The Beginning

[TelephotoMarigold]

She walked into the hospital and made her way to Jennie’s room.

“Hey.” She called softly and the other woman woke up and looked at her.

“Hey sister I was hoping you would visit. They’ given me something strong so I may doze off on you but take no notice.” Jennie said with a smile.

Ella walked over to her and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

“How is bump?” she asked.

“We are hanging in there.” She grinned. “Which brings me to something important. I’m fighting as hard as I can here sister, I hope you know that.”

Ella nodded and a single tear slipped down her face.

“But I don’t think I’m going to make it.” Jennie said taking hold of her hand.

“I wish I could tell you not to talk like this and that of course you’ll come through.” Ella said quietly.

“Well I want you to take my boy.” Jennie told her.

Ella shook her head.

“I’m not in a position.” She stuttered.

Jennie grinned.

“I know it’s not ideal to start married life off with a babe but you and Roman can do it.”

Ella blushed when she thought of Roman and combining that with marriage in the same sentence sent her reeling. She grinned.

“Now my mum is going to help you. She’s too old to have him full time though. And don’t worry she is aware of what I am saying to you. She supports the decision that Mike and I made.” Jennie explained gently.

“I don’t Jennie. What about my parents?” she asked.

Jennie shook her head.

“Not a chance in a million years, much as I adore your dad.” She shook her head. “Mike's insurance and another policy we took out has been set up in a trust for the bub.” She said. “So you’ll be fine for money if you need to give up work for a while.”

Ella grinned.

“no chance we’ll work around him.”

Jennie grinned.

“You’ll be lucky. He’ll be a miniature Mike you know. All brains and stroppiness!”

Ells chuckled.

“Now if for any reason I can’t tell anyone his name is Roman Michael Addison.” She said.

Ella looked at her and saw a tears slip down her face.

“Jennie you’ll make me cry.” She said to her.

Jennie nodded and grinned.

“I have to say I like this new you.” She murmured wiping at her tears. “You seem more human.”

Ella grinned.

“Oh my god was I a robot?” she muttered.

Jennie shook her head.

“Don’t be daft sweetie you were all bottled up inside. Now you are softer and I dare say a lot happier.”

Ella grinned.

She took hold of her hand and sat on the side of her bed.

“I’m in love. You knew it had to happen sometime.” She explained.

“Yeah but I wish it wasn’t a soldier. Nothing against your Roman, especially after what he did but I want someone to provide a home for you.” She said softly.

She lifted her other hand and stroked Ella’s hair gently.

“You deserve it.” she added.

Ella started crying.

“He will take care of me.” She said.

“Tell me again.” Jennie begged.

Ella sat in the chair by her bed.

“We were rushing not looking where we were going and slammed into each other. He grinned at me and my knees went weak. I swear his eyes melted the clothes off my body and well he wasn’t wearing a lot. I gasped and then remembered that I had my camera with me and I checked it out because I needed to get some control back. He looked at me and we spoke. His voice, well it made my heart flutter. You are right I’ve never felt like this before.”

Ella paused and looked at the other woman.

“I’m listening, I’ve just got my eyes closed is all.” Jennie grinned. “Go on.”

Ella chuckled softly before speaking again.

“We decided to get a coffee and I invited him to my tent not even thinking straight. Well halfway through saying my name Mike showed up and point blank told me not to date anyone.”

“Pigheaded. Always was.” Jennie said.

Ella grinned.

“Yup. So anyway we started a date and he kissed me.” She smiled. “My toes curled and I felt as though someone had set me on fire.”

Jennie laughed and Ella was struck by how weak her laugh sounded compared to her former laughter. She wiped at another tear that escaped.

“Well I went to meet Mike and he introduced us. We looked at each other in horror. After that we dated in secret. Those kisses turned into cuddles. And he would sometimes stay overnight just holding me all night.”

“And more.” Jennie said.

Ella blushed and couldn’t speak for a minute.

“It was wonderful.” She said finally and looked at Jennie smiling at her.

“Good.” She said. “I hope you were safe because you know what can happen.” She joked and put her hand on her belly.

Ella giggled.

“Oh yes. I mean we slipped up once when the condom broke but everything was ok.” She smiled. “not that it would be a problem because.” She stopped when she saw that Jennie had fallen asleep. “Because I would love to have his babies.” She finished in a whisper.

She lent over and kissed Jennie gently on the cheek and moved silently out of the room.

[TelephotoMarigold]

She held on to Jennie and helped her walked to the graveside. She kept her arm around her throughout the service and stayed as long as Jennie wanted to. She saw her dad struggling with her mother and she gave him a small smile and saw him acknowledge it with a nod. They left and it was just her and Jennie for a long time.

“We should go.” Jennie said finally.

Ella nodded.

“He’s not here Jennie he’s waiting for us you know.” She murmured.

Jennie grinned.

“I know. I just needed to say goodbye.” Jennie wiped at her tears and let Ella take her back to the hospital.

She looked at how pale Ella was and smiled.

“When are you planning to tell me?” she said quietly moving back into the hospital bed.

“Ouh, not today anyway.” Ella grinned.

“You are aren’t you?” Jennie guessed.

Ella nodded.

“Five different tests can’t be wrong.” She said sinking slowly into the chair by her bed.

