Bound By Fear, Rescued By Love

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 10

Roman eased into the drive confused as to why Nic’s and Rachel’s cars seemed to the parked up next to Ella’s. Not that Ella would be going anywhere any time soon remembering her fear of the outside he thought with a groan. He parked the car and hopped out collecting the groceries that Ella had sent him out for earlier and moved into the house.

“What’s going on?” he asked looking at the two women, his eyes searching out the kids and more importantly Ella.

“Oh Dad,” Nic sobbed the words and he sucked in a sharp breath.

Walking through to the kitchen he dumped the bags on the top and moved to face the two women standing just inside the lounge.

“What’s happened?” he asked addressing Rachel.

“I’ve had to sedate Ella.”

Roman looked at the both of them in turn before his eyes went back to look at Rachel.

“Start from the beginning. Where are the kids?”

“They are in the nursery.” This was from Nic.

“Roman,” Rachel began stepping forward and placing her hand on his arm.

He got no comfort from her touch, feeling instead a chill go through him and he resisted the urge to shake off her hand, knowing it wasn’t her fault.

“Nic came over to collect the children and Sophie ran out into the garden.”

Roman nodded before looking at his daughter, he could tell that she was upset and perhaps shocked by just how bad Ella was.

“And?” he prompted when Rachel had fallen silent.

“I was trying to sort out Robbie,” Nic said softly wringing her hands together. “Ella went out to get Sophie, and well,”

“Apparently Sophie thought it was a game and kept running,”

“Robbie set Sam off.” Nic put in glancing at Rachel.

“So what happened?” Roman murmured in a calmer voice.

“Ella had a panic attack, she couldn’t get Sophie or Sam and then Meggy and Georgie ran outside with Angel.”

Roman nodded and put his hand on Nic’s shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting gesture despite the fact that right now he felt he couldn’t do anything to help anybody, least of all his beautiful wife. He thought of her having to be sedated and groaned remembering how much she hated it.

“It’s ok, I take it you got the kids in or are they still running wild?” he asked and got the desired outcome when Nic shot him a half smile.

“Dad, she told me she wasn’t doing so good and I thought she was…”

Roman sighed and nodded even without Nicole finishing the sentence.

“It is ok Nic, I know it’s bad but this is Ella we are talking about, when does she let anything beat her?”

Nic nodded and then gave a small sob before finding herself encased in her father’s embrace. He held her close letting her absorb the events of the day. His eyes went to Rachel and he gave the woman a half smile. He wondered what Ella had talked about to her, part of him not liking the fact that he couldn’t be the one Ella could talk to and then dismissed the macho feelings. Ella needed help, where she got it didn’t matter.

“I better go,” Rachel announced after a moment.

Roman nodded acknowledging her before he released Nic slowly.

“How long before Ella wakes?” he asked quickly.

“A few hours.”

He nodded again before seeing Rachel out to her car resisting the urge to question her more about Ella. He watched her drive off before returning to the house and over to Nic.

“Let’s get a cup of coffee and go see the kids,” he suggested moving through to the kitchen.

“How, when.”

“Ella?” he looked upwards as though he were able to see through the ceiling and into the bedroom where Ella lay before glancing back at his daughter. “I didn’t even know something was wrong until a week ago,” he was forced to admit.

“Is it just because of Gardy?”

Roman stilled and looked at his hands at the mention of the other man. He wished it was because of Gardy. The other man was dead and could no longer get to them, except that somehow he was; somehow he was sneaking in past their defences and corrupting their happiness. The other man was a poison, a slow insidious poison.

“In part,” he murmured after a long silence.

He focused on making the coffee and handed her a cup before collecting his own and easing out to the veranda. He didn’t have to turn his head to know that Nic followed him. Her perfume reached him and he knew that if he asked he would have been told that it was by some designer he’d never heard of. He half shook his head as if to master the whirling thoughts going round it and looked over at his elder daughter.

“I don’t know what to tell you, you’ve seen her so you know what it’s like.”

“She told me she was afraid of going out but it’s more than that isn’t it?”

“Nic I don’t know, I think that it’s all tied up with Sam and his kidnap. Ella has been trying to deal with it herself, you know she likes to think she is superwoman sometimes, well it’s obviously become too much.” He muttered the words before sipping from his cup. He found that even talking about it to Nic felt like a betrayal of his wife.

“So how do we help her? She wanted me to take the kids tonight, do I still…”

She trailed off when Roman shook his head.

“I have to be guided by her Nic, so right now I don’t know how to help her.” He placed his all too soon emptied cup on the table before looking at his daughter. “Even Sam?” he asked slowly thinking about what she’d said and watched Nic nod. “Oh,” he murmured shocked. “Can you take them in a couple of days? It sounds like Ella was trying something.”

“Sure, I’m here I’ll do whatever you want to help.”

Roman smiled at her words.

“I wouldn’t expect less of you,” he murmured.

The next couple of hours passed quickly as he spent time with his grandkids before Nic took them home leaving him with sorting out the rest of the children. First there was dinner for them and then baths before bedtime. He promised them that their mother would come and hug them when she woke from her nap and found himself grinning at Sophie’s declaration that ‘Mama slept lots’. Even with Ella asleep he still expected her to somehow manage to poke him in the ribs when he agreed with his daughter.

The children settled he moved into the bedroom and eased down on the bed next to his sleeping wife. Reaching out to her he gently touched her face and frowned when she started as though he was attacking her. He knew that she was dreaming then and quickly moved to wake her.

“Ella,” he called.

A few minutes passed before she finally opened her eyes and even then it took another few minutes for her to focus. She blinked up at him.

“Roman,” she whispered hoarsely.

“I’ve got some food ready, you should eat.”

She blinked again at the innocuous words before easing up into a sitting position, and frowning she looked down and saw herself still in her clothes. Memory of her melt down shot into her head and she groaned.

“I…”

“Let me help you up,” he told her and pealed back the covers.

Ella found herself twisting to put her legs on the ground feeling like they were made of rubber. She stood shakily and felt Roman reaching out to put his hands on her waist to help her.

“The kids?”

Was that her voice she wondered, at the croaky sound slipping past her dry lips. She needed a drink, needed to brush her teeth and splash water on her face, and she acknowledged slowly, she needed some food.

Roman’s hands felt warm on her skin and strangely comforting when before she would have pulled away from him. Looking down into his eyes, he was still seated on the side of the bed; she gave him a little smile.

“I’ll be out in a minute,” she whispered and moved into the en suite.

Roman watched her, seeing a gentle grace in her movements before he stood and straightened the bed covers. He only turned again when she came out of the ensuite and moved over to the dressing table. She dragged her hairbrush through her hair and glared at him as he smirked at her.

“I’m going to get it cut.” She muttered.

Stepping to her side he removed the brush from her hand and began to slowly guide it through her hair taking his time to ease out the tangles. He placed the brush down when he’d finished knowing of course that normally he would have tumbled her back into the bed and tangled her hair all over again. There were so many things that turned him on about her, the way she’d look at him from under her lashes, that certain smile, when she’d walk with that extra swing in her hips. He missed her so much, missed all the little touches and the kisses and he felt a wave of sadness going through him.

“What’s wrong?”

Her simple question broke into his thoughts and he forced himself to shake off the darkness and meet her enquiring gaze in the reflection in the mirror.

“Just tired,” he murmured and that was true too. “Let’s go eat.”

Ella nodded and allowed him to take hold of her hand and lead him down the stairs.

“Do you want the tv on or some music?” he asked as he released her hand to walk into the kitchen and see to the food.

Ella watched his back as he walked away from her. She saw the set of his shoulders and knew he was tense. She couldn’t blame him for keeping stuff from her and then she gasped, what if he was giving up on her, how was she going to manage without him especially when today had been fraught and so out of control.

“What are you thinking?” his voice murmured as he walked over to where she was still standing. He placed a tray on to the coffee table.

“Nothing,” she said and bit her bottom lip.

Roman grinned at her suddenly before he handed over the bottle of water.

She accepted the bottle and took a very long drink.

“Don’t you want to…”

“El, let’s eat ok,” he cut her off and she looked at him with a grateful expression and they both sat down on the long sofa.

“This is nice.”

“The food?”

“No, I’d,” she stopped and bit her lip again before sucking in a deep breath and starting again. “I wanted us to have some time without the kids.”

“Hence Nicole being here,” Roman nodded. “I told her that we’d want her to babysit again in a couple of days.”

Ella shot him a look before she glanced out of the back door. Although it was closed and the veranda was between her and the garden she felt a shiver of apprehension.

“I’m not sure.”

Roman nodded that bland expression on his face again before he grinned suddenly and looked at her.

“Did you panic because she was taking the kids?”

“no,” Ella began and realised the trap he’d set up. She groaned and pushed at him before smiling as he leaned over and kissed her gently. “I hate you.”

“I hate you too,” he shot back.

“Oh Roman,” Ella sighed and pushed the plate away before turning to him. He too discarded his plate and lifted her on to his lap holding her close.

“So what happened?”

“Just that the kids were outside and I couldn’t..” her voice broke as she remembered. “You were ok when I took them out yesterday,” he pointed out.

“Because you’d keep them safe,”

“You didn’t think like that with Sam.”

She felt his words hit her like blows and frowned at the way her words didn’t make an awful lot of sense. It was true she struggled to let him near Sam and yet she was fine with him looking after the others.

“I just, oh I don’t know.” She shrugged.

Leaning forward he kissed her again feeling hopeful when she responded instead of pulling away.

“Let’s eat.” He murmured after a time and she eased off his lap to sit beside him again.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 11

Ella looked over at Rachel again before taking a long drink of her coffee.

“My anxiety stems around Sam,” she stated quietly, “I can’t seem to let anyone else look after him.”

“Does that include Roman?”

Ella nodded before sighing.

“So how do I get past this?” she asked after a while.

“Do you trust Roman to look after the other children?” Rachel asked giving her a curious look.

“Yes,” Ella whispered her response.

“So back to Sam, what do you feel would happen if Roman looked after him?”

Ella flinched before her eyes ran around the room. She caught sight of the patches of paint on the far wall where Roman had used some tester pots to try and work out what paint she wanted for the walls. She looked at the patchwork of colours and sighed.

“What are you thinking now?”

She started at Rachel’s question feeling it intruding on her thoughts, on her privacy and turned towards the other woman, her lips framing different responses before signing once more.

“I was looking at the colours over there and thinking about how mixed up they were,” Ella stated.

“A metaphor for you?”

Ella nodded at Rachel’s words before standing and looking around. She spied what she looking for and picked up a black marker pan and uncapped it heading over to the wall. Sucking in a deep breath she wrote in one painted square the words ‘Sam’s Kidnap’ and then moving on to the next she wrote: ‘Trust’. She shot Rachel a look before amending ‘trust’ to read ‘trusting Roman’.

“Ok Ella, what else?” Rachel prompted.

“Sex.”

She blushed after uttering the word aloud before writing it in one of the squares. That left six others she could write in and she stopped looking at them feeling her mind go blank.

Rachel stood and walked over to her side placing her hand gently on Ella’s shoulder.

“Let’s look at these to start with,” she suggested.

“I want him but then I don’t,” Ella said biting her lip and looking down at the bare floorboards.

“So the times you want him, what are they like?”

“I feel scared, nervous, uncertain.”

“What are you uncertain about?”

“God Rachel, I don’t know. I just, think it will be bad, that, I er,” Ella flushed feeling heat rising up in her cheeks as she thought about it. She didn’t think that Sex would be any good between them at all. Especially when she kept freezing up at his touch.

“Ok, do you think that trusting him and sex is linked?”

Ella started at Rachel’s question and focused on the words she’d written on the wall. Trusting Roman was next to sex. She rarely spoke about sex to anyone, believing that it should remain private between her and Roman and here she was broadcasting it. Drawing big flaming arrows pointing out what a failure she was.

“I didn’t think it was,” Ella finally spoke, answering Rachel’s question. “But obviously,” she gestured to the wall.

“Have you and Roman been intimate since Sam was kidnapped?”

Ella flinched at the softly spoken question. She felt a shudder go through her and looked over at Rachel as tears shot into her eyes and began slipping down her face.

“No,” she admitted in a quiet voice.

“Are you punishing him?”

“By withholding my body you mean?” Ella shook her head as she thought about it. She cast her mind back to the days after getting Sam back. Sleeping in Roman’s arms and kissing and cuddling him, and then slowly withdrawing not only from him but from going out, from seeing people. Protecting Sam.

