Support Group

[emmasi]

I hate uni. I mean I really, REALLY hate uni. No, I haven't been stupid enough to go back there... but somehow it still manages to destroy every aspect of my life. My best friend of 14 years suddenly revealed to me last night (in a drunken rant) that she resents me because I've been to uni, and apparently I think that makes me smarter than everyone else, and better than everyone else, and I have all this world experience and my opinion is the only one that matters... Right. I'm so smart... I've spent 5 years floundering in a 3 year course, not understanding anything or getting anything right. A course that's so confusing to me and makes me feel so slow and stupid that I've had no less than two complete emotional breakdowns over it - neither of which I've fully recovered from - and am so scared of going back there that even walking around the buildings made me have a f***ing panic attack. Yeah, I'm SO much better because of uni...

I know that everyone else in my life thinks I'm stupid and selfish and lazy, but I kind of thought my best friend would be different. She's not perfect you know, but I don't focus on all the stuff I disagree with or that disappoints me about her because I love her and I WANT to see her good qualities because she's got a lot of those too. I wouldn't be her friend if she didn't. I just never thought she'd even think that way about me let alone say it, drunk or otherwise (and to be honest, I think she was sober enough to know what she was saying). She was the one person I thought I could trust. And now I can't... Even if she apologises to me (which I don't think she will, because I think she believed what she said) it's changed everything. I know what she really thinks of me... you can't undo something like that.

It makes me so angry that she actually thought that uni was something I use to make myself more impressive or whatever. Uni is the greatest sourse of turmoil and shame in my life. I know that it was a mistake to go there, it was a mistake to keep going there, and it's a mistake to think I'll probably go back there again, but I'm too weak and stupid to know how to do anything else. Uni is the WORST thing that's ever happened to me... I just never thought that it would actually make my best friend turn on me too.

I HATE uni...

[carmelle]

I hate uni. I mean I really, REALLY hate uni. No, I haven't been stupid enough to go back there... but somehow it still manages to destroy every aspect of my life. My best friend of 14 years suddenly revealed to me last night (in a drunken rant) that she resents me because I've been to uni, and apparently I think that makes me smarter than everyone else, and better than everyone else, and I have all this world experience and my opinion is the only one that matters... Right. I'm so smart... I've spent 5 years floundering in a 3 year course, not understanding anything or getting anything right. A course that's so confusing to me and makes me feel so slow and stupid that I've had no less than two complete emotional breakdowns over it - neither of which I've fully recovered from - and am so scared of going back there that even walking around the buildings made me have a f***ing panic attack. Yeah, I'm SO much better because of uni...

I know that everyone else in my life thinks I'm stupid and selfish and lazy, but I kind of thought my best friend would be different. She's not perfect you know, but I don't focus on all the stuff I disagree with or that disappoints me about her because I love her and I WANT to see her good qualities because she's got a lot of those too. I wouldn't be her friend if she didn't. I just never thought she'd even think that way about me let alone say it, drunk or otherwise (and to be honest, I think she was sober enough to know what she was saying). She was the one person I thought I could trust. And now I can't... Even if she apologises to me (which I don't think she will, because I think she believed what she said) it's changed everything. I know what she really thinks of me... you can't undo something like that.

It makes me so angry that she actually thought that uni was something I use to make myself more impressive or whatever. Uni is the greatest sourse of turmoil and shame in my life. I know that it was a mistake to go there, it was a mistake to keep going there, and it's a mistake to think I'll probably go back there again, but I'm too weak and stupid to know how to do anything else. Uni is the WORST thing that's ever happened to me... I just never thought that it would actually make my best friend turn on me too.

I HATE uni...

^^Emmasi, I can't say I know exactly how you feel but I hate the fact that people make a lot of judgements about a person based on what uni they attend and what course they do.

I can't stand my uni either. The more I go there the more I hate the course and everything about it but I keep going because I'm not too sure about what else I am supposed to do right now. It doesn't help that I have exams in a few weeks and I need to pass them in order to be able to continue with the course next semester. After the amount of money and time that I have already spent on this uni and course not passing or completing it just isn't an option that I can consider.

