If You Don't Wanna Love Me

[charmed60]

Thank you Kirsty, Danni, Irishgirl, flyingwithoutwings, Suzanne and Char (I think I got you all!) Hehe. So sorry it's taken so long to update, I've been crazily busy with essays and exams but they're finally over. In celebration I have decided to update I hope you enjoy and thank you for reading and commenting

“Hey Tony, where are you taking all that?” Gina asked as she entered the living room and saw Tony piling his belongings in one spot in the middle of the living room.

“I’m moving back in next door” Tony answered glumly, counting his bags.

“Really? Tony that’s fantastic” Gina beamed as she ran forward to give her brother a hug. When Tony didn’t respond however she stopped directly in her tracks, noticing tears in his eyes. “What’s wrong? Shouldn’t you be happy about this? Tony please don’t tell me you’ve changed your mind again.”

“I haven’t changed my mind” Tony muttered. “She just wants help with Harry; I’ve got to sleep in Luc’s old room.” He was struggling not to cry but the pressure in his head was becoming too much. He dropped to the floor, trying to make out he was looking for something for his bag when really he was just trying to hide the tears from his sister.

“Oh Tony I’m sorry, I just assumed…”

“Don’t worry, so did I” Tony laughed at himself as he buried his head in his hands, his elbows rested on his knees. “I made a complete fool out myself.”

“Well…I know it’s not what you wanted but it’s a step in the right direction right? The fact that she’s letting you help out now instead of pushing you away” Gina assured. She hated seeing her big brother so broken, he was usually so strong.

“Yeah you’re right” Tony smiled. “I better get this stuff next door” he continued, placing a grateful hand on his sister’s shoulder. As he lifted his bags up he realised that Gina was right. Out of everybody Rachel could have called earlier, she had chosen him; that must mean something. At least now he had a real opportunity to show her how much he loved her. He looked forward to being able to get up each morning and make her breakfast, to hold her when the leukaemia got too much for her and to keep an eye on her. Tony also couldn’t wait to be able to play with Harry whenever he wanted; he kept thinking that now he didn’t live with them he was going to miss out on his first words. Rachel and him had a competition going as to whether Harry was going to say Mummy or Daddy first. Tony laughed as he remembered bragging about how he was definitely going to say Daddy first but in all honesty he knew Harry was a Mummy’s boy. That’s why when Rachel wasn’t looking he’d sneak Harry out of the room and spend sometimes an hour trying to get him to say Daddy. It hadn’t worked. He opened the front door and rested his bags down, looking up as Rachel limped into the room.

“I’ve just put Harry down, I think all that crying wore him out” Rachel giggled.

“I think he takes after me, the minute he gets a bit of food in his stomach he’s off with the fairies” Tony replied. “Listen I was thinking. I don’t want to sleep in Lucas’s room just in case you need me in the night so, would it be okay if I slept on the couch?” Rachel beamed; she felt touched that he was willing to do that for her.

“Will you be comfortable?” she asked, trying her hardest not to grin like a fool.

“Sure I’ll be fine” Tony grinned.

“Welcome home then” Rachel smiled; she was so glad to have Tony back again.

********************

Rachel put the pen down and rested her head in her hands; she had a huge migraine. She didn’t want to be doing this but she felt like she had no choice, she felt weaker in a way that she couldn’t explain and was really frightened. The last lot of chemotherapy had shown that there was definitely a reduction of cancer cells in her bone marrow but she would still need more treatment. She’d felt hopeful at first knowing that things were going in the right direction, but in the last few months another two rounds of chemo had really got her spirit down. It terrified her but she’d started to give up. Watching Tony with Harry had made her realise how much she couldn’t do anymore, she felt so weak that she couldn’t even manage a walk along the beach and felt guilty for keeping them cooped up. She’d managed to persuade Tony to take Harry out for the day, she knew it wasn’t good for babies to be kept inside and in all honesty she wanted the time alone. She needed to make arrangements and she couldn’t do that with Tony around; she couldn’t do it with Harry in the room, it felt too cruel. She didn’t want to admit to Tony that she’d finally accepted what was going to happen to her, he wouldn’t understand that she just couldn’t fight it any longer.

“We’re home” Tony cheered as Rachel frantically hid her papers under a pillow.

“I wasn’t expecting you so soon” she replied looking back at them. She laughed when she saw them both completely covered in sand and Harry with a huge smile on his face. “What on earth have you two been up to?”

“We’ve been making sandcastles haven’t we buddy?” Tony smiled as he bounced Harry on his hip, his giggling causing them both to laugh. “What have you got there?” Tony added as he noticed a pile of papers poking out from beneath the pillow on her lap.

“Oh it’s nothing” Rachel shrugged off. “Just some junk mail”

“Well give it to me, I’ll put it in the bin for you” Tony offered as he placed Harry on the floor and let him crawl towards his play mat.

“No, no it’s ok I can do it.”

“Rach give it to me” Tony insisted, knowing that Rachel wasn’t being completely honest. She gave in realising she didn’t have the strength to fight him and winced against the awkward silence which occurred as Tony realised what she’d been doing.

“Rachel what the hell is this?” he yelled as he moved to stand in front of her, the papers firmly in his hand. He was breathing deeply and his eyes were glistening with tears.

“It needed to be done” she answered timidly.

“Rachel you’re not dead” he screamed. He felt so hurt, his heart breaking at the thought of Rachel planning her own funeral.

“But I’m going to be Tony; it’s only a matter of time…”

“No, no I don’t want to hear this” Tony interrupted as he placed his hands over his ears.

“I can’t ignore it Tony” Rachel cried.

“Have the doctors said something?” Tony asked cautiously, terrified at what Rachel’s answer might be. “They said you were doing well, I don’t understand.”

“No they haven’t said anything but I can feel it” Rachel explained. Deep down her heart was breaking but she wanted to appear strong, she didn’t want to break down in front of him again. “I’m dying Tony.”

“No, no” Tony muttered, shaking his heads in attempt to throw her words out of his mind. He looked down at the documents in his shaking hands and noticed the choices Rachel had made. “You don’t want flowers or a wake? And why have you chosen this awful plain wooden casket Rachel? It, it won’t be comfortable” he cried, unaware of the logics of what he was saying.

“Because I don’t want people wasting their money” Rachel breathed. “What is the point?”

“The point is it’s for you Rachel. You deserve far more than this” Tony sobbed. “And what if people want to give something, what if they want to bring flowers.”

“Well, maybe they could donate their money to the children’s cancer unit at the hospital. At least it will be helping somebody. I just want to make sure that everything’s done before I go, I need to rewrite my will and make sure all my money goes to Harry…”

“Rachel stop” Tony screamed, his face red with anger. “We don’t need to be talking about this because it’s not going to happen. You’re not going to die.”

“Yes I am Tony” she screamed back, tears running down her face.

“No, no, no you’re not” Tony yelled hysterically as he tore the funeral documents up into tiny pieces. “I can’t believe you are being so selfish, that you’re just giving up. What about Harry, is he not enough of a reason to keep fighting? Are you happy to leave him behind” Tony seethed as he continued to rip the pages until they could no longer be torn. He threw them in the air in anger and left the house slamming the door behind him, causing the whole room to shake. Rachel stared numbly in front of her, watching the paper fall slowly to the floor like ashes from a burning fire. She couldn’t believe that Tony would be so horrible to her; that he would accuse of her of happily giving up. But then maybe he was so cruel because he didn’t want to think about her dying. She really wished she could trust Tony again, wished she could understand him the way she used to be able to, without him even needing to say anything. She felt something touch her leg and looked down to see her beautiful little boy looking innocently up at her.

