Fan Fic Challenge Entries 2008/09

[Zetti]

Entry One – Untitled

This fan fiction has words of a powerful nature and it really does to me draw in my attention. I love the way that Christine Jones faces a trauma in her present life by opening up about her past so for me that was a awesome fic, It has loads of adjectives and phrases in there to make it an enjoyable read {I sound like a book critic}

Father Lawrence managed a nod, unable to help the smile that graced his lips as the formidable Christine emerged to give her scathing view on the local sports coach. It proved the fighting spirit was still in there somewhere.

I like this bit as a little bit of humour makes it slightly more interesting but maybe a bit more insight into the background of Father Laurence would be better and more eyecatching.

She paused and looked him square in the eyes as he struggled to keep his expression from betraying his shock at her revelation. Her words as she spoke where cool and almost calculated and the hatred in her tone chilled Father Lawrence to the core.

I cant even critisce this as it is an excellent piece of dialogue so well done to whoever wrote it.

My rating out of 10 is 8 {fantastic entry}

Entry Two - Rewriting Mum's Existence

I like this as everything changes and nothing is predicatable, The dialogue is fantastic so well done.

Everything that she had hoped for, her reunion with her sons and Tony for the past fifteen years was put on hold because of Tony and her sons on the run. It had taken almost five years for her to track them down, and now that she had, it was all for nothing. Everyone had all moved on with their lives, she was nothing to them anymore. As she took in a deep breath, she got herself up from the bed and walked out into the kitchen where she dried her tears with a few tissues. In the corner of her eye she had spotted something shiny, something dangerous, she had spotted a weapon of a killer. Taking the butcher’s knife from the kitchen bench, she placed it into her handbag and walked outside, shaking with fear. She had entered the lot next door, as she knocked waiting for an answer. Leah had opened the door, all dressed up with a childish smile as Katie introduced herself as Tony’s relative. Wanting to see the bride before the ceremony, Leah had showed Katie towards Rachel’s room and had left them alone. Rachel had looked stunning in her pure white dress, and couldn’t wipe the grin off of her face as she shook hands with Katie.

‘I would like to get to know you of course, but seeing that it’s less then an hour to the ceremony, I thought I would cut to the chase.’ Katie had begun to explain which made no sense to Rachel.

‘Um, sure, what is it?’ She had asked, with her smile in no sign of fading away, as Katie had whispered,

‘Close your eyes.’

Fantastically Done! I wish this was true it is that realistic!

Entry Three – Untitled

I do like this fic a lot because of the way it is structured swapping back through the entries although to me it isn’t like he is writing a diary entry in reality but than in his imagination reliving what is happening and I do like the way the author changes it from the actual events of the storyline. Nicely done but the tenses change quite dramatically and so maybe a bit more checking would be better.

I can’t believe that because she was one normal person before the drugs thing and to get mixed up in the drugs scandal means that you have no respect for the law. Although me saying that is kind of hypocritical because I dodged the bullet and removed Martha from harms way. Sam death made me believe that life was short so I went to the one source of love that I believed I had; Martha. People hated the speed at which we reunited but I know in my hearts of hearts that it was the right thing to do. She is and will always be the love of my life and I am not letting her go again. To some extent Sam as well.

I like this because you don’t forget the actual events and Jack doesn’t seem to justify it but accepts it.

Rating 7 out of 10 {Good Entry}

Entry Four – Untitled

I cant really review this because I cant seem to get my head around it as it is so real and raw and the descriptions are beyond amazing.

The sun beat down on Peter’s face and he wiped the sweat from his forehead for what felt like the millionth time in the ten minutes that had passed since he had arrived at their meeting place. Christy had chosen a neutral spot, and Peter had agreed, having been still in shock at the time and not thinking clearly. Had he been, he might have questioned her choice. But he hadn’t been and hadn’t done, and so he was sitting on a picnic bench in a small park just outside the city. Aside from him, there were only two other people to be seen: a young couple, maybe about eighteen, walking a small white dog. He sighed to himself. Oh for things to be that simple. He had been awake all night, wondering what Andrew would be like. Would they have anything in common? What would they have to say to one another? What would Andrew want to say to him? These questions were beginning to spin in his mind again when he saw them. Christy, looking more beautiful than ever – oh how deceiving looks could be – was making her way across the park towards him, waving and smiling. Trailing somewhat despondently behind her was a boy Peter could only assume to be Andrew. His eyes were almond shaped, and his hair was unruly like Peter’s, but the similarities ended there. He had Christy’s dark hair and strong jaw, and Peter was only guessing, but he could imagine he saw a hint of her smile in the boy too. He got to his feet as they approached, greeting Christy with the customary peck on the cheek, and turned his attention to the kid. He didn’t look up, but merely scuffed his foot back and forth on the well-trodden grass underfoot, and Peter resisted the urge to laugh. He suspected Andrew had inherited an attitude as well as eyes from him.

Too fantastic everything was perfectly written, I loved this

Rating 9 out of 10{Amazing Entry}

Rest of them up soon

[Zetti]

Entry Five

This entry is slightly different in my opinion because it deals with an issue that I feel slightly uncomfortable with but nevertheless an good attempt to deal with can sway me and you have swayed me into thinking that sexual abuse cant in some cases be inevitable, reading this entry made me feel like I was a spectator and it is immensely powerful so well done. But a bit too much descriptions and not enough dialogue

Rating 7 out of 10 {Good Entry}

Entry Six- In heat

I found this quite dull in parts, there were no moments of desire as the title implies and no moments of interesting action but I do like the end and how you link it up to the beginning.

Entry Seven.

I cannot review this as I couldn’t really understand it but the words you have used are good and I encourage to do more..