“What?” Rachel asked softly seeing the expression on Ella’s face change.

“Could I be, well, the agoraphobia and everything, could it stem from wanting to protect Sam?” Ella asked quietly.

“That is more than probable.”

Ella sighed before moving over to the red armchairs and sinking into one. She thought back to the times she’d panicked when she was outside. Chasing the children hadn’t worried her until she’d heard Sam and the same the previous day when Roman had tried to help her with her Exposure Therapy. Sam crying had made her panic.

“So I have to leave Sam,” Ella concluded, “I have to step back from him and learn to trust him with others.”

“I suspect that will be the hardest part of you getting well,” Rachel said slowly.

She moved to sit back opposite Ella and reached into her bag taking out a paper bag and handing that over to Ella, smiling at the puzzled look on the other woman’s face.

“What is this?”

“Something to help those cuts fade,” Rachel said quietly.

“Oh,” Ella looked inside the bag and saw a tube of cream. She recognised the make from one that she had been given before and the sudden reminder of the marks that Gardy left on her body make her shake as she looked at Rachel.

“The long term goal is to get you well,” Rachel told her in her usual gentle voice, “But you need to accept that you are going to have to accept help. Sure, after the attack you went to counselling for a while but that ended when you found out you were pregnant with Meggy.”

“I couldn’t, she would have…” Ella broke off at Rachel’s sudden amused look.

“And you needed to be superwoman,” Rachel put in.

“Yes, I had to make sure that Roman was ok and Meggy…” Ella trailed off and sighed. “How is it connected?”

“You’ve been through a lot, first the stalking for a start and then the attack and Meggy and then the trial and Sam’s kidnap.”

“And my mother,” Ella added.

“Exactly,” Rachel met Ella’s gaze evenly, “and the only person who would expect you to deal with that…”

“is me,” Ella sighed again. “So what now?”

“Now you have the knowledge of what has been happening you can start to fix it.”

“How Rachel, how do I fix this?”

“You’ve already given yourself one answer.”

Ella’s gaze went to the wall and she read the words ‘trusting Roman’ and sighed.

“Look if Sex was the answer…”

Rachel chuckled at Ella’s attempt of a joke before reaching over and placing her hand on top of the other woman’s. Her gaze met Ella’s before she spoke. “Trusting Roman is quite possibly the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do but if you can’t trust him El, why did you marry him, why have kids with him, why did you turn to him before when Gardy hurt you?”

Ella broke down feeling that her last defences were being stripped away by Rachel’s words. There were so many thoughts going through her head, so many memories. Of course she trusted Roman, didn’t she?

“I…er…”

“Your homework, to continue with the Exposure Therapy and to fill those squares with things you think you need to do to get better.”

“God!” Ella exclaimed her eyes flashing to the coloured squares on the wall. She frowned at them like thought alone could make the squares go away before looking back at Rachel.

“That look might work on Roman but it doesn’t work on me Ella Harris.”

Ella grinned suddenly before lifting a hand and wiping away the evidence of her tears. She stood from the seat and led Rachel out to the front door, forcing herself to stand in the open doorway as Rachel climbed into her car and drove away. She felt a sudden chill and hastily closed the door spinning around and walking into the lounge. She saw Roman pacing with a fretful Sam in his arms and resisted the urge to drag her son out of his fathers’ arms and clutch him to her. But she did walk over to them and place a hand in Roman’s back as she peered at her son.

“What’s the matter with him?” she asked forcing herself to resist the lure of her son.

“I have no idea, he’s not hungry and been changed. I’ve checked his temperature because he felt a little hot but there’s nothing to worry about.”

“Maybe you need to sit down with him and try and relax,” Ella stated carefully before making herself walk into the kitchen away from them, “Have you given any thought to dinner, maybe we could have soup?”

Roman hid his smile and looked down at Sam seeing his son screwing up his face.

“I know,” he commented to him and walked into the kitchen.

“What?” Ella asked spinning around.

“Here,” Roman handed over Sam to her and heard her sigh of relief. “Love you for trying,” he commented in a gentle voice as he placed a kiss to the top of her head.

“Not just trying, I trust you with the others so…”

Roman chuckled.

“The others aren’t our precious boy,” he murmured and saw her eyes suddenly look brighter.

“I know, but well,” Ella sighed. “Do you think that the others are ok with the amount of time I’m spending with him? Oh God Roman, I’ve not been…”

He leaned down and kissed her cutting off her words.

“Our beautiful babies are fine; they know that their wonderful mother loves them. And that goes for Mike too.”

Ella muttered something under her breath before looking down at Sam. She pressed her lips to his head and frowned.

“He is hot,” she told Roman panic entering her voice.

Roman reached out and touched Sam’s head before frowning.

“That is hotter than before.”

He moved across the kitchen and took out the first aid kit and removed the infant thermometer from the kit and took it over to Sam, placing the nozzle into his ear and looking at the digital display.

“It’s up a couple more degrees,” he confirmed. “Let’s give him a bath and see if that brings it down?”

“I’ll get him changed first, and see how he is,” Ella smiled at Roman but felt a flutter of panic going through her. What if Sam needed to go to the hospital? How would she manage?

Walking carefully up the stairs with him cradled in her arms she made her way into the nursery unable to hide her grin at catching Meggy awake and playing with her toys. Her baby girl was a born troublemaker.

“Mama?” Meggy called softly giving her an innocent look.

“And why aren’t you having your nap Missy?” Ella murmured back just as softly. She looked over at her adorable twins and smiled at them tucked up asleep in their beds. Georgie was hugging his bear and Sophie had her bear she’d called Piglet after the character in the Winnie the Pooh stories.

Heading over to the changing table she laid Sam down and smiled as her son whimpered at her for it.

“I know my Samson,” Ella murmured before reaching down and finding new clothes for him and a fresh nappy. She took her time changing him giving him a look over and making sure he didn’t have any rashes that she needed to worry about before picking him back up.

“Come on Meggy,” she called to her daughter and chuckled softly as her daughter grabbed her ragdoll and her book and followed her mother out of the room and down the stairs.

“Mama book?”

“Want me to read to you troublemaker?”

“Mama!” Meggy grinned up at her.

“Maybe Dada will read it.”

“Me wants Mama,” Meggy insisted.

“We’ll see Meggy girl,” she said and looked over at Roman standing at the bottom of the stairs waiting for her.

“And what is Meggy doing out of bed?” he asked.

“Mes no sleeps Dada,” Meggy explained giving him her innocent look.

He moved and opened up the bottom stairgate and allowed them to walk through it before he closed it again.

“He seems happier,” Ella told him sucking in a deep breath before handing Sam over to him.

“Want me to check his temperature?”

Ella nodded before bending down and lifting Meggy into her arms and carrying her over to the sofa. She sat her daughter down and picked up the book steadfastly trying not to race back to Roman’s side and wrestle her son back off him. She focused on Meggy and began to read the story to her including doing the voices that her daughter loved and was rewarded when Meggy giggled at her. It made her smile too and she moved closer to Meggy and hugged her.

“His temperature has gone down,” Roman murmured coming over and sitting next to her.

“Baby?” Meggy asked picking up on the tension. She peered over at her brother and sighed loudly.

“Sam is fine,” Ella told her feeling a boatload of relief.

She sighed herself when Roman placed his free arm around her before picking up the book and finishing the story for her daughter.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 12

“Ok,” Roman murmured.

“Stop asking me.”

“Ok,” he added smirking as she glared at him.

“I’m fine, this is ok,” she muttered and frowned at her use of the word ‘ok’.

“Now step off the veranda and out into the garden,” Roman teased her.

“You are just so flaming smug aren’t you Roman Harris,” she shot out and stalked down into the garden. She folded her arms across herself and tapped her foot, feeling it sinking down amongst the long grass and smiling as it tickled her ankle. When was the last time that she felt this ‘ok’ to be outside, and she was ok she told herself, smelling the deep honey fragrance of the flowers around the garden, the heavy lustful scent of the old roses, not the modern counterpart that had less scent. Aware that her thoughts were drifting she focused on practicing the breathing techniques that the pamphlets advised. “Grass needs cutting,” she found herself commenting.

“I’ll get the lawnmower out for you,” Roman murmured softly laughing as she nodded before flushing as she realised what he’d said.

“I hate you,” she muttered folding her arms over herself and glaring at him.

“I know,” he replied sounding smug to his own ears.

“This..” Ella stopped and tilted her head to one side, “Sam,” she said softly.

“Come on,” Roman reached for her to guide her back into the house flinching when she pulled away from him.

“Don’t touch me,” she hissed at him all trace of humour gone from her face before she grimaced. “Sorry,” she muttered contritely. “I didn’t mean it.”

Roman nodded before taking hold of her hand and leading her inside. He could feel from his touch on her skin how nervous she was a slight tremor in her hand as she resisted the urge to push past him and go to their son.

“I’m doing ok,” she whispered raising frightened eyes to him.

“That is because he is not yet screaming,” Roman murmured back and saw her eyes flash with anger just for a second before that dullness came back into them. He hated her depression and hated that she feared him. His inner voice mocked him with a million questions about how they could get back to being a loving couple when she didn’t want him, didn’t trust him, and he hated that too. Sucking in a sudden breath he realised he’d gone quiet on her and his focus had shifted from the exercise they were supposed to doing.

“Can you let go now?” Ella was asking a puzzled expression crossing her face, “I promise I won’t panic.”

“I rather like holding your hand dear,” he murmured aiming for a romantic expression.

“I know, but well if Sammy starts screaming then I might hurt you,” She chewed on her bottom lip as she spoke.

“Sam,” Sophie corrected from the corner of the sofa where she was perched with a book.

“Sam is it?” Roman murmured a smile playing on his lips.

“I think our daughter thinks so,” Ella also smiled.

“Mama no’s. Me says Sammy,” Sophie murmured crossly her eyes flicking to her baby brother in the bassinet besides her, “You no no’s say it!”

“Roman Harris!” Ella cried out looking at him.

“What?” he asked shooting her a little boy look, “I didn’t say anything!”

“I know what you are thinking,” Ella muttered.

“I was going to say that she was like her sister, Nic,” he defended, “Honest!”

Ella smiled before leaning up and pressing a kiss to his lips. Pulling away shocked she lifted her free hand and touched her fingers to her lips. He watched her seeing the changing expressions on her face before releasing her other hand so she could go over to their son.

“I think he needs a cuddle,” she murmured trying not to talk about the kiss.

“Go on then,” Roman said softly. “I’ll sort out some lunch.”

Georgie looked up from his seat by the TV where he was alternatively playing with his favourite red car and watching a cartoon and grinned at them.

“And what do you want my man?” Ella asked before sharing a look with Roman as he paused on his way to the kitchen in response.

“Dins?” he lisped looking adorable.

Ella grinned happily and turned when Roman spoke again.

“Perhaps you better come help me?”

Georgie nodded and stood up toddling over to his father. He clutched at his toy car before lifting his hand to his dad.

Ella smiled at how cute her son was and then felt her heart flip in her chest when Roman took hold of Georgie’s hand and led him into the kitchen. She heard the murmur of their voices before looking back at Sam. He was still grouching but not crying and she hesitated from picking him up recognising that if it were one of the others she would have left them for a while, only picking them up if they really started crying. Focusing on clamping down on the feelings inside her that were telling her different she moved to the sofa and sat instead with her two daughters.

“Hey my angels, what have we been doing?”

“Mama no Sam?” Sophie looked up from her book and asked.

“Sam is grizzling,” Ella explained and chuckled as Sophie gave her a puzzled look not understanding the word. “He’s fine,” she added still smiling as Sophie looked at her brother and then her as if to tell her off for not picking him up.

“Mama,” Meggy lisped reaching her arms up.

“What do you want troublemaker?” Ella asked picking Meggy up and putting her on her lap.

“Oouicee?”

“You mean juice?”

“Yes’s Mama, Oouicee!”

Ella giggled before clutching Meggy to her and kissing the end of her nose and then her cheeks making Meggy giggle too.

“Go on then troublemaker, run and tell Dada!” She instructed her and lifted Meggy down watching as her daughter ran off to the kitchen. “Now then Missy, what are you up to?”

“Mama I’s reading me letters,” Sophie said giving her a look along with the petulant tone.

“What’s the matter Miss Sophie?”

Sophie looked up and fixed her mother with a stare.

“We no’s go play?” She asked looking out at the garden.

“Maybe after your nap,” Ella said quickly feeling a rising panic within her, “Maybe Dada take you?”