Do you know what exactly it is about your uni that you hate so much? Or is it just everything?

[flutterby]

This is a ramble that really doesn't need replies but I just need to vent:

I am so afraid of disapointing people. My main problem is school/school work. At the moment I am half way through my 2 year GCSE course, and failing. I used to be smart, I got an A in the eleven plus and I have always done well or OK. But I think now lazyness plays a big part. I can't take my coursework seriously, I couldn't be assed doing my homework at the best of times, I can't do my higher maths and I have an extremely short attention span. My mum is expecting me to do so well on this exams and I just can't. I blame lazyness but I don't think I am up to them. I am a really big worryier and it effects my sleep and when I'm tired, I'm lazy and have no concentration. I am light years behind on my artwork and everything is just going ARGHH! Plus I take GCSE spanish which I am no where near fluent on.

[/rant]

I'm going through a similar situation with my second year of A Levels and the only advice I can give you is do your best. Nobody can criticise you if the grades at the end of all this aren't what they expected as long as they are the best you could do. Believe me....there is a lot of time between now and your exams if you use as much as you have if that makes sense...for example I got so little science revision done that in the week leading up to the exam I got my dad to test me on stuff and I answered about 2 in 10 questions right...all week he sat with me for an hour and asked me constant questions (I must mention here my dad didn't know any of the answers either but he just asked questions from the text book) and I came out with an A. I'm not saying it's easy and it's not fun to hear...as I type I'm thinking about what a hypocrite I am cos I'm not fulfilling my potential this year.

With the Maths - it's hard....I found it hard my friends all found it hard higher maths sucked but I guess that's why it's higher...just persevere...remember you don't need to know the answer to every question.

With the Spanish - I did French...you don't need fluency...as long as you understand some of the tense stuff and have fairly decent vocab you'll be fine.

With the art - I'm behind on my A Level art atm...make a list of stuff to do...annotations...photographs paintings etc and then decide one Saturday or Sunday 'by the end of the day I will have done this list' although art shouldn't be planned in my opinion sometimes you reach the point you just have to...we are students that need to get grades not artists that can just sit there waiting for inspiration!

I'm sorry if none of this has been helpful...don't want to sound patronising!

Di - I was so happy for you when I read about the outcome with Tom...I often read and don't comment but it made me smile...it's nice to have good news for a change.

[rising-flame]

Emmasi,

is it uni you hate or the course?

[emmasi]

It's uni. I didn't want to go there, but I was told I had to go there or get a job, and I knew I couldn't get a job because I didn't have the self-confidence to expect people to pay for the privilege of having me screw up their business. I figured uni was just an expensive version of high school, and I'd survived that relatively well (even though I mentally checked out for the last year and a half) but I realised later that that was only because of the tenuous grasp I had on my dwindling circle of friends...

So now, almost 6 years later (I've deferred this year because of "personal problems"), I find myself in the same position - go to uni or get a job - only it's ten times worse (at least). Now what little self confidence I had has been utterly destroyed by university, where I was constantly and consistently told that I was a deluded fool who's opinions were that of an ignorant child because in the REAL world, all men are scum-bag rapists and should die, all white people are evil bastards, particularly men, but don't think being a woman saves you there because black people, Asian people, European people with a slight colouration to their skin, etc - all these people, no matter who they are or what they do are better than YOU if you are white, because all white people are murdering devils intent on eliminating and oppressing all other cultures. YOU ARE A BAD PERSON BECAUSE OF THE COLOUR OF YOUR SKIN and the sooner you accept that and repent the better.

But perhaps "repent" and "devil" are inappropriate words, seeing as that could be construed as religious rhetoric, and we all know that any and all forms of religion - especially Christianity - is a joke and if you have any faith in anything, even basic science or the possibility that a human being is actually not out to destroy you... then you're an idiot and you can say goodbye to ever getting a high distinction because you clearly don't have the intelligence to see beyond what you've been told by your upper middle class white Christian mummy and daddy, you pathetic child.

