Fan Fic Challenge Entries 2008/09

[I love music]

Well, I was going to read and review when I had the chance (maybe over the weekend) but if your voting closes 29 June you're not giving me (or anyone else who hasn't read any of the fics yet) much time! Can't you extend the voting maybe a week longer?

[emmasi]

^I think that might be a good idea. I don't see myself reading them all by Sunday lol.

[Dean]

I'll put it to the Sunday after. I leave for Queensland on the Tuesday so we will ave to be done before then.

[I love music]

I'll put it to the Sunday after. I leave for Queensland on the Tuesday so we will ave to be done before then.

That's great, Drew. I managed to read the fics in work and I know which one I like best but I haven't had time to write any reviews yet.

[Skykat]

I've started writing them but I'm struggling to get them finished. Works a bit chaotic atm but I'll definitely get them up soon.

[I love music]

I'm going out later so I've only had time to review the first five stories so far (hope I'm posting them in the right place? ) and will review the other three fics either tomorrow or some time this week.

Entry One - Untitled

Wow! Great imagery in those opening paragraphs.

one of those dull aches that didn’t hurt exactly but were just a nuisance and stopped you from concentrating on anything else.

They didn’t stop me, they stopped Father Bernard Lawrence. Don’t detach from your characters and don’t use surplus words. That could be a dull almost painless ache that however stopped him from concentrating.

“Christine my dear, what brings you out at such a late hour?”

...but never before had she come here out of hours and Father Lawrence was suitably intrigued.

So was I!

He headed into the kitchen as he asked the question and set the kettle to boil without waiting for her response. He added a generous measure of brandy, another parishioner gift, to each cup and as the kettle boiled he made up two mugs of tea and headed back into the sitting room.

The fire roared from the side of the room, bathing her in a soft red light but she seemed unmoved, sat still and upright in one of his most comfortable velvet backed chairs. She still wore her coat, the collar pulled up high over her neck and her eyes, largely hidden under the oversized hat were red and looked almost painfully stained with tears. She accepted the cup he offered but made no attempt to drink it, instead busying herself by staring at it, as if mesmerised.

And at this point I was totally immersed in the story.

...he attempted to coax her. He was concerned about her and curious too.

Surplus words! Try: he coaxed, both concerned and curious.

“He said he was concerned about Melody, that she had been assaulted at a party but I asked Mel and she denied it. Later though that awful boy came round, I caught him coming out of her room. He said that what Mr Holden had said was true and Melody came out and she confirmed that it was true. I know my Mel Father and she’s not a liar but I’m afraid I didn’t handle it very well. I told her not to go to the police.”

I like the way Christine speaks. Fits in with everything you’ve told us about the character.

As Father Lawrence watched her features softened, her eyes became almost glazed and he had no doubt she was lost in happy memories.

If you re-read that, you’ll see for yourself it’s not exactly giving us the right picture. Think about the words you use. Her eyes either became glazed (or better still “glazed over”) or they didn’t, as the word means “glassy” there can’t be any “almost” about it.

“This girl had a younger sister, five years younger who looked up to her, who used to sit on the edge of her bed watching as she did her make-up. The younger sister had a bedroom on the ground floor and at night the older sister would climb in through the bedroom window to avoid waking up their parents. Usually they’d sit up for a bit, chatting and the little sister would hear all about the night out.”

Although I haven’t quoted all of it, the part where Christine tells a story from her past is exceptionally good and used to great dramatic effect.

Her voice caught in her throat and he noticed that the mug shook precariously in her hand, the liquid contained in it shifted from one side to the other occasionally escaping over the sides.

Not that Christine seemed to notice, she did not even flinch when a drop of the red hot tea landed on the hand that grasped the mug with white fingers in an iron grip.

Don’t spoil it. “He noticed” is unnecessary. If you tell us the mug shook precariously in her hands then we know Father Lawrence has noticed. “The liquid contained in it” ? We already know it’s tea. “Shifted from side to side”? We already know her hands are shaking. When you read over always ditch words you don’t need. Edit mercilessly when you re-write (and a good author always rewrites) and see what you’re left with: Her voice caught in her throat and the mug shook precariously in her hand, the tea occasionally escaping over its sides. She hardly noticed, remaining unflinched even when some scalding tea splashed on to her hand.