“Mumma” he mumbled, his legs bouncing as he lifted himself onto his feet. Rachel gasped and reached down carefully to pick him up, a huge smile across her face.

“Did you just say Mumma? Did you?” she cooed as she sat him on her legs which were arched on a foot rest. “Oh bubba I love you so much” she smiled, kissing his cheek and snuggling him onto her chest. She rocked him gently and looked down at his perfect face, his eyes looking directly into hers. “Daddy’s going to be really jealous you know” she laughed as she stroked his hair. “You are the most important thing to me in the whole world Harry and I don’t want to leave you.” Tears began to fall down her face as the reality of death hit her. “But I haven’t got a choice. I know you’re not going to remember me but I’m going to be looking down on you every single minute of every day. I promise. So you better behave okay” she laughed lightly. “And I’m going to need you to keep smiling for your Daddy okay sweetheart? He might be sad for a little bit but if he keeps seeing your gorgeous smile he’s going to be just fine.” Rachel breathed deeply and wiped the tears from her face as she watched her son’s every move. He’d never sat this still before; he’d always been a fidget. But it was like he knew that right now she just needed him there with her.

Preview:

Tony comes home to find Rachel unwell

Rachel is surprised when she has a change of heart

[charmed60]

Thank you so much Kirsty, champagne_char, Suzanne and Charlene. Such lovely comments Tiny little update for you...

Tony crept quietly back into the house. When he’d left earlier he’d been desperate to keep running, he needed to get away. But then he realised that if anything had happened to Rachel she would be all alone; he was too scared to leave her. So he’d sat outside on the porch, watching the sun go down and waiting for Rachel to go to bed. He wasn’t ready to face her again, to bring up the idea that she felt she was dying. It was late at night and the whole house stood in a dark, eerie silence. He used to like the quiet, it made him feel relaxed. But ever since learning about Rachel’s cancer it scared him; it meant he had time to think about things he didn’t want to imagine. He woke up every morning and the silence made him go into a complete panic, terrified that something was wrong with Rachel. It was only when he saw her coming into the living room that he could truly relax. As he dropped down on the sofa he noticed that Rachel had folded a duvet up and placed it on the arm of the chair for him. He laughed to himself; knowing it was her idea of a peace offering. As he reached across to wrap it around him he heard a noise coming from one of the back rooms. Listening intently, it sounded like someone was crying. He stood up and made his way through to the corridor, following the noise which led him to the bathroom. He knocked on the door gently; “Rach” he whispered. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine” she echoed back. “I just need ...” She stopped talking suddenly and Tony could hear her being violently sick.

“Oh Rach” Tony started as she pushed the handle down on the door and began to open it.

“No Tony please. I don’t want you to see me like this.”

“Rach I don’t care…”

“No” she screamed back stopping Tony in his tracks. “I just want to be alone” she cried. “Please Tony.”

He closed the door gently and slid down the wall onto the floor. She might not want him in there but there was no way that he was going to leave her alone. It broke his heart completely to see her so ill. He could hear her being sick constantly and in the moments that she wasn’t he could hear her crying. She didn’t deserve to go through this he thought; to be in so much pain. He so desperately wanted to be able to do something to make her feel better; to fix things, but there was nothing he could do. He realised that this must have been what she felt like when he was mourning Jack’s death; completely useless. He wrapped his arms around himself in an attempt to warm himself up and leaned his head back on the wall. Tears slid slowly down his cheek as he heard Rachel crying, he really wanted to go in there and just hold her. If only he hadn’t have given into Kate’s threats and demands then maybe he would be in there right now. He hadn’t heard from Kate ever since their argument on the phone, he’d tried calling her just to check she was okay but had received no reply. He didn’t understand what had happened to her, the person she was now was not the woman he’d married all those years ago. As he sat there thinking about everything that had happened these past few months, he realised that he couldn’t hear Rachel crying anymore. It was completely silent. Standing up quietly he pushed open the door slowly, his heart breaking at the sight in front of him. Rachel was slumped over the toilet, her arm laying across the seat and her head resting on it. She was asleep. He tiptoed towards her and knelt down next to her, pulling her gently into his arms. Stroking her face softly he lifted her up and carried her slowly towards her bedroom, surprised at how light she was. Thankfully her duvet was already pulled back so he lowered her down on to the bed and went to move his arms away when she grabbed his shirt tightly; her eyes still shut.

“Don’t leave me Tony” she whispered. He looked at her, at how peaceful she looked and smiled.

“I’ll never leave you Rach” he whispered back as he lay down next to her, pulling the blanket tightly around her and snuggling her into his chest. He could feel her breathing gently on his neck and it comforted him as she closed his eyes, allowing himself for the first time to get some proper rest.

Preview:

Rachel and Tony begin to open up but who calls him away?

[charmed60]

Thank you as always Charlene, champagne_char and flyingwithoutwings! Champagne_char: maybe it is too sad but I would love to see this actually happen hehe. I don't know if the writers would like my way of bringing Kate back though but they're welcome to the idea, I won't charge copyright Without trying to spoil things I might need to add a little warning about scenes of a sexual nature but it's extremely mild so I think I'll be okay! I hope you all enjoy, flyingwithoutwings this one is for you

Rachel felt herself waking up, wondering why she felt so warm and comforted. She felt someone clutching her hand loosely and opened her eyes, realising that Tony was in her bed, holding her.

“Tony” she whispered as she patted his chest gently, trying not to laugh at the way his mouth was wide open, as if he was catching flies. It’s something she used to tease him so much for until the day that Tony noticed Harry doing it; all of a sudden Rachel became the weird one for not doing it to. “Tony” she repeated louder, shaking his shoulder until she noticed him stirring.

“Hey, are you feeling better?” he muttered sleepily, running his fingers through his hair. Rachel suddenly felt all tingly and unable to distract her gaze from his strong muscular arms. “Rach?” Tony prodded.

“What are you doing in my bed Tony?” she asked, trying to not make her current feelings obvious.

“You asked me to sleep with you last night?”

“Sleep with me!”

“Well not like that Rach” Tony laughed as Rachel felt her cheeks flush red. She had no idea why she was acting like this all of a sudden.

“Did I? I don’t remember.”

“I wasn’t sure whether you were asleep or not but … I didn’t want to leave, just in case” Tony explained, smiling shyly at her. “Do you want me to go?”

“No” Rachel immediately answered as she wrapped her hand around his back, resting her hand gently on his shoulder. “Just stay for a bit.”

“Sure” Tony whispered as a grin appeared widely on his face. They stayed for a few moments, just enjoying being in each other’s company again. For the first time in the five months since she’d been diagnosed, Rachel had woken up and not once thought about her leukaemia. Having Tony here with her gave her a strength she never knew she had; she felt so happy, so healthy. Rachel smiled as Tony began to stroke her face with the back of his hand; it ran shivers through her body. “Your head feel really hot are you okay?” Tony asked, concern running through him.

“I’m fine” Rachel shrugged, too embarrassed to tell him that it was probably because she was so close to him. She lifted her head up slowly to look at him, her heart racing as she had an overpowering desire to kiss him. Relishing this newfound confidence she had she decided to give in and moved her hand so that it was resting on his face. She reached up towards him, kissing him gently at first. Feeling him hesitating, she pulled him in closer, kissing him more passionately. She smiled as she felt Tony wrap his arms around her and run his hands down her back.