Entry Eight

That’s one of the many things that Tony loved about Kate. He didn’t have to be the strong, silent, macho man of today around her. She picked up on all his little quirks and loved every single one of them. It was this freedom that he missed the most. Even though he’d had Beth, and Rachel, neither of them had made him feel so free and easy. And, well, like himself. Even though she joked and called him a loser, he could stand being her loser because it meant he was a winner of the greatest prize of all. Her. And he still had his old handset buried in a drawer somewhere... maybe, just maybe, her voice would still be etched on it. Tony shook his head violently. Why did he always want more than he’d already had?

This is good because it isn’t macho as it says it is thoughtful and honest which is the making of good fic.

He saw her death certificate.

He sat in the church.

He watched as the coffin was paraded before him.

Like a taunt.

He broke down and cried. And inside, really, truly, he’d never stopped since.

Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this

As time moved on, Tony felt like he had to be strong for his son, Jack. Yeah, there were other women in his life, but none ever compared to her. He felt almost sorry for his previous relationships – they were almost doomed to failure before they’d begun.

This nearly made me cry, it is an excellent attempt! I love the lyrics also and how it relates to the fic.

My vote goes to entry eight!

Well Done to everyone who entered

[princess.sparkle]

Review the rest tomorrow .

Entry One-

I really loved this one. I thought you created the suspense to a good effect, I was wanting to know what it was Christine had to say, what her big secret was. Her telling the story in third person put this distance between her and her past that I thought worked very well, as if her past was too painful for her to truly acknowledge and she could do it only at a distance. I like that you've taken a character who alot of people may have hated and written of as a soap villan and turned her into a character with great depth and potential. Also it is beleivable in the context of Home and Away and the character as we know her.

The ending was blunt and very effective.

Entry One - Untitled

“The girl in the story was my sister.”

“She killed herself that day, threw herself off a high cliff and all because I told her to go to the Police.”

She paused and looked him square in the eyes as he struggled to keep his expression from betraying his shock at her revelation. Her words as she spoke where cool and almost calculated and the hatred in her tone chilled Father Lawrence to the core.

“I will not let the same thing happen to my daughter.”

I was actually expecting that girl to be Christine so a good twist there.

Another thing I liked about this entry was the detail in the characters actions,

Entry One - Untitled

A sharp, almost insistent rapping on the door was enough to drive the sermon completely from his mind. Slowly he stretched out his legs and stood up, moving his papers deliberately inside the gold trimmed notebook he used to record his sermons. He shut the cover firmly and placed his pen carefully inside the expensive wrought iron pen holder, a present from one of his parishioners.

This allows me to paint a detailed picture in my mind and feel alot more involved in the story than I otherwise would, instead of telling me what's happening it shows me and allows me to see it for my self (if that makes any sense) so well done.

I can't find anything to criticise about this entry. I guess I could say I'd have liked to have seen a title as usually it tends to be the title that draws me towards a fan fic/ book so that would be my only suggestion. Otherwise a wonderful read and a great insight into Christines character.

Entry two

Great drama in this one, you really do that aspect of it very well. The movement was very quick, as was the dialogue which was very well suited to the story itself.

There were a few parts which I paticularly liked-

"As they stood in the hallway, everything around them had seemed to go quite, even the storm which was looming outside. Their silence was broken when they heard a small crack in the glass window downstairs. Tony had moved himself away from his wife as they just stared at each other in peacefulness, wondering what the sound was. It wasn’t until they heard a loud scream from their son when they knew something bad had happened."

In this parts it's the part about the moment of peacefulness that captured me. It just seemed like such a beautiful moment, like when time just stands still for a second and everything around you seems to stop, like a moment which seems to last for way more than it actually should. It's just very, poetic I guess, that moment shared between them amid the hysteria and screams.

"Racing down the stairs, Tony took three steps at a time as he leaped into the living room, as his jaw dropped to the ground horrified by the site of his sons. His eight year old stood in the corner screaming, as their six year old laid on the cold floor boards – dead, with a bleeding wound from a gunshot. When Katie had entered the room, she had let out the most bone chilling scream any mother could let out by the sight of seeing their child bleeding to death. Her screams hadn’t stopped as she picked him up, resting him in her arms as she cradled him like a newborn. Tony stood a few paces behind her, frozen, as tears began to roll down his face."

Another wonderful part, very moving and also quite shocking. The "- dead" part worked very well as a shock tactic.

The thing I'd say about this entry is that the way it ended was a little abrupt. I guess you were limited by the word limit and maybe the direction you wanted to take the story in with bringing the story to 2008 would have worked better as a longshot. Personally I think leaving the story at

"‘…Tell them I died a peaceful death.’ She had smiled for the first time in a long time. ‘I’ll meet you back here in fifteen years or so when all this dies down… You better be here.’ She had finished off with a grin as she backed away, with her dead son in her arms. As the sirens got louder, Tony couldn’t even stop and think about everything that had just happened. Immediately, he ran out of the front doors as he put his kids into the car, and driving out of the driveway into the loud storm that the sirens were dithering in."

would have worked better in this oneshot. Other than that you write it very well as a dramatic fiction .

Entry three

Well what's good about this entry is you obviously know the characters of Jack and Martha very well as you write their dialogue briliantlly in a very believable way. I like the idea of the diary format. But perhaps it would have been better keeping it to Jack telling his story rather than going between that and having it narrated? I just think it may have flowed better that way.

I also find it very hard to beleive that Sam would be accepting of him and Martha, just not very in character. Same with Rory giving them his blessing, I just can't imagine him saying that and accepting Martha in that way. Well done for trying something different with the diary format though.

