The LOL thread

[Emma]

Thanks Emma Here is another one I thought was very funny:

Notice at a certain workplace:

• Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in the country since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
  
• Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
  
• Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
  
• A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
  
• Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
  
• Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
  
• Persons staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employees.
  
• Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.
  

Signed by Managment

:lol:

That's another really good one!

[Barbara]

After being on tour for two years in the USA, David by Michelangelo comes back to Florence.

EDIT: I've deleted the picture because somehow tinypic replaced my picture with one of some girl! I'll have to see if I still have the right picture somewhere but it was basically the picture of a fat David.

He'd like to thank his sponsors...

[Formerly Known as FKAJ]

Two hikers die while mountain climbing. As their souls ascend to heaven, they see a pair of eagles and exclaim, "Ah, eagles!" The eagles, to be polite, say nothing.

[emmasi]

Does international humiliation count as animal cruelty?

[grumble bum]

Thanks Emma Here is another one I thought was very funny:

Notice at a certain workplace:

• Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in the country since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
  
• Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
  
• Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
  
• A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
  
• Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
  
• Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
  
• Persons staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employees.
  
• Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.
  

Signed by Managment

:lol:

That's another really good one!

Loved that one. Brought a smile to my face.

[-Kevin-]

Thanks Emma Here is another one I thought was very funny:

Notice at a certain workplace:

• Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy in the country since last Christmas, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
  
• Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
  
• Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
  
• A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
  
• Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
  
• Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
  
• Persons staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of **** it gives employees.
  
• Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.
  

Signed by Managment

:lol:

That's another really good one!

Loved that one. Brought a smile to my face.

me too !!

Hilarios .

I loved the "A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate" part

[Eli]

Some funny jokes I just read. Or maybe my humour just sucks, I don't know, but I laughed

Why did the Siamese twins move from America to England? - So the other one could drive.

Each year, the Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Q. What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?

A. Hose A and Hose B

Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?

They were riverdancing.

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, ''I'm screwed.''

There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: ''No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief.''

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: ''Okay.......NOW you're screwed!'

How do you spell Canada?

*C-EH N-EH D-EH

Three explorers were hiking through a vast forest that would eventually become Canada.

"You know," said the first explorer, "we should name this vast forest we're hiking through."

"I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."

"Good idea," said the third explorer. "You go first."

"Okay," said the first explorer. "C, ay."

"My turn," said the second explorer. "N, ay."

Unfortunately, before the third explorer could choose a letter, a bear jumped out of the trees and killed and ate all three explorers. Eventually, some guy came along and named the country after his aunt.

[Cal]

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Q. What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?

A. Hose A and Hose B

Did you hear about the 25 Irish people that drowned?

They were riverdancing.

How do you spell Canada?

*C-EH N-EH D-EH

Three explorers were hiking through a vast forest that would eventually become Canada.

"You know," said the first explorer, "we should name this vast forest we're hiking through."

"I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."

"Good idea," said the third explorer. "You go first."

"Okay," said the first explorer. "C, ay."

"My turn," said the second explorer. "N, ay."

Unfortunately, before the third explorer could choose a letter, a bear jumped out of the trees and killed and ate all three explorers. Eventually, some guy came along and named the country after his aunt.

These are awesome!

[Formerly Known as FKAJ]

Q: How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A:

[Barbara]

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse darling".

Little Tony said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse, its called bunk beds and Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you!"