“You are so beautiful” he whispered in her ear as he kissed her neck gently not wanting to hurt her. “Are you sure about this?” he asked, looking her directly in the eyes. He didn’t want her to feel like he was taking advantage of her and most of all, he didn’t want her to regret it.

“I need you to promise me that you’re not going to leave me again Tony” Rachel begged, blinking away tears.

“I promise you with everything I have that I will never, ever leave you” he breathed, stroking her face with his thumb and leaning in for a kiss.

“I need you to prove it to me Tony” she demanded as she leaned away from him. Her weakness was back, she needed assurance from him, physical proof that she could trust him again. She didn’t know exactly what she expected him to do but she knew she couldn’t move on without being able to trust him.

“There’s something I need to tell you then” Tony started as he interlocked his fingers with hers. He realised that the only way he was going to be able to fully gain Rachel’s trust back was to be honest. Even though he was terrified of what she’d think, even though his heart was racing at a million miles an hour and his palms were sweating; he knew it was the only way he had of proving to her that she could trust him.

“Go on” she encouraged.

“Before I do, you need to know that I had no choice, I honestly believed that…” Tony’s phone began to ring in his pocket interrupting him. “Damn it” he cursed as he pulled his hand away from Rachel and reached into his pocket. Not noticing the caller I.D he answered it immediately. Before he had a chance to greet the caller he could hear Kate screaming down the phone. She was hysterical. “Kate don’t, please, we can work something out. Where are you?” he questioned as his voice became frantic. “I’m on my way just…don’t do anything okay. We’ll talk.” He turned around to face Rachel swiftly.

“Rach I’m so sorry. That was Kate, I need to go” he exclaimed as he jumped out of bed and thrust his phone into his back pocket.

“Okay” Rachel answered disappointedly.

“She’s threatening to kill herself, I haven’t got a choice” he replied as he leant down to her level and reached for her hand. “I promise you that when this is sorted I will come right back and explain everything to you. I swear”

“I hope she’s okay” she answered smiling. She didn’t know Kate well but from what she’d seen she couldn’t help thinking that this was part of her plan to get Tony back. Still, she knew he couldn’t take that risk.

“I love you” Tony whispered as he kissed her softly on the lips and rushed out of the bedroom, slamming the front door behind him. Rachel turned over slowly and watched Harry sleeping through the bars of his cot. She was so confused about what just happened; she’d been so determined that she wasn’t going to take Tony back and yet they’d just acted like they were a couple again. She was intrigued about what he was going to tell her, going over and over things in her mind of possible things it could be. He’d said that he hadn’t had a choice and she worried that meant he’d done something bad but had been too afraid to tell her. Although that still didn’t explain how it could be a reason for her to trust him again, if anything it would make things worse. As a wave of nausea passed over Rachel her hand flew to her mouth, she really didn’t want to be sick in her bed. She slowly sat up. Her whole body felt like it was on fire but she was absolutely freezing so she pulled her cardigan tighter around her and rested on the edge of the bed. The nausea had passed thankfully and she just now had to focus on mustering up enough energy to go and make herself a cup of tea. She limped towards the kitchen, stopping every few steps in order to catch her breath when the door bell rang. She groaned, not being in the mood for visitors. As she opened the door she froze, her mind going into overdrive as confusion set in.

Who is at the door?

Tony's worst fears come true.

[charmed60]

Thank you so much flyingwithoutwings, Irishgirl, Charlene and Kirsty. Your comments are as always completely cherished. I'm sorry it's taken so long to update - I obviously can't say why here but every Tachel fan will understand why I haven't been.....in the mood. But you've all been so lovely to me that I decided to update a little more for you. Thank you for your support I hope you enjoy this next chapter:

“Kate what are you doing here? Tony’s just gone to meet you.”

“Is that what he told you?” Kate laughed dramatically. “He’s a bad man isn’t he Rachel.”

“What the hell is going on?” Rachel asked, desperate to get rid of her.

“Tony asked me to drop these round, he just needs you to sign them and we’ll be out of your way” she replied, thrusting a file into Rachel’s hands.

“Tony asked you? What is this?”

“It’s the divorce papers. He’s signed them you just need to do the same here and….here” Kate explained as she indicated the pages to Rachel.

“I don’t know what game you’re playing here Kate but it’s not going to work”

“I’m not playing any game Rachel” Kate shrieked. “Tony asked me to call him in the morning so that he had an excuse to leave. He set this whole thing up because he didn’t want to have to tell you himself.”

“Tell me what”

“That he doesn’t love you Rachel. I’m sorry it must be difficult with the cancer and all but…”

“You know what? I don’t believe you, so why don’t you just get the hell away from my house.”

“If you don’t believe me, then why has Tony signed the papers?” Rachel looked down at the papers held in front of her. She couldn’t believe that he would do that to her, he’d promised he would come home, he swore he would never leave her again and for once; Rachel believed him. She glanced at the signature Kate was pointing at with her perfectly manicured nails and laughed to herself.

“Nice try Kate but I’m not falling for it” Rachel smiled as she threw the file back at her.

“But it’s there right in front of your eyes!”

“Tony has this habit of curling his y’s” Rachel smiled. “At first I teased him for it but you know what, I actually find it endearing.”

“But he never used to” Kate insisted, not realising she had inadvertently admitted to forging his signature.

“Well he does now. I guess you just don’t know Tony. Not like I do.” Rachel crossed her arms smugly, enjoying the feeling of gaining the upper hand and relieved that she’d trusted in Tony. “Why are you doing this Kate?” she continued. “Why are you trying to tear my family apart, I don’t understand.”

“Because I love him” Kate sobbed. “I want him back Rachel. You don’t know what it’s been like for me, having to leave my family to protect them, wait years to be reunited with them and then when I finally do I learn my husband has remarried and my son is dead.” She took a breath, her body shaking as she looked Rachel intently in the eyes. “You have no idea how lucky you are.”

“Me? Lucky? My husband left me for his ex wife and I’m having to face the fact that I’m probably going to die and somehow I’ve got to learn how to say goodbye to my baby son. He’s not going to remember me Kate.”

“Lucas didn’t remember me…”

“But he’s got a chance to get to know you. You’re being given a second chance, something which…I don’t have.” Tears slid slowly down Rachel’s cheeks as again she was being forced to confront the possibility of her death. “Don’t spend your time trying to get Tony back Kate, spend your time getting to know your son. He loves you so much.”

“He’s a good kid” cried Kate.

“Yes he is” Rachel smiled.

“Rachel I am so sorry for anything I’ve put you through, I’ve been selfish. I hope you can understand why I did what I did…”

“Well I can’t say I understand the part where you threatened to take my son off of me.”

“That was a mistake. I would never have done it I just, I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.” Kate shook her head and looked down towards the floor, ashamed of her actions.

“You just…” Rachel began to reply but the room began to spin and she had to hold on tightly to the door to stop her falling down. “I’m sorry” she stuttered “has it got hot in here all of a sudden?” Rachel fanned herself in attempt to cool down and calm the waves of dizziness which were affecting her stability. “You’ve gone through a lot…” Rachel attempted to carry on with her conversation but she couldn’t hold herself up any longer. “Y,y,you should…you should go” Rachel breathed as she turned away and headed towards the kitchen in desperate need of a drink. Every step she took felt like she was walking on air and everything became blurry and began to fade. She didn’t even feel herself hit the floor as darkness engulfed her completely.