“Then one day she didn’t get up in the morning and her younger sister was sent to wake her. What she found was a note explaining that she couldn’t go on anymore

I loved that. It pulled me right back into the story just when the surplus wording seemed determined to pull me out.

I’m not sure about the ending. I felt a bit cheated that it ended where it did and wanted to know more. But making the reader want to know more, that’s the hallmark of a strong story.

Entry Two - Rewriting Mum's Existence

There was some very good word usage in this fic “muting out the noise of the brewing storm” and some good, fast dialogue, which matched the dramatic pace.

"BABY!"

!!! Not a good opening. It she was calling to her husband, it would have been far better to have had her calling him by his name at the beginning of the story. (It’s a bit confusing so I’m not a hundred per cent sure if she was screaming to her child?)

She had cried once more as she reached the top of the stairs, shaking so rigid it was unbearable that she couldn’t hold a glass vase without dropping it.

Be careful of using unnecessary imagery. It’s enough to tell the reader the character was shaking so rigidly that it was unbearable.

where the small boy stood between his parents, completely unaware of what was going on.

That was good. A sad picture of his confusion.

‘‘We have to go.’ She ordered as she broke herself away from his arms. ‘We have to go!’ She had repeated once more as she raced into a darkened bedroom and switched on the lights. ‘Baby, get up. We have to go.’

I liked that. It showed the speed and urgency of what was happening.

That was a pretty dramatic ending! Good title.

Entry Three - Untitled

I can now finally process the pain and devastation you go through when you lose a child.

Is Jack really that cold and unemotional?

People keep saying that her

Or was it just that some of the fic was lost when it was transferred on to BTTB? Because that entry ended very abruptly. (If it was meant to end abruptly, that would have been a good, realistic touch, making it seem as though he was interrupted while writing.) But it DID still need more emotion from Jack.

“.. How do you think Sam will feel?...”

“She will be happy” came a small voice in the corner.

Everyone turned around and saw Rory’s face. “My mum knew Jack loved her and Martha in different ways and on her death bed she told me to accept them as they are my future and my mum is everything to me”

That was nice.

Martha is my wife now. It is so surreal, it has whizzed by so damn fast and it scared me but I know we are strong enough now for it to work and it will work, Martha is nearly 9 months pregnant and one of these days I am going to be a father. I am not sure what gender it is but I am happy either way, a mini me or Martha will be perfect or twins but that wont happen.

That was a nice ending .

Entry Four - Untitled

This couldn’t be happening. There was just no way. He would have known. He couldn’t have been kept in the dark about something this important. She wouldn’t have done that to him.

I really liked this entry. The intriguing beginning captured my attention immediately

The sun had set hours ago, and the breeze whipping his hair out of his face was bitter cold, but the man, who had been sitting alone on the riverbank for four hours, didn’t even notice. The pale moonlight caught in his blonde hair and illuminated his pale complexion, giving him the appearance of a ghost. His knees were hunched towards his chest and his arms were folded on top of them, reminiscent of a child trying to block out a painful experience.

There’s a little too much description in this paragraph. Try simplifying eg:

The sun had set hours ago and a bitterly cold wind whipped his hair across his face. The man who had sat alone by the riverbank for hours hardly noticed. The pale moonlight gave him a ghostly appearance as he sat like a troubled child with his knees hunched to his chest and his arms folded around them.

His eyes had the glazed appearance of someone who is only feigning interest in something, and yet he wasn’t even pretending to be engrossed in whatever was out there. He was just sitting thinking.

Again, don’t go overboard on the description. “Lost in his thoughts” would have done fine.

You’re a father, Peter.

I like the way we kept going back to Peter’s thoughts.

Trailing somewhat despondently behind her was a boy Peter could only assume to be Andrew. His eyes were almond shaped, and his hair was unruly like Peter’s, but the similarities ended there. He had Christy’s dark hair and strong jaw, and Peter was only guessing, but he could imagine he saw a hint of her smile in the boy too.

That’s superb! That’s description down to a fine art, no unnecessary extra words and not just getting the picture across to the reader but picking up on Peter’s feelings too.

“You ever shot anyone?” It appeared that Andrew ‘call-me-Drew-or-die’ Curtis was not one for small talk. but so far, all Drew had opened his mouth for was to enquire precisely what rank Peter had reached in the police force, and now his latest question.

Absolutely fantastic line and attitude from Andrew - oops, I better say Drew!

