If You Don't Wanna Love Me

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Thank you for the comment Suzanne

She’d called Gina. Her first instinct was to call her best friend Leah but she knew she had VJ to look after and it wouldn’t have been fair. Plus Gina was only next door so it made sense to ask if she would take her. “It’s bad news” Rachel whispered as she sat in the waiting room of the hospital desperately worried. Derek had greeted her the minute she stepped foot into the entrance of accident and emergency and had promised the consultant would be down to see her as soon as he’d finished with his patient. He hadn’t mentioned what consultant was coming to see her; she figured that was probably intentional so she couldn’t work out what might be wrong.

Gina grabbed her hand tightly; “Just wait to see what he says Rachel, don’t start speculating.”

“I want Tony here” Rachel cried as a single tear rolled slowly down her cheek. She was terrified. One of the down sides of being a doctor was that you knew when something was seriously wrong; the fact that she’d been called into the hospital in the early hours of the morning and that she was having to see a consultant were classic indications that she was about to receive really bad news.

“Oh Rachel” Gina breathed as she wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “Do you want me to call him for you?” she offered.

“No.” Rachel nodded her head furiously. “I don’t want the new Tony here I want the old one” she explained. “But he’s gone.”

Before Gina had a chance to reply, Derek appeared from around the corner clutching a hospital file close to him. “He’s ready to see you now Rachel” Derek greeted pointing her towards a side room. Rachel watched as Gina swiftly lifted Harry, who was sleeping soundly in his carry seat. She felt Derek’s hand on her back supporting her as she shakily walked towards the room, encouraging her as she tried to resist against entering the room. She felt sick and placed a hand on the doorframe to steady herself. “It’s ok” Derek assured as he placed his other hand gently on her arm and guided her into the room, giving a nod of acknowledgment to the smartly dressed consultant who was sitting on the edge of his desk. Rachel recognised him from when she’d had to refer a patient with suspected Hodgkin’s Lymphoma a few months ago.

“Oh God please no. Not cancer please” she cried her whole body beginning to shake. Everything started to swim in front of her eyes and she could hear herself breathing heavily. She didn’t even notice as Derek guided her to a chair.

“Mrs Holden, let’s just take one step at a time okay” the consultant suggested, lifting himself off of the table and moving a chair in front of Rachel.

“Don’t call me that” Rachel bit back; the sound of her married name causing a deep heartache. “My name’s Rachel” she added.

“I’m sorry Rachel. I’m Mr Wilson …”

“I know who you are.” Rachel replied quickly and shakily. “You’re the top Consultant Oncologist in the whole country.”

“Well I don’t know about top” he joked, trying to lighten the mood.

“What kind is it?” Rachel asked; desperate to find out what she was facing.

“It’s leukaemia” he answered bluntly. He knew that there was no way he would be able to ease her into the news gently. Rachel felt her breath catch in her throat, it felt like her whole world was crashing down around her and she was struggling to breathe. She’d realised it the second she saw him but actually hearing him say the words just made it real. She could feel Gina place an arm tightly around her shoulder and could hear her gently crying next to her. She knew she should probably be crying to but she couldn’t, she felt numb, like she wasn’t in her own body.

“What type is it?” she answered in an almost zombie like state as she lifted her head to meet his eyes.

“Well, we aren’t completely sure yet but we suspect it’s acute myeloid leukaemia” Mr Wilson replied, shocked. He was expecting her to cry, to scream at him and tell him that he was wrong. These were all normal and common reactions from the patients he usually dealt with. He hadn’t expected her to be so calm. “We need to do more tests which is why we called you in.” he continued, cautiously waiting for some reaction from her.

“What do you need me to do?” Rachel asked, as she forced a smile. She wanted to appear confident, she didn’t want her co workers to think she was scared or needed to be looked after.

“Well, Rachel why don’t I give you a bit of time – you can take as long as you need” Mr Wilson offered.

“I don’t need any time” she refused. “Gina will you …” As she turned her head to talk to her sister in law her eyes glanced over to her son who was lying peacefully in his car seat. She saw his fingers gently moving and could see his eyes darting around behind his eyelids; he was dreaming. Her hand flew to her mouth as she felt the tears she’d been waiting for force their way through her body to her eyes. She gasped for breath as she realised what she would be leaving behind; her beautiful little boy. She sobbed as she felt Gina draw her into a hug, her eyes fixated on her child. She was terrified; the thought of not seeing Harry grow up devastated her. “Harry needs me Gina” she shrieked, her hand reached out towards him as she choked on her sobs, the tears overwhelming her.

“Shhh, it’s going to be okay” Gina soothed as she rubbed comforting circles on back. “There’s lots of things they can do Rachel, you’re not going to die okay.”

“No you’re not. We’re going to look after you” Mr Wilson echoed as he moved to crouch in front of her. “Listen I’m not going to lie to you Rachel, you’re a doctor, there’s no point. Leukaemia is a life threatening illness, you know that. But I am going to do everything in my power to ensure you get every treatment available to you, I will not let you die. I will not let your son grow up without his Mum. That’s a promise.”

“Thank you Mr Wilson” Rachel smiled as she wiped her tears away, her breathing returning to normal.

“Call me Ryan” he winked. “Now were going to need to check your bone marrow to confirm our diagnosis. Is that ok with you?”

“Sure” Rachel nodded weakly, eager to get it over and done with.

“I’m going to call upstairs and check they’ve got a bed. I’ll be back in a minute.” As Dr Wilson exited the room with Derek following closely behind; Rachel sat up gently, pulling herself from Gina’s arms.

“They won’t let Harry on the ward so will you take him home please” Rachel asked, her eyes brimming with tears.

“I don’t want to leave you on your own.” Gina was struggling to hold back the tears and stay strong for Rachel but she was finding it so hard. She’d been here before. Her Mother had died after a long battle with leukaemia twenty years earlier and that’s why when she’d seen the bruising and Rachel spoke about the frequent nose bleeds; she’d known. “Let me call someone for you” Gina offered.

“I’ll be ok” Rachel replied monotonously as she shakily rose from her chair and crouched down to her son, her mind totally focused on him. Removing him from his car seat she held him to her chest and sat back on the chair; rocking him gently as he began to whimper. “Mummy’s gonna get better for you, I promise” she whispered in his ear. “Be good for your Auntie Gina bubba and I’ll see you really soon ok.” Tears began to fall from her eyes once again as she snuggled her face into his shoulder and kissed his head gently. “He likes to have his forehead stroked when he’s falling asleep” Rachel explained as she turned to face Gina. “And he always falls asleep half way through his bottle but if you just give it a little wiggle he’ll start drinking again so don’t worry.”

“Tony knows all this Rachel don’t worry” Gina assured her as she placed a comforting arm on her back. “I’ll give him a call when you’ve gone up to the ward.”

“Tony?” Rachel questioned. “No I don’t want him to know.”

“But, he’s going to find out sometime Rachel. You need someone to look after Harry and he’s going to get a bit suspicious if he stays with me don’t you think?”

Rachel realised that she hadn’t thought things through properly. All she knew was that she didn’t want Tony to know, she didn’t want him feeling sorry for her or faking sympathy. “Will you tell him that, I’ve had to go away for a few days? Say I had to go and visit Brad or something.”

“Rachel…” Gina started

“No Gina, promise me you won’t tell him. Please” Rachel begged. Gina hesitated. She thought Tony had a right to know, she didn’t want to lie to her little brother. But then again did he? He’d left Rachel for another woman and told her he didn’t love her anymore. Maybe he didn’t have the right to know.

“Okay. I won’t say anything.” Gina promised; looking up as Dr Wilson walked back into the room.

“They’ve got a bed free up there now Rachel” his voice boomed as he walked towards her and perched on the edge of the chair; Derek watching from the doorway. “We’re going to let you get some sleep and then do the test first thing in the morning. This little one can come and see you in the afternoon how does that sound?” he asked stroking Harry’s hair.

“That’s fine” Rachel smiled as she tightened her grip on her son. She knew she had to let him go but she was finding it so difficult. She’d never spent a night away from him before and the thought that someone else instead of her would be tucking him into bed broke her heart. “I love you sweetheart” she whispered into his ear as she breathed in his scent before reluctantly passing him over to Gina. Swallowing her tears and unable to look back she stood up from her chair and followed Mr Wilson out of the room. Gina watched her as she left; a concerned expression etched across her whole face. She hated to see her go through this on her own.

“Don’t worry, we’ll look after her” Derek promised; smiling sadly before following Rachel up to the ward.

Just a little note I wanted to put. I've tried to do as much research as I could about the leukaemia Rachel has and I hope throughout this story it's a realistic portrayal. If anyone's been affected by it or wants to correct or advise me either on something I put or should include feel free to say or PM me if you'd prefer. Well done flyingwithoutwings, I'm impressed how accurate your guess was!

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Oh....wow....soo many comments thank you all so much Charlene, Merli, flyingwithoutwings, Kirsty and Danni; it means a lot to me to hear back from you and all your in depth comments. I enjoy hearing what you did specifically like about the chapter so thank you for your support! Here's the next chapter!

Rachel squinted as she adjusted her eyes to the brightness of the room. She felt so groggy and had excruciating shooting pains running through the left side of her hip as well as a thumping headache. All she wanted to do was go back to sleep but the noise from the ward was so loud there was no chance of getting any rest. She looked around the room and her heart began thumping loudly in her chest with fear as she saw a reflection of her future. Patients were lying in their beds, their complexions deathly grey and most of them had lost their hair. She watched the patterns of their breathing; deep and slow; as if they were struggling to breath. Tears sprung to her eyes as she realised that there was a high possibility that in no time at all this was going to be her.

“Hey, you’re awake” a voice from her right called cheerfully. Turning her head slowly she saw her best friend standing by her bedside clutching two cups of coffee tightly in her hands.

“Leah, hey what are you doing here?” Rachel asked delighted to see a friendly and healthy looking face to distract her from her morbid thoughts.

“Gina told me everything. I couldn’t bear the thought of you being in here coping with this all on your own so I came up as soon as I heard” Leah replied, resting herself on the side of Rachel’s bed and placing her hand over hers. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I’ve had a giant needle thrust through my hip” Rachel joked, grabbing her side and wincing in pain.

“Well I spoke to Dr Young earlier and he said that the operation went well; they got all the bone marrow they needed from your hip bone. Results are going to take a few days though so as soon as you’re feeling up to it we can take you home and you can rest up there.” Leah explained, trying to sound as optimistic as possible. “Do you want me to ask if they can give you some more painkillers?”