“Five?” Jennie questioned taking off her headscarf and retying it.

“Well the first one I wanted to be wrong so I did the second one then when that was positive I couldn’t’ believe it. I was sort of happy then. But then I got all worried and took another one thinking that maybe it was a false positive” she blushed. “And then well it just sort of went on like that.”

“Has he contacted you?” Jennie asked.

Ella shook her head.

“Not a single phone call or letter.” She said softly. “I expected something but well he could be off doing something we aren’t supposed to know about.”

“Are you happy?”

Ella nodded.

She put her hand on her still flat belly.

“It’s wonderful isn’t it.” she said to Jennie. “I know why you chose to stop the treatments and have the baby Jennie.”

Jennie smiled.

“Well you understand more than your pigheaded brother did.” She said with a smile.

Suddenly from out of nowhere came the tears that she had been bottling up.

“Oh Ella how am I going to cope without him?” she moaned.

“I know.” Ella said.

She climbed on to the hospital bed and put her arms around her and held her sister in law letting her cry.

Roman put down the phone. Once again he had been given the run around. No, Liz wasn’t there, no there was no message for him, and no she had no idea when her daughter would be back. Yes she knew that he was calling long distance.

He swore and made his way back to the bar to have a drink.

There was still no word on his leave and day after tomorrow he was out on another mission. He looked over at his men and went to sit with them.

“No word from our girl?” Jacko asked.

Roman shook his head.

“Who is our girl?” Mark asked.

He was Mike’s replacement. They had worked with him before but he’d spent the last 6 months on numerous training courses back in Australia and there was something different about him.

Pete looked at Jacko before he spoke.

“Mike’s sister.” He said not giving the added detail that she was the LT’s almost wife.

Jacko grinned at the stupid lovesick expression on the LT.

“Jacko if you have a comment. You better make it now.” Roman muttered catching the grin.

“Not me LT.” He murmured. “Wouldn’t dare. She isn’t here but she would know. I don’t know how but she would know!”

Roman grinned.

“Yeah, I don’t know how she does that either.” He chuckled.

Jacko drained his glass.

“Your round.” He said to Mark.

Mark looked round them and got the next round in.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Ella boarded the flight to the UK using the last of her savings to pay for the ticket. Jennie had convinced her to go and tell him in person and she been cleared by her doctor to make the trip. She had her backpack with three changes of clothes and her camera. She would travel from London Heathrow to another airbase and some Brits who owed her a favour were giving her a lift on the back of one of their transport planes. It wouldn’t be the same location as him but she had her press pass so should be able to pick up a corresponding flight from someone in country. She was nervous at how he would react and just wanted to see him again.

The flight stopped over in Singapore and she got off and stretched her legs. Next time she made this trip it would be in first class she told herself. A meal of cheese and tomato pizza settled her stomach and she climbed back aboard with the rest of the weary travellers. She got a blanket and pillow and put her music on to shut out the rest of the passengers.

Her mother had threatened to disown her when she had told them she was pregnant. Saying that an abortion was the only alternative. Even going as far as, no, she wouldn’t think about that. But she was ok and Jennie was right she needed to see him even if it was just to look in his eyes again. She knew the baby would have his eyes. They were so clear and blue. She thought about him as she finally drifted into an exhausted sleep.

Roman led the patrol. He felt like there was something off about this mission and put it down to his uneasiness about not getting hold of Ella. He motioned for the men to stop and looked out scanning the horizon. A trickle of sweat ran down his neck and he told himself this was responsible for the hairs standing up on the back of his neck. He pulled out the map and checked where they were. To the left of him was a range of mountains and to the right a deserted village. They were to head for the village and await further orders. He checked his watch they were well ahead of where they needed to be so he motioned for his men to take ten. He looked into the bright blue sky and saw a scattering of clouds. He wondered where Ella was and if she was ok.

Ella hired the rental car and made it to the airbase with only an hour to spare before her flight went. She spent a proportion of it throwing up. A friendly load master held her hand through part of the trip when it felt like she would die. He poured water down her telling her she had to stop herself getting dehydrated especially in the early part of the pregnancy. She grinned at him and he murmured bashfully that he was father to three so he recognised the signs. As soon at the plane landed he got her off and into seeing a medic before she went to find the next ride. She found a NATO chopper willing to have her along for the ride and sat quietly in the back praying that the nausea would stop long enough for her to drink some more water. As soon as she landed she made it to her tent and collapsed on the bed and slept for 16 hours.

Roman and his men landed aback at base. None of them spoke or made eye contact with each other. He didn’t know how he knew but suddenly he looked up and saw Ella standing there. His first impulse was to run to her and take her in his arms but lowered his head unable to taint her with what he’d done. His heart thudded when he saw her. He'd wanted nothing more than to hold her and feel her pressed against his heart, but he couldn't accept sympathy after what he'd done. He couldn't let her be with him because he was a murderer. He turned away from her unable to face what he'd done. Unable to accept the comfort she was offering him.

Roman found his way into the barracks he shared with his men. They looked at each other briefly, before he looked away and still didn't speak. He went to his locker and took out a bottle of whisky. The locker wouldn't shut afterwards and in his grief and rage he slammed the door shut once, twice, numerous times. Each time it flew back open until he screamed and yanked it out of the barracks and threw it into the compound.