“Beach?” Sophie asked excitedly.

“No!” Ella panicked and shot up off the sofa her chest rising and falling in an uneasy rhythm as she struggled to breathe through the panic rushing through her. How could she explain this to her daughter who was even now giving her a puzzled frown before tears began slipping down her face and she began to wail in her unhappiness? As she reached out to her she heard Georgie crying in the kitchen and then Meggy joining in.

“What’s happening?” Roman asked peering at her from the archway. He’d picked up the two children and was holding them close as they cried.

“I er…” Ella bit her lip.

“El,” he prompted.

“I told Sophie no,” she whispered distraught, “She wanted to go to the beach.”

“Ah,” Roman nodded understanding and walked over to his wife. He leaned down and placed a kiss to her lips before lowering the children down and lifting them on to the sofa next to the still crying Sophie. “Come on now,” he murmured to them. “It’s way too hot for the beach and it will make you all tired and grumpy,” he cajoled.

Ella watched him recognising that he had taken her roll by pacifying the children. She felt strangely invisible.

“Mama shouty,” Sophie sobbed.

“See, even talking about the beach is making people grumpy,” he said trying to joke.

“Me wants to go,” Sophie sobbed shaking her head.

“Dada says no too.”

“Roman,” Ella began to speak before she couldn’t stand being in the room with them for another second. She turned quickly around and staggered from the room and looked around blindly for a place to run too that was safe. Opening the front door she saw her car parked up and for a fraction of a second consider running to it and escaping then more panic clawed at her insides and she spun around staggering to the stairs. Getting past the stair gate she tripped on the steps and half fell before getting up again and running up the rest of them. She crashed against the stair gate at the top of the stairs before getting it open and going through it. Then her eyes went to the bedroom doors, theirs, the kids, Mike’s. She couldn’t decide. Her head felt suddenly full of cotton wool and all she could hear was the rushing sound of her blood through her ears and the panicked thud-thud of her pounding heart. She fell against her bedroom door and heard the crash seeming to come from a long way away as she struggled to open the door handle.

Her weight against the wood threw the door open and her eyes ran around the room searching for a place to hide. Finally she looked at the bed and crawled over to it and under the quilt. She curled herself up into a ball, her knees tucked up and her arms wrapped around herself and closed her eyes tightly.

Focused on her growing misery she didn’t hear the footsteps approaching the room, nor did she hear the murmured voices. Only when the quilt lifted and Sophie began climbing up next to her did she realise she was no longer alone.

“Mama sad?” Sophie asked her voice sweet.

Ella opened her eyes and looked at her daughter.

“Mama is sad, but not because of Sophie,” she whispered before hesitantly smiling as Georgie and then Meggy climbed up in the bed too.

“We’s found you’s!” Georgie said proudly, “Dada tells us we not but we does,” he added and leaned forward to kiss her missing her cheek and when his kiss landed on the end of her nose.

Meggy giggled at that before she moved closer and put her arms around her.

Ella sighed before she hugged each of her children in turn and placed kisses on to their faces.

“Come on babes, since we can’t go to the beach we should have a picnic,” she told them and saw their faces light up in happiness. She eased out of the bed and put her feet on the floor. Her panic was gone as easily as that she thought with a frown before leading the children down the stairs. She saw the front door closed and sighed at remembering how she’d left it wide open, the kids could have run out there and…. She stopped frowning as more feelings raced through her, guilt, anger, self-loathing. Shaking her head she forced them back. The kids didn’t need more upset today. Taking them through to the lounge she stopped as she saw Roman standing there.

“I..”

“you?” he prompted.

“I’m sorry,” she said at last.

“Ok then,” he murmured, “I’ve finished lunch.”

“Oh?” Ella shot a look at the kids before looking back at him, “I said that we..” she bit her bottom lip and shot him another look from underneath her lashes before flushing as he grinned at her as he folded his arms across himself.

“Yes?”

“Pinknics Mama?” Sophie prompted.

“Pink nics?” Roman said slowly.

“Yes,” Ella shot him a look, “You know, pink nics where you sit and eat sandwiches and have cake and biscuits.”

“Pink nics,” he said again before reaching out to her and taking hold of her hand as she nodded still looking pensive. “I better go and sort out some food then whilst you set up the pink nic in here.”

Ella smiled suddenly and leaned over to kiss him. She felt grateful tears leaching into her eyes at his understanding and his love. Had he come and found her when she’d been curled up in her misery she knew she would have felt a hundred times worse for letting him down but he’d sent the kids to her.

“I love you,” he whispered against her lips before he eased back and into the kitchen.

Ella watched him go before she turned and looked at the kids. Within minutes she’d spread out the throw on the floor and moved some of cushions down too as the kids watched. She grinned as they moved to help her.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 13

“Move over,” Ella whispered to him.
Roman opened his eyes in surprise before he grinned and turned on his side on the long sofa. He chuckled softly as Ella eased up beside him and stretched out too before moving until she was comfortable.
“Ok,” he murmured.
“Kids are asleep. What are we watching?”
“a film.”
Ella blew out a breath between her lips. “I knew that…”
“Well, it’s a thriller that guy there killed that other guy’s wife and now they are playing cat and mouse.”
“Oh, ok,” she sighed as she wriggled on the sofa getting comfortable.
“Want the cover over?”
“Yeah,” Ella murmured before biting her lip.
Roman pulled the throw from the back of the sofa and eased it over them both. He bit back a comment when she snuggled even closer to him. It had been a long time since they had been this close to each other let alone spent any time just with each other. Not that being parents to their lovely and sometimes demanding kids wasn’t great but he married Ella and selfishly just sometimes it was nice that it was the two of them.
“This feels good,” she murmured the words he was thinking.
“Certainly does.”
“You,” she huffed.
Roman laughed softly before leaning forward and pressing a kiss to the back of her neck.
“Are you starting something?” She muttered the question feeling her face flushing.
“No, just watching my film,” Roman smiled at her as he moved his arms tighter around her.
“Ok then,” Ella huffed before her eyes focused on the screen. She’d been nervous about coming down stairs after putting the kids to bed after their bath. Wondering how to spend the evening with Roman when she’d made it plain that she wanted to spend time with him because what if, he expected more than she could give him?
“So do you want a drink?” He asked her after some time had passed. When he got no answer he looked down at her to find that she had fallen asleep. He smiled at that feeling somehow reassured.
It was silly the way that something so simple could affect him so much. Ella hadn’t lain in his arms like this for ages. Not since the early days of her pregnancy with Sam. He was at fault for letting the distance escalate between them. She’d been ill for a long time with the pregnancy, Rachel even threatening her with complete bed rest and along with his guilt because he’d wanted another baby he’d slowly begun distancing himself from her. First sleeping in another room because he’d known she’d try to relieve his frustration at not making love and then because he hadn’t seen there was a problem he’d carried on like normal. They’d barely begun finding some closeness; some communication again before Sam was taken and then came more bad stuff for Ella.
The things her mother did to her when she was a small defenceless child sickened him. That his wonderful wife was carrying around that much hurt. He gasped now, just from thinking about it. She had to know how amazing she was as a parent and if she didn’t then it was his job to make her realise that. There was the way she had become so close to Nic, his elder daughter. The two women sharing a bond that half the time he couldn’t figure out. Not forgetting Mike. Sometimes he walked into a room when she and Mike were in conversation and it was like watching best friends chatting away and not just mother and son.
He was looking forward to Mike coming this weekend although he knew that Ella was dreading it. She didn’t want their son to know how bad she was and whilst he could understand that, hiding it hadn’t done her any good either.
Looking over at the tv he saw that his film had finished whilst he was lost in thought and picked up the remote to change channel. After some time he settled on a Die Hard movie watching as Bruce Willis grabbed a machine gun and began taking out the bad guys. He could have pointed out the hundred and one faults of the movie including the unrealistic count of how many bullets that Bruce seemed to have fired out of gun without it overheating and jamming but he had Ella in his arms and was enjoying holding her too much to care about trivia.
“S’time isit?” she mumbled.
“Around 9,” he murmured back.
“S’ok.”
He grinned as she snuggled closer and began watching the movie wondering when she would realise that it was a different one than the one she’d fallen asleep during.
“Kids still asleep?” she muttered peering at the baby monitor.
“Wouldn’t you have heard?” he asked trying not to smirk.
“Yeah, of course,” she began and frowned. “When did Bruce Willis turn up?”
“About twenty minutes ago when the other film finished,” Roman told her unable to prevent his laughter.
“You,” she said and although he couldn’t see her expression he knew that she was glowering at him.
“You are adorable Ella Harris,” he told her and leaned forward kissing the curve of her shoulder.
Ella sighed at the touch of his lips on her skin. She leaned back towards him without consciously thinking about it and he continued the kiss, trailing his lips to the back of her neck. She turned then and her eyes met with his before she sighed loudly and reached for him.
“We don’t…” he began before being kissed into silence.
He sighed against her lips as he kissed her. This was amazing. Incredible.
“Not all the way, ok,” she whispered.
“Ok,” he agreed.
He found her hands pushing up his t shirt and stroking over his chest, her fingers teasing him with those gentle touches and he sighed at that.
“This is nice,” he heard the words coming from her and sighed again. It was nice. Kissing her was nice. Having her kiss him back without panicking was amazing considering the past few months.
“Can we slow down?” He found himself asking and immediately her hands stalled. “I just don’t want to go too far,” he added quickly before kissing her again.
Ella felt herself go cold at his words and began to pull away.
“No, El, no,” Roman gasped hurriedly. He manoeuvred them on the long cream sofa so that she was sitting on top of him; her legs splayed either side of his. He reached up and touched the side of her face forcing her to look at him and waited until her eyes finally met his. “I love you,” he began and felt her flinch.
“I know,” she whispered quietly.
“I don’t want to put pressure on you,” he continued.
“I know that too, and just that is making..”
“I feel like you are so fragile right now, and that scares me,” he finally admitted.
Ella looked at him and shuddered.
“El, please, this is hard enough ok, just listen,” he begged huskily. “How many times have you tried to make things better for me?”
“You think I would…”
“I think that you would rush your recovery if you thought you had to in order to keep me happy,” he grimaced as she flushed.
“By happy do you mean…” she looked down at the way their bodies were positioned and gave a tentative smile
“Well, that does have a tendency to make me incredibly happy as you know,” he murmured and grinned as she blushed. “But in all honestly, right now, I would prefer to take things slow, ok, and not just because of you but because we need to reconnect.”
“We do?” She questioned biting on her bottom lip anxiously and looking at him.
“We do, my beautiful El,” he confirmed feeling the reaction to his words shudder through her tiny frame. “Because I took you for granted.”
“You didn’t…” she protested and flushed at his all too knowing look.
“So anyway, kiss me.”
She giggled suddenly before leaning forward and kissing him, sighing against his lips as she felt his hands stroking down her back.

Roman sighed as he switched off the tv. El had already gone up to bed a while ago after hearing Sam through the baby monitor and he’d decided that he should give her some space so he’d found another film to watch for a while, another film to distract himself with. Kissing her and holding her had been wonderful but it had reminded him of how they used to make love and he knew that if he went to bed with her just then he’d probably push things. Or she would. Anyway, he’d stayed downstairs long enough to start to feel tired.
Easing up from the long sofa he eased out the chinks in his back and moved out of the room smiling as Cookie followed him. He’d bribed the cat earlier with her usual slices of ham and now he was in her good books. Switching out the lights he moved up the stairs and into the bedroom. Ella was tucked up in the middle of the bed and he grinned at the way she’d snuggled.
She needed to start getting more sleep, his brain pointed out as he retrieved his pj’s and moved into the en suite to get changed, coming out moments later and making sure the lights were out before he moved over to the bed. He grinned as he climbed into the bed and Ella muttered something in her sleep at the disturbance.
Laying down he grinned some more when she snuggled next to him and eased back into full sleep once more. Again, he was struck by how long it had been since they’d really had this closeness.
After Sam had been taken, Ella had spent a couple of nights clinging to him, needing his strength he supposed but then there had been more nights when she’d slept in the same bed but not really slept with him. She certainly hadn’t turned to him in her sleep like now. He leaned down and kissed the end of her nose before wrapping his arms around her and holding her close. She was his beautiful wife and he had to do everything he could to make her aware of how much he loved her and needed her. Then he had to make things right for her. Not that he could solve her problems, he wasn’t that powerful even though he would dearly love to wave a magic wand and fix everything, no, he just wanted to be there, to even be the one she turned to, as selfish as that was.
The thoughts tumbled through his brain as he lay there in the dark until he finally shut them out and closed his eyes. Sleeping with his woman in his arms, it didn’t ever get better than that.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 14

Roman woke suddenly. He wasn’t even sure what exactly woke him up but on account of his training he went from deep sleep to wide awake, his ears straining to hear anything while his eyes adjusted to the strange half-light from the pre-dawn sky. Turning his head he saw that he was alone in the bed and he sighed before kicking the covers off and climbing out of the bed. First place to check was the nursery. Ella went there to sit with the kids when she had a bad night, although she didn’t like him know that.