“I’d rather have a milky coffee right now than a ton of painkillers that just make me feel drowsy and sick.”

“Ask and you shall receive” Leah exclaimed, holding a cup of coffee in front of her. Rachel grinned brightly but hesitated before taking it off of her.

“I had to sneak it in so drink it quickly” Leah ordered, blocking the view of the nurse’s station with her body. Rachel grabbed the coffee from her and smiled gratefully, gulping it down whilst keeping her eyes on the hospital staff, who were lurking outside of her room. “You are an amazing friend” she smiled in between sips, savouring the taste off the caffeine hit.

“Gina told me that you didn’t want to tell Tony.” Leah said. Rachel looked up from behind her take away cup and lowered it, smiling as Leah took it from her and rested it on her bedside table.

“It’s not going to do any good so I didn’t see the point” Rachel explained, playing uncomfortably with her thumbs.

“Well the good is that you get his support Rachel”

“I don’t need his support. His support means nothing to me ever since he left us” Rachel angrily replied. “I’m sorry” she quickly apologised. “I don’t mean to take it out on you I’m just angry with him.”

“I know you are” Leah smiled sadly rubbing her arm.

“I just don’t want him to be here when I know he doesn’t really want to be” Rachel explained, her bottom lip quivering as tears threatened to fall. “I don’t want him feeling sorry for me and it’s just too hard to be close to him at the moment. I love him so much but he’s hurt me; I’m just trying to move on Leah. I can’t do that if he’s here.”

“I understand that. You tell him in your own time ok” Leah agreed pulling a tissue from the box by the side of the bed.

“Thank you” Rachel smiled gratefully as she wiped her tears. “How long have you been here anyway?”

“A few hours or so, not too long” Leah answered. “Now Tony picked Harry up about an hour ago, he was absolutely fine. He woke up a couple of times in the night Gina said and was a little bit restless but he’s ok” she assured, hoping to alleviate the fear she knew Rachel would have.

“You don’t think he’s ill do you?” Rachel was concerned; Harry had been in a routine for a few months now and pretty much always slept through the night.

“No of course not I think he just misses his Mum that’s all” Leah replied. “Gina told Tony that you’d been called into work so he’s going to drop him back to yours later on. She thought you’d want him around when you got home.”

“Thank you so much” Rachel smiled gratefully. “Although does that mean I’m going to have to see Tony?” She’d suddenly realised that if Tony was dropping Harry back to her house then she’d have to see him; she didn’t know if she was ready.

“Yes but don’t worry I’m going to be there the whole time. Dr Young said you’ve got to have someone with you for 24 hours after the sedative they gave you to do the op so I’ve taken it upon myself to move into your house for the night.”

“Leah you don’t have to do that, you’ve got a family of your own”

“Rachel you’re my best friend, you are family” Leah emphasised. She’d been best friends with Rachel ever since they were in high school. They’d been through so much together; boyfriend troubles, exams stress and even marriage problems that she truly thought of her as a sister. Seeing her lying in a bed totally dependent on other people hurt her so much because she was usually so confident and strong; she didn’t think it was fair that after everything she’d been through recently with Tony that she was having to go through this to. “Come on; let’s get out of this place” she suggested. “Harry will be home in a few hours and he’ll be wanting to see his Mum.”

**************************

Tony smiled profusely as he held Harry’s hands and watched him bouncing in the sand. He was still slightly unsteady on his feet and couldn’t stand completely on his own but he was getting stronger; it made Tony’s heart swell with pride to watch him grow. “How’s your Mum doing mate?” Tony whispered sadly knowing full well his son was far too young to understand and respond. “Come here and give Daddy a cuddle” he added as he scooped Harry up in his arms and held him close to his chest, kissing his head. “I love you so much buddy, just because I’m not at home anymore doesn’t mean I don’t love you or your Mum okay?” Harry lifted his head up and gazed into Tony’s eyes as if he was waiting for an explanation. “I had to go Harry, I was too scared of losing you” Tony continued, kissing his son’s tiny fingers. “You’re not getting a word of this are you?” Realising he was wasting his time, Tony stood up slowly whilst slinging Harry’s bag over his shoulder with one swoop. “Let’s go see your Mummy” he suggested as he thought about making his way towards his home. His old home, he quickly corrected, shaking his head sadly.

Preview of next chapter:

Tony has something to ask Rachel; how will she react?

What heartbreaking decision does Rachel have to make?

[charmed60]

Thank you Danni and Charlene Here's the next chapter!

“I don’t want to see him Leah. I don’t know what to say” Rachel worried as her best friend fussed over her; giving her a cushion to rest her hip on and blanket to warm her up.

“You don’t have to say anything” Leah assured. “Just smile, thank him for bringing Harry home and hopefully he’ll leave straight away.” Rachel paused, pulling the blanket off of her and attempting to stand up.

“Hey sit back down, what are you doing? You’re meant to be resting” Leah exclaimed, fluffing the cushions.

“Yes and when Tony walks in and sees me all wrapped up and you all attentive he’s going to know something is up. I’ll just sit over here, I’ll be fine” Rachel assured, limping weakly over towards the kitchen table and gritting her teeth against the searing pain which was shooting through her hip.

“Okay” Leah relented. “But the moment he leaves you are going to sit right back here and eat a decent meal.”

“You’re so bossy” she laughed as a pang of sadness ran through her. As much as she loved Leah, she did really wish it was Tony who was the one fussing and looking after her. A knock at the door made her heart skip a beat as she looked up and saw him standing there with Harry in his arms. He looked away from her instantly and greeted Leah as she opened the door.

“Hi Leah” he remarked; smiling as Harry reached out his arms and struggled to get down when he saw Rachel. “Hang on buddy, don’t break my arm” he laughed as he placed Harry on the floor and watched him clumsily crawl over to Rachel.

“Hi sweetheart did you have a good day?” Rachel cooed as she carefully lifted Harry onto her lap; desperately trying not to let the agonizing pain she was in show on her face.

“I think he missed you Rach” Tony smiled as he saw Harry cling tightly to Rachel, burying his head in the crook of her arm. Rachel cringed; hearing Tony talk to her as if nothing had happened ran angry shivers through her body and she had to bite her tongue in order not to release a tirade of abuse at him.

“Thanks for having him on such short notice” she replied, deciding it best to ignore what he’d said and just focus on getting him out of her house.

“It’s not a problem, I love having him.” Tony realised Rachel wasn’t really listening to him and mournfully watched her tickling Harry, his tiny head thrown back in childish laughter. He so desperately wanted to be a part of it. “Actually there was something I wanted to ask you” Tony continued, growing increasingly uncomfortable as Rachel slowly looked up at him. He didn’t want to ask her but Kate had demanded he had to and he wasn’t to come home until she’d agreed.

“I’m going to see Lucas again next weekend and I, er, I wondered if I could take Harry. He mentioned how much he wanted to meet his little brother last time; I hope that’s ok…” Tony drifted, awkwardly waiting for an answer.

“So you wouldn’t let me take Harry to see Lucas but the minute Kate comes along you want to rush him up there straight away?” Rachel bitterly responded. She couldn’t believe that he would ask that; she was the one who was meant to be there when Harry met Lucas, not Kate. She felt like she’d been replaced and what hurt her the most is Tony didn’t even seem bothered.

“Rachel it’s not like that” Tony insisted. “It’s not that I wouldn’t let you it’s just we never had the time”

“Of course we had the time Tony” Rachel angrily responded before looking away. She realised this argument could go round in circles and she didn’t have the energy to fight. “You know what, forget it, it doesn’t even matter anymore. I don’t know if you can and that’s my only answer at the minute. Work is really understaffed and they’ve asked me to take on extra shifts, I might need you to take him for a few days next week and if that happens then I’ll want him for the weekend” Rachel added; impressed at how effortlessly she’d been able to fabricate an excuse for needing Tony to look after Harry.

“Well when will you know?” Tony interrogated, worried about what he was going to say to Kate when he got back to hers.

“I don’t know Tony. When I do, I’ll give you a call.” Rachel glared at Tony, not once taking her eyes off of him. She so desperately tried to understand the coldness she could see when she looked into his eyes; frantically trying to make sense of how they’d got to this point. As she watched him leave with his head hanging after waving goodbye to Harry, her attention turned to Leah.

“How dare he ask me that?” she fumed; reaching onto the floor for Harry’s blue bear which he had dropped in the excitement of being tickled.

“Here let me get that for you” Leah offered as she rushed over and handed the teddy to Harry.

“I’m sorry I know I probably shouldn’t have gotten so worked up but I was the one who was meant to go with him, to show Harry to Lucas” Rachel explained, her eyes becoming watery. “I am not going to let him and Kate play happy families with my son” she insisted, shaking her head with determination as tears dropped onto her lap.

“I know that it’s horrible to think of Kate spending time with Harry” Leah soothed as she took a seat opposite Rachel. “But you’re always going to be Harry’s Mum; she can’t take that away from you.”

“What if Harry grows up thinking she’s his Mum when I die Leah?” Rachel cried, the tears flowing faster down her face as she clung on tighter to her little boy.

“You are not going to die” Leah replied, chocking back tears herself. “And as much as you might hate Tony right now, you know he would not let that happen.”

“If I died tomorrow, he wouldn’t remember me. He wouldn’t know how much I love him and adore him, he’s too little” Rachel reasoned, looking down adoringly at her son.

“Rachel did you see the way he came crawling right over to you when he saw you? He loves you. And that’s why you have to fight every single day for your life. Don’t give up; for his sake okay?” Rachel nodded confidently. There was absolutely no way she was going to let her little boy grow up and not know how he was the absolute centre of her world.