He sank onto his bunk and buried his head into his hands. It was then that one of his men, Jacko had picked up the bottle and opened it. He took a drink and handed the bottle to the next man.

"To fallen comrades!" he said.

Roman raised his head and watched as each man in turn did the same until the bottle was handed to him.

"To fallen comrades!" he’d toasted weakly.

Then to his amazement they each walked up to him in turn and saluted. He accepted the gesture of respect but inside he felt hollow and ashamed. He was their leader and he should have made more of an effort to change what had happened. It was down to him and he would never forget it.

Ella walked up to Jacko and smiled sadly.

“He’s still in there.” Jacko muttered gesturing to the bar where Roman was on a three day drinking session. “He knows you are here girlie I don’t know what to tell you.”

She nodded.

“I have something really important to tell him Jacko and I’m running out of time.” She said with a grimace.

“Really?” he asked, putting 2 and 2 together.

She laughed.

“Yes. You devil.”

Jacko grinned.

“Right I’ll get him out for you and pour coffee down his neck. I make no promises.” Jacko said softly.

She nodded and leaned forward to hug the other man.

“Thank you.” She told him, turning and walking back to her tent.

She lay down on the bed and once more fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

Roman woke up and groaned. The room was still spinning and he could swear that his mouth was filled with sand. He looked to see Jacko standing near him with a cup of black coffee and he reached for the cup. Jacko had to catch hold of his ahdn and put the cup into it. The other man swore, as he had to hold it there because Roman’s hand was shaking so much. He raised it to his lips and drank it down feeling like he was going to hurl it straight back up.

“LT can I suggest that Tequila isn’t your drink.”

Roman groaned weakly and lay back on his pillow.

“Especially mixing it with whisky.” Pete added.

They grinned as Roman went a shade of green.

“More coffee,” he told them, his voice sounding like he had gargled with razor blades.

Jacko poured the strong coffee out and handed Roman the cup again. This time he didn’t need to help the LT drink it.

“She is here isn’t she?” he asked.

“No you were hallucinating.” Jacko told him.

Roman gave him a scathing look and held out the cup for more coffee.

“I think he’s sobering up.” Pete told Jacko.

“Great, Get you ass in the shower LT because that girl has worried herself sick over you.” Jacko ordered him.

Roman nodded and then groaned as the room started spinning again. He stood up and grabbed his wash stuff.

“Where did my locker go?” he asked them followed by. “Never mind.”

He ran to the shower block and stood under the hot spray for the maximum time before it turned to lukewarm and finally punishably cold.

He went back to the barracks and dressed in clean clothes not bothering to shave before heading to find her. Her tent was empty. The bed was stripped. There was no sign of her stuff. She was gone.

He went back to the dorm and looked at Jacko.

“Lt?” he asked.

“She’s gone.” He said softly.

Jacko’s face fell.

“No she wouldn’t just leave not after coming all this way.” He said and looked at Pete.

“Well she did. Maybe it’s for the best.” Roman told them.

[TelephotoMarigold]

To Ella’s surprise it was her mother that collected her from the hospital and took her home. She was put in her bedroom and slept for the first day. Then she woke up and tried to go downstairs only to find the door was lock. She hammered at it for a time but exhaustion washed over her and she went back to bed. The next time Ella woke up she was in a different room.

“Hello My dear.” She heard.

She blinked.

“Where am I?” she asked.

“St Stephens hospice.” She was told.

She looked for the owner of the voice and a Nun approached the bed and helped her sit up. She placed a cup to her lips and Ella gratefully took a drink of water.

“Why am I here?” she asked quickly.

“Your mother brought you to us Elizabeth. You are here to have your baby.”

Ella shook her head.

“No, this is a dream.” She stated. “It’s wrong. I had a miscarriage.”

The nun nodded.

“You were misdiagnosed Elizabeth. You had a bleed and got an infection. They sent you home and when your mother found you were pregnant she sent you here so we could take care of you.” The Nun said patiently. “We tell you this all the time.” The Nun caught hold of Ella’s hand and placed it on her belly. She felt the baby and it pressed against her hand. She could swear that it was a foot kicking her. She smiled weakly.

“How is Jennie?” she asked.

“She is ok. She had her baby, a boy. You saw him.”

Ella nodded although she didn’t remember.

“Why is it all hazy?” she asked.

“Because you are on medication for your blood pressure. That’s why you are here.” She was told.

Ella nodded. She could just remember being told that her blood pressure would have to be monitored.

“Water?” she asked.

The Nun held the cup to her lips and she drank some more before she saw the door open and the Doctor came in. She looked at him seeing a stern face and decided she didn’t like him.

He looked at her chart and examined her.

“I think we need to monitor her for the next 24 hours and be prepared to deliver the child.”

“She is 27 weeks Doctor.”

He nodded.

“I know the risks but she is getting worse.” He said.

Ella drifted back to sleep.

She woke later to a feeling like a huge pressure in her belly.

“What’s happening? “She asked.

“It’s all right the baby has decided to come.” The Nun told her.

She looked at her.

“What baby?” she said.

“Yours my dear.” She was told. The nun took a cloth and wiped the beads of moisture form her forehead.

She looked down and saw a white sheet covering her belly. It looked huge. She felt a gush between her legs and wetness on her thighs. She raised frightened eyes.

