Fan Fic Challenge Entries 2008/09

[Red Ranger 1]

Here's my thought on the subject:

Four Words

This story focuses on a scenario that I expect many fans have been worrying about:Lucas’ reaction to the news of Jack’s death.It starts innocuously enough, with Lucas’ return from his travels and reflecting on his lack of desire to return to Summer Bay.But the moment we hear that Tony and Rachel have been trying to get hold of him, the reader is aware what is coming and I was on tenterhooks waiting for the awful moment when Lucas learns the true story behind those four words that never mean good news.

When the moment comes, it doesn’t disappoint and I could really imagine Tony and Lucas speaking in the conversation that follows.The ending has Lucas seeking refuge with Matilda who offers him four words of comfort.Pleasingly, there’s no easy solution to Lucas’ grief, no magic wand to put everything right, and he ends the story understandably desolate.It’s a sad ending but an effective one with just the right hint that things may get better eventually.

If I had to criticise this story, it’s that it possibly takes a bit too long to get going.Although well-written, the opening paragraphs with Lucas’ return and his conversation with Seth don’t grab the attention as much as the later section.This, however, doesn’t detract from the overall impact of the story.

From Lemons to Mangoes

Here we are given a chance to spend some time with Lily, a character quietly shunted off to parts unknown in the show, and allowed to catch up with how life’s been treating her.What we are presented with is very believable.Her life may seem mundane and ordinary to most people but coming from what she did it is a veritible paradise, the lemons/mango metaphor of the title being very apt.

Pleasingly, Lily doesn’t seem overly confident.She still has trouble making decisions and making friends and breaking from her routine and feels there is something missing from her life.I had a feeling one of her old friends would turn up but was surprised that it was Jules.I never really liked the character on the show but his relationship with Lily was one of the better things about him and I enjoyed seeing them back together.

I was taken unawares somewhat by the end of the story since I was expecting there to be more.But on reflection, I think it suits the characters well, a quiet ending that provides promise for the future.

Winter in Paris

Hayley is the focus of this story as we catch up with her new life in Paris.We see how her relationship with Scott and no-longer-baby Noah has progressed and learn about her interaction with the storylines going on back in the Bay, their reaction to Beth’s death and their eventual marriage.

I liked reading Hayley’s reflections on how things have gone for her, her comparison of her life in Summer Bay with her new life in Paris and her attitude towards snow which probably reflects that of most Europeans:it looks great when you first see it but it soon outstays its welcome.The character was captured well, I thought.

My main problem with this story is that it doesn’t really go anywhere.We spend a few hours in Hayley’s company and find out what her life is like now but there’s no real story or resolution.It doesn’t need to be a big event or even something external, just Hayley drawing a conclusion about how she feels about her new life compared to her old one would have been enough.As it is, it feels slightly incomplete but enjoyable all the same.

And the Winner is…

I’m not sure I’m qualified to be a judge on this but a vote is required.I enjoyed all the entries but with regards my personal favourite, I’m voting for Entry One-Four Words.

[Miranda]

My review has been done very quickly and I based it entirely on QA's hints above.

Four words

My first impressions of this story were that it was evocative, especially the ‘dirty sock’ smell of Seth’s room- this writer obviously knows how men’s rooms start to stink after a while! I also got the impression of heat and sunlight in this fic.

The title was apt.

I could imagine the scenes- Luc’s exhaustion, Seth hanging around not knowing what to do.

It flowed well, it was slightly unrealistic when Lucas and Seth were talking, but it didn’t detract. It was like three acts: before Lucas found out about Jack; when he found out from Tony; getting to Mattie’s house.

I definitely felt attached to Lucas and the overpowering guilt, grief, shock etc. he was suffering at learning of Jack’s death.

The continuity was good.

I was left wanting to learn what happens when Luc meets Tony and co. again. And what was Mattie’s situation? Where was she living?

It had a definite beginning; it seemed to be in three parts with a definite end. I was pleased it was an ending I like i.e. not a neat ‘all threads tied up’ conclusion, but an open one.

The only tip I’d give is that I’d like to have read more of Luc’s thoughts after he finds out about the death of Jack, not just him crying on Mattie’s shoulder.

From Lemons to Mangoes

My first impression was that it was like the opening of a chick lit novel. I have read many stories starting with this as a first chapter, but that is a good thing.

It had an excellent title.

The supermarket was well described, especially the fruit smells. I loved the metaphor of her life changing from sour lemons to sweet mangoes.

