Home is WHere The Heart Is

[Homeandaway_fan1]

I have made some big changes and written this fan fic in a different way then I did before, please comment on it and tell me if I should do some more changes, this is my first Home and Away fanfic and I am not so good at writting them.

Can a Moderator changes the title of this to "Home is were the heart is".

"Home is were the heart is"

Type of story: undecided

Rating:

Main Characters: Multiple Characters

Genre: A mixture

Warnings: There may be some violence in the story

Is Story being proof read: Yes/No

Summary:

This story takes place in May 2007 and will mostly focus on the teens, the younger generation, the new girl Jess and the return of some old characters, but the other characters will off course appear.

Also in this story, Beth is has not died yet.

The New girl

The new girl Jessica or Jess as she prefers, are sitting in her rental car on her way to the diner that the guys on the car rental shop told her about, finally she found the diner after taking the wrong exit at first, and learning how to drive on the other side of the road then how they drive in America. The car pulled into parking lot outside the diner. Jess open the door to the car stepped outside and nervously walked into the diner.

At Beach Side diner

"Omg, I am so sorry" Jess said to Ric feeling really ashamed

"It is fine, don't worry about it" Ric said as he bends down to pick up the papers to Jess

" Leave them, I do that" Jess said not wanting this stranger looking at her important papers

" Okey, I am sorry, I will let you do it" Ric said

"It is just that they are really important papers that I can't show to just anyone" Jess says

" It is fine, do you want to join us over there?" Ric asked

" Yes that would be nice, thank you, I just arrived to the bay so I don't really know anyone here" Jess said to Ric

"hey, this is? " Ric Said to Mattie, Cassie and Lucas

"Jessica, just call me Jess" Jess said

"Hey, Jess" They all said

"This is Mattie, Cassie and Lucas, and I` m Ric" Ric told Jess

"Nice to meet you all" Jess said

" Jess just arrived to the bay" Ric said

" What do you think of the Bay so far?" Cassie asks

" It seems to be a great place, with nice people, it is different from America" Jess told them

"Were from America do you come?" Mattie asks

" I come from New York actually" Jess replies

" I have a brother that lives in America" Mattie told Jess

" What is his name?" Jess asked

"Robbie Hunter" Mattie replied

"Hunter? Your Matilda Hunter? Then you must be Scott Hunters younger sister" Jess said in a chock

" Yes I am, how do you know my brother?" Mattie asked curiously

" I lived in Cannes for 6 months for a work, before I came here, and then I met your brother , your sister in law Hayley, and your nephew Noah when I was going on a boat trip with my work, I became good friend with Hayley while I lived there, your mom was there to so I have met her to, you have a really nice family, they talked about you, Robbie and Kit allot, It really is a small world" Jess says

"Yes it is, how were they?" Mattie asked Jess as she wished that the rest of her family were here also

" They are fine, they miss you, your brother and your sister allot they miss they bay and the people here" Jess replied

"I miss them to, my sister Kit is the only one of my siblings living here right now" Mattie told Jess

" How do you feel not having them around?" Jess asked Mattie

" I do miss them, but I have sort of getting used to not having them around, what about you do you have any siblings?" Mattie asked Jess

"Yes, I have a half brother actually, I never met him, all I know is that he lives in the bay somewhere, that is why I am here to find him and my grandfather" Jess answered

"Hope you don't mind me asking, but how come you have never met him?" Cassie wondered

"He lives here in Australia and I lived in America almost all my life, besides I never knew my father, my brother is 3 years younger than me also, and I lived in America at that time, and I don't think mom knew I had a brother back then" Jess replied

"What is the name of your grandfather and your brother? Maybe we know them and can help you find them, " Ric said offering some help

"That would be nice off you, their names are Alf Stewart and Eric Dalby" Jess told them

Everyone gasped and got completely chocked at what Jess had just told them

"Did I say something wrong?" Jess asked feeling a little awkward

"No you didn't, It just came as a big chock, are you really sure that you are related to them?" Ric asked Jess still in a chock

"Yes I am 100 procent sure of this, I do have proof otherwise I wouldn't be here, why did you all become so weird when I told you?" Jess asked them still feeling a little awkward

"Because I am Eric Dalby" Ric told Jess still sinking in the news Jess just told them

"You're Eric Dalby, then you are my brother" Jess said feeling embarrassed that she didn't make the connection

To be continued…

[Cerise]

Hi homeandaway_fan1,

In order with the New Rules For The FanFiction Section, Librarians and Moderators would appreciate it if you Filled in the Index Form and edited it at the top of your first post so it will give Readers an Idea of what your Story is about and if it appeals to them, and Librarians could edit the sub-title correctly.

Thanks,

-Kirst-.

Now, about your Fic...

I had a quick scan over it, and have a bit of advice and some tips to help improve your writing - so don't take this the wrong way First, I like the Storyline and bringing in a new Character is always good - and I'd like to see where this goes.

But... I found this difficult to read. It was full of dialog, and always ended with 'Jess says, Alf says, he says, she says.' Let your vocabulary expand!

There are hundreds of words you could use instead of says - examples are

shouted, laughed, giggled, whispered, coughed, croaked, drawled, replied, answered, gasped, told, uttered, mentioned, communicated, expressed, and other. Using these terms instead of 'said' makes the reader picture the scene more realistically - and also how a Character is feeling.

Speaking about feelings, After a synonym of 'said', to make it even more clear how someone is feeling, you can add something like 'Angrily'. Example:

FIRST: "No way!" Jess said.

SECOND: "No Way!" Jess shouted.

THIRD: "No Way" Jess shouted angrily.

And if you really want to expand, describe:

FORTH: "NO WAY!" Jess shouted angrily, fuming up inside. How dare he even suggest?

See how much better it looks?

Now, description. Describe the scenes to make it more realistic - The smell in the air (stink or scent?), the weather outside (Storm, Lightening, Thunder, Rain, Sun?), actions, the sounds (gentle or a racket?), surroundings, what the characters look like (tall, small, fat, thin, hair color, eye color, build) and like I mentioned before - feelings.

Example:

FIRST: Lila walked outside. It rained.

Second: Pushing the door open, Lila walked out into the stormy weather, getting soaked instantly. The rain made loud, drumming noises on the hard stone ground, and a bolt of lightening struck. She jumped suddenly, Lila was frightened of Thunder and Lightening. Her blond hair stuck to her head, blue eyes watery, a drop of rain trickling down her forehead. In the heavy gust of wind, it was a surprise she, with her small, skinny build, was not blown over.

Also, I see you say stuff like "At Noah's". Why not expand this?

Example:

First: At Noah's

Second: The next day, it was bright and sunny, unlike the terrible conditions of the previous night. Haley headed off to Noah's where she and her Friends had arranged to meet for some serious GirlTalk. She headed off early, as they knew there would be fewer people, which meant it would be easier to talk. She pushed open the heavy doors.

So use your synonyms and descriptions and you'll improve in no time! Update soon please

[Homeandaway_fan1]

I have done some changes and I tell me what you think and if I should change anything more.

[Homeandaway_fan1]

I have made some mayor changes in this fanfic and tried to write it more as you suggested, I could really use some advise as this is my first Home and Away fan fic, so I am not so good at writting them, so if there is anything else I should changes just let me know. Can a moderator changes the title of this to " Home is were the heart is" instead of "The return and the goodbye", I would really appreciate it. Thanks.