Drew Curtis left the park that day carrying a promise of a home and support anytime he wanted it, no strings attached, and the assurance that his father cared a great deal, and wanted to make their relationship work. Peter Baker left with nothing more or less than he arrived with: the hope that one day, maybe, Drew would believe him.

Loved the ending. Apart from a little too much description on occasion, that was a very enjoyable read.

Entry Five - Statement

The dialogue was faultless and the story was very, very well written. I did find it hard however to feel as much sympathy with Axel as I would have liked to. I think this was down to the fact the bulk of the story was in script form so while I got a fair and very realistic idea of what both Axel and McGrath had to say for themselves I just didn’t get enough emotional impact - well, at least not until the last part of the story. I think some input from Melody, even if it had only been her own statement to the police, might have got me more involved. You can obviously write and very well.

Just a few blemishes of busted skin, easily patched up and healed in time. Easy to get over…

But it still hurt, and he was still scared, and he still didn’t understand why…

And as you can obviously write and very well you don’t need me to tell you how much more could have been made of those two quotes when applied to both Melody and Axel.

[I love music]

Entry Six - In Heat

That was amazingly written but it failed to grip my interest. The problem was, it lacked drama. I think it could have been improved with a major shock - maybe a stray spark from the fire could have been caught by an unexpected wind and begun to burn down the school? Maybe in the midst of all the end-of-term fooling around there could have been a totally unexpected suicide? Just a couple of ideas. I’m not sure if this was very subtle slash? I got that impression because of the title and because of the close relationship your two main characters seemed to have (sorry if I’m way off beam with my interpretation). If it was slash though, you’ve missed a great opportunity. I could envisage a lot of emotion being packed in at the end with Jules and Drew looking across at each other through the smoke and realising the enormity of what has just happened – in more ways than one...

Entry Seven - Suitcase Of Memories

Sometimes your writing sounded a bit like you were passing time chatting to a friend on the phone about what happened the other day:

After dinner Lucas ordered Tony to rush them to the Video store so they can hire his favourite movie for Henry to see but they didn't have a DVD player in their Hotel room. So the two boys went back to Henry's instead.

And sometimes it didn’t:

Ric and Henry remained in the lift. Henry didn't know what to do, it was just as the lift doors began to close he made the decision. He left Ric with the bags and walked over to them. He gave Rhys a friendly handshake and Max gave him a manly seventeen year-old's hug.

The “sometimes it didn’t” quote is the better writing of the two. There’s a world of difference between how we speak and how a story is told. If your character is talking, then it’s fine to just write exactly how you or I would say it but when you’re describing an event to your reader then you have to think much more about it and tell the reader exactly what's happening. For instance (unless you ARE chatting to your friend on the phone, telling him/her what happened the other day ) the first quote would read something like:

After dinner, Lucas asked Tony if he’d rush them to the video store to hire a DVD. There was a great movie - his favourite - that he was dying to watch with Henry. They discovered too late the hotel room didn’t have a DVD player. Lucas shrugged and suggested they went back to Henry’s to watch it instead.

Nice attempt and good title.

Entry Eight - A Truth Universally Acknowledged

I’m damned if I know why so many songs had to be quoted in this entry! You can write words with strong emotional impact like He looked at that old battered card; the one that had secretly been kept in the box, her box, for all those years but for some strange reason constantly interrupted the flow of the story.

He watched as the coffin was paraded before him.

Like a taunt.

That is a great little piece of writing and spacing out the comments is a clever touch.

The ending was quite moving and I liked the idea of his wife still living on through her husband and son. But while it’s fine to occasionally quote a few lines from a song (and in this instance it was okay to quote the whole of the song at the end) don’t overdo it. When I finally worked my past the fog of name-dropping song titles I found it to be a good story.

********************************************************************************

Okay, I’ve reviewed all eight stories now and have chosen my favourite. (Entry Four was my runner-up.)The winner for me was a story that had an intriguing beginning, very strong characterization and held my interest throughout. But, most of all, it made me want to read more. My choice of winner is:

Entry One

ps Isn’t anybody else going to review then?

[emmasi]

Entry One - Untitled

I like the first paragraph because I could really relate to that headache, and you described it so accurately. Same with the image of someone trying to write something but not knowing what to say - I think any writer could relate to that. I think that personal relation made me interested in an unknown character, so you used that device to great effect.

