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[aejdude]

I have not seen a psychaetrist, but a nurse.. but I found it to make me worse as I got so fed up with her "you are such a great girl and why do you do this" when she does not know me at all :s

I have had sort of suicidal thoughts sometimes ever since elementary school (5th-6th grade)...

So that is nothing new, but I have only had the thought before.. I have never "viewed" myself actually doing it..

Don't do it. Your life is worth more than you realise.

[emmasi]

I have not seen a psychaetrist, but a nurse.. but I found it to make me worse as I got so fed up with her "you are such a great girl and why do you do this" when she does not know me at all :s

I have had sort of suicidal thoughts sometimes ever since elementary school (5th-6th grade)...

So that is nothing new, but I have only had the thought before.. I have never "viewed" myself actually doing it..

Ugh, I hate it when people do that. It's like they don't even want to listen to you. You do have problems, and they're real, and they're hurting you. That should be obvious to anyone with half a wit. But people like that, it's like everything you say is an inconvenience to their perfect view of the world, in which you should just be NORMAL and be happy like everyone else, because there are so many people who's lives are a lot harder than your's, but they're happy, so why aren't you? What's wrong with you?? But it's always a rhetorical question, isn't it? Because if you actually try to tell them what's wrong, or that you don't even know why you feel the way you do, then that's never good enough. They always want to double talk you and tell you that you don't really have a problem, it's all in your head, and if you were a better person, you'd just hurry up and get over it to stop being so annoying.

So that's why I don't like counselors. Some of them on the rare occasion are willing to actually listen to you and genuinely want to help you, but most of them in my experience are only out to tell you what they want you to say, not to listen to what you NEED to say...

This might all be sounding really negative, but here's the positive - when you're ready to deal with this stuff, you'll find the strength to do it. It won't come from people patronizing you and telling you to get over it, it'll come from something inside you that tells you that it's time for you to move on from that self-doubt and hopelessness. The tricky part is keeping some glimmer of faith that that will happen for you, even if you can't see how right now. And above all, DON'T do anything that would leave you without the chance of recovery, like suicide.

If you're depressed, I say be depressed. I say get out everything that needs to be got out, and screw anyone who tells you that your wrong to have emotions. That's why I love this thread. You can say whatever you want without people judging you. The more you bottle things up and try to hide them, the more they will eat at you. So let it out, and to hell with whoever gets in the way! If they don't like you for who you really are, and if they're not willing to let you have your weak moments and to be HUMAN, then that really is their problem, not yours.

[Megina]

I have not seen a psychaetrist, but a nurse.. but I found it to make me worse as I got so fed up with her "you are such a great girl and why do you do this" when she does not know me at all :s

I have had sort of suicidal thoughts sometimes ever since elementary school (5th-6th grade)...

So that is nothing new, but I have only had the thought before.. I have never "viewed" myself actually doing it..

Don't do it. Your life is worth more than you realise.

I won´t =)

I have not seen a psychaetrist, but a nurse.. but I found it to make me worse as I got so fed up with her "you are such a great girl and why do you do this" when she does not know me at all :s

I have had sort of suicidal thoughts sometimes ever since elementary school (5th-6th grade)...

So that is nothing new, but I have only had the thought before.. I have never "viewed" myself actually doing it..

Ugh, I hate it when people do that. It's like they don't even want to listen to you. You do have problems, and they're real, and they're hurting you. That should be obvious to anyone with half a wit. But people like that, it's like everything you say is an inconvenience to their perfect view of the world, in which you should just be NORMAL and be happy like everyone else, because there are so many people who's lives are a lot harder than your's, but they're happy, so why aren't you? What's wrong with you?? But it's always a rhetorical question, isn't it? Because if you actually try to tell them what's wrong, or that you don't even know why you feel the way you do, then that's never good enough. They always want to double talk you and tell you that you don't really have a problem, it's all in your head, and if you were a better person, you'd just hurry up and get over it to stop being so annoying.

So that's why I don't like counselors. Some of them on the rare occasion are willing to actually listen to you and genuinely want to help you, but most of them in my experience are only out to tell you what they want you to say, not to listen to what you NEED to say...

This might all be sounding really negative, but here's the positive - when you're ready to deal with this stuff, you'll find the strength to do it. It won't come from people patronizing you and telling you to get over it, it'll come from something inside you that tells you that it's time for you to move on from that self-doubt and hopelessness. The tricky part is keeping some glimmer of faith that that will happen for you, even if you can't see how right now. And above all, DON'T do anything that would leave you without the chance of recovery, like suicide.

If you're depressed, I say be depressed. I say get out everything that needs to be got out, and screw anyone who tells you that your wrong to have emotions. That's why I love this thread. You can say whatever you want without people judging you. The more you bottle things up and try to hide them, the more they will eat at you. So let it out, and to hell with whoever gets in the way! If they don't like you for who you really are, and if they're not willing to let you have your weak moments and to be HUMAN, then that really is their problem, not yours.

Thanks so much for that Emma! The thing with the person I talked to was just that.. she was talking about all the other girls that came in also and was like: well, I dont get why they do it because they are such lovely girls :S

And she was one of those bright and bubbly, the world is a bed of rose-pedals kind of a person.. :sI really dont like that :S

The thing is that I also talked to a friend of mine about some of it and he is just telling me that it is a load of rubbish for me to feel this and this as it is not true :S And that (as I have told him) does not help me at all as I can not help how I feel and him saying it is rubbish just makes me feel stupid and even more alone with the problems than before.. :S

And yeah.. This thread is a really good thread

[rising-flame]

I know some of what you're going through. I've been battling depression since i was 19 (i'm turning 26 this year) though i started spiralling down (albeit slowly) when i was 13!

