The LOL thread

[rising-flame]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'

from funny.com it made me laugh

[~Dom~]

^^ Ha ha thats good!

Here's two small jokes but they are so funny!

I was standing in the queue for the cash machine and in front of me was an old lady. When she reached the machine she turned round to me and said "I was wondering if you could help me check my balance." So I pushed her over

A wife is standing infront of the mirror.

WIFE: *sighs* I'm fat and ugly. Please give me a compliment?

HUSBAND: Well, your eyesight's good.

[Eli]

A wife is standing infront of the mirror.

WIFE: *sighs* I'm fat and ugly. Please give me a compliment?

HUSBAND: Well, your eyesight's good.

LOL! I'm guessing that guy should just go buy some fishing equipment as well

Anyway, here's another one of my favourite jokes:

A woman named Laura was a stay at home mom. Her husband had always been working, while she took care of their daughters, but now that both the daughters went to school and were busy with friends and boyfriends after school, Laura was lonely while her husband was working.

One day she decided to go down to the pet shop and buy a pet to keep her company. After looking at cats, dogs, guinea pigs and rabbits, Laura realised she couldn't afford any of the pets at the store.

On her way out of the store she saw a parrot in a cage, and on the cage there was a sign saying "Talking parrot - $5"

Laura thought this was an amazingly good price if the parrot really could talk, so she decided to ask the manager about it.

The manager explained that the parrot really could talk, and the reason it only cost $5 was that it had belonged to a brothel house and picked up a lot of the things he could say from there.

Laura didn't think this was so bad as her daughters were old enough to handle that until they had trained the parrot not to talk like he did when he lived at the brothel, so she paid the five dollars and brought the parrot home.

At home, Laura left the parrot cage in the living room and went to the kitchen to get the parrot something to eat. When she walked back through the door to the living room the parrot greeted her:

"Hello there, madame!"

Laura didn't think this was so bad, and figured with some training the parrot would stop calling her madame.

Later, Laura's daughters, Jennifer and Tina came home from school, and as soon as they walked in to the living room the parrot greeted them:

"Hello there, escort girls!"

Laura and the girls didn't think this was so bad either, and figured with some training the parrot would learn their names.

Then, right before dinner, Laura's husband, Carl came home from work. And as soon as he walked in to the living room, the parrot greeted him:

"Hello there, Carl!"

[Eli]

I'm in need for some really good oneliners, short quotes or slogans... So far the best I've got is

"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"

"Everybody needs something to believe in. I believe I'll have another beer."

"No sense being pessimistic. - It wouldn't work anyway."

and

"Always remember you are unique. Just like everybody else."

Anyone got anything better?

[rising-flame]

support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have

[maccaz]

Here are two jokes I remember reading.

America is well renowned for its' ease and relative freedom of divorce. With this in mind, Donald Duck went to the lawyers to get a divorce from his wife, Daisy Duck. However, it proved to be harder than he had anticipated.

"You want to divorce your wife on grounds of insanity?" The lawyer asked. "That's going to be pretty difficult to prove."

"I didn't say she was insane," Donald began, "I said she was f**king Goofy!"

And this one

Things we can learn from movies!!!!!!

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it's aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it's the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboardâ¦

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they're involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

[bay girl]

Why parents drink.........

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he

dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper "Hello? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No"

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that

noise?"

"A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter "

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME"

****************************************************************************

A man thought that his wife is cheating on him. Since he didn't have a lot of money to hire an expensive private investigator, he decided to go with a much cheaper one -- a Chinese man named Mr. Lee. The following day he received the following report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house. I watch house. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee

[Barbara]

^ Love those and the Things we can learn from movies joke.

[KaitieL]

Love those Amber. And the movies one.

[Formerly Known as FKAJ]

46 Things that never happen in Star Trek:

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.

3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.

5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.

6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise’s computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

8. A power surge on the Bridge is fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a ‘fuse’.

9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.

12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, stange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.

13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.

15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn’t explode or crash.

16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone’s satisfaction.

17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.

18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day

19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."

20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.

21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn’t bother to say "Come."

22. Picard doesn’t answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!

23. Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."

24. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi’s position.

26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetty?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He’s MINE!"

27. When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."

28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise’s hails.

29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn’t done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).

30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.

31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).

32. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

33. Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.

34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.

35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.

36. Data falls in love with the replicator.

37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn’t tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.

39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.

40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

41. Kirk’s hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.

42. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn’t rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN’T get into a fistfight...)

43. Kirk doesn’t end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn’t sacrifice herself for him.

44. Scotty doesn’t mention the laws of physics

45. Spock isn’t the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.

46. The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock’s inability to understand the joke, and he doesn’t raise his eybrow.

Not 100% accurate on most of them, but it makes a valid point.