The LOL thread

[Cerise]

LOL

[Lesley Bee]

This Warning has been issued by West Yorkshire Police:

Clubbers in the North of England have recently taken to injecting ecstasy directly into their mouths using dental syringes.

This practice is extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.

If you are approached by a Northerner offering you 'E by gum' immediately report them to the police.

That made me chuckle

[Luc]

A friend of mine e-mailed this joke to me and i couldn't stop laughing.

A professor gives his physiology class a spot quiz. One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy expands to ten times its normal size during periods of intense emotion and excitement?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: "Professor, I'd rather not answer that question." The professor says, "That's all right, Miss Callahan, you don't need to answer it. Is there anyone present who can answer it?" He notes an interested face in the back of the classroom. "Mr. Hawkins!" Hawkins says, "Yes, Professor, it is the pupil of the eye that expands to ten times its normal size during periods of emotion and excitement." The professor says, "That is correct, Mr. Hawkins." Then he turns to Miss Callahan. He says, "Young lady, two things are obvious from your reaction to this question. One, you haven't studied this week's assignment; and Two, I'm afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment to you."

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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

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This one is quite dirty

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

[Formerly Known as FKAJ]

There are only 10 types of people in the world —

those who understand binary, and those who don't.

[**amanda**]

I got sent this and thought it was funny...

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not

allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he

would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling

and made funny noises. My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss

would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later

the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him

I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and

recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the

office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her,

" And where do you think you're going?"

You're gonna love this..... )

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[~Lynd~]

This one is quite dirty

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

Lol!That one gave me a good laugh!

[Luc]

Watching so many british sitcoms, I picked up so many dirty but subtle jokes. Here's one I found on the internet.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[Cerise]

ROFLMFAO!

[Eli]

Haha, that joke is hilarious!

There are only 10 types of people in the world —

those who understand binary, and those who don't.

I feel like a complete geek for thinking that's the funniest thing I've read in a LONG time! LOL!

[Formerly Known as FKAJ]

^^ Then you'll probably love this page.

I loved how the stamp collector was left to our imagination.

This was one of my favourite scenes on the Vicar of Dibley:

Alice: You know that stuff they're selling now at the local shop?

Geraldine:Which stuff?

Alice: I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

Geraldine:Oh yes

Alice: Well, I can't believe it's not butter.

Geraldine: Yeah, well I believe that is the idea, yeah.

Alice:Then yesterday, I went to Crookenden and I bought this other stuff, like a sort of home-brand, you know?

Geraldine: Yes...

Alice: And you know, I can't believe it's not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

Geraldine: Mmm. I'm losing you now.

Alice: Well, you know I Can't Believe It's Not Butter?

Geraldine: Yeah, you think it is butter.

Alice: No no, I mean you know the stuff that I can't believe is not butter is called I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

Geraldine: Probably, yeah, yeah<

Alice: Well I can't believe the stuff that is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and I can't believe that both I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and the stuff that I can't believe is not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter are both, in fact, not butter. And I believe they both might be butter, in a cunning disguise. And in fact there's a lot more butter around than we all thought there was.

Geraldine: Yeah. You see, I don't know what you're talking about.

Interestingly, no one was denying that the stuff she couldn't believe was not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter was butter.