*****************

Rachel carefully stepped down the stairs into her garden, clinging tightly to the basket of wet clothes she had thrust onto her hip. She knew that Leah would slap her wrists if she knew she was trekking across the garden to hang her washing out instead of just putting it in the tumble dryer; but she desperately needed something to take her mind off of the day she had ahead of her. Derek had called only a week after she’d had the bone marrow test and it had confirmed what they had feared; she had acute myeloid leukaemia. She hated the way they said it, as if she was no longer a person but a statistic instead; a guinea pig that they could now trial loads of untested but potentially cancer destroying treatments. They’d wanted to start the chemotherapy straight away which had most upsettingly to Rachel, left her with no choice but to let Tony take Harry with him to see Lucas. He’d arrived earlier and gushed about how grateful he was that she’d let Harry go and how it wasn’t a personal thing but something very important to Kate. She’d resisted against her immediate instinct which was to tell him that she couldn’t care less about his new girlfriend’s needs and instead smiled sweetly; saving her tears for when he’d closed the door. She knew she should think of it as a blessing; they estimated she’d need to stay in hospital for a couple of weeks and that was how long Tony was going to be down with Lucas for so it had actually worked out perfectly. But the thought of not seeing Harry for two weeks was literally breaking her heart and she had no idea how she was going to get through it. Hearing him giggle and seeing him smile every day constantly reminded her that couldn’t give into this disease which was plaguing her body and a tear slid down her cheek as she realised that all she had for the next two weeks were photographs and memories of him. She shook her head as if to symbolically remove the terrifying thoughts which were poisoning her consciousness. Memories and photographs might not be the same but she knew it would be enough to keep her fighting. She paused and rested her arms on the table close to the washing line, allowing herself time to catch her breath whilst she ran through in her head the list of things she’d need to take into hospital with her. Feeling satisfied that she’d remembered everything, Rachel began removing the wet clothes from the basket and hung them on the line, grabbing onto it as waves of dizziness passed over her whenever she looked up. She smiled sadly as she picked up from the pile one of Harry’s tiny pale blue baby grows he’d worn when he was first born. She’d originally wanted to keep all of his clothes and save them for the next baby her and Tony had been planning to have once Harry had started nursery. But she knew that was now no longer possible; not just because her and Tony were no longer together but because there was a very likely chance that the chemotherapy she was having today would make her infertile. She’d battled with the idea of having her eggs removed and frozen so that if she wanted another baby in the future; should she meet someone else; she had that option. But doing that would delay her treatment for another few weeks and she knew she couldn’t be selfish. She thanked God every day for Harry and had decided that he was enough of a blessing in her life; she didn’t need another child to make her happy.

Preview:

Who does Rachel find in her house leading to a showdown?

Kate goes to extreme measures

[charmed60]

Thank you so much Danni, Charlene and Kirsty for your lovely comments. I really do value every one I get! I hope you enjoy this next chapter.

“Kate, you could have stayed in the car, you really didn’t need to follow me in” Tony scolded as he let himself into his old home in a desperate bid to solve the cause of his son’s distress.

“Shh little man” Kate soothed, holding Harry close to her and rocking him gently from side to side. “Your Daddy’s grumpy this early in the morning isn’t he?” she whispered in his ear. Tony ignored her teasing comment and headed towards the back rooms, trying to be as quickly as possible in case Rachel came home. He knew how painful she had found it to say goodbye to Harry and was actually quite surprised she’d let him take him, so he didn’t want to cause her further distress by her seeing him again.“Hey sweetheart, what’s all this crying about huh?” Kate asked as she rubbed Harry’s back gently and kissed his forehead softly, breathing in his scent. “It’s okay, Mummy’s here.” It felt so strange to say it to him, but she wanted to be reminded of what it felt like. “It’s okay Jack Mummy’s here.” She couldn’t stop herself, she just wanted to live in a little bubble where Jack was still alive and she didn’t feel like she’d missed out on his whole life. She didn’t want Harry to replace Jack but she thought that if she could pretend that he was her son just for a second; she would be able to relive what it felt like. “It’s ok Jack, Mummy’s here” she repeated, relishing the sound of her words and smiling as a familiar feeling of maternal love rushed through her.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Rachel seethed as she stumbled into the living room thinking she was going mad from hearing Harry cry. “Give him to me” she cried as she rushed forward as quickly as her legs would carry her and tore her son from the arms of Tony’s new lover. She wrapped her arms protectively around him, never once taking her eyes off of Kate and backed away towards the kitchen.

“Rachel, I thought you’d gone to work” Kate smiled, a look of confusion spread across her face.

“What the hell do you think you’re playing at Kate?” Rachel asked, her eyes wide with shock. “Don’t you ever speak to my son like that again do you hear me? You’re not his mother, I am”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Rachel. Now calm down, you’re acting like you’re insane” Kate laughed, her arms waving animatedly in front of her.

“I’m insane?” Rachel shrieked, her hands covering Harry’s ears so that her loud voice wouldn’t scare him. “You just called my son Jack” Rachel shouted feeling absolutely terrified that Kate had even been standing in her house with her son in her arms in the first place.

“Hey hey what’s going on?” Tony boomed as he rushed through from Rachel’s bedroom. “Rach I thought you were at work?” he added, noticing immediately how Harry had calmed down.

“What so you thought you’d just let yourself into my house did you?”

“No it’s not like that, you forgot to pack Harry’s bear and he wouldn’t stop crying in the car, I didn’t think you’d mind, you know how much he loves that thing” Tony attempted to explain as he realised he probably shouldn’t have just let himself into the house. He had to keep reminding himself that he didn’t live there anymore and despite constantly referring to it as his home; he knew through his own fault it was no longer that.

“I didn’t forget to pack it, it’s in the front pocket of his bag” Rachel argued. “But that is not the issue right now Tony, the issue is that your new girlfriend is calling our son Jack and telling him that she is his mother.”

“What?” Tony shrieked, his mouth open with shock as he turned quickly to face Kate. “What’s she talking about, is this true?” Tony asked; a hint of anger evident in his voice.

“No of course it isn’t” Kate shrugged. “Your ex wife obviously misheard”

“I didn’t mishear anything” Rachel immediately retorted. “And anyway I’m not his ex wife yet so keep your witty remarks to yourself.” She smiled gloatingly to herself as she realised that for the time being, that was one thing she had on Kate, that her and Tony were legally and technically still married. She noticed a flash of jealousy whip through Kate’s body and felt immediately satisfied.

“Okay just calm down both of you.” Tony pleaded as he stretched his hands out in front of himself.

“Don’t tell me to calm down Tony. That woman is completely insane and she is to go absolutely nowhere near our son do you hear me?” Rachel threatened, her hands shaking with a mix of anger and fear. She thought back to all the times that Tony had taken Harry out for the day and wondered to herself how many times this had happened.

“Oh don’t be ridiculous Rachel. If you keep Harry away from me then you’ll be keeping Harry away from his father to; seeing as we’re together” Kate smiled, pleased with herself that she’d been able to get revenge on Rachel’s earlier remark.

“Well if that’s what I have to do to keep him away from you then that’s what I’ll do” Rachel replied, desperately trying not to cry at Kate’s hurtful comment.

“Rach …please don’t do this” Tony begged, his heart thudding with fear at the thought of never seeing Harry again. It would completely defeat the whole point of him leaving Rachel in the first place. He couldn’t believe that Kate would speak that way to Harry but then he knew Rachel wouldn’t lie.

“If you want to see him you have to promise me that you take him nowhere near her” Rachel cried as she blocked Kate from her view and focused all her attention on the man she loved. “He’s all I’ve got Tony, I will not have her acting out her maternal fantasies on my baby and I will not have her confusing him over who his real mother is” Rachel explained, demanding that Tony listened to every word she said.

“I promise” Tony nodded, realising it was the only way he’d be able to continue visitation rights with his son.

“Tony” Kate warned. “You’re meant to be on my side; don’t give in to her petty demands, she’s being ridiculous!”

“She’s Harry mother Kate, she has a right to control who does and doesn’t spend time with our son” Tony replied, resisting the temptation to tell Kate that he didn’t care about her threats anymore and that he was moving back in with his real family. But he knew if he did then she would tell Rachel everything and again he reminded himself that he couldn’t let that happen.

“And you’re his father Tony, stick up for yourself and stick up for me.”

“You know what?” Rachel screamed as she turned to face Kate. “Get out of my house, right now.”

“I’m not leaving without Tony or Harry. Lucas our son” Kate emphasised as she desperately tried to remind Rachel that her and Tony had a son together to. “he has been looking forward to meeting his brother for weeks and I don’t want him to be disappointed.”

“Harry stays with me” Rachel immediately replied, completely horrified that Kate had the audacity to demand Harry left with her.

“Tony?” Kate asked, waiting for him to defend her and demand that he could take Harry.

“I’ll go and get his bag from the boot” he softly said to Rachel, stroking Harry’s hair as he left the house.

“This is not the last you’ve heard of this” Kate warned, taking advantage of being alone with Rachel. “I’ll get lawyers involved; we’ll get custody of Harry no matter what it takes. I’ll tell them he’s not safe with you.”

“Over my dead body” Rachel immediately replied her eyes glaring at Kate’s. “You wont get your filthy hands anywhere near my son ever again do you hear me?”

“We’ll see” Kate laughed, giving Rachel one last dirty look and then following Tony out of the house. Rachel breathed a sigh of relief that she didn’t even realise she’d been holding. In normal circumstances she wouldn’t be afraid; any decent psychiatrist would be able to see that Kate was the one with mental instability. But Rachel knew she could die and if she did custody would be automatically granted to Tony; meaning Kate would get her way and be involved in his life. She suddenly felt a rush of even more determination to beat this leukaemia; there was absolutely no way she would ever let her little boy grow up under that evil woman’s influence. She just hoped and prayed that Tony would soon realise what kind of woman he was involved with and would support her in her decision. But her faith and trust in Tony had died a long time ago; it had died the moment he’d left her.

Preview:

Tony confronts Kate over her run in with Rachel.

Leah finds Rachel crying on the floor clutching her brush - what's wrong?

[charmed60]

Thank you so much IrishGirl06 Danni, Suzanne and Charlene. Your comments are appreciated as always! Quite a big update here, I hope you enjoy it! Flashback is in italics

“What the hell was that all about Kate?” Tony screamed as he got back into his car, leaving the key in the ignition and turning to confront her.

“What was what about Tony? Your ex wife just went mad on me and accused me of all this insane stuff and you’re acting like I’m the one who is in the wrong” Kate yelled back, desperately trying to defend herself.

“Rachel wouldn’t lie about something like this Kate.” Tony felt defensive of Rachel, he hated that Kate was speaking badly of her and he was angry with her for everything she’d put him and his family through. He was angry that he wasn’t going to be able to spend two weeks with his son like he thought and he finally felt like he could no longer hold the fury inside him.

“She must have misheard” Kate explained, desperately trying to convince Tony that she wouldn’t say it, she felt so embarrassed. “She did look a bit off maybe she’s going mad” she laughed.

“Don’t you dare speak about Rachel in that way” Tony threatened, his finger pointed maliciously at her as the veins in his neck bulged. Kate stared at him; frightened of the man she once called her husband.

“Let’s just forget about this and go see our son,” Kate offered after a moment of silence. “I’ll throw together your favourite lasagne and we can just forget this happened; start again.”

“I don’t like lasagne” Tony seethed as he leant back into his seat and looked to his right, towards his family home.