“Rachel” Kate screamed as she ran towards her body which was slumped lifelessly on the hard, cold floor. Reaching down to her she felt for a pulse and winced as she felt the burning heat which was radiating from her skin. “Don’t worry, I’ll get help.” Kate shakily pulled her phone from her pocket and called for an ambulance. Feeling completely helpless and unsure what to do, she proceeded to call Tony despite being fully aware that she was going to get a confrontation.

“Tony……no Tony listen to me it’s important…..I know….Tony I can explain but please you need to come to Rachel’s….yes I’m there now…there’s something wrong with her Tony you need to get here now……I didn’t do anything!” Kate winced as Tony put the phone down on her. He’d been furious, ranting at her for not turning up and then screaming at her when he found out she was with Rachel. She put her phone down on the side and leant down next to Rachel, placing a comforting hand on her arm. She was racked with guilt; she knew she shouldn’t have been so horrible to Rachel earlier and she prayed to God that whatever was wrong with her wasn’t a result of her actions.

Preview of next chapter:

Tony arrives home to find Rachel lying lifelessly on the floor - how will he react?

[charmed60]

Thank you so much IrishGirl, Suzanne, Kirsty and Charlene! Such lovely comments Here's the next chapter, I hope you enjoy

“Leah hi” Martha smiled as she greeted her friend at the door.

“Hi, I wondered if I could talk to you before we all head next door to Rachel’s?”

“Of course, come in.” Leah shuffled into the house and smiled as she saw Gina eating her breakfast at the kitchen table. “I haven’t had a chance to call in on Rachel the past week or so I’ve been so busy at the farm. Do you know how things are between her and Tony?” Martha asked as she threw some clothes off of the couch to make room for Leah.

“I think they’re going ok” she replied, sitting down and placing her handbag on her lap. “Rach isn’t saying much really, you know what she’s like. But she did say that things have been so much easier on her since he moved on. I think that there have been a few awkward moments though…” Leah added, unsure of how much she should be telling them about Rachel’s feelings.

“Well that’s understandable. Tony still loves her and I think Rachel does him” Gina chipped in as she sipped her tea.

“She does without a doubt, I think she’s just scared of getting hurt again” Leah replied.

“Well that’s also understandable.” Martha smiled as the room went quiet, all of them sharing the same thoughts but unable to think of a way to resolve the situation.

“Actually the reason I popped in first is because I wondered if we could think of something to do for Rachel. She hasn’t had the strength to leave the house in so long and even though she’s not complaining I think it’s making her go mad. I thought it would be nice if we could figure out a way of getting her out of the house and just giving her something to look forward to” Leah suggested, hoping that Martha and Gina would come up with some inventive ideas.

“Now that sounds like a lovely idea” Gina smiled as Martha agreed, smiling excitedly.

“Ill go and get some paper and a pen and we can brainstorm.”

***************************

Kate stared frantically at her watch; it had only been ten minutes since she’d called Tony and the ambulance yet it had felt like a lifetime; neither of them had turned up. She didn’t know if she should be doing anything, she’d never taken a first aid course or anything but she knew that Rachel still being unconscious wasn’t a good sign. She stroked her arm comfortingly as she heard her mumbling something incoherent under her breath.

“Tony” Rachel whispered strongly and gasped as if she was in agonising pain.

“He’s on his way” Kate reassured before turning her head swiftly towards the front of the house as she heard a car break sharply on the drive and a car door slam. The sound of footsteps came thudding towards her and she looked up nervously as Tony swung into the doorway, his face creased in frantic fear and his forehead sweating with worry.

“Oh God please no” he cried as he raced towards Rachel’s still body, shaking her gently. “Rach, please wake up babe. Come on.” She wasn’t responding. “What the hell happened? What did you do?” he screamed at Kate as he touched Rachel’s face gently, his eyes full of terror.

“I didn’t do anything, she was just talking and then…”

“She’s burning up. Go and get the thermometer it’s in the cupboard above the sink” Tony demanded, clearly not listening to her. He grabbed Rachel’s hand tightly and tried to force the frightening thoughts which were running through his mind out. He hated seeing her like this; her whole body was shivering as if she was cold but she felt so hot to touch. Her cheeks had more colour in them than they’d had for weeks and she was mumbling softly. He leant down and placed his face next to hers as tears rolled down his cheeks. He desperately wanted to understand what she was trying to tell him and it hurt him so much that he couldn’t. What if she was trying to tell him that she was in pain? Tony felt a deep fear in his chest and it was getting worse, he was so scared that this was it. He was terrified that Rachel had been right, that she was going to die.

“Tony, it’s 104.2” Kate gasped as she showed the thermometer to her ex husband.

“Oh God no. Go and call the hospital for me and chase up that damn ambulance” he screamed. “Come here, come here” he cried as he pulled Rachel gently into his arms and held her close to him, nestling his face in her neck. “Please God, don’t take her from me to” he prayed. He never really knew if he believed in God, it’s not something he ever cared enough to think about. But ever since he lost Jack he liked to think that maybe there was something, that he wasn’t actually gone. It frightened him too much to think about it and right now, with Rachel lying lifelessly in his arms; he was willing to try anything.

“She’ll be okay Tony” Kate whispered, desperately wanting to comfort him.

“Don’t you dare talk to me” he seethed back at her as tears continued to roll down his cheeks. “You did this to her.”

“Tony I didn’t I…” She was interrupted by the familiar sound of the ambulance sirens as they pulled up outside the house. Tony felt a frightening sense of déjà vu and cried out loud in order to drown out his terror, holding Rachel tighter.

Preview:

Tony refuses to let Rachel go

Gina talks to Kate

[charmed60]

Thank you so much for your feedback and comments Irishgirl, flyingwithoutwings and Kirsty. You're all far too kind but I'm really pleased you're enjoying it so much and I was able to write things you didn't expect! It took me ages to figure out a way to make Kate work so I'm pleased it did I hope you enjoy this next chapter to, please comment those who read, it makes me smile

“Rachel is going to love this” Leah smiled excitedly. “I can’t wait to see her face when we tell her.”

“Well there’s no time like the present” Gina giggled.

“Guys” Martha warned as she gazed outside the lounge window.

“What’s wrong?” Leah asked. “You think we should do something else?”

“No it’s nothing to do with that. The sirens that just went past, it was an ambulance. They’ve stopped outside Rach’s house.” Leah didn’t even stop to answer as she rushed out of the door as fast as her legs would carry her. Martha and Gina followed closely behind, both frightened of what situation would greet them on the other side of Rachel’s front door.

*****************

As Gina pulled herself up the steps leading to Rachel’s she heard a combination of crying and shouting echoing from the house. As she entered the living room she saw the paramedics trying desperately to pull an unconscious Rachel away from Tony’s arms, but he wasn’t letting go. He was screaming at them to leave her alone, claiming that if they took her away he’d never see her again. Gina was scared and she felt her heart skip a beat, she hated to see her little brother look so frightened. A paramedic looked at her for help and she immediately rushed over to Tony’s side, stepping over Leah who had put a wet towel onto Rachel’s forehead in order to bring down her temperature.

“Tony you need to let her go” Gina started as she tried to prise his hand from Rachel’s back.

