Support Group

[emmasi]

I'm shaking and crying and I am so f*cking mad at myself for being this sensitive and tipping over this easily. Dad yelled at me for using clay on the loungeroom floor. The loungeroom floor is lino. Not carpet, not porous wood, LINO! I told Mum that it would wash off with a sponge. She said "That's fine," then she went out to get lunch. Dad walked into the loungeroom three times and didn't say a word to me about the clay on the floor, so I thought he must have realised how easily it would be cleaned up. Then Mum brought lunch home and Dad came into the loungeroom to eat it. I had been working for hours - and I do mean WORKING because I was doing this as a way to reacquaint myself with simple pottery techniques in order to teach them to children (as per my new job which they said they were proud of me for getting). So I thought everything was okay. I would have made a point to clean up before Dad came up for lunch but he'd already been in there and hadn't reacted so I THOUGHT IT WAS OKAY! Well, it wasn't. I stupidly believed that I'd been doing a good thing. I stupidly believed that they'd be proud of me for taking some initiative and doing some hands-on research to prepare for my children's class. And, like a stupid child, I thought my parents would want to see what I'd made. And that's when all hell broke loose.

Me: "Look, I made a turtle "

Dad: "AND LOOK AT THE MESS YOU'VE MADE OF THE FLOOR!"

Me: "It'll wash off with a sponge."

Dad: "YOU DON'T DO THAT ON THE FLOOR!"

Me: "IT WILL WASH OFF WITH A SPONGE! IT'S ONLY LINO! I DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD MATTER!"

Dad: "WELL IT DOES MATTER!!!"

Mum: "You DON'T do that on the floor. It's not normal."

Me: "Well I thought you'd both seen it and didn't care!"

And it went on like that until I asked Dad how much mess he'd made in his workshop today, and how easy would it be to clean up? Which of course caused more yelling. You have to understand that I'm not allowed to do anything - pottery, painting, even drawing leaves too much offensive pencils and paper in everyone's way - but dad can trash every inch of the ground level of the house (which is under the part where we live, because the house is on a steep hill) and he can make as much noise as he likes while he's doing it, and it doesn't matter that the noise hurts my ears and makes me so upset that I sometimes wake up to it and want to cry, because I know that it will be the same thing every weekend and every day he has off work because he has zero consideration for anyone else. I tried to complain about the next-door neighbour using a whipper-snipper or a chainsaw or something this morning because it hurt my ears and upset me, but of course Mum and Dad took the neighbours side because "this is a community and people need to cut their grass and chop up firewood!" BUT DO THEY HAVE TO DO IT EVERY F*CKING DAY FROM 7.30AM!? Dad says that it's legal to make noise from 7.30am, but that doesn't make it right. Shouldn't there be some responsibility taken by the individual to try and be considerate of their neighbours, or their own family?

I just can't understand why everyone else can do whatever the hell they want and be labeled as fine upstanding citizens with every right to make living here feel like constant auditory torture for me, making me cry because it never stops and I can't take it anymore. (Right on cue, someone's using a circular saw now...) I feel sick and helpless and I thought that using clay would be okay because that's a legitimate job now. I did not have any idea that my parents would still manage to turn it against me. Or that Dad would use this as an excuse to bring up the fact that I used to paint in my room, which is carpeted. But he acts like I'm throwing paint around the walls and letting it drip off the canvas. I DON'T DO THAT! My painting style is small-scale and precise and what the f*ck is wrong with doing it in my own room? Not that I can do that when Mum's in the house anyway because she doesn't like the smell. Oh, and did I mention that this painting that Dad is talking about was for a UNIVERSITY assignment!? JESUS F*CKING CHRIST! WHAT THE F*CK AM I MEANT TO DO!? I DIDN'T want to go to university but I did it FOR THEM! I DIDN'T want to get a job but I did it FOR THEM! I DON'T want to be jumping through Centrelink's hoops to find ANOTHER job, because one isn't enough, but I'm doing it FOR THEM! And because I used paint in a carpeted room once - and didn't spill a DROP, thank you! - or because I used clay on lino - and let my lunch get cold and ruined to clean it up right away to stop Dad from yelling at me... because of that, they're allowed to treat me like crap and make me feel like the biggest burden.

