Support Group

[rising-flame]

Firstly, make sure you think things through very carefully before acting on anything. Although it's tough you perhaps ought to sit down with your sister and talk things through. What attracted to your husband in the first place? and did you feel railroaded into the marriage?

[KaitieL]

I have no idea. We were friends before. I was drunk and there was always this pressure from his friends that we should be together. I just can't see any good qualities while I'm so mad at him.

I guess I felt pressured into the marriage. Growing up, Mum always said that she'd like us to be married before we had children and felt like I let her down because I fell pregnant and we weren't even engaged. I honestly don't think we would be married if there was no baby. Part of the reason I got married was to please my mother but it's not like she forced me or would be disappointed if I didn't. I just hate letting her down.

I'm not game to say anything, but I know I should talk to him about it. I just can't bring myself to say anything.

[rising-flame]

From what you're saying, it sounds like the marriage was more a convinience thing and from personal experience (well of watching my friends) parents staying together for the sake of the child can be a really bad thing. You have to consider what's best for the baby, that may be you and your husband split now but are able to remain friends and both move on with your lives rather than staying together and your possibly resenting the child and your husband. There is no one right answer, but you have to listen to your heart and gut, and make sure you're happy as well.

[emmasi]

I'd say talk to your mum. It sounds like you're still scared of disappointing her, but it also sounds like she'd genuinely only want you to be happy. And if you're not happy with your marriage and you're considering ending it, I think you might need her approval, psychologically, to do it. I'm no psychologist, and it's hard to sum up the break down of a three year relationship in one or two posts on an internet forum, but that's my two cents worth.

I really only say it because I think my sister is in the same situation as you are, except that she's been married for 6 years and has two kids. She works all day and when she gets home, she's the one who has to look after the kids. Her husband works too, but like yours, when he gets home he's straight on the computer. He does do some housework, but he seems so disinterested in helping with the kids. I actually think that he might feel like he was pressured into having kids too young because my sister kind of had to have a baby straight away for medical reasons, or risk not having any at all. I feel sorry for him sometimes, but HE'S not my family, so I'll take her side if it comes down to it. I'm not close to my sister at all, but if she came to me and told me that she was thinking of separating from him, I would understand why because it's pretty obvious that neither of them are very happy with the way things are. If you are close to your sister, then it may already be obvious to her that you're having problems, but she just doesn't want to say anything because she doesn't think it's her place or she doesn't want to upset you. Besides which, you can never be 100% sure what happens behind closed doors. That's why I don't say anything - I could be completely wrong.

Anyway, talk to your sister first to get your head straight, and then if you do decide you really want to be separated, talk to your mother before making it official. I think you'll feel better to know that she's on your side no matter what. Of course I don't know her but... that sounds like the kind of person she is from what you've said. So hopefully it will be okay . And if not... well... ultimately, it's your life, and your the one who has to live it.

Oh yeah, then talk to your husband! lol. Might want to let him in on the discussion at some point... But seriously, I think it will be easier to talk to him about it once you've gotten some objective opinions and cleared things up a bit better. He may be feeling the same way as you, and he may want to end it, or he may want to do something to work on the relationship, and if that's something you want too, then by all means go for it. It can't hurt to try once you're both on the same page.

[Jayde]

Thanks to the people who replied, I'm really sorry about posting in here about it. I know it's just your typical friends stuff and you get over it eventually. That's what I'm told, anyway, it doesn't feel like it though.

rising-flame

I think you're brave, for having the courage to stand up to your so called friend. She doesn't sound like a particularly nice person and you possibly will be better off without her. Friends come and go over time, you'll find someone who is worthy of being your friend and who won't stab you in the back.

Thanks, I don't think I've been too brave, it doesn't really feel like I've done much, I doubt she's read it because after what I wrote she wouldn't be so 'Oh Jade hiii', I mean, maybe she felt sorry for me or something. She isn't a really nice person, no, but you should hear what everyone else says about her. (read below for the update). People worthy of being friends there are, but I still don't feel I can talk to them about it, they either stay silent or say 'No, I think Emma's really nice'. They all seem to have a girl crush on her.

Cal

Jade, it seems that these cows friends of yours don't know what a real "friend" is.