Looking around he saw all the kids asleep. Even Sam. Listening for any sounds he moved back through the bedroom and checked in the en suite. Again empty. That left just heading down the stairs and looking there. He padded down the steps and moved into the lounge. No sign of her and the remote was where he’d left it the previous night so she hadn’t decided to watch a movie, or well, Finding Nemo.

“Oh,” he heard from behind him and spun around catching sight of Ella standing in the doorway to the room that would be her study.

“You weren’t upstairs,” he commented moving over to her.

“I had a dream and fed Sam and then I thought of something and needed to write it…” she stopped. “I’m babbling aren’t I?”

“Just a little, although you’d think I’d be used to it by now,” he murmured feeling relief flowing through him.

“Well, Rachel has me thinking of things I want to do or well, need to work on to get better,” Ella breathed out slowly.

“Are you able to share that with me?” Roman asked before feeling nervous all over again. Not as nervous as when he hadn’t been able to find her a few minutes ago.

“I don’t know, I …” she stopped again and cast an anxious look over her shoulder before speaking again. “I want to find my Dad. Not my dad but my biological father.”

“El,” Roman stepped forward quickly until he was close enough to her to feel the heat from her body. He knew that it was instinctive. He wanted to protect her. Finding the man who’d raped her mother, especially at a time like this when she was so vulnerable wasn’t wise.

“I know, I do know, I’m not going to do it right away, just in a few months, when I can go outside without having a meltdown, well then, I want to start looking. I need to get answers, like how could he do that?”

Roman groaned and lifted his hand to his face.

“I don’t think you will like the answers,” he said slowly.

The horror of what Gardy did to his wife never left him and he’d always feel guilty for not stopping the other man. Even as he logically understood that it wasn’t necessarily about the sexual act he was appalled that men could get any satisfaction from such a selfish and evil act. Looking at his wife he tried to banish the mental images and the negative thoughts going through his head.

“It doesn’t really matter, I need to hear them, can you understand that?”

Roman frowned at the defensive tone that entered her voice. Did she really think that he wouldn’t or couldn’t understand wanting to find out about her parents? Maybe she thought he wouldn’t help her?

“Okay,” he murmured softly.

“Okay,” she mirrored.

“Bed,” he told her and guided her back up the stairs before she could argue with him. Lifting the covers for her he smiled as she meekly got back into bed before following suite and climbing in beside her. He put his arm around her and smiled as she gave a little sigh before snuggling.

“Hey wait, aren’t you supposed to talk me out of it?” She grouched.

“I could give you a list of reasons why it’s not a good idea El, starting with what you went through with Gardy, but I would say that there is a part of you that needs to know what he looks like at least and I can’t argue against that.”

“Okay,” she said again before turning in the bed and looking into his eyes.

“I love you El, really totally love you and we’ll get through this, together,” He promised her.

“Really love me?” She asked him.

“Really, really!”

“Then do you think you could go get me a glass of water?”

Roman groaned under his breath before catching the teasing expression on her face. She laughed up at him before pressing her lips to the side of his neck.

“Love you too Harris,” she whispered.

“Go to sleep,” he said slowly.

Ella sighed before turning in his arms and slowly closing her eyes. She relaxed next to him and before she knew it she had fallen into a deep sleep.

Roman woke first, smiling, as he looked at his wife still asleep beside him in their large double bed. He chuckled as he encountered the bright blue eyes of Georgie sitting at the foot of the bed.

“Breakfast mister man?” He asked with a yawn.

“Yes Dada.”

Roman chuckled and eased out of the bed. He pulled on his bathrobe from the bottom of the bed and lifted Georgie up as he moved out of the bedroom leaving Ella still sleeping. Checking in the nursery he saw that the others were still asleep and he smiled at Georgie being an early riser like him.

“Come on let’s not wake the others,” he murmured and led Georgie down the stairs.

Fetching his son a drink, he handed him his favourite blue beaker and grinned as he ran into the lounge and over to the tv looking up at his Dad with a grin on his face. “Okay then,” Roman commented switching the tv on and putting it on a children’s cartoon channel before heading back into the kitchen. Looking around the clean tops he pulled out the pans and began cooking, first boiled eggs and soldiers for his son, and then for El he began to make toast and poached eggs with béarnaise sauce. She deserved a bit of spoiling not to mention it had been a long time since he’d taken her breakfast in bed. Glancing at Georgie he moved over to the table and pulled up the highchair before getting his breakfast. His son watched him from the other side of the room before running over to him and letting himself be picked up and put in the colourful chair.

“Eggie?” Georgie lisped.

Roman smiled at his son’s adorableness and wondered how he could ever have thought he didn’t need a wife and children. Even with El needing all his support she was still an amazing mother and wife.

Sitting next to Georgie and feeding him his breakfast made him chuckle as he watched his son dunking his soldiers into his egg and wolfing them down. Soon Georgie had cleared up his breakfast and was grinning up at his dad, a circle of yellow egg yolk around his mouth and crumbs littering his top.

“mmm mmm,” Georgie told him.

“You like that then?” Roman asked him.

“Dada nice.”

“Come on then, let’s go give Mama her breakfast,” he said to his son as he cleared away the debris of his breakfast. Taking out a wipe he cleaned down Georgie’s hands and face before lifting him down and guiding him into the kitchen. A few extra minutes of preparation and he had El’s breakfast on a tray and began taking it up the stairs With Georgie next to him.

“Wakes up!” Georgie shouted excitedly as he ran over to the big bed in their room.

“Wah?” El grumbled rolling over and looking at them. She blinked a few times as she sat up and pushed her hair out of her eyes before smiling as Georgie tugged on the bottom of Roman’s bathrobe trying to get him to hurry.

“We’ve got you breakfast in bed,” Roman told her softly easing down and presenting the tray to her.

“Eggs benedict?”

“Yes,” Roman smiled at her and then frowned slightly as she paled.

“I don’t like it,” El said quickly. “Take it away,” she added and pushed the covers away quickly before getting out of the bed and rushing into the en suite.

“Was matta?” Georgie asked frowning.

“Mama don’t like breakfast,” Roman told him before he could stop himself. Obviously there was a reason that Ella didn’t want the food and he cursed silently. “Wait here for mama,” he instructed and spun around heading down the stairs the way he’d come only moments before.

Discarding the tray he shoved some bread into the toaster and reached for the cheese whilst it was browning. Within minutes he had cheese on toast prepared and he placed that on a plate and took it up the stairs and into the bedroom.

“How about this?” he asked a still pale Ella as she was telling Georgie a story.

“Oh wow,” Ella spoke softly. She eased up on to her knees and accepted the plate from him before chomping down on the first slice.

“Mama?”

“Sorry, no, mama’s breakfast….” Ella told her son and chuckled at his immediate pout. She broke of a small portion and blew on it to cool it down before she handed it to him.

“Ta,” Georgie murmured with a toothy grin as he ate the toast.

El looked at Roman before she leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Ta to you as well,” she commented.

Roman smiled at her before he climbed back into the bed. No sooner had he started to settle next to Ella than Sam let out a cry.

“I’ll go,” he said immediately and felt Ella tense beside him before she nodded. He hid his smile and moved back out of the bed and into the nursery. El had expressed her milk so he knew that she didn’t need to keep rushing to their son’s side but couldn’t seem to stop herself. More, she rarely relaxed even though she knew he could take care of their son.

“Have you got him?” Ella asked from the doorway of the nursery where she was standing with Georgie.

“Mama,” Meggy called sleepily.

Roman frowned looking round the nursery and seeing the rest of the kids getting out of their beds as he stood holding a squealing Sam. He’d wanted El to get more rest and knew there was no way she could with the kids needing her. What had he been thinking wanting to have another child, not that he’d swap Sam for anything on this planet.

Whilst he was lost in thought Ella had stepped into the nursery and helped the two girls get up out of bed before she moved out with them and guided them down the stairs.

Roman carried Sam down the stairs moments later and moved into the kitchen. He saw that she’d started breakfast for the girls and also began warming up a bottle for Sam.

“Me’s had eggy an soldiers!” Georgie announced to Sophie as she spooned her cereal.

“Mama!” Sophie squealed.

Ella grinned and leaned down kissing Georgie’s head.

“You wanted cereal missy,” she cajoled her daughter, “How about we add a ‘nana to it?”

“Mama me ‘nana toos?” Meggy lisped sweetly.

El laughed at her wonderful kids before heading into the kitchen and began slicing the bananas.

“I was going to…” Roman began.

“It’s ok,” El said quickly looking at the kids before looking back at him and a pacified Sam in his arms, their son drinking greedily from the bottle of milk. “We’ll talk in a bit, ok?”

Roman nodded before stepping forward and placing a swift kiss to her lips. He moaned softly in surprise when Ella returned the kiss placing a free hand in the small of his back and stepping closer to him at the same time.

“Wow,” he whispered when they broke free.

“Wow?” she chuckled at his expression before going back to fixing the children’s breakfast. Taking the chopped fruit into the other room she smiled as the girls quickly held out their hands for the bowls.

“Just wow,” he confirmed moving to sit at the table with them and grinning because he could feel himself flushing as she smiled at him. Despite all the drama they had in their lives he suddenly and totally out of the blue felt really happy.

“What would you like for breakfast?” Her voice broke into his thoughts and he groaned as his stomach rumbled at the question. They both laughed before El moved to his side and pressed another of those amazing soft kisses of hers to his lips. “Bacon sandwich?”

“I think that is a yes,” he said after his stomach grumbled again.

Ella laughed and went into the kitchen. He heard the pots moving about and grinned soppily at the kids and then he remembered her expression as she turned down his first offering of breakfast and his smile faded. Knowing the children could pick up on their moods he mentally shook himself and focused back on feeding Sam. His son sucked greedily at the teat emptying his bottle and he lifted him up on to his shoulder to burp him. It would soon be time to wean him from the bottle and on to solid food he thought as he performed the familiar and strangely comforting action before cuddling him once more.

“Here,” El placed a plate in front of him with a glass of orange juice. He smiled up at her and then grinned as she leaned down and kissed him again.

“Mama!” Meggy called out.

“Ut oh, think our daughter is a little jealous,” El whispered as she kissed him again before moving away and going over to Meggy. She helped her daughter eat the last of her cereal and sliced banana. Then came clearing up after them and although she normally would have got them dressed and found something for them to do, today she simply lifted them out of their high chairs let them have the tv on.

Roman finished his breakfast and also lifted Sam into the bassinet beside the long sofa and fetched them a second coffee smiling again as Ella sat at the table with him.

“My Mother,” Ella whispered.

“She…” Roman stopped not sure what he was about to ask her. He hated all this stuff that was coming out about El’s mum not because it was in some way an inconvenience to him but because it made him feel powerless. He couldn’t protect her again, and he hated how that made him feel.

“She used to make that for my dad when he came home, only..” she stopped and sipped at her cup. “Only she did it when she’d had one of her special friends.”

“Well, I’ve never had a special friend,” Roman put in quickly, “Apart from you!”

“Uh huh, Mister,” El looked down and found that they were holding hands. Holding hands and kissing. Were they actually getting somewhere she wondered?

“Is this ok El?” Roman asked her.

“This? You mean us kissing?”

“Well I’m certainly enjoying it,” he said before he could stop himself.

Ella laughed out loud and blushed. “Me too,” she told him.

“I guess we should…” he stopped and looked at her.

“Go back to bed?”

“Well if you insist,” Roman grinned at her as she went a deeper shade of red.

“You.. ah.. err…” she stuttered.

“I think we should get dressed and go into the garden,” he murmured taking a long drink of his coffee.

“Oh,” El looked around at the kids and then to Sam. She’d let Roman look after him this morning and only had a little panic, just a slight one. Maybe she could go out today.

“It’s a nice day,” he added.

“Ok, let’s try it, we’ll have Sam on the veranda,” she told him bravely her eyes flicking to the bassinet.