“But you always liked lasagne; I used to cook it for you every week. It was your favourite” Kate mumbled.

“That was years ago, decades ago. Things change.” Tony didn’t even look at her as he spoke; he was completely focused on looking at the house which had once made him so happy. He glimpsed desperately through the window for any signs of Rachel or Harry but couldn’t see anything. “I guess you just don’t know me anymore.”

“Yes I do” Kate insisted, her hand brushing Tony’s leg.

“Don’t feel bad Kate. I don’t know you either. Not anymore.” Tony removed Kate’s hand off of his thigh and moved his hand towards his car key, intending to make his way towards Lucas’s flat.

“Wait Tony stop. I want to talk about this, please” Kate begged desperately afraid that she was losing Tony.

“There’s nothing to talk about”

“Ok I did it. I called Harry … I called him Jack and I told him I was his Mum” Kate sobbed. She thought the only way she was going to win Tony back was if she was honest with him, if he felt sorry for her.

Tony breathed in deeply, anger building inside of him. “Why did you do it?”

“Because, I wanted to see what it felt like” she cried. “I wanted to remember what it felt like to hold Jack in my arms; I just wanted to pretend everything was ok.”

“Do you have any idea how guilty I felt just before Harry was born?” Tony asked, looking Kate directly in the eye. “I struggled so much to accept that he wasn’t going to replace Jack. Knowing that you are doing exactly that is disgusting Kate. Harry is not Jack, don’t you dare put that kind of pressure on him.”

“I’m sorry Tony, I never meant to hurt anybody” Kate wept; fumbling in her hand bag for some tissues to wipe her tears away. Tony softened, feeling guilty for reacting so angrily. He understood how difficult it must be for her to have not seen their children grow up.

“I’m sorry to.” Tony apologised “Just don’t do it again.” They drove in complete silence towards their sons flat, both of them too scared to speak to the other. Kate realised that she really didn’t know Tony anymore, not the man that he was now. It frightened her to think that he wasn’t falling back in love with her like she’d hoped but she decided she wasn’t going to give up. Whatever it took, she would make Tony love her again.

***************************

It hadn’t worked. Two weeks of intense dizziness, fatigue and vomiting all hours of the day and night had resulted in nothing; there were still cancer cells in her bone marrow. Rachel felt so disheartened. She was so confident that the chemotherapy was going to work; she’d done everything the doctors had told her to do but it wasn’t enough; they needed to repeat the treatment. She was so afraid of going through it all again. For two weeks she had been out of it completely, barely aware of what was occurring around her. The only thing she vaguely remembered was when Leah and Gina had bought Harry to the hospital for a visit, holding him up to the glass pane window outside of her room so she could see him.

“Rachel? Sweetie, it’s Leah, can you hear me?” Leah walked cautiously up to Rachel’s bedside, trying not show how scared she was or cry. She was lying still; asleep, a ghostly pale complexion washed all over her body. She looked so frail as if she could break at any minute and it broke Leah’s heart to see her like that. Holding her hand gently she whispered in her ear in an attempt to wake her from her dozing state. “You’re going to have to open your eyes for me; I’ve got a special visitor here who wants to see you.” Noticing Rachel’s eyes flutter open slowly she breathed a sigh of relief. “That’s it good girl.” Rachel looked at her as if she was confused. “You’re in the hospital remember?” Rachel nodded gently attempting a weak smile. “Look over to your left Rach; I’ve got something for you that will make you feel all better” She turned her head slowly, trying to ignore the wave of nausea which passed over her. Her vision was slightly blurry but she could just about make him out. Her little boy was waving his arms at her, his legs kicking excitedly as Gina held him in her arms. She smiled widely, weakly raising her hand so she could wave back at him although her fingers were the only part of her that would move. A single tear rolled gently down her cheek which she didn’t have the energy to wipe away and her eyes became heavy with tiredness. She struggled to keep them open, she wanted to look at her baby son for just a little bit longer but she was too weak to fight. “It’s ok Rach you just rest, we’re looking after him I promise” That was the last thing she heard Leah say before the darkness of sleep engulfed her.

************************

Leah paused outside Rachel’s front door, hesitant to knock. She needed a chance to compose herself, to make absolutely sure that when she opened the door and saw her best friend looking so pale and weak, she wouldn’t break down in tears. She had to constantly remind herself that her job was to support Rachel, to be the shoulder that she cried on and the one to encourage her to keep fighting. Not the other way round. Tapping gently on the door she peeked through the glass panes for signs of life. She noticed Harry’s buggy wasn’t in his usual spot; Tony must have taken him out for the day which meant Rachel was all alone. Rummaging around in her bag she pulled out the spare key which Rachel had had cut for her and let herself in.

“Rach, it’s only me it’s Leah” she called out, her voice echoing back at her almost immediately. Her heart began to race with worry, what if she had collapsed somewhere in the house, no-one would know. Racing through to the bedroom she flung the door open and froze at the sight in front of her. Rachel was in tears, sobbing to herself on the floor, with the bottom of the bed being the only thing keeping her upright. Her hair was fanned out around her face and shoulders dripping with water and Leah noticed that Rachel’s back was soaking wet.

“Oh sweetie it’s ok” Leah soothed as she rushed forward, dumping her back in the doorway and crouching down on the floor. She wrapped her arms around Rachel allowing her to bury her head in her shoulder, the tears running gently down Leah’s arm. “Are you missing Harry, do you want me to call Tony and get him to bring him back?” Leah offered.

“No it’s ok” Rachel sobbed, choking on her owns words as she tried to talk and catch her breath simultaneously. “It’s my hair...” she muttered shyly, pulling herself away from Leah and reaching for the brush which had fallen from her hands.

“Yes we need to get it dry or you’ll catch a cold; you’re a doctor you should…”

“It’s falling out” Rachel cut in, tears still falling from her face as she held the brush in front of her to show her friend. Pulling clumps of hair from the pins Leah realised what she was trying to say. She was losing her hair. Choking back tears herself; Leah pulled Rachel into another hug.

“You’re still going to look beautiful okay; no-one is going to care that…”

“That what? I’m bald. You can say it Leah because that’s what’s going to happen. Tony is never going to come back to me now” Rachel cried, a fresh set of tears falling from her face. Leah’s heart broke, there were no words she could say to Rachel to make things better. More than anything she wanted to promise her that Tony would come back to her no matter what but she knew she couldn’t. Pushing away the feelings of anger she felt over what he had done she pulled Rachel from her grasp and held both of her hands.

“Listen I’ll be back in a second okay there’s just something I need to do” Rubbing Rachel’s arm she stood up swiftly and headed towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Rachel asked, desperate not to be left alone again.

“I’ll only be a minute; I promise I’ll be right back.” Rachel nodded gently and watched as Leah left the room, curious as to where she was heading. As she looked down she breathed deeply, feeling disgusted at the sight of how much of her hair was now tangled in her hands. The doctors had warned her that there was a chance she could lose it but she’d clung onto the hope that she was going to be one of those patients who didn’t. And now that hope was gone. She was desperate to wash her hands, to wash away the evidence and try to forget that it was happening but she felt too weak to stand up by herself; she’d have to wait until Leah got back. A gentle knocking on the door caught her attention and she looked up to see Martha standing above her, an empathetic smile plastered on her face.

“Hey Rach, Leah asked me to come over” Martha started as she moved towards Rachel and knelt down next to her. “Sometimes it helps to talk to someone who has actually been through it. But if you don’t want to I understand.”

“No it’s ok, I’m just scared Martha. I’m really scared,” Rachel cried, tears falling from her face again.

“Oh sweetie I know you are. I know it’s frightening but you know what, I am living proof that you can beat this Rach. You just have to keep fighting and stay positive okay, keep smiling. It’s the only way to make it through.” Martha reached forward and pulled Rachel into a hug. She had to admit she’d been a terrible friend; she’d been desperately trying to avoid seeing Rachel because it brought back too many painful memories of her own battle with cancer. But now she realised how much Rachel needed her, needed someone to talk to who understood exactly how she was feeling. To everyone else Rachel was trying to be strong and positive, but to Martha she knew she could be honest. “You can beat this Rach I know you can.” Martha whispered in her ear.

Rachel smiled sadly, wiping the tears from her face. “Thank you” she breathed weakly. Wiping some of Martha’s silky hair from her face, Rachel realised that her hair would grow back. The most important thing now was that she fought for her life. At the end of the day that was all that mattered to her; that she could be around to see her beautiful son grow up.

“It still doesn’t make it any easier to deal with though does it? I’ve heard everyone telling me that it’s just hair it’ll grow back. But losing your hair, it’s like losing part of yourself, part of your femininity. So don’t feel guilty okay Rach, you’ve got a right to be upset about it.” Rachel smiled; it made such a difference being able to talk to someone who knew exactly how she was feeling. “I’ve got a little present for you” Martha added, pulling a blue carrier bag from behind her back and handing it to Rachel.

“Your headscarves” Rachel exclaimed pulling them into her hands.

“You don’t have to wear them if you don’t want to. But I thought I would give you the option.” Rachel looked at them, trying to imagine what she would look like without any hair. The thought scared her; she didn’t want to ever see herself like that. More than anything she didn’t want Tony to ever see her like that.

“Will you put it on for me?” Rachel smiled, tears springing to her eyes.

“Of course I can. Which one do you want?”

“Oh I don’t know, which ones going to look less awful?” Rachel laughed trying to lighten the mood.

“I think this black one looks classy, plus it goes with what you’re wearing” Martha suggested as she helped Rachel onto the bed before tying the scarf around Rachel’s head. “It suits you Rach, you look good. And if you have it hanging like this then it’s kind of like having a ponytail” Martha smiled, hanging the bottom of the fabric over Rachel’s shoulder. She grabbed the hand-held mirror from Rachel’s bedside table and handed it to her, watching as Rachel closed her eyes and took a deep breath, bracing herself for would look like. Martha noticed her eyes glaze over, tears brimming as she struggled to fake a smile.“I know it’s not the same Rach” Martha sympathetically exclaimed, laying a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

“But it’s better than the alternative right?” Rachel added, smiling through her tears. Martha clapped her hands. “Okay where’s your make up bag?”

“Over there, why?” Rachel pointed, laughing as she saw Martha dart around the room trying to follow her direction.

“Because I’m going to teach you how to do your make-up. A bit more colour on your eyes will make them stand out and people won’t even notice you don’t have hair trust me” Martha giggled excitedly, pleased to see Rachel’s spirits lifted.

