Support Group

[adellejefferiesxox]

Did you ever get to see your cats, Lily-G? It's nice that you've still got a cat that you can see. I like the name by the way

Nope, I didn't get to see them. And as far as I know they are with another family but who knows they could have been put to sleep. I'll never know. But I've just got to accept it and move on. Yeah I thought my neighbour naming the cat Todd was a great idea lol

[~Maddie~]

so I'm back...

I ended up relapsing and I went back to rehab... I also found out my mum and dad are splitting up because dad's found a new woman in his life... after so long of being absent I was finally aloud to be released and start my life over

Hopefully, it'll be better this time

[emmasi]

Pills stopped working a while ago, so I stopped taking them. Now I'm going quite mad. Slowly but surely. So tomorrow I'll be going back on them again. The money is becoming an issue. I was hyperventilating while trying to drive tonight. I'm still on my L's and can't remember anything. Everytime I get in a car, it's like I'm driving for the first time. Everytime I do something wrong, Mum acts like I did it on purpose, when she knows that I'm just too stupid to remember how not to do it. So when I started hyperventilating in a shopping center carpark with people walking around, riding bikes, driving at me in a convoy of headlights, she asked me what's wrong. "What's wrong!? I've been off my pills for two weeks! That's what's wrong!" So she SIGHED and said "Fine, give me your prescription and I'll get some tomorrow " This is after she already told me that I'd have to wait until she had money. Will her horse-racing bets have to wait this weekend? She doesn't bet much - maybe $20 or $30 - but my pills are $35 per month. So... yeah. My sanity is a low priority for her. Just a persistent inconvenience. Eff. That. I'll get them my damn self, but she asked what was wrong so I told her. Sure, I would like to have my mother pay for the medicine I need to function in human society, and not have to choose between having that or having lunch or a coffee at uni to make sure I don't pass out in class from lack of sugar or whatever the hell it is that makes me want to do that so frequently, but there it is. I get $50 a week from her, which I appreciate, but that's supposed to cover uni stuff. Travel, food, and books, and then I get to live off what's left. $35 on pills tends to screw me over quite a lot. Plus there are two movies that have come out in the space of two weeks, which ARE my priorities, because that's $25 total and I hardly ever see my friends in person anymore, so going with them to watch movies starring people I care about sort of reassures me that if they can be successful in their field, and move from obscure little TV shows to big screen, multi-million dollar movie franchises, then maybe I have a chance at making something of myself, some day. It's stupid, but I have to have hope, or else... well, I wouldn't have anything at all.

I'm not functioning without the pills, but they stopped working long before I went off them. I have one more prescription left, and I'm afraid that if I use it and spend $35, all I'll get is ineffective pills and an empty bank account. Then, when I go back to the doctor next week, she'll suggest a whole other kind of pill, probably a stronger kind... and who knows what that will cost.

Logically, I should wait. But it's getting hard. It's just... I can feel myself spiraling and even though the prescription I have may not work, I feel like I should at least try it and see if being off it for two weeks has made a difference.

But it's $35. I can't afford to waste $35.

I suppose I've waited this long. I can wait another week... maybe...

Or... can I...?

Panic attack on Sunday, hyperventilation today, jumping and cringing at every loud noise and sudden movement I hear or see, wanting to scream at anyone who gets too close to me or who expects me to listen and respond to anything they say... It's no way to live. But then, living $35 down is not a great way to live either... especially for the privilege of having nothing happen, and then throwing them out in favour of something more expensive in a week's time...

UGH!

I know that other people have real problems with real causes, but I just needed to vent.

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

[bikinikill]

Hey Emmasi

You should never go off Antidepressants unless you do it slowly etc, because it can make you feel worse, alot worse. So I urge you to get your prescription filled asap. Is there a friend you can ask for a loan? If you tell them you need it for meds I'm sure they wouldn't mind. And you can pay them back. Or you could explain to the chemist your situation and pay them off slowly if that helps, $10 a week or something. I really urge you to go back on the meds, and not go off them without being carefully monitored and doing it slowly, even if you think they aren't helping. Its just dangerous. Truly dangerous. Please look after yourself and see your doctor soon.

Take care.

[emmasi]

I'm seeing my doctor next Tuesday. I saw a counselor on Monday who said that she doesn't usually think that medication is the best thing for anxiety and depression, but in my case she does.

It's kind of funny. I have a doctor who urges me to see a counselor and a counselor who urges me to see a doctor. I feel like a tennis ball.

[Lise]

I'm so sorry to hear about your family, Lise! If you ever want to talk; I'm always here.

I know completely what you mean about being used, or giving things and never getting anything back; it really annoys me, and I can take quite a bit... I feel bad when I say that, but every once in a while, it'd be nice to have something given back. But no. I'm used to it, I guess, though.

*HUGS Lise!*

Thank you. I'll keep that in mind. Talking to my sister is like talking to a brick wall. She just doesn't listen. She bore the brunt of it the other night, too but nothing ever changes (when I'm frustrated I tend to just yell and scream). Sometimes I think life would be much easier without family because it feels like I'm always doing things for them and they never do anything back.

