Bound By Fear, Rescued By Love

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 20

Ella glanced around again before she bit her lip.
“We can go home?” Roman suggested, her husband obviously catching her anxious looks.
“Pretty sure we’d need to leave the driveway first to technically have left home,” she pointed out.
“El,” Roman pouted at her and she let out a small giggle feeling her tension slipping away.
“I have to buy stuff,” she murmured to him, “therefore we need to go shopping.”
“I can get anything you want,” Roman pointed out.
“Girlie stuff,” she said quickly and waited. As he understood her meaning he flushed, red colour spotting his cheeks.
“I can get that too,” he murmured quickly.
“Yeah,” She sent him a look.
He returned her look, “I can.”
“I believe you,” Ella looked out of the front of the car, “So who would you send? Nic or Jacko?”
“Jacko,” he answered immediately.
She laughed partly because she was supposed to and partly because she suspected he was serious.
“Let’s go before the shop shuts,” she pointed out.
With another sigh Roman put the car in gear and slowly pulled out of the drive and on to the road all the time shooting looks at her. She kept her eyes straight ahead trying not to think about the trip ahead, walking from the car to the shop and then actually taking some time to look around before selecting what she needed.
Even so she still felt the knot of apprehension tying in her stomach as the car moved along the road. Any second now she was going to scream at him to take her home, to where her babies were.
“So what else do you want?”
His innocuous question cut through the million and one thoughts racing through her head like a laser beam and she gave him a narrowed eyed look before sighing.
“I need to restock the bathroom cabinet, and then we should do the grocery shop,” she muttered folding her arms across herself without realising it.
“I’ve noticed that Sam needs some new babygrows,” Roman commented.
Ella sighed and cast a look at him.
“Just how long were you planning on keeping me out?”
“Long enough.”
She sighed at his answer before focusing once more on the view out of the windscreen. Seeing trees and scrubland passing by as they drove along the road that would take them to the main road and from there it would be just another ten minutes before they would make it to the Yabbie Creek mall. She could tell him to go back. She could give in to the nagging feelings at the pit of her stomach that were making her feel uneasy but she had to do this, had to start moving forward not letting the past crucify herself.
Gardy.
A flash of pain made her gasp out loud and she immediately felt the car slow as Roman reacted.
“El?”
“I’m ok,” she assured him.
He shot her a look of concern and she nodded at him before reaching for the entertainment console in the middle of the dashboard and pressed play on the CD player before busying herself adjusting the volume and other controls.
“Of course you are,” Roman murmured a while later as he parked up the car in the shopping car park.
She blinked and looked up at him surprised that she’d zoned out and not noticed part of the journey, “I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“All of this I suppose,” she murmured hating the depressive note that had entered her voice and heard him sighing in response.
“El, please we’re married. I think that the in sickness and health bit covers things like this.”
A brief second passed before she looked at him as he switched the engine off and he turned to look back at her. She smiled at him, not noticing that they were in a car miles from home, from her precious children and her baby. Now for this brief moment she was Ella, she was his wife and the weight of the depression lifted just for that brief moment, long enough to have her take hold of his hand and lean forward to place a soft kiss on his lips.

Walking back to the car after visiting not just one shop but three Ella knew she’d made the right choice to come out, despite numerous moments of panic where she’d found herself hyperventilating at one point she’d managed to get what she needed, and of course a few things she didn’t need.
Roman had rolled his eyes at her when she’d ducked into the third shop, a toy store but she’d seen his grin when she’d pulled her hand away from his to disappear down the back of the shop towards the cuddly toys aisle.
Not that the kids needed new toys. Sophie had her favourite teddy called Piglet and Meggy had a rag doll. Georgie had his dinosaur that he hid under his pillow because he was the elder brother now, even though he was only three, and he’d decided that he didn’t need cuddly toys.
“El,” Roman called her and spun around looking for him before she spotted him next to the display at the end of the aisle holding a pale cream fluffy bear. She knew a smile had sprung on to her face from watching the way his had lit up and felt the immediate spring of tears into her eyes. She was dragging him down, she thought sadly.
“I like it,” she murmured pushing away the negative thoughts with a struggle.
“Yeah I know.”
He tucked the bear under his arm and carried one walking down the aisle towards her.
“You are not buying me that bear,” she muttered.
“I’m getting it for myself.”
“Oh really,” she gasped before spinning on her heal and stalking away from him stopping when she saw a teddy bear dressed as a fairy princess in a pink satin dress. She sighed as her hand automatically reached out for it and she picked it up checking out the dress and the gossamer wings on the back of it.
It took her a few moments before she realised that Roman had disappeared and she looked round feeling the immediate start of the panic inside her. She felt her heart thud in her chest as her breathing quickened.
Clutching at the bear she glanced around the aisle and then beyond searching for him as she felt wash after wash of panic flooding through her system. Just as she was about to have a full panic attack she heard his footsteps behind her and spun around catching sight of him wheeling a shopping trolley towards her.
“God, Roman,” she cursed under her breath before running over to him and throwing herself into his arms.
“I was gone two minutes El,” he defended himself as he was forced to hold her to stop them no doubt collapsing in the aisle.
Finally able to look up at his face she sighed, “but they were really long minutes,” she sobbed.
“Are you getting that?”
She blinked at his change of subject before looking at the bear she was clutching and nodded placing it demurely in the trolley next to the other bear.
“And is it for you?”
She bit her lip as she contemplated her answer before finally shaking her head, “No Sophie,” she conceded.
“And what…”
“Don’t even start.”
“About Meggy?” he finished his question.
Ella glared at him for a minute before she went over to another shelf and picked up another bear wearing a pinafore dress. Looking it over, she smiled as she imagined the look on her daughter’s face when she saw it. There was a little bit of a tomboy vibe about her daughter when she wasn’t being a complete troublemaker.
“Georgie won’t want a bear,” she murmured to him as she placed the bear in the trolley.
“No? Maybe we should get him some more lego?”
She smiled at that and half-nodded, “Maybe.”
Roman fiddled with the shopping bags he’d placed in the shopping trolley to save himself from carrying them and she used his distraction to sneak in another couple of cuddly toys.
“Come on,” he said slowly and began pushing the trolley, “El?”
“What?” She asked before catching sight of where he was looking, “But I totally haven’t bought them stuff for ages..” she murmured with a pout.
“Oh in that case, carry on.”
Ella glared at him before flouncing down the aisle and over to the next one selecting some toys and placing them in the trolley when Roman caught up with her. It didn’t dawn on her until later that in those few moments she’d stopped worrying about being outside, she’d stopped worrying that there could be someone unknown out there coming for them. For those precious moments she just had fun.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 21

Ella slipped back into bed next to Roman. Despite his eyes being closed she knew that he wasn’t asleep.
“We need to talk,” she said determinedly.
“Do we?”
“Yes,” she glared at him and saw that he’d opened one eye to look at her.
“Why?”
“Because we tried to have sex and it was awful!” she muttered back at him.
Roman sighed as he sat up in the bed and moved the pillows behind him. Looking over at her he gave her a smile before switching on his bedside light.
“It wasn’t awful,” he began.
“Was,” she insisted stubbornly before moving to sit up next to him.
“Ella Harris,” he muttered reaching out and placing his hand on the back of the head. She sighed at his touch feeling herself tense up all over again, just as she had during their lovemaking. If the twenty minutes of fumbling could have counted as lovemaking.
“What?” She knew her tone was sullen.
“We kissed, touched, held each other. The fact that you aren’t ready for it to go any further is okay, it really is. We have nothing but time.”
“I don’t feel..”
“Feel what?” He prompted.
“Like it’s getting any better between us,” she gave a small moan, “I don’t enjoy it.”
She knew that if looked at his face she would see his hurt and puzzlement.
“El,” he said and she gasped when he lifted her up and pulled her to sit in his lap.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m talking to my wife,” he said smoothly.
In another lifetime she knew that she wouldn’t have questioned his reasons for lifting her into his lap and felt guilty for her suspicions. Not every touch had to be about sex, she chided herself.
“Look,” she began and groaned when his eyes travelled down her body resting on the display of cleavage peeping out of her satin nightdress, “Oi!” she gasped out.
“You told me to look,” he murmured.
“I didn’t mean that!”
“So I should stop looking?”
“Yes,” she hissed.
“Ok, when?”
“Roman I’m being serious!” He sighed at her before meeting her gaze. “I want you to masturbate.”
“you want what?”
“I want you to …” she felt her face flaming and lowered her head letting her hair fall forward to cover her face.
“You want to watch me masturbate?”
“No!”
“So…” Roman sighed, “Is this the whole I’m a man and I have needs thing?”
“It is,” she confirmed after an awkward silence descended between them.
“Ok,” he muttered after a minute.
“Ok?”
“I’m not going to deny myself pleasure obviously and it’s nice that I have your permission. It makes it so much more….”
“More?” She prompted.
“romantic?”
“How is it romantic?” she gasped out the question and flushed again as he met her gaze and nodded. She groaned, of course telling him he could do it, giving him permission wasn’t romantic nor was it loving. She was an idiot.
Roman reached out and pushed her hair back from her face.
“I love you, I’m prepared to wait obviously not forever because as we both know I’m not that patient but well, until you are ready. There’s no pressure here El, none. I know that we haven’t made love fully since the early days of you being pregnant with Sam but that doesn’t matter to me, what does matter is… “
“Is?”
“You,” he concluded, “You matter to me. Us, our relationship, the kids. Everything else is secondary and I’m so mad that you would think that not only do I need some kind of physical release but that sex is more important than what you mean to me.”
Ella sighed again. Her life was full of sighs. Full of moments where she second and third guessed every action. How could it have got to this state? How could she have let it?
Pushing her negative thoughts away she looked at him.
“I want you to masturbate,” she told him again, her voice sounding stronger even to her ears.
“Because?”
“Because until I’m fully better I don’t want you to suffer.”
“You mean suffer frustration of epic proportions.”
“Yes,” she hissed out stung into anger.
“That might make me do dreadful things like be unfaithful?”
“No!” she gasped out urgently.
“I think that is part of what you are thinking. Because once before I had a brief thought about someone else.”
“Thought?” She asked scathingly, “you nearly kissed her! I was there I saw it!”
“And what did you do Ella? Let’s talk about you now shall we? You headed into the city and started flirting with everything in pants. Not so saintly now are you?”
“I never …” she groaned and pushed at his chest as she began to get up, just needing to get away from the conversation.
“Ella,” Roman pulled at her arms holding her in place. Reaching across to her he placed his lips gently on hers, “I want my wife,” he whispered against her lips, “I’m waiting until she is ready.”
“I can’t,,, I don’t feel… I don’t want you!”
She felt him recoil from her and knew that she’d hurt him which was the last thing she ever wanted to do.
“I see,” he said slowly and began to lift her off his lap.
“Roman, stop, listen, please,” she begged.
Something in her tone must have got to him because he stopped momentarily before lifting her off him and placing her by his side. She gasped again when she saw him pushing down his pyjamas and began touching himself.
“Don’t do this Roman,” she begged him.
“It’s what you wanted El,” he muttered anger in his voice.
“I don’t want this,” she cried out.
“Don’t want me, don’t want this, what the hell do you want Ella? What the hell do you want?”
His voice was quiet because of the sleeping kids in the nursery but she knew that he was shouting at her. She wanted to shout back but was suddenly so defeated by the constant struggle inside of herself that she rocked back on her heels. Her eyes met his before she closed them, shutting out the emotion that she saw on his face. She was hurting him. And in hurting him she was hurting herself because the very last thing she wanted in the universe was for him or their kids to feel pain, especially because of her.
Sucking it all down inside herself she opened her eyes and looked at him before peeling off her nightdress and leaning forward to kiss him on his beautiful mouth.
“Not all the way,” she whispered softly before she stroked a hand down his body. She let her fingers graze along his skin feeling each movement like an electrical charge going through her. This was something different. Like something long dead was suddenly awakening within her.
Kissing him again she suddenly realised that he was reaching for her and tugging her to lie down with him in their big bed. His hands were so strong but each time they touched her were so gentle and she loved that about him.
He stroked down her arms until he reached her hands and then lifted them to place them flat on his stomach before he guided them upwards to glide over the hard plains of his chest. She moved them of her own accord them over his shoulders and down his arms. She loved that he was so strong he could lift her up and carry her. It made her feel safe, just like he always did.
She sighed again but this time because she was enjoying being with him, enjoying the sensations that were beginning to flutter inside her. She gave in to those feelings as she kissed him, as she felt his first touches on her skin, the way he shaped and caressed her flesh.
She gave a little moan when she felt tingles emanating inside of her at his touch feeling more aroused than she had for a long time. As he moved beside her she felt his arousal and her eyes flew open to meet his gaze. Dissenting words that flew to her lips were never said as he kept kissing her softly, kept gently caressing her, kept the lovemaking at a pace that didn’t scare her and she found herself falling just a bit in love with him for it.
Later. She caught him opening one eye as she watched him and blushed.
“You enjoyed that?” He asked rolling over and stretching.
“You know very well I enjoyed it.”
“Ha, as if. Unless I flat out ask you I’ll never know.”
“I.. “ she stuttered feeling like she’d just been slapped somehow, “I,” she began again, “Don’t mean…”
Roman turned his head and kissed the end of her nose cutting off her words before he gave her a smile.
“You are shy when it comes to sex, because that was instilled in you by your mother. I get it, I really do but this is us, this is passion and loving and we’re married too. There is nothing dirty about what we do, nothing sinful.”
“Do you think it’s just that?”
“No, El I think it’s everything. Hormones after Sam was born and you had such a difficult pregnancy. Your mother. Your upbringing. Your faith. What he did. The way your body has changed. It’s all wrapped up in a big bag of neurosis and you need to work out how you are going to deal with it.”
“See when you are like that, so clinical after what we just did in this bed; it makes me feel even more ashamed. I can’t just have sex, I need to feel a connection, need to feel comfortable with my thoughts, my feelings and my body and I’m sorry if that makes me a lousy sexual partner but that is me.”
He groaned and rubbed a hand over his face before throwing back the covers and getting up out of the bed.
“I’m going to get a drink,” he declared striding towards the en suite.
“See that doesn’t help either,” she muttered angrily.
“What?”
“You running away every time we need to have a serious talk.”
“It’s four am. I’m at work at 6am. We’ve been up most of the night. Do you want to talk rationally about sex? Really?”
“Yes dammit, you can’t just say that stuff about me and then walk out. It isn’t fair.”
“It’s the truth though Ella, admit it.” He strode into the en suite and she heard the shower come on. Rustling around under the covers she located her nightdress and pulled it over her head, getting the straps twisted as she rushed. Just as she got it in place she saw him coming out of the en suite and moving over to his dresser where he discarded his towel and pulled on fresh boxers and a new pair of tracksuit bottoms.
“It’s not.”
“Then tell me that being raised Catholic didn’t affect you?”
“Of course it did…”
“How using birth control made you feel guilty when we were first together and even now when you are on the pill you feel bad don’t you?”
“You know it does but not enough for that to be a problem. Just because I was raised Catholic doesn’t mean that I believe any more than you do. Tell me Roman, what was it like being in a big Italian family? You going to tell me that there weren’t any trips out to mass?”
“No actually there weren’t and my family aren’t an issue here.”
“Aren’t they? Do they actually know they have grandchildren?”
“Don’t change the subject. My parents, well they hurt me deeply and I don’t have contact with them because of it,” he sucked in a breath and turned to look at her, “you’re ashamed of your body.”
“No I’m not.”
“Then come here and take off your nightdress, let’s see you parade around naked for me. You know just like you used to.”
“Yeah, used to, not like I’m…” she stopped and looked in his face before climbing off the bed and moving over to stand in front of him. Moving her hands up to the straps of her nightdress she let them slide down her arms until the satin material slithered down her body to land in a pool at her feet, “I’m not ashamed of my body.”
Roman reached out and with one finger he began to trace the scar that Gardy had left on her stomach. She reacted immediately pulling away from him and reaching down for her nightdress a moan of distress passing her lips.
“And you reckon you’re not ashamed.”
“That’s not fair you know how I feel about…”
Roman bent down and grabbed hold of her shaking hands, holding them within his grasp for a second before he picked up the straps of the nightdress and eased it back up her body covering her once more.
“I love you,” he murmured slowly, “I love your body and I accept certain limits between us but Ella there are things you need to let go of in order for you to be happy.”
“You can’t..” she pulled away from him sliding the straps back in place and pacing away from him. She recognised that now she was the one walking away and hated herself for it. Roman was challenging the core of her and she didn’t have any answers for him.
“I think that maybe we should take a break, maybe stop trying to force things between us and when you are better then.. we’ll see.”
She flinched, feeling as though he’d struck her with each word and suddenly it made sense. He wasn’t happy. He needed sex. She wasn’t fit to be a wife or mother. She gasped as she recognised the negative thought pattern she’d immediately sunk too putting herself down again.
“El,” Roman caught hold of her arms and guided her to the bed and she sank down on to it gratefully as she felt her legs giving away.
“You’re breaking up with me?” She whispered before flinching at the foolishness of her question. They weren’t teenagers, it wasn’t a break up he was going to divorce her. He was going to take the kids too because she was unfit. Useless.
“No I’m not,” he said quietly, “I just want to remove the pressure off you.”
“You are going to get rid of me…” she gasped out having sunk into her world where she only heard the negative voice inside her head.
“No,” he said again, “No. forget I said anything.”
“You think I’m unfit don’t you? You’re going to take the kids away from me,” she whispered.
She felt Roman give her a shake, feeling her head snap back and forward before she blinked up at him.
“I’m not going to take the kids. I’m not divorcing you. I just want you to get better,”
He lifted her under the covers and tucked her in the bed before placing a finger under her chin and tilting her head up so she had to look at him. “I love you,” he said again, “I always have and I always will. I don’t want a divorce and I certainly don’t want to be away from you but I do want you to get better. I want you to do all the things you used to love doing, surfing, swimming, spending time with your friends..”
“I don’t have any friends,” she whispered slowly, thinking only of what would happen if he left her. Everyone in Summer Bay would be on his side because she was the outsider; she was the one in the wrong.
“Okay,” he said quietly, “Okay.”
Standing up he eased away from her and slipped out of the room heading down the stairs. She lay curled up in the bed too engrossed in her misery to notice. Everything was going wrong and it was her fault she was useless just like her mother kept saying to her.
Ella jumped when she felt Roman’s hand touch her shoulder.
“Drink this,” he instructed.
She eased up and reluctantly accepted the glass he handed her taking a cautious sip. She gasped as the neat brandy hit the back of her throat and nearly choked. Her eyes flew to his and she moaned at the expression of pity on his face.
“Ella I can’t do this anymore, I can’t sit back and see you beating yourself up all the time. I don’t want a divorce and I don’t want to leave you but I just can’t be here when you are like this.”
“Don’t….” she began.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t leave,” she whispered, “I know how bad I am okay, I just can’t…”
“Sorry,” he stood and stepped back from the bed.
“Roman no, don’t.. I can do what you want… I can have sex okay…. And we can be happy…” she begged him, tears falling down her face.
“How are we going to be happy Ella? How?”
“I’ll do what you want, you want me to be sexy and…” she stopped and blinked before shaking her head.
“And what?”
“And nothing,” she muttered, “I’m not that person. I’m not….”
“What person?”
“My mother,” she whispered placing her fingers to her lips, “she begged men to stay with her. And…”
“And?”
“If you need to leave then…”
“Are you even listening to me?”
“Roman…”
“I don’t want to leave you Ella, I love you but this, this has to stop. This paranoia, this… questioning yourself all the time. I can’t be around you when this goes on. It hurts me. You are beautiful and I love you but this, this is too much for me.”
“I see,” she said after a moment.
“Do you? Honestly?”
“You want someone else,” she told him.
He blinked at her before shaking his head, “No you don’t understand…”
“You want an Ella who doesn’t exist, someone else,” she shook her head.
Roman flinched at her tone and shook his head in response and seeming to debate whether to leave the room and see if he could get some sleep in the spare room he finally moved around to his side of the bed and after climbing into it he moved the pillow flat behind his head before settling down in the bed.
“Goodnight,” she whispered placing the glass on the side and reaching out she switched the light off before laying down in the bed.
Roman waited a heartbeat before he too switched his light of and the room was plunged into darkness.
“I love you,” she whispered after a few minutes.
“God,” Roman groaned before he turned in the bed and pulled her into his arms, “I love you,” he told her again.
She turned in his arms and pressed herself as close to him as possible feeling the unsteady beat of his heart underneath her hand as she closed her eyes and began slipping into the oblivion of a deep sleep. When she woke up she was alone.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 22

