Support Group

[pembie]

Yes I have come to realise that she was never really my friend now Not if she can just cut me off and I haven't heard a word off her for about month now I was hoping she would say sorry I still don't really understand what I even did but oh well. I'm still bothered about it but not like I was she's just a silly person

[Luke39]

On 25/02/2016 at 7:12 AM, pembie said:

Yes I have come to realise that she was never really my friend now Not if she can just cut me off and I haven't heard a word off her for about month now I was hoping she would say sorry I still don't really understand what I even did but oh well. I'm still bothered about it but not like I was she's just a silly person

Chicks huh. I can relate bro dont worry. 

[Sunny Girl]

Three years today since my Mum died. 

[pembie]

Sorry to hear that I'm sure she would be proud of you though

[Sunny Girl]

The person I am closest to - We keep talking about things and we both want to do things, but stupid stuff gets in the way. I mean, it doesn't help that we live 45 minutes apart now, when we used to live together. Which really sucks and is crap in a massive way.

I just want stuff to work for us. 

[Sunny Girl]

So - Everyone in my life is happy. I'm not. Is that bad?

[emmasi]

In my experience, very few people are actually happy. Some people are just better at pretending they're happy. I am not one of those people. I find it very difficult to pretend to be something I'm not. It gets me into trouble, a lot. I've been told "fake it til you make it!" more times than I can count. Fake being happy until you ARE happy. I don't know how to do that without feeling like a complete fraud. I don't want to be fake. So, not faking it equals not trying, and people get angry at me and tired of my bad attitude. After a while I just stop talking because I'm afraid that anything I say will be "negative" and "selfish" and "stupid" and "inappropriate". I'm afraid that being honest about how unhappy I am will make other people unhappy, and that will make them angry at me for ruining their happiness! And yet, if I follow that logic back around to the beginning, no one I know is really happy to begin with... So what people are really angry at me for is not PRETENDING to be happy, because that's what THEY do, and if THEY can do it, why can't I? Why do I think I'm too good to be fake? Why can't I just fit in and get things done and keep my mouth shut and play the game like everyone else? Why can't I be "happy" doing that? I don't know. I wish I knew. I wish I could find a convenient prescription drug that would make me that way. I do keep trying all the ones they throw at me. Haven't found it yet. So many people with my mindset are fighting to be unique, fighting the system, fighting to be free of drugs, but I'm just so tired of fighting. I just want it to be easy. I just want to take the "happy" pill and be the mindless drone society wants me to be. I mean, sure, if I could be enlightened, and intelligent, and spiritual, and wise, and creative, and talented, and individual, and have fire... if I could have all that and be treated well, be treated like I matter, be treated like I'm worth anything at all, then maybe I'd choose that option. But I live in this world, here, now, in this so-called reality, and things don't work like that here. You need to be contributing, to be fitting in, to be smiling, to be producing and consuming in an endless cycle, and you need to never complain or question or doubt or challenge or change. That is the only way to survive. I need the pill that will make me WANT to survive in a world like that... a world like this... a world where control is only an illusion and nothing we do really matters. But we have to somehow pretend that it does, until we believe it does... fake it til you make it... or at least until you can make believe... 

If it makes anyone feel any better, I have a near-perfect life. I am comfortable and safe. I have never known any significant physical pain or injury, hardship, hunger, addiction, poverty, abuse, or tragedy. I have had every support and opportunity. I have a moderate amount of creative talent. I am reasonably smart. I am okay to look at. And yet, I still feel like absolute sh*t because something in my brain has effed up pretty bad when it comes to getting all of that positive objective information through my negative, depressed, anxious, borderline-suicidal filtering processes. And knowing how good I have it, and how bad a lot of other people have it, makes me feel even worse for being unhappy... but I can't help it. If I could "choose happiness", wouldn't I? Wouldn't everyone? How is that even a question??? If someone with my life can feel the way I do, then it has to be something outside of an "attitude problem". It HAS to be a chemical imbalance. It HAS to be fixable by drugs, if I - if we could all - just find the right one. I will not accept that this is my fault, that I deserve to feel like this because I'm simply not trying hard enough to feel better. I WILL NOT BE BLAMED FOR MY DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY. 

And yet... when I next see the psychologist... I'll be back to nodding and avoiding eye-contact... passively accepting her every assertion that only I can fix my problems, because, obviously, only I have created my problems... And when I next see my doctor, I'll tell her, yes, the medication HAS reduced the thoughts of suicide... down from 90% to about 40%! That's a significant reduction, alright! A COMPLETE SUCCESS!! Let's just hope nothing swings it back over the 50% mark and I don't decide to roll the dice and see what happens!

PS, yeah, unemployment. And the affiliated agencies. Nothing makes you feel more worthless than having complete strangers remind you on a weekly basis how you're sucking the hard-working people of the country dry with your selfish, entitled dole-bludging. So you have a "mental disability" and can't work full time? HAH! That's the oldest trick in the book! Everyone knows mental illness is just a scam to keep lazy criminals at home smoking bongs! 

[Sunny Girl]

Thanks for your reply Emmasi. I really appreciate it.