Entry four

I absolutely loved the opening to that, the short blunt sentences worked very well and really conveyed the way Peter must have been thinking, having thoughts flooding out of his mind. I loved the descriptive element that ran throughout this story and thought you wrote it very well.

The "You’re a father, Peter." Was a great way to introduce him to the reader. It stood out and gripped me. The metion of Christy changing her name to Jazz was great, something that I can believe Peter or any person thinking about, something I've thought about myself so good to see a mention of that .

The ending I thought was brilliant - beautifully sad, with a hint of hope- it totally left me wanting to read more.

[princess.sparkle]

Entry five

I thought this was a wonderful insight into how Axel was feeling and dealing with the whole situation. The dialogue was wonderfully written and helped convey him feeling confused and the piece showed that he actually has feelings too.

It's funny because despite being a huge Kane and K/K fan I've always hated how HAA turn 'rapists' into model citizens and the victims into whining cows but I did think that this piece showed his side of the events very well without making him into a hero and Melody into the villian of the piece. It simply shows that nothing is ever a 100 per cent set in stone and straight forward and that as characters they all have there flaws but also at the same time have feelings and perceptions of things which differ from other characters. The entry shows Axel not as an outright bad person but as a flawed character who made a bad choice but who we are allowed to feel sympathy for without having to think less of Melody.

The only thing I can say is maybe it would have been good to see a confrontation between Aden and Axel. But I guess that in a one shot there wasn't really much time for that? A wonderful entry, I especially loved the ending, it really managed to show Axel being isolated from his former life and added to his sense of being alone and almost lost.

Entry six

I tought this was very well written and the relationship between Drew and Jules was excellently portrayed. The dialogue was great and believeable, it was true to the characters. I also liked that it was written in first person, it made it feel that little bit more personal. I guess maybe it would have been nice to hear a bit more about Drew's relationship with his mum, her lack of involvement in his life, him spending thte summer away from her. The one thing I didn't like so much was that noting much happened, there was perhaps a lack of drama and lack of a climax. It was brilliantly written though.

Entry seven

I liked that it was about Henry, he was never my favourite character or anything but I hate hate how he is never mentioned by Mattie. You'd think he would be them being twins and all. So I appreciated that Henry and the Hunters were shown to still be in touch that was good.

What I didn't like was that I didn't feel involved in the story, the way it was written didn't make me feel involved, it was more like someone was telling you what had happened to them, if that makes sense. It was like being told about someones life not being invited to take part in it. I also wasn't quite sure why Max and Rhys came into it and why he ended up with them? Maybe that's just me though.

Good choice of character to use though, wish HAA would atleast give him a mention now and again.

Entry eight

I really loved reading this one, the writting was excellent. I loved the dialogue, it was very real and flowed well throughout. I loved how it skipped between the past and the present, it worked well and reflected Tony recalling memories of his past. I also loved the spacing out of sentences when you're telling of her death. That was very effective in showing how Tony felt.

Like people have mentioned I thought you used perhaps too many songs and for me it sort of interuppted the flow of the story. But I still loved it, it was very beautiful and poignant. I didn't mind that you erased Lucas, it worked quite well with just Tony and Jack.

This was a really hard choice and I was torn between one, four, five and eight. But I'm going to have to go for entry one. It was very well written, this description was wonderful, the themes and events were beleiveable, it had me gripped all the way through, had a great twist and went towards explaining stuff about a character we don't really know much about. So well done .

[Dean]

OK, the votes are in, and the winner will be announced shortly.

[QUIET ACHIEVER]

Fan Fiction Challenge Entries and Reviews

Below are the entries for the “Where Are They Now” Fan Fiction Challenge. Each entry has met the selected criteria and all entries will remain anonymous during the review process. The winner will only be revealed once the reviewing process is completed. It is up to the other entrants, once the competition and reviews have finished, if they wish to reveal which entry is theirs.

Please review ALL the entries and then clearly state at the bottom of your post who you think deserves to win and why. Only reviews which have included ALL the entries will be considered in deciding the ultimate winner of this challenge. Those who have entered the competition may wish to review the entries but it isn’t necessary to do so.

When writing a review, please make sure that your critique is of a positive nature with tips on how to improve one’s writing. Feedback will help to develop new skills/ideas as well as hone in on existing skills as a writer and also helps to improve for future writings.

Here are a few suggestions which are a guide that might help when review the entries.

Once you’ve read the fiction, what were your first impressions?

Did the title suit the fiction?

Can you imagine the scenes happening whilst you were reading them?

Did the fiction flow or was there parts where it felt a bit disjointed? If it felt disjointed, do you have any suggestions as to how it could have been better written?

Did you feel emotionally attached to the main character and their plight?

Did the fiction have continuity?

Were you left wanting to know more about the character?

Was there a distinct beginning, middle and end to the fiction?

Any tips on how the writer could improve on their fiction?

Please feel free to use the above questions as a guide and add your own constructive and positive ideas to the review.

The closing date for all reviews will be on Sunday 1st March.

Best of luck to all those who have entered and happy reviewing,

QUIET ACHIEVER

[QUIET ACHIEVER]

Entry One - Four Words

He heaved his bag up the final flight of steps, refusing to stop until he reached the door. He had been awake for 15 hours straight and he knew that has soon as he stopped moving he would collapse and be unable to move for the foreseeable future. He stopped at the end of the long hallway glancing up at the shiny gold number 415. When he had first moved in he had thought the climb up the stairs was magical, like he was leaving all his troubles on the ground floor and could escape to the realms of serious study and writing. Now after pulling up a large duffle bag up all those stairs he wished he had a room on the first floor, or at least access to a lift.

