Bound By Fear, Rescued By Love

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 30

Ella slowly eased down the stairs and into the kitchen. She saw uncluttered tops and that the vodka had been put away and sighed before heading through to the dining room. The children were seated around the coffee table at the other end of the room with breakfast in front of them. She glanced in their direction before looking round for Roman.
“If you want Dad he’s gone running with Mike and Brett,” Nic told her.
“Okay,” she murmured and moved into the kitchen again and reached for the coffee. Pouring herself a large mug she held it in her hands before taking a sip just as the door opened and Roman walked in ahead of Mike and Brett.
“One day I’m going to beat you,” Mike panted racing to the fridge and grabbing bottles of water. He handed them out to Brett first and then his dad before taking a drink from his own bottle.
“Morning,” Roman drawled quietly his eyes seeking out hers.
“Morning,” she murmured looking away from him.
Roman sighed and took a long drink from his bottle before stepping over to her. He lifted his hand and gently caressed her face, his fingers stroking her cheek.
Ella peered at him then before she lifted her hand to his and making it look like she was holding his hand she deliberately curled her fingers around his wrist and stuck her nails into his arm. She grinned momentarily as he winced and eased his hand away from her face before releasing him.
“Do you want breakfast?” he asked her.
She shook her head and turned away from him moving to claim her coffee mug from the side and taking a long drink.
“I’m going to go grab a shower,” Mike announced before he and Brett raced each other up the stairs.
“You should go shower too,” Ella pointed out to Roman.
“Wanna wash my back….”
“Thanks Dad!” Nic called out before peering at them both from the archway in the dining room. “Just traumatise me…” she added.
Roman shot his daughter a look before leaning down and kissing Ella, he was aiming for her mouth but she turned her head at the last second and his kiss fell to her cheek. She could feel him giving her a searching look before he got the hint and disappeared out of the kitchen and up the stairs.
“Want to tell me what that was about Step-Mama?”
“Just teaching your Dad a lesson,” Ella smiled before she opened the fridge and took a look inside. There were leftovers from the night before, enough to feed everyone again or even a small army. As she delved into the back of the fridge Nic moved to stand next to her.
“Don’t play games with my Dad,” Nic muttered folding her arms, “He’s…”
Ella spun around and looked at her step-daughter.
“This is between your father and me and certainly nothing to do with you. Don’t even comment on it because you don’t know the full facts.”
“I know that my Dad has run himself into the ground to take care of you whilst you are on your crazy break.”
Ella flinched and stepped back from her step-daughter before slamming the fridge shut. She heard Sam start to cry in the other room and felt the familiar feelings of panic stir within her before clamping down on them.
“You have no idea what has been going on so stop judging me.”
“I haven’t judged you,” Nic shot back, “but I know that my Dad has been going through stuff too and he doesn’t need to have to play your mind games right now.”
“How dare you Nic? How bloody dare you? If it wasn’t…” Ella stopped and took a step back pressing her lips together.
“What is going on?” Geoff murmured coming into the kitchen and looking at them.
Ella spun around and moved over to where Sam was in his basinet. She scoped up her son and looked over at her other babies seeing them sit there innocently, unaware of just how screwed up everything was.
“El?” Roman called to her and only then did she realise she’d slipped into her own quiet world again and must have been standing there long enough not to realise that Roman had finished his shower.
“I.. er… I…”
“Hey,” he moved over to her and sighed when she flinched away from him.
“I’m… er… Sam…” Ella stuttered before moving away from everyone and into the kitchen. She quickly pulled herself together and fixed a bottle for Sam before taking him up the stairs and into the nursery to feed him.

“I’m sorry Dad,” Nic said wiping tears away.
“I don’t get it,” Roman muttered folding his arms across his chest and peering at his daughter.
“Apparently Ella announced that she was teaching…that’s right isn’t it?” Geoff continued at Nic’s nod, “you a lesson and Nic became defensive of you.”
“Ella was teasing me and with good reason.”
“Really? Because it looked like…” Nic stopped and shook her head.
“Nicole, let me be the judge of my marriage. I can assure you that Ella is a hell of a lot better. And can I also point that all of us, the ones who are supposed to love her missed that she was struggling.”
“How could I have seen it when she barely spoke to us anyway after Sam was brought home?”
“And what effort did you make Nicole? It’s funny you judging my wife when she has done nothing except bend over backwards to protect you and nurture you. Do you think that I haven’t noticed the amount of clothes that come your way? The jewellery and handbags? “
“Dad…” Nic protested her cheeks flushing.
“We love you Nic, don’t for one second doubt that but if it’s a choice of my wife or you then I’m sorry but it will be Ella all the time.”
“I would never make you choose, never,” Nic gasped out looking in appeal at Geoff. Her husband moved closer to her.
“Then at least have the decency to stop and think before you speak. El doesn’t need this on top of everything else she’s going through.”
“Yeah, I got it, but Dad what are you going through? Has she even considered that? Has she?”
“Nicole,” he said fiercely, “part of the problem is that Ella does consider that. She considers everything and puts our needs above her own. She should have sat me down months ago and told me she needed me to do more. To at least notice she was struggling. She didn’t because she didn’t want me to worry about her. And honestly I look back on the times I used to drag her out, even something as mundane as shopping, and realise now that she was acutely terrified and not once did she hold me back.”
“Dad…”
“Roman,” Geoff began.
“No, I’m not going to say anymore. I think there has been quite enough been said already. I’m going to go see if my wife is okay,” Roman muttered spinning on his heel and walking through the house and up the stairs to the nursery. Looking over at Ella he sighed loudly, unable to stop himself. Sam was in her arms drinking greedily from his bottle.
“I’m okay,” she told him quietly.
“I’m the King of England,” he murmured back.
Ella stood up gently from the rocking chair making sure Sam was okay before she curtseyed to him.
“Your Majesty,” she murmured.
“Remind me to say that later when we’re alone,” he muttered giving her a grin.
Ella laughed huskily.
“You mean now you’ve tamed me?”
“God El, tame you? Like that is ever going to happen. I have the claw marks to prove it.”
“I was…” she looked at him going even paler.
He strode over to her side and took her and his baby son into his arms, holding them both.
“I know,” he said as he leaned close to her, his breath ruffling her hair as he spoke, “teaching me a lesson for last night. I seduced. I got you half drunk and took advantage of you. I’m a ruthless…..”
“Oh yes you are,” she muttered sounding fierce, “and do not think that conversation is over.”
He gave a smile before leaning down and kissing her.
“So what did Nic say that upset you?”
“That I was..” she looked down at Sam and sighed, “Later,” she muttered taking the empty bottle away from her son and moving him to her shoulder. Roman allowed her to ease away from him as she saw to their son.
“I’ll take him,” Roman offered after she’d burped him.
“He’ll have one of those nappies after his dinner last night,” she warned him.
Roman groaned aloud knowing he’d wrinkled his nose up in preparation for changing his son’s nappy, “Seriously? Can’t he just stay on milk?”
“Well he can but I thought you wanted these back?”
His eyes followed the movement of her hand as she gestured to her breasts and he automatically thought of several things that had happened the night before and found his attention riveted on something other than the conversation..
“Roman?” She prompted after a moment.
“Sorry I was distracted,” he grinned at her.
“I noticed, here take your son.”
Roman looked down at Sam seeing not himself in his son’s features but Ella, especially the freckles on his nose. He put him on the changing table before seeing to his nappy, grimacing as he opened it. Grabbing a handful of wipes he glared at Ella as he tackled the toxic waste that had somehow come from his son.
“It’s such a good job I love you,” he muttered.
“Hey, you were the one who wanted another kid,” she smirked over at him before leaving him there and heading out of the nursery.
Roman looked at his son before cursing as stream of urine arced up and hit his chest. He shot his hand out grabbing a nappy off the pile trying to stem it.
“Son, did your mother put you up to that?”
Sam looked up at him and gurgled.
Finally getting his boy into a clean nappy, he then dressed him before moving him over to his cot for a few minutes whilst he got changed himself, cleaning off his son’s handiwork before grabbing a fresh set of clothes. Dressed he moved back to the nursery and lifted Sam out of his cot he carried him down the stairs and over to his playpen. His eyes sought out Ella spotting her sitting out on the back veranda with Mike, the chess set on a table between them. He smiled at his children and then moved out to watch the game.

“Check and mate,” Ella said quietly.
“Ah, I hate you,” Mike muttered giving her a look.
“Going to hate me even more when I send you back to school in the morning aren’t you?”
“What no, Dad….” Mike groaned as his mother laughed at him before flushing.
“Sorry what was that?” Roman asked.
“You said if …” Mike stopped talking and looked from one to the other, “Okay, please can I stay home a couple of days?”
“I need to speak to your Dad about that,” Ella told him quietly, “We’ll let you know later. Now, do you want to get that game out for you and Brett to play? I’ve set up a TV in the store room.”
“When she means she’s set it up she got me to do it,” Roman put in.
“Okay,” Mike grinned and sprang from his chair racing over to where Brett was sitting with Amy-Belle. He spoke quietly to him before the two boys were racing off up the stairs.
Ella turned to Roman and began placing the pieces back on the chess board.
“If you beat me then he can stay home for a week…” she offered him a challenge.
Roman’s eyes narrowed as he looked at her she noticed.
“And since when have I ever beat you? I think that is an unfair bet.”
She leaned forward and lowered her voice, “If anyone was going to beat me at chess it would be you.”
“Oh really and why is that?”
“Because you change strategies if something isn’t working for you.”
“Always have a back-up plan.”
“Sometimes that isn’t enough.”
“I’ve noticed,” he said quietly sitting opposite her as she took black. He looked at the pieces and reached to take her queen off the board. “Sometimes you have to change things to get a fair advantage.”
“Sometimes even then things don’t work out how you plan.”
“No,” he agreed, “but then with most plans its best to think of them as more like guidelines,” he murmured as he moved his opening piece.
Ella looked at her queen sitting at the side of the board before she nodded agreement to play without it and made her first move with the knight.
Within a short space of time Aden and Geoff moved to watch them play, adding their own commentary to the proceedings.
“Are we going to get lunch soon?” Mike called out from the kitchen before he led Brett out to the veranda.
Ella knew that he’d spotted her queen at the side of the board from his expression, his eyes going wide.
“What’s happening?” Brett murmured to his dad.
“I think Roman is winning,” Aden muttered back.
“No freaking way!”
“Mike,” Ella muttered to her son.
“Sorry!”
Nic walked out of the house, Robbie balanced on her hip. “What’s going on?”
“Some kind of grudge match it seems,” Aden supplied.
“Got a comment Nicole?”
Ella started at Roman’s question and looking over at him and raising her eyebrow.
“No,” Nic replied meekly.
She looked at her stepdaughter before moving her piece on the board, “Check.”
“Dad…” Mike warned.
“I see it,” Roman told him.
“Mama,” Meggy called running out the back followed by Amy-Belle.
“What is it?” Ella asked looking at her daughter.
“Dins?”
Ella grinned looking at her daughter standing beside them and rubbing her belly. “Dada get you, he’s nearly finished!”
“Wife,” Roman grouched as she shot him a grin.
He moved his king out of check and looked at her.
“Maybe you should tell Mike what is at stake?”
“What?” Mike gasped.
She rolled her eyes at her husband’s manipulation.
“If your father wins then you get the week off….”
“And if you win I have to go back to school?” Mike guessed his face falling. She saw his disappointed expression and then looked over at Roman seeing his smirk. Dammit, she thought.
Glancing down at the board she knew she was five moves away from checkmate. She bit back a sigh before moving her bishop.
Roman looked down at the board and lifted his hand to move his knight. She gave a small shake of her head and he moved his hand slowly over the board until he saw her half nod. Moving his own bishop he countered her move. She did the same with the next few moves until Roman was winning the game.
“Come on Dad,” Mike called out.
“Dins,” Meggy muttered glaring at them all.
“In a minute babe,” she murmured to her daughter before being forced to pick her up and put her on her lap as Meggy started trying to climb up.
“I’s…” Meggy began looking at the pieces on the board.
“Hang on babes,” Ella said to her daughter, “Your move,” she added looking at Roman.
“Maybe we should resume the game after lunch?”
“No, Dad come on…” Mike sounded desperate.
“The other children are starting to stir,” Belle called from just inside the house.
“A break…” Roman began.
Meggy looked from one to the other before reaching out and grabbing Ella’s king off the board and as she moved the piece she managed to knock it off balance. Pieces slid off the board and fell to the veranda before the board itself toppled over.
“whoopsie…” meggy said giving everyone her innocent smile.
“Meggy… no…. noo….” Mike shook his head.
“Megs,” Ella muttered taking the chess piece from her hand before standing with her daughter and leading her inside.
“Hang on I think that means it was a draw….” Aden suggested.
“Technically, Ella’s king left the board so I win,” Roman called out.
She spun around and looked at them both before the pleading look in Mike’s eyes got to her again. For one second she was tempted to tell them she was the winner and knew she was going to hate the smug look on Roman’s face.
“My king left the board,” Ella said slowly.
“So Dad wins? Right? And I get to stay home? Right? That’s right isn’t it?”
She nodded in response to Mike’s over-excited appeal before carrying Meggy over to the other children and distracting her knowing that Roman would go and organise the lunch.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 31