Ah, and don't forget the way that no one ever says they're sorry. They realise they were wrong, that I'm upset, and they just switch back to being nice like nothing ever happened, and if I don't play along because I'm STILL upset, then I'm the biggest bitch in the world. Dad just brought me up a block of wood to put the clay on so that I don't put it on the lino. He did this as if he was doing me a big favour, and that I should jump up and hug him for being such a great dad. Except that my eyes are still red and wet from crying, so I didn't even look at him and couldn't bring myself to give him a sincere thank you. So he dumped the board and slammed the door when he left.

I still haven't eaten my lunch. I'm waiting for the nerves in my stomach to calm down. Mum said to me: "You could have eaten it BEFORE you cleaned up." I laughed, and almost cried on the spot. "No, I had to clean up right away even though I said I would clean it up and it would be fine but that doesn't matter because no one ever believes me anyway!" Then I quickly walked out with my cold and ruined lunch and came in here to try and make myself feel better by writing it all out as catharsis. It didn't work. I'm still fighting back tears.

Oh, it is fun living here.

[Lise]

It sounds like your Dad deals with you the way my Mum dealt with me. I had to tell my Mum that screaming at me wasn't going to help the situation and it only makes it worse. She thought that it was the only way to deal with me if I was upset which still makes my mind boggle. I don't know if you could talk to your Dad and say that he doesn't need to talk to you like that and if he has a problem with something you are doing then he could calmly talk to you about it? It might stop situations like that from happening, at least.

[emmasi]

I think it would be easier to just move out. My cats are the only thing that keep me sane, but listening to Dad always complain about them pisses me off so it might be better to just bite the bullet and abandon them. Dad pisses me off in general. I hate being in a room with him. I can't explain why - it isn't rational. Most of the time he's nice, but I guess he just puts me on edge, because I never know when he's going to go off about something, or about me. I was shaking so badly this afternoon, and it's not like he was going to do anything other than yell at me, but I couldn't stop and I couldn't make my body understand that there was no physical threat. It was like a panic attack but I wasn't panicking, I was just... shaking. I was trying to put my clay tools back in their bag and almost couldn't do it. The worst thing is that I was shaking in front of my parents. I don't like being weak in front of people, especially them, because it's like proving them right. I don't know if they noticed.

I've been looking at rental properties in my area. They all look really dodgey - at least the ones in my imaginary price range. I say imaginary because I don't have much money yet but maybe being on Centrelink will someday pay off if I managed to save enough for a bond. The ones I was looking at were $650-$750. Then it's at least $150-$200 rent per week. It could take months to save that kind of cash. Unless I can get rent assistance before I'm actually renting, but that doesn't sound likely. I just find Centrelink impossible to deal with. The people I've talked to have all been really nice so far, which is lucky, but I still don't know what I'm doing there and I don't know how to get answers. My instinct is to call them, but I don't think you can get anywhere without actually going into a branch, which I'm doing tomorrow, but I don't even know why I'm going there or if I'm supposed to be going there. Someone from Centrelink just told me to go there on Monday! I'm so confused. I feel so helpless. I hate feeling helpless.

Then I have to be realistic and realise that moving out won't help anything. At least if I'm really mad at Dad I can yell at him and then go sulk about it. What happens if I'm mad at my landlord? Do I just chuck in my $700 and go sulk in the gutter? Not likely.

I'd say I feel vaguely suicidal for about half of my waking life, and really suicidal for nearly a quarter. That's not good, and no-one believes that I feel this way because I'm not the kind of person who will act on it. That doesn't mean I don't think about it, constantly, and to varying intensities. Some times it's really really bad and the only thing that keeps me from doing it is the fact that I'm too flaky to commit to something that huge. But just because I won't commit doesn't mean that I don't have serious mental issues going on. Before anyone suggests it, I am going to see my doctor on Tuesday. I was only going to get a certificate for my depression and anxiety so that I can prove it to Centrelink (I really despise having to prove it, I despise that I'm automatically presumed guilty of lying until proven innocent - or as innocent as a hypochondriac with a made up condition can be, because you know that if you can't see it, it doesn't really exist) but now I can see myself just blurting all of this out and begging to be put on drugs again just to see if they've decided to start working again. Yes, I want to be a drug-addict again! The biggest barrier before was the cost of medication, but on Centrelink you're supposed to be able to get everything for $5 so that would be handy. That's assuming they give me that option. I don't know. Everyone else seems to be able to work these things out but I'm just too dense. Which frustrates me. It frustrates me because I'm a smart person in some ways, but I just can't understand the basic ways of getting along in life that other people are expert at. I feel so useless and pathetic. Well, I do have one use - making pottery - but apparently that's so offensive that attempting to do it in the house will leave me shaking for hours. So there goes that. Goodbye, little shred of self-esteem. It was nice while it lasted.