“Okay Roman, why are we here?”
“Yes Darl, at this godforsaken hour?” Irene muttered giving him a familiar glare.
Roman glanced at them before looking over at the diner door as Rachel strode in, also responding to his early morning summons. The diner wasn’t even open yet.
She sat down at the table with them and shot the others a look before turning to Roman watching as he poured her out a coffee, sliding the cup over to her and then presenting her with the small jug so she could add her own milk.
“Is this about Ella? Does she need to see me?” She asked quickly.
“What about Ella?” Leah shot out quickly a puzzled look on her face.
“Ella has had a few problems lately,” Roman began, feeling immediately guilty for telling them, “You know with the Gardy stuff and Sam’s kidnap. Well she needs a bit of help.”
“Sure Darl, anything she needs,” Irene said and the other two women nodded.
“She needs friends,” he stated quickly before he lost his nerve.
He had no idea if this idea would help her or not but her sad declaration last night that she had no friends ripped the heart out of him.
“So…” Rachel paused and gave him her assessing look, “something happened didn’t it?”
“We…” Roman rubbed at his face, “we had a fight, really bad fight.”
Rachel gave Irene and Leah a look before speaking, “Roman what kind of fight? Ella mentioned that you didn’t really have shouting matches.”
“Rarely ever shouted at each other actually,” he said with a shrug, “but it got considerably worse after Gardy. I felt that if I got mad at her I’d scare her in some way and now she’s almost,” he stopped and searched for the word to describe her, “timid.”
“I can’t imagine our Ella ever being timid,” Irene said immediately.
Leah sipped from her cup, “You’ve been seeing her Rachel?”
“I have,” she confirmed.
“Look, without going into further details, I need you three to stop being my friend and start being hers,” Roman told them quietly folding his arms across his chest and sitting back in his chair.
“I thought we were both of ya’s friends?”
Roman grinned at Irene, “I consider you all good friends but Ella needs them more.”
“So what do you suggest?” From Leah.
“I’ve got Meggy stashed with Nic, the twins are at nursery and Sam is,” he titled his head towards the kitchen area.
“Well there goes our health and safety record,” Leah muttered.
“I’m having him picked up soon by Belle,” he told her.
“Anyways, back to our Ella,” Irene redirected the conversation before Leah could make another comment.
“Yes, what do female friends do? Shop? Lunch? Talk shoes?”
“Something like that,” Rachel laughed.
“And talk about our useless men,” Leah told him a light in her velvet brown eyes.
“I was thinking you could go over with magazines and chocolates and stuff and just..” he shrugged.
“Nah, not our Ella’s style. We need margarita mix, crisps and dip, and …” Irene paused looking at the other two women, “poker.”
“Poker?” Roman gave them a look.
“Yeah, poker. Ella isn’t your regular girly chick, she needs something different.”
“I leave her in your capable hands ladies, just please be gentle.”
He stood from the table and left them to their planning knowing that he’d left Ella in good hands despite feeling nervous about what he’d just done. Heading into the kitchen he retrieved a sleeping Sam and gave his son a hug knowing that he really just wanted to hug Ella.

Ella woke slowly and blinked as she saw the time on her phone. It was late, she was surprised that she’d slept so long especially with the kids… wait, where were the kids? Racing out of bed she ran into the nursery and saw the empty beds and cot and her worst fears came to life. She collapsed in a heap her legs unable to keep her upright and she began to sob noisily. Her children, her babies were gone.
Crawling over to Sam’s cot she reached a hand through the bars to touch his blankets when she felt something touch her fingers. Clutching at it she pulled it towards her discovering that it was a note. Her eyes ran over the words but she couldn’t take anything in as the letters jumbled in front of her eyes. Blinking back fresh tears she forced herself to focus.
‘Taken the kids with me, twins at nursery, Meggy at Nic’s, Sam will be with Belle. Get some rest, please. Call me if you need anything. R xx’
She read it twice more before her eyes focused on the double ‘xx’ at the end of the note and she felt a strange unidentifiable emotion shudder through her. She was so confused.
Pulling herself together she staggered from the nursery and headed down the stairs and through to the kitchen. She saw that he’d left her some coffee and she poured herself a drink enjoying the caffeine hit. As she was still breastfeeding Sam she only had one cup a day not that she was going to be doing that much longer because he needed to start weaning on to solids.
She felt a tear trickle down her face at the thought of her baby growing up. She knew that it was just because he was her last baby, the last one that she’d carry inside of her and nurture. Feeling herself sinking into a depression she looked down at Roman’s note, having brought it with her from upstairs. Reading the words again and taking in those extra ‘xx’ at the end she found herself getting puzzled all over again. He said he wanted… what exactly? She wracked her brain for the answers but in the fog of misery she’d found herself in last night she hadn’t given him any attention. Frowning she made her way back up the stairs and after placing her cup to one side along with the note she opened up the wardrobe and reached for the storage box where she kept all the little notes and things that he left her. She told herself that everyone kept keepsakes but knew her hoarding was a little bit much having even kept the receipt from their first ever shopping trip together once she’d moved to the Bay amongst all the other things. Copies of menus, a napkin he’d doodled on, gift ribbon from a present he’d bought her along with gift tags and cards. Sitting on the bed she looked into the box and focused on all the good memories. Dinners out when they were first married, drinks with Miles, day trips out, Receipts from a hotel they’d stayed at when they’d dropped Mike back at his boarding school and didn’t want to come home straight away. She had a copy of the room service menu too.
All these important things mixed in with the everyday stuff. She should focus more on that and not dwell on the bad stuff all the time, on what could go wrong.
Which she knew was easier said than done.
Ella put the box away before taking out the one next to it, this had the things from her childhood that her father had got for her and she cautiously opened it up expecting a rush of memories.
She’d been inundated with thoughts of her mother recently, little comments she’d said and how she’d acted towards her mainly because she knew that deep down, no matter what happened, she needed to see her biological father.
Moving things aside in the box she pulled out the folded slip of paper that her dad, George, had written an address on. It was across country and he’d given her no guarantees that the man still lived there but she looked at it anyway before sliding it inside her bedside cabinet drawer. Not now but in a few months she was going to check it out.
Putting the box back in the wardrobe next to the other one she glanced down at her clothes, seeing how all the black ones were lined up because she wore them most. She pushed them along the rail and selected one of her summer dresses to put on, heading to her dresser to get out underwear to go with it before she padded barefoot into the en suite and began to run herself a bath.