He fished out his dorm key from his pocket and turned the lock. The door creaked slightly as he gave his bag one final tug and stepped over the threshold.

“Lucas, my man!”

Lucas was tugged into a brief man hug by his roommate.

“Hey, Seth,” he replied wearily.

His friend pulled away, allowing Lucas to take in the familiar surroundings. This room had been his home for just over a year now. The familiar smell of over-ripe bananas which Seth had left to rot in the fruit bowl clashed with the smell of smog generated from the city centre.

Central Coast University in Sydney was located in the middle of the metropolitan, meaning that there was a continual stream of traffic outside the building as well as the constant cover of grey smoke lying over the city like a blanket. At first Lucas had missed the squawking of seagulls and fresh salty air of his previous home, but now he was comfortable in his surroundings, barely noticing the absence of the sun and the sea. CCU also was home to one of the best writing programs in the country, and the main reason why Lucas now called this place home.

Seth slouched back over the lounge and sank into the cushions flipping on the tv. “I didn’t expect you to stay up.”

“And miss you getting home?” Seth said over the low hum of a late night talk show, “Not likely. It’s been quiet around here without you.”

“Yeah,” Lucas mused, still standing in the doorway, “3 months is a long time.”

“But totally worth it, right?” Seth questioned.

“Absolutely,” Lucas replied, wandering over to the sitting area. A sudden surge of sleepiness hit him like an oncoming train as he swallowed a yawn.

“You looked wrecked,” Seth said, his eyes moving from the television to Lucas’ face.

“I don’t think I’ve ever walked so much in my entire life.”

Seth let out a low chuckle.

“It looks like you survived though,” Lucas said, gazing around the single room which they shared. All four walls appeared to be intact.

“Well, I went back to the farm for a while. See the family, you know?” Seth replied.

Lucas nodded. Family. The mention of that word suddenly made him feel dizzy. He hadn’t spoken to anyone from his family in over 12 weeks. He'd missed his own brother's wedding, let alone told them he was going on a trekking expedition through India. His professor from his Contemporary Writing class organised the class trip to coincide with the long summer break which university students got over the holidays. For all those who didn’t have plans or obligations to return home to their families, it was the perfect escape. A chance to search for creative inspiration without the distractions of mobile phones or internet connections. He had been completed isolated, until now.

Sure, he had thought about home; a lot. But when it came down to it, he didn’t want to go back. His dad and brother had lives there, but he didn’t. As much as he loved them he was not going to spend the rest of his life cleaning gym equipment.

“This room smells like a dirty sock,” Lucas said in disgust, wrinkling up his nose and striding over to the window. He yanked at the latch, pushing it open. The cool evening air swept past him and he felt his surge of nausea subside.

“Speaking of family,” Seth spoke up, eyes back glued to his program, “When I got back there were like, six messages on the answering machine. Most from your dad, another from some lady, said her name was Rachel.”

Lucas spun around from the window. His dad and his fiancé Rachel had called. Maybe wondering why didn’t come home? Or were they just checking up on him? He had been away from home for twelve months and his father still didn’t trust him to be able to survive on anything but two minute noodles and an overload of fast food.

“It sounded urgent,” Seth continued, “I left the last message on the machine.”

Lucas wandered slowly away from the window towards the corner of the room where the phone and answering machine were located. They sat on a small rickety table that had been left in the room by the previous occupants. He pressed the little red button on the machine. There was a click before the familiar voice of his father filled the room.

“Lucas... It’s me... Again. Listen, I need to talk to you ... It’s pretty urgent. Call me when you get this. It doesn’t matter what time ... Just ... We need to talk.”

Another click, and the machine went dead.

“They all said pretty much the same thing,” Seth commented from the lounge.

‘We need to talk.’ Nothing good ever came from those four words. A knot began to form in the pit of Lucas’ stomach. His mind began to reel, considering all the possible reasons why his father had sounded so desperate to hear from him. Had the gym gone bust? Had Alf Stewart lost the bar? Fire? Flood? Another stalker? There seemed to be only one way to find out.

Lucas picked up his bag, that was still lying by the door and pulled it into his bedroom, a small offshoot of the main living area. He retrieved his mobile phone from the front pocket of his bag, and glanced down at the screen. He realised he had no idea what the time was. With the change in time zones and lack of sleep it could have been 2 am and he wouldn’t have noticed. 23.45. The digits stared back at him. It was almost midnight. ‘It doesn’t what time’ his father had said.

Lucas carefully scrolled through his phonebook, his thumb hovering momentarily over the call button as he reached his contact titled Dad. He held the phone to his ear hearing the dial tone. It stopped. There was a slight rustle before a hoarse voice answered at the other end.

“Hello?”

“Dad?”

“Lucas?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

There was a pause. Lucas sat down on the edge of his bed. There was a shuffling at the end of the line, his father had probably been in bed.

“Sorry,” Lucas said, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“No, that’s okay mate,” Tony replied, “I wasn’t really asleep anyway.”

His voice sounded tired, strained. Like, not only had he not been asleep when the phone rang, but also that he hadn’t been asleep in a long time.

“Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“Is everything okay?” Lucas asked.

“Not really, mate,” his father replied sadly. His voice a mere whisper. There was another pause as Tony pulled in a deep breath, before letting out a sigh. “You have to know that I love you, Luc. And so did your brother.”

Lucas nodded, before realising that his dad could not see him.

“I know that.”

“The thing is,” Tony began, “Jack was killed.”

Lucas caught his own breath in his chest. Jack, dead? That was impossible.

“He can’t be,” Lucas whispered softly.

Another wave of nausea washed over him. The knot that had formed when he heard his father’s message tightened. His brother was a cop; he knew what to do in dangerous situations. He couldn’t be dead.