It flowed well because it was all in one location with no changes of scene.

I didn’t feel attached to Lilly at first because I can’t remember her character, but she is a young girl starting out in the world and I’ve been there so by the end I empathised with her.

It had good continuity.

I was left wanting to find out more. As I said before I don’t remember Lilly, but I also wanted to know more about Jules. Obviously these characters have a shared past, and I wanted to see how that would be brought in and developed.

There was a distinct beginning and end, but I didn’t feel there was a distinct middle; some of it was a little repetitive in the middle section.

The tip I’d give is that I’d like to have read more physical description of Lilly and Jules so I could picture them more clearly.

Winter in Paris

My first impression was that it was nice to see Hayley, Scott and Noah again and that this fic is rather like a ‘stream of consciousness’ novel.

The title is very appropriate.

I could imagine some of the scenes e.g. the wedding, waking up in bed with Scott, but not all. I loved the bit about Hayley thinking that the weather being so much better in Summer Bay [as I’m always going on about the weather].

The first bit was somewhat disjointed and jumpy, but when Hayley got out of bed, the description of her morning seemed to flow better.

I felt a little attached to Hayley as I have a three year old myself and I do the same things as Hayley every morning.

The continuity was variable; I felt there was some repetition at the beginning.

I was left wanting to read more because I feel the story had just got going with the introduction of Aurelie, and then it stopped abruptly.

There was a very definite beginning and end, but the middle was quite long and woffly. However, that was appropriate as people’s thoughts obviously don’t keep to strict structures.

The tip I’d give is that I would love to have seen more dialogue to break up the long passages of Hayley’s thoughts.

Argh! How do I choose which one I want to win? Its very, very difficult. I will choose:

Four Words.

Because it has more of an emotional punch and the subject really grabbed me. I [like many others I imagine] want to know what Lucas’s reaction to Jack’s death will be, and this was a well written visualisation of how it happens.

[princess.sparkle]

Four Words

I enjoyed reading that, like a lot of people, I'm sure, I always wonder how family and friends of people who die on the show react to news of the death and I always think what a pity it is we don't get to see a reaction. The writer brings us in to the story well and sets the scene very well with the in depth description.

I liked the way the tension started to build up as soon as I heard about the messages from Tony and Rachel and I realise that this is set after Jack died and that Lucas will soon find out.

I could imagine the scenes, especially the phone call between Lucas and Tony. I loved this part esspecially

“You will go on and live your life. And you will be happy. It’s what Jack would have wanted"

It's just that it's so true, you just know that live will go on and that no matter how much you might want the world to stop when you get news like that, it won't. And you know that no matter how inconcievable the though to of being happy in that moment is, you know that one day you will. You portrayed all that perfectly.

Although I was slightly confused as to why the phone was cut off, surely Tony wouldn't hang up on his son after telling him his brother died? Guess it was just a bad connection .

I though the ending was very well done, I thought it was quite sombre with him going to Mattie and it finishing there. But I liked that there was a sense of hope for the future with her telling him 'it will be ok'.

The title fits the story perfectly, I liked the play on the words with the four words being 'We need to talk' and 'It will be ok'.

The only criticism I could make was that I would have liked to have found out more about how Lucas felt about Jack's death.

Winter in Paris

The title here set the scene before I even started reading, it sounded wonderful .

I could imagine the scenes as I read them, especially the not wanting to get out of bed on a cold winter's morning but knowing that you have to. And the breakfast sounded delicious, and I don't even like Croissants .

I love your description of the snow, and how it's beautiful when you first see it but after a while you just wish it would go away, all very true. I also love Hayley's reminicing of the weather in Summerbay.

I just can't believe Scott ony proposed after Beth died, I'd always presumed that he and Hayley would get married sooner, I guess it's just that she was so ready to marry Kim and Scott always seemed the type to want to get married pretty quickly, I mean he was pretty keen to get Dani down the aisle. But it was nice about life being to short and that Robbie, Tash and Ella were there for the weddingt, hat was sweet. And aww at Ella and Noah playing together.

All in all it was a really sweet little story about a young family living in paris, that in itself sounds pretty perfect. The only criticism I could make is that nothing really happened, drama-wise I mean. Although I figure the story wasn't really about drama value but more about telling us about the lives Hayley, Scott and Noah had made together and as far as that goes it works. Scott and Hayley fans will be very happy.