You're a real friend. You can stand up to them. Emma's minions aren't friends, believe me. Come third year they'll hate each other and they probably won't talk one another ever again. It happens in almost every school... and I've witnessed it a number of times.

Emma seems to manipulate them and everybody else in your class. That's not a person that will go far in school or in life. She's obviously clueless about how bad life can get. She won't last for one second in the big bad world. And I think you are better off without her and her so-called "friends". Seriously, stay away from them if they continue to be bitches horrible people.

You're better off being friends with someone who appreciates you being their friend. Maybe you can try and find some nice, decent, human-beings to hang-out with from now on ( ). I know it can be terrifying going up to people you don't know and talking to them, but it does help and it will make your life much easier.

Yeah, funny you should say that, she knows exactly how hard life can get. Emma to me in PE today

"Oh my god, my toe is so sore."

Such a traumatic experience, Em, I'm so sorry for you, your life must be a living hell because you banged your f*cking toe.

Okay, I'm joking, basically last year her sisters best friend died and so did her granddad. Your probably reading this and thinking that's why she's behaving like it, but no. It's only me she's dissing and bitching about. No one else.

This is a really small thing, but she scribbled my name off her pencil case and replaced it with someone else's. It just seemed so final. Sad thing is I still feel the urge to be friends with the group because I'm more noticed. I'm not an attention seeker, but I'd like these other people to get to know me (that being the real me) because I think we seem to have a lot in common and I think I'm missing out on a friendship with some of the others because of Emma.

But like you say, come second or third year (Yep, I'm only a sad little first year. Lol) they'll hate each other. Even Emma hates Caoimhe already because she's "annoying". God, Civa just wants to be friends and Emma's pushing her away. No wonder she's just trying to hold on. I just realized me and her have so much in common. We'd be better friends if there wasn't the frizzy red head Emma. Actually, it seems Caoimhe tries to talk to me and remembers what happened between me and Em, it's like she told her not to talk to me.

Sooo, today. Well, it's not like Emma's mean to me, she talks to me sometimes. And if I ignore her it looks mean of me to the other people around, so I talk. It feels better to just talk casually rather than to be friends. It's not like I could ever get the bus with her, sit beside her, or go out with her/them ever again but... talk. Talk is fine. I'm sometimes worried about saying too much though, how much can you talk to people who aren't your friends about? Will Emma's sore toe be the subject of all our future conversations? Maybe even mine. It's so black, and sore. But that's a) slightly gross and b) it doesn't even matter. Lol. Unless we're talking about sore toes.

Eurgh, where was I?

Yes,. today. I'm quite good friends with this girl, Kate and there's these other girls I'm kinda friendly with who are Kate's friends so that's a friend-of-a-friend thing. And there's Aimee and Ellen.

Kate - Really nice person, always says sorry. I always say it's grand. It works well.

Kate's Friends - Well, Grace is Emma's friend, so she doesn't really talk to me... Sarah used to talk to me but now she's gone off a bit, probably because I was a bit annoyed because I told her about Emma and she went and told her straight away. The others: I think Emma's really nice....

Aimee and Ellen - Best friends, the two of them. Amy = really nice but a bit of an airhead. Ellen = used to kinda bully me slightly, but she turned out okay.

and there's Laura: Emma's REALLY nice. But otherwise Laura is grand. She hates her sister sooo much though. Can totally understand her, I hate mine too.

Our Home Economics teacher went to design the set for Stars in Your Eyes tonight in our school, so we came with her to the canteen. I was with Kate and Laura, the subject went to Emma, Laura starts her Emma's really nice I love Emma thing... And when I go on about what she did to me she just looked skeptically and didn't believe a word. I couldn't stand it so I just told them I was going AWOL for a second. Eurgh.

Anyway, I'm not looking for support, but replies to this massive post are welcome. And I really need tips on how to handle the last TWO WEEKS OF SCHOOL.

And I have a few things to look forward to

- Monday, School Trip. Looks crap, but it'll be fun on the bus. I have One Tree Hill on my Ipod and it's a three hour drive. A good excuse to watch it.