I liked the atmosphere. The fire and the brandy, setting it at night. It was old and dark - secretive yet comforting at the same time. I can’t really explain it, but I liked it.

I wasn’t too keen on the dialogue though. While I did enjoy reading it, it didn’t exactly feel realistic to a Home and Away, and it didn’t always flow as well as it could have. Christine in particular confused me. When she said “It happened to me,” I thought that she meant she’d been assaulted. Then she started telling a story about two girls, which I guess was a way of distancing herself from bad memories, but it was bit odd to read the sudden change of perspective. However, I thought it was a good twist to have her sister be the one who was assaulted, and even though I saw the suicide coming after that, I still felt rather shocked when she said, “She killed herself that day, threw herself off a high cliff and all because I told her to go to the Police.” I suppose I didn’t expect her to take on the responsibility of her sister’s death when suicide is considered a sin - I thought she’d be more likely to be ashamed of her sister rather than herself. It was an intriguing insight into a possible aspect of Christine’s character which I hadn’t considered before.

Entry Two - Rewriting Mum’s Existence

Hehehe… that was a pretty random ending, but… I liked it .

The whole fic seemed a bit random to be honest, but I get the impression that it was sort of meant to be like that - I imagine that having drug dealers killing your father and son wouldn’t put a person in the most sane and rational frame of mind. It certainly was an interesting take on the Holden family history, of which we still know nothing - or very little - after three years. They are a fun family to play with for that reason, and it was nice that Tony had a starring role here. He doesn’t usually get that. Maybe if we found out he was hiding out from drug dealers, people would take more notice of him! Worked for Sam…

And once again, I can’t argue with Katie wandering into Rachel’s bedroom with a butcher’s knife… I think there’s some sort of catharsis going on here.

Entry Three - Untitled

I think you had the right idea with the emotions behind this, and the half diary entry/half story telling format was a good idea too but I’m not sure that it was executed very effectively. It took me a few goes to get my head around it. I don’t think you should have opened as if you were speaking in Jack’s voice and then switched to the third person - like someone else was telling the story. I think it would have been better written in first person, so that Jack was telling the story himself the whole time, with the diary entries separated more clearly from the rest of it. You could try putting the entries in bold or italics, or maybe even in another font next time.

Entry Four - Untitled

That was… sad. That’s probably the most critical thing I could say about it, lol. Which is not at all constructive, so… I guess I’ll just highlight the things that made this such a… hm. I want to say “joy” to read, but that’s not really the word for it. It was good…?

First of all, the thing that stands out most for me is the lack of quotation marks. That was brilliant. It created such a sense of distance and apathy, like these were just memories of conversations that Peter could do nothing to change now - passive rather than active, which is exactly how Peter was forced to be by Jazz and Drew and the whole situation. I never knew that bucking punctuation could work so well.

Peter meeting Drew for the first time, I’m not sure I ever really thought about it before now, but now that I’ve seen it written down like that I’m sure I’ll incorporate it into my official version of events, right down to Christy choosing to change her name to the “ridiculous” Jazz, as opposed to the writers being lazy and changing it for her on a whim. It just seems like such a Jazz thing to do lol. I also loved picturing a surly little twelve year old Drew/Mini-Peter-Jazz. So cute!

The continuity of events, and of Peter’s relationship to Dan and their parents, even making use of Peter being a cop by him being able to read Jazz, and Drew using it as an excuse to not talk about anything real or important - all excellent. I’m totally on board with everything about this fic, so I don’t know what else to say! I would ask for a sequel but I think it’s perfect as is. Although I guess a follow up fic based around them meeting again after Peter “died” could work… Maybe from Drew’s point of view… Maybe a third one from Jazz when she comes back into Drew’s life… *hint, nudge, poke, prod…*

Entry Five - Statement

Well, that certainly was a statement! This fic has obviously been based around a controversial issue - one that’s very near and dear to my own heart - which has been discussed ad nauseam on the other forums… How nice then to get to discuss it some MORE in this forum

I’m a big supporter of Axel - at least of his right to tell his side of the story, so I’m glad that this fic has attempted to do that. I hadn’t actually thought about the attack on Axel being a motive for him to turn himself in - it’s an interesting theory. I do prefer to think that he did it out of the kindness of his own heart though, even if the idea is cause for mockery.

