Formerly Known as FKAJ Posted May 1, 2008 Report Posted May 1, 2008 The wisdom of Samuel Goldwyn: * An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. * Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. * I had a great idea this morning, but I didn't like it. * That's the trouble with directors. Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg. * Give me a couple of years, and I'll make that actress an overnight success. * I'm willing to admit that I may not always be right, but I am never wrong. * True, I've been a long time making up my mind, but now I'm giving you a definite answer. I won't say yes, and I won't say no -- but I'm giving you a definite maybe. * Let's have some new cliches. * You've got to take the bull between your teeth. * Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue. * Never make forecasts, especially about the future. * Our comedies are not to be laughed at.
rising-flame Posted May 1, 2008 Report Posted May 1, 2008 I've got the "never wrong" one scrolling across my screen as a screensaver!
Luc Posted May 21, 2008 Report Posted May 21, 2008 Blond Police-Officer A blonde female police officer pulled over a blonde gal in a convertible sports car for speeding. She walked up to the car and asked the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde convertible driver searched through her purse in vain. Finally she asked,"What does it look like?" The blonde police officer told her, "It's that thing with your picture on it." The blonde driver searched for a few more seconds, pulled out her compact, opened it and sure enough saw herself. She handed the compact to the blonde cop. After a few seconds of looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolled her eyes, handed the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and said, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over we could have avoided this whole thing." Eleven People On A Rope Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to hold them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to name that person until the woman held a very touching speech. She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands...... Loan Ok, Ok, Ok, Ok... I know this one is cheesey!! but I laughed.. and it's cute... A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name is Patricia Whack. 'Ms. Whack,' he says, 'I'd like to obtain a loan to buy a boat.' Patti furrows her brow and asks, 'Well, how much do you want to borrow?' '$30,000,' the frog says. The teller writes this down, then asks his name. 'My name is Kermit Jagger. I'm the son of Mick Jagger.' 'Really?' she asks, eyebrow raised. 'Yes,' he says. Then he digs into his pants pocket and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant. 'And I want to use this as collateral.' 'Ummm, okay,' Patti says, accepting the elephant. 'I'll have to ask the owner about this.' 'That's fine,' he says. 'He'll vouch for me.' Patti walks into the bank owner's office and explains the situation. 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 to buy a boat. He wants to use this' - she holds up the tiny pink elephant - 'as collateral. I mean, what the heck is this thing?' The owner says: 'It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.' This is supposedly a true story... Pregnant Lady ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, " well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming", and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident"...I just lost it."
Formerly Known as FKAJ Posted May 21, 2008 Report Posted May 21, 2008 Heh, I doubt that the last one happened, but the third one was great, every line sets up part of the punchline. Much like this one: Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make dolphins live forever! Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and steal one of these birds. Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
Luc Posted May 22, 2008 Report Posted May 22, 2008 ROFLMAO :lol: Sorry, that was excellent... A friend of mine from Ohio in the States e-mailed me this this morning... DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES:! When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
zzazzb Posted May 22, 2008 Report Posted May 22, 2008 OMG! thats so cool XD the person who figured all them out must have had much time on his hands...