“Ok,” he agreed.

Leaning forward he pressed a swift kiss to her lips before standing up and taking their used cups into the kitchen. She watched him as he rounded up the kids and guided them to the stairs hearing them moving up and into the nursery. Looking at Sam in his bassinet she quickly walked over to him and picked him up before turning around and after opening the patio door she headed outside. He was right; it was a nice day she thought before the usual feelings of panic spread through her. She banked them down as she moved across the soft grass.

“No Samson, we are not going to quit. It’s a nice day,” she murmured to her sleeping son. He was so small and helpless her brain whispered insidiously to her, she needed to protect him. “Sam, you are going to love playing out here. We have a swing set and a playhouse,” she told him swallowing compulsively her eyes darting around nervously. She felt herself go cold and saw goosebumps slither across her skin. What if someone was watching them, she thought suddenly, waiting for her to come out here alone with Sam? What if they were coming for them? Her breathing quickened as panic ran through her and she could feel her heart pounding in her chest. She could feel her arms trembling as she clutched at him. He woke then and gave a small warning cry.

Oh god, what was she doing? What was she trying to prove? She was pathetic. Useless. She didn’t deserve Sam or the other kids. She couldn’t take care of them, look after them. Useless. Inept. Hopeless. Pathetic. A tragic victim.

“Hey El,” Roman’s voice cut through her panic. “You planning on spending all day in your nightie?”

She looked up and then down at her cotton nightdress, the hem touching her feet.

“No,” she said puzzled and then frowned at the way her panic subsided at the sound of his voice.

“Ok then,” he said and stepped to one side letting the other children run over to her.

“Mama we’s play?” Georgie asked her.

“And what would you like to play?”

“ball?” He asked quickly before his sisters could comment.

“Oh really Mister man?” She asked him and burst into tears.

“Hey,” Roman moved quickly over to her side and pulled her and Sam into his embrace. He shuddered as she did. Didn’t she realise her fears were his fears too? Someone took her from him and hurt her and then someone took their son. Their precious boy born out of that darkness and bringing them healing. He wouldn’t ever get over how that had made him feel. He should have been stronger, or faster or smarter and stopped it.

“I’m ok,” she whispered, “hey Sam, we’re ok aren’t we?” She looked down at their son before looking up at Roman. “I’m going to be fine,” she promised him ignoring the whispering voice in her head and the pounding of her heart. She had to be ok not just for the boy in her arms but for her precious other children who were all miracles including Mike. He was due home the following day and as much as she dreaded telling him how bad she was she knew that he’d understand and be there for her.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 15

Roman pulled up and parked the car in the parents and visitors carpark. He glanced at the empty seat beside him missing El sitting there. She was back home with the kids as he went to fetch Mike from school for the weekend. He knew that she was dreading telling him about her ‘condition’ but he couldn’t see any way around it. She needed their help to get better.

Climbing out of the car he made his way over to reception and inside the impressive building. He always felt at a slight disadvantage when he came here and hated that. Mike seemed oblivious to his discomfort and that seemed to make it worse somehow, that he let himself feel like that. Suddenly he felt an insight into what Ella was going through, albeit only a small insight. Wanting no one to know how hard you found things sometimes.

He thought back to the woman who’d tracked him down. How confident she’d seemed and although he knew behind that façade she had worries and concerns of her own, some that had been expressed in the slight wobble she had before she married him, it seemed that now every fear was magnified until it became crippling. Had he done that to her in some way? Making her live in Summer Bay and stopping her photography trips?

He shook his head and focused on walking into the imposing building. Time to look outward and collect Mike as there would be time later to ask those kind of questions.

“Hey, over here,” Mike called excitedly.

Roman half-nodded and moved over to him watching as he seemed to be looking around. He choked up at Mike’s question, feeling tears prick his eyes, “Where’s Mum?”

“She’s at home with Sammy,” he said slowly, using the excuse they’d picked.

“Oh ok, just that I wanted to show her my report card,” Mike said.

Roman was thankful that he hadn’t noticed any distress, “I’m not good enough to see it?” he asked making his tone deliberately light.

“Oh of course,” Mike fished it out of the side pocket of his bag and handed it over.

Roman accepted the card from him and scanned it. All ‘A’s’ of course, what else would he get.

“Mike I’m so disappointed in you,” he drawled out watching as Mike’s face immediately fell before he grinned at him only just avoiding hugging the boy.

“Ah, I shouda known,” Mike groaned.

“Come on, Sophie told me to get you ‘ickly’.”

“Ickly?”

“I think she was trying to say quickly but well with their secret language you can’t really tell,” Roman said hefting up Mike’s bags leaving him with only his backpack to carry as they moved out to the car.

He waited until Mike was safely buckled into the passenger seat before setting off on the long journey home.

“So…”Mike began.

“So?”

“How is everyone?”

Roman smiled, “Ok,” he answered briefly.

“Do you think Mum will go surfing this weekend only I haven’t been for ages,” Mike said as he pulled out something from his bag.

“Not sure,” Roman prevaricated.

“Pull over,” Mike murmured after some time had passed.

“What?” Roman flinched as he glanced at the boy seeing tears gathering in his eyes and the same expression that Ella gave him sometimes. Sighing he looked back on the road and indicated before he pulled over.

“I know something is wrong, ok,” Mike told him and even though Roman could tell that the boy was trying to be brave he noticed the tell-tale sign of his bottom lip quivering, “Mum hasn’t been right for ages, not her real self anyways,” he added.

Roman unbuckled his seatbelt and looked out the windscreen. Ella had wanted to keep it from him but she should have known with Mike’s IQ that would have equated to mission impossible.

“You are right.”

“Tell me,” Again the quivering bottom lip.

“Your mother has been going through a lot of stuff,” he began, “We didn’t even know just how sad she was. She’s speaking to Rachel and getting some help.”

“Why didn’t she tell us?” Mike asked as he bit on his bottom lip presumably to stop it quivering. Roman saw tears beginning to fall down Mike’s face.

“She wanted to protect us.”

“But she has to know she can’t do it alone, she was…” Mike groaned and wiped away tears as he looked at Roman.

“I think that is why she’s been hiding how sad she is Mike, she didn’t want to let any of us down,” Roman told the boy gently remembering the horror of finding Ella had taken a load of sleeping pills after finding out George wasn’t her real father and during the time that Sam had been kidnapped. He glanced out of the windscreen for a moment to gather himself before looking back at Mike. This was the hardest conversation he’d ever had with anyone and he knew that El would hate him for it.

“She’s had four kids in as many years, didn’t you think about….” Mike’s tone became angry.

“Are we about to have a talk about birth control here?” Roman said feeling the need to deflect the conversation away from his own guilty feelings.

“Yeah, because you seem to keep forgetting to use any? Tell me, do you have any other kids out there like Nicole?”

“Nicole was an accident,” Roman admitted huskily and flushed as Mike got that sneaky look on his face that meant he’d stored away that fact until he could use it later.

“And Meggy and the twins?” Mike scoffed.

Roman flinched again before speaking, “Look Mike, regardless of whether they were planned for the children have made your mother happy. And yeah, it was selfish of me to want more, but well, they aren’t at fault for the way your mother is at the moment.”

“So what is?” The accusing note back in Mike’s voice.

“What she went through with Gardy for a start,” Roman began hating that he was discussing this in so adult a fashion. Mike was a kid, and he shouldn’t have to deal with adult issues. He frowned because although he knew that Mike had the intelligence to understand these issues he maybe didn’t have the emotional maturity.

“And then Meggy? And Sam? And the kidnap? And the trial? And on top of all that she…” Mike’s voice broke as he reeled off a list of issues.

“Yes, exactly. A lot of stuff. None of it we could have foreseen kiddo, so all we can do is be there for her. And the best way you can help her is to act normal around her. She’ll let you know if she…”

“She doesn’t let us know,” Mike butted in.

“That has been part of the problem,” Roman muttered under his breath but not low enough that Mike didn’t hear. He grimaced at the hurt look that the boy gave him before he looked down at his hands. He was clutching at the steering wheel like it was someone’s throat and slowly released his hold. Turning to Mike he frowned for a second.

“Roman, er, dad, what … do we do?”

“We get back on the road and head home because your Mum and siblings want to see you and no doubt you have laundry that needs to be done,” Roman said quietly in an urge to return the conversation to more normal topics.

“Maybe I do,” Mike grinned briefly before looking serious again. He looked out the front windscreen, “how can this be my Mum?”

“Because she needs help?”

“Yeah,” Mike pouted.

“Everyone needs help sometimes Mike, even you will someday, maybe.”

Mike gave him a glare and he immediately felt like calling back the words. Parents shouldn’t admit failings to their children he thought with a grimace but he watched as Mike seemed to digest the conversation, sorting things out in his head before he nodded.

“Let’s go home,” he said quietly.

Roman nodded and started the car, pulling into traffic.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 16

Ella paced nervously before she stopped and peered out of the window, she felt a shudder of unease crawl down her back before pushing it to one side and continuing to look out for the car returning. Roman should have been back before now with Mike and she was getting anxious. More than anxious, she could feel the panic rising within her, threatening to consume her. She hated those moments when it was all she could do to maintain control over her inner turmoil.

It wasn’t even that she was being forced to go outside as part of her therapy and that was annoying in itself. No, she was waiting for her husband and son to come home when her panicky mind was telling her that they could have been kidnapped, could have had an accident. Could have had a million things go wrong with a simple journey up and down the motorway. She breathed out slowly and closed her eyes for a second. Nothing was going wrong, she told herself. Nothing was happening; it was all in her head. She had the kids to worry about. Meggy, Sophie and Georgie were watching cartoons on the sofa next to her and Sam was in the basinet the other side of the room. They were safe. Just as Roman and Mike were safe, she told herself in a litany pushing against the urge that wanted to ring them.

What could she do if something happened anyway? She was in no fit state to go get them, doubted she could even drive let alone leave the house. And going to the hospital where she’d been when Sam was taken was impossible. She’d been for check-ups since but it’d made her sick to her stomach to be inside the place.

“Mama,” Meggy called.

Ella breathed out again through her lips and pinned a smile on her face.

“What is it troublemaker?”

“Mikey?”

“Soon,” she promised.

“’oouicee?” Meggy held up her beaker.

“Really? But you’ll pop!”

“Me needs potty!” Georgie announced.

Ella half-smiled before she took hold of Georgie’s hand and led him out of the room and over to the stairs, she wasn’t surprised when Meggy and Sophie followed them and she guided all her kids up the stairs and over to the big bathroom. All of them used the toilet and washed their hands after, drying them on different coloured towels before following her back downstairs. She was grateful for the interruption from her panicking, she thought with a genuine smile as she helped them back on to the sofa and organised more drinks for them. She added a bowl of snacks watching as they ate carefully before finally sinking into the space next to them.

The cartoons weren’t really enough of a distraction so she popped over to the dvd player and put in ‘Finding Nemo’ to watch and smirking as her girls clapped their hands happily whilst Georgie seemed to take over from his dad and gave her one of ‘those’ looks. Leaning over the top of Sophie for the briefest of moments she pressed a kiss to Georgie’s nose laughing as he gave her a shocked expression in exchange.

“Finding Nemo, I shoulda known,” Mike said as he walked through the door.

“Mikey,” Sophie cried out as she rolled over and climbed down off the sofa to go over to him. She wasn’t quite as quick as her mother though because Ella bolted up and sprinted over to her son engulfing him in her arms. She felt him shake and knew that despite several intense ‘discussions’ with Roman about things he’d gone and told him. Giving Roman a narrowed eye look that she hoped promised him that he was in for another ‘discussion’ she turned her focus back on her son.

“So where’s your laundry?”

“Huh,” Mike grunted before he burst into tears.

“I’m going to be ok,” Ella whispered in his ear, “I promise, I know I’m not alone anymore so I can rely on you and your Dad and everyone else, please don’t worry about me because I’d hate that,” she said softly meeting his gaze. She leaned forward and kissed away his tears and then eased back to make way for his siblings to make a fuss of him.

“We picked up dinner from the diner, thought we should have a celebration because of Mike’s report card,” Roman announced slowly.

“Actually,” Mike said blushing, “We usually only celebrate if I get B’s.”

Roman starred at him, “go on tell me why?”

“Because celebrating all the A’s would make us put on too much weight,” Ella said softly as both she and Mike presented Roman with identical grins. She watched as he smiled too before he spoke.

“I better go eat this cheeseca…”

“Don’t you dare!”