[Wanderer101]

On 4/18/2016 at 2:03 AM, emmasi said:

In my experience, very few people are actually happy. Some people are just better at pretending they're happy. I am not one of those people. I find it very difficult to pretend to be something I'm not. It gets me into trouble, a lot. I've been told "fake it til you make it!" more times than I can count. Fake being happy until you ARE happy. I don't know how to do that without feeling like a complete fraud. I don't want to be fake. So, not faking it equals not trying, and people get angry at me and tired of my bad attitude. After a while I just stop talking because I'm afraid that anything I say will be "negative" and "selfish" and "stupid" and "inappropriate". I'm afraid that being honest about how unhappy I am will make other people unhappy, and that will make them angry at me for ruining their happiness! And yet, if I follow that logic back around to the beginning, no one I know is really happy to begin with... So what people are really angry at me for is not PRETENDING to be happy, because that's what THEY do, and if THEY can do it, why can't I? Why do I think I'm too good to be fake? Why can't I just fit in and get things done and keep my mouth shut and play the game like everyone else? Why can't I be "happy" doing that? I don't know. I wish I knew. I wish I could find a convenient prescription drug that would make me that way. I do keep trying all the ones they throw at me. Haven't found it yet. So many people with my mindset are fighting to be unique, fighting the system, fighting to be free of drugs, but I'm just so tired of fighting. I just want it to be easy. I just want to take the "happy" pill and be the mindless drone society wants me to be. I mean, sure, if I could be enlightened, and intelligent, and spiritual, and wise, and creative, and talented, and individual, and have fire... if I could have all that and be treated well, be treated like I matter, be treated like I'm worth anything at all, then maybe I'd choose that option. But I live in this world, here, now, in this so-called reality, and things don't work like that here. You need to be contributing, to be fitting in, to be smiling, to be producing and consuming in an endless cycle, and you need to never complain or question or doubt or challenge or change. That is the only way to survive. I need the pill that will make me WANT to survive in a world like that... a world like this... a world where control is only an illusion and nothing we do really matters. But we have to somehow pretend that it does, until we believe it does... fake it til you make it... or at least until you can make believe... 

If it makes anyone feel any better, I have a near-perfect life. I am comfortable and safe. I have never known any significant physical pain or injury, hardship, hunger, addiction, poverty, abuse, or tragedy. I have had every support and opportunity. I have a moderate amount of creative talent. I am reasonably smart. I am okay to look at. And yet, I still feel like absolute sh*t because something in my brain has effed up pretty bad when it comes to getting all of that positive objective information through my negative, depressed, anxious, borderline-suicidal filtering processes. And knowing how good I have it, and how bad a lot of other people have it, makes me feel even worse for being unhappy... but I can't help it. If I could "choose happiness", wouldn't I? Wouldn't everyone? How is that even a question??? If someone with my life can feel the way I do, then it has to be something outside of an "attitude problem". It HAS to be a chemical imbalance. It HAS to be fixable by drugs, if I - if we could all - just find the right one. I will not accept that this is my fault, that I deserve to feel like this because I'm simply not trying hard enough to feel better. I WILL NOT BE BLAMED FOR MY DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY. 

And yet... when I next see the psychologist... I'll be back to nodding and avoiding eye-contact... passively accepting her every assertion that only I can fix my problems, because, obviously, only I have created my problems... And when I next see my doctor, I'll tell her, yes, the medication HAS reduced the thoughts of suicide... down from 90% to about 40%! That's a significant reduction, alright! A COMPLETE SUCCESS!! Let's just hope nothing swings it back over the 50% mark and I don't decide to roll the dice and see what happens!

PS, yeah, unemployment. And the affiliated agencies. Nothing makes you feel more worthless than having complete strangers remind you on a weekly basis how you're sucking the hard-working people of the country dry with your selfish, entitled dole-bludging. So you have a "mental disability" and can't work full time? HAH! That's the oldest trick in the book! Everyone knows mental illness is just a scam to keep lazy criminals at home smoking bongs! 

Hey emmasi, I read your post, and I definitely have thoughts on one of your points. About how you feel like your life is near perfect, yet there are others who have it much worse, and that makes you feel even bad for feeling bad when others have it worse.
Well like you said, your sad feelings you've got in your life aren't your choice at all. And those people who have it worse when it comes to opportunities, safeness, etc. That wasn't their choice either. So to me, it seems that your emotional issues that aren't your choice matter just as much, and are just as valid as those other people, since neither of them are a choice, and neither of you want it, and it's both effecting you badly. So I try to tell people that when they might feel guilty for feeling bad when other people have it 'worse'. So try not to feel guilty about your valid, sad emotions that you didn't choose
Not sure if that could help at all, but I believe it to be true, I might as well say it!

[pembie]

I'm a very chilled out and laid back person normally but you really do anger me..

When I told you I enjoyed going to see live boxing and then you asked if it put me off it. I said no because the training I do for it is mostly to keep fit for self defence. and I have always said it was try to impress the girls.  But if the chance came around that I could have a go came up I would like to try it out just to say I have done it.

Then you say I wouldn't be good enough because I'm not flexiable enough to dodge the punches. Your probably right I don't expect to be that good to be honest or anything but I can defend myself. I have learn't how to slip away its not the same as able bodied boxers but it is adpated.

Then you go on to say there will be stonger people out there and you use people who are paralyzed in the lower body but have a stronger upper body strength because of it as as a example. What happens if you punch them in the legs you say they won't feel it. What the hell as that got to do with anything? We don't aim for the legs anyway No boxer does. Then you say I'm a big kid and expect praise all the time errrr no I'm 33 I just said I disagree with your points.

Its fine that you don't agree with boxing but it would be nice if you had some faith in me when I try these things out and not make me feel well useless.