“Your water just broke it’s normal.” The Nun said softly. “We will need you to push soon will you do that my dear.”

Ella looked up.

A tearing pain went through her.

“Oh god.” She moaned.

“It’s normal.” She was told. “Take a breath like this.” The Nun demonstrated “and then pant.”

Ella did.

“That’s it.” she was told.

She felt the pains come again and she took a breath and panted through it. It didn’t seem so bad. It lasted for hours until she was exhausted.

“No more please.” She begged.

The nun chuckled.

“Nearly there dear. When it comes now we want you to push.” She said.

Ella looked at her.

“How?” she asked.

She heard laughter.

“You’ll know.” She was told.

The pain tore across her again, robbing her of breath.

“Push.” She was told.

Ella screamed as she bore down. She felt her body give way in a magical way and the baby started to enter the world.

“Again.”

She nodded.

The baby was born and whisked away before she could see it.

“Please.” she said softly.

“Sorry my dear. You are giving the baby up for adoption. This is for the best”

Ella shook her head.

“No!” she screamed. “My baby.”

“It is ok..” the Nun told her.

Ella began sobbing.

The Nun leaned forward.

“It’s a girl.” She said softly. “She’s ok. She’ll have a lovely family.”

Ella tried to stand up and move to claim her baby. She was restrained and felt the prick of an injection in her arm. Then she felt nothing as darkness washed over her.

She woke up in her bedroom.

“You’ve had a dream.” Her mother said and gave her a drink. It had a bitter aftertaste and she sank slowly into blackness again.

Ella awoke when she heard the baby crying. She stood up and moved over to the crib and picked up her nephew. She looked over and saw Suzanne come out of her room.

“I’ll get his bottle.” She said grinning.

Ella followed her to the kitchen and cuddled him.

“Did you have the dream again?” Suzanne asked her.

Ella nodded.

“Why?” She asked quickly.

“You were crying then I heard this one start up.” She looked at little Roman.

“It’s so vivid.” She said.

Suzanne nodded.

“You were very ill when you came back.” She murmured handing over the baby’s bottle.

Ella began feeding him.

“Jennie only saw you a half dozen times before...” Suzanne broke off. “Before she died.”

“I miss her too but we have this little one.” She said looking down into his face. “He will do her proud.”

Suzanne nodded.

“Here I am still a mess when you’ve lost so much more. At least we have their son”

Ella looked at her.

“Sorry you aren’t a mess and you have to be thankful for what you have.” She said. “And trust me there are days I feel like screaming.”

“Why don’t you write to him?” Suzanne said meaning her Roman.

“One day.” Ella murmured. “I need to take care of this one for a while.”

[TelephotoMarigold]

Ella walked into Papa Joe’s holding on to Little Roman’s hand as he walked slowly beside hre. Her eyes scanned the darkened bar until she caught sight of Joe sitting at one of the tables with Jacko. She went over there, picking up the little guy and carrying him on her hip.

“Hey.” She said and lent over to give Joe a kiss.

“How’s the little man?” Joe asked.

“I is fine.” He lisped and offered Joe his truck that he had been clinging on to for the past day having decided it was his favourite.

“Oh my god Ella!” Jacko exclaimed.

She looked at him and smiled.

“No, this is Mike’s kid. “ she said a hint of sadness in her voice.

“Mike and Jennie. Both of them?” Jacko asked.

Ella nodded.

“That must have been rough.” He commented.

Ella nodded once more.

“Enough of that. Let’s get the elephant out of the way. How is he?” she smiled.

“Roman is ok.” Jacko said finally. “In Iraq at the moment.”

“I is Roman.” Little Roman stated. “I not in rack.” He added puzzled.

She smiled.

“Mike and Jennie called this one Roman.” She pointed out to Jacko when he looked at her. “So I can’t really escape him can I?” she grinned.

“Girlie.” He said softly.

She shook her head.

“I know what you are going to say and he has my contact details Jacko. I’m not hard to find if he wants to.”

He nodded and took a sip of his beer.

Joe brought over some more beers and they settled down to talk about Mike and the old days.

“I take it James came out?” she asked in a quiet moment.

Jacko nodded.

“Yeah, still can’t please his wife though!”

“Jacko please I have a 3 year old here!” she grinned covering Little Roman’s ears.

Jacko let out one of his famous belly laughs.

“I’ve missed you girlie. We all have.” He stated when he sobered.

She tugged out her wallet and handed over her business card.

“You or the guys want anything and I mean anything I want you to get in touch.” She told him.

Jacko nodded solemnly.

“If you can’t get hold of me then contact Papa Joe.” She grinned.

“Papa?” Jacko questioned.

“Yeah, my adopted dad.” She looked over at the older man standing the other side of the bar.

“He was in my Dad’s unit.” She murmured.

Jacko smiled.

“So you think about him at all?” he asked finally and they both knew he meant the other Roman.

She turned and looked at him.

“Only every minute of every day.” She looked at her son. “And sometimes it doesn’t hurt.”

Jacko leant over and patted her hand.

She smiled and pressed a kiss to the top of her son’s head. It was then Jacko noticed the glint of silver round her neck and she blushed when she caught the direction of his gaze. She checked that the dog tags were firmly hidden by her blouse.

“You should write to him Girl.” He pointed out.