Ella watched as Mike laughed at her and then reached for the remote, restarting the movie as he sat with his brother and sisters. He also grinned as Roman began making numerous trips back and forth to the car to bring all the stuff in and then setting the table and organising the food.

She gave them all a look as she eased down beside her son

“So, report card,” Ella murmured.

Mike laughed and reached into his back pocket pulling out the card and handing it to her.

“It’s okay,” he said slowly.

“Out with it kiddo,” Ella murmured in response.

“Mr Mathews, well he was going to give me a B because Eddie was talking to me in class and he reckoned that we were cheating off one another so I challenged him to a debate over causes and contributions, from the political to the social-economic, that may have had impacted to cause the Second World War,” he muttered quickly, the words almost tumbling over each other.

Roman laughed from the other side of the room and shook his head when they glared at him.

“Sorry,” he said sounding not the least repentant, “but seriously, haven’t they learnt yet not to accept challenges like that from Mike?”

“Laugh it up soldier, just wait until Georgie is debating stuff with you,” Ella muttered before she turned her attention back to Mike, “So obviously you started with the Treaty of Versailles and worked out from that?”

“That was the start yes, but there were other things involved,” Mike murmured flushing when Roman looked at him.

“Sounds as though you did a good job,” Roman enthused.

Ella smiled as she watched Mike dip his head at the praise coming from his dad before she stood and moved over to see what food Roman had brought back. She’d already noticed that Georgie was watching his dad carefully as he sorted out the food.

“Hey you,” he murmured softly.

“Hey yourself,” she murmured back moving to his side and placing her hand in the small of his back. She grinned at his automatic sigh.

“Quit it,” he grouched.

“Uh huh and is there something you want to say to me?”

“Maybe,” he said slowly leaning over and kissing her, “maybe not,” he added.

Ella withdrew her hand sharply and glared at him before groaning as he laughed at her.

“You!”

“Cheesecake,” he told her.

“Maybe,” she responded before moving over to the other side of the room and collecting the children bringing them over to the table and helping them into their highchairs. She smiled as Mike came and helped her before looking up to find Roman watching her. She felt herself blushing at the look of passion in his intense blue eyes and shuddered with reaction. She hadn’t felt like that for such a long time she acknowledged, casting a look to Sam still asleep in his basinet. Since long before he was born. Looking back she saw that Roman had moved away into the kitchen and knew that he’d misinterpreted her gazing at their baby son, thinking it was some kind of rejection of him and his feelings. It immediately made her feel sad and confused before she shook that off and pinned a smile to her lips, it was time to focus on her family and not her feelings.

Helping the children get some food before sitting down herself she glanced over at Roman sensing withdrawal from him. It increased her frustration that she couldn’t do anything to help him.

That last thought brought her up short; she’d never considered his feelings in this before and smiled brightly because she suddenly felt like she had made a breakthrough. She’d never stopped to think about how he was reacting to her withdrawal from him and knew that he’d seen the words she’d written on the wall in what they were calling her study. Both her mistrust of him and their sex life were such a big issue for her at the moment, especially considering how passionate they’d been on occasion, her eyes straying to her twins at that moment as she remembered how she’d gotten pregnant with them.

Looking up she caught Roman giving her a curious look and checking that Mike or the children weren’t looking at her she mouthed the words ‘Calvin Klien model’ to him and chuckled as her husband blushed as he read her lips. His eyes immediately strayed to the twins and he returned her smile. She could tell that had eased some of his tension and she smiled, making a note that maybe she’d spend a few moments with her husband tonight and reassure him, and that made her smile too.

“Mama me’s no like…” Meggy pouted and pushed away her sandwich.

“What’s the matter with it Megs?”

“Yucky,” Meggy blew a raspberry setting off her brother and sister into fits of giggles.

“Shush before you wake Sam,” Ella cautioned quickly catching sight of her son stirring in his basinet across the room.

“No like Sam,” Meggy screamed suddenly.

“Oh no,” Roman muttered as Sam let loose a scream of his own joining in with them all.

“You know, I could have stayed at school this weekend but look what I would have missed,” Mike grinned, “the start of the Third World War!”

Roman glared at him before his lips twitched in amusement.

“Ok which one do you want?” He asked her.

“I’ll have Mike and you can have all the others?”

“Like it’s going to work like that,” Roman muttered just as Meggy decided she had been ignored long enough and threw her bowl at him.

“Megan Hope Harris,” Ella muttered sprinting up and going over to her. She scooped her daughter out of her highchair and walked briskly out of the room and up the stairs.

“I get Sam then,” Roman sighed.

“I..Er….”

“Want to do it?”

“Please,” Mike said quickly pushing his dinner to one side.

“Go and pick him up then and I’ll warm his bottle,” Roman said quietly.

Mike got up and approached the bassinet before slowly getting a grip on his brother. When he was sure he had him he picked him up and cuddled him before rocking him slightly to stop him crying.

“Sammy,” Sophie called waving at them.

“Sammy is it?”

Sophie nodded.

“Me’s says Sammy you’s no no say it,” she murmured.

“Ok then, he’s Sam,” Mike told her as he moved to sit back at the table, “Well your Sammy has put on a lot of weight since I last cuddled him,” Mike told her quietly, “so you must be doing a good job looking after him.” Sophie nodded even though he knew that she didn’t understand all the words he’d said.

Roman returned and handed Mike a towel to go over his shoulder and a Sam’s bottle.

“I’ve tested it,” he told him.

Mike nodded and awkwardly began to feed his brother. It took a few tries before Sam latched on to the teat and began suckling.

“What’s this?” Ella asked walking Meggy back into the room and over to the table. She lifted her daughter up and into her highchair before sorting out dinner for her.

“I wanted..” Mike began accidently jostling his brother in the process of starting to explain.

“It’s ok,” Ella smiled although she knew that she must have had that pinched look on her face because she caught Roman looking at her again, “I just didn’t want your Dad not to do his share,” she added quickly.

“I’m sure Mike is going to have me do Sam’s nappy,” Roman murmured.

“Too bloody right,” Mike said and flushed as Roman and his mum laughed at him.

“Language,” Ella murmured softly to him before she went over to him and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. She looked at Roman and mouthed the words ‘I love you’ to him knowing that she actually felt them for the first time in ages. He was her family just as much as these kids and she knew that she couldn’t have made it this far without him.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 17

Mike finished the race seconds before Roman managing to step up on to the front veranda with his last bit of energy. He would have crowed triumphantly but that would have required him to stop sucking in the oxygen he needed to not die.

“Guess I need to exercise a bit more,” Roman murmured slowly easing down and stretching out the kinks in his leg muscles.

“I’d….. believe….. you…. If….. you….” Mike panted, “were at least sweating….”

He grinned over at the kid before straightening.

“Let’s get a drink,” Roman said leading him around the garden and into the back.

“Where’s…” Mike began.

“I’m here,” Ella called out from the laundry room, “kids are asleep,” she added a moment ahead of walking into the kitchen where they were.

“He beat me,” Roman told her.

“I see,” Ella said back, her eyes sparkling with merriment.

She moved to the fridge and opened it up, passing out the two bottles of water to them before grabbing a soda for herself.

“Where are the…”

“They are all asleep and good job too, Sophie was saying you were going to teach her to play chess,” Ella interrupted her son and smirked as he flushed.

“Ah, I was going to take them outside and play.”

“Go grab a shower and then you can take them out after they wake up,” she murmured kissing the top of his head.

Mike flashed his cheeky grin at them before he vaulted out of the room and up the stairs.

“That sounds like an excellent idea Mrs Harris, when he takes them out to play can I take you upstairs to play too?”

Ella groaned at Roman as he gave her a flirtatious leer. “Behave Mister,” she muttered in response as she walked away from him and over to the table. Pulling out a chair she sat down and grinned as he followed suite, pulling out a chair of his own and swivelling it around he straddled it and leaned his folded arms leisurely over the back.

“So what do you want to do this evening? We could get some board games out or a dvd?” He asked her.

“I don’t know, maybe ask Mike what he wants to do,” Ella shrugged.

“El,” Roman began.

“It’s his weekend, I don’t want to second guess him, this is …” she spread her hands in emphasis, “is difficult enough for him to understand. I flaming picked him up at school on my motorbike, I took him rock climbing, we went diving at the Great Barrier Reef and here I am bloody afraid to go outside my front door.” Roman grinned at her and she felt her face flaming again, “Don’t you dare!” she warned him vehemently.

“Can’t help grinning, just that the El of a few weeks ago would have got mad at herself in a whole different way instead of this, why this is almost a healthy release of emotion.”

She shook her head at his smirk before grinning back at him.

“Stay here,” she told him.

She stood up quickly and ran over to the front door flinging it wide open and looking outwards. The drive stretched endlessly towards the gate and beyond it the road that took them into town. It was a walkable distance but she would drive there all the time. Settling on another goal she decided that she was going to walk there with the kids when she was better. It wouldn’t hurt to prove that they didn’t have to rely on cars all the time. She sucked in a breath as she focused on looking around past the confines of the doorstep. Taking another deep breath she stepped forward and on to the veranda. Three steps would take her down to the gravel driveway. Three enormous steps. Three steps that were the equivalent of the Ayres Rock, Mount Everest and K2.

She could feel her breathing quicken and felt the onset of panic. No-one was forcing her to do this; she could go back inside and close the door. Coming out the front wasn’t part of her therapy plan just yet. If she sucked in another breath she knew that she would start to hyperventilate and then a full scale panic attack would start. No, she was stronger than that.

One step. See easy. No worries.

Second step, no problems. She wasn’t going to race in the street, or run the same stretch that Mike and Roman had gone earlier, no; she was just going to step down the third step. Then she would walk on the gravel. The same gravel that she’d scooped up and thrown at Gardy again and again, whilst screaming for Roman. He had taken forever to get to her, she’d been alone and defenceless. Small. Gardy could have done anything to her and he’d taken ages to reach her. He’d promised that Gardy wasn’t going to get to her and there he was, holding her ankle, putting his hands on her, telling her he was going to do it again.

“El,” Roman said quietly.

“Why didn’t you stop him? He was …” she gasped and spun around facing him.

“I got to you as quick as I could,” Roman also gasped.

“It wasn’t quick enough,” Ella rubbed at her arms, “he touched me Roman he touched me again,” she cried out.

“I know,” he murmured quietly.

She began to scratch at her arms before looking down and freezing. It wouldn’t help, she told herself, and cutting couldn’t release the pain. Only she could do that by talking.

“He shouldn’t have got out, why did they let him escape?” She asked breathing in and out forcing her control back.

“You mean why did you let him touch you?”

Ella closed her eyes as the first tears fell down her cheeks and she nodded.

“I knew what he was like, why did I think that I could do that? Set a trap for him? I’m not a superwoman!”

“Oh you are,” he told her, “You are the bravest and strongest person I know,” he murmured.

“I don’t feel brave,” she cried, “I hate this,” she added and scratched at her arms again.

“And that is why you are brave and strong, because as much as this scared you and wiped you out you are fighting back,” he said.

She looked at him then, looked at the lines of strain around his mouth and the way he seemed to be scared as though he might say the wrong thing. She held out her hand to him before pulling it back.

“I don’t feel brave,” she said again, “I’m so scared Roman, I’m so scared for us.”

“I am too,” he admitted, “What if you decide, if you realise just how much pain I’ve brought into your life and leave me?”

She shook her head feeling the splash of her tears and they chugged down her face, “If I do this, I have to do it for me,” she cried out.

“I know that too,” he said.

His voice sounded like he was about to cry himself and she recognised that the old El would have run to him and tried to soothe him. She would have dismissed his fears about her, about them, because she was always so sure she loved him and that made her cry out.

She turned away from him and with a shake of her head she made the last step and placed her feet on the gravel. She heard the crunch of the stones under her feet and gasped remembering that awful night that Gardy had come for her once more. How could she get passed this she asked herself when all she could see when she closed her eyes was him? How long did it take to get over this? Surely she should be better by now, recovered? Gardy was dead. He was rotting in a box in the cemetery at Yabbie Creek and she was safe, Roman would die before he let anyone hurt her again. Hurt her or hurt their babies. She gasped feeling the raw pain of mistrusting him for so long.

“Oh god,” she moaned.

“El?”

His voice was panicked and she closed her eyes at the raw pain she could sense from him.