“Is that laughter I hear?” Leah smiled as she wandered into Rachel’s room balancing a tray with a pot of tea in her hands. Noticing Rachel’s headscarf she offered encouragement to her best friend. “Rach you look great!”

“Oh Leah please you don’t have to pretend, it’s ok”

“No I’m serious” Leah assured. “It looks really trendy, I’m actually quite jealous I think I’m gonna steal one of these.” Rachel laughed as Leah grabbed one and attempted to wrap it around her head, tying herself in knots.

“Thank you so much, both of you. You’ve made me feel so much better.”

“No problem, you’re worth it Rach” Leah smiled as she sat down on the bed next to Rachel wrapping her arm around her and resting her head on her shoulder.

“Got room for me?” Martha asked as she jumped on the bed next to them causing them to stumble and nearly fall off. Bursting into fits of laughter Rachel threw a pillow at her, darting out of the way as Martha attempted to throw one back. Suddenly, a knock at the door stopped them in their tracks.

“That must be Tony bringing Harry back” Rachel whispered, her voice shaking as she realised that she now had no choice, she had to tell him about the cancer.

Preview:

Leah has words with Tony

Rachel tells Tony about the leukaemia- how does he react?

[charmed60]

Wow thank you all sooo much for your comments crazylazy, Suzanne, Charlene, Kirsty, flyingwithoutwings and Danni. Seeing that many really made me smile and the fact that you've all taken the time to write such lovely things. Thank you This is the update you've all been waiting for (I think) I hope you enjoy!

“I’ll go and let him in” Leah offered, determined to talk to Tony before Rachel did. Closing the door gently behind her she ran through all the things she wanted to say to him quickly in her mind. She knew this was could be her only opportunity and she didn’t want to waste it. She opened the front door and didn’t even bother to look up at him, pushing him backwards until they were both standing on the veranda.

“Leah, hey what’s going on, what are you doing?” Tony asked, shifting Harry’s pram out of the way as he tried to understand what was happening.

“I’ve got something to say to you Tony and I need you to listen carefully to me okay?” Leah clenched her fists tightly, struggling to control the range of emotions which were washing over her. “Rachel has something she needs to talk you about and you need to promise me that you are not going to hurt her anymore. She has gone through so much these past few months, things that you can’t even begin to imagine and she has needed you Tony. But you weren’t there for her. She’s had to go through this all on her own and…” Leah paused as she choked back a sob; she hadn’t wanted to cry in front of Tony. But seeing Rachel suffering for so long, knowing she desperately wanted him to be there to comfort her but he hadn’t had just broken her heart. Leah flinched as she felt Tony’s hands gently touch her arms.

“Leah what’s going on? Please tell me, you’re scaring me”

“Just promise me that you will take care of her Tony” Leah sobbed. She was desperate to tell him about Rachel and how selfish she thought he was, but she knew it wasn’t her place. “You’ll understand soon enough.” Leah shrugged Tony’s hands from her arms and walked back into the house to say her goodbyes to Rachel.

********************

“Call me if you want me to come round once he’s left ok?” she whispered as she hugged her tightly.

“No I’ll be ok honestly, I’m so tired I think I’ll have an afternoon nap with Harry” Rachel laughed.

“Well you know where we are if you need anything” Martha added grabbing her bag from the floor.

“Sure, thank you guys so much” Rachel smiled, blowing them a kiss as she watched them leave. Taking a deep breath she looked at herself in the mirror, readjusting the headscarf slightly and clasping her hands tightly together in an attempt to stop them shaking. She had no idea how Tony was going to react; she just hoped and prayed that he wouldn’t be disgusted by her; that was her biggest fear.

*********************

Tony sat on the arm of the chair, smiling as he looked into Harry’s pram and saw his son curled up asleep. Leah’s outburst had totally blown him away; he had no idea what to make of it. He hated that she thought that of him, they’d always had a good friendship and it terrified him to see Leah so angry and so cold with him. His mind wandered with worry, he wondered what Rachel had to tell him. A noise coming from the bedroom disrupted his thoughts and he stood up from the arm of the chair, smiling as Martha and Leah scurried through the lounge.

“Hi” he smiled nervously; a tension was in the room that he couldn’t describe and the awkward silence that followed made him even more anxious. Leah simply marched past him, glaring at him as she left the house slamming the door behind her. Tony looked to Martha, for support, an explanation, something to indicate what was happening.

“She’s in her room” she bluntly explained before following Leah, kissing Harry’s head as she left. Tony jumped as the door closed behind him, a chill running through his spine. He wondered whether he should wait for Rachel to come out or go to her. Usually he would have no problems entering her bedroom, but things were different now. Footsteps startled him and he smoothed his hand over his shirt; watching the doorway intently for her to come out.

“Hi” Rachel whispered nervously as she crossed her arms in front of her and leant on the door frame. She was studying Tony’s every expression, desperately praying that he wouldn’t look repulsed or make an excuse to leave before she’d had a chance to talk to him properly. He was just staring at her, frozen to the spot in which he was standing.

“Rach …” he began, unsure of the words he wanted to say. He was confused but most of all he was scared. The moment he saw her images of Martha flew into his mind, images from when she had cancer. He didn’t understand, he’d only seen her a week ago and she looked fine; a little tired maybe but that’s normal for a single parent of a young baby.

“Can we just sit down please?” Rachel begged, making her way towards the couch. An awkward silence filled the room as they sat down, both unsure who was going to speak first.

“Have you got cancer?” Tony hesitantly asked. Rachel closed her eyes as she felt a tear she wasn’t expecting roll swiftly down her cheek. She was pleased that he’d asked because it meant she didn’t have to say the words.

“It’s leukaemia” she whispered back, her head gazing down at her hands. She heard him gasp, a sort of choking noise but she was too afraid to look at him because she knew she would burst into tears.

“But you’re going to be okay aren’t you? They can treat you, give you chemotherapy” Tony began, his voice shaking as he tried to persuade not only Rachel but himself that she was going to be ok.

“I’ve already had one round of chemo ... but it didn’t work. I’ve got to go in tomorrow for a more intensive treatment” Rachel explained as she instinctively looked up at him. His eyes were watery, he was breathing really fast and his hands were shaking. Rachel began to instantly cry, she hadn’t expected Tony to be so affected by the news; she thought he didn’t love her.

Tony instantly wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to him and stroking her back softly. “It’s ok, you’re going to be ok” he soothed gently, tightening his hold on her.

“I’m so scared Tony” she admitted; her hands gripping tightly to his shirt as she sobbed into his neck. She hadn’t wanted to cry in front of him or admit that she felt weak, exhausted and absolutely terrified. But there was something about seeing the man she loved so much in front of her that just broke her down completely, she had no control over her emotions.

“Don’t be scared” he assured her as he brushed her cheek with the back of his hand. “I’m here.” Rachel didn’t want to admit it to herself but she felt so safe in Tony’s strong arms. She’d been trying for so long to push aside her feelings and pretend that she could cope with this on her own; that she didn’t need him. But at this very moment in time she was too tired of fighting and just relaxed into his embrace, closing her eyes as she enjoyed the feeling of him stroking her back, the feeling of being close to him again.

They stayed wrapped in each others arms for what seemed like hours. Rachel’s sobs had quietened down and she was now lying motionless on his chest, his grip on her still as tight as before. Tony didn’t want to let her go, he was afraid that if he did he would somehow lose her forever but he also needed to get up. He felt like he couldn’t breathe and he needed to do something, to scream or throw things just to release the intense sadness and fear which had been gradually building up in him. “Rach” he whispered as he moved a piece of her curly hair which was poking from her headscarf away from her face. Noticing her rhythmic breathing he realised she was asleep and so gently placed her down on the settee, wrapping a blanket which was hanging over the back of the couch tightly around her so she wouldn’t get cold. Satisfied that she was comfortable he made his way over to the kitchen and splashed his face with the icy cold water which ran from the tap. It wasn’t enough, he still felt like he had the world’s troubles all rested on his shoulders and the only thing he felt he could do was cry. Sobs racked his body as he gently slid down onto the floor, his hands firmly placed over his mouth in an attempt to muffle his cries; he didn’t want to wake Rachel. He was so caught up in his own grief that he didn’t hear someone come in through the front door; barely flinched as his sister crouched down in front of him and pulled him towards her.

Preview:

Tony talks to Gina about his fears and makes a decision.

After sharing the news with Rachel what will she say?

[charmed60]

Thank you Charlene, Danni, Kirsty and flyingwithoutwings for all your lovely comments. Also thank you to champagne_char for writing a comment, I'm pleased to hear you like it Here's the next update

“Martha told me that Rachel was going to tell you. I didn’t think you’d take the news very well, I’m so sorry” Gina explained.

“She’s going to die isn’t she” Tony sobbed “Just like Mum.”

“Mum had a different type of leukaemia” Gina assured as she rubbed her brother’s back in an attempt to bring him some comfort.

“I can’t lose her” Tony cried. “I hate myself so much.”

“This isn’t your fault Tony…”

“But it is.” Tony insisted as he struggled to speak in between his sobs. “She’s had to deal with this all on her own Gina. I left her to deal with this all on her own”

“She hasn’t been alone okay? I’ve been here and Leah has, Martha…”

“Why didn’t anyone tell me?” Tony questioned. “How long has she known?”

“A few months” Gina answered tentatively.

“What?” he exclaimed, lifting his head up and looking directly at Gina, anger evident in his eyes. “You’ve all known for months and nobody even bothered to consider telling me? I’m her husband.”

“But you left her Tony.” Gina explained as gently as she could. “I wanted to tell you but Rachel begged me not to. She didn’t want you feeling sorry for her.” Tony paused, he realised this situation with Kate had gone too far now and he was no longer going to play her games.

“I didn’t want to leave her” Tony admitted softly. He knew his confession would have repercussions but he couldn’t cope with it on his own anymore. The woman he loved had cancer; that changed everything.

“Well Tony of course you did, no-one forced you to…”

“Kate did” Tony interrupted. “She was going to tell Rachel about the accident; about me going to jail. I couldn’t let that happen. And then she started saying about Jack and how he would want me to be with her and being with Rachel would make him sad and I didn’t know what to do. She said she wanted me back.” Tony rambled, feeling immense relief at finally having someone to talk to. He glanced over for Gina’s reaction; she looked gobsmacked.

“Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you left Rachel because Kate blackmailed you?” Gina asked after a few moments of silence, her voice ending on an almost inaudible high pitch. Tony looked down at the floor and nodded; saying it out loud just made him feel so ashamed. “Geez Tony” Gina continued. “Don’t you think Rachel would have understood about the accident, it was years ago. Why didn’t you talk to me at least?”