She shook her head.

“I’ve got this one to take care off and I need to live a little.” She looked at Jacko. “I will one day.”

He grinned.

“I’ll take care of him for you.” He promised.

“I know you will. But hell Jacko, who is going to take care of you?” she grinned.

“No swearing in front of the little one.” Jacko frowned at her.

“My ‘irst word was crap.” Little Roman pronounced proudly and the two adults laughed.

“That isn’t true Roman your first word was egg fried rice.” She told him.

He looked up at her.

“Dinner.” He said hopefully.

She nodded.

“Ok my little man we’ll go get dinner.” She stood and put him on the floor before leaning over to Jacko. “Take care.” She said smiling at him and leaned forward and kissed him.

He watched as she collected the boy and moved away.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Roman stood outside the bookshop and looked at the display. He read the details again but still couldn’t really take them in. He looked at his reflection in the glass and sighed. His hair was long and he had a beard. His clothes were creased and shabby looking. He turned away and walked a few shops down and went in picking out trousers and a shirts and even a couple of new T Shirts. He took his bags with him and made his way to a barber where they took one look at his hair and reached for the razor. He laughed and told them to go ahead. His hair was gone in minutes, replaced by a pristine cut and he looked and took the trimmer and disposed of the beard.

He went back to his van and drove a little way away to a hotel, checking in and going up to a room he took a long shower. When he looked in the mirror afterwards he was surprised at how good he felt. He put it down to being clean and relaxed and not about to see Ella for the first time in seven years. He wondered if she would recognise him and whether she would remember. He built up no hopes that she would be single after all these years but maybe he could persuade her to have a coffee with him so they could catch up. He moved out of the room and went down the stairs as opposed to the lift, needing an alternative excuse for his increased heartbeat.

He caught a taxi out the front of the hotel and made his way back to the bookshop. There already was a crowd proving how popular she was. He picked up one of her books and flicked through it before the subject matter caught his full attention. It was a pictorial essay on the English Lake district. He grinned remembering Wordsworth was from there. He stood in line and waited. Eventually he saw her. Her hair was short and he grimaced, although the pixie look suited her as much as long hair. Her eyes were still the same, he noticed stepping forward with all the others in the line.

Suddenly he saw her turn her head and look at someone. She grinned at something they said to her and stood up to give him a kiss. Roman groaned and took a deep breath. She seemed happy and he felt as though he had no right to disrupt that. He breathed out and felt a wash of panic come over his. Stumbling he moved in line again before deciding that this was a stupid idea and he left the line moving over to the till to pay for the book.

“Sir.” The assistant murmured. “If you can’t wait for the author to sign it we do have a number of books that she has inscribed.”

He grinned.

“Ok I’ll take one of those.” He said suddenly needing to have some part of her.

The assistant smiled at him and placed the book in a bag and added some complimentary postcards and a bookmark. He puled out his wallet and paid for it picking up the bag and moving away out of the shop. He took a last look at Ella before leaving and heading back to the hotel. He emptied the bag on the bed and looked at the collection. There were postcards and a bookmark with a quote from Wordsworth on it. He looked a this kitbag before moving over to the chair where he’d dumped it earlier and dragged out the clothes before putting his hand on the book and pulling it out. He looked at it. The Spine had been torn and he’s repaired it with tape a couple of times and there were some loose pages. He ran his finger down the edge of it and opened it reading the first line she’d written. He sighed and moved over to the bed and opened the book he’d just bought. He ran his fingers over the writing and sighed, feeling like an idiot for not going up to her. He turned the pages and looked at the pictures. She had captured the beauty of the place and the haunting quality of the pictures would stay with him for a long time.

He moved away from the bed and picked up the room service menu and selected some food. He ordered and tided up his clothes while he waited for the food to be delivered. Digging back into his kit bag he pulled out his old address book. He found the number he wanted and dialled.

“Hello Natalie.” He said when he heard her voice. He spoke for a few minutes and then she handed the phone over.

“Hey Nicole this is your Dad.” He said softly, his voice breaking with emotion. “I’d like to come and see you if that is ok?”

[TelephotoMarigold]

He stood nervously on the pavement outside the house. Taking a deep breath he walked up the garden path and knocked on the door.

“Roman.” Natalie greeted him opening the door.

She stepped back and let him in.

He checked out the surroundings by habit.

“She’s in her room at the minute. Do you want a drink?” Natalie asked walking over to a bar in the lounge and pouring out a gin and tonic for herself.

He shook his head.

“Not for me.” He declined.

“Take a seat for gawds sake Roman I’m sure we can be civil.”

He looked at her and the old feelings welled up in him and he had to breath in and out slowly to release the aggression.

“Yes, we can be civil.” He bit out.

She looked at his face.

“It was my parents.” She said.

He shook his head.

“Natalie it doesn’t matter. I’m not here for an explanation I’m here to see my daughter.” He murmured.

She nodded and took a long swallow of the drink before moving to the sofa to sit next to him. He felt as though he should move but the thought of how that would look to her stopped him. He eased away slightly so his body was at an angle to hers and not side by side.

“What kind of stuff is she into?” he asked her.

“Oh all sorts.” Natalie said airily. “Clothes shopping boys.”