Ella woke up and looked around. First a glance at her phone told her she’d overslept and then a glance around the bedroom convinced her that she was alone. Easing out of bed she moved over to the en suite and took a quick shower before dressing and heading down the stairs.
She heard Mike’s voice first recognising that he was talking to his siblings from his tone and found herself smiling at that before making her way into the kitchen.
“Morning,” Roman called out getting up from his seat at the table and coming over to her.
She met his kiss and returned it feeling the warmth of his touch as he stroked a hand down her arm.
“Shouldn’t they be in nursery?” she grouched.
“Uh huh, what do you want for breakfast?”
“A large coffee and cheese on toast?”
“I can do that,” he smiled at her and she gave him a narrow eyed look before heading to where Mike was. Pressing a kiss to the top of her elder son’s head she moved to sit next to him.
“I thought it would be good to go to the beach,” Mike put in quickly.
“You did huh?”
“If you feel up to it of course?” He added quickly.
“Mike,” she murmured.
“Yes?”
“Don’t baby me, I’m okay honestly. The beach sounds like a good idea but later when it cools down.”
“Okay,” he said brightening up.
“Here you go,” Roman placed a plate in front of her.
She tucked into the food noticing Mike giving her looks before glancing at Roman.
“Okay, spill,” she instructed.
“I need to… go shopping,” Mike muttered, “Like for stuff,” he added.
“Oh stuff,” Roman murmured, “I’m so glad we’re sending you to that exclusive boarding school.”
Ella glared at him for a second before glancing at Mike.
“Don’t take any notice of your father,” she cautioned, “he’s been grumpy for the past two years.”
“Only the past two years?”
Ella grinned at him.
“Well maybe a bit longer than that….”
“How did this get turned on to me?” Roman muttered placing a coffee in front of her before he sat down.
“You’re just that lucky,” Ella smirked at him.
She picked up the cup and took a long drink feeling the caffeine hit.
“So do you want your mother to take you shopping or me?”
“Mum,” Mike answered immediately.
“Oh great,” Roman murmured, “that means I get Meggy.”
“Roman,” Ella said reprovingly.
“Come on we all know what ….”
She laughed as he pouted at her before grinning as Meggy gave her father one of her innocent looks.
“Can we go after breakfast?”
“No, I’ll need to sort Sammy out,” Ella murmured knowing there weren’t enough bottles of expressed milk in the fridge.
Sophie glared at her before muttering, “Mama, no Sammy. Me’s Sammy you’s Sam.”
Roman smirked at her being told off by their daughter.
“Sam,” she corrected herself grinning as Sophie nodded at her.
“So I get four kids and you get one?” Roman muttered teasing her.
“I get the teenager,” Ella pointed out.
Mike huffed, “Thanks guys!”
She grinned at her son before finishing up her breakfast and then it was a trip to the nursery so she could express milk for Sam before they were able to make a move. She figured she owed Mike a few treats to make up for the fact that she hadn’t spent a lot of time with him recently hence the reason he had a new game for his computer, new school supplies and new clothes along with the things he’d wanted.
Walking into the house she collected the post and placed it to one side before heading to check on the children. All of them were asleep for a change and she grinned as she looked at them tucked up in their beds in the nursery.
“Hey,” Roman called softly from just outside their bedroom.
“Hey yourself,” she murmured back stepping over to him and pressing a swift kiss to his lips. She felt his hand graze down her back and couldn’t help the shudder that followed.
“What say you go for an afternoon nap?” he whispered close to her ear.
“Why do I get the feeling that you aren’t thinking of sleep right now?”
“However did you guess?”
She moaned as his lips grazed the side of her neck before turning in his arms and winding hers around his neck. As she felt him pressing her against his hard body she sighed as whispers of arousal travelled throughout her body. Her skin tingled at his touch and finally, when he kissed her she moaned thinking of how good it was to be in his arms, to be close to him. And to not feel any panic an insidious voice whispered inside her head.
“Mum.. oh…” Mike muttered racing out of his room and coming to a full stop when he saw them.
Ella gave Roman a rueful smile before easing away from him and looking at their son.
“Mike?”
“I was going to ask if we were having lunch yet and when we were going to the beach?”
“The kids are asleep so when they get up from their nap.”
“And lunch?”
“That’s your father’s department. I’m going for a lay down…” she said her eyes shining with mischief before she escaped and eased into the bedroom.
“Come on then,” Roman said as he led Mike away.
She closed the door then and after kicking off her shoes she settled down on the bed.

After returning from the beach they had a leisurely dinner before the younger children were tucked up in bed with Mike reading them their bedtime story. She couldn’t help but smile at the awestruck Meggy looking up at her big brother as he voiced all the characters. She led him downstairs after that and together they played one of the many board games they had as a film played on the TV in the background.
“Night,” Mike called on his way up to bed.
“Night son,” Roman murmured in response and she found herself smiling at that. Turning to him when Mike had gone up the stairs she leaned over and placed a soft kiss on his lips.
“Hello,” he whispered against her lips, “you do know I’m still mad at you for lunch,” he grouched.
“You won the chess game…. Deal with the consequences,” she giggled before gasping as he pulled her into his lap.
“Ha, we both know you fixed the game,” he said before kissing her again.
She ran her hands up his arms and wrapped them around his neck.
“He’ll be okay won’t he?”
“He’s fine, he’s seen that you are a lot better, getting out of the house and doing things again,” he said quietly before kissing her again.
“Erm… I can tell what kind of things you want me to be doing right now,” she whispered before kissing the side of his neck. She leaned close letting her body press against his before she nibbled on his earlobe.
“Oh,” he moaned.
Putting his hands up her top he stroked her back and then moved to cup her breasts groaning as he felt the absence of a bra.
“You like,” she whispered in his ear.
“You know I do, sexy witch,” he moaned.
“So are you ready for an early night?”
“I’m up for that,” he murmured grinning as she must have blushed.
“You!” She groaned before gasping as he lifted her up over his shoulder as he stood up and carried her out of the room and up the stairs, also managing to switch off all the lights at the same time. She gasped again when he placed her on the bed and joined her there, his hands roaming over her body.
As they slowly peeled the clothes from their bodies and began exploring each other again Roman managed to kiss every part of her body until she felt like her skin was humming with electrified arousal. She pulled him to her and wound her limbs around him hearing his throaty chuckle as he slowly joined his body with hers.
“Like this?” He whispered in her ear.
“Yes,” she moaned back her answer.
“Want more?”
“Oh yes…” she gasped.
He chuckled again before he drove them both over the edge.

The week managed to fly by, with Ella taking Mike out most days before they joined up with Roman and the other children for a treat. Picnics, trips to the zoo, the beach, and the diner, making it feel like a holiday. On his last day before Mike’s return to school she arranged to take him out for a spin on her motorbike. And every night she and Roman had made love, rekindling their relationship.
Mike, of course, had whispered to her just before he left to travel back to school with Roman that he knew she’d lost the chess game deliberately. She’d tried to look innocent but Mike had just given her one of those looks. Hugging him goodbye just a little bit longer than normal she’d watch him climb into the car next to Roman before they set off. Then it was distracting herself with the younger children until Roman texted her to let her know they’d arrived safely followed by another attempt at distraction until Roman arrived home.
She tried to tell herself that her reaction was normal but knew inside herself that it wasn’t. Not the level of panic she felt when Mike was out of her sight or the way she felt uneasy until Roman got back from dropping him off. Still considering the way she used to be, dreading every second that she didn’t have control of her emotions or events, Ella tried to congratulate herself on the progress she had made.
Glancing at her watch she left the children watching cartoons and playing as she went to fix dinner, Roman would want something to eat when he got back. She unconsciously fixed one of his favourite meals.

“Oh no, you look pensive!” She murmured as he walked in and over to her side. He kissed her cheek and then washed his hands getting ready for dinner, the children already seated at the table.
Roman turned at Ella’s words before he nodded and gestured to the long sofa the other side of the room. She gave him another frown before leaving the children safe in their highchairs and moving to sit on the sofa.
He sat next to her and handed her the letter he’d been holding on to for the past week and saw from her expression she understood why he’d been so distant.
“It’s notice of my annual training requirement,” he said quickly before she could panic and think it was worse, recall papers. Again.
“Annual? You didn’t go last year?”
He gave her a look, “no I deferred it on account of Meggy’s birth and then well, I was shot.”
“I see,” Ella murmured as she opened up the A4 piece of paper and read the words. “Perth?”
He nodded.
“When? I don’t see a date…” she panicked.
“Ella I can see if…” he tried to calm her but her hands were shaking and she gave the children frantic looks before tears began to slip down her face.
“You have to do it. You’re in the Reserves. You need to be current with your training, I understand that,” she mumbled quickly before thrusting the letter back at him.
Roman took the crumpled letter from her hands and straightened out the creases before folding it back up and putting it back in his pocket. He had another week before he had to respond so there was still time to organise things.
He watched as Ella fussed over the children helping them finish their dinner before she turned and gave him a slow smile.
“We could come with you,” she said softly.
“El?”
“You, we… well we were planning on being, on me being an army wife for a bit. Let’s do this, we can do this.”
“No El,” he moved quickly to stand next to her.
“It’s because of my mother, I know, and what I went through as a kid being bounced around army bases. But we should experience this, see what it would have been like if we’d got married in Afghanistan.”
“I never wanted the Army for you; I didn’t want you to think about …”
“I can do this, I want to do this, I think it would answer some of those questions we have in the back of our heads.”
“Ella, please no, you are barely back to normal. I mean well, and this could trigger stuff.”
“I get that and er, thanks for the compliment.”
“What compliment?”
“Calling me normal.” She grinned at him.
“Ha bloody ha,” he said and gave a rueful shake of his head because he’d picked up that phrase from her.
“We’d have to drive there, I’m sure Irene will look after the house and cats for us, it’s only two weeks. The kids will think of it as a holiday and Mike will love you forever for getting him on a real army base.”
“Are you not even listening to me?”
Ella pinned him with a look and slowly smiled.
“Of course I am, I mean I’ve not booked anything yet or started packing,” she murmured quietly.
“Ella Harris,” he groaned and rubbed a hand over his face like he always did when he was stressed.
“Roman go to work, do some cooking, think about what you want.”
“I want my wife well and happy,” he said immediately.
“She is; she’s a he…ck….of a lot better. She can go outside and she can leave Sam for more than five minutes. Her kids are in nursery, even with the threat of Meggy being expelled, she’s happy Roman, she really is and you know what…” Ella paused and looked at him her eyes shining with merriment, “She’s in love with her husband.”
“Well that’s good to know,” he shook his head before striding to her side and pulling her into his arms. He looked down into her eyes before he sighed again and kissed her. He felt her melt against him and for a millionth of a second he regretted they had kids because he wanted to lift her on to the table pull off their clothes and ravish her.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 32