So yeah, I'd heard all of that for 5 years, been living with it for 6, and have since lost any will to live because I've been told so many times how worthless my life really is. I could be anyone - a movie star, a rock star, a famous author, Prime Minster of Australia - anything I wanted to be... but no matter what I do, I'll only ever be a spoiled little rich girl from a good home. So why bother? Why do anything when my worthlessness is built into me from the day I was born?

Uni isn't an option for me for all of those reasons... but for the reason that I now have NO self esteem and NO real friends to distract me from it... getting a job is even scarier than ever... but whatever I do, I'll need to turn myself off completely. Through all of this, I've never wanted to lose myself. I've never wanted to believe 100% that who I am, and what I am will never be good enough for anyone. But you know... I'm 95% there. It's only that stubborn streak that's keeping me "deluded." So I don't know, maybe I do need drugs. I don't want them, I don't think they'll do anything for me but make me vacant and dependant, but maybe that's exactly how I need to be if I'm going to have any chance of surviving in a world of cynical a**holes who are determined to break me down. I just don't have the strength or the will to keep fighting. I can only have my foolish blind faith now that there are people in the world that will make it better some day, but I'm not brave enough, smart enough, or committed enough to be one of them. So... I'll wait. If all goes to plan, the world will end in 4 years anyway and I won't even have to worry about thinking for myself or anyone else ever again. Four more years. If I can hold out that long, then I know I'll have a plan.

[rachel&kim]

I'm sorry in advance for this post but I'm in a bind and I need somewhere to let it out and here is the only place I can 'talk' about it anonymously.

I take drugs. I have done for the past two years but lately they've been a screwing up my life big time; well my life is insanely screwed already but I always thought, what harm could a bit more trouble do me. A lot, apparently. Anyway, I've been caught and I just know my Mum is going to send me back to rehab. I can't go back there but if I tell her I'll stop by myself she isn't going to believe me. I hate that place with the doctors and understanding voices, it just makes me want to scream.

Anyway, like I said, sorry about this post. I just needed to get it out and there's really no one I can talk to.

[Zetti]

I'm sorry in advance for this post but I'm in a bind and I need somewhere to let it out and here is the only place I can 'talk' about it anonymously.

I take drugs. I have done for the past two years but lately they've been a screwing up my life big time; well my life is insanely screwed already but I always thought, what harm could a bit more trouble do me. A lot, apparently. Anyway, I've been caught and I just know my Mum is going to send me back to rehab. I can't go back there but if I tell her I'll stop by myself she isn't going to believe me. I hate that place with the doctors and understanding voices, it just makes me want to scream.

Anyway, like I said, sorry about this post. I just needed to get it out and there's really no one I can talk to.

Well I watched someone I know throw his life away through drugs. Just try to see it from the family and the doctors POV and try your best to get clean, it will be better for you in the long term.

[rachel&kim]

Yeah I know, that's not what I meant; I am ready to give it up, I just don't want to go back there. I've been twice in the past, and I know it's all for my benefit it just makes me feel trapped.

[rising-flame]

I'll admit now i have no experience of drugs (aside from prozac) so not sure i have any right to comment, but what about instead of rehab a retreat of some kind, where you're allowed to sort your self out without all the doctors and nurses? not sure if that sort of place exists but it might help.

Other thing is if you've cleaned up before, what prompted you to go back on drugs (if you don't mind me asking)

[rising-flame]

Emmasi, sounds like you're in a real bind and not happy. firstly, it doesn't matter what background you're from, rich, poor, white black etc you're no less important than anyone else.

In an ideal world, without any of that stuff weighing you down and holding you back, what would your ideal job be? for me it would be screenwriting. having something like that, a dream can occassionally help, what would yours be, no matter how unrealistic people have told you, there's no reason why you can't acheive it.