The house was spotless but still Ella looked around for something to clean. The kids toys were packed away, the dining table gleamed from the polish she’d applied a couple of days previously, shelves dusted and everything was in its place. There was nothing she could distract herself with she thought with a sigh just as a knock sounded at the door.
Feeling a slight panic make her heart pound she nevertheless went to the door. Her hand only shook slightly as she opened it and peered through the gap.
“Leah, Irene?” she gasped out opening the door wider.
“Hello Darl,” Irene grinned at her as she stepped over the threshold and walked past her into the kitchen.
“Wh… what are you doing here?”
“Lunch,” Leah told her quietly, “and then we are going to sit down and have a long chat.”
Ella stepped back immediately placing her arms around her middle defensively.
“Yeah Darl, after some of you have been drinking this,” Irene placed the box she was carrying on the top and waved the bottle of tequila that had been inside it before placing it down, “I’m being the sensible one and having this,” she added placing a bottle of grape juice next to it.
Ella frowned in confusion, “What is all this?”
“I see you started without me,” Rachel called out joining Leah just inside the door.
“Why are you all here?”
“Because we’re having lunch,” Rachel said softly glancing at Leah and Irene in turn before she stepped forward and handed Ella a small envelope.
“I..” Ella shook her head before looking at what Rachel had placed in her hands. Roman’s handwriting on the envelope, “Just a minute,” she gasped out and uncaring of how rude she was being she darted up the stairs and into her bedroom. Where it was safe, her head mocked her.
Glaring at her reflection in the mirror for a minute she sighed and sank down on the bed and slowly opened the envelope unsurprised to see that her hands were shaking.
‘El, last night you claimed that you had no friends, well Irene, Leah and Rachel will beg to differ. They are your friends, probably more than mine right now considering the amount of grief they gave me for not letting them know you needed help. Not that I’ve told them anything apart from you needed ‘cheering up’, Rachel notwithstanding. Enjoy your lunch, children are all okay. R xx’.
She read it twice before lifting a still shaking hand and wiping at the tears that had fallen down her face.
“Knock knock,” Rachel called from just outside the bedroom door. “Can I come in?”
“Sure,” Ella shrugged and watched with weary eyes as the other woman stepped inside the bedroom.
“So what is wrong?”
“Oh you need a list,” she said scathingly discarding Roman’s letter to one side before looking over at Rachel. Of course the other woman looked amazing, her hair teased back off her face highlighting the fragile bone structure of her face. And of course she was wearing a red dress that skimmed her body along with black kitten heels. Roman had dated Rachel, she was one of the ex’s that she couldn’t escape from, Ella thought savagely before she sank back within herself. Negative thought patterns, she whispered silently to herself recognising the signs. Keep repeating them and nothing changes, nothing gets better. But it’s easier to give in to the depression, an insidious voice answered back. Don’t have to worry about anything, don’t have to do anything. Just let it all go.
“So are you going to come down?” Rachel asked cutting through the thoughts racing through her head.
Ella sighed before looking at the other woman and nodding. “Just need a minute,” she murmured.
“Okay, I’ll go down and..”
“Rachel?” Ella interrupted the other woman, “I want…”
“What?”
“I want…” she closed her eyes as she tried to marshal her thoughts.
“Ella?”
“I want Roman to divorce me,” she whispered.
“Of course you do,” Rachel gave a small laugh before she stepped over to Ella’s side and put her arms around her as she began to sob.
“He… needs…. “
“He needs you Ella, he needs you to be well and happy and he’ll do anything for you. Even let you divorce him if that is what you need. But it isn’t is it?”
Ella heard the words and felt them hitting her like blows. Last night he’d said that he didn’t want her. Hadn’t he? Oh god, she was so confused. “Why was he doing this?”
She was unaware she’d spoken out loud until she heard Rachel answering her. “He loves you Ella, and he’s listening to you. You needed friends so he’s drafted us in to help you.”
“Help? As in pity me? Oh great,” Ella groaned as she tried to pull herself together.
“Oh yeah, I mean you have a fantastic house, wonderful husband, beautiful and might I say well behaved kids, we have to find something wrong or we’d just kill you.”
Ella glared at her for a moment before the tears gave way to laughter. She gasped as she gave a snort thinking of Meggy and well behaved in the same sentence before realising that she had actually smiled at something. Like a normal person.
“I need to wash my face,” she announced slowly, “I’ll be down in a minute.”
Rachel nodded and stepped back the way she’d come leaving Ella looking down at the letter Roman had sent over. He was listening to her. Trying to do everything right. She had to take that as a good sign didn’t she?
Ignoring the creeping negative voices in her head she stepped quickly into the en suite and washed her face before applying a touch of make-up and pulling a brush through her hair. Feeling slightly better for it she gave herself another look in the mirror before heading down the stairs where the others were waiting for her.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 23

Roman looked at his phone again and sighed. The Ella of old would have texted him by now asking him what he thought he was playing at. This Ella didn’t. This Ella went out of her way to go unnoticed.
Hell, if he were honest he was as much to blame for that as her mother and Gardy. He’d spent an awful lot of time ignoring that she needed help, ignoring the signs that she was depressed because it was easier on him, it absolved him of the guilt he felt for not taking care of her better, for not stopping Sam’s kidnap, and finally for letting Gardy do what he did.
Sighing again he put his phone away and moved around the kitchen cleaning the tops down again and then working on preparing more food. The lunchtime rush was due to come in and he had to keep himself busy or he’d race home to check on her.

“What the hell is in this?” Leah muttered peering at the glass.
“Apparently it’s a tequila sunrise, only it hasn’t risen much,” Rachel too peered at the glasses of drink she’d prepared and then over at Ella.
“Maybe we should drink this one and try again?”
“Strewth, I can see I’m going to have fun driving you twos home later!” Irene grumbled good-naturedly.
Ella looked over at her having to double-check that she was joking and was suddenly reminded of how she felt at the snooty boarding schools her parents had sent her too. Knowing she didn’t fit in and that she sounded more British than Aussie it had always been a challenge for her to pick up on social cues. Maybe that was why she only had a few close friends, although she hadn’t really seen anyone since coming to the Bay, her photoshoots with Yannis had dropped off and the other man had since relocated to America. Then there was Harry and her friends at the market, her godfather she emailed but it didn’t make up for not visiting him. Sipping at the drink she realised she’d gone back into her own little world and could tell she’d missed something that had been said.
“Er, what?”
“I said we should call them Tequila sunsets,” Rachel commented.
“Or how about…” Ella paused wracking her brain for a moment, “Tequila mockingbird?”
“That’s a good one,” Leah grinned.
Irene frowned “I don’t get it?”
“To kill a mockingbird? The movie?” Rachel explained.
“It was a book first,” Ella put in quietly.
“Ah, well that does explain it,” Rachel said waving her hand to the bookshelves behind her. “Our Ella does like to read!”
“Nowt wrong with that, we all like different things.”
“I used to like cooking,” Leah pouted.
“And you don’t now?”
“Not now I have to compete with Roman. He’s like Mr Perfect.”
“Oh please you don’t live with him,” Ella muttered, “it’s no wonder I had a breakdown. Everything is flipping perfect with him.”
“Everything?” Irene asked quietly,”Even sex?” She added casting a sly look to Leah before giving Ella her full attention.
“Oh yes, that’s the only reason I stayed so long.”
“I’ll just tell him you said that and….”
“Can’t!” Ella gasped, “You’re my friends now and everything is in confidence.”
“That is true,” Leah said.
“Which bit, the confidence bit or that my husband is good in bed?”
“Better work on the next cocktail,” Rachel said hastily.
“Pretty much both,” Leah said, “But you do know that nothing is ever going to happen again don’t you El? We weren’t romantically involved it was just a mutual…”
“Leah!” Irene gasped, no doubt shocked at the way the conversation was going, Ella thought.
“You nearly kissed,” Ella said quietly.
“Not on my part. Roman was stressed, he needed his wife but she was hurting.”
“Wrap it up in pretty bows still …” Ella stopped talking and looked at her glass. After a moment she drained it and held the empty glass out to Rachel. “Since my ‘husband’ has kidnapped my children he’ll have to cope without me breastfeeding Sam for a night.”
“El?” Leah said quietly once Irene and Rachel had moved through to the kitchen, Rachel mixing the next cocktail and Irene seeing to the food.
“I shouldn’t have brought it up Leah, I’m sorry. It’s just that everything keeps going through my head over and over again and I can’t seem to stop it. I can’t make love to my husband because I freeze up. I can’t…” she stopped and her eyes focused on the view out of the patio doors at the end of them room, “I can’t go outside without panicking.”
“What do you need to do to get better?”
Leah’s calm voice, her acceptance of the situation without judging her brought fresh tears to Ella’s eyes and she blinked them back.
“Here we are, this is a margarita.”
Ella accepted the drink from Rachel and took a sip before grimacing.
“Please stick to medicine,” she gasped out, “because I don’t think your career as a bar tender is going to work out.”
With that she moved into the kitchen and after a glance at the bottles laying out she headed over to her own booze cupboard and took out a few more. Within moments she had fresh glasses filled with a pink looking drink.
“What are they darl?”
“These are ‘pink panthers’,” Ella murmured.
Leah and Rachel accepted the new drink and after taking cautious sips nodded approval.
“It’s so…” Rachel murmured.
“Lush?”
“Yeah,” she added in response to Leah.
Ella spun around and delved into Roman’s cooking cupboard before coming out with a small bottle of almond syrup. She mixed it with pineapple juice and grenadine before pouring over crushed ice in a fresh glass. Taking a teaspoon she tried a sip before presented the glass to Irene.
“I can’t…”
“It’s non-alcoholic,” Ella said softly as she reclaimed her glass and moved into the lounge. “So what were we talking about?”
“You and Roman,” Rachel said slowly and carefully.
“Nothing to talk about,” Ella muttered aware she was sounding defensive again. “Maybe you should ask Irene about my Dad?”
“What? No, er…” Irene stuttered as all eyes turned to her.
“Got to be a story there, I don’t think I’ve seen her blush that much for about ten years,” Leah commented.
“Get away wi’ ya’s!” Irene grumbled.
“So Ella, what embarrassing thing can we ask you now?”
“Me, nothing!”
“She answered that too quickly,” Leah pointed out.
“No honestly,” Ella flushed looking over at the other women.
“Come on, Roman has to have some bad habits we can tease him about,” Irene said quickly.
“He has a lot of bad habits,” Ella blurted before she could stop herself.
“Spill ‘em darl.”
“He’s finicky about cleaning,” she began before peering at her glass. It felt good in one way to let go and not focus on all the bad stuff for a change even though the darkness was still threatening to overwhelm her.
“Yeah we know that one don’t we Leah?”
“Not half,” the two women said with feeling, “and to think when I first met him he was living in a beat up panel van.”
“He hates being late,” Ella murmured, “and he honestly thinks that with a teenager and four kids we’ll ever manage to get out of the house on time ever again!”
“Miracles sometimes do happen,” Rachel commented.
All four women looked at each other and laughed.
“So what else?” Leah asked when they’d stopped laughing.
“He snores.”
“Come on that isn’t really a fault though is it?”
Ella shook her head, “I’ve told you his faults.”
“I have one,” Rachel began.
“Oh?” Ella found herself glaring at the other woman as her jealousy rose to the surface before she got it under control.
“He’s never confronted his past,” Rachel spoke softly but again all four of them nodded agreement.
“He won’t,” Ella said quietly, “he can’t.”
“But he expects you too?” The question came from Leah. “We were there when you started telling us about your mother, before you had the twins.”
“She used to hit me. She hated me. I was never enough, never good enough, never…” Ella drained her drink and placed the empty glass on the coffee table suddenly afraid to look at the others.
“Some women don’t deserve to be parents,” Leah said before her eyes flew to Irene and she gasped.
“I was an alcoholic, I was a terrible mother.”
“Irene?”
“Yeah darl, I was awful. They were taken off me. Which was right enough because I didn’t deserve them,” Irene said, her lips twisting into a half grimace before continuing, “Best thing to happen because it made me get sober and get my kids back. Finlay, Damian, and then I fostered Serena, Gypsy and our Belle, Annie and Geoff. I owed them you know, the kids who needed someone to look after them because I had to make amends.”
“I wished for a long time that my Mum could have just acknowledged me as a person but ….”
“Wished? Past tense?” Rachel asked her.
“I can’t be responsible for my mother,” Ella said slowly realising that it was true. She felt some lifting of the weight on her shoulders and released her breath slowly.
“No you can’t.”
“Pah, at least you didn’t have a Greek mother,” Leah butted in.
“You can’t say that… Strewth!”
“No Irene she’s right. A Greek mother would have scared me for life,” Ella said slowly.
Leah grinned at her before placing her arm around Ella’s shoulders and hugging her as the two women laughed before Ella began to cry. She felt these were different tears, more of a cleansing than just crying because she was sad. The secret was out, she didn’t have to hide it anymore and that felt good too. Maybe another voice whispered inside her head, maybe she could get better after all.

Irene guided Rachel and Leah into the diner and helped them into seats. She gave them another look as they giggled at her before stepping into the kitchen to make some strong coffees.
“What did you do?” Roman asked looking around.
“Do?”
“Irene don’t make me beg,”
“We didn’t get as far as the poker game,” Irene said slowly her eyes flicking to the table where she had sat the other two women.
Roman followed the movement of her gaze and looked over at them before he stepped out of the kitchen and walked over to the table.
“Rachel, Leah,” he greeted.
“It’s Mr Clean!” Leah said in a loud whisper before she lifted her finger to her mouth and made a shush motion, exhaling noisily.
“Are you drunk?”
“They are a bit, just going to drink these coffees aren’t you girls,” Irene had joined them.
“Is my wife drunk?” Roman bit out.
“Your wife knows more swearwords than she lets on,” Rachel said shaking her head “and look,” she held up her hands and waved them at him.
It took a moment for him to notice that Rachel’s nails were painted with different colours and now that he had he also noticed a purple streak in Leah’s hair.
“Yes darl, Ella gave us makeovers,” Irene said holding up her own hand so he could see her nails too.
“I don’t believe this,” Roman ground out looking at them, “I trusted you to..”
“I don’t feel so well,” Leah groaned before she stood up and bolted to the ladies room at the back of the restaurant.
Roman shook his head before he pulled off his apron.
“She’s okay,” Irene said to him.
“She’s drunk Irene and I’ve no idea how it’s going to affect her…”
“Considering that she don’t suffer hangovers apparently I would imagine not as much as these two in the morning, supposing I get them home. But you get off Darl, I can tell you are worried but she was fine otherwise I would have called you.”
Roman grimaced, at himself this time because he knew it was true, Irene wouldn’t let anything happen to Ella. Pulling himself together he grabbed his stuff before making the trip to collect the kids from Nic’s and Belle’s places respectively, smiling as Belle reluctantly handed over Sam which was totally different to Nic’s practically shoving Meggy in his direction before ushering the twins out.
Pulling up in the driveway he helped the children out and cautiously approached the house.
“Mama,” Meggy called out running ahead of the others.
“Meggy,” he called trying to slow her down in vain.
Getting to the door himself he opened it and stepped inside making sure they were in too before closing it and then guiding them over to the sofa. He immediately spotted Ella curled up on one of the sofas, a cover over her as she slept.
“Mama naps?” Sophie said in a loud whisper.
Roman grinned at his wise daughter knowing that it was dangerous to wake a sleeping Ella.
“Mama naps, babies nap?” he asked them.
Sophie looked at the others before she climbed up on the other sofa and reached for the throw. Georgie looked at the tv longingly before he joined his twin leaving Meggy standing there before she finally gave in and got up too. Roman reached over and lifted Sam out of his capsule and placed him in the bassinet that was next to where Ella was sleeping. He heard her give a small sigh as if she sensed that her kids were back home but put that down to his imagination before he moved over to check on the others.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 24