From Lemons to Mangoes

Wow, I love the description of fruit in this, it really makes me wish summer would hurry up and come so I can live on summer fruits .

The metaphor in the title was nice and it can really be applied to Lily comparing her life as it is now to how it was.

I was just so happy to see Lily in this fic, I loved her and was so sad to see her not stick around so it was great to see how she was and how much better her life has gotten.

I was instantly involved in her life so the was great, I was so desperate to find out what she was doing, where she was living etc. And I loved that she was so much more independent than she was yet retained that slight lack of confidence in her self. tjis was perfectly summed up by her reluctance to make a choice, even in something so simple as what type of grapes to buy. But I loved that she was so much more in control of her life than before and it was so nice that her and Cassie still keep in touch . And her kitten sounds so adoreable.

I loved the part where you describe everything she has, "She had her job, she had her apartment and, as of today she had the cutest little kitten. But she didn’t have anyone." I found that really sad, but it made the introduction of Jules even more welcom. I really wasn't expecting it, but it worked so well. I was glad to find out he was doing well as he's another character I liked and was sad to see go.

The ending was nicely done I thought, it was nice to know that they both had someone, especially Lily. I loved that it ended on such an optimistic note.

I guess I would have liked to see more of Lily and Jules together but the reader knows that there's hope for them so it's kind of enough.

And my winner would have to be... From Lemons to Mangoes

[jenlee]

Below is the entry for the 'song fic' fan fiction challenge that closed yesterday. Unfortunately I only recieved one entry for the challenge, but I'm posting it anyway because the author would really appreciate some feedback while staying anonymous. The author took the time and energy to write out a really great fic, and I know feedback will be greatly appreciated.

Now, to quote QUIET ACHIEVER ...

When writing a review, please make sure that your critique is of a positive nature with tips on how to improve one’s writing. Feedback will help to develop new skills/ideas as well as hone in on existing skills as a writer and also helps to improve for future writings.

Here are a few suggestions which are a guide that might help when review the entries.

Once you’ve read the fiction, what were your first impressions?

Did the title suit the fiction?

Can you imagine the scenes happening whilst you were reading them?

Did the fiction flow or was there parts where it felt a bit disjointed? If it felt disjointed, do you have any suggestions as to how it could have been better written?

Did you feel emotionally attached to the main character and their plight?

Did the fiction have continuity?

Were you left wanting to know more about the character?

Was there a distinct beginning, middle and end to the fiction?

Any tips on how the writer could improve on their fiction?

Please feel free to use the above questions as a guide and add your own constructive and positive ideas to the review.

[jenlee]

Entry one.

Paranoid

Lyrics by Jonas Brothers

I make the most of all the stress

I try to live without regrets

But I’m about to break a sweat

I’m freaking out

It’s like a poison in my brain

It’s like a fog that blurs the sane

It’s like a vine you can’t untangle

I’m freaking out

I felt the vibrations through the temporary walls that I had erected around me. My head was in my hands, my eyes firmly closed as a tried to block out the noise. The mixture of low base booming down the corridor mixed with the high pitched screaming rattled about inside my skull, causing me to bury my face even further into my palms.

“5 minutes, Liam!”

I nodded but didn’t look up. Over the noise, I couldn’t even tell if the source of the voice have even left the room. The pounding gradually became louder, beating perfectly in time with the throbbing of my head.

Now was the time. I should be excited, eager to be back out there, doing what I loved, but I couldn’t get over that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that this was all a mistake. Everything was ready – the band, the crowd, the songs – but it all felt too soon. If I stepped out there everything would fall to pieces, just like it did last time. I could just feel it.

The pounding seemed to escalate as I finally pulled my eyes open. Little white lights danced in my line of vision while the room momentarily spun as I stood up. I gripped onto the wall and waited for the spinning to subside. I knew why this was happening. I also knew what I would have done to fix it. Instinctually I searched the room for a little white bottle that would solve all my problems. If only I could swallow one, maybe two, then I knew it would be okay. The pounding would stop, the stress would disappear and I could leave this room. But even as my eyes searched the room, I knew it would be fruitless.

I forced myself to stand up and ignore the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. According to the numerous doctors and psychologists that I had seen of the past months I was, should be, and must be, ready for this. But what if I wasn’t? How could they tell whether I really was ready? No one knew that. And no one would know until I stepped on that stage.