He looked at her and made a move towards the mantelpiece where some pictures were. He looked at them in detail when Nicole walked in. He saw his daughter for the first time in years and sighed. She was a miniature version of Natalie.

“Hey there.” He said.

“Your Roman?” she asked.

He nodded.

“Well I’m ready. Where are we going?” she said quickly.

“Darling.” Natalie began.

Nicole looked at her mother.

“We need to go.” She said forestalling what her mother might say.

Roman looked at Natalie.

“I’ll have her back in a couple of hours.” He stated.

Natalie nodded and watched them go.

Nicole frowned as she caught sight of his van.

“It works.” He said dryly.

“So what are you?” she asked.

“At the moment nothing.” He grinned.

“So you are unemployed.” She muttered.

“Sort of.” Roman grinned at her. “I haven’t decided what I want to do next.”

He pulled up outside a hotel and handed the keys over for the car to be parked by the valet. He took her to the restaurant and saw that they were given a table overlooking the harbour.

“So tell me about Nicole.” He said once they were seated.

The waited came over and handed them menus and he ordered two soft drinks for them despite her pout.

“Well I like clothes.” She began and looked over at one woman sitting away off. “For example she’s wearing last season’s Prada.”

He smiled at her.

“And school?” he asked. “I know a very boring topic.”

“It’s fine. Natalie has me enrolled in this fancy school.” Nicole shrugged.

Roman looked at her and hid his smile. Despite the fancy clothes and the high maintenance exterior there was more of him in her than she realised.

They talked some more over the very nice food before he looked at his watch.

“I have to get you back.” He said to her.

She looked at him.

“Are you going to come and see me again?” she asked when they pulled up outside the house.

He looked at her.

“Yes. I don’t know where I’m going to be yet but I’ll get a phone and give you the number. We’ll sort out times for visits.” He said to her and saw her smile briefly before she stepped out of the car and ran up the path.

He waited until she was inside the house before he started the van and drove away. He went back to the hotel and into his room. He switched the tv on and watched some mindless programming for a while then got up and pulled on his running kit before heading out for a long run. He found himself outside a phone shop and grinned when he saw a pink phone with dimantes across the cover spelling out the word Princess. He thought it was fate so he went in and bought it plus one for himself. He took them back to the hotel and took a long shower before he spent the rest of the night testing out the features on his phone.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Natalie complained when he presented Nic with the phone. He explained that she could use it to talk to her friends but it would only have $30 a month top up on it and if she used more than that she had to provide the money to top it up. She’d played it cool over the whole Princess thing but in a weak moment she’d hugged him and giggled.

He took her out a number of times to see movies, shopping, which seemed to be Nic’s favourite pastime and was more exhausting than parts of his army training, and dinners. He’d used the camera on his phone to snap a picture of them and then gone to a PhotoShop and they had printed off a couple of copies for him. He put one in a frame and decided it was time to settle down. He drove up the coast and found a place called Summer Bay.

“I haven’t tasted Mousaka like that before.” He found himself saying to the woman who’d served him, after stopping for something to eat in a diner. He asked about the recipe and was told that the secret was in the use of cheese. He’d grinned and talk had moved on. She was looking for someone to buy her out. Before he knew it she’d given him a two-week trial and he was on his way to settle down. He found a place to live and moved in. The first thing he unpacked was a photo of him and Nic. He put it near the table in the kitchen knowing he would spend more time in there than anywhere else in the house.

Finally came the day that he thought would never happen, expecting someone else he answered the knock at the door.

“It’s like 400 degrees out there!” Nicole said to him and Morag Bellingham who was staying with him.

He blinked in shock at seeing her there.

Morag had turned round and said in shock.

“Who’s this?”

“I’m his daughter.” Nicole replied and then looked over at Morag and back at him. “Oh My God,” she said, “if this is your girlfriend then we have a serious talk.”

He’d stood unable to believe that it was her standing in front of him. Morag’s reply was classic and thinking of it afterwards always brought a smile to his face.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Ella looked at Jacko’s face.

“You can’t be serious.” She said to him.

“We are girlie.” He said. “We aren’t going to let you get in touch with him.”

“And how are you going to stop me?”

“We have our ways. Pete here is going to sit on you until you realise it’s not a good idea.”

Pete gave him a look.

“As much as I don’t want to be involved Jacko does have good reasons.” He said.

She folded her arms across her chest.

“Ok what are the reasons?”

“Well he’s avoided all contact with us for years. He doesn’t want to know about those days.” Jacko began. He looked over at Pete who nodded and he went on, somewhat bravely. “And well you don’t seem to have moved on yourself, still unmarried with little Roman.”

She choked on her drink.

“I’ve had relationships.” She muttered defensively.

“How many?” Jacko said quickly.

“Well…. “ she said and sighed. “Two. But they were both serious.” She murmured.

“So in what a dozen years you’ve…” Jacko shook his head.

“Ten years and they were intense relationships. Who made you my “other” brothers?” she asked.

Jacko grinned.

“You did.” He told her with a grin.

She shook her head.

“Fine so what you think I’m going to fall over on my back when I see him.”

Pete and Jacko looked at each and smirked.

“Not like that.” She muttered. She stood and went over to the bar and collected some more beers. As usual they were in Papa Joe’s. She’d just about stopped blushing when she got back to the table.

“And how are you going to feel if you see him with somebody?” Pete asked softly.