Moving away from the subject matter (tempting as it is to prattle on about it some more), I think the actual statement itself was rather clumsy - it didn’t exactly flow that well, and it was probably longer and more repetitive than it needed to be. I guess we were meant to believe that it was a hand-written statement, delivered by Axel on the spot, so how well edited could it really be? It was kind of a drag to read though, so maybe you could have cut it back. Especially since Axel and McGrath ended up discussing a lot of the same things all over again. I think it was realistic, but maybe a bit *too* realistic, if you know what I mean.

I liked the ending. It was a bit overdramatic and kind of girly, having Axel so concerned about his feelings, but it’s nice to think that he might actual have feelings, which is more than some people would credit him with. I do feel a bit gypped that you avoided the Axel/Aden confrontation - either the original one, or the one that could have happened at the end there, but I guess that’s what sequels, prequels, and totally different fics are for. I like that it left it open for that.

Entry Six - In Heat

Darn misleading titles. I was wondering how this was going to stay under an R rating with a name like that . When I saw it was about Jules and Drew, I was kind of hoping that it would involve Jazz, and Jules sleeping with her. Since it’s from Drew’s perspective, I don’t know if that would have worked too well though.

Aaaanyway. Setting fires. Title makes sense now! The “snitch” concerns me - I thought it was Dean who ratted them out? I don’t remember it too well myself, so I guess you could be forgiven if that’s the case. But I was kind of disappointed that Dean didn’t get a mention since I know he went to that school, but I guess the fic’s not about him. And I don’t remember his last name, so perhaps he is this “Stephens” of which you speak…

I’m not sure how well this stands up as a oneshot to be honest. It’s well written, but it’s kind of slow to get going, which isn’t really a good thing when you’re working to a word limit. I feel like you set up a lot of stuff that wasn’t necessary to the story you were telling - I think you’d have been better off focusing on what school life was like for Jules and Drew, and why burning the year away was so important to them, rather than focusing on the fact that they’d been abandoned by their families for the summer. I think that sort of insight would be better suited to a longer fic that actually dealt with that part of their lives, which is another reason I was expecting (hoping for) an appearance from Jazz. That said, I did like the ending. It was blunt and self-explanatory, and we sort of found out from the show how that ended up so there wasn’t any need to go into it all here. I liked it ending on a sarcastic, dejected note from Drew. Pretty much sums him up.

Entry Seven - Suitcase Of Memories

I didn’t really get into that. I think maybe the word limit made you rush some things, or maybe you just didn’t think they were that important, but it sort of left me feeling a bit cold, like I wasn’t so much reading a fic as someone else’s account of a fic. Like I was being told the story of what happened, but not actually reading it for myself. I’m not sure if that makes sense… Hopefully you understand what I mean.

The punctuation and editing was a bit off, but you get that when certain proof readers forget that they were supposed to proof read… I will say though that the exclamation points were unnecessary and confusing. They made it sound like people were yelling things they shouldn’t have been yelling. It was kind of grating.

While it was nice to hear about Henry and what he might be doing with his life, I’m not sure I believed it. I mean, if he was good enough to land a role in The Lion King at the Opera House, you’d think he’d be on top of it, and that we would have heard about it. I think you might have been better off going for something more low key to make it more believable. Similarly, I don’t think I buy that Henry would love To Kill a Mocking Bird. I don’t think I buy that Henry would like reading at all… Perhaps Lucas could have forced him to watch the movie instead, and Henry could have made the effort to get into it because he liked Lucas.

Lucas and Henry kissing was a bit rushed and out of the blue. I feel like Mattie should have had a stronger reaction than a couple of angry text messages.

I don’t really get why you didn’t have Henry speaking to Lucas or Matilda at the end. Where did Max and Rhys come from? I didn’t understand their relevance to the story, or why you chose to focus on them. Like I said before, I didn’t really feel like I was drawn into this fic. I don’t think it scratched the surface.

Entry Eight - A Truth Universally Acknowledged

That was a lovely fic. Can’t fault the writing. I think there was a bit too much creative license for me though. I actually didn’t notice Luc’s absence - I thought it was nice that Tony was bonding with Jack one on one, which I’m used to now, so that didn’t bother me. It was Kate’s cause of death that troubled me. While the official one is stupid and makes no sense… it is the official one, and cancer is a bit of a cliché these days. So I feel like if you were going to change the history, then maybe you could have gone with something different. That said, it was still a moving moment when Tony called out to her and she didn’t answer. I don’t think you needed to explain that she’d died, I think it would have been more powerful to just go from “he heard no answer” to “What happened next was a blur.”