- Thursday, We get off at 2:10, Maths and Science. Okay, I love both, but still, two classes off? Awesome.

- Summer Exams. I know, nobody looks forward to exams, but our Timetable went up today, I have the Wednesday off (ie no exams) which means lie in day, and SE means Summer Holidays! Start on Friday the 23rd, finishes the next week. 1 and a half hour exams and an hour break between each, two a day unless you don't have a certain subject.

- On the School tour we're going to a Planetarium in Armagh (http://www.armaghplanet.com/) and then Ice skating in Dundalk (http://www.dundalkicedome.com/) and the tutors are coming with us as well as our year head (who is the happiest person alive). Ms. McCraith skating

[emmasi]

I think this thread is messing with my head lol. Jayde, you're like my past - feeling isolated in a group of "friends," being so sure that I can't trust any of them to say or do anything real. There's always a group leader, and there's always the yes men who just say what they want to hear and do what they're told so they don't get thrown away. You're not interested in doing that, but you do risk being thrown away therefore. The thing you have to realise then that you can be your own best friend, and anyone else who comes along to support you is just a bonus. But if they're not supportive, and they expect you to give you all of your time and attention without giving any back to you, then what's in it for you? Not much. Move on.

KatieL, you could well be my future (a few years removed.) I don't want a kid. I don't necessarily want a husband or a boyfriend or anything else. But that's what's expected of me. My mum is not subtle about wanting more grandchildren. She's not pushy, but she makes it more than obvious that she'll be disappointed with me if I don't breed. So now I'm starting to wonder if I should just give up on my selfish life and dedicate a new one to looking after a husband and child, and forget that I ever wanted to be anything resembling myself. The only thing stopping me from really going after it is that I KNOW I don't want kids, and I can't bring myself to do that to a child.. to raise it in a loveless environment where I personally will resent it. I'm not at all suggesting that that's how you see your son, in fact with the lengths you're going to now to protect him from a marriage breakup and to make sure that his father is in his life, I could almost guarantee that you don't. But I would. I know I would... and yet... I could pretend, couldn't I? For the sake of everyone else, I could pretend that I'm a normal, nurturing female, and that I want nothing more out of life than to carry on the species...

Ugh. I'm rambling. I just hate feeling like this. Someone asked me earlier if I could have a pill that made me not afraid to go to uni, get a job and a driver's license, and a car and a house and a family of my own... would I take it? Well, yes, I would, but that's still no guarantee that I'd actually WANT any of those things. I just... don't. And I know that makes my life pointless, because I have nothing to strive for and no ambitions... so I guess... If I could find a pill that could make me WANT to get married and WANT to have children, and actually love either one of them, instead of just having them because it's normal and I can... that would be the pill I want. If I had that, I wouldn't need one to conquer my fears and phobias, because they'd be worth conquering and I'd find a way. As it is... all I want is to be left alone, and to be left alone, I have to put myself in the path of more people than ever. I hate how unfair that is. I still want to run away - at 23, I want to "run away"! - but again... I can't see the point in struggling to survive on my own when I really have nothing to live for anyway. If I could just exist without feeling the need to do anything at all, that would be great, and I can find that frame of mind when I'm on my own. I can be okay. But as soon as anyone else enters the equation, I see myself through their eyes, and through their eyes, I SHOULD be doing something, I SHOULD be out in the world, adding to overpopulation and pollution and the slow and steady destruction of every other animal, plant and mineral on the planet... It's too much to think about. And I've been told time and again that I think too much. So, clearly, I should stop thinking and start doing - but the point is, there's nothing I WANT to do... so I have to continue to think until I think of something I really want... but the problem is that while I'm thinking, I'm not doing, so the prodding begins all over again and before you know it I'm an ungrateful brat who's never going to move out of home because I've got it too good, sponging off my parents. Yep, I do. And? If they didn't want me here, they'd kick me out. If I didn't want to be here, I'd leave. Neither thing has happened, so then what? I stay still and keep thinking about what I SHOULD DO next... but as long as I think, nothing ever comes to me.