Formerly Known as FKAJ Posted May 25, 2008 Report Posted May 25, 2008 This is a hilarious article from Bill Bryson's "Notes From a Big Country" YOUR TAX FORM EXPLAINED Enclosed is your 1997 United States Internal Revenue Service Tax Form 1040-ES OCR: 'Estimated Tax for Self-Employed Individuals'. You may use this form to estimate your 1997 fiscal year tax if: 1. You are head of a household and the sum of the ages of your spouse and dependents, minus the ages of qualifying pets (see Schedule 12G), is divisible by a whole number. (Use Supplementary Schedule 142C if pets are deceased but buried on your property.) 2. Your Gross Adjusted Income does not exceed your Adjusted Gross Income (except where applicable) and you did not pay taxable interest on dividend income prior to 1903. 3. You are not claiming a foreign tax credit, except as a 'foreign' tax credit. (Warning: claiming a foreign tax credit for a foreign 'tax' credit, except where a foreign 'tax credit' is involved, may result in a fine of $125,000 and 25 years' imprisonment.) 4. You are one of the following: married and filing jointly; married and not filing jointly; not married and not filing; jointed but not filing; other. INSTRUCTIONS Type all answers with a number two lead pencil. Do not cross anything out. Do not use abbreviations or ditto marks. Do not misspell 'miscellaneous'. Write your name, address and social security number, and the name, address and social security numbers of your spouse and dependents, in full on each page twice. Do not put a tick in a box marked 'cross' or a cross in a box marked 'tick' unless it is your wish to do the whole thing again. Do not write 'Search me' in any blank spaces. Do not make anything up. Complete sections 47 to 52 first, then proceed to even-numbered sections and complete in reverse order. Do not use this form if your total pensions and annuities disbursements were greater than your advanced earned income credits or vice versa. Under 'income', list all wages, salaries, net foreign source taxable income, royalties, tips, gratuities, taxable interest, capital gains, air miles, pints pain on, and money found down the back of the sofa. If your earnings are divided wholly, or partially but not primarily, or wholly and partially but not primarily, from other countries other than the United States (if uncertain, see USIA Leaflet 212W, 'Countries That Are Not The United States') or your rotated gross income from Schedule H was greater than your earned income credit on nontaxable net disbursements, you must include a Granter/Transferrer Waiver Voucher. Failure to do so may result in a fine of £1,500,000 and seizure of a child. Under Section 890F, list total farm income (if none, give details). If you were born after 1 January 1897, and are not a widow(er), include excess casualty losses and provide carryover figures for depreciation on line 27iii. You must list number of turkeys slaughtered for export. Subtract, but do not deduct, net gross dividends from pro rata interest payments, multiply by the total number of steps in your home, and enter on line 356d. On SCedule F1001, line c, list the contents of your garage. Include all electrical and non-electrical items on Schedule 295D, but do not include electrical or non-electrical items not listed on Supplementary Form 243d. Under 'Personal Expenditures', itemize all cash expenditures of more than $1, and include verification. If you have had dental work and you are not claiming a refund on the federal oil spill allowance, enter your show sizes since birth and enclose specimen shoes. (Right foot only.) Multiply by 1.5 or 1,319, whichever is larger, and divide line 3f by 3d. Under Section 912g, enter federal income support grants for the production of alfalfa, barley (but not sorghum, unless for home consumption) and okra whether or not you received any. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $3,750,000 and death by lethal injection. If your children are dependent but not living at home, or living at home but not dependent, or dependent and living at home but hardly ever there and you are not claiming exemption for leases of maritime vessels in excess of 12,000 tonnes dead-weight (15,000 tonnes if you were born in Guam), you must complete and include a Maritime Vessel Exemption Form. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $111,000,000 and a buclear attack on a small, neutral country. On pages 924-926, Schedule D, enter the names of people you know personally who are Communist or use drugs. (Use extra pages if necessary.) If you have interest earnings from savings accounts, securities, bearer bonds, certificates of deposit or other fiduciary instruments but do not know your hat size, complete Supplementary Schedules 112d and 112f and enclose all relevant tables. (Do not send chairs at this time.) Include, but do not collate, ongoing losses from mining investments commodities transactions and organ transplants, divide by the total number of motel visits you made in 1996, and enter in any remaining spaces. If you have un-reimbursed employee expenses, tough. To compute your estimated tax, add lines 27 through 964, deduct lines 45a and 699f from Schedule 2F (if greater or less than 2.2% of average alternative minimum estimated tax for the last five years), multiply by the number of RPMs your car registers when stuck on ice, and add 2. If line 997 is smaller than line 998, start again. In the space marked 'Tax Due', write a very large figure. Make your cheque payable to 'Internal Revenue Service of the United States of America and to the Republic for Which It Stands', and mark for the attention of Patty. On the back of your cheque write your social security number, Taxpayer Identification Number, IRS Tax Code Audit Number(s), IRS Regional Office Sub-Unit Zone Number (unless you are filing a T/45 Sub-Unit Zone Exclusion Notice), sexual orientation and smoking preference, and send to: Internal Revenue Service of the United States of America Tax Reception and Orientation Center Building D/Annexe G78 Suite 900 Subduction Zone 12 Box 132677-02 Drawer 2, About Halfway Back Federal City Maryland 10001 If you have any questions about filing, or require assistance with your return, phone 1-800-BUSYSIGNAL. Thank you and have a prosperous 1998. Failure to do so may result in a fine of $125,000 and a long walk to the cooler.
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