I glanced over my shoulder at the mirror over the dressing table. The yellow light bulbs framed my reflection as I stared. My hair had been cut short, the remaining hair sticking out haphazardly from my scalp. My attire wasn’t something I would have normally worn to a rock show. But, in an effort by my publicist to tame my ‘wild’ image he had chosen a sensible pair of black pants and button up grey shirt. My only say, was the pair of converse I wore on my feet. Even in the dim, golden lighting my face was pale, my grey eyes sunk back under my heavy eyelids. Definitely not rock star material.

What happened to the guy who used to thrive on attention? Adore the recognition from his fans? He went to rehab, and now locks himself in his dressing room before his first show.

There was another series of loud thumps. Initially I thought it was just the crowd waiting outside, no doubt already offside due to my lateness, but the thumping was erratic, and a lot closer than before.

All of a sudden there was a loud bellow of, “MURPHY!” and my dressing room door flew open.

“Murphy!” the man demanded, “You get your arse on that stage now!”

I stood still in the centre of the room as the man strode across the room and roughly grabbed me around the upper arm. His large palms easily contained my puny arm in his grasp. With one heave he pulled me out the door and we were soon walking briskly down the corridor towards the stage.

The grey concrete walls and floor passed in a blur as I struggled to keep up with the brisk pace.

“Dude!” I finally exclaimed, “Slow down.”

“Look, Liam,” the man replied, never slowing the pace, “I understand this is a big night for you. But you aren’t going to make a difference by sitting in your dressing room all night. And as your manager I need you out on that stage.”

“I get that Jeremy,” I said breathlessly, “But what if everything goes wrong? Maybe me going to rehab was nature’s way of telling me that I’m not meant to do this.”

Ignoring my reservations I felt my arm get released as Jeremy thrust me forward into a dark wing, just off stage left. People instantly began poking and prodding me, tugging at my shirt to attach a microphone battery pack to the back while someone else randomly ruffled my hair, making it even scruffier that it was before. Next thing I knew, I felt a microphone forced into my hand and another set of hands push me towards the stage.

The screaming escalated as the crowd sensed the moment was growing closer. My head throbbed stronger than ever, my hands sweating, forcing me to wipe them one at a time on the back of my pants while be careful not to drop the mic before I hit the stage.

The scene in front of me was somewhat surreal. The stage remained in darkness, while my back up band, complete with drums and two guitarists stood still at the back. A single microphone stand had been placed front and centre, and I knew that was meant for me.

In my ear I could hear a distant voice giving me the final countdown.

4 ...

Were all these people really here to see me? What if they were disappointed by what they saw?

3 ...

I can’t go out there alone. I need someone ... or something to get me through this.

2 ...

You can’t. You know you can’t. There’s no turning back.

1 ...

The lights of the stage went on, while I squinted my eyes to see the band strike the first chord. Looking hopelessly over my shoulder, I shouted one final message at Jeremy, who was standing in the sidelines,

“What if I’m not meant to do this?”

“There’s only one way to find out!” He called out in reply.

Every time I turn around

Something don’t feel right

Just might be paranoid

I’m avoiding the lines ‘cause they just might split

Can someone stop the noise?

I don’t know what it is but it just don’t fit

I’m paranoid

As soon as I stepped on the dark, cold stage the crowd erupted. The screams were deafening and as they clapped their hands together it sounded as though there was a thunder storm on the horizon. I blinked and heaved a big sigh as I took my place in the middle of the stage. I clipped my microphone into its stand and nervously wiped my hands once more on my pants.

Gazing out into the audience I failed to make out any faces. I could see the outline of many hands in the air, mobile phones being hoisted up high, and the bright lights from cameras flashing was blinding.

The bass hummed out of the guitar to my right as the melody to the song began. But this noise soon faded, muffled by the rapid beating of my heart, the shallow breathing in my chest, and once again the thumping inside my head. I forced myself to swallow, the dryness of my throat scraping as I forced a deep breath.

The light-headedness took over and I felt as though I was in a dream. There was no screaming audience, no eager manager in the wings wanting me to succeed purely for his own benefit, and no band strumming the notes that I didn’t even write. For a moment, a split second everything seemed clear. I knew exactly what a wanted, and how to achieve it.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered, not even sure whether anyone could hear my weak voice over the noise.

And then I left.

Avoiding all eye contact I pushed my way off the stage and through the confused personnel in the wings. Ignoring the confused squeals and angry boos echoing behind me, I kept running, knowing that if I stopped someone would convince me to go back, possibly kicking and screaming, back onto that stage. I let my hazy vision take me away from everyone, and everything.