Ella woke slowly when the sound of clinking bottles reached her. She put aside the covers and eased off the sofa smiling as she saw her babies asleep on the other sofa, Roman obviously leaving them there so she’d see them when she woke up. She saw Georgie open one eye and peer at her before he gave a sly little grin and point to the TV.
“Okay Mister Man,” she whispered to him and reaching for the remote she put his favourite cartoons, turning the volume on low before watching as he carefully slid off the sofa so he didn’t wake his sisters and headed over to sit closer to the TV.
Bending down she kissed the top of his head and then walked into the kitchen. Roman was at the sink washing up the glasses they’d used earlier and he gave her a hesitant smile.
“Hey,” he said slowly.
“Hey yourself,” Ella responded walking up to him to stand behind him. She wrapped her arms around his waist and pressed herself close to him, her cheek resting against his shoulder blades. “Thank you,” she murmured and felt him release a big breathe as though he’d been tensed ready for another fight. Once more she was struck by how much this was affecting him and sighed herself before she shook her head. She was not going to get into that negative mindset.
“Did you have a good time?”
“It was great, we need to buy alcohol.”
“I noticed that you seemed to empty the cupboard, I’ve made coffee if you want one?”
Ella smiled again and then smiled a second time because she was smiling, “How did you know?” She asked him before easing away slowly. She stroked her hand down his back before moving to the other side of the kitchen and on noticing that his cup was empty she topped that up first before pouring out a large cup for herself. She added syrup to it and then reached into the fridge for the can of squirty cream that was stashed in there.
“Ella Harris,” he muttered when he noticed what she was doing.
“shush!”
She put a very generous dollop of cream into her cup, even overfilling it so that she had to lick the excess off the side of the cup.
“I can’t believe…” he shook his head.
“I’m drunk I’m allowed to…” she glared at him before flushing at the look in his eyes. She knew that he was remembering the last time they had a can of this cream and it ended up in the bedroom.
Roman held up both of his hands in surrender, “So not going to argue!”
“Ha!”
Picking up the can she waved it in front of him before spraying cream on to the end of his nose.
“Ella Harris!” Roman groaned lifting his finger and wiping off the cream before he laughed.
“We’re going to do it again in a couple of weeks, maybe not the drinking bit because that isn’t really fair on Irene but…”
“Hey, I think it’s a great idea and I’m glad you had a good time,” he said softly before moving over to her and kissing her.
She felt his hot breath tickle her lips before she felt the warmth of them as they touched hers, gently at first and then when she responded to him, to his strength, his touch, his smell, and his taste, with more passion. She felt his answering passion and revelled in the fact he wanted her. With the lingering effects of alcohol in her system she let her inner yearnings loose pressing herself close to him and letting her hands slide around his waist. Deep inside she felt the flare of passion ignite and she wanted more, wanted everything.
His hand cradled her head as he kissed her and she leaned into it enjoying his touch. She remembered the first time they ever kissed and how she felt the flicker of hot flames inside of her. Not actual flames, although she did feel that she could ignite at his touch, both then and now, now when he was kissing her with all the pent up passion inside of him and she was responding in a way she hadn’t in a long time.
“Mama!” Meggy called running into the kitchen.
Ella hastily pulled away from Roman and shared a rueful smile with him before looking over at her daughter.
“Did you have a good naps my girl?” She asked her before moving to her side and sweeping her up into her arms.
“Mama we’s hungry!”
“Mama knows that feeling,” Ella said quietly before, “Did Dada not feed you?”
“I knew it would be my fault!” he grouched, “Ok what do we want to eat?”
“I want…” Ella paused as his eyes met hers and she gasped at the look in them, there were quite a few things she wanted right then and it didn’t involve food. She hastily put those thoughts to the back of her head and looked at her daughter. “mash and vegetable fingers with… gravy?”
Meggy nodded at them even though her two-year-old comprehension didn’t quite catch all the undercurrents between her parents, although that was what Ella hoped. She kissed her daughter’s cheek and caught hold of her hand.
“I can do that,” he said quietly leaning over and kissing her cheek before watching as she walked into the lounge with Meggy and she may have just wiggled her behind a bit more because he was looking.
“Mama …” Meggy called.
“Shush Megs, Sophie is still napping!”
Ella eased down next to the toy box and slowly lowered Meggy to the floor. She grinned as her daughter immediately reached in the box and began pulling out toys scattering them on the floor around herself before she got the jigsaw puzzles out. She handed the box to Ella and grinned at her tilting her head to one side.
“Oh do you want me to help you with this?”
Meggy nodded before she spoke adopting her usual lisp, “Pleassse.”
“Okay then,” Ella said to her daughter smiling at her as she took out the pieces of the jigsaw and sat down on the floor, Meggy choosing to sit between her legs as they sorted out the pieces and began to put them together. She didn’t see Roman looking over at her and smiling.

Later when he'd finally got Sam down again, the boy fussing because it wasn't Ella wasn't cuddling him to sleep before he walked into their bedroom.

“Hey,” he said moving to his side of the bed and sitting on it.
“Hey back,” she murmured.
He looked over at her meeting her eyes and smiling as she blushed, there was no way in hell he was going to forget the hot kiss of earlier that if Meggy hadn’t interrupted may have ended up being more than a kiss, that and the way they’d touched hands or she’d stroked down his back.
“All kids asleep,” he murmured, “I’m going to grab a shower.”
Ella nodded and bit her bottom lip as she looked at him and Roman felt his blood pressure rising at the sight of her sitting there in bed, a lilac nightdress on with one of the straps falling down her shoulder, her hair in a dark halo around her face. There was a touch of blonde to it from her few times in the garden; the sun lightened her hair every year giving it that caramel colour that he adored. She was so beautiful and she had no idea just how much.
“Okay, er.. yeah,” she whispered.
He leaned over and kissed her taking hold of one of her hands too.
“You should tuck yourself down and get some sleep,” he told her.
“You don’t want to…” she rolled her eyes and blushed some more.
“Oh I want too but I’m going to wait, because I told you I would.”
He stood and eased away from the bed and after placing the contents of his pockets on his dresser he walked into the en suite and switched on the shower as he took his clothes off. He climbed under the hot water and let it flow over him before gasping as the shower door opened and Ella stepped inside it.
“I don’t want to wait,” she told him.
“I love you but no,” he said.
“I’m…”
Roman caught hold of her hands and placed them flat on his chest, just this touch was enough to cause a reaction in him and he bit back a curse before lowering his head to hers.
“I love you,” he told her again, “I really love you but not tonight, not after you’ve been drinking and you’ve got a lot going on. I want to wait Ella, I want us to have candles and romance and be comfortable with each other because you need that, I do get that, I really do.”
“Oh,” she gasped and looked up at him with that frightened sad look before she shook her head and leaning up on tip toes she kissed him.
“Don’t keep tempting me,” he gasped against her lips.
“Can I?” She looked at him from under her lashes.
“You know you can,” he smiled before holding her close to him feeling the softness of her skin against his.
“I’m not so sure I think I might have to keep practising.”
Roman groaned before he kissed her again. He felt her hands moving on his skin and couldn’t stop the sigh that eased past his lips when she encircled his waist and pressed her naked and wet body against him.
“Yeah, you don’t need to practise,” he groaned some time later.
“Feeling like changing your mind now?”
“Honey, after those kisses and your wandering hands I’m not capable of rational thought,” he said leaning forward and kissing the end of her nose.
“I’ll leave you to finish off….” She cast him a look from under her lashes, “your shower,” she added in a breathy voice that made his toes curl.
He was forced to watch her as she stepped daintily out of the shower and wrapped a towel around her body before looking down and grimacing ruefully.
“I don’t suppose there is any chance you are going to behave?” he spoke to a part of his anatomy before reaching for the dial and turning the temperature of the shower down. The cold water cascaded over his body and he shivered before switching it off and stepping out himself. Walking the way she’d gone he grabbed his pyjamas and tugged them on before getting into bed with her. She was already tucked underneath the covers her nightdress back in place and he moved until he was close to her.
“You’re cold,” she whispered sleepily.
“Yeah, I just had to have a cold shower,” he grouched before nuzzling the back of her neck.
He heard her soft laughter before tucking her into his arms and holding her gently.
“I want to take the kids to the beach tomorrow; can you take the twins to nursery?”
Roman found himself with a lump in his throat at her soft words. She wanted to go outside, not as part of her therapy but as a treat for their children and he sucked in a breath hoping that his voice would sound normal, “Okay, do you want me to fetch you after I pick them up?”
“Yeah, and we need to plan something for Mike for the weekend. Maybe have Nic over? I don’t know.”
He nodded because he couldn’t speak then and found himself blinking back tears.
“I’m sure he’d like that,” he said after a while.
“Yeah,” she said again before yawning.
He waited to see if she was going to say anything more before his own eyes began drifting shut and he fell into a deep sleep with his wife wrapped in his arms.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 25

Ella guided the children inside knowing that Roman was following her carrying Sam. They’d been down the beach, her toddlers enjoying the chance to run around and paddle in the sea. On her part she hadn’t totally hated being outside with them but she knew that Roman was stressed. He’d been so focused on her reaction and checking that the children were safe that he’d given himself a headache, not to mention he’d forgotten to put on his own sunscreen and managed to get sunburn on his shoulders.
“Come on babes, we need to have bu bu’s,” she called softly guiding the children up the stairs and over to the bathroom.
“Mama,” Meggy lisped looking up at her.
Roman stepped in the bathroom behind her and watched as she guided the children into the big tub. He knelt down beside her and they played with the squirming laughing children.
“Have you had a good day?” She asked him slowly.
“I have,” Roman smiled over at her, the corners of his eyes crinkling up as he did so. She loved that about him and without thinking she leaned over and kissed him. He reached for her kissing her back and they only broke apart when Georgie splashed them.
“I think our boy is a little jealous,” she smiled at him.
“Dada,” Georgie called out.
“Come on my boy; let’s get you out and in pj’s.”
Roman lifted out his son just as Ella got out Sophie. Both children quickly wrapped in towels before Meggy was also lifted out and wrapped up in her towel. The children were then ushered into the nursery and dressed in respective night clothes before guided down the stairs by Roman leaving her with Sam. He was still asleep, worn out by his moments on the beach when he’d been allowed to come out of his capsule and lay on the beach towels with them under the shade of a large beach umbrella of course. He’d swung his feet and legs and rolled himself over for the first time, lifting his head up and laughing at them as they clapped their hands at his achievement. Roman had guessed of course that seeing this had also made her a little sad. Sam was growing by the day and soon he wouldn’t be their baby he’d be their little boy. She sniffed now just thinking of it but knew that she couldn’t risk having another baby. She’d been so ill with Sam that every moment she thought she was going to lose him. Being confined to bed rest for a major part of the pregnancy too had made it seem the longest pregnancy in history.
No, she didn’t want to repeat that any time soon but as she looked at Sam, seeing the spread of freckles on his cute button nose and the way he pursed his lips she knew that a part of her heart was breaking with that choice. But the whole point of babies, she told herself quickly was that you watched them grow and celebrated their achievements.
Ella slipped out of the nursery and left her son sleeping before heading down the stairs and over to where Roman had placed snacks and drinks on the coffee table for her other babies.
“Mama,” Meggy called out spotting her first.
“Hello babes, have we had a good day?”
Meggy nodded before offering her a toothy grin.
“Cookie?” She pointed to the plate on the table and Ella handed her daughter another cookie before easing away and moving into the kitchen to where Roman was. She saw his sunburned shoulders and grimaced.
“What?” he asked catching sight of her expression.
“Go and get a shower. There’s aftersun shower gel in the cupboard in the en suite,” she instructed him.
“In a minute, just want to finish this,” he claimed.
“No Roman, go and get a shower,” she muttered giving him a worried frown.
He gave her a look before catching sight of where her glance was going. “Oh,” he said softly.
“Please,” she added quickly.
“Okay,” he murmured easing back from making the sandwiches. He placed a swift kiss to her lips and walked out of the room and up the stairs.
She watched him go before washing her hands and finishing the sandwiches. Within moments she’d made the children their dinner and then also made a salad for herself and something for Roman. As she took the food into the next room Georgie was the first to spot her putting the plates on the table. He gave her his adorable grin as he ran over to her.
“Hungry Mister man?”
“Yes Mama,” he rubbed his belly and gave her a look.
She took pity on her son and lifted him up first to put him in his highchair. Handing over his food he grabbed at his sandwich, cut into an animal shape before picking up a cube of cheese and stuffing that in his mouth.
“Steady,” she cautioned before sorting out Meggy and Sophie. Her girls were much more ladylike as they ate which considering how Meggy refused to wear dresses or even act like a girl was strange. Maybe she was picking up some good habits from her sister, Ella mused before laughing as Meggy burped loudly.
“ha ha,” Georgie grinned as Sophie shook her head at her sister.
“Hey,” Roman called from the doorway before he stepped into the room. He was carrying his top in his hand and she smiled at him.
“I’ll get the sun cream.”
“Thanks,” he grimaced.
“And next time put some stuff on!”
“Uh huh,” he caught Sophie giving him a look as he sat down cautiously on a chair, “Your daughter is nagging me too,” he called out.
Ella stepped back through the archway and looked over at Sophie before grinning.
“I didn’t hear her speak,” she murmured.
“She didn’t need to speak she just gave me one of your looks,” he said with a straight face. Ella groaned before poking him in the ribs. “Hey!” he cried out.
She gave him a saccharine smile before taking the aftersun and rubbing it into his shoulders and down his back making sure that his skin was covered.
“You’ve got some bad sunburn on your shoulders,” she told him biting on her bottom lip.
“Not the first time,” he winced.
Ella continued to look at him before heading into the kitchen and washing her hands. She dried them on a towel and moved over to sit next to him.
“Hey,” he murmured, catching hold of her hand. “I’ll be okay,” he added.
“I know but still…”
He gave her one of his rueful smiles and she leaned over and kissed him.
“I should have been more careful.”
“You shouldn’t have had to worry about me and the kids,” Ella pointed out before looking over at her three darlings. Georgie had demolished his dinner and Sophie was carefully eating around the lettuce on her sandwich. Meggy was the messy one, managing to get tomato juice spilled down her top.
“I would worry about you even if you weren’t struggling,” Roman pointed out after a while, “I kinda think it’s my job.”
Ella sighed before looking over at him.
“Uh huh Mister, don’t give me your soft soap!”
Meggy looked from one to the other before she giggled at them.
“Meggy,” Sophie muttered frowning.
“Eat your dinner babes,” Ella said quickly. She caught Roman looking at her and leaned over to kiss him. “And you eat yours,” she instructed him.
He grinned back at her before taking a bite of his sandwich.