The formatting of the “blur” was cool, it created a sense of broken reality. It was sort of confronting, having to work that little bit harder to make sense of it. I think that reflected Tony’s struggle to comprehend the situation well.

I’m not sure about the song lyrics. The final song was fine, but the other snippets didn’t exactly sit right. I guess I’m just used to song fics using one song, where as this one used bits and pieces from a few different ones. I can’t necessarily say that’s a bad thing, but it was distracting for me.

So after all that rambling… my vote goes to… … … Entry Four. It had everything I was looking for. Characters that interest me, a believable history that slotted in seamlessly with what we already know, and it was very well written. It kept me glued to the story and had me investing in the emotions of the characters, reflecting on how these events could have shaped them into the people I know and love. Kudos and thank you for writing it

[Skykat]

Sorry about taking so long. My reviews:

Entry One

My first and biggest criticism is that this story needs a title. A title can be so effective in setting the tone and not having one didn’t do you any favours in my opinion.

I thought the description in the first paragraph was really well done, who hasn’t had one of those headaches and I thought that you described the original character really well.

I liked the description setting the scene in the house and building the tension and intrigue. I thought it was a good move to see such a formidable character through the eyes of somebody who clearly likes her as opposed to always seeing her as someone to hate.

I thought where this was let down was in the dialogue, it was almost like when you started on her telling the story you abandoned the emotional aspects, what she was doing, how she sounded.

I’m thinking you wanted to have it as a shock that it was her sister and keep intrigue as to who exactly she was talking about hence the third person narrative and in a sense it did help to distance her from the story but it was a bit confusing how she jumped from “it happened to me” to talking about somebody else. I think maybe the transition could have been done a little better.

I thought the shock reveal that it was her sister, that she killed herself and that Christine felt to blame was good but I think I might have liked to have seen more of her justifying her guilt, trying to justify herself to a priest that she clearly respects. Somehow I just can’t imagine the formidable Christine Jones allowing herself to feel guilt but I guess it’d explain a lot and it’s a new insight into the character.

I thought the ending was quite chillingly done though a little bit sudden.

Entry Two

I thought the title to this was an intriguing one and the story moved at a fast pace from the opening line. I’m guessing the author of this writes a lot of drama led, dialogue based stuff as they certainly seemed to be in their element in the dramatic genre.

The dialogue was believable and fast flowing, I loved the sense of snapping from one to the other. The tension built well and there was a real sense of relationship between the couple. There was some good description.

Tony took three steps at a time as he leaped into the living room, as his jaw dropped to the ground horrified by the site of his sons. His eight year old stood in the corner screaming, as their six year old laid on the cold floor boards – dead

That was a shock, I didn’t see them killing his son and really dramatically done too.

When Katie had entered the room, she had let out the most bone chilling scream any mother could let out by the sight of seeing their child bleeding to death. Her screams hadn’t stopped as she picked him up, resting him in her arms as she cradled him like a newborn. Tony stood a few paces behind her, frozen, as tears began to roll down his face

That was emotive, really well captured.

I struggled a bit with the idea of Tony as a drug dealer, it just seemed so out of character, I’d have maybe liked a bit of insight as to how on earth he got himself tangled up with it, was he blackmailed? Did he do it to help her? A bit of past history might have helped.

I found it hard to comprehend that a mother so devastated at losing one son would be able to abandon contact with her other sons so easily and that Tony would let her. I get that they were desperate and they were hurried by the police coming but I don’t know I’d have liked to see more to it than just a knee jerk reaction. This story needs to be part of something far longer, would I be right in thinking you’re a long fic writer rather than a one shotter? This was just so crammed full of drama I felt like it should have been a million times longer.

I thought there was a few grammatical errors and some mixed tenses, was this a bit rushed by any chance? There was just a few things that probably would have been picked up with a thorough proof read, for example:

‘They’ve kill Dad’

‘She had cried once more as she reached the top of the stairs, shaking so rigid it was unbearable that she couldn’t hold a glass vase without dropping it.’

That line for example, it was unclear exactly what was shaking and needed more to make the sentence structure work, as if words were missing, if that makes sense?