“I, I can’t” he cried. “She can’t die; this might be the last time I’ll ever get to hold her.” Tony was sobbing and his knuckles were white where he was gripping Rachel so tightly.

“You need to let them help her. You’ll get to hold her again I promise…”

“I didn’t get to hold Mum again.” Tony looked up slowly at Gina, his eyes filled with tears. “This is how I found her, lying on the floor…shaking…she never woke up.” Gina closed her eyes and bit her lip in an attempt to block out the images of her Mother lying dead on the floor.

“I know it’s hard” she started, swallowing back tears. “But you can’t compare Mum and Rachel. They had different cancers and…Mum was older Tony. She wasn’t as strong as her.” Gina looked down at Rachel and noticed her laboured breathing. “She needs urgent medical attention” she continued as she rubbed Tony’s back reassuringly. “Come on.” Gina encouraged Tony as he gradually loosened his grip and jumped as the paramedics took Rachel off of him, placing an oxygen mask immediately over her mouth. He shut his eyes tightly as he watched her body flop lifelessly onto the floor, praying and praying that she would be ok.

“Who wants to come with her?”

“I will, I do” Tony whispered as he stood up shakily and followed them to the ambulance, thanking Martha weakly as she offered to stay and watch Harry.

“Kate, I didn’t notice you there. What are you doing here?” Gina asked as she witnessed her ex sister in law cowering in the corner. She looked up at her, tears rolling down her face as she tried to talk. “Come in the car with me, we should talk.”

************************

“What are you doing Kate” Gina started after an awkward few minutes of silence as she followed the ambulance to the hospital. “You’re not the same person I knew, what happened?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…”

“Tony told me about the blackmail, about everything. You’ve put him through so much and I don’t understand why.” Gina had been eager to talk to Kate ever since she heard she was back. They’d always got on well and used to always help each other out, babysitting the boys or picking them up from school when the other was busy. “I thought you loved Tony.”

“Can’t you see that I did this all because I love him?” Kate shouted in frustration. “I just want him back Gina.”

“But he’s married to Rachel, they have a little boy. You can’t surely feel okay about taking his father away from him?”

“I can’t think of him Gina, I have to think of myself and my boys; my family.”

“Tony really loves Rachel” Gina stated. “She was there for him during the most difficult time of his life, when Jack died. Do you honestly believe Lucas is going to be any better off if you and Tony get back together?”

“Maybe not but it’s what Jack would want. It’s what I want…”

“What about Tony? Don’t you think he should want it to?” Gina asked, trying desperately to reason with her and keep her eyes focused on the road.

“He…he will want it” Kate stuttered. “He just needs time.”

“Did you see him back there Kate? How broken he was, how frightened he looked. He doesn’t love you, not in the way you want him to and no amount of time is going to change that.”

“I want to make him happy Gina.”

“You did” she immediately replied. “You gave him two beautiful sons and he’s always going to love you for that. But his heart is with Rachel.” Gina pulled up in the hospital car park as she watched the ambulance head towards the emergency entrance. “Listen, I don’t know if it’s a good idea that you come in. I don’t even want to imagine how Tony will be with you if Rachel doesn’t make it. Take my keys and drive yourself back…”

“No I want to come in” Kate interrupted. “I’ve got nowhere else to be” she cried.

“Okay” sighed Gina; too tired and worried to argue. “Just…stay out of the way alright?”

Preview:

Derek has news on Rachel's condition

Tony has a shocking realisation

[charmed60]

Thank you so much Charlene, Suzanne and flyingwithoutwings...every comment you write makes me smile. I hope you enjoy this chapter I've tried to make it as realistic as possible so I hope it's not too far fetched!

The sound of machines bleeping echoed throughout the room. It comforted Tony who was sat by Rachel’s bedside, clutching her hand tightly and stroking it with his thumb. His gaze was fixed on her still form as he waited, praying for any response from her. Sometimes he convinced himself that he’d seen her eye twitch or her finger move slightly but when nothing else happened he realised he’d just been imagining things. “Come on babe, open your eyes for me.” A tear slowly fell from Tony’s eyes as once again he was disappointed; Rachel didn’t respond. At first she’d been slipping in and out on consciousness, never aware of where she was or what was happening. But on the way to the hospital, in the back of the ambulance she’d looked at him directly in his eyes and smiled; as if she was trying to tell him that everything was going to be okay. From that moment on she’d never woken up again. Fear was setting in and Tony started to panic; what if that was her way of saying goodbye? “You can’t leave…” Tony broke down in sobs before he could finish his sentence and brought Rachel’s hand up to his cheek. Leah - who was sitting on the opposite side of Rachel’s bed – rushed up from her chair and knelt down beside him, wrapping her arms around his back.

“She’s going to be okay” Leah cried, trying desperately to believe it herself. “She’s strong.”

“Why are they taking so long?” Tony breathed in between sobs.

“Dr Young said he’d gone to chase her blood results up.”

“Well they should be quicker” Tony interrupted. “All this time that they’re waiting, she’s getting worse Leah. They need to figure out what’s wrong so they can give her something to make her better.”

“I know, they will” Leah soothed. “She’s going to be just fine; you need to be strong for her.”

“I’m trying” Tony cried as he brushed Rachel’s hand along his forehead. “It’s just so hard. She told me that this was going to happen Leah and I didn’t want to talk about it. I got really angry at her. What if she was right? What if this is it?” Leah didn’t know how to answer Tony. She ran through things to say in her mind but she realised they were all promises she couldn’t keep. And the truth was, she felt just as scared as him, she was so worried that she’d never get to talk to her best friend again.

“Sorry for the wait” Derek apologised as he bustled through the door to the Intensive Care Unit. “Pathology have been run off their feet…”

“Just tell me Derek” Tony interrupted as he swiftly shot to his feet, still clasping Rachel’s hand tightly in his. “Is she going to be okay?” Tony could feel his heart beating wildly and his mouth had gone really dry. The next few seconds of his life felt like they were lasting a lifetime and he knew that whatever Derek was about to tell him could bring his world crashing down. Leah weaved her arm around his and buried her head into the crook of his elbow. Tony suddenly realised how he wasn’t the only one being affected by this and that he probably shouldn’t have been so absorbed in his own feelings. Leah was Rachel’s best friend and was just as terrified about losing her. He could feel her shaking next to him and so placed his free hand on her arm, giving it an encouraging squeeze.

“She’s got an infection, it can be quite common in cancer patients…”

“Oh thank God” Tony smiled as he breathed a sigh of relief and brought his hand to his eyes to wipe away the tears.

“Except in Rachel’s case, it’s life threatening” continued Derek. He hadn’t wanted to be the one to break the news to Rachel’s family; he could barely muster the strength to say the words himself but knew he had to remain professional. When he’d received the results his heart had sunk, he knew her chances of survival were pretty slim. Rachel and him had always been more than just co-workers; they were friends. Whenever he had too much of a workload she would always step in to help out and vice versa; even just to swap a shift or cover if the other wanted to escape a bit earlier.

“Wha…what do you mean” Tony stumbled as Derek’s words echoed in his mind; making it difficult for him to concentrate.

“Normally we’d be able to administer antibiotics and her body would do the rest of the work but…she’s just not strong enough. The chemotherapy has weakened her immune system and whilst it’s helped to kill the cancer cells, it’s destroyed her healthy cells to.”

“So, what do we do?” Tony questioned, begging Derek for some glimmer of hope that everything would be alright. “There must be something, please tell me there’s something.”

