ever realise they are doing it.... I don't know if thats what your family are doing... but its possible...

At the end of the day you have to live your life for you... not for them... you tell them you love them but that you have to do this... you make your plans and you show them that you are serious and responsible.... when you move out... you tell them you will need them to ring you and you will ring them so you can touch base and they know you are OK... they will be invited around to tea... your Dad will be need to check out the paint job in the bathroom and to tell you what to about the leaky taps.... you tell your Mum you will be ringing her when you are not sure what to do about the roast you are cooking when you have 6 mates round for dinner etc.... but you tell them you have to go... you will make mistakes.. you will learn from them.... they cant wrap you up for ever... and its time for you to go and be the grown up that you know they want you to be (bit of reverse psychology there ) .... the longer you try to live your life to please others the unhappier you will be.... and the harder it will be to actually go out there and be you..... so my advice... for what its worth is ... if its what you really want... then go for it.

[Kateritchiefan]

That what my mum and dad are like

They are so mean to me and ONLY me

Iwould say much more but cant be bothered to

[emmasi]

I don't "really" want anything. That's my biggest problem. There's nothing that I want, except to be left alone. But no one is capable of giving me that. They all want me to want something - a job, a car, a boyfriend, a baby, a degree, anything... but I don't. I don't want any of those things, and so I don't want to do anything that will achieve these things. So I do nothing, but try to keep out of everyone's way. Unfortunately they always find something to keep me being an inconvenience, like a $20 phone bill or the fact that I leave my bag and shoes in the kitchen near the door...

All I can remember really wanting in my life was a dog, and I don't even want that anymore. I've waited so long that that dream has become useless to me. I've seen that people don't like or respect animals, they find them dirty and stupid and annoying... and since people already think that of me, I don't need to let those thoughts be inflicted on something else that I love. It's bad enough watching people react to my cats... I don't want to do that to an animal that will actually be killed if they stand up for themselves against people that will yell and hurt them... It's just selfish, and it will only cause me more pain when they're inevitably put down or run over or whatever else could happen. Besides which, the only way I could get a dog here is if my dad finishes the fence, and he deliberately won't do that because he doesn't want a dog. It'd be cruel to keep one in such a small yard anyway, and I know it'd just get abused if it was in the house... and having a dog I can't see unless I go downstairs to dodge scrap timber crab grass with is just not worth it.

Even if I move out, it's doubtful I could afford a place where I can actually have a dog. As I said, no one likes them. Landlords don't trust them. I can't be bothered having a dog anymore because I don't know how long I'll be alive to take care of it anyway. I know it won't fix my problems. The problems will still be there, and if I do have a weak moment and do something drastic, then it will be the dog that suffers. Taken away to the pound to be put down because no one wants it...

Why should I want anything if it's only going to be taken away? I just can't buy into the myth of job = money = going out = meeting someone = family = happiness. I've seen people who think that works, and they're just as miserable as I am. The only difference is they have more pieces of a facade to cover their true selves with and distract other people and themselves from how unfulfilled and pointless their lives really are. I don't want to be bothered with jumping through all of societies hoops just to discover that it's all meaningless - that, I know already. So why go to the trouble of pretending I care when I don't?

All I can think of to postpone the problem is to go back on medication and pretend to be a drug addict again (pretending to be an alcoholic hasn't gotten me anywhere), which is both bothersome and expensive. But at least it'll project an image of feigning concern for my own mental health. You'd think that would be a plus, but it isn't. Being "drug dependent" is just something else for people to bitch at me about. At least I might have some fancy chemical reactions going on in my brain to make sure I truly don't give a crap anymore.

[Zetti]

To seriously sort yourself out, you have to tell your family how you feel or it will go nowhere.

[Jess]

I'm not really sure if this is the right place to post this, but I couldn't really find a more appropriate place.

It's a couple of things, really.

I'm eighteen a week on Thursday and going out for a meal and then to the pub with some friends. I go to an all-girls' school, so the majority of my friendship group are girls and we're all really close. So, basically, there's school friends, two girls I don't see very often and then some church friends coming out with me. But, there's also this guy at church who I love to bits as a friend, so I'd feel pretty harsh not inviting him. The problem is, he has a massive (and I mean, massive) crush on me - he texts me continually, and hardly leaves my side when I see him - even though I've told him I don't like him like that and don't want a relationship with him. Even though I'd feel harsh not inviting him, I don't want him to get the wrong end of the stick about our relationship (he'll actually be the only guy there, too). Even though I've told him how I feel numerous times he still thinks there's something there, so I'm not sure if I should risk getting his hopes up by inviting him to my, relatively small, eighteenth birthday get together. The dilemma is, however, that my girlfriends say that he should come with us - I know he'd look after me, and they want to meet him. I'm just not sure what to do for the best, to be honest.

Second thing - is it normal to be absolutely terrified about becoming eighteen and entering into your last few months at home before leaving for university? I've never cried about something so much in my life, and I really feel like I'm the only one feeling this way...