The following day she despatched the twins and a for once subdued Meggy with Roman for him to drop off at nursery before she headed back up the stairs and after changing and collecting Sam she went back down the stairs and out to her car. It took a couple of minutes of acclimatising herself to being behind the wheel having not driven for months, even her hand shook as she put the key in the ignition and turned the engine over.
She headed out of the drive and drove along the lanes and roads that would take her around the house as she got familiar with the car and being out in it. She knew that Roman would be panicking if she’d told him what she was planning which was why she kept it from him. His shoulders were still sore from his sunburn and she felt renewed pangs of guilt because of the way he’d worried over her.
Yeah, that was totally the reason for keeping this secret, she thought glancing over at Sam who seemed to be focused on the scenery. She smiled at her son and then reaching the end of the road she indicated and headed for Yabbie Creek. She was going to do some shopping.

Roman clock watched as he worked through his shift. Something wasn’t quite right and he couldn’t put his finger on it. He knew that it had something to do with the way that Ella had asked him to take Meggy to nursery with the others. Perhaps she was doing one of her marathon cleaning sessions which were scary in themselves. He’d never tell her that sometimes he’d walk in and miss the way she’d left wet towels on the floor. He had to admit that he liked the house clean and tidy, everything put away but sometimes he felt that it wasn’t Ella.
When he first married her the wet towels thing had driven him insane. They hadn’t had a dishwasher at the first house and she’d often leave her pots all over the top. That too made him crazy until she’d moved out with the twins after finding out she was pregnant with Meggy and suddenly all the little bad habits that she had weren’t annoying as much as they were part of her. The towels, the dirty pots, the way she’d go through her clothes and leave them scattered everywhere was suddenly missed. It made him realise that she wasn’t a messy person she was just easily distracted.
When he’d finally moved in with her and there were three children needing attention that was when she really began to change. The clothes for a start, gone were the cute stuff that Nic begged to borrow and in their place was the vest tops and jeans with the occasional gypsy skirts she liked to wear. Then with her depression after Sam was born the black stuff came out. He should have noticed that at least but like a typical short sighted husband he’d just assumed that it was easier for her to dress when she had four small children.
But he was paying attention now and she was never going to be this bad again, he was going to take care of her.

Ella calmed herself down for like the hundredth time. She was safe, Sam was with her. Roman had the other children. Nothing was going to happen. She looked down at the trolley in front of her and sighed. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea but she’d started now so she couldn’t really back out and abandon a half filled trolley.
Moving along the aisle she picked up the pasta that Roman preferred to use. It was of course the most expensive kind and she grinned at her finicky husband.
“Mmmma…” Sam gurgled up at her.
“You trying to talk my boy,” she murmured back to him, “I was just laughing at your Dada,” she explained.
“Mmmma…” he said again waving his fists at her.
She smiled once more and pushed the trolley along adding more stuff to the growing pile. This weekend she was going to invite Nic and Aden over, with their kids for a party just like before Sam was born and she wanted to do something for Mike. Having Brett around would be company for him. Her son was wonderful and never complained about hanging around with his younger siblings but she wanted him to have some fun especially as she knew he missed Ollie, the other boy moving away with his mother after Miles and Kirsty split up.
Thinking about Miles she wondered if he was doing anything on the Saturday. He was part of their family too. Looking down at her trolley she moved along the aisle that housed the cakes and biscuits, adding extra to the load.
The shopping done she headed back to the car and placed Sam in first, settling him down before loading up the car and thanked her stars that she’d chosen to park just next to the trolley return bay so that she didn’t have to panic over Sam.
A glance at her watch told her that she’d been out longer than planned, certainly longer than she’d expected and without too many panic attacks. Still it was best not to rush things she thought as she headed towards home.

Roman stepped into the house, surprised at the quiet. He placed the bunch of flowers he’d bought for her on the draining board before checking the rest of the house, Georgie, Meggy and Sophie were being distracted by the cartoons he’d put on the tv. He felt the lurch of panic swimming in his system at finding the house empty and groaned even as he pulled out his phone and dialled. Running back down the stairs he checked on the children before heading outside and kicking himself for not noticing that her car was missing.
“Pick up,” he muttered to his phone as he heard hers ringing.
He cursed as it went through to voicemail and wondered if he should ring round and see if anyone had heard from her. Swallowing back the fear that was inside him he headed back into the house and focused on the children. They were hungry after coming back from nursery and he needed to feed them. If he distracted himself long enough he wouldn’t go quietly crazy wondering where his wife was.

Ella caught sight of her phone and the missed call from Roman as she pulled up in the drive and parked next to his car. He’d obviously got home before her and if Sam wasn’t in the car she would have sworn. Climbing out of her car she collected her son and moved inside quickly.
“Where the hell have you been?” Roman shot out seeing her walk through the door.
“I went out,” she replied calmly.
“I gathered that,” his tone still angry.
She gave him a hesitant smile. “I didn’t know if I could do it. So that’s why I didn’t tell you.”
“Oh that’s totally okay then,” he muttered moving over to her. “What the hell would have happened if you’d had a panic attack? I couldn’t have…”
He stopped when she placed her hand on his chest and leaned up to kiss him.
“I didn’t tell you because I have to do some things alone. I drove round the back roads for a bit to get used to driving again and just make sure that I was okay and then I went shopping. Just like we did the other night.”
He stepped back and shook his head before spinning around and striding into the kitchen.
“Roman,” she called, “I’ve got shopping in the car.”
“Then go fetch it!” he shot back slamming around in the kitchen.
Ella gave a small smile before heading into the lounge where the other children were. She chuckled as they gave her subdued looks, not used to hearing their parents fight.
“Hey babies,” she called out moving Sam over to the playpen and putting him inside. He immediately rolled over and reached for one of his toys.
“Mama you’s not here,” Georgie muttered.
“I know, I took Sam for a drive!” she told him and reached over to her children giving them each kisses and cuddles before stretching up and easing the tension in her back. “Isn’t it time that you had naps?”
“No’s!” Meggy shouted out.
“Shush Megs,” Ella murmured slowly, “I think we’s a little tired aren’t we? Did we have a good time in nursery?”
“Meggy bad,” Sophie murmured going over to the long sofa and grabbing the throw, tugging it towards her.
“Oh dear Meggy what did you do?”
“not ing,”
“Uh huh Missy!”
Ella pressed another kiss to her daughter before she moved away and headed out to her car. She found that Georgie had followed her and she gave him something to carry as she moved back inside with a bag of shopping. More trips followed and each time Georgie insisted on helping.
“So what are you planning?” Roman eventually asked as he began to put away the things she’d bought.
“I’d tell you but you haven’t calmed down yet,” she murmured, “Georgie, stay and help Dada,” she instructed heading back to the car for the final load.
“Ella Harris,” Roman muttered when she placed the final bags on the top, “Either tell me or consider yourself heading for the divorce courts!”
She gave him a smile before walking over to him, aware that her hips were swaying just a bit more than normal.
“I want us to have a party this weekend, only not a party just a bbq with everyone,” she bit her lip and gave him a look from under her lashes.
“And you thought I would object?”
“No,” she quickly moved to stroke down his arms noticing again just how strong he was. She felt the tingles of arousal flutter into life inside her and gave him a slow smile. “I wanted to do something rather than leave it to you. You’ve had to do everything for the past few months.”
“Oh, that’s okay then,” he muttered turning away and putting the last of the groceries away.
“Roman?”
“I’m still mad at you so stop flirting with me,” he told her not bothering to turn around.
“Uh huh,” she said softly reaching out and stroking down his back.
“Yeah you can quit that too,” he added.
“Fine!”
Taking hold of Georgie’s hand she guided her son over to the sofas in the other room and lifted him up next to Sophie. Meggy had disappeared though and she hastily looked around for her before seeing Sophie pointing behind the sofa.
“Come on, time for naps? Who wants to cuddle with mama?” Ella called out before hearing muttering from the area Sophie had pointed to before Meggy emerged from her hiding place and ran over to her.
“Me’s” she cried out.
Ella nodded and lifted her up on her lap and hugging her. She’d have to find out just how ‘bad’ she’d been she thought as she yawned and snuggled down with her kids. Falling into an exhausted sleep she didn’t notice Roman checking on them before he too moved over to them and sat next to her even though she turned to him in her sleep and snuggled.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 26

Roman moved inside the house. He was tired and feeling cranky after a trying shift at the diner. He heard music playing and gave a half smile as he recognised one of Ella’s favourite songs. Walking through to the lounge he saw the children playing, with Sam sitting up in the playpen with one of his toys. He grinned at that feeling some of his crankiness melting away before walking towards the kitchen and stood for a second watching as Ella danced along to her song. Her hips were swaying and her feet moving in time to the beat as she moved around the kitchen as she cooked their dinner.
“Oh!” She gasped out when she finally saw him.
“Don’t stop,” he murmured leaning back against the archway and folding his arms across his chest. “I was enjoying that!”
Ella flushed at his appraising look and that made him grin again.
“I er… “ she blushed even redder.
Roman smirked before he stepped forward and over to her side, he took her into his arms and danced with her. A salsa track came on next and he moved closer to her, his hips against hers, his legs moving in sync with hers. As he inhaled her perfume and felt her moving against him he felt his body reacting to her closeness and the sexy way her hips were grinding on to him and he sighed. She must have guessed what he was thinking because she reached up and kissed him, her lips pressing against his.
“El,” he whispered back at her as he felt her arms wrapping around his neck.
The kiss deepened and only the presence of the children in the room next to them stopped him from lifting her up on to kitchen top and seeing just how far she wanted to go.
Easing away from her he gave her a smirk.
“So going to play that song later,” he promised before moving out of the room and disappearing up the stairs.