You can't explain why you feel the way you do, only that you feel down. It may be that speaking to different psychologists might help until you find one that works for you. My doctor was very good with me, but i know the one in my uni town and took one look at my record (took about a minute to do so) then told me he wanted to take me straight off the prozac (i refused). he didn't bother asking if i felt better, or consider that maybe there was a good reason i was on it.

try and ignore anyone who tells you that you shouldn't be feeling that way/you're being silly. They don't know how you feel, however talking it through with people can help. Sometimes there is something which triggered it and once you figured out what it is you can work on it. Most importantly, don't bottle it up (talking on here is a good step in the right direction). If you want to IM me and talk in more depth, feel free. Sometimes talking to someone who knows some of what you feel can help.

also sounds like you're friend isn't beign much use, so he may not be the best person to talk to. I know i'm very lucky in that i have several friends i can talk to any time of day or night. It's just a matter of finding someone who will listen.

hope my ramble may have been of some help.

[Megina]

I am really sorry to hear that

I know some of the reason, but I feel there is something there that I can not explain..

I have friends that I can in theory talk too... But (even though they of course have problems of their own) they try to see the world as a bright shiny place for everybody but themselves and for that reason they only tell me that I am a fantastic person (blablabla) and tell me that everything will be all right and that there are so many people worse off... I know there is and I don´t feel good about feeling bad for myself.. There are people so much worse off than me but still I can not help it :S

Might take you up on that rising-flame =)

[rising-flame]

I had people tell me that there are people much worse off than me, and that i should just be grateful for what i have, but that doesn't really help.

I think i'm in a much better place than i was several years ago. I cam to terms with being on drugs shortly after i started. i don't even see it as an issue any more, i just take them.

I did counselling at uni (incidentally this all came out cause i got very home sick in my second term of uni so saw a counsellor (got an appointment quickly cause i mentioned about 9 months earlier i'd had suicidal thoughts, amazing how that makes some people move!! )

Had group therapy last year which was CBT (cognative behavioural therapy) which instead of dealing with teh issues, helps you deal with stuff that's currently happening. It gave useful help like make sure you give yourself time to do stuff you enjoy doing. For this i spend time cross stitching which really relaxes me (apart from this week cause i'm stitching a sampler for my cousins wedding on sat and not sure i'll finish it). Another thing which i found helps is exercise, something as simple as a walk.

For four years i lived in Aberystwyth in Wales (middle of nowhere) but it had a beach and sitting on the wall and staring out to sea really calms me down.

While other people will be worse off than you, they're not you. You can't help how you feel so don't beat yourself up about it.

[Megina]

Glad you feel better =)

I don´t really think that I want to go on meds though.. the thing is that I am terrified of my parents finding out about the eating disorder (even though my mom had her suspicions), the suicide thoughts and everything else... And I know you will probably think, well they love you and will only want what is best for you but I know my family and telling them would not work out well..

I am trying to not beat myself up about it but this whole thing makes me feel increbibely self-centered :S

[emmasi]

I am trying to not beat myself up about it but this whole thing makes me feel increbibely self-centered :S

Argh, therein lies the problem. You're worrying about everyone else, when you're the one you need to be worried about. I speak from continuing experience I get very paranoid about what people think of me - because I always assume it's the worst, especially with my family (and I'm usually right), but lately I've just sort of embraced arrogance lol. It can really be a life safer. When people tell you - or when the voice in your head tells you - that you're being selfish and ungrateful and just a horrible human being, then just say "Yeah, I am. So what?" It's not easy starting out, but even if you can manage to think like that one time out of ten, you'll feel so much better. It's really about learning to accept yourself as you are, no matter how flawed you may be, because everyone is flawed, it's just that not everyone admits it. It's not your fault if you're more perceptive, and you can see yourself for what you really are without being delusional and thinking you're perfect and have everything under control. You're not perfect, you don't have everything under control, and that's okay. If you can manage to get one thing under control, like a healthy diet (or something much easier to start with - I don't know, maybe you can expand your vocabulary by learning a new word every week or something lol, just something to focus on and give you little a sense of achievement) you'll be surprised at how much confidence that will give you.

I'm not by any means a professional expert, but personally I've found that doing little things to make yourself feel worthwhile, if only in your own mind, can help you out a lot. You're never going to feel completely at ease with yourself, but you really don't have to. As long as you can get to a point where you can look in the mirror, take in all your flaws and say "well, so what? No one's perfect." it'll just be great Of course when you get there, you'll probably still have days where you slip back and think that you suck and will continue to suck forever... but trust me, that's completely normal . It'll pass if you let it...

Gee, I suddenly feel patronizing lol. Sorry.

[Megina]

lol =) I will try =)

Thanks

[rising-flame]

I actually concur with you Emmasi. no-one is perfect and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. Sometimes paretns can surprise us with their reactions. I was really worried what my mum would say when i told her i'd had suicidal thoughts, her only concern was for me. She didn't tell me off or anything like that. However, if you're not comfortable speakign to your family, i'd be tempted to say don't bring it up. Don't avoid it though if it does come up. But be honest with them and they might surprise you.

I definatly like the embracing arrogance idea? can i nick that?