Jem, I hope you can find a solution. Maybe you could try bikinikill's idea and see if you could pay them off a little bit at a time?

I just rung Dad and he says he's going home today so I'll be doing some serious finger crossing that he sticks to the plan!

[emmasi]

I didn't get the pills, and I didn't go to uni. I tried to go to uni... I woke up at 10.30, like I always do on a Thursday, to be ready in time for the 1pm train. But Mum was home. I thought she'd told me she could drive me to the station at 12.30, but she actually said 11.30, so I wasn't ready by the time she was leaving, which meant I would have to take a taxi to the station, because buses are unreliable and waiting for them gives me panic attacks... Taxis cost money, which as I sad is an issue at the moment. But I had a shower and got dressed and tried to be ready... Then I sat down and... well, abused myself for not being ready, and missing the 1pm train... Then I kept on abusing myself as a way to force myself into getting the next train, and trying to get to most of my class (it goes for three hours). But of course, that didn't happen. I did my work at home instead. Which in a way is good, because I never get anything done at uni because... well I keep having panic attacks over all the constant loud noises in the art room. People using nail-guns, and hitting plastic golf balls full of paint... some guy with giant speakers hooked up to his car so that the sound is like a pneumatic drill... Irritating to normal people. Terrifying and tremor-inducing to me It's ridiculous and stressful, and is quickly guaranteeing me a whole lot of trouble as far as attending 80% of classes goes. I'm sure I've already exceeded my limit of absences, but I have the same teacher for two classes on different days, so... it's not like he'll forget who I am. Still, another self-inflicted worry.

I justified it by saying, if I didn't spend $12 on a taxi, $4 on a train, and my inevitable Thursday indulgence of a $4 bagel and a $4 coffee... when I eventually get around to going to a chemist, I should have enough money to buy my pills without having to worry too much about the cost.

I have two assignments due next Monday too. One to hand in to the teacher I blew off today. That isn't helping anything I'm going to ask him for an extension, but I don't know if he'll give me one. He seems to do things by the book and if I don't have a doctors certificate on Monday, even though my appointment is on Tuesday... Eh. It should be okay. But like I'm going to believe that when there's so much opportunity to panic stupidly about it and presume the worst case scenario

[sharksarecute]

Hey Emmasi

You should never go off Antidepressants unless you do it slowly etc, because it can make you feel worse, alot worse. So I urge you to get your prescription filled asap. Is there a friend you can ask for a loan? If you tell them you need it for meds I'm sure they wouldn't mind. And you can pay them back. Or you could explain to the chemist your situation and pay them off slowly if that helps, $10 a week or something. I really urge you to go back on the meds, and not go off them without being carefully monitored and doing it slowly, even if you think they aren't helping. Its just dangerous. Truly dangerous. Please look after yourself and see your doctor soon.

Take care.

You should never ever stop any medication unless under doctor's advice. Alot of doctors get free drug samples from pharmaceutical companies. Explain your situation to your doc.... your health and well being is paramount

[emmasi]

I'm okay. I'm on a Star Trek high at the moment... and I got that much-needed extension for my assignment. (Thank you teacher, you lovely lovely person you.) I should be okay until Tuesday.

I didn't mean to be all rebellious and danger-inviting about going off the pills. They ran out, I didn't have money at the time to replace them with a redundant prescription. I have the money now, but Tuesday's only three days away, so I think I can wait to buy a more appropriate prescription. I'm sure the doctor will see it as deliberate self-harm and want to lock me up in a mental hospital until I admit I'm an alcoholic, drug-addicted masochist, but until then... I'm going to try not to think about it. I have enough troubles without worrying what she thinks of me.

If I thought the pills were working at all, I wouldn't have gone off them. As it is, I'm not any worse off than I was when I was on them but not feeling their effects. The withdrawals were happening before I stopped taking them, because I believe the chemicals have just been absorbed into my system now, and my body isn't registering them anyway so taking them is just a waste of time and money. They were $35 sugar-pills, without the sugar. I think I've done the right thing for me, and I don't regret it. I only regret that the pills stopped working, which wasn't my fault and was not something I wanted or intended to happen.

[jack+martha=trooluvv]

My problem isn't that huge compared to everyone else's. I just hate my school so much.

I'm fine at home. I have a wonderful family. But at school it's like I'm plunged into this place where I am totally scared. I'm getting bullied and I can't defend myself because I just freeze up. I'm sick of walking past people and being terrified of what they think of me. I'm starting to get really panicky about stuff - if there is a question I can't answer in a test, I feel like I'm about to pass out. I hate the stupid b!tchy popular crowd at school. They make my life hell. They are such fakers and posers and I wish I could not care what they think but I do.

And there's one person who was the most important person in my life but now he hates me and anyone who's been through that knows how much it hurts.

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OK, got it out of my system now