With one almighty push I forced open the stage door that opened onto the car park. The cool night breeze whipped around my body, suddenly bringing me back to my reality. I only had a moment to realise that a group of photographers had staked out the concert for the first ‘post-comeback’ shot of Liam Murphy, and were waiting at the stage door. My sudden, and early arrival caught them by surprise, but they did what was instinct to them – they pulled out their cameras and started shooting. The bright lights once again dazzled before my eyes, and I used my hand as a poor shield to my face. I tried to dodge past them, but as I edged both left and right they taunted,

“What happened Liam?”

“Are you back on the drugs?”

“Is this another publicity stunt?”

“Did you see your ex-wife?”

Each question stung at me, while I also realised that I had no way of escaping. I had no car, my mobile phone was locked in my dressing room, as was my wallet, and none of these guys were going to give me a hand. The more photos they got of the ‘distraught rock star on the brink of another breakdown’ the better it was for their bank account. I only had one option.

A fierce hand grabbed at my wrist, trying to hold me back as I forced my way through the photographers. I lashed out, my fist making contact with skin and bone and my wrist was suddenly free. There was an exclamation of pain, but it was the moment’s distraction I needed to make a run for it.

I take the necessary steps

To get some air into my chest

I'm taking all the doctor's meds

I’m still freaking out

That’s why my ex is still my ex

I never trust a word she says

I'm running all the background checks

She's freaking out

I took off at a sprint, the photographers following behind. My feet pounded on the bitumen road as I ran down the dark street and away from the venue. With each stride I took, the flashes of light, the calling of my name, and the pressure seemed to become less. The night air pierced through my lungs as I gulped short, sharp breaths as I continued to run.

Soon it was only the steady beat of my feet against the pavement that echoed down the dark street. With each pounding step I grew closer to my destination, the sanctuary that I knew existed at the end of the road. I couldn’t, wouldn’t, mustn’t stop until I got there.

My breaths became shallow as I took the final strides. Blood was pulsating throughout my entire body, radiating from my feet up into my thighs as I forced my legs to take the stairs, each one becoming more difficult that the last. When I finally reached the top I collapsed, realising that I had sweat trickling down my forehead while my chest pounded with every breath I took. I sucked in the air around me and closed my eyes, praying for the spinning hallway to stop. I forced myself onto my hands and knees and began to crawl along the plush carpet, not looking up until I reached my place.

I knocked on the door, knowing full well that I was the only person who occupied the apartment, and therefore no one would answer. No one ever answered.

Groping around, I felt for the doormat. It was my last hope at finally escaping this nightmare. In my more stable condition I knew there was a possibility of this happening, so had stowed a spare key under the threadbare rug. I felt my hands touch something cold, and quickly wrapped my fingers around the object. Pulling it out, I forced myself up onto my feet. One hand was on the doorknob, the other fumbled with the key, making it fit into the lock. There was a click and the door swung open on its hinges. In an instant I was inside, slamming the door behind me and locking it once more.

I heaved a sigh and fell to the floor. My mind was spinning due to physical exhaustion of running many kilometres as well as the pent up anger, frustration and fear that was inside me. I closed my eyes waiting for the blurriness to subside. With each breath I forced into my lungs I waited for it to stop, for everything to come back into focus, but it never did.

I was no longer thinking, I had stopped doing that ever since I made the decision to run from my problems. I knew that a cure had to be near, I had used it enough times to know when it was required.

My feet were unsteady as they moved beneath me. My eyes scanned the room, looking for the one thing that I knew to be here. It had to be. I struggled into the kitchen, the plain cream coloured cabinets blurring into one as I struggled with the latch. My clumsy fingers finally opened the door and my eyes came to rest on the box. I pulled it down using both hands and placed it carefully on the table, as if it contained the most precious item in the world. I flicked the plastic latch and lifted the lid. I wrinkled my nose as the smell of disinfectant and sterilisation equipment wafted out. I rummaged through the contents, tossing aside bandages and bottles of unknown contents as I hastily searched for the little silver package.

As soon as I laid my fingers on it, I felt myself instantly relax. All it took was one pop and I felt the capsule in my hand. I tossed my head back and swallowed and everything seemed to melt away.

Stuck in a room of staring faces

Caught in a nightmare

Can’t wake up.

If you hear my cry

Running through her street

I’m about to freak

Come and rescue me.