“Next time I’m flying,” Ella muttered to herself as she climbed out of the car and walked around the front to where Roman was standing.
“Like to see you get away with that one,” he murmured looking into the car where their children were. Mike had ended up sitting between Meggy and Sophie because the two sisters had to be separated during the trip. Sam hadn’t travelled well and Georgie had joined in with the being sick part, in sympathy with his brother.
“Seriously can’t wait until Megs and Sophie are teenagers that’s going to be so much fun,” Ella murmured with a look in her eye.
“Convent,” Roman muttered under his breath.
“Let’s get sorted so I can release the hounds,” Ella murmured her hand slipping inside his.
He nodded and walked them over to the guardhouse stepping inside with her. She found herself feeling unease for the first time since they’d left home. Now it was serious, they were in Perth. Roman was about to put on a uniform for the first time since he’d been recalled and she couldn’t help feeling anxious about it despite the fact they’d talked this out, first between themselves and then with Rachel, before talking to their family. She looked at the imposing desk in front of them; complete with glass partition and security cameras she felt nervous all over again. All the unease she’d felt as a child coming to this very base when her father had been stationed here rushed back and she couldn’t stop the shudder that ran down her back. She knew Roman had picked up on it when he gave her a swift look.
“I’m okay,” she whispered stepping forward in line with him.
Finally their turn came and they presented their documentation, and after everything was processed they received ID cards in return, including appropriate ID for the children. The next stage of the process had them return to the car before being escorted to the base housing office. Another long wait ensued before they were handed keys, documentation and directions to the place they were going to call home for the next two weeks.
She let Roman drive there as she sat quietly feeling a strange sense of déjà vu.
“You okay?” She heard him ask.
“I’m fine,” she promised him reaching out and touching his knee briefly.
He nodded before pulling up outside a small house. She glanced at his profile before getting out of the car and standing beside it.
“They are joking right?” she found herself muttering.
“It’s…” Roman grinned at her as he walked around to her side of the car, “cosy,” he finished.
Opening the back door she looked over at Mike and gave him a small smile, “Can you keep an eye on them whilst we go look at the house?”
“Sure,” he murmured looking up from his book, “Oh, that looks…”
“Small, yeah we just decided that,” she smiled at her son before closing the door and moving with Roman over to the house. He put the key in the lock and cautiously opened the door before stepping through it.
“I think we’re going to have a problem,” Roman muttered as he moved through the house looking in the downstairs rooms. To say they were small was an understatement. The kitchen housed a cooker, fridge and three cupboards. Next to it was a pantry but most of the space in there was taken up by a huge antique looking washing machine.
“We can cope with this, it’s what’s upstairs that bothers me,” Ella told him.
“Come on then,” he took hold of her hand and walked up the stairs. She stopped outside the bathroom and peered inside seeing a stained sink and ancient bathtub.
“Euw no,” she muttered shaking her head.
“Remember we are doing this so you can get the army wives perspective,” he said tongue in cheek.
“This army wife won’t be putting out if she has to stay here,” Ella warned him grinning as he mock-pouted before smiling at her.
“Bedrooms,” he pointed out.
They walked over to the first room with Roman opening the door and stepping inside. He shot her a look over his shoulder before she eased in after him, seeing the double bed seeming to take over the small room.
“er…. “ she looked at him and then the bed before looking at him again.
“Well you won’t be able to escape me in that bed,” he muttered.
“And you won’t fit,” she said before blushing madly at his smug grin.
“I love it when you say sentences like that,” he proclaimed before moving swiftly to her side and pressing a kiss to her lips.
She tugged her hand away from his and turning she moved across the hall into the second bedroom. This had been set up with a bunk bed, two smaller beds and a cot, obviously this was supposed to be the master bedroom on account of its size but converted to fit all the children in. She gave a small frown before moving over to the beds and inspecting them.
“They are aware we have a teenager right?”
“Apparently not from the looks of this,” Roman had folded his arms and had a frown on his face.
“This will do for tonight but there is no way in hell we can stay here for two weeks,” she told him.
“Tonight? Are you sure?”
“The kids are tired and need to have a bath and run around for a bit,” she grimaced as she caught his expression.
“In that order?”
“Well no,” she muttered, “they need food too,” she added as she prodded him in the ribs.
“Woman, stop doing that!”
She chuckled at him before deftly moving away from him and down the stairs heading out of the house Sam was awake and bawling when she got to the car, with Mike trying to soothe his youngest brother. She claimed her son and led them all into the house, like a small progression whilst Roman began unloading things from the car.
“Shush Sammy,” Sophie called out.
“Yeah, we want that too,” Ella crooned in a sing-song voice.
Easing away from them she adjusted her clothing so that she could feed her son discreetly. He quietened immediately.
“Mama, me’s hungry,” Meggy declared putting her small hand on top of her belly.
“Me’s hungry,” Georgie added giving her a sad expression.
“I know babes, Dada feed you in a bit,” she promised.
“Huh,” Roman grunted catching the end of her sentence as he placed one of their suitcases inside the room. Under his other arm he had a crate of their toys perched at an angle and he grabbed that with both hands before getting it to the floor so they could investigate.
Meggy was the first one to dive into the box, pulling out her favourite doll first before placing it on the floor next to her. She looking over at Sophie standing next to her mum and took out Sophie’s doll next before toddling over to her.
“I gets you,” she said in a soft voice almost throwing the doll at her sister in her haste.
“Ta’s,” Sophie said politely before she smiled and hugged her doll.
Georgie had tugged out one of their jigsaw puzzles and had tipped the contents over the floor. He began trying to put the pieces together before giving up and taking out one of the books. Opening it he sat down on the floor crossing his legs as he looked at the pages.
“I reads,” Meggy offered.
“No no, me’s reads. You go away!” Georgie muttered.
Meggy glared at her brother before she nodded and began looking back in the crate, her curiosity stopping her from having a strop.
“I need his bag, can you…” Ella said to Roman.
“Mike is bringing the things from the car,” he murmured before setting off himself to make another trip.
After Mike walked in he placed Sam’s bag next to her. “Here, you wanted this?”
“Thanks,” she gave him a smile before opening the bag and getting out what she needed from it. She noticed that Mike had placed his laptop bag carefully on the small dining table before joining his dad back outside. She dealt with Sam’s appallingly stinky nappy before settling him down on the sofa with some of his toys to keep him occupied. She set the suitcase next to the sofa making sure that he couldn’t roll off it before she set to work organising the children’s toys and setting out a play area for them.
After lunch she and Roman sorted out the bedrooms before they settled the children down for long needed naps with Mike even joining them for an afternoon sleep, settling on the top bunk with Georgie being awestruck at being allowed on the bunk bed with his elder brother. She’d teared up over that, feeling emotional at the way her kids were with each other before Roman had led her away and down the stairs. He’d sat on the sofa with her as he reviewed his paperwork and she’d drifted off to sleep.

Roman frowned as he waited to see his commanding officer, the man in charge of organising the training requirements for reservist staff. He and Ella had ended up spending the night on the sofa as Mike had their bedroom. Their elder son had a disturbed night when Sam had woken them, followed then when Meggy had become fretful, not liking waking up in a strange place. Ella had taken charge, dispatching him down stairs to the sofa to sleep whilst she settled all the children. He’d teased her about making sure she put on socks before joining him on the sofa and she’d glared at him for a millisecond before giving him one of her special smiles, the kind that made getting up every day worthwhile.
“Lt Harris,” he heard called from behind him as the door opened. He stood up a little straighter, pushing his shoulders back.
“Sir,” he murmured immediately when the other man came into view.
“I’m Major Simons; we run the training programme here. First let me state that I’m not in favour of reservists such as yourself coming through this programme,” he began as he sat down behind his desk.
Roman felt his shoulders tensing and forced himself not to say anything, he was back in this hierarchy where the commanding officer was in charge, where he wore a uniform he thought feeling the texture of the rough fabric against his skin. It was so much more confining than his usual attire of shorts and a t-shirt.
“Would that be reservists in general or ones with my particular record, Sir?” Roman asked after a moment, ensuring that his gaze didn’t linger on the seated Major.
“We both know that your security classification means we can’t just let you roam out there so that leaves the SAS with a problem. The solution is to keep a check on you. You’ve read over what the training requirement is?”
“Yes Sir,” Roman murmured immediately.
“Then we won’t have a problem will we?”
“No Sir, no problem.”
“Dismissed,” The Major told him without changing his expression or body language.
Roman immediately straightened up even more if that were possible as he stood to attention and threw his hand up in a salute. He waited a heartbeat, his arm starting to feel the tension of holding that pose before his salute was returned and he was able to turn and leave the room.
Once outside the room he was stopped by a Sargent before being shown to the gym, where he and other reservists were given a Health and Safety brief on using the facility. From there it was a tour of the base, including shooting ranges, before lunch in the canteen. He mucked in with the other ranks, getting to know the people he would be training with for the next two weeks.
The afternoon was taken up with further briefing materials on the latest position in Afghanistan and Iraq, the security concerns in other Middle East countries and finally threats to Australia itself.
By the time he went home his head was buzzing with information. Walking slowly to the house they had been assigned he stopped at the door and removed the message that had been taped there.
‘Call me asap! Got us upgraded! El xx” he read before reaching for his phone and dialling. Ella answered on the first ring as though she’d had the phone in her hand waiting.
“Hey soldier,” she greeted him.
“Hey yourself, upgraded?”
“Hang on, Sophie stop it, you’ll see Dada in a bit,” Ella said before he heard the rustle of movement coming from her end as she must have moved.
“El?”
“Sorry, kids are a bit unsettled, yeah, I found out that I have excellent negotiation skills with the housing officer,” she murmured.
He heard a man’s laughter in the background and winced at the spasm of jealousy that went through him. Not for the first time did he feel that way about his beautiful wife true, but he thought he had a handle on it.
“So where are you?”
“I’m coming to get you, just grabbed my keys. Stay there won’t be long.”
He heard the tone in his ear that told him the call was disconnected and he swore before putting his phone away. If she’d told him the address he could have walked there, he grouched to himself .
Damn he was tired. Like bone achingly tired and the worst thing was this wasn’t even the first proper day’s training. Tomorrow he had a session in the gym staring at 5:30am and then more briefings followed by lunch and then in the afternoon there was a drill and a session at the firing range. He hadn’t run in army boots and uniform for more years than he cared to remember, not counting the few months he’d been away before the twins were born.
Lost in his thoughts it took a couple of seconds before he recognised the car pulling up with Ella behind the wheel.
“Hey soldier, can I offer you a lift?” She called out to him,
“I don’t know,” he shot back, ”Would it be worth my while?”
“Depends on what you want?”
Roman grinned and moved over to the car climbing inside, he smiled again after Ella leaned forward and kissed him.
“Hey you,” he murmured.
“Hey back,” she said and kissed him again before reluctantly easing away from him.
“So where do we live now?”
“It’s got four bedrooms,” she murmured, “but well one of them is already in use.”
“El?”
She gave him a smile, the one he characterised as her innocent smile and he grimaced in response.
“You’ll see,” she murmured as she drove.
A few minutes was all it took for them to get there and he immediately saw Mike standing in the driveway of the house playing with a basketball, easily tossing it through the hoop on the garage.
“Ella Harris,” he muttered as he climbed out of the car.
“Hey dad,” Mike called, “Want a game?”
“Maybe later,” Roman muttered and by later he meant at the end of the week when he’d recovered a bit.
Ella led him inside the house; she immediately moved to check on Sam before turning to him and gesturing with her hand.
“This is the living room, kitchen through there and…”
“Whose house is this Ella?”
“Dada dada dada….” Sophie shouted out excitedly running in from the kitchen.
Roman caught hold of his little girl before lifting her up. He cradled her on his hip and then turned.
“George,” he murmured, although not in the friendliest of tones.
“Roman, I didn’t realise that you’d be here.”
“I’m sure,” he looked at Ella and saw the pleading look in her eyes causing him to bite back on what he was going to say.
“Comes sees Dada….” Sophie murmured leaning towards the kitchen.
Roman nodded and walked in the direction his daughter wanted him to go. He wasn’t happy about this, not one little bit. Ella had known her father was here at the base and she’d deliberately set him up. He let himself be distracted by his children Ella had them baking in the kitchen and he joined in, then it was dinner, followed by getting the children to bed and finally he turned in himself, alone because Ella knew he wanted to talk to her and she was avoiding being alone with him.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 33