“I don’t know Gina” Tony cried. “I didn’t know what to do. But listen you don’t understand. Rachel can’t know about what I did; she went through a similar thing with her Dad and she hasn’t spoken to him for years because of it. I can’t risk it.”

“Okay, I can see you’re in a difficult position. But Tony you can’t be with Kate; she’s manipulating you and Rachel needs you” Gina insisted, surprised at the mess her brother had managed to get himself into.

“I know. And I’m done with her, I want to come back home, I want to take care of Rachel. She needs me to be here for her and I can’t bear to let her go through this alone.”

“Do you love Rachel still?” Gina asked Tony, her hand gently placed on his.

“More than ever” Tony quickly answered, squeezing his sisters’ hand. They’d always been close, especially since their mother had died and he was so grateful for her support. He just wished he’d come to her in the first place. “I’ve missed her so much” Tony added as more tears fell from his face.

“She’s missed you to” Gina smiled, excited at the thought of Rachel and her brother being a family again. “Obviously I think you need to be completely honest with her, she might be fragile but she’s not an idiot Tony. But if you’re not going to tell her about Kate, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know” Tony admitted honestly as he picked himself up from the floor and made his way over to the fridge; frowning when he opened the door.

“You used to always do that as a child” Gina laughed. “Whenever you were upset, when Mum or Dad told you off you’d always storm to the fridge and just stare into it like you’re doing now.” Gina was so pleased she’d moved to Summer Bay; being with her brother again had brought back many fond memories of their childhood; memories she’d always cherished.

“There’s no food in the fridge” Tony exclaimed as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out a wad of money. “Will you go to the store for me and just get as much food as you can with this?” Tony begged as he shakily held the notes in front of his sister. “Just make sure it’s all organic. If it worked for Martha it can work for her to” Tony chanted to himself; smiling as Gina took the money and rubbed his arm affectionately.

*********************

Tony breathed a sigh of relief. It had taken him a few hours but he’d managed to prepare meals for Rachel that would at least last her the next couple of weeks. He hated the thought of her cooking for herself while she felt so ill and judging by how empty her fridge had been; he concluded that she probably hadn’t bothered. Folding the towel he’d been using neatly, he placed it on the side before turning to face Rachel. Looking at her now, he kicked himself for not noticing something was up before; she was so pale and frail. He realised when he’d held her earlier how thin she was; he could practically feel her ribs through her top.

“Hey” he smiled as he noticed her stirring and rushed forward to help her sit up; placing a cushion behind her back.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to fall asleep” she sleepily mumbled, smiling gratefully as he rearranged the cushions around her to make her more comfortable. “You know you don’t need to fuss over me, I can still pick up a pillow.”

“I know I’m sorry” Tony apologised as he backed away, his hands held in front of him in a defensive stance.

“It’s ok” she smiled awkwardly, moving her legs to the floor so Tony could sit next to her. “Listen, I’m sorry about before, I didn’t mean to offload on you. It wasn’t very fair.”

“Are you kidding me? Rachel you have absolutely nothing to apologise for, if anyone should be apologising it’s me. I’ve completely screwed things up” Tony began, his voice shaking as he could feel tears threatening to fall again. “I love you so much” he continued, wanting Rachel to know exactly how he felt. “And I made a huge mistake walking out on you. I want to move back in Rach, I want to take care of you. You won’t have to struggle on your own anymore, I can take care of everything; you just need to focus on getting better okay? I can’t lose you. I love you too much.”

Rachel stared at Tony in complete and utter shock. She couldn’t believe everything that he’d just admitted; her head was spinning. Her first instinct was to scream with happiness and throw her arms around him; she desperately wanted to finally believe that from now on everything was going to be okay. But the logical part of her was angry; furious even that he could come back to her again and change his mind. All just because he knew she had cancer. “Do you honestly think I’m going to believe that your feelings have suddenly changed again? That this isn’t really all some big sympathy ploy because you’ve found out I’ve got cancer …”

“No, no Rachel I swear it’s not” Tony interrupted; reaching forward and taking her hand in his. “I’ve always loved you, I just got confused with Kate being back, she’s Jack’s Mum and I just thought it was the right thing to do.”

“The right thing to do? What about being Harry’s father Tony, you didn’t care about him when you walked out did you?” Rachel bit back; relishing the opportunity to tell Tony exactly what she thought of him leaving her.

“Harry’s not dead Rach. Jack is” Tony drifted off.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean …”

“No I know you didn’t” he quickly answered; Jack always had been and still was a sensitive subject. “I know what I did was awful” Tony began “but Rachel you have to believe that I love you so much. It will never happen again, I swear to you.”

“I don’t believe you” Rachel softly replied, tears springing to her eyes.

“Wha…what do I need to do to prove it to you? Please Rachel” Tony begged, tears slowly making a pathway down his cheek.

“Nothing” Rachel coughed as she choked on her sobs. “I just don’t trust you anymore. You keep changing your mind Tony and I can’t take it anymore. It hurts too much. You can’t keep doing it to me or to Harry. He needs a stable environment”

“I know I know he does, he deserves that and so do you. I promise you with all of my heart that I will be that for you.”

“Can you leave Tony …” Rachel begged, unable to cope with hearing his excuses anymore as she pulled her hand away from his grip.

“Rachel don’t do this please, I just need a chance to explain. Kate and I are over, we, we never even began…”

“I don’t want to hear your excuses Tony” Rachel shouted, wincing as she saw his body stiffen. “I only told you about the cancer because I couldn’t hide it from you anymore. I don’t want your sympathy. I just want you to leave, I’m tired and Harry will want a bottle soon.”

“I, I can do that for you” Tony offered. “If you want to sleep…”

“I can take care of my son perfectly fine on my own thanks” Rachel snapped.

“I know you can” Tony replied. “I just want to help” he whispered, completely crushed that he hadn’t been able to convince Rachel of how he really felt.

“You can help by leaving.” Rachel just wanted him out of her house; she needed time to think on her own. She hated his insinuation that she wasn’t able to look after herself or their child just because she was sick.

“Call me if you need me to do anything” Tony offered, his voice tinged with sadness. “I’ll come round later, check everything’s ok.” He hesitated not wanting to leave. He hated the thought of her being all alone in the house and so desperately wanted to make things all better, to fix the mistakes he’d made.

“You don’t need to do that”

“I want to” he replied. Tony wandered towards the front door, kissing his son who was still fast asleep in his pram before opening the door. Taking one last glance back at Rachel, he swallowed back sobs as he took in her fragile frame. “I love you” he whispered sadly, desperately hoping she’d change her mind. But she didn’t. She stood up slowly, pulling herself up on the arm of the chair and disappeared into the kitchen, out of his sight.

Preview:

Rachel has a bad reaction to the chemotherapy.

[charmed60]

Thank you once again crazlazy, flyingwithoutwings, Suzanne and Charlene - I never tire of reading your comments Here's the next chapter, I hope you enjoy!

Rachel gazed at the table absentmindedly as she forcefully sipped organic herbal tea. She presumed Tony had put it in her cupboard when she’d been asleep; she wouldn’t have minded but he’d taken away her usual teabags meaning she had no choice but to drink the vile liquid which was making her gag. Despite it all though, it did make her smile. It warmed her heart that Tony had done that for her, that he’d been thoughtful enough to buy her all these organic products that she’d been meaning to get herself and she noticed he’d stocked up her freezer with loads of home cooked meals. Maybe he did really love her, Rachel thought to herself. She’d been waiting so long to hear him say all the things he’d said earlier and she was annoyed with herself that she couldn’t just forget it all and forgive him. She so desperately wanted him to come home. But there was a part of her that was so afraid of him leaving her again, afraid that he was only telling her he loved her because he felt sorry for her. That was something she hated more than anything, people taking pity on her. She sighed deeply and threw her head into her hands; her life was a complete mess. Everything had been so perfect; she was happily married one minute, with a husband she adored and who doted on her and a child who everyday gave her so much joy. Yet in a flash it had all ended; her husband had left her and she had cancer. She was determined to fight it but sometimes it was just too hard, particularly because she was doing it on her own. She had Leah and Gina and they’d been an absolute Godsend but it just wasn’t the same as having Tony. True to his word he’d turned up at hers in the evening to check she was ok and offered to come to the hospital with her the next day, to stay with her while she had the treatment. She’d wanted to say yes so much but she’d convinced him that she would be ok; that it was no big deal. He’d again tried telling her how much he loved her and that he wanted a second chance but again she’d pushed him away. She surmised that it would just be less complicated if she did this on her own.

*****************

“Leah, has she gone in? Have they started the treatment yet?” Tony gasped as he ran towards Rachel’s best friend, trying to catch his breath. He knew Rachel had said she didn’t want him there but he couldn’t bear to think of her going through it alone.

“They started it a few hours ago but she’s having a few side effects from the medication. They told me to wait out here” Leah explained. Her first instinct was to ignore Tony for what he’d done to Rachel but she could see how worried he was.

“What kind of side effects?” Tony asked, desperate for information.

“I don’t know they didn’t say” Leah replied, her voice shaking. Just as she was about to ask Tony where Harry was, the door to Rachel’s room opened and a young male doctor walked out.

“Hey what’s going on, is she ok?” Tony pressed as he caught the doctor mid way between the door; trying to look past him for a glance of Rachel. He could see her lying on the bed but her back was to him so he couldn’t really see what was going on

“Can I ask who you are?” the doctor pressed, looking at the notes in his hand as if they would offer him the answer.

“I’m Tony, Tony Holden. Rachel’s my wife, I’m her husband” Tony rambled as he desperately searched the doctors face for indications of Rachel’s current state.

“Mr Holden why don’t we step into this room over here and we’ll talk…”

“No I just want to see her, I want to know what’s going on” Tony demanded as he edged closer into the room.

“Go away please” Rachel screamed, her voice piercing the room and her body curling up into a ball as she began to cry.

“Rach” Tony cried as he pushed past the doctor and ran over to her bedside. Her whole body was shaking and her eyes were fearfully darting around the room. “Hey, it’s ok, you’re alright” he soothed as he took her hand in his and stroked her face.

“Don’t hurt me please” Rachel sobbed as she backed away from him, her nails digging into the back of his hand, drawing blood.

“I’m not gonna hurt you Rach.” Tony promised as he lowered himself down to her eye level. “What the hell’s going on? What’s wrong with her?” Tony asked as the doctor approached Rachel’s bedside.