The effect was instant, my mind finally becoming numb and my stomach untangling. I wandered in a daze back to the living area of the apartment and collapsed into the suede lounge, the silver container still in my grasp. No longer wanting to think, to feel, I took another, before picking up the phone.

I didn’t even realise who I was dialling until a frantic, high-pitched voice at the other end of the line picked up.

“Hello?”

“Hey Babe,” I said smoothly.

“Liam?” the voice screeched, “Are you okay?”

“I am perfectly fine,” I replied contentedly, closing my eyes and resting my head back, “Did you know I ran like, 10 kilometres tonight?”

“What happened to the concert?” she asked.

“Didn’t work out,” I replied simply.

“What do you mean, ‘didn’t work out’?” she asked suspiciously.

“Oh you know,” I replied vaguely, “I didn’t even perform a song.”

“What?”

“Yeah,” I said with a chuckle, “Serves Jeremy right for pushing me on that stupid stage. I didn’t want to go in the first place.”

“Liam, I thought you were ready to perform.”

“Guess I wasn’t. I’m not good for anything. I’m a total waste of space. All everyone wants is a rock star who’s gone off the rails. So that’s what I’m going to give them.”

There was a pause, but I could hear her catch her breath.

“Liam ...” she began unsurely, “Have you taken anything?”

I shrugged to myself, forgetting that she couldn’t see me.

“Liam? Are you still there?” Her tone became even sharper as she began to panic.

“Yeah, no worries,” I mumbled, my breathing requiring more effort each time I heaved in and out. My eyelids remained firmly closed as I sunk even further into the cushions.

“Liam! Don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right over,” and the line cut out.

The silence swept over me except for the constant hum in my ears.

Soon it was dark, inside my dreams as well as the night sky outside. I didn’t even notice the frantic banging on my apartment door as she thumped, wanting me to let her in.

I don’t know how she got in, but I could feel her as she crouched down at my side and began to shake at my shoulders.

“Liam?” she asked frantically.

“They’re gone now, Belle,” I slurred, before it all ended.

The pressure, the nightmares, the staring faces and all the paranoia dissolved into nothing.

I never thought it would come to this

I'm paranoid

[Georgia]

Loved it

The song lyrics fitted in amazingly.

If I was the author, I wouldn't want to be anonymous. I would want everyone to know about my amazing work.

Georgia

x

[Red Ranger 1]

I thought this story was very well-written.The use of language carried me along and made the story seem to flow smoothly so I kept reading without wanting to be somewhere else.Liam’s point of view was captured well and it really felt like seeing the world through someone else’s eyes.

Given that it’s not a situation I’ve ever been in myself, I did find it slightly hard to identify with Liam here. But the world around him was very well-crafted, a world where everyone is only interested in what they can get from him and where the only comfort he can find is in a chemical substance or in the one person who’s actually got to know who he really is.

I did find Liam’s character arc slightly rushed, he seems to go from quasi-calm to quasi-suicidal in a very short space of time.That didn’t rob the ending of any power, however, and I found the simple phrasing of the last few paragraphs very effective.As I reached the end, I was just left sitting her contemplating it for several moments, which shows the impact it had.

[I love music]

It's a shame that so few writers enter these comps after promising to. I once hosted a comp and only ended up with two entries, don't know what happens to make so many people pull out after all the earlier enthusiasm!

That was exceptionally well written and while I would prefer stories that are simply based on four or five lines of a song and not the whole song (to give the author scope to use his/her own imagination) I do realise this is a "songfic" and in keeping with the competition's request.

There is however one area where I felt an improvement could have been made. I found it difficult to connect with Liam and this was simply down to a beginning that didn't immediately grip my interest. A few lines added would have helped eg

I felt the vibrations through the temporary walls that I had erected around me. My head was in my hands, my eyes firmly closed as a tried to block out the noise. The mixture of low base booming down the corridor mixed with the high pitched screaming rattled about inside my skull, causing me to bury my face even further into my palms.

could have easily become

Fear! Fear seeping terribly through me, its taste on my tongue, its kiss in my hair, its whispers breathing into my skin.

I am afraid.

I am alone.

I felt the vibrations through the temporary walls that I had erected around me. My head was in my hands, my eyes firmly closed as a tried to block out the noise. The mixture of low base booming down the corridor mixed with the high pitched screaming rattled about inside my skull, causing me to bury my face even further into my palms.

Always try to get inside the character's emotions and so will your readers! Nice ending.