“I’m ok,” she whispered opening her eyes and looking down the drive. The sun was shining, she could hear birds and insects, smell the flowers, feel the breeze that fluttered on her cheeks. It wasn’t dark; she wasn’t alone, waiting for Gardy to turn up. She didn’t get hurt and she didn’t cling on to Roman as hard as she could after he’d been shot. Everything was fine. Taking another step she felt the friction of the breeze on her arms and bit back the way that his touch felt as he grabbed her again. He wasn’t there. He wasn’t going to stop her. She took another step.

“Mum,” Mike gasped out racing down the stairs to where Roman was. She knew that Roman would have stopped him from going further and she half-nodded at that before taking another step.

“It’s ok,” she heard Roman tell Mike and she didn’t have to turn around to know that he’d be hugging their son. For a soldier who swore he was never going to do this family stuff he sure seemed to have a lot of kids suddenly, not only that but he loved them to pieces, and she grinned knowing that her wayward thoughts were because she seemed to have cut through her panicked ones of earlier.

Taking some big steps she moved up the drive and sucking another one of the deep breaths she titled her head back and looked into the sky. The big empty sky that stretched out to infinity and for once, for those few moments that she looked up at it she didn’t feel like it was going to descend on her or suffocate her. She looked back at Roman and grinned again seeing that he was holding on to a worried Mike and she nodded again at him knowing that he’d understand. And he did because he guided Mike over to her and the three of them hugged.

“Okay, this was a big breakthrough for me and now I need a lie down and some chocolate,” she chuckled as Mike looked at her his mouth dropping open.

“Really Mother, really?”

“Unless we don’t have chocolate in which case your Dad is going to have to go to the shop pretty sharpish…”

“Oh we have chocolate,” Roman murmured quickly, “Like I would dare to let us run out of that,” he mock-groaned before leading them all inside and made sure that the door was firmly shut behind them and she knew that he was thinking if only he could shut the pain and horror out as easily.

“Uh huh soldier,” she muttered making for the sofa.

She pointed to the tv and Mike grinned going over and selecting a film which he put on to play as Roman made a trip to the kitchen returning a second later with snacks for him.

“Right, I’m off for my shower,” he announced and headed up the stairs leaving them together.

“Mum,” Mike began.

“I just wanted to see if I could do it,” she answered his unspoken question.

“That’s cool,” he announced nodding his head as he reached for some popcorn.

“It’s still …”

“Nah, I know. It’s a small step. But it’s a step you made so yeah, it’s still cool.”

She grinned and put her arm around him as they watched the movie. This. This was as important as holding and soothing a crying Sam, as having ‘pink nics’ with her precious toddlers and she hoped that he knew that. Looking over at him she smiled again, he was her wonderful Mike; of course he knew that, he had a tendency to know everything.

“Freaking me out Ma,” he said not looking at her.

“Just psyching you out before our chess match later,” she shot back.

“Oh, as if…” Mike rolled his eyes before he looked at her and returned her smile.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 18

“So Mike has gone back to school,” Rachel commented.

“Yes,” came Ella’s response. There had been tears and tantrums. The younger children had been upset over Mike’s return and she hated having to be the bad guy and send him back when he clearly didn’t want to go.

“Sounds like that was rough for you,” the other woman murmured.

“That is an understatement.”

Ella shook her head and frowned, her eyes drawn to the far end wall where she saw the words she’d written on it.

“Ella, how is the …”

“El,” Ella corrected, “I don’t like being called Ella.”

“Because?”

“Because Gardy did. But then you knew that. Everybody knows that. I… sometimes I want to go somewhere where no-one knows what happened to me. I want to… be clean again.”

“Is that running away?”

“Oh yeah, isn’t that ironic, I can’t even…” El stopped and bit her lip, “I went outside, the front you know, did it by myself. I saw…” she bit her lip again.

“Saw?” Rachel prompted after a couple of moments.

“I saw a flashback I suppose to the day that Gardy,” she paused and sucked in a sharp breath, “the time Gardy came to get me.”

Rachel jotted a couple of notes down on the pad resting on her lap. “What did that feel like?”

“Feel like? Or make me feel?”

“Feel like. Stepping outside like that? Must have been, empowering perhaps?”

“No Rachel. It wasn’t. I’m sure Roman is congratulating himself that it’s a step forward in my recovery but no, it’s not. It’s…” El stopped and peered at the floor feeling the clog of tears in the back of her throat.

“What do you want El?”

“I want to feel normal!” Ella screamed out feeling stung into making the outburst.

“And to you, what is normal?”

“Why do you prod me over and over again? Why Rachel? What do you get from it? I want to wake up and go outside without wondering if… if ….” Her voice broke and she lowered her head unable to continue.

“What is going on?” Roman stood in the doorway his eyes on Ella.

“We’re talking,” Rachel said slowly, “about the way Ella went out the other day.”

“And is that why my wife looks like she’s about to collapse?”

El lifted her head and looked at Roman. He was tense, like he was expecting trouble. The sort of trouble that someone like Gardy could cause except this was Rachel, their friend. And he was prepared to do what? Evict her? Why, she wondered for a moment before slowly realising, because of her, because he hated anything that hurt her, including her depression.

“I’m fine,” she told him quietly, “Rachel was just… explaining things and I overreacted.”

Roman stepped back away from the doorway and nodded before he withdrew completely and closed the door again. She heard his footsteps retreating before looking back at Rachel.

“Before, everything, finding Roman, getting married and then moving here. I was different. I was… free.”

“And now you aren’t free?”

El shook her head.

“No I’m never going to be free again,” El said sadly.

“Why do you think that?”

Ella monitored Rachel’s voice, watching the other woman with a curious detachment. Her red hair hung down to her shoulders, with a hint of curls, her eyes sparkled with the same merriment that had always attracted her to the other woman and she sighed. She was still slim, more than slim; she was slight, as if a strong gust of wind could blow her over. She would probably be described as delicate if they were still in the Victorian era.

“Because wherever I go, I will still be Roman’s wife, the children’s mother, Gardy’s victim. I will carry these bags around with me for the rest of my life and I don’t know if I can do it,” El paused before taking a breath and speaking again, “I will never be able to pick up my camera and just get on my bike or in my jeep and go. I will never feel the air flowing over me as I ride away just choosing the roads as they come up with no idea of where I’m going.”

“Do you think of that often? Running away?”

“Is it running away Rachel? Is it really?” El’s voice adopted a bitter note and she couldn’t help it.

“These are questions you have to answer yourself.”

“That’s so good, because you’d never answer them for me,” She snapped out as Rachel provided another non-committal answer.

“El, it’s not down to me to provide the answers. I could say that you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and just go outside. I could say that you were raped but so what, other women get raped every day and get over it.”

Ella recoiled as though she’d been slapped before she got control of herself once more. First she’d felt anger, then hurt and then from out of no-where she’d felt a strange mixture of hate and rage at Rachel’s words. Then the realisation that it wasn’t really Rachel speaking, it was herself. She was saying that stuff to herself every other moment of every day. She was beating herself up and kicking herself. There was a lot of hate inside of her and it was directed as herself.

“I should be able too,” she murmured finally.

“Why?”

“Because why am I letting myself feel like this?” Ella snapped out, “Why am I feeling like…”

“Like?”

“Like a victim,” she whispered.

“Letting.”

“Yes, I can choose to be empowered and not let what he did affect me but…” El shrugged.

“I’m pretty certain that we can’t just skip over some of the things we need to experience in order to heal. A great hurt was done to you El, not just that but the way he stalked you and then kidnapped you, the uncertainty over Meggy’s parentage, Sam’s kidnap. All of those are tied together in a big package inside your head and we need to unravel them in order to focus on what you need to do to get better.”

“Right now I’m not sure I want to get better,” El finally said, “Because if I get better then what is next?”

“Your life,” Rachel promised.

“It’s not mine. This isn’t my life. These aren’t my friends. This isn’t my home. It’s all Roman.”

“I feel like you are focusing on certain things in order to…”

“To what Rachel?”

“To avoid facing what you need to do.”

“We seem to go round in circles,” El snapped out.

“We do, but then you like doing that El; it means that we never discuss what you don’t want to talk about.”

“What don’t I want to talk about?”

“The rape.”

“Gardy raped me. There.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

“Seriously? Seriously you are asking me that?”

“Yes,” Rachel leaned forward slightly meeting her gaze and forcing her to look back. As if Rachel knew that if she looked away then she’d miss something.

“I hate it. I hate the hurt, the pain, the nightmares, the scars, I hate that it’s all inside me again because I really thought I had a grip on this. I thought I was putting it behind me. I’d done the crying Rachel and I don’t cry.”

“Don’t cry?” Rachel prompted after a long silence.

“I don’t… feel like normal people I suppose. I mean, all the feelings are there but I …”

“Hide them?”

“Disguise them,” Ella decided.

“Then maybe it’s good that you are having to face up to what happened to you.”

“No it’s bad, I don’t want….. to feel this way.”

“No-one wants to feel this way El, but sometimes we have to in order to move on. You want to move on?”

“I do,” El said knowing how emphatic her voice sounded, “I’m so tired of this.”

“Then maybe you need to tell Gardy how he hurt you?”

“How can I do that he is dead?”

“Sometimes when we can’t confront the person who’s hurt us for whatever reason we write them a letter and it gives us a chance to let those feelings out in a ..”

“A controlled release?”

“For want of another phrase. Why don’t you try it?”

El nodded slowly at Rachel’s question feeling for once that this was making some sense. She had a lot of hurt bottled up inside, stuff she thought she’d dealt with but obviously not.

“I don’t argue with Roman anymore,” she added slowly.

“Why do you think that is?”

“He couldn’t get angry at me after… “

“He felt that he would scare you if he got angry? Shouted for example.”

“I suppose so, we talked it through, but well I don’t get mad at him Rachel. I… maybe… I don’t know,” she shrugged, “if I don’t argue he doesn’t have to…”

Rachel nodded her expression compassionate, “Get into a fight with you?”

“Exactly,” El shrugged again before standing up and moving over to the window. Pushing aside the long lace curtain she found she couldn’t control the shudder that ran through her as she looked out of it and saw the spot where Roman had lain after he’d been shot. Beyond that she could see Rachel’s car parked behind Roman’s and then the length of the driveway stretched out unto it met the gate signalling the end of the drive and the start of the road. Then what, the town, then further Yabbie Creek and from there she would pick up the highway and head into the city to reach the studio.

“So are there times you think you should be angry with him?”

“I think,” El began cautiously, “that there are times that I am angry with him and it reaches a crisis point until I.. “ she paused considering her words, “I get angry but at the wrong person. I… take it out on me,” El sighed, “Does that make sense?”

“I think that makes a perfect sense. If you don’t get angry, you don’t fight but that emotion has to go somewhere.”

“So where are we?”

Rachel smiled at her, “I think we’ve reached a good place to stop for today. Continue with the exercises and… write the letter.”

“Do you…”

“I don’t need to read it. No-one does. It’s for you to decide if you want to share it. I imagine that it will be extremely hard for you to write and at the same time liberating.”

Ella nodded before finally turning away from the window, the lace curtain falling back covering the window.

“I haven’t said it.. but thank you Rachel.”

“You don’t need to say it. I know you think that we are Roman’s friends but we are yours too.” Rachel put away her notebook and pen into her briefcase and stood up from the red chair turning to face her.

“I…” El was torn between apologising and muttering a denial. She was friendly with Leah but still on some deep level was aware that she and Roman had history, as did Rachel and Roman. She smiled suddenly as she recognised jealousy coursing through her veins. Roman was hers, she murmured to herself.

“Okay so our next session is next week. Anything you need to talk about between now and then you can give me a call,” Rachel said slowly.

“Thanks Rachel,” El said quietly.

She walked with her to the front door and then stepped out of it, waiting on the veranda as Rachel climbed into her car and drove off. She remained standing there for a long time after before feeling a shudder of reaction go through her. Turning to head back into the house she saw Roman standing behind her in the doorway his eyes on her.

“I’m fine,” she murmured.

“Ok,” he said back.

“Kids?”

“Gone for their lay down. I would say nap but Meggy was reading everyone a story.”

“She’s a … “

“Takes after her mother.”

“Thanks!” Ella groaned as she walked inside and over to him. She looked up at him before pressing a soft kiss to his lips. She heard him push the door closed behind her and felt a small amount of disquiet that he seemed to be trying to make things easier for her before dismissing it. He was her husband and it was his job to take care of her just as it was her job to take care of him. She had to focus on the positive and not always react with that negative mindset she’d been having lately.