“She’s having hallucinations; they’re a side effect of the antiemetic drugs we’ve given her to help with the sickness. It’s all very normal, there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Nothing to worry about?” Tony gasped. “Have you looked at her she’s terrified” he continued as he kissed her head in a desperate attempt to calm her down. “Can’t you give her a different drug?”

“I was just about to write up a new prescription” the doctor answered quickly and defensively; he didn’t like to be accused of not doing his job properly.

“Then you better get on to it straight away” Tony demanded as he watched the doctor skulk swiftly out of the room, past a frightened Leah.

“Where am I? What’s going on, I, I don’t understand” Rachel screamed deliriously as she shot upright in bed, her gaze focused fearfully and cautiously on a sharps bin which was placed on the windowsill opposite her bed.

“Hey come here, you’re safe” Tony assured as she pulled Rachel into his arms and sat carefully on the edge of the bed.

“It’s coming for me” Rachel muttered frightfully as she flew her hands in front of her eyes. “Why is everything moving so much” she cried clutching his shirt tightly.

“It’s just the medicine Rach, it’ll all be over soon okay” he whispered as he fought against her struggling in his arms. She was desperately trying to break free and had acquired a strength Tony didn’t know she had.

“I just want it to stop, I just want to die. Please.” Rachel’s comment caused Tony to break down in sobs and he held her head close to his chest, rocking her in his arms. “You’re not going anywhere” he whispered. “Don’t you dare leave me.” Rachel gave up fighting against Tony’s grip and instead melted into his embrace, realising that as long as she kept her eyes closed then everything would stop spinning and growing in size. She had never felt so frightened in her life, objects which usually came up to her ankles were now towering in size above her. She knew what she was seeing wasn’t really happening but it felt so real. She felt someone’s hand clutch her shoulder and it instantly made her jump. “It’s only me Rach” she heard. It was only Leah.

*******************

Tony sighed wearily as he collapsed onto his hotel bed and closed his eyes, enjoying the silence. He’d spent nearly three days at the hospital, having never left Rachel’s side until Leah arrived and forced him to take a break. He’d resisted against the idea; he was terrified of leaving her and wanted to be there for when she woke up but when he fell asleep midway through drinking a cup of canteen coffee; he realised he wasn’t any use to Rachel in this state. Leah had promised to stay with her and call if she woke up, which allowed Tony a chance to get some guilty free rest. It had broken his heart to see her suffering like she was; they’d finally changed her medication but whilst the hallucinations had ceased, she instead was suffering severely with nausea and vomiting. She’d been so out of it that Tony hoped she wasn’t aware of what was happening to her; she was in such a state of delirium he didn’t even think she knew that he had been there. Tony pulled his phone from his pocket with plans to call Gina and see how Harry was doing before having an afternoon nap. He had twelve missed calls and a voicemail message. Panicking that something had happened with Rachel, he immediately put the phone to his ear; his breath held in terrified anticipation. It was Kate. She sounded like a madwoman, ranting down the phone asking how he could leave her, rambling about the agreement they had and how much she loved him. What hurt Tony the most was how she told him that Jack would be ashamed of him for hurting her so much. Tony felt a tear slide down his cheek; he realised what a mess he’d made of things but he was too tired to cope with Kate at the moment; all he wanted to do was focus on Rachel. He placed his phone on the bedside unit, putting it on loudspeaker whilst he got ready for bed, continuing to listen to Kate ranting on. As he removed his shirt, he heard Kate threaten to tell Rachel everything. She screamed that she’d been serious when she said it before and if he wasn’t going to give them a chance to be a couple, she would track Rachel down right now and tell her everything. Tony snapped. He felt his face burn with fury and anger bubbled up inside of him. He’d had it with trying to say the right thing, with being too scared of saying how he really felt. He decided it was time that Kate knew exactly what he thought of her.

Preview:

Leah has a change of heart

Tony finally lets it all out at Kate

[charmed60]

Thank you so much Charlene, Danni and Kirsty. Such lovely comments Hope you enjoy the next chapter!

Rachel opened her eyes gently and laughed weakly when she saw Leah sitting beside her bedside, her head flopped uncomfortably to the side. She was asleep. Rachel felt guilty, Leah had been an amazing friend; she had her own family yet she was still here with her, supporting her. She looked around the room for any indication of what day it was; she felt so disorientated and desperately hoped that she was near the end of the treatment. Everything was a complete blur. She remembered the doctors inserting the tube in her chest and she vaguely remembered the awful hallucinations she’d experienced. As she wrapped her arms around herself for warmth she also had flashes of someone holding her, of someone squeezing her hand and stroking her face. But she didn’t know who it was, just that for those few split seconds she’d felt completely and utterly safe.

“Hey, you’re awake” Leah exclaimed as she jumped up from her chair, rubbing her eyes furiously in an attempt to wake herself up.

“I am” Rachel laughed.

“And you’re not being sick, I’m impressed Rach” Leah joked.

Rachel cringed. “Have I been that bad?” she asked, aware of what the answer already was.

“How are you feeling?”

“Strangely, I feel ok actually” Rachel answered.

“Well they’ve lowered the dosage of chemotherapy so that’s probably why. The worst is over” Leah encouraged as she squeezed her friend’s hand. “Listen I better go and call Tony, if I don’t let him know you’re awake he’ll kill me. He didn’t want to leave you but I forced him to go” Leah laughed as she moved towards the door.

“Wait.” Rachel called after her. “Tony was here?”

“Yer he’s been here the whole time, don’t you remember?” Leah asked walking back slowly towards Rachel’s bed with a confused expression on her face.

“No I don’t remember anything” Rachel replied as she processed what Leah had just said. The thought that Tony had been with her made her smile, maybe it was him that she remembered holding her hand and whispering in her ear. “Wait he wasn’t here when I was being sick was he?” Rachel asked, praying to God that he hadn’t seen her like that.

“Rach, he didn’t mind. He was just worried about you…”

“Ugh how embarrassing” Rachel cringed. “Leah I don’t want him back here, please just tell him that he doesn’t need to come anymore” she begged; desperate to try and retain some of the dignity she had left.

“Listen, Rach you know how I feel about Tony and how angry I was with him for what he did to you” Leah started. “But he has been incredible these past few days, he hasn’t left your side once, he hasn’t eaten or slept at all. When you were being sick he was rubbing your back and when you were having the hallucinations he was comforting you and bossing around all the doctors to get them to change your medication” Leah laughed. “Maybe you need to believe what he said, maybe you should let him love you Rach. He wants to so much and I think you need him.” Rachel felt tears spring to her eyes; as much as she hated the thought that Tony had seen her looking so rough and sick, she couldn’t help but smile knowing that he hadn’t left her side. And the fact that Leah had changed her mind and wanted to give Tony a chance made her think that she should do the same. But she still couldn’t shake the fear that Tony was going to change his mind and leave her again; it was a fear so powerful that she just couldn’t ignore it.

“I’m not ready Leah. Please just tell him not to come” Rachel begged as she turned over slowly onto her side and shut her eyes tightly so that she wouldn’t cry. She heard the door slam shut and her heart dropped in disappointment.

*************************

Tony pressed the phone to his ear and breathed heavily, waiting for Kate to pick up. He mentally instructed himself that he had to stay calm and clenched his fist as a way of dispensing some of the anger trapped inside of him.

“Tony, finally, I’ve been trying to get hold of you for days, where the hell have you been?” Kate screeched down the phone once she’d finally answered.

“Kate I’ve got something to say to you and you better listen because I’m only going to say it once okay?” Tony seethed; his voice a low, controlled whisper. “I have had enough of your games and I will not let you threaten me anymore. I am really sorry that I can’t be the man you want me to be but I can’t keep lying to you or to myself anymore. I love Rachel and I want to be with her so can you please stop trying to get between us and just get on with your life, please Kate.” Tony paused, anxiously waiting for her reaction. Now that he’d finally gained the courage to tell her how he truly felt he wished he’d said it right back at the beginning; then Rachel would never have been hurt by him.

“Well I’m sorry you feel like that Tony” Kate eventually replied, choking back tears. “But I meant what I said, I’ll tell Rachel …”

“She has cancer” Tony interrupted, screaming down the phone with a mix of anger and devastation. “She has cancer” he repeated with a more sombre tone. “So if you still go ahead and tell her about me, then you’re not the person I thought you were Kate. She’s going through enough at the moment; she’s in hospital having chemotherapy, please don’t put this on her as well. Please.”

“Where are you staying Tony?” Kate asked, not responding to his request.

“In a hotel, why?”

“Because I want to come and see you. I want to talk to you about this in person.”

“Kate, I’m tired and I’m not going to change my mind. No matter what you say, I don’t want to be with you. I’m sorry.” Tony responded, desperately wanting to finish the conversation so that he could get some sleep.

“But Jack…” Kate started as she sobbed down the phone.

“Jack would want me to be happy Kate. He lived with Rachel, they were good friends and he was actually the one who encouraged me to ask Rachel out in the first place” Tony paused; surprised at the sudden confidence he’d gained. He guessed it was because of Rachel’s diagnosis; suddenly all the problems and worries he had seemed insignificant. “Listen I’ve got to go, I need to get some sleep before heading back up to the hospital” he continued, noticing a silence on the other end of the phone. He heard her feebly say goodbye and he put the phone down, throwing himself onto the bed and wrapping the duvet tightly around him. He felt waves of tiredness pass over him and was just about to drop off when his phone suddenly rang.

“Damn it” he screamed; presuming that it was Kate who was calling him. He reached for his phone; his head still firmly on the pillow and blearily looked at the caller I.D. It was Leah.

“Leah, hey is she awake?” Tony asked as he jumped out of bed; clumsily trying to put his shirt back on whilst holding the phone firmly to his ear.

“She is, she’s fine, back to the Rachel we know and love” Leah joked as her heart thudded in her chest with fear over breaking the news to him.

“Really? That’s great” Tony beamed as he grabbed his wallet from the side and threw his jacket over his shoulder “I’m on my way now, thank you for calling” Tony continued; opening the door to his hotel room.

“Tony, wait. I actually called because, well, Rachel actually asked for you not to come. I’m sorry Tony” Leah apologized, feeling a lot of sympathy for him. She’d been so angry with him only a few days ago but seeing how he’d been with Rachel; how he’d cared for her so lovingly, she’d changed her mind.

“What? She doesn’t want me to come? Why?” Tony asked his voice timid and sad.

“Honestly, I think she just doesn’t want you to see her like this. She’s embarrassed Tony.”

“But that makes no sense, I’ve been there for days already and she hasn’t said anything. Seeing her so ill hasn’t changed my feelings about her, if anything it’s made them stronger. I don’t care what she looks like I just want to be there for her” Tony explained as he paused in the doorframe.