Ella groaned before turning back to what she was doing before Roman began seducing her. She was fully blaming him, although she had rubbed herself against him as they were dancing and she was the one who had instigated the kiss. She felt the heavy throb of arousal flooding through her system and gave a slow smile before gasping as the pot of potatoes on the hob began to boil over.
“Dammit!” she muttered loud enough that the kids were bound to hear, “I mean shucks, yes shucks that is what I meant!” she added quickly racing over and dealing with the spillage. She prodded the potatoes with a fork checking to make sure they were done before draining them off and putting them in a big bowl to mash. She added butter and milk to them and began mashing them.
“Mama dins?” Georgie called out running into the kitchen.
“Soon Mister Man,” Ella said distractedly as she crushed up the potatoes into a smooth mash. Sprinkling them with the cheese she’d grated earlier she stirred it in and then looked over at the carrots she had cooking. A glance told her that they weren’t cooked and she placed a cover over the mash to keep it warm whilst she finished off the dinner.
“Mama!”
“Soon babes its coming see?”
“Mama!” Georgie called loudly.
Ella turned to her son and looked at him. Someone, and she didn’t have to guess who, had painted his face with her lipstick.
“Oh babes,” she murmured trying not to smile at him.
“Meggy,” Georgie began and pointed to the lounge.
“Oh dear,” She murmured and reluctantly went into the living room. As expected Meggy had hold of her red lipstick in her chubby hand and had evidently decided to redecorate the entire lounge with it, from the cream cushions on the long sofa to the curtains at the window and on the tv screen, which had an artistic depiction of her rag doll on it. The only saving grace was that Roman wasn’t there to witness Sophie looking at her sister with her arms folded and tapping one foot.
“Ok that is enough!” Ella said her voice strident enough to make Meggy drop the lipstick and try to look innocent as she pointed at her sister.
“Sophie Mama!”
“Sophie was it?” Meggy nodded at her even as Sophie scowled and glared back at her sister. “Well then Miss Sophie you better come with me so you can have a cuddle,” Ella said slowly.
“Nos!” Meggy shouted out disturbing Sam in the playpen.
“Shush!” Ella moved over to the wall unit and turned down the stereo before bending down to give Sam a cuddle. She pressed quick kisses to his face before returning him to his playpen and giving him back his toy and then turned round and looked at her daughter.
“What’s going on?” Roman asked from the doorway obviously surveying the carnage.
“Meggy has been in my handbag,” Ella murmured.
“Are you sure because it actually looks like she killed someone,” he commented.
Ella frowned at him before she smelt the stringent smell of something burning and gasped as she ran into the kitchen. Pulling the pan off the heat she swore as she burnt her hand.
“El?”
“Deal with Meggy,” she muttered as she ran cold water over her hand.
He was about to speak when Georgie grabbed hold of his shorts and tugged on them.
“Meggy got you too huh?” he asked picking up his son and walking through to the laundry room. He collected one of the washcloths they kept in there and used it to clean his son’s face, wiping off the stain of the red lipstick and lowering him back to the floor so he could go play. He picked out the spray cleaner then and grabbed a new cloth and walking with Georgie back into the lounge he began to repair the damage that Meggy had wrought.
Ella looked at dinner before sighing. The carrots were burnt leaving just the mash and sausages. She frowned as she thought about the nap she’d forsaken to peel them. Muttering under her breath she moved over to the fridge and looked through it Maybe she could find something else to cook.
“I got most of it off the sofa and the wall and well the TV too.”
“Thanks,” she muttered distractedly.
“Let’s have a look at your hand,” Roman asked stepping towards her.
“Oh it’s fine,” she waved it in his general direction before stopping as he caught hold of her wrist and looked at the small patch of red on her hand. “You’ve had a shower,” she commented catching the scent of his shower gel.
“Yes, a cold one,” he said quietly chuckling at her as she blushed at him.
Roman then lifted her hand and blew softly on the burn before gently pressing a soft kiss to it. “That only works on the kids,” she muttered pulling her hand away.
“Let me put some cream on it.”
“Honestly, it barely even hurts anymore, don’t fuss.”
“So dinner?” He asked.
“I er…” she gestured to the burnt offering in the pan next to the stove.
Roman shrugged as he looked at the pan, “Pizza?” he asked.
“You really do want to have sex don’t you?”
“Are you saying that you’d be that easy? Because I’ve ordered a lot of pizza and well….”
Ella laughed before she leaned forward and kissed him cutting off whatever he was going to say next.
“I can give the children some mash to start off with and I have a jar of food for Sam,” she told him.
“Ouh, his first solids? Looking forward to changing those nappies!”
Ella smiled despite herself before being pulled into his arms and snuggling up to him. “I know you’re thinking that we should send Meggy to military school but they’ll only send her back after a day,” she said quietly.
“Oh no, I was actually thinking that taking that cold shower was a waste of time,” he said his breath ruffling her hair as he laughed at her.
“Oh you,” she pushed away from him and moved to serve the mash to her babies and sorting out the jar of food she had picked out for Sam’s first foray into solids, pureed carrots. She grinned over at her handsome husband as he reached for the phone and ordered them pizza. Settling the children into their high chairs she helped them start their dinners before reaching for Sam and holding him on her lap.
“Here,” Roman called moving to her side and handing her another cloth and his bib.
Easing her squirming baby into his bib she chuckled at him before taking a little of the food on the baby spoon and placing it in his mouth.
Sam gave her a look of disgust before spitting it out.
“See, no one likes the carrots,” Roman commented.
“Me likes,” Georgie said.
“You want the baby food?”
“Roman don’t,” Ella shook her head before trying again with Sam. The orange looking goo didn’t appeal to her either but Georgie had loved it. She glanced at her older boy and laughed at the pout he had on his face.
“Eat your mash my mister man,” Roman said softly helping Georgie with it. They both earned a glare off a jealous Meggy who in turn got a glare from Sophie.
“I want to go with you to collect Mike,” Ella announced.
“No,” Roman shot back immediately.
“I need to get back to normal,” she said as she tried again with Sam trying not to laugh as he blew orange bubbles with the goo.
“I know that El, but it’s a two hour round trip, longer if there is traffic. Do you really think you’d be able to be that far away from Sam, let alone leaving him with someone else for that length of time?”
“Stop being all rational with me. I’m telling you what I need to do.”
Roman gave her a look, “No, what you are doing is blackmailing me in front of the children knowing that I can’t argue with you. But think about it, you’ll have to find a sitter and then actually leave Sam with them.”
“I can do it,” she defended.
“And then I have to drive knowing that any minute you can have a panic attack.”
“Roman, stop.”
“I’m sorry, next week after you’ve been out for a bit more,”
“I need to do this,” Ella insisted.
“Stop, I’m not going to enter into this kind of discussion with you in …” he paused as a knock at the door heralded the arrival of pizza and he dealt with that, going into the kitchen so he could sort out serving up portions for the children before returning to the table.
She sat there and watched with a strange detachment as he saw to the children before she spoke again.
“Do you …”
“Ella, I love you dearly but if we keep talking about this we’ll argue and…” he gestured to children and even grinned when Meggy gave them both a curious look.
“I need to finish this discussion,” she murmured quietly. “I get the sense that you have more to say and as we’re talking honestly instead of you fobbing me off with platitudes I need to hear it.”
“Okay, I don’t fob you off. I think that in a week, or two weeks even, you’ll be ready to get him. But right now if something happens it will set you too far back. Sometimes you need to slow down and appreciate where you’ve come from.”
“Oh so we’ve skipped the fobbing me off bit and gone to the clichés?”
“Do you want a bottle of milk?” He changed the subject.
“Yes please,” she sighed putting away the spoon in the jar of carrot puree and placing it on the table. She chuckled as Georgie held out his hands for it even though he was chewing on his pizza and had finished all his mash.
“Here you go,” Roman said quietly before he handed over the bottle of milk.
Ella leaned down and kissed the top of Sam’s head even as she wiped the last of the carrots from his face and began to give him his bottle. Glancing over at the jar of food she knew that he’d spit out more than he’d eaten.
“I want to…” she paused and looked over at Roman.
“We’re having people over this weekend; can’t you be happy that you’ve reached that far without pushing it? Honestly Ella, if you go and something happens I’m not sure you’d forgive yourself.”
“What do you mean if something happens?”
“If you panic I mean, not something bad.”
“So my panic attacks aren’t ‘something bad’?” she murmured quoting his words back to him.
“Don’t change the subject, or rather do. We need to discuss this later.”
“No it’s fine; you’ve made your feelings clear.”
“Don’t use that tone on me El,” he muttered giving her a look that she knew well. He hated it when she acted like she was being dismissive of him. Although that went both ways, feeling the prick of pain at the way he wasn’t even prepared to listen to her over fetching Mike back from school. She wanted to see the look on their son’s face as he saw her there and now with just a few words Roman had dashed her hopes.
She gave him a narrowed eye look. “Sure, fine, whatever,” she said before spoiling it and grinning as he frowned at her.
“Woman,” he groaned as he leaned over and kissed her. “Here, let me take Sam for a bit so you can eat.”
She handed over their son and smiled as he grizzled before he was settled on his dad’s lap and was once more given the bottle to guzzle from.
“We need to go shopping,” she said quietly.
“Another highchair?”
“Yeah, and he needs the next size up in clothes.”
“Already? Didn’t we just buy him some stuff?”
Ella nodded feeling sharp sting of tears pricking her eyes at the thought of her last baby growing up so quickly. She covered it up by taking a bite of her pizza and chewing slowly.
The next couple of hours passed quickly as they finished dinner and sorted out the children, bathing them before finally getting them to bed. When she came back down after taking a quick shower she found him in the kitchen clearing away the last of the pots.
“Roman,” she began.
“I honestly can’t let you go. I’m sorry.” He was at the sink, his hands clutching at the aluminium as he leaned forward.
“I was actually going to ask if you wanted to watch a film.”
“Of course you were,” he gave her a look.
“Yup, so was. But if you don’t fancy snuggling with me in front of the tv for an hour then…”
Roman sighed before turning and facing her.
“I don’t want to snuggle if we haven’t finished that discussion El. Suppose you’re totally fine on the way there but you have a panic attack with Mike in the car with us? He hasn’t seen it so he’s going to panic too and I’m the one driving us. Do you think that it isn’t going to be…”
“Are you suggesting that I might be a reason we have a crash because that is really low even for you!”
“Even for me?” Roman shook his head. “Honestly that was one of the meanest things you’ve ever said to me. For months you shut me out. You belittled my opinion. You hid things from me and yet you have the gall to make me to be the bad guy here because I don’t automatically fall in with what you want.”
“And you think you don’t get nasty with me?”
“Don’t change the subject. Again. Tell me you can guarantee that you aren’t going to panic? Come on El, give me a cast iron guarantee when so far the longest you’ve actually been out of the house is two hours tops and we had the kids with us.”
“Stop it, just stop it. Why can’t you ever listen to me?”
“I can say the same thing. You honestly think I want to have this discussion with you. To actually say these words like I don’t somehow believe in you? Because that isn’t the truth. I know you are working at getting better and with each day you do something that pushes your boundaries but going all that way?”
“Honestly? I think that you are enjoying the fact I’m ill. It gives you another chance to play hero.”
She grimaced as he flinched at her accusation but before she could retract her cruel taunt Roman gave her a last look before he walked away from her and up the stairs. She wanted to follow him, to somehow repair the damage that she’d wrought on their relationship but it was too late she’d hurt him. Again.
“Dammit!” she cried out before turning and heading into the lounge. She curled up on the sofa in a ball of misery before she gave in to the tears.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 27

Roman leaned down and gently took her in his arms lifting her up. He padded through the dark house and up the stairs to their room. She snuggled closer to him in her sleep, pressing her lips to the side of his neck just like she always did when he held her like this and his arms tightened automatically before he placed her in the bed and tucked her in. Switching off the main lights, he contemplated moving into a spare room after their argument of earlier but the temptation to hold her was too much.
“Hey,” she whispered sleepily.
“Hey back,” he murmured as he slid in beside her.
“Sorry,” she blinked up at him, “I’m really sorry.”
“Me too.”
“I love you,” she said quickly as though she was going to lose her nerve at any minute.
“We’ll talk tomorrow. Or rather later today!”
“Hold me?”
He smiled at her as he pulled her into his arms and she snuggled against him. Closing his eyes he sighed at the way she moved against him, innocent in one way but in another, well the way she was rubbing her leg against his was not so innocent he thought grinning. He’d never told her that he’d never slept like this with anyone else, cuddling close to her and then when she turned in her sleep he also turned in his sleep too, spooning with her, keeping that connection with each other. It reinforced their bond, and even when they argued, like last night, he could count on being with her in their bed and holding one another.
Back in the day he’d struggled in her single bed because not only had he never shared that intimacy with anyone, not even Natalie, who he’d had a child with, no he just didn’t have those kinds of relationships where the intimacy had been as important or even more important than the sex. Until he’d met Ella and he’d fallen for her hard. Within a short space of time he’d gone from being a playboy to being whipped. And he hadn’t cared because heading to her tent after being out in the field had quickly become the best thing ever. Seeing her smile at him, sharing kisses with him and then later when they’d begun to discover each other.
Drifting asleep he knew that they would be having a serious talk in the morning and no amount of avoiding it would help the situation.

Ella looked down at Sam who was happily gurgling away in his buggy and cursed again at this stupid idea she’d had. Walking to the diner to see Roman. She could feel her legs shaking with the unaccustomed exercise and had to pace herself, taking it slower than she would have liked. She still had time before they had to collect Meggy and the twins from nursery but even so she felt the pressure to get inside where it was safe.
“Are we going to see Dada?” She asked her son to distract herself.
It was another beautiful day, not too hot already and the wild flowers were pretty distractions on the side of the road. The first stretch of the journey there hadn’t been footpaths and walking along the road with a buggy had unnerved her, even though there was little traffic on it but now the small stretch of road seemed nothing compared to walking along on a pavement amongst pedestrians with parked cars beside her and the busyness of traffic travelling back and forth.
“Dadadada,” Sam called out excitedly clapping his hands.
She focused on him as her heart had once again begun to race with panic. She couldn’t believe that a twenty five minute journey in the car took so long on foot.
Ella sighed as she saw the diner come into view, and not just the diner but the sea.
Sam gurgled at her, “bu bu bu!”
“Can you see the beach my Samson?” she asked her son, unconsciously using the name that Roman gave their boy. She grinned as he smiled up at her and clapped his hands happily before waving at the sea.
Pausing at the kerb she watched the traffic before crossing the road. A few moments more she reached the diner and pushed through the door guiding the pushchair inside.
“El?” Roman asked in surprise as he saw her come in. He walked around the counter and leaning forward kissed her on the cheek.
“I could do with a drink,” she murmured quietly.
He nodded seeming distracted before heading back to the kitchen and getting a drink and she frowned momentarily because she hadn’t even told him what she wanted. Leaning down she lifted Sam out of his pushchair before folding it up and placing it safely out the way of people before taking a seat with Sam perched on her lap.
Roman moved over to her and sat opposite before placing a tall glass of lemonade with ice in front of her.
“So what are you doing here?”
“You mean after our big fight and the silent treatment we gave each other earlier today?”
“Something like that,” he said slowly, “El what are you rushing for?”
“Rushing?”
“You know exactly what I mean, why are you rushing through the steps you need to do to get better? Why aren’t you talking to me about this stuff?”
“I don’t know…” she began pausing to take a drink of the lemonade. She gave a little gasp as the liquid refreshed her better than the coffee she’d been thinking about and the rogue thought that Roman knew her better than she knew herself sometimes ran though her mind. “You’re right,” she said eventually.
Handing Sam over to him she rummaged around in her bag and took out her organiser and opened it up at the notes section knowing that as he was leaning forward he was reading her handwriting in the book.
“Ella?” he prompted.
“I want to find my biological father,” she finally said looking down at her writing herself. “Suppose that there is something he could have passed on to me? To our children?”
“Our kids are healthy,” he said quickly.
“I know, but that doesn’t stop me having that question and that’s what I need…”
“To find out?”
“Please Roman; tell me you understand because I can’t… do…” Ella stopped and looked at him sitting across from her with their precious son on his lap and instead of the tears that were threatening to fall down her face she found that she smiled at him simply because looking at them was so wonderful. Sam had her nose but other than that he was spit of his father, especially his eyes.
“Of course I understand El but you have to talk to me. You have to let me in, let me know what is going on because I have to say at the moment it doesn’t feel like much of a marriage,” he said slowly.
She gave a small moaning gasp as she looked at him, noting that he didn’t meet her eyes as he looked at her, “I hurt you didn’t I?”
“You know you did and what is worse is that you did it deliberately. You…” Roman paused as Colleen walked past them to clear a table nearby and she found herself smiling at that because he was being protective of her even after everything.
Looking down at her organiser she pushed it towards him so he could see it better.
“I need to talk to my Dad, my other dad and get his blessing. Then I want to go here and check this out.”
“What about Pete or James?”
“I know, I thought about talking to them but this is something I need to do. As superwoman,” she added.
“And what about me?”
“I need you to be there for me, to support me, to…”
“To sit back whilst you do this?” Roman almost sneered.
“Yes, I need you to do that,” she muttered to him.
“I can’t do that,” he said his voice hoarse.
“You have to find a way Roman. It’s… If… If I don’t do this then I’m always going to be scared, to be… “
“Don’t blackmail me,” he scoffed.
“It’s not, I’m trying to explain what is in my head, what I feel. You want me to talk to you and then when I do you drag me back.”
“Then why are you even with me Ella?”
She gasped feeling a deep hurt at his question. Not only had he asked her it but in front of their son and then she remembered what she’d done just the previous evening.
“I love you, I love being married to you, I love our family and our home,” she said finally.
“Well I’m glad I’m in there somewhere.”
“Roman don’t do this okay, I know I said some nasty stuff to you but you hurt me too. We hurt each other and…. I don’t want that. I want us to…”
“Us? As long as you keep silent El, as long as you hide what you are doing, what you are thinking then there isn’t an us. I can’t be the one who comes home and finds you cutting,” he said slowly his voice full of hurt.
Ella looked down at her arms seeing the faint white marks that marred her skin. She regretted the impulses that led her to that act. She sighed as she traced one of the marks before meeting his concerned gaze.
“I can’t promise I won’t do it again but I do promise that I will talk to you if it reaches that point again,” she said quickly her words tripping over themselves.
“I don’t want promises El, I don’t…”
“Trust them?”
“If I’m honest then no, I don’t trust them. You shut me out, you lied to me and I love you too much to … let it happen again.”
“I can’t do anything…” she paused looking down at her empty glass and wondering when she’d drunk it. Looking over at Sam she turned and reached into her bag for a bottle and handed it to Roman who presented it to their son.
“We still have this?” He asked
“Are you asking me Roman? Or telling me, I’m not sure. I wanted to pick up Mike with you today because I want to be better, to not have this in our lives. I need to be better to go off and search for him.”
“Then your reasons are skewed El, you need to be better not for us, but for yourself. Not for finding some mythical man that you think is going to give you answers either. But yourself.”
“What are you saying?” She felt a tremor of trepidation at what he was saying and sucked down the negative feelings that were swamping her. This was the most they had talked for ages.
“I’m saying that even if you get better tomorrow you need to decide if you still want to be married, if you still want to be here. You’ve commented a few times that you don’t have friends here and that you don’t feel at home here. So yeah, El, you need to decide what you want.”
“I want you!” she gasped out quickly.
“No, you feel safe with me there is a difference.”
She heard the hurt in his voice and knew exactly what she’d done to him in that moment. It wasn’t just the argument the previous evening; it was a combination of everything, of her hiding how ill she’d been, hiding what she was thinking and feeling. Shutting him out all the time and when she did talk to him it was only superficial things nothing important.
“Okay,” she nodded as though she agreed with him.
“I’m going to pick up Mike alone.”
“I know,” she said slowly, “I think that is best too and I’m sorry I was such a … “she shrugged as he gave her a look.
“Are we still having the BBQ on Saturday?”
“Yes please, I think it’s time to have people round, and the kids need to socialise.”
“Okay but if Georgie thinks he’s getting a beer he can think again,” Roman punned.
Ella chuckled and reached out a hand towards him feeling relieved when he placed his hand in hers and squeezed gently before releasing his hold and concentrating on holding the bottle for Sam.
“We should go get the others from nursery, it’s about that time,” she commented glancing at the clock on the wall above the counter.
“They’ll be okay for another few minutes we still have things to discuss. I want to take you out to dinner tonight, we need to talk.”
“Roman, I can’t leave Sam. And Mike is only here a couple of days,” she moaned under her breath feeling the panic at leaving her children spreading inside her.
“And yet you were telling me just last night at great length that you were ready to leave them for several hours to fetch Mike. Which is it?”
“I can’t okay, I just can’t,” she rubbed her arm absentmindedly at one of the spots she’d cut and looked down at the reddening skin before sucking in a sharp breath and flexing her hands out so she was no longer fidgeting.
“We’re going out to dinner tonight, I’ve arranged it.”
“Regardless of how I feel?”
Roman raised an eyebrow as he looked at her and she sucked in a breath remembering how she’d delivered him an ultimatum and expected him to just fall in with what she wanted. She met his gaze and nodded.
“Fine, dinner but we can’t be out long,” she added biting on her bottom lip worriedly.
“Fine,” he agreed and checked on Sam before handing her his empty bottle. “Let’s go get the others.”
Ella nodded and gathered her organiser back before putting it in her handbag. She stood and grimaced at the ache in her calf muscles reminding herself that she hadn’t had a lot of exercise recently.
“Okay?” he asked as she moaned under her breath.
“Just achy,” she said quietly.
Roman gave her a look but refrained from comment as he went over to reclaim the buggy. He followed her out of the diner after calling his goodbyes to Leah and then led them over to his car.
“Here,” he handed Sam to her whilst he put the buggy in the back.
“Come on Samson,” she murmured quietly putting their quiet baby into his seat in the back of the car. She checked and double-checked that he was fastened securely and tried not to wince as Roman gave her a knowing look as she climbed into the passenger seat next to him and he started the car to drive them to the nursery to collect the twins and Meggy knowing they would have lunch together before he had to leave to go collect Mike. She grimaced again as she thought about what she’d said to him the previous night. He had a right to be upset with her she was keeping stuff from him. Sighing she turned her head and looked at him before nervously placing her hand on his knee.
He shot her a look and she felt his hand on top of hers briefly before he focused once more on the road in front of them.