“I’m sorry, Lucas,” Tony replied, letting out a small sob.

“Dad, I-“ Lucas tried to speak, but his throat was dry. His voice cut out before he could scream, could cry, and tell him that he was coming home. Except, he didn’t want to go home. He didn’t want to go back to the place which had taken his brother’s life. But where else could he go?

“It’s going to be all right,” his father said softly.

“How?” Lucas asked. One syllable was all he could manage.

“Because,” Tony said, “You will go on and live your life. And you will be happy. It’s what Jack would have wanted.”

There was a sudden loud beep in Lucas’ ear before the phone cut out.

“Dad?” Lucas looked down at the screen. It was blank. Dead. Just like his brother. His fists tightened around the object before he slung in furiously across the room. There was a crash as the phone broke into pieces, the screen cracking.

“Lucas? Are you okay?” Seth called timidly from the other room.

Lucas couldn’t reply. He looked around. His bag was still packed from his trip. Suddenly he lunged at it, gathering up the straps and pulling it up onto his shoulder. He threw open his bedroom door, bowling over Seth who had crept cautiously across the room to see what the sudden crashing noise was.

“Woah! Man, what’s the matter?” Seth asked, as Lucas pushed passed him and strode towards the door.

“I have to go,” Lucas said determinedly.

“But orientation for first semester is Monday. You can’t miss it,” Seth called as Lucas slammed the door behind him, leaving him stunned.

--

He didn’t stop. He couldn’t let himself think. Not until he reached his destination. It wasn’t until he reached the departing terminal at the airport before he decided where he was going.

The sun was just rising as he got out of the taxi. He paid the driver before pulling his own bag out of the car. He looked up at the large brick building at the end of a long winding driveway.

Slowly he trudged up the slight hill, his feet growing more tired with every step. But he forced himself to keep going, just as he had been doing for the past 24 hours.

This time yesterday he was blissfully happy. Pleased to be going home, eager to start a new school year. Now, there seemed to be nothing on the horizon. When he looked to the future he drew blank.

He stood at the plain white door. Lucas wasn’t sure how long he stood there. He knew it was early, she was probably asleep, but turning around and leaving wasn’t an option either. Lucas finally lifted his hand and tapped on the door. There was silence followed by the light pattering of feet.

The door opened slowly. A bush of blonde hair appeared, followed by the most perfect pair of blue eyes. Then she was standing before him.

“Lucas?” she said in a whisper.

“Mattie, I –“ Lucas began, but he stopped. He could feel the pressure rising in his chest, his throat closing off, his eyes beginning to prickle. He wiped his eye with his sleeve. It was wet.

“Luc, I’m so sorry,” she said, pulling him into a hug. She held him close, allowing him to cry. His chest rising and falling inconsistently as the emotion surged out of him. But she stood strong, holding him up in the doorway.

“It will be okay,” she whispered in his ear.

At those four words, he drew a deep breath, his face nuzzled against her shoulder and neck. He couldn’t see how things would ever be the same again, but he wanted to believe her.

[QUIET ACHIEVER]

Entry Two - From Lemons to Mangoes

Lilly was panting by the time she reached the supermarket entry. The walk from her car to the doors had only been a couple of seconds, but the summer heat was so unbearable that she felt as though she was constantly breathing through a heavy cloth. Fresh air seemed to be a thing of the past.

Pushing her hair off of her face and lifting her sunnies from her eyes, Lilly relished in the air-conditioning and, grabbing a basket, made her way happily towards the fruit and veggie section. Fresh fruit had always been a favourite of hers and tonight she was going to splurge.

Pineapples, mangoes, watermelon and grapes. All her favourite fruits. And all dipped into dipping chocolate of course. Lilly grinned, feeling a little excited about the night she had planned. Not only was she going to splurge on all her favourite foods, she had also rented out her favourite movies and picked up the kitten she had promised herself. To some people it wouldn’t seem like the most exciting of nights, but for Lilly, it was special.

Special because she had a job and she had an apartment. More exciting was that she’d had both the job and apartment for a whole year now. She’d been on her own, living a calm, quiet life, the life she wanted for one year. One year today.

She’d gone from living with her mother and an abusive boyfriend, to living in a refuge and studying part time, to living on her own in Adelaide and working as a qualified office administrator. Lilly looked around the fruit and veggie section sheepishly, hoping no one had spotted her grinning like an idiot. Her life had gone from being like a basket of horribly sour lemons, to becoming a basket of deliciously sweet mangoes.

Sorting through the pile of mangoes she stood before, Lilly remembered Cassie. Cassie, Ric and Matilda. Sally, Brad and Mr. Stewart. People who had been so good to her, teaching her what life should be like, what life could be like.

And now, her life was like that … almost. Lilly frowned as she placed a bruised Mango back in the bunch. She had her job, she had her apartment and, as of today she had the cutest little kitten. But she didn’t have anyone.

She had taken everybody’s words of encouragement and used them properly. She had learned to be brave, to stand up for herself and to fight for what she wanted. She had learned to believe in herself and what she had to offer. But she didn’t have anyone to share that with.

She didn’t have any family, her mother having died in a car accident while Lilly was still at the refuge. She didn’t have a boyfriend, though that didn’t bother her all too much. And she didn’t have friends out of working hours. That did bother her.

She still heard from Cassie. Every second Sunday like clock work, Cassie would email her, telling her all about her life, her travels, her beautiful new baby. And Sally would always send her ‘hellos’ through Cassie’s email which was nice.

But that was all. She hadn’t expected Ric or Mattie or anyone else from Summer Bay to keep in contact with her, they all had their own lives after all. But sometimes she just wished she had someone. As happy and proud of herself as she was, she sometimes got lonely.