“I know you do Tony and I’ve tried explaining that to her. But she won’t budge; she doesn’t want to see you. She didn’t realise you’d been here, she hasn’t got any recollection of the past few days. I’m sorry.” Tony hung up; feeling completely rejected. Throwing his phone across the room he stamped his fist down on the table, trying not to cry. All he wanted to do was to care for Rachel; he didn’t understand why she wouldn’t let him do that. He thought about going to the hospital anyway but then realised he should respect her wishes, no matter how much it hurt him. He crawled back into bed with his mind filled with ways that he could prove to Rachel just how much he loved her; thoughts which consumed him until he finally fell asleep.

Preview:

The pressure of everything gets to Rachel.

[charmed60]

Thank you so much Danni, Kirsty, Charlene, flyingwithoutwings and champagne_char. Flyingwithoutwings, the reason Tony originally left Rachel is explained on page 2, hope that helps! I'll talk about how it relates to her Dad a bit more later on. Thank you all so much for the lovely comments

Rachel took a deep breath and held on tightly to the table. She felt completely and utterly exhausted. Harry had finally gone to sleep after about two hours of fussing and crying; which she thought was probably caused by the way he kept being passed between her and Tony. She felt so guilty that he was being affected by her leukaemia and their separation but she knew that there was no alternative and hopefully it would just be something that was short term; the leukaemia anyway. She felt her eyelids slowly closing and waves of sleep pass over her before the cooker alarm jolted her back to reality. She realised she’d nearly fallen asleep standing up; something she didn’t even know was possible. Her body was clearly telling her that she needed to rest but there was still so much to do; the house was a complete mess and she hadn’t had time to eat anything since the morning. She also had to call Tony; he’d left her loads of messages but she hadn’t yet had a chance to reply to them. In all honesty she’d been half avoiding talking to him; she still felt so awkward knowing that he’d seen her at her worst, being sick everywhere and accusing inanimate objects of trying to kill her. She laughed uncomfortably at herself, wondering what Tony must think of her now, she felt so humiliated. Her daydream state had meant she forgot to attend to her dinner which was now burning in the oven and had set the smoke alarm off. Cursing she ran weakly towards the kitchen unit and reached onto the top shelf for a towel to wave the smoke away; her vision becoming blurry and disjointed as dizziness washed over her. She looked down trying to regain her stability back but still couldn’t reach the towel so decided to leave it and headed towards the oven to turn it off. As she opened the door the heat hit her and the smoke which poured out made her eyes sting. She quickly shut the door and cursed again as she heard Harry screaming. Glancing quickly over to the clock she realised he was due a feed over half an hour ago; in the stress of everything going on she’d lost track of time and hadn’t even prepared his bottle. Rachel felt tears cloud her vision and she began to cry; she didn’t have the energy to tend to him, make a bottle and stop the smoke alarm from ringing in her ear and giving her a migraine. She was terrified all of a sudden, frightened that she couldn’t even care for her own son and her chest began to tighten. She struggled to breathe; what if something happened to her right now, there would be nobody to look after Harry. What if he fell out of his cot or had an accident? Pessimistic thoughts whizzed through Rachel’s mind as the panic took hold of her whole body; she desperately wanted to go and check on her baby but no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t move one foot in front of the other. She could hear his cries become more distressed and so she looked around frantically trying to find a phone before realising there was one right behind her. Her struggle to breathe was becoming more intense and she didn’t understand what was happening to her, was this it? Was she about to die? Suddenly her legs gave way and she fell forcefully to the floor, pulling the phone down with her as she went. She struggled to sit up and leant back on the cupboard for support, fumbling around on the floor for the phone as she concentrated on her breathing. Sobs racked her body and it was making it so difficult for her to keep a steady breathing pattern; her hands shaking so much that she was struggling to dial the numbers. She called the first person that she could think of; the panic and terror she was feeling were strong enough to dispel any humiliation or doubts she had about wanting him to be there.

“Tony, please, I, I need you to come” she sobbed down the phone as his cheery voice caused the tears to fall faster. “I can’t breathe and Harry’s screaming; I can’t get to him” she added gasping for breath, hoping that the quicker she spoke the quicker he would get there. She heard Tony reply back but she couldn’t really hear what he was saying; the high pitched sound of the smoke alarm was ringing in her ear. “Please Tony, please come now” she screamed back. Suddenly the alarm stopped ringing and she noticed how loudly she was breathing.

“Rach where are you” Tony shouted as he threw open the front door and noticed her sitting on the floor in the kitchen; tears streaming down her face. She was clawing at her chest as she struggled for breath and looking desperately at him; fear evident in her eyes. “Hey, hey you’re ok” he hushed as he ran over to her and threw his arms around her, holding her close to him. “Shh it’s ok, you’re just having a panic attack” he soothed, rubbing her back and kissing her head. He could feel her fingers clinging so tightly to his shirt that she was pinching his skin and she was breathing too rapidly for him to count. “Breathe with me” he instructed.

Rachel pressed her head into Tony’s chest and was comforted by the sound of his heartbeat. Her throat was hurting so much from all the crying and frantic breathing but she could gradually feel waves of calmness wash over her, now that Tony was here. She focused intently on his breathing and tried to match it in an attempt to calm her panic. “Harry” she whispered croakily as soon as she felt able to speak.

“He’ll be ok, just relax. I’ll go and get him in a minute when you’ve calmed down.” Tony replied as he closed his eyes; enjoying the feeling of Rachel being wrapped in his arms.

“He’s hungry” Rachel sobbed. “He was due a feed over half an hour ago. I can’t be a good Mum to him anymore Tony.” The tears began to fall again as she realised how much Harry was being affected by her cancer. She thought she could do everything herself and things could carry on as normal, but her insistence to be independent had meant Harry wasn’t getting the best care. She was racked with guilt.

“Half an hour? Sometimes you used to make me wait hours for my dinner and it didn’t do me any harm did it?” Tony joked. A smile crept onto Rachel’s face; it was one of the things that she loved about Tony, how he could always make an awful situation so much better. Her laughter turned to tears again however as she realised what she’d lost. Tony’s grip gradually loosened on her and she was afraid to let him go.

“Don’t leave me Tony” she cried, wrapping her arms tighter around his body.

“I’ll never leave you I promise” he replied; knowing that he’d never meant it more. “I was just going to get you off the floor. Put your arms around my neck.” Rachel breathed a sigh of relief and flung her arms enthusiastically around his shoulders and he lifted her onto a nearby chair.

“How did you get here so quickly” she whispered as she smiled gratefully at him.

“Gina let me move in next door so I’ve been living there for a few days. Are you going to be ok while I get Harry?” Tony asked as he knelt down to her level; his face only inches away from hers. Rachel smiled and nodded as she suddenly felt nervous at being so close to him. She imagined how she must look now; she hadn’t had time to put any make-up on today and her eyes were bound to be red and blotchy from all the crying. As Tony left the room she quickly wiped her fingers over her face in an attempt to dry away any tears and slapped her cheeks gently hoping it would add some colour to her pale complexion. She didn’t really understand why she was worried about what Tony would think of her, he wanted to be with her but it was her own insecurity that was stopping that from happening. She heard Harry’s cries subside instantly and figured Tony must have picked him up. It made her smile so much, to witness the relationship between Harry and Tony. For all of his faults she couldn’t criticise his abilities as a father and it was clear how much Harry totally adored him. “It’s ok, Mummy’s out here” she heard Tony soothe as he walked out into the kitchen with their baby resting on his hip. Harry instantly reached out his arms and repeatedly clenched his fists together in excitement when he saw Rachel.

“Hey bubba did you have a nice sleep” she asked as Tony lowered him onto her lap and she cupped his face in her hands. A pang of guilt ran through her as she saw fresh tears still on his face and his cheeks were flushed bright red. As she ran her fingers through his hair she noticed it was wet and after feeling his back she felt how damp his pyjama top was. “Oh sweetheart, you were trying to tell me that you were too hot weren’t you? Is that why you were crying? I’m so sorry” Rachel cried as she pulled Harry towards her and cuddled him, tears running down her face.

“Hey” Tony soothed as he ran his hand down her back and took a seat on a chair in front of her. “I thought you were all cried out” he grinned. He passed Rachel the bottle of milk he’d prepared and smiled as Harry began sucking hungrily.

“I can’t do this Tony, it’s not fair on him” Rachel sobbed, looking down guiltily at her son. “He’s relying on me to look after him but I can’t; he was hungry and hot but I couldn’t get to him to help him” she rambled.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself Rach, considering what you’re going through at the minute I think you’re doing an amazing job.”

“Will you move back in?” Rachel cut in quickly before she could change her mind. Tony looked directly at her, his face breaking into a grin as he heard the words he’d been wanting to hear for so long.

“Of course I will Rach” he smiled; his heart began to beat faster with excitement. “Thank you so much for giving me a second chance, I wont let you down again I promise.” He wrapped his hand around Rachel’s and leaned forward to kiss her head; “I love you” he whispered.

“I, I didn’t mean like that Tony.” Rachel’s words cut through Tony like glass being rubbed into an already open wound.

“You didn’t?” he asked timidly as the smile instantly fading, leaving an expression of confusion and disappointment.

“I just need help looking after Harry. Maybe you could sleep in Lucas’s old room?” she suggested brightly. Deep down inside she felt awful; the moment the words came out of her mouth she realised they implied something she hadn’t wanted to say. She could see the joy in Tony’s eyes completely diminish and his gaze was now fixed firmly on the floor. “I hate to ask you. I just don’t know what else to do” Rachel added, hating to see Tony looking so sad and broken.

“Of course” he nodded sadly “I’ll do whatever you need me to.”

“Thank you” Rachel smiled gratefully before looking down at Harry who’d began to fall asleep in her arms. She shook the bottle gently and smiled as he began drinking again.

“I’ll just go and get my stuff from next door” Tony started as he grabbed his keys off of the side and headed towards the door. “Will you be okay while I’m gone?”

“I’ll be fine” Rachel called after him. She scrunched up her face in embarrassment as Tony left the house; she hated how awkward things were once again between them. She wondered if she was being fair; expecting him to live with her when he felt the way he did. She so desperately wanted him to move back in, in the way Tony had first assumed she meant; but every time she thought about asking him a barrage of fear ran through her. She hated herself for it but she just couldn’t get past the fact that he could leave her again. And right now her main priority was Harry; that was something her and Tony could at least agree on.

Preview:

Things seem happier in the Holden household.

Tony is furious when he catches Rachel doing something.