“Our only hope is to do the bone marrow transplant now.”

“Okay then we do it now.” Tony felt like he was experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute he thought Rachel was going to be okay and the next he felt like Derek was trying to tell him to say his final goodbyes. He looked to Leah for comfort and reassurance but her body was frozen, her eyes focused firmly on the floor. He could see tears brimming and it really scared him. Leah was usually so positive so to see her worried made him think he should be worried to.

“It’s not as simple as that” Derek explained tentatively. “For it to be successful we need to find a match, someone who has the same tissue type as her. She only has one brother doesn’t she? Where is he?”

“I, I don’t know” Tony responded. “I’ll go and call him.”

“He’s in London” Leah piped up, her eyes still not moving from their spot as if she’d totally given up hope.

“That’s not going to work” Derek answered as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration. He felt so angry; he was a doctor and therefore should be able to have a solution to the problem he thought.

“What? Why not? She hasn’t got any other full blood relatives. Derek please.”

“Rachel hasn’t got that much time Tony” he answered, wincing as the atmosphere shifted to one of terror. “By the time he gets here and we go through the whole process of testing his tissue, he might not even be a match and it could be too….”

“No” Tony screamed. “Don’t you dare finish that sentence. She can’t die, she wont, it’s, it’s not right, she…” Tony began muttering madly under his breath as he tried to make sense of the situation. He heard Leah crying softly next to him and held her close to him. “What about Harry?” Tony whispered timidly.

“No way” Leah shouted immediately as she broke away from him. “You know Rachel would never allow that.”

“You’re right” Tony cried, his cheeks flushed red with shame. “I didn’t mean to….I just…I’m scared Leah.”

“I know, so am I” she replied wrapping her arms around him as they cried together, desperately trying to gain comfort for each other.

“I think the best option is to look through the donor list and see if there’s anyone who is a match” Derek whispered shyly.

Tony’s head which was nestled in Leah’s neck shot up quickly and he tore himself away from her before pacing around the room. He ran his fingers through his hair and began mumbling incoherently to himself as if he was trying to talk but his mouth wouldn’t allow it.

“Are you okay Tony?” Leah asked cautiously, surprised by his sudden reaction and frightened that he was going insane.

“I can’t believe…I can’t believe I forgot” he chuckled as a wide smile appeared on his face. He ran forward and placed his hands either side of a shocked Derek’s shoulder. “Everything’s going to be okay now, I know it.”

“Maybe you should sit down” Derek suggested as he looked warily towards Leah and tried to guide Tony towards a nearby chair.

“I’m on the donor list” Tony blurted out; tears of happiness dwelling in his eyes. “I, I joined it when my Mum died, they took the blood, maybe I’m a match.” Silence filled the room and all that could be heard was the sound of Tony’s heavy breathing as he attempted to calm himself down. “Well go and check” Tony demanded, frustration filling his voice at the blank expression on Derek’s face.

“Tony listen to me. I will check but I have to warn you, the chance of you being a match is slim. Very slim.” Derek didn’t know how to feel at Tony’s revelation. If he wasn’t a doctor he’d probably be the same; filled with hope at the possibility that Rachel could be saved. But he’d seen too much, seen families hopes crushed too many times and he no longer allowed himself to feel optimistic. He always thought of the worst case scenario knowing that way he could never be disappointed.

“I understand, but please. Will you check?” Tony tried not to let the huge blow of devastation that he felt hit him show on his face. He shakily made his way over towards the chair which was placed by Rachel’s bedside and resumed his position from earlier, keeping a watchful eye over her. He felt Leah place her hand on his shoulder as he held Rachel’s pale hand in his and winced as the door closed behind Derek. All he had to do now was wait.

Preview:

Tony reacts to Derek's news

Gina and Leah rally around to offer their support

[charmed60]

Has it really been one week? I'm so sorry and thank you so much for requesting I update hehe - makes me feel special Thank you to champagne_char and Charlene. I might have stretched realism in this chapter but hey it's my fic, I can do what I want Hope you enjoy!!

The clock ticked slowly. Machines were bleeping regularly. Children were crying and doctors were pacing the corridors, screaming out medical terms neither Tony nor Leah understood. Tony hadn’t taken his eyes off of Rachel since Derek had left the room; he spent his whole time willing her to pull through, repeating over and over in his head prayers that he would be a match. That he would be able to save Rachel’s life. Every time he thought he’d said it enough he felt he had to say it once more; just in case. Leah however had her eyes fixed on the clock. She knew it was making time feel like it was moving even slower but she couldn’t bear to look at Rachel. Every time she looked at her pale and weak frame it reminded her how close to death she was. She didn’t look like her best friend and it scared her. Suddenly the door swung open causing both Leah and Tony to look up simultaneously in surprise. Derek was standing in front of them, a bewildered look plastered on his face and tiny beads of sweat glazed across his forehead. He was trying to mutter something but couldn’t find the right words to say.

“You’re not going to believe this” he finally spluttered as he straightened his shirt in an attempt to remain professional.

“What is it? What’s going on?” Tony rambled, clutching his chest as that familiar wave of fear passed through his body. He slowly rose to his feet, never once letting go of Rachel’s hand.

“You were right” Derek replied, his hands waving animatedly in front of him. “I thought it was impossible but you were right. You’re a match Tony.” Those words cut through Tony and he felt unable to stand.

“Are you sure?” he asked. Tears sprung to his eyes and he struggled to control his beaming smile. “I could save Rachel’s life, is that what you’re saying?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying. But you need to be sure that you want to do this. It can be quite painful…”

“I don’t care about that” Tony screamed as he ran towards Leah and lifted her in the air, ignoring her shrieks to put him down. They were both laughing and tears were pouring down their face; although for once they were tears of joy. “I can’t believe it” he added.

“I don’t want to ruin the party” Derek laughed as he enjoyed the momentary feeling of happiness “but we have to move quickly if this is going to have any chance of working. We need to give Rachel a high dose of chemotherapy before we carry it out.”

“I understand” Tony answered as he placed Leah gently down on the floor and darted over to Rachel’s bedside.

“You hear that Rach? You’re going to be okay.” He held her hand tightly in his and stroked her forehead softly. “I just hope that this proves to you how much I care about you. I love you so much.” He placed a lingering kiss tenderly on her lips and forced himself to follow Derek out of the room as he threw loads of information about the procedure at him. Tony didn’t hear a word he said though; he was too overwhelmed by what was happening. Maybe things were finally going to be okay he thought.

*********************

Tony blearily opened his eyes and struggled to focus; the room was so brightly lit. “Hey there little brother, how are you feeling?” he heard a cheery voice soothe beside him. As he turned his head gently he saw Leah and Gina standing beside him, looking at him with sympathy etched across their face.

“Rachel” he mumbled as loudly as he could, but the oxygen mask which was fixed across his face was making it difficult. He looked wildly around the room to see where she was and began wondering whether the sympathy he was receiving was because the transplant hadn’t worked. “Wh, where is she?” he cried and the panic caught in his throat; he tried to sit up but a searing pain tore through his hip and he fell forcefully back onto his side.

“Tony, calm down” Gina shouted as she placed her hands either side of his face and forced him to look her in the eyes. “Rachel’s in theatre” she whispered, gently stroking his cheeks with her thumb. “We don’t know much yet but Julie came in a little while ago and told us it was going well.” She smiled weakly at Tony and winced at the intensity she saw in his eyes. She could tell he was struggling to fight off the sleepy effects of the anaesthetic but was desperate to find out about Rachel. “So how about you get some sleep and I’ll wake you up when she’s back?” she suggested.