“It’s been three days you can either start talking or find a divorce lawyer, R.” Ella read out quietly to herself. She looked at the text message again, no ‘xx’ at the end. Although mentioning a divorce lawyer did kinda take the romance out of things, and she suspected that he wasn’t altogether joking.
Looking over at the kids playing in the back garden of her dad’s house she missed hearing the front door go and her father coming back for lunch.
“Hello,” he said quietly, “Roman out?”
“You know very well he is,” she muttered putting her phone away.
“It’s not been hard to notice the atmosphere between you two. What’s going on Princess?”
“He didn’t know you’d be here.”
“Did you mention that you didn’t know either?”
“Didn’t actually get that far,…” she shrugged.
“Ah… so he thinks this is some kind of set up.”
She nodded, “Got it in one Dad,” she took a drink of her coffee and glanced at Sam in the playpen she’d set up near the kids. Mike was out on a bike ride and as much as she hated not knowing the exact location of her elder son she could trust him not to stray from the base. Not to mention that he had his phone with him.
“Then you need to talk to him. How about I look after the kids tonight and you go out to dinner?”
Her eyes strayed to her father’s face and she slowly shook her head. “Too late for dinner. Roman needs to be somewhere he can shout.”
“Really? He’s that mad at you? I can’t remember him ever shouting at you.”
“Maybe you should sit down,” Ella said gently watching his face as an immediate expression of unease crossed his features.
She guided him over to the dining table and sat down herself, selecting the seat that would allow her to monitor the children.
He took hold of her free hand and looked closely at her, “What’s wrong Princess?”
“I suppose you could say that I’ve have a bit of a breakdown,” she murmured quietly, her voice so low that she could barely hear the words herself.
“Why didn’t you tell me I could have helped,” were his first words.
“No-one could have helped Daddy; I didn’t even let Roman know I was so bad.”
Her father sighed and glanced over at the children, “I take it that is why Roman is so upset right now?”
“He’s tired, working hard and stressing about me being here away from home and Rachel.”
“Rachel Armstrong?”
Ella smiled briefly, “Holden actually Dad, but yeah, that Rachel. She’s my therapist.”
“And is she helping?”
“She got me out of the house,” Ella shrugged.
“Your Mum suffered agoraphobia,” he said quietly.
“I remember.” Ella shrugged trying not to focus on her mother.
“How do you feel being back on an army base?”
“Well, living with you it’s been like coming home again. I’m sure Roman has appreciated it,” she added rolling her eyes.
“It really does sound like you need to talk to him Princess,” he murmured and suddenly she felt as though she was a kid again. She shot him a smile before draining her cup.
“I know I do, he deserves me to be honest with him but, well, he just gets so angry and I don’t know how to handle it.”
“Are you telling me he…”
“God no, Daddy, he doesn’t hurt me no, sorry didn’t mean to imply that at all. No it’s me. It’s in here,” she gestured to her head, “This doesn’t know how to handle his anger or disappointment. I mean logically there’s talking things through and working on them until you both are in a place where everything is okay, but I don’t think logically anymore,” she looked at her cup and saw that it was empty. It had been her second cup of strong coffee because getting up several times in the night with the kids along with going to bed late didn’t mix well.
“that’s good to hear but you know if he laid a finger on you I’d….”
“Ship him off to Afghanistan?”
“In a heartbeat,” George smiled at his daughter and she grinned back before sprinting up as she heard Sam give a cry from outside.
“He’s fine, he’s fine, he’s…” she muttered under her breath as she forced herself not to run out to him.
“Ella?”
“Sorry, my er… stressor is Sam. I have panic attacks about him.” She muttered.
“I can imagine that after what happened to him it would be hard to trust others to take care of him but he’s fine. He’s a bonny lad,” she heard her dad saying.
Blinking she turned and faced him, “He is, and he’s my precious lad, just you call him Sammy in front of Sophie though,” she murmured slowly.
“I’ve noticed she’s got a bossy streak,” George grinned, “and your other lad, he’s a natural leader.”
“Don’t get any ideas Dad, none of my kids will be going into the army. Speaking of army when are you going to retire and go fishing with Alf?”
She grinned as he chuckled at her.
“Distracting me so I don’t comment on how much Meggy is like you? She’s a born troublemaker,” he murmured.
“Keep saying stuff like that and I’ll set her on you,” Ella said before finally heading out to her grizzling son. She scooped him up out of his playpen and sat him on her hip before walking down the garden and over to the other children.
Sam leaned forward reaching out towards his siblings and she found herself laughing at him.
“Want to see Sophie?” She asked him.
“Sammy Sammy,” Sophie called in a sing song voice as she noticed him.
Ella eased down on the grass and let Sam down too. He pushed himself up and began to crawl towards his sister, Sophie’s delighted giggles spurring him on.
On cue Meggy ran over to them and began trying to get her attention.
“Definitely like you,” George commented easing down on the grass next to her and scooping his granddaughter into his arms.
“I’m okay Dad, just got to take one moment at a time,” she said slowly as she met his gaze and noticed his still worried expression.
“Is it just Sam? Or…”
“The whole thing really,” Ella said quickly hoping he’d pick up on what she meant without her having to go into detail.
“Just too much for you to deal with?”
“Yeah,” she nodded.
“I guess I can understand that. How is Roman taking it?”
“He’s been great, honestly. He does more than his fair share with the kids. All the shopping and ferrying them to and fro,” she grimaced.
“So he’s stressed too?”
“Dad he…” she glanced at her children before smiling as Sam picked a flower out of the grass and held it out to Sophie. “He wants to fix me. Make it all better and that he can’t, well that breaks something inside of him,” she sighed.
“I can understand where he’s coming from,” Her father said quietly.
“Sorry Daddy, I wasn’t meaning to bring it all back up again,” Ella knew her voice was stricken.
“It’s okay Princess, it was a long time ago, I just know how Roman feels and well you’re my daughter too,” he said quietly placing his arm around her and pulling her close to him.
She let herself be comforted for a few seconds before grinning as Meggy whinged in her arms, obviously feeling left out. Lifting her to her feet she guided her over to where her siblings were playing and watched as she toddled off to join them.
“I know how hard this is for him Dad, I just want to make it all okay,” she murmured, “and I can’t. I’m only just getting control back.”
“Control over your feelings? Ella, sweetheart, I tried to get help for you when you were younger because you controlled your feelings too much. When your mother hit you that time you stopped being a child. You closed off everything inside of you. If I could have been home more I … Well I can’t ever shake the guilt that I failed you as a father. I’m supposed to protect my children and…” he shook his head, “If the situation was happening again and you were doing to your children what your mother did to you I know Roman wouldn’t stand for it, he wouldn’t send them off to boarding school and stay in the relationship….”
“Daddy, I beat myself up every day when I think about Meggy and… just the ‘what if’ bit. What if Gardy….” Ella flinched at the name even though it came from her own lips, “We even talked about giving her up for adoption,” she said checking that they couldn’t hear her.
“I’m glad you didn’t, she’s so precious El, she’s so like you,” he said softly.
“She’s an evil little madam,” Ella grinned at her daughter.
“Exactly,” he shot out immediately.
“There is something I need to talk to you about,” she finally said.
“What is it?”
“I… love you right, you’re my Dad and this isn’t ever going to change…”
Her father sighed. “But you want to track him down?”
“I need to, I don’t know if I can explain it I just need to see who he is… maybe there is something that he’s passed on through me and…” her eyes strayed back to her children. Sam was sitting with Sophie who was telling him some story about fairies and princesses and Meggy and Georgie were playing with a ball pushing it back and forth between them.
“This isn’t easy for me Princess; the man was army so the address I gave you was the last one registered with Army personnel. I have no idea if he’s still there.”
“He wasn’t one of your men was he?”
“Thank god no, I don’t know what I would have done. No, we were stationed in the Hempstead Barracks in Adelaide when it happened.”
“Daddy did you know him?”
“I’d seen him around but no, I can’t say I knew the man. Your mum didn’t report it until a long time after it happened. By then you were on the way. She went to counselling on and off for years until her drinking and depression really got bad and then she saw a psychiatrist.”
“Thank you for telling me,” Ella pressed a swift kiss to his cheek before easing up and moving over to where her children were. She busied herself playing with them before dinner, bath and bed time came around. Roman hadn’t returned and she began to worry about him before getting a text saying he was going to be late.
She set up a game of cards with Mike and her dad before it was Mike’s bedtime and with still no sign of Roman she debated going to bed instead settling down on her Dad’s sofa and watching a movie until her husband got home.

“In here,” George murmured quietly to the other man.
Roman flinched before he followed him as he led the way into the kitchen.
“She saved some dinner back for you,” George was saying as he moved to the fridge and took out a couple of beers and handed one over to him.
“Thanks,” Roman knew that his tone was as cold as the beer in his hand but he couldn’t help it. Ella needed to talk to him and he couldn’t put up with this half marriage anymore.
“She stayed awake as long as possible but the kids wore her out,” George paused, “that and the chat we had this afternoon. I don’t know if you are aware but my daughter and I don’t have weekly telephone conversations. We have intermittent emails and sometimes the occasional text message. We’re still struggling to get … our relationship back after being apart for so many years,” he was saying.
Roman looked at the bottle in his hand before sinking into a seat at the kitchen table.
“No, I don’t know. Because Ella doesn’t tell me. She doesn’t tell me half the stuff she should.”
“She’s never been chatty about stuff that…”
“George,” he interrupted, “As well-meaning as this is, please don’t interfere between me and my wife. Of course I understand why Ella is the way she is, but she needs to change. If she can’t trust me who can she trust,” Roman stood and drained the beer. “Thanks for the drink,” he muttered placing the empty bottle on the table before he turned away.
“Did you know she wanted to know about her biological father?”
“Yes, but strangely I think it’s a bad idea not that she’d listen to me,” Roman kept his head down before taking another step out of the kitchen.
“Roman please…”
“Please what George? I’m tired and I just want to get a shower and go to bed. At least my wife is talking to one of us,” Roman said bitterly.
He strode away from the other man and paused near the stairs before looking over at the long sofa where Ella lay sleeping, the baby monitor clutched in her hand. Changing his mind he turned and moved over to her side, sweeping her up in his arms before carrying her up the stairs.
“Hey soldier, I’m not that easy,” she whispered sleepily pressing her lips to the side of his neck as she pressed herself against him.
“Please don’t Ella,” he murmured quietly.
He felt her stir in his arms and come fully awake, sensing her blinking up at him.
“I can walk,” she murmured demurely.
“We’re here now,” he laid her down on the bed before walking around the bed and sitting the other side.
“I was…”
“Your father told me that you were waiting up for me,” he said as he unlaced his boots. He smiled grimly as his feet gave a sigh of relief at finally being freed from the footwear. He wriggled his toes, knowing he had new blisters from today’s run and carefully eased off the socks he’d been wearing. He stripped off the rest of his clothes before grabbing his robe and pulling that on.
“Roman…”
“Get some sleep I’m going for a shower,” he said without looking at her.
He sensed that she was looking at him but he didn’t say anything else, just moved into the bathroom across the landing. The shower made his aching body feel better but not much else and he couldn’t linger any longer in the bathroom like he was avoiding his wife because of course he wasn’t.
He dried off before pulling on the robe again and heading back into the bedroom. Ella had switched on his bedside lamp and was sitting up in bed waiting for him.
“Roman, I didn’t know my father was here, there were no bigger places for us to have. We would have struggled in that house and I know that was part of the experience but honestly,” she bit her lip as she looked at him.
“Doesn’t matter anymore,” he shot back before walking back around the bed. Taking his pyjamas out, he pulled them on and got into bed beside her before turning and setting his alarm. Moving the pillow he settled down in the bed his back to her before switching off the light.
He heard Ella moving beside him in the bed and crunched down on the impulse to turn towards her. She was the love of his life but right now he just didn’t know what to say to her. Closing his eyes he sighed as he fought his natural inclination to move to his wife’s side.

Ella waited several dozen heartbeats before she moved in the bed and slowly put her arm around her husband. She felt the steady rise and fall of his chest indicating that he was asleep. Pressing her cheek to the middle of his back she closed her eyes and pretended for a few moments that everything was okay between them.

Roman woke when he felt her tears against his skin. He gave another sigh before rolling over in the bed and pulling her completely into his arms.
“Going to be okay,” he said his lips pressing gently against her temple.
“I can’t do this without you,” she whispered.
“I can’t do this if you don’t talk to me,” he countered.
“I’m trying Roman, I’m really…”
“Shush,” he leaned down and kissed her lips cutting off the frantic words.
Maybe they were both overtired, both emotional. Maybe this was stirring up memories for her that he didn’t know about, her mother for example. He had to give her a chance he rationalised.
“No, I’m trying to tell you things but I’m scared,” she said frantically.
“Scared of me?”
“No no, never, no it’s me Roman, it’s all me. I’m scared I don’t know how to react to you. We need to have a fight, a really big end of our marriage fight so I know we can shout at each other.”
“I’m getting confused here I thought we were making up and you want to fight?”
“I don’t want to fight I just know we need to. We haven’t fought not properly since him.”
He couldn’t control the shudder at the mention of the other man whilst he was holding his wife in his arms.
“Fine when would you like this fight? How about Friday?”
“I’m serious, you’re mad at me right now aren’t you? Well I get why but it….”
“Ella.”
“Yes?”
“Go to sleep because I have to be up in four hours and on an assault course.”
“Oh…”
She moved closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder just as he settled down in the bed.