Roman parked up in the parking lot outside Mike’s boarding school. The journey had taken nearly three hours due to an accident that had brought traffic to a standstill. He texted Ella and let her know he’d arrived before climbing out of the car and heading to reception to collect Mike. He glanced around at the other parents and sighed, most of them seemed to be in ‘smart casual’, shirts and trousers for the men and women wearing the female equivalent with dark skirts and blouses. Not for the first time was he comparing himself with them. This was another world to him; he’d never thought he’d have a kid at boarding school, although some of the schools Nic had managed to get herself kicked out of were pretty fancy.
“Mr Harris?”
He turned as he heard his name called and approached Mike’s form tutor cautiously.
“Hello,” he murmured and grinned at the automatic way he’d scuffed one of his trainers in the gravel as he reluctantly approached the man.
“Mike is in here, he’s fine but he took a tumble during a run.”
“What happened?” Roman asked immediately.
“Nothing serious just cuts and grazes,” Mike’s tutor murmured leading him into the office next to reception.
“Mike,” Roman called as he saw his son sitting in the room, a large plaster was on his forehead as well as grazes on his chin.
“I’m okay; they just wanted to make sure…” Mike trialled off as he stood up.
“I’m sure your Mum will be having words,” he said going over to his side and collecting his bags.
“We thought in the circumstances if you want to keep him home longer than just the weekend …”
“We’ll let you know,” Roman said smoothly his eyes on Mike’s face for a brief moment before he looked back at the form tutor. “Thanks,” he murmured before leading Mike out and to the car. He settled him in the passenger seat before putting his bags in the back and getting behind the wheel. Setting off he remained quiet until he reached a suitable place to stop the car and park up. “So you tripped?”
“I was running and one of my laces came undone and…” Mike said quickly.
“If you are going to lie then first off, never and I mean never try and lie to your mother because you know how that works out and second, seriously? Even I don’t believe that story.”
Mike sighed next to him before groaning.
“She’s not going to believe it is she?”
“Do you really need such a huge plaster on your head? Because if you did then why weren’t we called?”
Mike paled before ripping off the plaster from his face revealing a small cut.
“I just want to be home right now,” he admitted his bottom lip quivering.
“If you help me out with something then I can help swing a couple of extra days for you,” Roman said after a few moments.
“What?”
“I need you to babysit tonight, I’m taking your Mum to dinner,” Roman began and outlined the plan he had in mind. He saw from Mike’s grin that the boy needed this, needed something so he didn’t feel so left out of things. He made a mental note to talk to Ella about them taking a mini-vacation with Mike when things were a bit more settled. Maybe going to El’s studio for a long weekend so that it wasn’t such an ordeal for her.
Starting up the car he set off back home.

She’d tried to protest against them going out. She claimed that Mike wasn’t ready to babysit, and that he should be looked after because of the cut on his head. Then she said she wasn’t feeling well. Then the children were fretful. Nothing worked, not even lingering in the shower for an extra hour, or spending more time on her hair and make-up than she’d ever done before. She’d even chosen a dress she knew needed ironing and he’d just given her one of those looks, the kind where he’d raised one eyebrow and half smirked.
Back in the day when he’d given her one of those looks she’d had heart palpitations and gone weak at the knees, usually they were near a bed when it happened which was lucky.
She pulled her mind from the gutter it had sunk too before noticing that he’d driven them round the block and was heading back home.
“Roman?”
“Yes?” Again he gave her that look.
“You complete B…..”
He pulled up outside their house and stopped the car.
“Really Mrs Harris? Calling me names?”
“I’ll do more than that…” she threatened.
Roman climbed out of the car and walked around to the passenger side to open the door for her. She climbed out herself and stepped up to him before putting her arms around his neck and pressing herself close to him she kissed him.
“Oh well if that is what you are threatening go right ahead…” he said softly moulding her against him as he kissed her back.
She melted, feeling the warmth of his body against her, the hotness of the kiss and the way he was holding her. Every nerve ending in her body seemed to tingle and she had to remind herself where they were before it went further. Although it wouldn’t be the first time they were caught necking in the driveway.
“So what…” she began to ask before he took hold of her hand and mindful of the fact she was wearing black patent high heels he led her over the gravel until they reached the path that took them around the house and to the back.
Ella looked at the table on the back veranda, set with their best china and the crystal champagne flutes complete with a small crystal vase placed in the centre of the table which contained one of the large white rose from their garden, the heavy bloom giving off a hint of rose perfume that lingered on the moonlit night. Stings of fairy lights were hung up around the veranda, their twinkling lights giving it a magical glow as well as candles placed all around the garden. The earth shattering kiss where the scent of her favourite aftershave on him had woven a seductive spell around her senses, the way he was dressed in smart black trousers that clung to his muscular thighs when he moved, and a crisp white shirt that clung to his biceps and pecs. Then there was this, this whole thing. The romance, the surprise not to mention the fact that he knew she would be more comfortable and relaxed in this setting than at the restaurant he’d said they were going to. Dammit all she’d just gone and fallen in love with him again.
Ella gasped and turned to glare at him.
“Roman Harris,” she muttered.
“I believe our table is waiting,” he said smoothly leading her across to the table and pulling out the chair for her. He smiled at her as she meekly sat in the chair and allowed him to put it under the table.
“How could you do this to me Roman?”
“Do you mean the lying or the winding you up?”
“Both,” she hissed out before sighing, “Because I said that I could fetch Mike you were testing me?”
“Actually no, I had this in mind for a few weeks, dinner that is, not the subterfuge to get you here. We are a couple as well as parents,” he murmured.
“But I don’t get to spend much time with Mike and… “ she stopped at seeing the look on his face before taking a deep breath, “actually scrap that, Roman this is wonderful it’s very romantic,” she told him softly, “thank you.”
“Uh huh, and I did it all myself,” he said earning a giggle off her.
“I wasn’t even going to suggest that you had help,” she smiled at him.
He eased away from her and opened up the bottle of pink cava he’d selected and poured it into glasses.
“Of course you weren’t,” he presented the glass to her and she took a cautious sip before grinning at him.
“Nice,” she commented.
“Are you sure because you wrinkled your nose up the way you do when I make you try wine,” he said quietly.
Ella shook her head, “I so didn’t!”
Roman smiled at her as he sat opposite her.
“So what are we going to talk about?”
“It’s a nice night,” Ella began.
“Seriously? The weather?” He scoffed.
“Well no, there was going to be more but you’ve put me off now…”
Roman laughed at her and she gave him a glare in return before her lips curved in a smile.
“Are you guys ready for dinner now, only the pizza arrived ages ago,” Mike called from just inside the house.
“Pizza?”
“And toffee cheesecake, I know how to spoil my women,” Roman said before he cried out in pain. He rubbed at a spot on his leg where she kicked him and glared at her.
“Women? Plural? We are so going to have a talk solider!”
“You know I only have eyes for you,” he said quietly.
“Well I only have eyes for pizza so let’s eat,” Ella shot back at him.
Roman made a ’tsk’ sound before he stood and moved over to where Mike was standing inside the house. He served up the pizza giving Mike his to eat inside before taking theirs out to the table on the veranda.
They ate in silence as though gathering their thoughts before Ella smiled over at him. “Thank you,” she said softly and knew from his expression that he had picked up on the fact she was saying more than just thank for the pizza.
“Mike’s picked out a film for us to watch so we can spend some time with him too,” Roman told her.
She blinked back grateful tears and fixed a smile on her face.
“Before or after my cheesecake?”
“You do know we’re sharing the cheesecake don’t you?”
Ella gave him a smile and leaned forward knowing that he would have a perfect view of her cleavage before she licked her lips slowly.
“Are you sure about that?”
“Are you offering me something else instead?”
She felt her face immediately flaming as she remembered her thoughts of earlier. “No!” she gasped out.
“Pity,” he murmured smoothly as he stood up and poured more cava into their glasses before clearing away the plates and coming back a moment later with a plate containing a single slice of toffee cheesecake and two spoons. She gave a husky chuckle before leaning over and kissing him as he sat back down.
“I do love you,” she said quietly.
“I know, I love you too,” he answered and she smiled again before picking up a spoon.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 28

Ella was wearing one of her very long skirts; it swirled around her ankles as she moved back and forth in the kitchen preparing food. She’d teamed it with a vest top and her hair, which she’d told him she was going to get cut, was pinned up in a tight bun on the top of her head. Added to that was a thick silver patterned bangle on one wrist and matching earrings. He vaguely remembered buying her the bangle but had no idea when she’d gotten the earrings. She looked beautiful as always but more important than that she looked happy. He rubbed Sam’s back as he paced back and forth before grinning as he swore his son let out the biggest burp he’d ever heard.
“Bet your happier now my boy,” he said softly.
“And you say he doesn’t take after you,” Ella called out.
“Ha ha,” Roman smiled at his wife before moving to place Sam down. His son balled his fists up and rubbed at his face before catching hold of his t-shirt and clinging on to it.
“I think he wants to stay where he is,” Ella said softly as she moved past him and over to where the other children were sitting in their highchairs. She handed out drinks to them, pressing a kiss to the top of their heads.
“Well how can I cook when I’m holding him?”
He grinned as she smiled at him; she’d tilted her head to one side as she contemplated her response.
“You do need me to back off and leave him with you more,” she commented.
“Not today,” he grouched.
She laughed at him.
“You still have hours until you need to start cooking,” she said as she sat at the table.
“Morning!” Mike called sounding sheepish.
Roman watched as Ella gave their elder son a smile before she patted the seat next to her and Mike moved to sit next to her.
“I thought we said no late nights,” she spoke softly to him.
Mike grinned at her, his face flushing. “I was watching a movie on my laptop,” he admitted slowly.
“And we don’t mind that do we El, I mean depending on what type of movie it was. I suppose you are going…”
“Roman!”
“I didn’t even mention …”
“Dad!”
He grinned at the identical looks on Ella and Mike’s faces before moving to Ella’s side and pressing a kiss to her cheek.
“Anyway,” she muttered giving him a glare before focusing on Mike, “Anyway, we’re having people over today and since your dad is getting so good at taking care of the younger kids I thought we’d go for a surf.”
“What?” Roman gasped out knowing that his eyes immediately went to Meggy before he looked back at Ella.
“I think you heard Mother,” Mike murmured with a smug grin on his face.
“I think …” Roman lapsed into silence when Sam reached up a fist and grabbed hold of his hair and tugged on it. He bit back the swearword that hovered on his lips before giving Ella a rueful look. How often had Sam pulled on her hair he wondered? She had beautiful hair and kept it long because she knew he liked it like that.
“He’s started to do that a lot,” she commented with a smile at their baby son.
“I think it’s a sign I need to get my hair cut,” he murmured.
Ella stood from her seat and moved around the kitchen getting some breakfast for Mike. She resumed her seat next to him as he ate and he himself sat next to her giving Sam a smile as he leaned back in his hold to give his mother a smile.
“I think you may have missed the morning tide,” he said after a time.
“Mum?”
“We can go for a swim and then the diner?”
“Sounds good,” Mike said quickly, almost too quickly.
Ella smiled at Mike before she looked over at him. He caught the expression on her face and gave her what he hoped was an encouraging look.
“If Sam lets me go long enough I’m sure I can get the kids helping me cooking,” he told her.
“You do have the pouch to put him in,” Ella commented.
“I’m not cooking with him,” Roman said before he caught the teasing glint in her eyes.
“Are we going swimming?”
Ella smiled at her son as he asked the question before she looked at Roman. He nodded at her and she stood from the table and moved out of the room with Mike, the two of them chattering away together.
“Okay you lot,” Roman murmured to his other children, “We’ve got cooking to do!”
“Dada?” Meggy murmured looking puzzled.
“Toons dada!” Georgie pointed to the TV.
Roman sighed, just one of his kids liking cooking. That was all he wanted but no, he suspected that they were more like Ella than him.