“N,n no I wanna…I wanna stay awake, I want to…” Tony clenched his fists and blinked profusely, desperate to stay awake and be the first to hear about Rachel.

“You know what Rachel would say, she’d tell you to rest and stop worrying so much” Leah giggled, watching as Tony finally gave in and closed his eyes.

“Make sure she knows I love her and I'm so sorry” he whispered, before sleep overtook his body and his arm which was clutched to his hip dropped gently to his side. Gina resumed her seat next to her brother and looked up at Leah to see her staring at Rachel’s empty bed.

“She’ll be okay Leah”

“I know” she smiled unconvincingly as he forced herself not to look at her watch again. She shook her legs impatiently and buried her head in her hands as Gina rested her head down next to Tony.

In the panic of everything, neither of them had noticed that Kate was lurking outside of Tony’s room, looking through the glass window with envy. “It’s not fair” she cried as she dug her nails into the wooden door frame, not even flinching as beads of blood ran slowly down her fingers. She’d watched Tony willingly put himself through so much pain, through unnecessary surgery and emotional trauma; just for her. It sickened her completely; she wanted to see him make that sacrifice for her. Her mind became filled with schemes and ways that she could see that happen. She wondered if she went through with what she’d threatened before, if she hurt herself bad enough then Tony would realise how much he loves her and come back. Gina looked up towards the door and Kate quickly ducked behind, creeping away swiftly so that she wouldn’t be seen. Memories of how things used to be caused a giant pang in her heart. She could still see her little Jack playing football in the back garden with Tony and his cousins whilst her and Gina were cooing over the newborn Lucas. She missed them so much; she missed being part of a family and desperately wanted it back, no matter what the cost.

Preview: Rachel is brought back from theatre

[charmed60]

Whoops sorry!!! Seeing as you asked so nicely Thank you so much Charlene, Kirsty, Irishgirl and flyingwithoutwings. The efforts you put into your comments mean a lot to me so thank you I hope this is the chapter you've all been waiting for.

“How did it go?” Leah tentatively asked Derek as Rachel was wheeled back into her room, covered in tubes and wires. “She looks so sick.” She sobbed as she struggled to find space to hold her hand amongst the needles pierced into her skin. Holding her wrist, she listened intently as Derek explained how the operation went well but they wouldn’t know anything for a while yet and that they’d keep a close eye on her for improvements in her condition. Leah noted that her temperature had come right down but he explained that was due to the fluids they’d pumped through her and wasn’t necessarily a sign that she was getting better. Leah sighed, she’d been so desperate to believe that Rachel would come back from the transplant and somehow be miraculously cured, but she knew that wasn’t really possible. “We should wake up Tony” she reminded Gina in an attempt to change the subject.

“I think it’s best we let him sleep” she answered. “There’s no change in Rachel’s condition and all he’s going to be able to do is lie there and worry.” Leah nodded, realising that she was right. “Life’s so cruel Gina” she mused. “Why do bad things always happen to good people? It’s not fair.”

“I wish I could answer that” Gina replied, thinking back to how many loved ones she’d lost in her life; Jack, her Mum. Yet the scumbags who’d infiltrated themselves in her life like her ex husband were alive and well and seemed to have every good fortune fall straight into their lap. Hours passed by and not a word was spoken between the two as they both created a vigil by their loved ones bedsides.

“Rachel?” Leah piped up as she noticed her best friend’s hand move. She stood up swiftly from her chair and was joined by an excited Gina at her side as they both beamed at Rachel, their eyes filled with tears of happiness.

“What are you both looking at?” Rachel whispered weakly as she opened her eyes gently, unaware of the trauma her friends had just been through. She didn’t know where she was or what was happening and desperately tried to take in her surroundings in an effort to understand what was going on. She couldn’t feel any pain. She didn’t understand how but the familiar smell of the hospital soon hit her and she realised where she was.

“Charming Rach” Leah laughed as she squeezed her wrist encouragingly, pleased to hear her cheeky sense of humour again. “Just take it easy okay” she scolded, pushing her back as she tried to sit up. “You’ve had a major operation.”

“I feel really good” Rachel smiled, slightly delirious from the cocktail of painkillers. “You know that you’re my best friend don’t you?”

“Well I hope so” Leah giggled. “I haven’t washed my hair in three days because of you; if that isn’t a sign of friendship I don’t know what is.”

Rachel smiled and paused for a moment. She closed her eyes gently and breathed in deeply, relishing in the fact that she was pain free. She hadn’t felt like this in a really long time. She felt so strong, like she could take on the world.

“Do you think we should tell her?” she heard Gina whisper quietly and it broke her from her elated state.

“Tell me what?” Rachel started to panic; what was it they knew that she didn’t? Was she going to die? Where was Tony?

“I’ll leave you two to talk” Gina smiled as she left the room, aware that Leah was probably the best person to tell Rachel.

“Leah what’s going on?” Rachel looked frantically at her friend, watching as she sat down on the bed in front of her.

“You were really poorly Rach” Leah started as she blinked away tears “and Derek said the only chance you had of surviving was to have the bone marrow transplant…”

“The transplant? Wait I’ve had it already?” Rachel gasped as she looked beside her bed and noticed a bag of blood hanging from a metal frame. She followed the tube down and noticed it was inserted into her hand.

“You’re going to need to have a few blood transfusions” Leah explained. “They stripped your body of pretty much all of your red blood cells I think they said and they had to stop your immune system from working…”

“But how?” Rachel interrupted. She was fully aware of the medical procedure but didn’t understand how they’d obtained a match so quickly. She looked up at Leah desperate for answers but all she did was turn her head to the side. Rachel followed her gaze and gasped when she saw who was lying next to her.

“Tony?” she whimpered, her voice cracking with sadness. “Is he okay?” she added. Her heart was palpitating with fear at seeing him look so helpless. “I don’t…understand.”

“Well you needed bone marrow and Tony was a match. Can you believe it? It’s so amazing, I mean what are the chances that your husband…” Leah began to ramble but drifted off when she heard Rachel crying. “Hey why are you crying sweetie? It’s great news.”

“I just can’t believe he did this for me” Rachel sobbed gently so as to avoid intensifying the pain she could suddenly feel.

“Oh come here” Leah soothed as she pulled Rachel towards her and tried her best to comfort her. “He wanted you to know that he loves you more than anything. That’s why he did this Rach, not just to save your life, but to prove himself to you. To prove how much he cares and loves you.” A silence fell in the room as Rachel contemplated what Tony had done for her and what it meant for them. She watched him as he slept, his chest rising and falling gently; he looked so peaceful. But she knew what pain he would have gone through, particularly if the operation was carried out as quickly as Leah has implied. It hurt her to think that he’d gone through that agony for her. He might have saved her life. Tears fell swiftly down her cheeks as she realised the sacrifice he had made and a range of emotions washed through her. She felt so proud of him, proud to call him her husband and so lucky that she was the one he had chosen to be his wife. And more than anything she finally allowed herself to admit how much she truly loved him.

“Do you think he’s in pain?” Rachel whispered as she watched him intensely for any sign that he might be hurting.

“He looks happy to me” Leah replied. “You should have seen him when he found out he was a match, he was running around this room like a crazy person, spinning me around in the air…” Rachel giggled as she imagined the scene Leah was describing. “He’s a really good man Rach.”