Finally finding herself a nice looking Mango, Lilly placed it into her basket and headed for the grapes.

The girls at work always asked her to go out with them. Every Friday lunchtime without fail, Emmy would pop up in front of her telling her about all their plans for that night, telling Lilly that she ‘simply must come out tonight’.

Lilly always grinned and said ‘thanks but no thanks’. She loved that they asked her every week any way and loved that every week they tried even harder than the week before to convince her to go.

“We’re going to this great new club,” Emmy would chirp. “They do half price drinks until ten and there will be a bunch of cute guys there.”

Lilly sometimes though that maybe she should go out with her work mates. They made such an effort with her every week. It would definitely be a way to meet new people. Not necessarily “cute guys”, but just people.

Lilly stared at the grapes in front of her. Green or red?

Usually she always went for green but for a moment she considered grabbing a bunch of red ones instead. Should she do it? Could she do it? Red grapes and going out clubbing with work friends?

Slowly she reached out to grab the red grapes, paused, and at the last minute grabbed the green ones she always got. She sighed. Her life was so much better than it used to be, but sometimes she felt like she was in such a rut. Seriously, she thought to herself, just get the red grapes next time.

She knew she was a little crazy then. Comparing her lack of social life to grapes.

But she knew deep down that a social life wasn’t what she wanted. She wanted real company. Not company she could go out and get drunk with, but company she could spend time with and talk to. Not just gossip with, but really talk.

Placing her grapes into her basket, she quickly grabbed a pineapple and a watermelon and determinedly made her way out of the fruit and veggie section.

Today was a good day, an amazing day. There was no point in ruining the great mood she’d been in all day, all week, just over one little detail. Okay, Lilly reasoned, maybe it’s not that little a detail, but it’s not big enough to get worked up over.

With that in mind, Lilly walked into the meat department and considered what to cook for dinner. There was the left over pasta in the fridge and a microwave pizza in the freezer… Lilly looked over at the steaks and, with a wicked grin, picked up the juiciest looking one she could find.

Feeling more upbeat after her little pep talk, she made her way towards the drinks. She had briefly considered buying a bottle of wine for her celebrations but quickly decided against it. She wasn’t a huge fan of alcohol, plus grape juice tasted so much better anyway.

Picking up two bottles of red grape juice, and grunting a little at the increasing heaviness of the basket, she made her way towards the pet food isle. She had a little kitten now, and he need to be fed.

Lilly smiled as she thought of the little ball of grey fluff waiting for her at home. He was so unbelievably cute and he was all hers. Her smile faded a tiny bit. He also needed a name.

She looked over the tins of cat and kitten food and the boxes of biscuits, looking for the one she had been told to get and running animal names through her head.

Smokey? Fluffy? Oscar? Felix? Tiger? Kitty? Max? “Jules?”

Lilly hadn’t realised she’d said the last name out loud until the man beside her turned to look at her.

“Lilly?” A smile spread over Jules’s face as he took her in.

“Hey,” she said softly, half wishing she’d kept her mouth shut, half happy to see an old, familiar face. “Um, how are you?”

Jules’s smile quickly turned into a large grin and Lilly was instantly pleased she had opened her mouth. “Great,” he said happily. “How’ve you been? You doing o.k. these days?”

Lilly nodded shifted the weight of her basket to her other hand. “I’m good thanks. I’m doing a lot better.”

Jules nodded. “I’m glad to hear that Lil.” There was a slightly uncomfortable silence before he started talking again. “So, what are you doing with yourself these days?”

Lilly grinned and told him about her job and apartment. She knew most people wouldn’t see it as a big deal, but she knew Jules would get it.

“That’s awesome,” he said happily. “Living all on your own, doing our own thing. That’s really great Lil, I’m really pleased for you.”

“Thanks,” Lilly could feel the blush creeping up her cheeks at his praise and quickly changed the subject. “What about you? What are you doing now?”

“Oh, I, uh, I’m at Uni actually.”

“That’s unexpected,” Lilly said grinning, “but good on you.”

Jules grinned before looking at her basket. “Hey,” he said, reaching for it, “let me carry this. You got glass bottles and a watermelon in here. It must be heavy.”

“Oh that’s o.k. I can - ” Lilly started to protest until the basket was gone and she suddenly had feeling in her fingers again. “Thanks,” she finished softly, shaking her fingers out.

“No worries, all I got is this roll of dog food.”

Lilly grinned and reached for the kitten food the RSPCA had said the kitten had liked. “That’s all I need,” she said, placing it in the basket.

Together they made their way to the checkouts, Jules still happily carrying her basket.

“So I suppose you’ve got a big celebration planned for tonight?” He asked, unloading her shopping onto the conveyer belt.

“No, just me, the kitten and my fruit,” Lilly said. “I’m not really one for partying.”

Jules just nodded.

“What about you?” Lilly asked as she paid for her groceries. “Some big campus party tonight?”

“Na, I got work in the morning,” Jules said.

“Where do you work?”

Jules laughed and handed over some money for his dog roll. “Here actually. Just part-time in the butchery.”

Lilly smiled. “Uni and work. I’m impressed.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Jules grinned at her and Lilly felt herself blush again. He picked up the shopping bags, shooing her hands away when she tried to help and followed into the heat and towards her car.

“Hey,” he said, placing the bags into the backseat of her car. “You hired out Anchorman?”

“Yeah,” Lilly said with a laugh. “It’s one of my favourites.”

“Same,” Jules said, “It always cracks me up.”

Lilly didn’t know what came over her, but the next moment she was saying, “I’m actually going to watch it tonight, if you want to join me?”

