Support Group

[Traceve]

Thank you for your reply.

I don't think I'd even go to a retreat if I knew one existed here. I live in the country and eventhough my town is considered a city, I've never heard of retreats that are here or near by.

My friend, the one that I can talk to about this think she fails as a friend because she hasn't helped me as much as she would like to. I keep telling her that she doesn't fail as a friend and it isn't her fault if I continue feeling the way I do. But she just won't listen. It hurts me to hear her continue to say she fails, when she doesn't. She has done so much for me, more than she knows and I in return to almost nothing. I don't deserve to have her as a friend and I sometimes think she knows that. How can I convince her that she does not fail me? She doesn't even come close to failing me. I fear she's going to get sick of me dragging down her moods one of these days and just quit on me. I don't know what'll ever do without her. She was heaven sent. Although I probably do rely on her much more than I should. I just can't stand on my own two feet alone.

[Zetti]

Jayde: You let her know just how you feel, I have kind of been in the same situation but I came out of it stronger and have a fantastic group of friends and an awesome boyfriend who support me. Forget the people who supress and move on. You will be stronger because of it.

[Jayde]

^^ Yeah, I know I should tell her how I feel, problem is I tried but I couldn't come up with any words once we were face to face and it came out all wrong, I just couldn't explain it, and she kept going 'Jade, I never said that, I wouldn't ever' and then she has Louise with her - so, it doesn't work. I just end up messing it up even more.

[Cal]

Jade, it seems that these cows friends of yours don't know what a real "friend" is.

You're a real friend. You can stand up to them. Emma's minions aren't friends, believe me. Come third year they'll hate each other and they probably won't talk one another ever again. It happens in almost every school... and I've witnessed it a number of times.

Emma seems to manipulate them and everybody else in your class. That's not a person that will go far in school or in life. She's obviously clueless about how bad life can get. She won't last for one second in the big bad world. And I think you are better off without her and her so-called "friends". Seriously, stay away from them if they continue to be bitches horrible people.

You're better off being friends with someone who appreciates you being their friend. Maybe you can try and find some nice, decent, human-beings to hang-out with from now on (). I know it can be terrifying going up to people you don't know and talking to them, but it does help and it will make your life much easier.

[Cerise]

^^ Exactly what I keep telling her.

Anyway, I didn't come in here to... well, agree with Cal's Post...

Remember the, eh, college issue? I say stuff the counsellor woman. I wanted to teach. So I will teach. I'm gonna do a one year course in history, physics and music, and then a education studies course for three years and then do my higher diploma which is one and a half years. My Mom's even paying for it.

[KaitieL]

^ May as well try it, especially if your Mum is paying for it. You never know, you might like it and it's only a semester.

[Isobel]

Traceve - that's spooky; I find myself in your situation, only I'm the friend you mention. I'll advise you from my point of view.

Basically, what you say about your friend is really beautiful. It's not often in life we come across those we can truly open up to and trust in this way. Maybe I'm speaking too generally, but true friendship is a rare jewel, and it sounds like that's what you've found in her. All I can say at this point is...don't shut her out. Let her in, let her help you as much as it is in her power to. Don't push her away, and please, don't get angry at her if she's trying to honest with you. Trust me on that one. It won't do either of you any good. Let her be there for you. That's all I can really say right now. Don't rip each others heads off, please.

Now, onto my rant for the day.

My mother just informed me that she's taking me to a university open night tomorrow night. Okay, so she actually asked me a few days ago if I'd like to go and I agreed, because I do want to go back to study eventually. But I just don't know what I want at this point in time. I've been considering nursing, and the more I think about it, the more I want it but I'm scared, okay? That's crazy hard for me to admit, but I am. I went through so much crap last year all because of uni and I just don't want to easily put myself into a position where I can easily fall down again. I've pulled myself back up, regained my confidence and moved on from what happened and now it's like my family (who I know love me and mean well) are pushing me to get back into study. Mum reckons she understands my fears but she's never been in my position, and I explained that to her and I just ended up offending her. She's smart and successful, why is she living through me?

It's not even the uni evening that's bothering me. It's just my mother in general...

I feel so closed in. She tries to talk to me when I'm listening to my ipod, reminds me to brush my teeth, tells me I'm too quiet but yet if I'm chatty and she isn't, it's a 'go away'. She expects me to be an adult, yet she treats me like I'm ten years old. She, as recently as a few weeks ago, threatened to confiscate my laptop for some reason or another. I'm twenty, nearly twenty one! She tells me to clean my room, she only recently suggested that I'm allowed to use the freaking oven...the list really doesn't end. I need to spread my wings and I can't. And I know it's not a matter of trust or maturity - I'm not the only one who has noticed it. It all boils down to me being her baby and her only child and she just can't let me go.