“I know” she smiled in response. Her face fell as she saw Tony begin to stir, she suddenly felt nervous. She didn’t know what to say to him, how could she even begin to express how grateful she was for what he did? The last time they’d seen each other they were getting intimate and Rachel’s cheeks flushed at the memory. She felt embarrassed.

“I’ll leave you two to talk” Leah whispered as she quietly left the room and joined Gina outside who was looking through the glass panned window smiling. Rachel lay on her side so that she was at Tony’s eye level, running through things to say to him in her mind; practising them over and over so she would get it right.

“Rach, oh my…you’re awake…are you…” Tony was frantic as he opened his eyes and saw her looking back at him.

“Shh, it’s okay” Rachel hushed. She smiled at him, realising that no words needed to be said between them. Reaching out her arm towards him, she kept looking at him hoping that he would understand how she felt. He slowly and shakily reached out his hand to meet hers and clasped his fingers tightly around her palm. Rachel smiled even wider and they both allowed themselves to close their eyes and fall asleep, still holding tightly on to each other.

Preview:

Tony finally tells Rachel everything, how will she react?

[charmed60]

Wow thank you both flyingwithoutwings and Kirsty for your reeeeally lengthy, detailed replied. You both wrote such lovely things and I honestly do appreciate the time you take to reply so much so thank you. This chapter is a bit more lighthearted - actually the next few are and I'll be finishing this one up soon. I do have another one in the making that I've started writing though - it's a lot less Tachel friendly although still focuses on them but it involves a lot more characters; I wanted to try something different so I hope you will read that one to Anyway enough of me talking, here's the chapter:

“Morning beautiful” Tony smiled as Rachel opened her eyes to find him staring straight at her. She blushed slightly and prayed that she hadn’t been dribbling or anything equally embarrassing at any point. “How are you feeling?” he boomed in a husky voice that sent shivers through her body.

“Better than I have in a long time” she smiled gratefully. “Although I can’t feel my arm at all.” Tony apologised as he realised he was still holding on tightly to Rachel’s hand and tried not to laugh as he watched her struggling to lift it onto the bed. “It’s completely numb” she complained. “That’s the last time I hold your hand all night.” They both laughed, enjoying the moment of happiness between them.

“Tony…” Rachel started after a moment of comfortable silence. She didn’t know how to even begin to thank him for what he’d done but it was a conversation she knew they had to have. “What you’ve done for me…”

“Rachel, you don’t have to do this. Honestly.”

“I want to” she interrupted. “You might have saved my life, do you have any idea what that means to me?”

“I love you” Tony explained bluntly. “And I would do it again in a heartbeat if you needed me to.” His eyes swelled with tears as he relived the memory of finding her lying lifelessly on their living room floor. “I thought you were going to die Rach, I thought that I was never going to get a chance to explain everything to you. I was so scared that I was going to lose you.”

“I love you to” Rachel smiled through tears. She was sick of hiding her true feelings from him, tired of trying to hide it just to protect herself.

“You do?” Tony beamed. He shot up in bed, ignoring the pain which was gnawing through his bones and ignoring Rachel’s demands for him to lie back down.

“Tony you’re going to hurt yourself” she lectured, stifling a laugh as he tangled his legs in the bed sheet and almost fell head first in front of her. “Nice dress” she teased, referring to the hospital gown he had on.

“I can’t say it’s my colour” he whispered before kissing her gently on the lips.

“Tony” she murmured, pulling away from him. “This is….amazing…it really is.” Rachel hesitated; she didn’t want to spoil the moment. “But I need to know everything, why you left, why you told me you’d fallen out of love with me. Everything.” She looked into his eyes whilst stroking his hair and hoped he would be as willing to tell her as he was before Kate called him away.

“Absolutely, you deserve to know” Tony smiled. “But can I get into bed with you first because it is really cold out here?” he begged, his whole body shivering.

“Sure” Rachel smiled as she pulled back the sheet covering her and shuffled gently as far towards the edge of the bed as she could. She nervously looked up at him and moved closer as he encouraged her to lie on his chest, wrapping his strong arms around her frail frame. She became more confident and nestled closer to him, resting her head in a dip in his chest that seemed to be created for her. Tony began to talk, his breath tickling her forehead. He explained everything to her, about the accident, about Kate’s blackmail. Rachel froze.

“I can’t believe it” she gasped after a moment of awkward silence.

“I’m really sorry Rach. I know I should have told you…”

“Why didn’t you? Didn’t you trust me to understand?” Rachel interrupted; her voice fraught with hysteria. She moved away from Tony intent on looking at him for his reaction but her body reminded her of its weakness and she fell back on the bed.

“Are you okay?” Tony gasped as he sat up and helped her into a sitting position. “Maybe we shouldn’t be having this conversation right now?”

“I’m fine” she snapped, pushing him away. “I just can’t believe you didn’t tell me this from the start” Rachel cried feeling insulted. “Everything I went through, thinking that you didn’t love me and that you hated me. Having to find out that I had cancer and could die, I was all alone. Tony, none of that had to happen if you’d just told me.”

“I know, I know” Tony replied, his head hung in shame and regret. “It had nothing to do with me not trusting you Rachel. I was scared.” Saying it out loud made Tony realise how stupid he’d been, he knew he’d made a bigger deal out of it than it ever had to be. He felt ashamed, blaming himself all over again for not being there during Rachel’s most difficult time. “I thought…that you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.”

“That doesn’t make any sense Tony, why would I have left you for a mistake that happened years ago?”

“Because it’s just like what happened with your Dad” he stated, frustrated yet slightly relieved that everything was finally out in the open. He saw Rachel’s shocked and confused expression. “Your Dad got drunk and because of that somebody died. When you found out you pushed him out of your life Rachel, I was afraid that you would do the same to me.”

“Tony…” Rachel sighed, her expression softening as she realised how wrong he had interpreted everything. “Your situation is absolutely nothing like what happened with my Dad. He blackmailed me, tried to force me; his own daughter; into lying for a crime he committed by using my vulnerable Mum as some sort of emotional bargaining tool.” Rachel blinked away tears at the memory of her mother and forced the feelings of anger towards her father away; she didn’t want Tony to pick up on them and think it was aimed at him. “You on the other hand were involved in a tragic accident that would have happened whether you’d had a drink or not. It was those so called friends of yours who should be carrying this guilt around Tony, not you. They are the ones to blame for what happened that night.” She reached her hand forward and placed it on his, giving it an affectionate squeeze as she saw a tear crawl slowly down his cheek.

“I’m so sorry Rach, I’ve been an idiot…” he apologised, his shame so strong that he couldn’t even face looking at her.

“Yeah you have.” She paused. “But I love you and…I think you’ve suffered enough.” He looked up at her through glazed eyes, expecting to see a face of anger and hate but instead seeing a look of love and adoration. “Come here you big idiot” she laughed, holding out her arms and wrapping them tightly around his back.

“Thank you so much” he cried, feeling immense relief at everything finally being out in the open. And to know that Rachel didn’t blame him for the accident, he just couldn’t put in to words how ecstatic that made him feel. He smiled and closed his eyes as he felt Rachel kiss his neck softly and bury her face in his shoulder. He couldn’t remember feeling this happy for a really long time.

Preview:

Rachel opens up to Tony and shares her fears.

Tony misses Rachel not being home.