She watched as Jules’s eyes widened in surprise. Stupid, stupid, stupid! She thought to herself. He may not be going to a party, but he probably has plans, or a girlfriend or something.

“I’d love to,” Jules said breaking into her thoughts.

Lilly looked at him with wide eyes. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Lilly smiled softly. She’d always been able to talk to Jules.

[QUIET ACHIEVER]

Entry Three - Winter in Paris

Three years ago, Hayley, Scott and their son Noah left Summer Bay to move to Paris. They were going to start a new chapter in their lives. Sure, they had been sad to leave their relatives and friends but they had also been very excited. Paris was one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Lots of people dreamt about going or living there but that dream was about to become reality for them.

Hayley Hunter, née Smith, was currently walking carefully on the slippery sidewalks of Paris, holding Noah’s hand to make sure he would not slip and hurt himself. It had snowed during the night and she had woken up to find the whole city covered by a white blanket. It wasn’t even winter yet. November wasn’t even over yet.

Today was the 25th of November 2008. Three years ago to the day, she had said goodbye to her loved ones in Summer Bay. She missed her relatives and friends very much. She had seen a few of them when she had travelled with Scott and Noah to Adelaide for Beth’s funeral. She had been happy to see them again but she obviously would have preferred seeing them under other circumstances. She hadn’t really had the chance to catch up with them. They were only there for the funeral and had to get back to their lives in the Bay when it was over.

When they had come back to Paris, Scott had proposed to her. At first, she had been a bit shocked. She hadn’t expected it, especially not a few days after Beth’s funeral. But that was the reason Scott had proposed to her. When he had seen her startled expression, he had tried to explain to her why he thought they should get married sooner rather than later. He had told her life was too short. Beth’s sudden death was a perfect example. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and have a few more children. They had already talked about getting married someday. So why wait any longer? Of course, she had said yes. She wanted nothing more than to be his wife.

They got married at the local city hall. She had worn a beautiful white dress and he had found a black suit. It was a pretty small ceremony. Just the two of them, Noah, Robbie, Tasha, Ella and some friends they had met in Paris. They would have loved to have all their relatives and friends to celebrate that special day with them but Paris was far away from Australia and they hadn’t been able to make it. Robbie, Tasha and Ella were the only ones who had made it. Then again, Boston wasn’t even ten hours away by plane.

Hayley was still happily married to Scott and baby Noah wasn’t a baby anymore. He was now the cutest three-year-old boy she had ever seen. Okay, she wasn’t very objective but didn’t all mothers think their children were the cutest?

Noah looked a lot like his father but he had her eyes. He loved playing with his little cars and going to the playground where he had made a few friends. Some of which were French and the others were also Australians as Scott had found a job at the Australian embassy in Paris and some of his colleagues had also children.

This morning, when her alarm clock woke her up, she turned it off and yawned. She turned around and pulled the sheets up to cover her body. When she re-opened her eyes, Scott was watching her with a loving smile plastered on his face. He greeted her with a morning kiss as he wrapped his arms around her waist. She didn’t feel like getting up. It was cold outside and lying in Scott’s arms felt so good. She didn’t want to leave the bedroom.

But she didn’t have a choice. So she eventually got up and walked towards the bathroom. When she was ready, she went to wake up little Noah whom she had to drop off at kindergarten on her way to work.

When she had finally managed to dress Noah who was whining because he was still sleepy, she made him breakfast. Scott had gone to the bakery to buy some freshly baked croissants. Their favourites. She put some strawberry jam on two croissants and handed one over to Noah. She then poured them both a glass of orange juice.

After breakfast, she helped her son put on his jacket, scarf, hat and gloves. She then put on her own and grabbed her purse and Noah’s backpack in which she had put some cookies for his 10 o’clock snack. They both said goodbye to Scott before leaving.

The cold air immediately hit her and she shivered. She took hold of Noah’s hand and headed towards his school. It was

freezing. She wished she was in Summer Bay where it was almost always sunny and warm. She missed the seaside town and its beach so much. She also missed the weather, especially when it was winter here in Paris.

She had never seen snow when she lived in Australia. The first time it had snowed in Paris, she had been really excited. She had loved it. But she had soon changed her mind. The weather was cold and freezing. In a city like Paris, the snow soon transformed into a black slippery substance once pedestrians had walked on it or cars had driven on it. She much preferred the weather in Summer Bay. She just wished she could go to the beach whenever she wanted like she used to.

On cold and snowy days, she always thought of Summer Bay: the beach, the ocean, the sun, sunbathing, … If she had been there right now, she could have been building sandcastles with Noah. Then, she would have gone to Noah’s (the bar) to drink a refreshing smoothie. On her way home, she would have bumped into Mr. Stewart who would have greeted her with a “good day love” and she would have asked him if he had caught any fish. He would have smiled at her and told her how lucky he had been.

She loved living in Paris but she definitely missed all of those things. On days like these, she actually felt a little homesick. Especially today. The anniversary of the day she left the Bay.

By now, she had dropped Noah at school. She was now walking on the main path of the Tuileries Garden on her way to the Louvre Museum. When she had first arrived in France, she had taken an art class in a prestigious art school in Paris. Thereafter, she got offered an important job in one of the most famous museums in the world: the Louvre Museum. And boy did she love her job. She had always loved art and working in a museum was definitely something she had dreamt of.

Spending the day around masterpieces didn’t stop her from painting. She still loved to paint and did so whenever she had some free time on her hands. It was her passion and it was a good way for her to relax. Her works of art might not be as amazing as the famous ones at the museum but she did not care. She liked painting and that was all that mattered. Who cared if nobody would ever see them? Though she wouldn’t mind opening her own art gallery and exposing her own paintings as well as some other artists’ works of art.