[emmasi]

Thanks thelonius It means a lot to me that people like you and Lise are willing to try and understand and help me. It gives me some hope for the human race to know that there are people like you guys who really care about other people, even when you don't have to.

I've pretty much been hiding in my room since it happened. Which isn't much different to what I usually do, cause this is where the computer and TV are . But I want to go out and get a can of pepsi from the fridge in the loungeroom, and I'm really having to psych myself up for it, because Dad's still in there. I'll probably just wait til he goes to sleep. But he'll probably be here tomorrow so there's not much point trying to avoid him. Ironically, if he is home, he'll probably offer to drive me to the pottery studio (I'm attending an adult class for myself to brush up on my skills before I start teaching the kids class next term). And I'll probably accept because it's a lot easier than walking. Plus, if I don't play along with the "apologies"... you know. It's just not worth it. I was so upset today though, I think I need to sleep on it to calm down completely.

The suicidal thoughts are more about frustration than anything else. I feel so trapped by my life that sometimes I just want everything to go away. It's not that anything particularly bad has ever happened to me, I think it's just the normal angst of living, magnified to an excruciating degree by the chemical imbalance in my brain I feel bad for wanting to die, because I know how much I have going for me and how lucky I am because of that, but it's not a feeling that I can control. It just happens. I wish I could control it. I'd much rather be happy than depressed.

[DinerLandlord]

Emmasi, if moving out proves not to be a viable option for you and you are stuck living with your parents, I would suggest that you find more reasons to get out of the house, whether it is for socialising, or exercise, or shopping, or whatever. Obviously you have two jobs now which is really positive, because you'll meet new people when you start the second job, and won't be spending as much time at home. It is good in one way that you have a TV and computer in your room, as it can be a refuge of sorts from your parents, but I hope you don't spend too much time alone in your room. If you're having suicidal thoughts a lot of the time, even if you will never act on them, it isn't good to be alone. Spending time with your friends, or forming new friendships with colleagues could help you a lot with that. Even if you don't feel comfortable talking about your feelings with other people, just being around them might be a good distraction from what is going on inside your mind.

[Hannah-K]

I have been having serious problems at school. My parents refuse to let me leave the school im at because they say i need the best start in life by going to a private school. I dont believe them. These problems are now making me feel really bad about myself. I am always feeling angry with myself and dont know how to stop it. I have thought about cutting myself but havent yet.

My uncle is also off to Afghanistan next week and im really worried about him because he also has a 4 month old baby. My grandad has dementia and i feel really upset about that as well. i dont know how to cope with life anymore and feel angry because i feel its my fault. i feel like giving upin life sometimes as well.

[DinerLandlord]

^Whatever you do, don't cut youself or harm yourself in anyway, and if you feel like you are going to do that, ring an ambulance straight away. The problems in your life are not your fault so please don't blame yourself. Your grandad's illness and your uncle going to Afghanistan are not things you have any control over, and nobody would, could, or should ever blame you for them. You cannot take on the responsibility of worrying about things like that, especially at a young age. As for your school, if you have been having problems, you should talk to your favourite teacher, or a staff member that you trust, like a school counsellor. Tell your parents about what has been happening in school, ad try to get them to see it from your point of view. Most of all, try your best to stop worrying about everything, you can't carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.

[Pierced Musie]

I have been having serious problems at school. My parents refuse to let me leave the school im at because they say i need the best start in life by going to a private school. I dont believe them. These problems are now making me feel really bad about myself. I am always feeling angry with myself and dont know how to stop it. I have thought about cutting myself but havent yet.

My uncle is also off to Afghanistan next week and im really worried about him because he also has a 4 month old baby. My grandad has dementia and i feel really upset about that as well. i dont know how to cope with life anymore and feel angry because i feel its my fault. i feel like giving upin life sometimes as well.

Cutting yourself will release the pressure but believe me, the feeling does not last. To help with the anger try the elastic band technique, where you put the elastic band on your wrist and snap it everytime you feel the anger getting to you. It may help to stabalize the anger you feel. Try meditation as well for the anger, along with writing things down. You can get through a lot by writing things down.

I also back what DinerLandlord has said.