Also with dialogue, I love music once gave me a good tip about how to present it. Instead of putting she said, he yelled, she cried etc instead put a full stop and describe her actions so ‘It’s Daddy… They’ve killed him.’ She shrieked could become ‘It’s Daddy… They’ve killed him.’ The shrill shriek of her voice was muffled as she threw herself into his shoulder.. Okay that’s a bad example but the idea is to build more description into it rather than telling us that she spoke we’re describing how it came across. I’m sure I love music could phrase it better than me, its not a criticism, just something that might be useful to build on in terms of descriptive writing.

The ending again was a dramatic cliff hanger and demands a sequel. I had a few doubts in terms of continuity in that I can’t see Tony even considering remarrying while there was a chance Katie was still alive but overall this was a good read, exciting and gripping and definitely needs following through somewhere.

Entry Three

Like with entry one, I felt you should have given this a title.

The opening line was intriguing but I wasn’t entirely convinced it was in character. I could see Lucas writing like that but not really Jack, he’s never really shown a poetic side. It’s written in the form of a story but presented in terms of diary entries which is a bit confusing as again I struggle to see Jack writing a story in his diary and if he was just writing his version of events I imagine it to be more in note form, if that makes sense.

‘she was murdered for selfish reasons. She died with my baby as well,’ – I thought Sam killed herself and the baby was miscarried before she died? Was this creative licence, cause that’s fair enough but otherwise it was a bit confusing.

The 7th March entry was good, I got a sense of Jack from his words but ‘To some extent Sam as well’ was a bit confusing I wasn’t quite sure what you meant by it.

‘he couldn’t even rationalise how he felt as it hurts way too much. He did love her but she didn’t receive the love the way he had wanted her to’

I liked the explanation of how he felt, I think the bit I quoted above was a good attempt at putting his feelings into words but I can’t help thinking it would have been better if you’d have stuck with writing from Jack’s point of view. It seemed a bit jumbled to suddenly switch to a third person narrative and it was as if we were being told how Jack felt rather than hearing it from him.

‘He just let the tears flow out of the eyes and across the sea he saw a flicker of something shiny, he focused on it, he knew than that it was the light that was going to being his hope.’

That was nice.

“.. I have been so selfish and I know that you love Martha, maybe more than you love me in a different way... I want you and her to look after Rory but I want it to be you alone who throw my ashes into the sea.”

I found that bit really out of character, Sam was the person who killed herself and framed him to keep him and Martha apart, I can’t see her ever giving him permission to be with Martha.

The dialogue in your present day bit was good but it felt a bit stilted in the way it missed bits out. I’m guessing that Jack and Martha stories are your thing though, the dialogue between them was convincing.

Again I struggled to see Rory ever accepting them but the stuff about him finding out he was a father was really nice.

The later diary entries were good but I’d have liked to see you go more in depth into his feelings. You started it well, I think you understand Jack quite well and you could have really explored his pain a little more.

The ending didn’t really feel like an ending, nothing was resolved, we still didn’t know if the baby was Roman’s.

This was a different interpretation of the task and a good attempt and I thought you did well at capturing Jack’s thoughts and feelings, plus his relationship with Martha. Where this was let down was with the jumbled structure, it might have been better to pick one incident and explore it in depth either from Jack’s point of view in the diary entries or in what he said and did in between his conversation with Martha.

Well done for entering though.

Entry Four

Again no title but a really good beginning to this, I liked how the short sentences and rhetorical questions really summed up the sense of disbelief. I thought it was really well done.

The description in the second paragraph was sensational, really vivid. All of it was fabulous but in particular I loved:

The pale moonlight caught in his blonde hair and illuminated his pale complexion, giving him the appearance of a ghost

I loved that it was entirely from Peter’s point of view, seeing things through his insight, her name change for example.

His anger towards her and the bitterness at not knowing his son, I really felt for him, it was really well captured.

I thought the meeting between them was great, really well done and the ending was so sad but fitting at the same time.

I’m conscious that this is my shortest review yet, not because I can’t think of anything good to say but because I’m wary of picking out every little good thing I liked while struggling to find something to point out for improvement. I really liked this.

Entry Five

Good title. I liked Axel’s statement, it was a bit repetitive at times and unstructured but I got the sense that it was meant to be like that, as if Axel had wrote it.

The dialogue was superb, really flowed well and I definitely got the sense that the writer was trying to make a statement. I did feel sorry for Axel and see things from his point of view.