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 34

Ella filled in the details on the form with a trembling hand. She was sitting in the outer office of the psychiatrist that had once treated her mother not because she needed the help, she’d had various phone calls to Rachel in the past week that had helped her when she and Roman had fallen out, but no it was the fact that this office would have details of her mother’s treatment. Details of her mother’s mental state if not illness and she needed to see that information.
She still couldn’t believe that she was here, doing this. She’d been one to follow the rules most of her life and now not only was she going to break a few hundred of them she was going to possibly break the law and worse than that she was going to go behind Roman’s back.
“Miss …. Harrison?”
She flinched as she heard the name called out, panicking she’d added the ‘son’ to the end part of it and then mentally kicked herself that she’d assumed a name so close to her own.
“Here,” she said her voice croaky.
“If you’d like to come this way?”
She stood from the padded seat in the waiting room and walked the way she was directed into the doctor’s office. He was a kindly looking man, with a full beard covering his face. She searched her memory for signs that she’d met him before or had been here but nothing came.
“I …” she murmured.
“Please take a seat, Miss…” he paused and gave her a look, “Harrison.”
She flushed and avoided his eyes looking down at the carpet beneath her feet, the purple swirls of the pattern distracting her for a few brief seconds before taking a seat where he’d indicated. She found herself looking down at her hands folded carefully in her lap.
“I’m…” she began slowly.
“Perhaps we could start by going over a few rules. Anything said in this room is confidential, if that is what is worrying you Miss… er … Harrison?”
Ella looked over at him and sighed, “It’s Mrs. Mrs Harris. I… I found out recently that you treated my mother and I wanted to speak to you about it.”
He gave her a look, “Anything between myself and another patient is confidential Mrs Harris.”
“I understand that but well my mother is dead now, she committed suicide. I have questions that she can’t answer. Recently, well at the moment I’m going through a lot of stuff and I’ve been told that my Mother went through the same kind of things.”
“Mrs Harris, I mean this quite kindly, there is very little that I would be able to divulge in any case. My role here would simply be as your psychiatrist.”
She looked over at the man, taking in his blue eyes framed elegantly by the black framed glasses he was wearing perched just so on his slightly too large nose and the small thin lips. Listed separately he didn’t sound particularly handsome but there was a kindness in his expression that endeared him to others. He was just slightly taller than herself and had a corresponding slim build. Coupled together she didn’t find him imposing when he’d stood next to her, or now when he was sitting across from her.
“I understand,” she began before pausing to shake her head at her use of the word again. She did understand but surely there had to be something he could tell her?
Looking down at her shoes she smiled at the pointed stilettos she’d chosen to wear. She hadn’t worn high heels for nearly two years, not since before she’d been pregnant with Sam. Her son had caused her ankles to swell to the size of balloons, let alone all the other complications with that pregnancy.
“Unless there is something else I can do for you…”
He left the sentence open and as she was about to say no, she thought about Roman. He deserved her well and without Rachel she knew she’d not had a relapse but not focused on her recovery, using the excuse of being the other side of the country not to continue with the exercises.
“I’m agoraphobic. I’ve…” she paused and looked at her arms; the faint white lines the only reminder. “cut myself. I have depression. I panic when my son cries and I can’t get to him.”
He settled back in his seat and gave her a friendly look, “perhaps we could start at the beginning,” he suggested.
Ella nodded and took a deep breath before she began to talk. Now was not the time to keep things bottled up.

Roman eased in the front door and sighed. No kids greeted him but then he hadn’t expected them to be awake, it was late and he was exhausted. He couldn’t remember basic training being this tiring and for about the hundredth time inside his head he called himself a wuss.
“Hey,” Ella called softly.
He grimaced at the ache in his legs as he moved to where her voice came from, the kitchen. There he saw two trays complete with plates of food and drinks.
“El?”
“I was hoping to have this done but well…” she grimaced before relaxing her face and half nodding, “anyway, kids are in bed. Mike is probably still awake he wanted to ask you something. My Dad has gone away for a couple of days. Thought we could have dinner in our room so you can relax…” she flushed as he looked at her.
“I see, well I better go see Mike,” he murmured and spun on his heel and marched out of the room. Only when he was halfway up the stairs did he realise that he hadn’t kissed her or given her any kind of greeting. Berating himself for the lapse he continued to Mike’s room pausing in the doorway and watching their son. Mike was tucked up in bed, a light on beside him as he struggled to stay awake waiting for him. That put a smile on his face and he chuckled at the expression on Mike’s face as he caught sight of him standing there.
“Dad!” he gasped out.
“So you want to ask me something?” Roman approached the bed and perched on the side of it. He looked down and saw the book the boy was reading, army history and he frowned before easing his face into a neutral expression. No matter how he and El were doing he knew that Mike’s interest in the army was going to be a blow to the relationship sooner or later.
“I have spoken to Mum already so …” Mike bit his lip anxiously before continuing, “I want.. no, is it possible I can go to the firing range and…”
Roman gasped, “What?”
Mike sucked in a breath, “Can I go on the firing range? I spoke to Granddad and he said sometimes it can be done so I asked Mum and she said that I had to ask you that if I was serious I needed….”
“Whoa,” Roman held up his hand, “Let’s start by taking a breath here shall we?” He knew his tone was too harsh when he saw Mike flush and look down at his book. “Sorry, I’m tired it’s been a long day. Mike I don’t know if I can take you to the firing range and even if I do then well your Mother and Army don’t get along. I’m not too sure she’d be impressed if I give you weapons to fire. Despite all that, I’ll have a think about it and let you know,” he promised before moving to his side and leaning down to give his son a kiss.
“Okay…” Mike murmured still looking downcast.
“Why don’t you have a think about other things we can do here in case …” Roman stopped as he heard a sound behind him. Turning his head he looked over and saw Ella.
“He asked you then?” She murmured.
“He did and I don’t know is the answer,” Roman said straightening up and looking at her.
“Which is the response I gave him.”
He smiled gratefully and then grimaced. Why should he be grateful he muttered inside his head, before they would have discussed something like this and then he stopped his racing thoughts. No. Ella and army didn’t mix. There was no discussion she would have said no immediately and he flinched just for a fraction of a second because there they were on an army base, with him back in uniform. God help him he’d loved being back in uniform again and had barely given Ella a second thought the past few days.
He’d been hiding behind her not talking to him to cover up how much he was enjoying being here.
“Right then, time to get some sleep,” Ella moved over to her son’s side and removed the book from his hands and marking the place he’d got to she put it on the bedside cabinet. Mike sighed but slipped down under the covers and allowed himself to be tucked in before his light was switched off and they moved out of his room, closing the door too behind them.
“I…” he began.
“I’ve brought your dinner up to the bedroom, why don’t you grab a shower and get comfortable.”
He nodded and moved through to the bedroom pausing to look in where the other children were sleeping. Sam was rolled on his side with his bear pulled up close to him. Roman smiled at that before realising it wasn’t his bear but Sophie’s. His daughter must have been taking care of her little brother again he thought slowly before catching the expression on Ella’s face.
“What’s wrong?” He asked quickly.
“I don’t know whether I feel proud of Sophie or guilty that she seems to think she has to somehow cover for me.”
“El,” he flinched at the raw pain in his wife’s voice before pulling her into his arms. “Our daughter is taking care of Sammy because she watches what you do. She’s copying you,” he said hastily.
“You think that is it? Because she hated Meggy,” Ella bit her lip.
“She didn’t like that you seemed to be upset because of Meggy. Our Princess is very protective, they must get that from me,” he said quietly.
Ella eased out of his arms and looked up at him, “Okay then, we’ll go with that and I’ll try to stop worrying about it.”
“Really? You’ll stop worrying about it?”
“I said I’d try,” she muttered and poked him in the ribs.
He couldn’t stop the grin on his face at that moment despite the fact that it earned him another poke in the ribs.
Walking ahead of him into the bedroom he saw that she’d thought this out, organising a small table in their room with a couple of chairs and even lit candles and the side lights to give it a softer feel.
“Am I about to be seduced?”
He laughed as she blushed and glared at him at the same time before he moved around the bed and began unlacing his boots again. His left ankle gave a twinge and he flinched remembering now how it had twisted earlier on his morning run. There was some slight bruising to it as he pulled off both his boot and sock.
“What have you done?”
“Nothing just a slight sprain,” he said slowly. Taking off the rest of his things he stood up testing the weight on his ankle even as he reached for his bathrobe. “Back in a bit,” he murmured kissing her on the way out to the bathroom.

He didn’t just feel clean and refreshed from the shower but a few aching muscles eased. Moving back into the bedroom he saw Ella sitting on one of the chairs and looking pensive. Slipping into the chair opposite her he gave her a slight smile as he reached for the beer she’d placed by his plate.
“I saw a psychiatrist today. It was the one my Mum went to.”
“Okay,” he said taking a swig from the bottle.
“I went because I wanted to find out …” she paused and gave him a look. It was one he recognised from Meggy, an Innocent but troublemaking kind of look.
“Ella?” he prompted.
“I went to see what I could find out about my mother. I wanted to know if she … well if I were the same as her. What…kind of things of she went through.”
“And did you find out anything?”
“He wouldn’t tell me. But.. well I had a good session with him. I talked through a lot of things.”
“Sounds good.”
“So I … we.. where are we Roman? I know that I’ve…”
“We are eating this food,” he said simply, “You’ve told me. We’re spending time together. As its Saturday tomorrow let’s find some place to take the kids for a day out.”
“You don’t need to be…”
“I need to be here with you,” he told her simply surprised at how comforting a thought that was. She still looked pensive as though she was on edge or expecting him to say something else, no doubt about her visit to the shrink.
“Roman we still need to talk don’t we? About what’s been happening. I honestly had no idea my Dad was here when…”
“El, shush. It’s okay. I was upset but that’s in the past. We’re talking. It’s fine.”
He gestured to the food and she nodded before starting to slowly eat.
“So what do you want to do tomorrow? I could take a look on the…”
“El stop,” he caught hold of the hand she used to gesture to where her phone was sitting on the bedside cabinet. “Let’s finish eating, slip into bed and just relax. Tomorrow will sort itself out.”
“Oh as if, Mr-I-need-plans-in-writing-three-weeks-beforehand!”
He chuckled before leaning across the table and kissing her surprising them both. That only reminded him just how distant they’d been this week and how much he’d missed these little signs of affection between them.
Pulling his thoughts back from where they were headed he finished his meal and drained the rest of the beer.
“I’ll clear…”
“Leave it,” he said smirking as she blushed at him.
“Roman…”
“I was just planning on relaxing for the rest of the evening,” he murmured.
He moved over to the bed and grinned as she quickly changed into a nightdress and joined him under the covers. Moving the pillows behind them he put his arm around her and smiled as she relaxed.
“So Sophie has been trying to get Sam to crawl.”
“Already?”
“Just be thankful Mike hasn’t taught him chess yet,” she chuckled.
“Yet,” he added.
“So.. er… “
“We could keep talking about the kids or we could talk some more about us?”
“Maybe we …”
He felt the heat from her face radiate out to him as she blushed once more.
“You mean…” He demonstrated by lowering his lips to hers and kissing her. It suddenly seemed a very long time since they’d last made love and he felt his body demanding more than kisses. Her tentative responses grew more passionate and soon the feel of her hands on his skin had him easing her down under the covers before they made love.

[TelephotoMarigold]

 

Chapter 35

 

 

Roman walked out of his commanding officer’s office in a state of shock.  The same man who’d been so disparaging about him when he’d first reported for duty had just asked him if he’d consider staying on for a year as training officer for the new recruits.  Sure he’d consider it, he thought with a grimace thinking of Ella and her reaction. Already wearing a uniform felt like pulling on a second skin and the boots no longer felt heavy and cumbersome.  He was at home here on the camp, enjoying the camaraderie with the others doing their training alongside him.

He dismissed the idea as soon as he had it. Ella wasn’t well, and he’d already dragged her across country away from everything familiar.  There was no way he’d let her sacrifice anything else for him.