[emmasi]

I'm not having a bad day, I'm just feeling bad about it. Music helps but it can be a little too appropriate sometimes. I almost cried listening to "Don't Stop Believin" because I HAVE stopped believin... and then settled in for my "suicide selection" (my dramatic title for songs about death): "Bohemian Rhapsody", "Don't Fear The Reaper," and I stopped it before it could get into "The Killing Moon." Then I was singing "Don't fear the reaper!" to my cats as I gave them their food, and I thought that that would be the extent of my insanity for the day. Then I went downstairs to hear "all in all you're just another brick in The Wall" coming from the TV. I just stopped and looked at it and thought "Yeeeeup." It made me want to watch the movie, "The Wall," but I'm not allowed to watch that sober. I tried it once and was very traumatized. I have to be good and drunk so that it can all just wash over me without me thinking about it too much.

Of course, according to my doctor, I'm an alcoholic so I shouldn't be drinking anyway. She says this because I had a complete nervous breakdown one day about a year ago and then I drank until I felt better so that I didn't kill myself. I made the mistake of telling her this and she's held it against me ever since. Today I told her that my idea of binge drinking these days was six light beers, which earned an eye-roll and a knowing nod of her head, like THAT meant I've fallen off the wagon. Um, I was never ON the wagon! I never ever said I would stop drinking, I only said that I wouldn't do it to excess anymore. I drink because I like it and sometimes a beer or two can make me feel good when I'm on the verge of screaming or crying, so I'm really sorry if that makes me an alcoholic, but being that kind of alcoholic is a better alternative to me than alienating all my friends and family by taking out my issues on them and then eventually committing suicide because I have no one left to take it out on except myself. I'm not doing shots when I roll out of bed in the morning. I'm not turning up to appointments with Centrelink or employers or doctors with a few drinks under my belt, even though I know that doing it sober will leave me shaking like a sick dog. I choose my moments, and MY moments are the only thing I have left that's mine, and it's not up to her how I choose to spend them. She's not worried about MY health, she's worried about an Australian statistic that I have nothing to do with. I didn't drink more than two or three beers in my life until it was legal. How many people can say that? How many alcoholics can say that??? Maybe you're reading this and thinking "she doth protest too much!" but I have to protest when I'm being accused of being something I'm not! Alcoholics are not bad people but they usually do bad things. They hurt people because the alcohol is the most important thing to them. I am nothing like that! I am not hurting anyone! I'm not even hurting myself!! I do more damage to my body with chocolate than I do with alcohol but the doctor's not shaking her head and telling me how awful it is that I do THAT is she?? I even said that to her one day, and she said "I hardly think that eating chocolate is as bad as drinking alcohol " Um, HELLO! Obesity, tooth decay, acne, diabetes... possible sugar rush and/or nausea if you eat a lot all at once... Compare that to LIGHT beer! Uhhhmmmm... calm enough not to scream and cry? Able to let my guard down just enough for people to get within a few feet of me without me thinking they're going to attack me? You could say the liver-damage I suppose but doesn't the liver also freak out when trying to break down fat? Like in chocolate?? Besides which, if you are going to play the liver card, I'll have to redirect you to the side-effects of the brilliant chemical medication that should be administered with a funnel because it's just that super fantastic! It can cause liver damage. So... hmmm... wow, not really seeing why beer is Satan's urine. Of course if you drink it all the time and to excess, it's going to be a problem, but do I do that? NO! Do I wish my doctor would stop thinking "Oh if she's telling me about six light beers she had last week, that must mean that she really had a hundred shots of tequila that she didn't tell me about. Lying booze-whore!"?? HELL YES!

I'm so f*cking sick of having to justify myself to everyone else. In fact, I'm so sick of it, I'M GOING TO HAVE A LIGHT BEER BEFORE I COMPLETELY SNAP AND START PICKING FIGHTS FOR NO GOOD REASON!!!!!! Call the ambulance and the cops! I'll be needing a stomach pump and a citation for lewd behavior in about 20 minutes!!

EDIT: Scratch that. I'm not drinking just because she doesn't want me to. I drink what I want when I want because I'm an adult and a pretty responsible one if I do say so myself. So screw her and her "alcoholic" talk. IF I want a drink later I WILL get one and it WILL NOT have anything to do with HER messing with my head and trying to make me feel bad about myself for something that isn't even an issue! Don't I have enough real problems to worry about without her making stuff up !?

[bubbleburst]

what does it mean when a friend of a guy asks you if you would like to go out with the guy? see the girls room thread to understand what I'm talking about.