I agree with I love music that I’d have liked to see more feeling behind the dialogue, more of how Axel felt in regards to McGrath’s questioning but that ending was brilliant. Really sad and emotive, all the stuff on the beach was fantastic, really captured his feelings well and I did feel really sorry for him.

Like with entry four I’m struggling to find things I didn’t like. I still believe that what Axel did was wrong but I accept that he made a genuine mistake and I did feel really sympathy and empathy towards him after reading this, particularly with regards to his feelings towards Aden. I’d love to see that scene played out on screen. But I digress, a good well written entry.

Entry Six

I had some doubts about the title, it fitted well with the fire theme but it did kind of bring to mind some animal porn style scenarios when I first saw it, sorry.

The first thing that hit me about this story was the strength of the fast paced dialogue. You really captured the friendship between the two boys very well. I thought you got the characters and the way they spoke to each other just right. I did feel though that for a one shot it took a bit too much time to get going and a lot of the dialogue wasn’t necessary to the story if that makes sense.

I heaved another sigh, and slowly rolled over onto my stomach. Somehow this didn’t help my situation. I was no closer to being vertical than I was ten minutes ago. I groaned as I pushed my hands underneath my shoulders and levered myself up from the bed. I sat back down, and kicked off my shoes with my feet. One, then the other, they landed side my side about a foot away from me.

I liked that bit, it just seemed so very in character and the bit that followed about his mother created real empathy for him. I loved too how we saw him try to justify them getting into trouble, it was really in character.

I thought it was a really good ending too, some great imagery with the sharks and Drew being caught as everyone else bailed.

I thought this was really well written and an enjoyable read but somehow it lacked something I can’t quite put my finger on. Maybe it took too long to build up to the drama or maybe it needed a bit more too the drama. Not much help I know but I just felt something was missing. It was a really well written entry though.

Entry Seven

I liked the title of this but my first thought on reading it was that everything happened so fast. Did you struggle to get under the word limit because it just felt a bit rushed at times. The dialogue was good but it needed a bit more focus on the emotions behind the words for me to really feel any of Henry’s pain.

That said I liked the idea of seeing a bit of Henry’s life after the bay, its certainly something that was never explored and I loved your justification for why Matilda never mentions him because that irritates me on the show.

There was some editing issues in the flashback, a few spelling mistakes that maybe would have been picked up by a proof read or a spell check on word. It read a bit like I was being told what was happening rather than seeing it for myself and that made me feel a bit disconnected from the story.

I liked Henry’s view on his ‘father figures’ it just would have been nice to see Henry observe Tony and mentally compare him with Rhys and jack rather than be told what he thought, if that makes sense.

I think you might have been better off not including the whole paragraph setting the scene and just jumping instead to the drama bit of Lucas misreading the signals, then you could have devoted more time to describing things rather than trying to fit in so much drama.

It was a bit strange the way the story was told from Henry’s point of but switched at this point to Matilda and Kit seeing them but I thought you built the suspense well.

The ending with Max and Rhys was a bit random. I thought this was a good idea and a good way of explaining why Matilda rarely mentioned Henry but it felt like you tried to cram too much in and as a result it was hard to get involved in the story.

Entry Eight

I thought this was a beautifully written story. You captured the sense of fun, playfulness and love between them so effectively through the flashbacks. It had just the right mix of good consistent dialogue and the emotional stuff.

The split sentence structure really captured the confused feelings of torment after his wife had just died.

I liked the stuff with Jack, I think you were right to have it just the two of them, it was really effective and the end song was beautiful, really fitting and emotive.

I think I agree with the others that there was one too many song references in this fic and at times it did feel like it broke the writing up. I’d have perhaps stuck with one song and used it just at the beginning and end rather than breaking up the text with it but perhaps that’s just a personal thing.

Despite that though I really enjoyed this and I can’t fault the writing.

****

I thought this was a really good challenge and there were four or five entries I could have picked as my winner but I think in the end I just went with my gut feeling and the story that made me feel all fuzzy inside. That is entry eight despite the overkill on songs I had a really big aww after reading this fic and I thought it was really well written.

Great entries though, one of the toughest challenges I've ever judged, well done everyone.

[Skykat]

Can I just add that for those who haven't reviewed, you don't have to go into as much detail as the rest of us, one line on what you liked and didn't like on each fic would suffice really, atm there would be no way to pick a winner because all three reviewers have opted for a different fic. Don't be put off if you entered, just make a review up. Come on people... review!!!