A glance at his watch told him he had time to head home for lunch and he turned abruptly going in that direction. It was time to pay attention to his wife and family and stop letting the army seduce him. He wasn’t a solider he was a family man with a loving wife and that is what he needed to focus on.

His mind distracted he barely noticed that he’d reached the house until he saw the door open and Mike rushing out.

“Dad!”

“Hey,” Roman murmured looking around as he walked down the shaded front path.

“I was just going to the park to use my skateboard,” Mike explained and flushed when Roman nodded at him.

“I think I could tell that,” he murmured pointing to the board in Mike’s hand.

“Oh,” the boy’s mouth opened and closed before he lowered his head.

“Go on, we can catch up tonight,” Roman gestured behind him.

“Oh, cool,” Mike shot off, dropping the board to the pavement and climbing on it. He pushed off with one foot and zoomed off.

Roman watched for a couple of minutes before he opened the front door and stepped inside. He caught Ella standing in the kitchen with Sam perched on her hip, no longer the baby, he was now growing big and crawling.  How much would he miss out on if he took the posting? Already he was barely spending any time with them, being out early in the morning and coming back long after they were in bed.

“Hey you,” Ella called in a happy sounding voice.

He started before striding over to her and pressing a deep kiss on her lips, more passionate than he’d intended and from the look on her face it was something that caused her to frown in puzzlement at him.

“Hey yourself,” he said back slowly.

“Kinda wondering what you have in mind for lunch after that kiss,” she stated trying for a sassy tone and he felt his heart thumping because she couldn’t quite carry it off. 

“Maybe I came for some sugar,” he murmured leaning over and taking Sam from her arms. He cradled his son before placing a kiss on his head.  “What have you done with the others?”

“Others? We have others?”

He smiled at the joke and leaning over again he kissed her soft lips. She was so beautiful and in that second he decided that he there was no way he was going to hurt her by even mentioning the opportunity he’d been given. Even if he wanted it.

“I saw Mike on the way out,” he commented because he knew he’d gone silent on her.

She shrugged, “He’s enjoying being here.”

“Then I’m glad we’ve given him this chance…”

“Maybe you’ve enjoyed it too,” she cut off what he was going to say with her comment and for a moment he couldn’t breathe.

“I have but it will be good to get back to normal,” he said hoping the lie would be believed.

She gave him a searching look and he met her eyes for a brief moment before focusing on his son.  He hated lying to her but there was no way that he could sit down with her and explain that he’d been offered the chance to stay here and be a part of the army again.

“I’m sure,” she said quietly as she led him out to where the children were in the garden. He laughed quietly as they noticed him there and immediately ran over to him. He’d missed them he admitted to himself as he spent precious moments with them and then Ella brought out food for them all and he frowned at that, she was waiting on him, on them all. What about what she wanted, he asked himself bitterly. When was the last time he’d seen her with her camera taking a picture of anything apart from their wonderful children.

“You okay,” she asked him later just as he prepared to leave to head back to ‘work’.

“I’m good,” he lied again.

“Sure? Only you’ve gone a bit quiet,” she bit her lip.

“I’m sure, let’s head out tonight for a walk,” he murmured.

She raised her eyebrows in that way she had when she was silently questioning him and he responded with another searing kiss to her sweet cherry flavoured lips and then it was back to the grind, back to more paperwork and tests and a session on the rifle range.  Already he was back to the same level he’d been when at his best. Only he was shooting paper targets instead of real ones. 

 

 

 

Ella watched him go back and sighed. She knew him well enough to know that he was hiding something, but then so was she.  Settling the children down for their naps she waited checking they were asleep before logging on to the laptop and searching for her biological father. She emailed several sites that promised to track down ex-service personal and gave what details she could about the man. She’d created a new email address to receive replies in that wasn’t connected to her other accounts, her business email address and also her personal email. Then she cleared the sites she’d visited from her search history even though she knew Roman wouldn’t look there she still felt guilty about what she was doing. 

 

 

Three days later Roman still hadn’t been able to turn down his CO’s offer. He knew he had to but there was something seductive about the offer, something that was luring him into seriously consideration.  Ella had been more like herself than before and he hated that he was beginning to fantasise that it was because they were there.

Easing inside the house he listened to the chaos of the children watching some film and running around and couldn’t help his smile, especially when he saw Mike with his siblings.  The boy was a kid again and not the little ‘soldier’ he’d been during the Gardy mess or after he’d found out about his Mum being ill and for that he was glad.

“Hey you,” Ella called from her seat on the sofa next to Sam. Their boy was sitting up with a cookie in his cubby hand.  He immediately offered it to him and Roman grinned at that knowing somehow that he’d inherited his generosity from his mother.

“Hey,” he said back.  He leaned over and kissed her feeling the need to connect and frowned at his neediness.  El was fine, he told himself, having seen her growing more and more confident in the past two weeks.  It was time to start to pack up and head home, head back to their lives in the Bay.  Even as he thought the words inside his head another voice murmured insidiously about the offer his CO had asked him about.  He’d done a stint as a training instructor for six months when he’d decided it was time to quit the SAS. Paperwork and headaches were all that he remembered from that time but there was something else, something that he’d never acknowledged, looking back on it he’d actually enjoyed being able to pass on his knowledge and experience.

“Are we okay?”

He flinched at her soft spoken question before realising that she’d been speaking to the children.

“We’re fine,” he answered for them watching as Meggy on hearing his voice ran over to his side and patted his knee indicating she wanted picking up.

“I’m sure,” El’s voice had a mocking note in it, “Perhaps you need to speak to my Dad,” she added slowly.

He turned and met her gaze before gasping. She knew. He didn’t know how, but she knew that he’d been offered a posting here.

“El,” he whispered.

“We’ve got a trip out planned, you me and Mike.  Dad is taking care of the little ones.” She muttered as though things were normal between them.

“Where are we going?”

She leaned a little bit closer to him before said softly, “It’s a surprise, wear casual clothes.”

“Okay,” he murmured feeling something that wasn’t right between them and that it was his fault.

Standing up he dislodged a fussy Meggy who scowled at him before he went off in search of her father. Seeing the man sitting in his study behind his desk he grinned at the way he’d automatically raised his hand to knock as though he were at his commanding officers door and not that of his father-in-law.

“Roman,” George called out on seeing him standing there.

Roman nodded and eased inside the room closing the door behind him.

“Guess we’ve got stuff to talk about,” Roman drawled choosing to sit opposite George.

“As part of the bases hierarchy all prospective postings tend to come across my desk at some point. Especially when they could prove to be contentious….”

“My record,” Roman flinched.

“No more the fact that you’ve been out of the service for so long. Missed your last training for example, I presume that was due to your family commitments,” George said quietly.

“I er… “

“What are you doing Roman? What do you want?”

“I want my wife to be well,” he stated immediately.

“And this opportunity? Because you haven’t turned it down yet have you?”

“I’m going too,” Roman muttered feeling like he was lying.

“Okay then, but you need to talk to Ella, I apologise because I thought you had already told her about it,” George looked uncomfortable.

“She knows now,” Roman guessed.

“She wasn’t happy.”

“No she wouldn’t be.”

Roman stood up from his seat opposite the other man and resisted the urge to salute, the man was still a colonel and even though today technically both of them were off duty once you got into the habit of saluting you never really got over it.  He slipped out of the room and went up the stairs to get showered and changed. 

[TelephotoMarigold]

WARNING: Some mentions of Sexual Abuse/Rape

 

 

Chapter 36

 

 

 

Ella drove them in silence, he was in the passenger seat beside her and Mike was in the back. Neither he nor Mike knew where they were going and a guessing game had lasted long enough to start giving him a headache but not a clue about their destination.  Finally they pulled up outside a small warehouse complex and Ella parked the car taking the key from the ignition and climbing out of the car. They followed her lead and walked slowly behind her as she entered the building.  His eyes widened when he realised that they were at a gun range.

“Ella?”

“Come on,” she murmured not quite meeting his eyes.

He grinned suddenly at the thought that if she was that mad at him for not telling her about his job offer then bringing him to a rifle range was probably not a good sign. 

“Mum, what…” Mike opened and closed his mouth several times as his eyes shot everywhere trying to take in everything.

She booked them in and after they had the safety brief on handling weapons they were escorted to the range.  They were each offered a choice of weapons, Ella picked up a 9mm colt automatic and the ammunition. He chose a 9mm Beretta, already used to that weapon from his training and Mike finally selected the same as him after checking the weight and grip of many of them.

Ella stood in the first lane; she adjusted her target and put on the impact resistant orange tinted glasses before adding the ear defenders. She waited until they’d both done the same before loading a clip into the weapon, taking it off safety and then aiming. Roman watched as she squeezed the trigger like a professional and shot the target in front of her. There was no hesitation in her shooting and as each shot fired she held steady, none of the flinching that some people showed when they heard the loud retort of the weapon. He was impressed for a few moments until he realised that she must have had previous weapons training.  Something else she’d never told him and then he half groaned. Her stint when she’d completed Army basic training obviously and perhaps even coming here with her brother or father.

“Ella?” He murmured when she was done.

“Worried?”

“A little,” he confessed.

She pressed the button that recalled her target and he chuckled at how good a shot she was.

“Beat me?” She challenged him.

Roman shook his head before he helped Mike. She left him to it easing back so that he was the teacher for their son.  After a few minutes he began to enjoy himself and welcomed this new bond with his son, a glance at Ella and he could tell she was moved by this. He grinned over at her before helping Mike again.

The three hours Ella had booked passed by quickly and he wasn’t the only one to be disappointed at leaving, Mike actually pouting. He’d answered almost a million questions from the boy on weapons, training, army and everything else he could come up with.

As they pulled up outside the house Ella sent Mike in before she turned and looked at him.

“You want to take it don’t you?”

“El,” he muttered feeling defensive, “We…”

“Yes or no Roman it’s a simple question,” she insisted her hands still resting on the steering wheel.

“Then yes, yes I do. But I’m not going too. We agreed to a few weeks and we’ve done that. Time to go home.”

“Is it? Because it feels that you have unfinished business here, that you need to prove something.”

“I don’t El, we’re just getting…”

“I’m getting better,” she interrupted him piercing him with her sapphire gaze, “Don’t use me as an excuse because we know that won’t do either of us any good. Now go inside I’ve got to go.”

“Ella?” he found himself asking.

“I can’t…be here for a bit. I’ve got to go.”

“Ella you can’t just leave, I know you are mad at me but…”

“Roman get out of the car. I have to go. I have to get away right now and I can’t be with you without wanting to scream at you for hiding this from me. Go inside the house and …”

He nodded slowly and eased out of the car, “how long will you be gone?”

“An hour,” she murmured.

“Okay I’ll sort out the kids. El…”

She reached over and shut the door cutting him off and then she put the car in gear and pulled away from the curb.  It would be three weeks before he saw her again.

 

 

 

Ella slowly eased the car to a full stop. She looked worriedly about for a few minutes and then climbed out of the car and made her way up the front path towards the house.  Her hands were clammy and her mouth dry and that churning sensation in the pit of her stomach wouldn’t go away. Finally she forced herself to open the door and step inside.  Toys were scattered about here and there and she closed her eyes for a second feeling tears leach into them. Clearing her vision she carried on further into the house and over to the stairs.  It was late so the kids would be in bed she told herself as she padded up the stairs quietly. She moved into the babies room first and looked at them asleep in their beds, with Sam fast asleep in his cot. Tears seeped down her cheeks as she looked at them and she dashed them away before turning at a noise behind her.  Roman stood on the landing, in his bathrobe, his arms folded across himself as he glared at her.

“Three weeks with no word apart from one text message. You have a hell of a nerve coming back here,” he growled out.

“I…” she had no defence.

“Get away from my children,” he added, “You don’t deserve them you are not a fit mother,” he snapped out.

Ella pulled back as though he’d slapped her.

“Roman,” she began reaching out a hand towards him.

“No,” he spun on his heel and marched into the bedroom they were using in her father’s house returning after a couple of minutes and throwing a blanket and pillow at her.  “If you are planning on staying here you can sleep downstairs.”

She reacted to the hurt and anger in his voice by recoiling and sinking into herself.  Not that she expected her return to be anything different except thinking that maybe she could talk to him. She needed to talk to him.  Easing away she made her way down the stairs and to the lounge. Making the bed on the long sofa she felt immensely lonely and unable to stop the tears slipping down her face.

