Support Group

[rachel&kim]

Edited to remove shameful drunken confession.

[KirstyEkua]

Suzie I think you need to be harsh with this girl and tell her how she's treating you is not acceptable and she has no right to make you feel the way you do. You didn't do anything wrong.

When you say 'made out' i guess all you mean is a kiss? Or was it more? Did you kiss her back? Sorry, just from the way you said it it's difficult to interpert what you really mean.

And if a guy doesn't want to be with you becasue of a drunken kiss you didnt even initiate then he's not worth it anyways.

Shann i'm sorry for how this woman's treating you. I think you need to forget about her becasue how she's treating you is awful and you don't deserve that. Maybe if you just sit your parents down and explain they'll understand. Good luck!

[emmasi]

I'm f***ed all over. I'm saying stupid things, doing stupid things, thinking stupid things... suicidal thoughts...

I almost wish that I felt strongly enough about life or death one way or the other to actually make a choice and do something. As it is, both options seem the same to me, and I can't bring myself to commit to either one. It makes no difference. I feel dead inside as it is - too dead to be bothered with making the outside match. I just don't care enough to be so dramatic. I'm just floating, vaguely anchored by this burning feeling in the pit of my stomach that insists I'm not dreaming, that my tears are real, and that they might some day accomplish something. But... not right now. I don't have the drive for it now.

I think this is a cry for acknowledgment, rather than attention. I honestly don't want attention, the kind that brings ideas and reassurance and... whatever. All things I just don't care about anymore. But maybe... a sign. Some sign that someone knows I exist. I seem to fade in and out. Sometimes I'm here, sometimes I'm not. I don't know what's real, what's dreaming... for all I know I'm already dead. But like I said, it makes no difference to how I feel. I think I've said before that feeling and knowing are two different things. I don't feel anything, but I'd like to know something. I'd like to know I'm alive. If I know it, I might eventually feel it. Can I get a word?

[bikinikill]

Hey Emmasi

I started to reply to you this morning, but got caught up, so I'm trying again.

Things are really tough for you at the moment. But suicide is not the right option. It is never the right option. It is a very long term response to what you are going through. I know that it feels like you are going through hell - are you probably are - but things will look up. It won't be easy, I won't tell you that, it will be a hell long road with battles like you've never thought, but on the other side is life. Life that is better than you could ever imagine, better than you could ever believe. Its tough at the moment, but you aren't alone, and people absolutely know you exist.

Signs are nice, but the truth is there probably won't be any. As much as it would be nice. But there is alot of compassion, alot of empathy and understanding, and within you there is alot of determination and ability to get through this. You will get through this.

I know this sounds like a whole lot of trite rubbish, but I've been there and I've done that and I've probably done a whole lot worse. It won't be forever, but suicide, thats forever. You can't take that back.

You will get through this. From the bottom of my heart, you will.

Stay safe. And call Lifeline if you need to.

[John]

Emmasi, I know you exist because I value the insightful person behind your posts on the board. As the previous poster said, suicide is forever, don't go there. Tomorrow is another day and nonce again I'll look for you on the board.

[Lise]

My Uncle tried to commit suicide last year (he didn't succeed) so from a family members point of view, people do know you exist and want to help. People will want to help you because the other option is pretty scary. My Uncle was willing to leave his wife and three little children behind and while he's still a little on edge, he is getting better. Hopefully you can find someone to talk to who can help you.

[emmasi]

Thanks guys.

I'm not feeling any better, but it is nice to know that people care. My family love me, I know that, but it's not enough to know it, I have to feel it, and I don't. It's complicated. I won't commit suicide, because I know it won't make any difference to me, but it will to other people, and I'm not interested in changing other peoples' lives for the worse when it won't make a difference to mine anyway.

I can talk and talk and talk til my face is blue (bad hypothetical), but talking only leads to more talking... I've talked. I've listened. I've heard it all. I know it all. I still don't feel any of it. That's the problem. I need to feel something, and right now I don't. I don't even remember if there was ever time where, for more than a couple of seconds, I've ever felt anything. I suppose anger and frustration - those are feelings. Fear, paranoia... those things can last for hours, sometimes days. Sometimes I have achieved contentment and happiness, I can almost remember that now. But for 95% of my time, I'm like a rock. Don't do anything, don't feel anything, and if I happen to think anything, it's nothing so important that I'm inspired to move.

Mostly I'm thinking out loud in here. You don't have to worry too much about me, the replies of acknowledgment are enough. Thank you.

[John]

Thanks guys.

I'm not feeling any better, but it is nice to know that people care. My family love me, I know that, but it's not enough to know it, I have to feel it, and I don't. It's complicated. I won't commit suicide, because I know it won't make any difference to me, but it will to other people, and I'm not interested in changing other peoples' lives for the worse when it won't make a difference to mine anyway.

I can talk and talk and talk til my face is blue (bad hypothetical), but talking only leads to more talking... I've talked. I've listened. I've heard it all. I know it all. I still don't feel any of it. That's the problem. I need to feel something, and right now I don't. I don't even remember if there was ever time where, for more than a couple of seconds, I've ever felt anything. I suppose anger and frustration - those are feelings. Fear, paranoia... those things can last for hours, sometimes days. Sometimes I have achieved contentment and happiness, I can almost remember that now. But for 95% of my time, I'm like a rock. Don't do anything, don't feel anything, and if I happen to think anything, it's nothing so important that I'm inspired to move.

Mostly I'm thinking out loud in here. You don't have to worry too much about me, the replies of acknowledgment are enough. Thank you.

Great to have you back. Your posts are always full of emotion and passion, that's why they stand out from the rest of the board. That emotion must come from somewhere!! Make sure it keeps flowing.

[emmasi]

That's fine in theory, as long as the emotions don't get out of control, like they did the other night. I was prickly and abusive and ... well, insane. Literally. I'd apologise, but I'm still not sure I'm sorry for it. I felt - ah, felt!! - trapped, misrepresented, ganged up on, and ignored. So... maybe I can feel things, but only bad things which lead to more badness

[John]

That's fine in theory, as long as the emotions don't get out of control, like they did the other night. I was prickly and abusive and ... well, insane. Literally. I'd apologise, but I'm still not sure I'm sorry for it. I felt - ah, felt!! - trapped, misrepresented, ganged up on, and ignored. So... maybe I can feel things, but only bad things which lead to more badness

Don't worry, I'm surely going to disagree with you when I think you're wrong, but I'm not going to attack you. I'm also going to agree with you just as readily when I think you're right. Either way, even if we do disgree on something, that doesn't diminish the value of either opinion.

I don't figure I have a monopoly on knowledge or wisdom. If I get anything right or even nearly so it usually just because I've stuffed up at some time enough to learn a painful lesson.

I have a favourite Dr Hook song ( my age is showing!! ) It has a line which goes "It's not that i'm wiser, it's just I've spent more time with my back to the wall."