I don't even know what I'm asking here. Just venting I guess. I've tried talking to her about it, and she seems to understand but the same cycle is repeated. Don't even get me started on the time she smashed my phone against the wall. Just don't.

Sometimes I wonder if she's trying to compensate for the fact that she's been a working mother since I was a few months old. But I respect her for that, doesn't she get that? I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm in the big girls' world and mummy won't let go of my hand.

Help?

[emmasi]

No help from me Belle. When you figure it out, PLEASE let me know!

I'm in a pretty good place right now, but it won't last. I am NOT being cynical! I know that life is only good because I don't actually have a life. I don't really care about that, but the constant threat of someone forcing me to do something - get back into study or get a job - is absolutely terrifying. As soon as anyone gets anywhere near the topic of me doing something with my life, my stomach ties up in knots and I get so scared that my only defense against it is to get angry, which I know is really immature but it's so stressful to even think of being taken out of my comfort zone and I get so mad at people for wanting to force me out when they know how stressed I get! I feel like they won't be happy until I'm literally dead of a panic attack - either I can't breath or my heart stops, something ridiculously unlikely like that. But that's what a panic attack feels like and that's what I feel I'm having when these issues get brought up... But the rest of the time, I'm fine

I'm not on any government support, which could help my parents out financially (we're not exactly struggling, but it would help, and I know my dad would like to retire if he could), but to get it I would have to actually look for work, and if I look for work, I might actually get a job, and if I get a job... well, there goes my safety of being locked up in the house and staying as far out of society's way as I can.

So... I am STILL thinking about going back on medication... I don't want to do it, but I don't see what choice I have. IF I'm going to be forced into society, I will need it... but even that's not so simple. They'll want me to go to counseling. I HATE counseling. It makes me feel nothing but patronized and wasteful - wasting their time, wasting my time, and above all wasting money. I don't want that guilt hanging over me as well as everything else!

So... I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. I know what I WANT to do - and that is nothing at all, but that only works if people are happy to let me do it, which they're obviously not. So... my only option is to do what they want, and to do what they want... I need to be medicated... even if it makes me sick, and not myself... and robs me of what few emotions I have left... ... I don't want to be that person. But my family and society doesn't want me to be me... and they outnumber me so... I guess I have no choice. The worst feeling in the word - and I've said it for as long as I can remember - is feeling trapped. That's how I feel now... that people are trapping me from the outside... I don't want a drug to trap me from the inside as well... but I can't be "normal" without it. I can't study, I can't learn to drive, I can't get a job... I can't do anything like that without panicking and feeling like I'll die... or worse, that I wish I was dead, so I didn't have to feel it anymore... so... if I already wish that... maybe it won't be so bad to be dead inside... I just don't know.

[rising-flame]

What medication was it you were on? (if you don't mind me asking)

[emmasi]

Zoloft, but it was only for about three weeks - I didn't really feel it affecting me mentally, but physically it made me feel nauseous and dizzy and sleepy, which I can do all on my own, thanks. But towards the end it was like... I got insanely focussed and I'd do stuff without even really considering the consequences, and that's when I stopped because I didn't want to be like that. Sure, it took away the self-doubt like it was supposed to, but it was like I didn't have any consideration process. It was scary so I went off them. I didn't go back to the doctor after that. I know I should have, but she was a uni doctor and I still didn't want anything to do with uni... Also, I don't trust doctors or counselors. I know that's paranoid but they contradict each other, and I don't know if I'm coming or going. I'm already confused and they don't help it, they just make things worse for me. So I've been avoiding going back, but now I don't know if I can avoid it anymore. It's so humiliating having to go crawling back after all these months. I don't like crawling or begging for anything... and... it'll be like I'm begging for a drug fix... because I'm too lazy to get counseling and do any work myself... I expect a stupid little drug to fix all my problems for me. Admitting that to a professional is - as I said - absolutely humiliating. I hate it. And I hate it more because it's not even what I want, it's what everyone else needs me to do, even though they don't want me to be "medicated" either, but there's no other way. Counseling does. Not. Work. For. Me. It's take me as I am or take me hopped up on God knows what... and nobody seems to be happy with me the way I am so... yeah.

Ugh and don't get me started on the "do you drink?" question... Funnily enough, no I don't much anymore because it doesn't usually do what I want it too. Much. But AT ALL makes you sound like an alcoholic addictive personality that's just going to start scratching at your face and arms if you don't get another hit of SOMETHING even if it's just prescription anti-depressants. And god help you if you've dabbled in anything else at parties every other six months... then you're just a written off as a lost cause...

And that's all if you're not "just a bit sad" in the first place.

I have major issues with doctors and counselors circuit, if you can't tell.

But to answer your question, Zoloft. Zoloft was the poison. And I think I mean that literally.