She looked over at him.

“I reckon I’ll be upset for a bit but first off I’m not doing this for me. Roman wants to know about his dad.”

“I reckon you can tell him about Mike. Unless there is something you aren’t telling me.” Jacko grinned.

She blushed again.

“Roman was always referred to as Little Roman’s other dad. He wants to meet him. And he isn’t really little anymore.” She added the last with a sigh. “He’s being a handful and I can’t cope with him.” she murmured finally.

“So you think Roman can?” Jacko muttered. “Hell, this is confusing, from now on Big Roman is called Hardcore and your Roman is called Roman.” He told them. “And don’t think I didn’t notice that look when I called him Big.” He said to her and she blushed again.

“See its this. You are still affected by him Ella.” Pete told her.

She shook her head.

“Can you call me Liz please? I keep asking you.”

Pete and Jacko looked at each other and shook their heads.

“Nope you is still Ella.” Jacko grinned.

“Fine well maybe I need to put the past to bed.” She said and then dropped her head into her hands as they laughed at her.

“This is worse than having a conversation with a three year old.” She told them.

Jacko looked at her a serious expression on his face.

“We think it will be a bad idea for you to pitch up in Summer Bay. He’s not come to terms with his past. We don’t want you hurt.” He murmured. “He never did reply to your letter did he?” Jacko referred to the letter she had sent Roman years ago explaining the situation to him and asking him to get in touchwith her.

She shook her head before she took a drink of her beer.

“Fine I can accept your reasons.” She said finally. “If I have to.” She added.

She looked at them.

“But don’t think I’m going to pay you for finding out where he is after this.” She said referring to the detective agency James and Pete had set up. With Jacko working for them.

Pete and Jacko looked at each other.

“I’ll just refer you to our other partner.” Pete said to her. “They will chase up bad debtors and you better watch your step with them.”

She looked at him.

“What James? He’s a pussycat.”

Jacko grinned.

“No that will be you.” Pete told her. “Since you won’t accept us paying the loan back we’ve given you some shares in the company. You can’t stop us, by the way its already legal and everything,"

She looked at him.

“You idiot.” She muttered and looked away as tears welled up in her eyes.

He pushed an envelope over the table and she took it looking inside briefly and seeing the legal paperwork.

She lifted her beer and toasted them.

When she got home she looked up directions to Summer Bay and booked a caravan to stay in.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Liz smoothed her hair back and tucked it behind her ears. She glanced at the note she had prepared in case she got no answer today when she knocked at the door today. She had on black jeans that were only slightly faded and a neat pink blouse. She'd knocked on Kirsty's door at half seven this morning to borrow an iron because the blouse needed pressing. It was only when her son caught her using it and laughing in surprise that she acknowledged how nervous she actually was. Still the blouse looked ok.

She climbed out of the car and stood looking at the house for a moment before making her way up the path to the front door. She paused again, and then shaking off last minute nerves she raised her hand and knocked. After a moment she knocked for the second time. Thinking that she would get no reply she pulled out the note ready to put it in the mailbox. It was then the door opened.

"Hello!" a voice said.

"Hi" she replied.

"Are you after Roman or Nicole?" she was asked.

Suddenly it felt as though a rocket exploded in her head. Roman could be married. Probably was married and of course it would be to someone named like Nicole. And here she was ready to disrupt his life. How could she do that to him?

"Erm." she said when her brain refused to think of anything better.

"Geoff who is it?" Roman called out.

"Er I have to go." Liz said and turned quickly on the path.

"Wait." Geoff called out.

She paused and half-turned as if to say something. Her eyes met with his blue ones and it felt as though the years disappeared.

"Hello Roman." she said at last.

"Oh my God Ella!" he cried and strode down the path to pull her into his arms.

"Er Roman.!" Geoff called. "I'd just like to point out that you are only wearing a towel."

Roman looked down and laughed.

"I was in the shower when you knocked." he explained to Ella. "But that’s not important. Come in." he half pulled her inside the house.

"I'll be off then Roman." Geoff called out although he suspected that neither of them heard him. He closed the door after him with a smile on his face.

"Right let me get some coffee started before I go get dressed." Roman said walking into the kitchen before moments later heading upstairs.

He'd led her to a sofa and she sat down. She looked causally around the room and glanced upwards when something caught her eye. The ace of hearts appeared to be sticking to the ceiling. She wondered why but Roman walked down the stairs at that moment and all thought ran out of her head.

He was wearing black combats and a black T-Shirt. The breath caught in her throat. For some reason that colour made him look more tanned and his eyes seemed bluer.

After a couple of moments in the kitchen he came back with a tray and the coffee.

"I wrote to you!" she blurted out the first thing that came into her head.

He reached into a pocket and pulled the letter out of his pocket.

"I only got it a while ago. I haven't opened it." he said.

"Oh!" she exclaimed.

They both took a drink of coffee.

She turned and looked at him.

"Ella I can't believe your here!" he said softly.

"I go by Liz now." she interrupted. She straightened up and pressed her frame to the back of the settee.

"Ok." he murmured. "Liz." He continued, testing out the name but had to admit it felt alien on his lips. “I think I prefer Ella somehow. What brings you here?”

She looked at him again, somehow she had to get the words out.

"I'm here because of Michael." she said.