Easing away from him she kicked off her shoes and tiptoed up the stairs and into the nursery. She heard Meggy’s voice before she’d even reached the room and bit back a chuckle before walking into the room.

“Mama, no’s…” Meggy cried out shaking her head.

“Meggy…” Ella called softly her eyes seeking out Sam in his cot before she walked over to her daughter’s bed. She sat on the edge and leaned over taking the book from her and putting it to one side. “Naps are for little girls and boys to sleep so they can play more.”

“We’s not sleepy,” Meggy announced with a definitive shake of her head. Her blonde-streaked hair swung around her head and she lifted her hand and pushed it back from her face.

“I’m sure but…” Ella faked a yawn watching with a half-smile as Meggy copied her.

“k’s mama,” Meggy said after a couple of minutes.

Ella settled her daughter into her bed and pressed several kisses to her face before she moved over and did the same with Sophie, checking her elder daughter had her bear, Piglet, with her and then Georgie. She passed by Sam’s cot resisting the urge that made her want to pick him up and check him over before walking out of the nursery. Roman was standing on the stairs his eyes seeking out hers. With a soft smile she held out her hand to him and laughed quietly as he vaulted up the rest of the stairs and moved with her into the bedroom. Even if she couldn’t quite make love to him yet she knew that she still wanted to hold on to him for a while.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 19

Roman looked out on the view as he began to turn the key to lock the door of the diner. It was late and he was tired, the kids had been fretful the night before and kept them awake and normally he didn’t have to do the late shift but Leah hadn’t been feeling well so he couldn’t get out of it. Ella had another appointment with Rachel and he felt like he needed to go home and check on them. All of that had him feeling anxious so when a knock on the door startled him and he jumped back. Frowning as he peered through the glass door he slowly unlocked it and stepped aside to let in Miles.
“I need coffee,” Miles gasped out, “And it’s getting stormy out there,” he added pushing a hand through his hair and trying to smooth out the chaos.
“Hang on,” Roman muttered giving another glance out of the window.
Turning away he walked over to the kitchen and began making the coffee even as he reached for his phone and dialled. The call rang out to voicemail and he looked at it in annoyance before dialling again, this time it was picked up on the second ring.
“Hey,” Ella sounded breathless.
“Hi, just checking in, Miles says it’s getting rough weather wise,” Roman murmured like this was an everyday call.
“Yeah, I got that, I just walked Rachel out to her car,” Ella said slowly from the other side of the Bay.
Roman closed his eyes as he heard those words. She’d gone outside. He felt himself well up and blinked away tears and only then did he realise how stressed he was himself.
“Er…” he began.
“I’m good,” Ella assured him, “Kids are dozing on the sofa under blankets, got the candles and torch at the ready if the power goes out.”
“I’ll come back and check the generator,” he said quickly.
“I don’t think it’ll be that bad.”
“Still…”
“Why don’t you have a coffee with Miles and call me when you are on your way home?”
He heard new confidence in her voice and guessed it was because she’d gone outside without being prompted or as part of her therapy and he couldn’t say that having a cuppa with Miles wasn’t appealing. Just. What. If. Something. Happened. He frowned at the way he’d mentally capitalized those words inside his head.
“Yeah, ok, that would be good, speak to you later,” he said slowly forcing the words out past his lips.
“Love you,” Ella said and cut the connection her end.
Roman slowly lowered the phone and looked at the wall in front of him. He knew that he should be making the coffee or at least doing something but he was stuck in place. Was it false bravado? Did he need to go home? Would she be okay? What about the kids?
“Roman,” Miles said slowly from behind him.
“Yeah coffee, just…”
Miles stepped forward and placed a hand on his shoulder.
“I’ll get the coffee and you can tell me what’s been going on,” he instructed.
Roman nodded and stepped aside watching as Miles moved to the coffee machine and slowly determinedly made two cups of coffee before taking them over to a table. He followed at a slower pace before he sat down and accepted the coffee.
“I ..”
“What is it? We can tell something is wrong you know,” Miles murmured.
“We?” Roman questioned quickly.
“Aden, Leah, Irene… me,” Miles said slowly, “you aren’t your normal self and can we point out we haven’t seen El about for ages.”
Roman swigged at his coffee to stop himself from blurting out anything but he could feel his control slipping. Who did he have to talk to? Not Rachel that was for certain and Leah, well no, not her either. That would be a betrayal of El for some strange reason because of his past relationship with the other woman.
“El is…” he finally began.
“El..” Miles prompted.
“She’s afraid to go outside. She cut herself. She doesn’t eat. She..” Roman stopped and felt tears slipping down his face, “And I didn’t even notice.”
“Roman,” Miles gasped out.
Roman gasped as he felt a sob rising in his chest, “She fell to pieces and I didn’t even notice. What kind of man am I?”
“The world’s worst husband from the sound of it.”
Roman’s head shot up at Miles’s comment and he grimaced before giving way to a laugh.
“Got that right,” he muttered when he got some control of his emotions back.
“Does it change how you feel about her?”
“Of course it doesn’t,” he muttered feeling stung by the question. It wasn’t El’s fault she was ill and hell even if it was she was getting help now and that was the important thing.
“So what are you going to do? Wail because you missed the signs or focus on helping her to get well?”
“Miles,” Roman spread his hands expressively; “I’m doing everything I can.”
“It does explain why we haven’t seen you for a while,” Miles drank from his cup his eyes on Roman as he did so.
“I look back on things now and wonder why I never picked up on the signs. She never let me near Sam and I thought it was because she needed to bond with him after the kidnap. So yeah, ok, and then she was forever in the nursery. Turns out it was because she didn’t sleep more than a couple of hours every night.”
He watched Miles nodding and found himself relaxing, like actually talking about this stuff might be a release and he half-groaned.
“Sounds rough,” Miles said slowly.
“It is,” Roman muttered, “Not because I now have to take care of the kids or anything, but because Ella is my rock.”
“I’m sorry mate; I just don’t know what to say. Is she getting treatment?”
“No, I thought I’d just wait it out,” Roman muttered rubbing a hand across his face, “What do you reckon!”
“She’s not like anorexic or anything?”
“No, she doesn’t have a problem with food, she just doesn’t eat.”
Roman shrugged at his words knowing he hadn’t explained it very well. El would get busy doing something, in some strange method that made sense to her right now and then hours would pass before he’d realise she hadn’t had lunch or dinner. She was never a breakfast eater anyway. This was why he was starting to add extra snack foods to the weekly shop, just things that would tempt her appetite, like her favourite chocolate or chips, not forgetting the dip of course.
He sucked in a sharp breath before explaining that to Miles watching as the other man’s face registered understanding.
“Do you need to stop pandering to her?”
“No,” Roman muttered quickly, “I don’t see it as that. I can’t fix her. I don’t have a magic wand to make things better.”
“But if you did?”
Roman gave his friend a look, “I’d make my best friend less sarcastic first,” he muttered.
The two men shared a look before laughing.
“Can we visit her?” Miles asked making Roman frown at the question.
Aside from Rachel and Nic, no-one had been to the house. Perhaps that was part of it; El didn’t have people to talk to about the everyday stuff let alone the deeper stuff she was going through. Resolving to fix that at least, he finished his drink and stood up taking his cup through to the kitchen leaving Miles to finish his coffee alone.
“I think it would be good, maybe you could call when Mike comes for the weekend. He could probably do with some less stressed out time.”
“Ok, will do,” Miles had stood and moved into the kitchen too, handing Roman his empty cup, “I’ll give you a call.”
Roman nodded and left the cups by the sink and grabbed the keys and his things before escorting Miles out to the door. He waved goodbye to the other man and locked up the diner.

Ella set the table with the best china and lit the candles. The kids were bed so she was taking the opportunity to spend some time with her husband. Not that he’d really appreciate the china or the table setting if he were tired and he did look tired, dark circles around his eyes and it was obvious he’d lost weight recently. It was all the extra running around he did for her and the kids. She needed to get better just to make their relationship even again.
So focused on her thoughts she didn’t hear him come in through the door and froze for a millisecond when he called her name.
“Hey,” she replied shrugging off the automatic reaction.
“Hello,” Roman murmured.
“I’ve cooked dinner, kids are in bed but no doubt Meggy is waiting for her Dada to go say goodnight to her.”
“I’ll go up then, have I time to grab a shower?”
Ella looked at her watch before nodding, “About fifteen minutes before dinner is served,” she noted.
She was focused on the table setting so didn’t notice Roman leaning in towards her for a brief second before seeming to change his mind and pulling back before he headed out of the room and up the stairs.
Altering the table setting just a bit she moved away into the kitchen and focused on the food, presenting it in serving dishes. It was mashed potato, mixed vegetables and finally for him, a steak, and medium rare just the way he liked him. She took all the food over to the table before making a second trip for the bottle of wine she’d picked out for him. She’d opened the bottle earlier to allow it to breathe and even she liked the smell of this particular one. Not that she was going to drink any because she was still breastfeeding Sam and well, she didn’t like wine.
“Meggy was reading again.”
“That’d be right,” Ella smiled.
She caught sight of him looking again at the table and seeing not only a steak served up on his plate but also the bottle of wine.
“What is all this?” He asked her with a wave of his hand.
“Well I thought we should celebrate my breakthrough and you needed to do some relaxing.”
Roman smiled as he sat down at the table and looked at the bottle.
“Am I supposed to drink all of this?”
“That is up to you, luckily I’m still breastfeeding.”
Roman laughed before gasping in surprise when Ella moved to sit in his lap, “whoa.”
“Hey you,” Ella spoke softly as she lifted her hand and stroked his forehead, “did you know that you are getting worry lines?”
“I’ve got two more daughters; of course I’m getting worry lines. Good god woman, what if they turn out like Nic?”
“You’ll be proud of them just like you are with Nic,” she predicted.
“I will,” he murmured, “Just as I’ll be proud of my sons.”
“So…” she paused and stroked the place on his forehead where the worry line appeared, “This must be because of me.”
Roman reached up and caught hold of her hand.
“Maybe, but you had a good day today?”
“Rachel and I had a good session. And I walked out to her car without even thinking about it,” Ella muttered quickly, her words almost tumbling over each other in her haste to get them out, “So anyway, back to you. Would you like some wine pouring?”
“Please,” he said softly.
Ella reached over and poured a very generous amount of wine into his glass before handing the glass to him and watching as he tasted it.
“Very nice,” he commented taking another drink before placing the glass on the table.
“Good, it had a good write up from reviewers.”
“Want to try it?”
Ella shuddered even as she shook her head no and heard him laugh.
“Hey, not everyone can like wine,” she pouted.
“I know,” he lifted his hand and stroked a lock of hair back from her face, tucking it behind her ear.
“So I was er.. thinking, maybe we should, well, get an,” She stopped talking, feeling her face flushing.
“Before or after we eat the food?”
“don’t,” Ella gasped.
“Don’t what?”
“Make me embarrassed. I just thought, well, if you wanted, and well.”
“Could you maybe say a sentence without the word ‘well’ in it?”
Ella gasped indignantly before she laughed. Tilting her head forward the same lock of hair he’d tucked behind her ear fell forward too as she leaned in and whispered into his ear.
“Now I’m blushing,” Roman told her.
“Gah!”
She eased off his lap and moved to sit next to him at the table before serving up the food and they began to eat.
“I spoke to Miles, he sends his best,” Roman broached.
“Been a while since we saw anybody socially.”
Roman nodded, “I know, its ok,” He added hastily, “I thought it might be good to have him over at the weekend.”
“Yeah,” Ella said her voice still betraying her guilt at stopping him from seeing his friends.
“Maybe we could do lunch,” he suggested.
“Or a Bbq?”
“Really? You know that Nic will want to come?”
Ella gave a small grimace and nodded.
“I have to start somewhere. Speaking of which, I thought maybe we could try…”
“Ella Harris!” Roman gasped out interrupting her, “how many more sexual things are you going to suggest?”
“Going shopping, thank you very much!”
She gasped and stood from the table clearing away their empty plates. As she moved around the kitchen and organised the desert she heard his mocking laughter and felt her cheeks flushing. She blushed even more as she added cream to the bowl of fresh strawberries and the meringue she’d cooked. Taking the bowls into the dining room she saw that Roman had moved over to the sofa and put the television on. He was surfing through the channels before seeming to settle on something.
She smiled at him as he relaxed back amongst the cushions and took a long drink of his wine. She couldn’t believe how good this felt, how natural and sighed before shrugging off the feeling and walking over to where her man was.