 

 

Roman waited a heartbeat listening to her footsteps as she moved through the house and resisted the urge to go after her.  Three weeks of worry kept him still, three weeks of heartbreak as he coped with the children.  Mike had been despatched back to his boarding school. Sam had taken his first steps.  Meggy had, well best not to focus on what Meggy had got up to but it had been touch and go about sending her to the same boarding school as her brother just so he could get a rest.  Not that he’d been sleeping much with the constant worry over Ella.

He’d accepted the posting, just so he could stay there in case Ella returned or at least that is what he told himself. Luckily he’d been able to swing it so that he’d had four weeks until he started in the job.  He’d had to leave the children with George whilst he flew home and organised things there. Nic had declared she hated him and refused to talk to him.  He never let on that Ella was missing though, because that would have required too much explanation and how could he explain something when he didn’t understand it himself.

The house had been packed up, the cats in a cattery until they decided on a house here.  If they were still together.  Nothing was certain anymore.

“She’s back?”

He turned at George’s quiet voice,  “She’s back.”

“She okay?”

“I didn’t ask,” Roman muttered, “I…”

“I told you she’d be back,” George added coming over to him and patting him awkwardly on his back.

“No George, don’t smooth this over for her. She’s… got explaining to do. She needs to make this right and I’m not sure she can.”

“I understand just take some time before you make any big decisions,” he muttered.

“Like moving here? Like returning to the SAS? Like sending Mike back to school? Like telling my family that we’ve moved? Like resigning from the diner?” Roman scoffed, “Like those sort of decisions? Because I’ve had to make all of them myself. My wife took off. She disappeared. She …”

“Yes I did,” Ella spoke up from the bottom of the stairs.  She moved up them slowly, not all the way but near to the top and stood there looking at him.  “I left you. I wasn’t going to come back. I didn’t want this life,”

Roman flinched before he looked at her.

“Liar,” he murmured.

“I had an affair,” she murmured.

“Liar,” he said again.

“I had a breakdown and couldn’t cope,” she said slowly.

He paused, “Liar,” he muttered.

“I left for an hour and crashed the car. When I saw where I was I couldn’t stop.”

“Go on,” he muttered.

She took another step, “I found him. His address and I became obsessed.”

“Ella?” George spoke up.

She looked at both men in turn before looking at Roman.

“I found his victims.”

Her voice broke and Roman turned his head away from her.

“And?”

“I… couldn’t come back until I was clean again,” she whispered.

Roman felt anger but not at Ella, now he wanted to kill the man who’d hurt her.  He knew when she first mentioned seeking out her biological father that she’d be hurt by what she found out and he hadn’t been there. He would have… what? Stopped her just because he knew she’d be hurt or what, track down this man himself and kill him.

“It’s late, get some sleep,” he stated retreating into the bedroom and closing the door on them.  Shedding his robe he climbed into bed resting his head on his pillow and closing his eyes.  He wouldn’t sleep of course because he had to listen out and make sure Ella wasn’t going to leave again.  He could have invited her to share their bed again a part of him needing to hold his wife but it was too soon, she needed time and he had to resolve his own feelings before anything intimate happened between them and by intimate he was thinking about holding her and not sex. 

 

 

Ella slipped back down the stairs and into the lounge again.  She lay on the narrow sofa and pulled the cover over her needing to be warm after feeling a shiver go through her.  Her worst nightmare had been to come back here and not see the children or Roman waiting for her and she’d tortured herself with that image over and over again over the past three weeks. 

At first she’d wanted to text him every moment she was away but then after a time it was easier not to speak to him, not to hear his voice. Her journey took her to dark places and without Roman there to bolster her she didn’t have to worry about him.  That was the excuse she used.  In truth she was scared he’d stop her.   No, she knew he’d stop her from finding out what she needed to know, from seeing the things she’d witnessed.  Plus she hadn’t wanted to contaminate their lives anymore. Not with the stigma of rape.

“El,” Roman whispered from the foot of the stairs and she started because she’d been so lost in thought she hadn’t heard him approach.

“I’m awake,” she called.

He moved over to the sofa and eased down on the floor his back to the seat cushions.

“I can’t forgive you…”

“I don’t expect you too,” she whispered back.

“You should have called me.”

“You would have stopped me.”

“I should have been with you.”

“I couldn’t … do what I needed to do if you were there.  I couldn’t..”

“El,” he prompted when she went silent.

“His last victim was 17 years old. Those are my genes.  Our son’s genes.  What if…”

“Don’t even finish that sentence. Whatever our sons are like they will not be... “ he paused. “that.”

“I don’t want our relationship to be about rape. I don’t want it between us. I can’t stop it …”

“I’ve accepted the posting. Here no-one knows you were raped.”

She sucked in a breath, “I can’t pretend.”

“Not asking you too. Just pointing that out.  You didn’t heal in the Bay maybe you can heal here.”

“Roman?”

“Go to sleep. It’s late.”

“Going to sit there all night?”

“Yes,” he said simply.

“Would it help if I promise not to leave again?”

“Not really,” he admitted sounding fraught.

“Would it help if you got under this cover with me?”

“I can’t, not yet. Maybe not for a long time. Not after you left me like that.”

“I think I understand,” she pressed her lips together to stop her crying out.

She closed her eyes and slipped asleep feeling relaxed for the first time in weeks, but more than that she felt like something was being healed inside of her. 

[TelephotoMarigold]

 

Chapter 37

 

Roman Harris usually left the IT work to others.  It was not his specialism but that didn’t mean he didn’t know how to work a laptop or in this instance the GPS in their car.  He’d left on the pretext of doing some shopping leaving a subdued Ella with boisterous kids who were happy that she was home.  He wasn’t so sure that she was so happy to be back though from the way she hung back as though unsure of everything. Perhaps he’d been too harsh, making her sleep downstairs but he couldn’t have slept in the same bed as her despite the fact that he still loved her. 

Pulling over in the parking lot of the local supermarket he started looking through the car.  Receipts for food and clothes were in the glove box along with the repair bill from a garage. He checked the address on it and then started going through the GPS noting where the car had been and what routes she’d programmed into it.  Looking through the map options using the internet on his phone he plotted out where she’d been and how long it would take for him to check out a couple of those places. 

Of course he was interfering. He was her husband and she should have involved him in what she was doing. But now, he just needed to have some idea of how bad it was so he could prepare himself, so he could look after her. 

Decision made he put everything back where he found it and then made his way into the supermarket picking up a handful of things they didn’t really need to complete his alibi. He wasn’t surprised to find that he’d placed some of Ella’s favourite foods in the shopping basket as he reached the tills and paid for it. 

Job done he made his way back to the house.  Now they were there for a year at the very least they needed to do something about a place to live. He couldn’t keep staying with her father; no matter how they got along he was the alpha male of his family and having Ella’s father there would just keep confusing things especially if she started deferring to him instead of speaking to her husband. Something he’d noticed in the first few weeks.

He’d wait for a while until she’d settled back with them before he even mentioned getting their own place and cursed that everything was so hard for her. Not him, he could cope but his beautiful wife didn’t deserve any of the things that she’d gone through and right at that moment if he could have killed Gardy a second time he would have done. He cursed freely and loudly in the car letting out some of the anger he had inside at what had been done to Ella.  She didn’t need his grief to deal with on top of hers.

Pulling up outside the house he eased out of the car and walked inside. Sam was crying, Sophie and Georgie were shouting and Meggy was sitting on a chair her arms folded across herself and looking cross.  He grinned at the scene before seeing George walking the floor with Sam trying to quiet him.

“Ella?”

“Upstairs,” George said quickly.

Roman placed the shopping to one side and the separated Sophie and Georgie, taking away the toy they were fighting over before he took the stairs two at a time until he found Ella. She was sitting on what was their bed, tears falling down her face.

“What’s wrong?” He asked immediately moving over to sit next to her. He noticed that he didn’t put his arm around her or take her hand.

“Sam tried to feed from me but my milk has dried up.”

“It’s been three weeks,” he pointed out in a gentle voice.

“I tried to express it while I was gone but …” she snuffled into a handkerchief.  “I couldn’t get him to accept a bottle and then the others started and it all got a bit much. Dad took Sam for me and I came up here to sort myself out.”

“Doesn’t seem to have helped much?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” she repeated wiping away the last of her tears and blowing her nose. She stood and put the used tissue in the bin before walking out of the room and heading down the stairs.

Roman followed her at a slower pace watching as she reclaimed a still squalling Sam from her father and taking him into the kitchen returning a moment later with a bottle and started to feed him, their son realising that there wasn’t anything else on offer.  He made his own way into the kitchen and began putting away the food stopping when Meggy grabbed hold of his leg and looked up at him.

“What’s up Megs?”

“Mama,” Meggy pointed.

“Yes Mama is home,” he said softly leaning down next to his daughter.

“Mama no happy,” Meggy shook her head.

“I know but she’s home and we’ll make her happy,” he promised rashly, “now then do we want dins?”

Meggy nodded not releasing her grip on his trousers as she moved around the kitchen with him as he made sandwiches for them all.  He set the formal dining table and helped Meggy claim her seat first, the twins next and then his subdued wife. Ella was still holding on to Sam as she sat amongst them her eyes darting back and forth as she looked around the room. Finally he sat down and they began to eat.

He noticed that Ella took only a few bites of the sandwich before she pushed it to one side and he could tell that Meggy had seen the same thing because she copied her mother.  Georgie had demolished his and was eyeing up everybody else’s plates.

“Eat up before Georgie gets his hands on it,” Roman said quietly pushing Ella’s plate back closer to her.  She nodded but there were fresh tears in her eyes. She blinked them away and took another bite of the sandwich chewing slowly.  “You too Megs,” Roman urged.

Meggy pushed her sandwich round on her plate before she climbed down off her chair and came over to him holding her hands up. He picked her up and put her on his lap ignoring Sophie scowling at him.

“Maybe we could swap?” Ella asked in a timid voice.

“Does that mean his nappy needs doing?” Roman grinned over at her.

“No,” she gasped out before shaking her head, “No,” she repeated in a softer voice, “just not had enough cuddles off my Meggy girl,” she said slowly.

Meggy shook her head and clung to him and he shot Ella an apologetic look.

“I cuddles Mama,” Sophie called out.

“You should go watch some cartoons before nap time,” Roman called out moving to put Meggy back on her chair. He kissed the top of his daughter’s head before encouraging her to eat her food before taking Sam from Ella’s arms and walking away from them. He nodded at Sophie and Georgie and they followed him through to the lounge. He returned a moment later having put Sam in his playpen and switched on the TV for the twins.

“Maybe…” Ella stopped what she was going to say as Meggy looked at her. 

“Toons?” Meggy asked pushing her sandwich away again.

“Eat your lunch and then toons,” Ella stated softly, “Mama eating hers, see,” she added taking another bite.

“I no want,” Meggy pushed her food away again.

“Then Mama won’t eat,” Ella said pushing hers away.

Meggy screwed up her face and two fat tears fell down from her eyes.

“Come on Megs,” Roman moved toward his daughter.

“No,” Ella shot out.

Roman stopped and looked at her, waiting.

“Meggy Mama is home now, she’s sorry she went away.  She wants to make it up to you,” Ella said in a rush.

Roman watched as Ella moved to her daughter’s side and scooped her up and cuddled her, Meggy kicked her legs and struggled before she finally hugged Ella back.

“Congratulations,” Roman leaned over and whispered in her ear. “Round one to you.”

Ella blushed before she eased down on the chair and began helping her daughter eat.  

He cleared the rest of the table and took his time to tidy the kitchen and wash up returning after a while to find all children settled down for a nap and Ella watching them from the lounge door.

“You can use the bed if you want to nap too,” he stated.

“no, no I just want to watch them for a bit,” she whispered not meeting his gaze.

“Can’t be like this around them Ella, it’s not healthy.”

She raised her head and looked at him before frowning.  “I…er… I…”

“You need help. Get it.”

“Is that a condition for accepting me back?”

“No conditions and interesting that you’d think I would do that to you.”

“You did before when you made me see Rachel,” she hissed out before taking a frightened step back from him.

“Sort yourself out,” he murmured and left her too it moving back into the kitchen and started assembling ingredients for their dinner.

“Roman,” Ella said from the doorway.

“I don’t want to hear it,” he stated quietly.