Sometimes when she wasn’t inspired, she would just go to one of the many museums in Paris or she would just go to Montmartre, where she and the many tourists could admire all the artists and their paintings.

“Bonjour, Hayley,” a voice woke her up from her daydream.

It was Aurélie, her colleague and one of her closest friends. They had met on their first day at the art school and they both got offered a job at the museum. Aurélie had been the one who had taught her the basics of the French language. In exchange, she had helped her with her English.

“Bonjour, Aurélie,” she greeted her friend with a smile.

Chatting happily, they entered the building and got ready to start the day.

[I love music]

My reviews:-

Entry One - Four Words

Amazingly well written. The beginning drew me in immediately, even the little touches such as shiny gold number 415. I also liked the idea of Lucas leaving all his troubles on the ground floor and the description of the flat. From the over-ripe bananas to the continual stream of traffic outside the building it painted an immediate picture.

I was curious about Seth tho! I realise the story wasn’t about Seth of course but he was described so well that I felt a bit cheated that I didn’t get to know more about him.

A sudden surge of sleepiness hit him like an oncoming train as he swallowed a yawn.

Loved that comparison!

There was a sudden loud beep in Lucas’ ear before the phone cut out.

I did find the telephone conversation well done, especially the way his father gently refers to Jack in the past tense and, just as might happen in real life, Lucas didn’t pick up on it. I’m not quite sure why the phone cut out however. Was there a bad connection or had his Dad hung up? I hope it was the former or that maybe his Dad was overcome with sobs because I very much doubt anyone would deliberately hang up after breaking such devastating news to a close family member. They would have both been clinging to the phone as their only lifeline, reassured by each other’s voice. I think I’ve probably just misread the scene tho?

I really liked the twist on the four words from We need to talk to It will be okay. I also liked the ending and the sense of hurriedness as he made his way to Mattie’s. Good ending and good all round fic.

Entry Two - From Lemons to Mangoes

There was a nice relaxed pace to this fic and I found myself smiling through quite a lot of it. There was a little too much emphasis on the fruit however. I realise the fic challenge specified that the authors had to include foods but don’t overdo it.

Her life had gone from being like a basket of horribly sour lemons, to becoming a basket of deliciously sweet mangoes.

Maybe it’s just me but the comparison doesn’t really work. I think the sentence is a little too weighty. “Her life had gone from sour lemons to sweet mangoes” has more flow.

Lilly grinned, feeling a little excited about the night she had planned. Not only was she going to splurge on all her favourite foods, she had also rented out her favourite movies and picked up the kitten she had promised herself. To some people it wouldn’t seem like the most exciting of nights, but for Lilly, it was special.

She had her job, she had her apartment and, as of today she had the cutest little kitten. But she didn’t have anyone.

The description of Lilly’s loneliness is done well.

The girls at work always asked her to go out with them. Every Friday lunchtime without fail, Emmy would pop up in front of her telling her about all their plans for that night, telling Lilly that she ‘simply must come out tonight’.

I loved “Emmy popping up in front of her”! Instant scene.

Lilly smiled as she thought of the little ball of grey fluff waiting for her at home. He was so unbelievably cute and he was all hers. Her smile faded a tiny bit. He also needed a name.

That definitely has the “awww” factor!

The scene where she bumps into Jules is very sweet especially when he insists on taking the heavy basket from her. I did like the ending but not the way it was done.

Lilly smiled softly. She’d always been able to talk to Jules is a bit of a lazy description. It’s already obvious to the reader that Lilly has found someone she can relate to and is no longer lonely so She’d always been able to talk to Jules is superfluous. It might have worked better to have finished on a light note eg Lilly smiled softly and Jules returned the smile as a gentle breeze crept into the hot summer air.

Entry Three - Winter in Paris

Great title! I liked your description of the little family and how at the beginning Hayley is walking through the slippery sidewalks of Paris, holding Noah’s hand to make sure he would not slip. I think it rang very true to life when she became disillusioned by the snow after her initial excitement on seeing the first snowfall.

This was very easy reading and I agree with Hayley, Noah sounds very cute, especially playing with his little cars and going to the playground where he had made a few friends.

with a loving smile plastered on his face

Be careful with words. Plastered actually means to apply something too heavily as in “plastered on her make-up” so a smile plastered on suggests a fake smile.

She put some strawberry jam on two croissants and handed one over to Noah. She then poured them both a glass of orange juice.

Mm, I wanted that breakfast!

She was now walking on the main path of the Tuileries Garden on her way to the Louvre Museum. When she had first arrived in France, she had taken an art class in a prestigious art school in Paris. Thereafter, she got offered an important job in one of the most famous museums in the world: the Louvre Museum.

I don’t know very much about the geography of France but from the above and your later mention of the Montmartre it certainly sounds like you’ve done your homework. Kudos!

Spending the day around masterpieces didn’t stop her from painting.

I think it’s more likely to have inspired her!

“Bonjour, Aurélie,” she greeted her friend with a smile.

Chatting happily, they entered the building and got ready to start the day.

A nice, happy ending but it was all a bit sudden! Had we known a little more about Aurélie it would have been fine but as we didn’t...

Pleasant story and enjoyable reading.

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My choice of winner is:-

Entry Two - From Lemons to Mangoes

The other two stories were excellent but what swung it for me was that I empathised with Lilly and really liked her as a person. While I didn’t dislike the characters created in the other two fics (far from it) I felt I got to know her and her life very quickly. And that’s good going, especially as I don’t watch H&A very much and I have absolutely no idea who she is!