Ella and Mike walked back into the house after their afternoon at the beach. The smell of food cooking reached them and Ella walked quickly into the kitchen to where Roman was. As her husband turned towards her she noticed that he did have the pouch on and was carrying their son.
“Oh Roman,” she murmured.
“He wouldn’t settle, got a feeling he’s got a tooth coming through.”
“Let me…” she reached for him but Roman caught hold of her hands. He placed a kiss to each palm before looking in her eyes.
“Go and get a shower and then you can cuddle him,” he instructed smiling because she pouted at him.
“I hate you,” she grouched and headed up the stairs.
“She didn’t panic,” Mike said as he walked to the fridge.
“Were you expecting her too?”
“I don’t know,” their son admitted.
Ella didn’t hear the rest of the conversation as she moved up the stairs and into the bedroom. She peeled off her swimsuit and walked naked into the en suite before gasping at herself. Normally she covered up, even when she was alone. As if accidentally catching sight of her naked body was somehow shameful. Turning she moved back into the bedroom and stood in front of the mirror. Her breasts were still swollen from breastfeeding and there was still a curve to her stomach from carrying Sam that she hadn’t quite got rid of yet but other than that she was in good shape. Running a finger across the mark that Gardy had left over her body she sighed at the automatic negative thought pattern inside her head before she pushed those thoughts away and moved back inside the en suite. The hot water of the shower felt good, refreshing more than the swim in the sea and she sighed as she ran the lathered up sponge over her body. She washed her hair next, her fingers tangling in the long tresses as she massaged her scalp.
Shower complete she turned off the water and stepped out wrapping herself in one of their big fluffy bath sheets. The towels she’d selected because they were the biggest size available and even though he would never admit it, Roman liked them.
After towel drying her hair she dressed in shorts and a vest top before heading back down the stairs and to where Roman was. He stopped what he was doing to let her take Sam and then she carried him into the lounge to where the other babies were. Georgie was sitting close to the TV watching Finding Nemo and Meggy was colouring. Whatever Sophie had been doing she stopped to come over and see Sam.
“It’s okay,” Ella told her daughter quickly.
“Sammy cries…” Sophie murmured.
“Did he?” Ella asked and saw her daughter nodding. “Well Dada took very good care of him; shall we get a story to read to him?”
Sophie gave her another assessing look before she ran over to the shelf that had their books on and pulled some out dropping them on the floor before she selected a fairy tale book. She proudly presented it to her mother and scrambled on to the sofa next to her.
“Oh look, this is one of my favourite stories,” Ella told her daughter and smiled when Sophie beamed at her.
She began to read the first story in the book, doing the voices for the characters that her babies loved and giggled when they did. She had no idea that Roman had stopped cooking and was filming her with his phone or that Mike was stood in the doorway listening to her. Sam gave her toothy grins and clapped his hands in response to the story telling and Sophie giggled. Even Meggy moved away from her colours to sit still next to Sophie to listen.
When Ella looked up she caught Roman and Mike both watching her and she groaned.
“You…”
“It’s cute,” Roman smiled over at her.
“Hey at least I wasn’t filming you!” Mike protested.
“What?”
Roman gave her an innocent look and she glared at him just as the front door opened and Nic walked in.
“Hey!” she called out leading Angel inside with Geoff following just behind her, carrying Robbie.
Sophie gave Angel a look before she scrambled off the sofa and ran over to her.
“Play,” she told her and took hold of her hand half leading half dragging her into the lounge and over to the toybox.
“Another baby for you to play with,” Ella called softly to Sam as she eased up off the sofa and balanced him on her hip.
Sam reached out a hand towards Robbie before he moved it to his mouth and tried to put his whole fist in his mouth.
“Ah is he cutting a new tooth? Robbie had us awake three nights in a row,” Nic murmured walking over to Ella’s side and fussing over Sam.
“Here,” Ella handed over her precious son feeling a quiver of unrest because of it before heading into the kitchen and organising drinks.
“Hey,” Roman murmured behind her.
“Hey back,” she said slowly.
He leaned down and whispered in her ear.
“Is it getting easier or harder?”
“Harder,” she muttered before she could stop herself.
“Then you need distracting,” he murmured.
“Oh no I don’t,” she turned and looked at him, “Certainly not what you are thinking!”
Roman chuckled before he helped her with drinks taking them through to the lounge.
“So what brings you round several hours early?” He asked Nic.
Ella shook her head at him as she sat down daintily on the sofa next to Mike.
“I think they wanted to check on me,” she murmured.
“Oh we did but also we realised we wanted to get the food before Aden turned up,” Nic announced slowly.
“Did we invite Aden?”
Ella glared at Roman before she looked over at Nic.
“I’m doing better,” she said quietly.
“We went swimming earlier,” Mike added.
“Jus’ keep swimming,” Georgie called out pointing at the tv.
“How have you not worn this movie out?”
“I think the question is how many times has El replaced that movie,” Roman murmured.
Ella felt herself flushing as they laughed at her and tried to cover it up with drinking from her cup. The conversation moved on and she watched as they eased into normal topics. This was what she wanted when she planned the day, a return to happier times. Looking up she caught Roman looking at her and she nodded slowly before smiling at him. He returned her smile before heading back into the kitchen and getting out snacks for everybody. Soon Aden and his family would arrive along with Miles and she could feel herself relaxing.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 29

Ella rolled over in the bed and sighed.
“I’m sorry,” Roman murmured again.
“It’s one of those things,” she found herself saying and wondering what that phrase actually meant. Easing out of bed she padded into her en suite and turned the shower on. She stepped under the hot spray and let it cascade over her body feeling the kinks easing out of her tense muscles.
The evening had gone well, exceptionally well. Lots of laughter and she hadn’t panicked, even when Sam had begun crying. She’d fed him, settled all the children back down with the exception of Mike of course, and returned to the party just in time to dance with her husband. Later he and Miles had cracked out the single malt, enjoying a drink together as people drifted off to bed, herself included. When Roman joined her she hadn’t been asleep but rather waiting up for him, waiting for him to join her in bed.
“Oh,” he’d murmured and given her a grin.
He’d made to move over to her side and presumably kiss her before remembering he’d had whisky. The taste and smell generally triggered flashbacks to the assault so he’d laboured into the en suite coming out after showering and brushing his teeth. As he climbed in the bed naked she’d turned to him.
It had been okay for the most part, enjoying kissing him and touching him and he’d been his usual considerate self. Albeit slightly annoying by asking her if she was enjoying it every five seconds. And she had enjoyed it. Enjoyed making love to him. Until.
She sighed and rested her head on the tiles in front of her as the first tears came.
It had been painful and uncomfortable. To the point that he was probably put off for life.
They hadn’t made love since the early days of her pregnancy with Sam. She’d given birth since and she knew that made a difference. That sometimes it took a while to readjust to making love and that was difficult enough without the added stress of ‘freezing up’ when he made a move towards her.
“El,” he murmured from behind her.
“I… er… just a minute…”
He pulled open the door behind her and stepped into the shower pulling her into his arms and holding her.
“What say we try again?” he said slowly.
She felt his lips on the back of her neck kissing in that spot that made her knees go weak, except now she was just too tense and upset to give into those feelings and she sighed before realising that he wasn’t stopping with just kissing her neck. Roman held the sponge in his hand and he poured on shower gel, washing her back slowly, carefully. He followed it up with a sensual massage, with kissing down her spine. She felt herself responding to him. Enjoying him.
He reached around her waist and pulled her back against him, against his hard body, whilst his hands caressed every part of her body, over and over again. She should be relaxed, she should enjoy this she knew but suddenly as she was pressed against him, as she felt his obvious arousal she froze again.
“Please stop,” she whispered.
“Relax,” he told her again, “I’m not going to do anything you don’t want,” he added quietly.
“Roman, you already are, I don’t want you to touch me,” she told him her voice breaking.
“I…” He gave her a look before stepping out of the shower and hastily grabbing a towel for himself. Wrapping it around him he paced into the bedroom leaving her there. She couldn’t help the sob that tore through her before pulling herself together. Getting out of the shower she grabbed a towel for herself and dried off before rushing into the bedroom. He wasn’t in there and she moaned her distress as she dragged on a nightdress and went in search of him.
“Hey,” she murmured catching him in the kitchen.
He was leaning forward, his hands on the counter in front of him. He’d pulled on tracksuit bottoms but hadn’t bothered to dry off completely. She saw a trail of moisture trickle down his chest as he turned and looked at her.
“You should go to bed, it’s late,” he murmured quietly.
“I want you,” Ella told him.
“Apparently you don’t,” he couldn’t keep from sounding bitter and she didn’t blame him.
“Roman will you please look at me?”
“I can’t El, please just go to bed,” he whispered.
Ella felt a tremor of fear for just a second before she moved over to him and stroked her hand down his back. She followed it up with gentle kisses down his spine as she slide her hands around his waist.
“No,” he muttered grabbing hold of her hands.
“Yes,” she insisted kissing him again.
She eased around to the side of him before spotting the bottle and glass in front of him.
“My vodka?”
“I…” he looked her in the eyes, “I didn’t want to drink the whisky.”
“So you were planning to come back to bed?”
“We have a houseful of people,”
“So the only reason you want to be in bed with me is that the house is full?”
“I’m not allowed to want to be in bed with you for any other reason,” he shot back.
“Don’t you dare… don’t you bloody dare,” she hissed at him.
“Let’s make love… don’t touch me… let’s make love…” Roman sneered, “Let me know where I bloody stand with you El,”
“Wherever you stand it’s not with my vodka!” She snarled out and snatched the glass away from him and drained it.
Roman glared at her before he picked up the bottle and uncorked it. He gave her another look before lifting the bottle to his lips and taking a long drink.
“Son of a b…”
“You can’t even drink it at the moment so what are you moaning for?”
“And why can’t I drink it? Oh yeah that is because you decided to have another bloody kid! Bet you’re regretting that one now that it’s interfering with your sex life!”
“Here,” Roman poured more drink in her glass, “Maybe you need to mellow out!”
Ella held the glass up and looked at the amount he’d poured into it before scowling.
“And you think that amount will do it?”
He gave her a look before topping up the glass to the brim watching as droplets trickled over the side. She licked the side of the glass before taking a long drink, not even flinching at the alcohol hitting the back of her throat.
He took a long drink himself and then placed the bottle on the top next to the discarded cork.
“I hate this Ella,” he said quietly.
“I know, I’m all over the place.”
“I don’t know what to say or do for you,” he admitted.
“And I keep changing the boundaries.”
“Yeah,” he muttered taking another swig of the vodka from the bottle.
She swayed towards him slopping vodka over the side of her glass and he caught hold of her lifting her up and sitting her on the top. He took another swig from the vodka before placing it beside her on the top. She continued to drink from her glass.
“So what do you want from me Roman?”
“I want you to be well,” he insisted.
“Then why can’t you be more patient with me?”
“I am patient. I’ve told you I’d wait. I’ve looked after the kids, done the shopping, taken care of everything and yet you just continue on your merry little ‘I’m going to do whatever the hell I like’ way,” he muttered.
“It’s not like that,” she gasped before draining the rest of her drink in one.
Roman gave her a look before adding more to her glass. “Tell me what it is like?”
“I… can’t control this?” she muttered.
“This?”
“This reaction to you, I want you but…”
"I wasn’t talking about that,” he murmured slowly.
“But it’s tied up in it. I want to be normal,” she whispered.
“Why?” he asked her, “I’ve never had you down as normal.”
“Oh thanks!”
“El, you listen to loud music when your happy, you dance when you hoover, you enjoy snuggling on the sofa. You abandon whatever you are doing to play with the kids, whether the younger ones or Mike. Nothing you do is normal. It’s always been extraordinary. It’s always been special.”
She gave a gasp before abandoning her glass to one side and capturing his face in her hands to look deep into his eyes.
“Is that why you’ve had a hard time with this?”
“Because I think you’re special? No. I’ve had a hard time with this because my wife doesn’t talk to me. She’s a shadow of what she is. Some scared little mouse tiptoeing around our house.”
“And … what…. I don’t know!”
Roman leaned forward and kissed her and she responded. He kissed down her neck, along her shoulder, along her chest and down inbetween her cleavage. She responded, running her fingers through his hair as she cradled his head to her. She gasped when he pushed the straps of her nightdress down over her shoulders letting it fall and reveal her breasts before he focused on them, caressing their roundness and placing gentle kisses on them.
Next found him pushing the hem of the nightdress up and his mouth moved lower, between her legs. She pushed at his head wanting to stop him from this invasion but then something had her pressing his lips to her. Some wanton abandonment was flooding through her system. She wanted his mouth on her, his fingers, his… she moaned at the sensations he was making within her. As she reached her peak she clutched at him.
“You bast…” she began catching sight of his grin.
“My turn,” he told her lifting her up and throwing her over his shoulder. She couldn’t help the small sound that escaped her lips before carrying her up the stairs. Once inside the bedroom he kicked the door shut behind them and laid her down on the rumpled bed and joining her there.
Then it was a full out sensual assault on her body, touching and caressing her everywhere until she couldn’t stop herself from begging him to make love to her. She knew that he’d deliberately got her half drunk on vodka to relax her and she groaned at her predictability.
She glared at him before snuggling in his arms and falling asleep. Tomorrow she’d give him hell she promised herself before falling asleep.