His head snapped back.

"There is something you need to know." she continued bravely. She took a long swallow of the coffee and was surprised it was exactly how she liked it. How could he remember that detail after all this time she wondered? She looked at him and sighed, this was going to be harder than she thought. Why hadn’t her feelings faded after all this time she thought again. She took a deep breath and waited for him to speak.

Roman refilled his cup.

"I can't talk about those days!" he said softly.

"I'm sorry I don't mean to drag up the past but I'm in some trouble and I need your help!" she blurted out.

Roman looked up in surprise. He raised one eyebrow in that infamous look he had.

"This is so not going how I planned." she exclaimed.

"And how did you plan it?" he asked.

"Well for one thing you would have read my letter and got in touch with me for a start!" she snapped.

He placed the letter on the table in front of them.

"Obviously that hasn't happened." he said using a really calm voice on her. The one he used on Nicole when she broke her curfew or drove his car.

She frowned at the letter then at his tone of voice. "Ok. I have a son. His name is Roman and he is eleven." She blurted expecting him to connect the dots.

Roman paused in mid drink, his cup remained halfway between.

"Perhaps you'd like to add a few more details." he suggested at her flustered look.

A serious of random thoughts flittered across his brain. Son. Called Roman. Aged eleven. Exploding blood pressure. Heart attack. Remember to breathe.

"It’s in the letter." she said.

"I haven't read the flaming letter!" he finally exploded. "So just flaming well tell me!"

"I was beginning to. But not when you are shouting at me." She shouted back.

He raised that eyebrow again.

"Seriously?" he said with a smile.

They looked at each other and both burst out laughing.

“I hate that you can do that!” she exclaimed. “Get me so mad one minute and laughing the next.”

He smiled at her.

“Aside from the unopened letter, the hang over from drinking some horrible red stuff and the confession that it is possible I have a son this is turning into an interesting day!” he said with just a hint of sarcasm.

She moved over to sit next to him. She took hold of one of his hands. They looked at each other.

"He’s not your son.” She said first, then continued, telling herself she imagined the look of disappointment on his face. “You tried to save Michael’s life." She whispered. "I had to watch as you crawled into that mine field and try to pull my brother's body out."

They looked at each.

"Do you know how many times I've thought about that night and wondered how I could have been quicker or stronger and saved him." Roman whispered back, his voice hoarse. He wanted to jump up from the sofa and move around the room but knew this was just a response to the adrenaline from remembering those days.

And in that statement was the truth about why he hadn't wanted to open the letter because he had felt that he failed her.

"But you couldn't. I never blamed you." she squeezed his hand. "I never for one minute thought any less of you. Did you think I would?" She looked deep into his eyes.

"You didn't have to Ella, I blamed myself." He felt his eyes welling with unshed tears.

Neither of them noticed his use of Ella, the name he had known her by.

"Roman, you know that you can't save everyone." she whispered.

He looked at her for a long moment without speaking, then said. "I had to save him. How could you be with me if I didn't save your brother?"

She began to cry. The tears falling silent down her face.

"That's not why I left." she said softly, so softly he could barely catch the words.

She looked at him and hastily wiped the tears from her face.

"Michael's wife was pregnant and I had to bring his body home." she explained. "I came back briefly but we didn’t get a chance to see each other. There wasn't time for us to talk."

He squeezed her hand to let her know he was there.

"She became very ill very quickly and I had to leave again." Once more tears began to fall down her face.

"Go on." he encouraged softly.

"She died just months after giving birth to her son."

"You adopted him?" he questioned, surprised at the sharp stab of disappointment he suddenly felt. He'd never imagined he and Ella with a child but being presented with that possibility and then having it taken away in a matter of minutes caused all sorts of complicated feelings.

"More than that. She named him Roman Michael Addison." She looked at him. "He's always known about the two people he was named after and why." She explained.

Roman took a deep breath.

"After me?" he asked. "Why?"

"Because she knew you tried to save Michael, I told her what I could and then your commanding officer wrote and told her the rest of it." She said.

She looked down and saw that their hands were still clasped.

"He wants to meet you." she said simply.

"Of course." was his immediate response.

"It's not quite that simple though. He's going through a stage and having a bit of .." she trailed off.

"Attitude problem?" Roman asked with a laugh. "I think I could be used to that!" he said thinking of Nicole.

"How about we meet at the Diner in half an hour?" she suggested.

"Yes, no problem."

He let go of her hand and found himself cupping her face. His thumbs wiped away the last of her tears.

They looked at each other and he lowered his head until their lips met. Her kisses were as sweet as all those years ago and he suddenly felt feelings he thought long buried.

Suddenly she thought of the previously mentioned Nicole and pulled away sharply.

"Er... half an hour." she confirmed standing up and backing away.

He looked puzzled for a second but stood up and escorted her to the door.

"Ok, see you then." he said.

He leant forward to kiss her again but she turned her head at the last second and the kiss fell to her soft cheek instead. He watched her walk away and climb into her car. She paused for a moment behind the wheel then started it and drove away.

Roman turned and after closing the door he cleared up the coffee things and grabbed his phone and keys before heading out. Halfway down the path he turned and slipped back inside the house to pick up the letter. He still didn't know if he was going to read it, especially as she was here in the flesh but he felt better holding on to it.