THEREFORE: I get good and drugged up so that I DON'T think anymore, and I just DO, and by the time I've done a few things that I don't want to do, maybe a few thoughts will slip through about what I do want to do... Seems to be the only option left. I just hope that five years from now, I don't wake up and realise that I have three children I don't love, a husband who I would prefer not to touch me or talk to me, and a job that is absolutely menial and holds no interest for me. But, if this is how life must be, then I guess that's how it must be. Jump through the hoops, and at the end I might get a biscuit. Woopee. Shame I'll probably be off junk food by then.

[Jayde]

In fact, screw my previous post, and all the oethrs. It doesn't matter. There's no point. It's just stupid 13-year old drama. I can't believe I've wasted peoples time on them. You don't need friends in life. You don't have to be happy.

[rising-flame]

In fact, screw my previous post, and all the oethrs. It doesn't matter. There's no point. It's just stupid 13-year old drama. I can't believe I've wasted peoples time on them. You don't need friends in life. You don't have to be happy.

Jayde, don't think like that. If it makes you feel any better i had huge friendship problems at christmas, and not totally disimilar to yours, and equally upsetting. And i'm 25!!!!!! so don't think you're wasting our time, you're not. I think most of us can remember what it's like to be 13 (for me it sucked!) but you do need friends in life, they support you and being happy helps with life.

Emmasi

Take a break, but don't let yourself get pushed into a life you don't want, especially if children are involved, it's not fair on them, and it really isn't fair on you. There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids. You may never want kids, you may decide 5/10 years down the line you do, there is no "right" answer. Other than what's right for you.

I've met quite a few people, single and couples who have no desire to have kids and they're perfectly happy, so why shouldn't you allow yourself to be.

As for a man, the right one for you will turn up at the right time for you. Have a little faith in yourself

[KaitieL]

Thanks for the replies. I just don't know whether I'm ready to talk to anyone close about it yet. It's easier to do it like this, when nobody really knows you.

I wasn't forced into having a baby. It just happened and I thought that because I'd always wanted kids, then it wouldn't be a problem if it happened earlier. Now I don't feel that way. I feel like I've missed out on my life and all I'm going to be doing for the rest of it is raising the baby and housework. I know it takes two, but I partly blame my husband for falling pregnant and being so stupid and careless. I think that's why I'm starting to resent him and the baby. Now. people keep asking me when I'm having another one. The one I have now is enough to put me off having any more.

Jayde, you're problems are just as important as everyone else's. Maybe Emma (?, I got a little confused with all the names there) is been bitchy to you because she's jealous of you? Just a thought.

[Barbara]

Kaitie, I read your last post first, so my post might not be very clear.

Right now, you don't have a job, right? Maybe you could find a (part-time) job or a new hobby so you're not at home all the time. Maybe spending a few hours without the baby will do you some good. You're a mother but that doesn't mean you can't have a little bit of time just for you or spend a day with some friends.

You could also go on a little trip with your husband and spend time just the two of you. It might do you both some good. He'll be able to relax too without having to think about his job and your son for a few days. And you might realise you still have feelings for him.

Talk to each other, try to find out how he is feeling. If you both know where you're standing, you might be able to work on your marriage if you want to. And if you both feel the same way, then maybe you should separate.

Ask your husband to help you a bit more with the housework. Ok, he has a full-time job but taking care of the baby or doing the dishes once in a while isn't going to kill him. I understand he needs to relax after a long day at work. But he can go on the computer once the baby is asleep. You might not have a 'real' job but taking care of a toddler is also a very tiring job. You also need to relax. Make him understand that.

Who says you can't have a career? Once your son will go to school, you can't find a job and have a career. Lots of women have children and a career. You can be one of them.

You were 20 when you had your baby. When he will be 18, you'll be 38. You can travel then. You'll be 38, that's still young. And your son will be old enough to take care of himself.

Try to talk to your mum. You don't want to disappoint her, that's normal. But she's your mum, she wants you to be happy, right?

So the most important thing you have to find out is whether you still have feelings for your husband. Is it love or just friendship? Once you have the answer, talk to your mum or sister and your husband.

I'm also 22. But I'm not married and don't have a baby to take care of. So, I hope this is a little helpful.

PS: You don't want another baby right now. Nobody can force you to have one. Besides, you're 22. You might still change your mind in a few years.