“I… er…”

“No Ella, stop. Consider what you are doing and why you are doing it. Because at the moment we both know it’s not because you love me.”

“I do love you,” she cried out.

“Not enough.”

“Enough? Is love quantifiable?”

“Yes.  I loved you so much I would die for you.  I loved you so much that I put up with every crazy thing you decided to do next.  With rescuing Sam on your own. With ….”

“Running away?”

“Yes, running away. “

“I…” she stopped and looked at him. “do love you.”

“Not enough, not enough.” He said truthfully because regardless he could never get enough of her love.

“Maybe I should… leave.  Go to a hotel or something? I don’t want…”

“Want what?” he prompted.

“To hurt you anymore,” she whispered.

“Too late for that isn’t it?  One text Ella, one text in three weeks.  Your father stopped me from reporting you missing to the police. Your father heard me ring every hospital from her to god knows where looking for you.”

Ella moved to his side and calmly placed her phone on the top next to him.  He immediately saw the broken screen and case.

“It broke in the accident and I couldn’t remember your number.  I couldn’t remember Dad’s number. I didn’t know how to contact you.  I tried to phone Mike but kept getting the number wrong,” she whispered.

“So why didn’t you come home then?”

“Because I had his next address and by then I’d already been away nearly a week.”

“You didn’t think about us did you?”

“Every moment of every day,” she whispered, “and then I thought about what I was putting you through and I got scared,” she added.

“Of?”

“Coming home,” she murmured quietly, “Disappointing you,” she added in another whisper.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have done. I’ll go get you a new phone.”

He walked out of the house and to the car ignoring the way he’d left things.  He’d been cruel in a way that he couldn’t forgive himself for and deliberately. She needed to prove to them she wanted to be back and until she did he couldn’t just accept her the way she was because his Ella would have smacked his face for some of the things he’d said to her and the woman he’d just left had just accepted his words.  If she was relapsing then he had to shock her out of it and get her to see she needed help.

 

 

 

 

Ella looked around her and saw the half prepared food. She was tired and hurting but she moved around the kitchen and began finishing the meal he’d started.  Next she checked on the food for Sam, seeing bottles made up in the fridge and jars of babyfood. Checking on them she saw vegetarian options mixed in with them and smiled before turning and seeing Meggy watching her from the doorway.

“What’s up troublemaker?”

“I no no like you,” Meggy declared.

“Okay,” Ella felt more blows hit her at her daughters declaration but she kept her face neutral and slowly closed the fridge.  “I guess that finding where your daddy hid the chocolate isn’t going to help, huh?”

Meggy shook her head before shyly pointing to a top cupboard.

Ella hid her grin before opening the cupboard and finding the chocolate packets in there. She took out a handful of bars and placed them on the top trying not to grin in relief as Meggy moved closer to her.  She looked at them before spotting Meggy’s favourite and taking that one for herself.

“Mama no’s!”

“Sorry Megs what was that?”

“Mines,” she held her hands up to get the chocolate.

“Really? Can Mama get a please?”

“Please Mama,” Meggy cried out loudly.

“Shush babes or the others will wake up,” Ella knelt down and handed over the chocolate, opening the wrapper for her.

“Mama come,” Meggy grabbed hold of her hand and pulled on it until Ella was forced to accompany her daughter into the other room. 

“Slow down Megs,” Ella said softly.

“Mama stay here,” Meggy pointed to the chair before she moved back to the sofa and climbed up on reclaiming her blanket, chocolate bar still in her hand. She began to eat it before placing the half eaten bar to one side and snuggling down on the sofa to sleep.

 

 

 

Roman walked quietly into the house and saw Ella sitting in the lounge with the children. He handed her the bag with a new phone in and perched on the arm of the chair.

“Loved, past tense?” She asked him.

“Until you get help.”

“Conditional love?”

“For the moment,” he stated quietly.

“So I have to prove that I want to be here?”

“No, you have to get well.”

He stood and walked through to the kitchen seeing immediately the chocolate on the top and that she’d finished preparing the food for their dinner.  It left him nothing to do to be ‘busy’ at and he frowned before going up the stairs to their bedroom and settling on the bed he picked up the one of the training books he needed to read before he started his posting.  Pulling up his notepad and pens he began to make the notes outlining various things he wanted to read more on.  Now that Ella was back he found his concentration had increased and he no longer kept looking at his phone. 

[TelephotoMarigold]

 

Chapter 38

 

 

Ella sighed as she folded up the bedcovers and stacked them up by the side of the sofa before climbing the stairs and heading into the bathroom to shower.  Three months had gone by since she’d disappeared on him and they were still sleeping in separate rooms.  At least now she could kiss him without him flinching she thought with a sigh.  She hadn’t expected it to be this hard, not getting back with her husband or the therapy sessions she attended every week.  Communication was the key, the phrase everyone was shouting at her but how could she communicate when her husband didn’t listen to her.  When they never talked about the important stuff? When they barely spent any time together?

She groaned remembering the early days of her being back. Roman had kept hold of the car keys as though expecting her to run again. When she asked him questions he would answer in the same tone of voice that he used when explaining something to Mike.  He didn’t touch her.  Not even holding her hand.  She missed those little touches most of all, the way their fingers would brush against the others as they were doing something.  As for anything intimate, forget that. He treated her like a leper, like he would be contaminated if he even looked at her.

Scrubbing and rinsing her body she stepped out of the shower and pulled on her bathrobe before heading to the bedroom.  She paused before lifting her hand and knocking on the door. 

“Come in,” Roman called and she flinched at that before opening the door and stepping inside.

“Morning,” she called in a too-cheerful voice.

“I’ve got to shoot off early, no time for breakfast,” he announced.

He was sitting on the bed doing up his boots  and the sight of him in full uniform still made her feel things that she thought she’d put behind her.

“Okay,” she said slowly moving to the dresser and taking out clean clothes for herself.

“You got your therapist this afternoon?”

“Yes,” she said without adding, ‘you know I have, you mark the appointments in your diary like you have to keep track of me.’

“I’m taking the car today are you okay to get there? “

“Er… yeah I can get a taxi. What about the children? They…”

“You can walk them to nursery can’t you? Not that far?”

She blinked back tears thinking that he still didn’t trust her and was unable to do anything except nod, knowing her voice would reflect her hurt.

“Okay, see you later,” Roman murmured, “I’ll text you at lunch if I can,” he added before coming to her side and kissing her cheek. 

Ella barely had time to absorb the fact he’d actually kissed her before he was gone. Feeling as though her legs were unable to support her she moved over to the bed and sank down on it.

 

 

 

Roman climbed inside the car and drove off heading off base and not to work like he said he would instead he was off to do some investigating of his own. As soon as he reached the first gas station he headed into the washroom and changed out of his uniform into civilian clothes. Where he was going he didn’t want to be connected to the Army.  He grinned as he caught himself neatly folding his uniform before putting it away in his holdall and then it was back in the car and resuming his journey.

He found the first location on Ella’s trip easily; it wasn’t far from the base.  As he drove down the main street he spotted the garage where she’d had the car repaired.  A broken axle and windscreen.  It was unlike Ella to have an accident even if she were upset so he made that his first stop.

“Morning,” he called out.

“Hello, with you in a minute,” a voice responded from the back of the garage.

A couple of minutes passed before someone came over to him. “Can I help you?” the mechanic said.

“I hope so; my wife had our car repaired here a few months ago.  I need a copy of the bill for our insurance,” Roman murmured the excuse he’d come up with.

“Oh wait,” the mechanic murmured looking past him to the car, “I remember this.  Axle wasn’t it?”

“And windscreen,” Roman put in.

“Sure, say is the Mrs alright? The police said she was banged up pretty bad?”

“Oh, yeah she’s fine.”

The mechanic moved over to the small office at the side of the garage and went inside gesturing for Roman to follow him.  He rootled around in a filing cabinet before bringing out a file with their car details written in bold marker across the front. 

“Can I have a look?” Roman found himself asking.

“Sure go ahead,” the guy murmured, “Photocopier is there if you need that copy,” he added before heading back to the garage leaving Roman alone.

“Thanks,” Roman said slowly accepting the file.  

Inside he saw the details of the accident. A copy of the incident report from the police was in there and he was surprised by that before he saw that they had towed the car to the garage because Ella was in hospital.  She hadn’t mentioned that to them and he flinched because he realised that he hadn’t asked her if she had been hurt when she talked about the car crash. 

He copied the details before putting the folder back on his desk, placing some money on top for the guy’s trouble. 

The next stop took him to the address she’d had for her father and now he saw what had triggered her reaction.  The word ‘Rapist’ had been spray painted in large red letters across the side of the house and the door had a blackened flare pattern on it as though someone had thrown a petrol bomb at it. 

What had gone through her head when she’d seen this, he wondered not stopping to look around? He carried on heading to the second location on his list. 

 

 

 

 

Ella checked her phone a dozen or so times as she came out of the therapist’s office and headed home, stopping to collect the children on the way. Roman had said he would text her at lunch and he hadn’t and now she was worrying that he regretted kissing her cheek that morning, that showing her that sign of affection was wrong.

She bit back the moan of pain at the thought that her marriage was over and instead of giving into the negative thoughts racing inside of her she focused on the children, hearing them tell her about their day. 

“That’s great,” she said to Georgie, “Let’s get you some juice and we’ll put some toons on.”

“Mama, Sam…” Sophie began.

“Sam wants toons too don’t you Sammy?”

“Toons!” Sam cried excitedly.

“That’s right,” Ella moved them inside the house and over to the TV. She put it on finding the right channel before lifting Sam out of his pushchair and letting her son run to the others.  Folding up the pushchair she put it away in the hallway closet and then made her way to the kitchen to get the drinks and snacks for the children.  Distracting herself with them wasn’t working because she caught herself checking her phone again forcing herself to resist texting him.

 

 

Roman felt sick to his stomach.  That Ella should have seen this made him wince. Let alone her deciding to do it on her own, she hadn’t been strong enough to deal with this, with finding out her biological father was a serial rapist, hounded out from town to town.  He was headed home now after stopping to change back into his uniform at the same gas station as earlier and couldn’t wait to see her.  Pulling up outside the house he saw George’s car in the driveway indicating the other man was back and he grimaced. He and George had clashed several times over Ella in the past three months and although he wanted to move out Ella had been resistant to leave. 

Heading inside he stopped when he saw Irene standing in the lounge next to George.

“Hello,” he murmured in surprise.

“Look who has come to visit,” Ella said in a too bright voice.

“I see,” Roman met George’s gaze and nodded before going over to Ella and kissing his wife briefly. It wasn’t what he wanted to do, no he wanted to take her in his arms and hold her for a long time but he settled for a brief  taste of her lips before moving past them and over to the kids.

“I thought we’d go out to dinner?” George announced.

“We can’t arrange a babysitter that quickly,” Roman put in before Ella spoke, “You two go and we’ll catch up tomorrow.”

Irene gave him an assessing look.

“Not sure I can get used to seeing you in that getup anyway,” she waved her hand at his uniform.

“I’m sure…” Ella paused looking at Roman and biting her lip.

“I’m sure Ella was just about to say something about seeing me out of uniform and realised how that sounded,” Roman murmured smoothly. 

“Well since ya’s need a babysitter how about George and I stay here and you two head out.  Probably been a while since you did that?”

“It has but I’m tired,” Roman put in, “been a long day for me and no doubt for Ella as well with the kids. We’ll accept your offer another time.”

George glared at him and he responded by smiling.

“Kids need to eat anyway,” Ella said in a flat sounding voice.

Roman nodded easing to her side and putting his arm around her waist. “Let’s go get some food sorted,” he said guiding her away from the others and into the kitchen.  They separated when they were out of sight of Irene and George with Ella stepping away first.

“My father seems to be interfering,” she said quietly.

“Not for the first time,” Roman shot back.

“Maybe we do need to move,” she added.

Her voice was so quiet and sad sounding that he strained to hear it. “Maybe,” he said back before opening the fridge and getting out ingredients for their evening meal.

“If you want a divorce…” she whispered.

“Not a chance in hell,” he said back.

“Roman?”

“I’m married to you, in sickness and health, until death do us part and all the other vows.”

“But you aren’t happy, you can’t be happy not with this…”

“This is our marriage.”

“It’s not a marriage,” she all but shouted at him and then stopped as he grinned at her.  “You wanted me to get mad?”

“I can’t fight for a marriage alone. My wife has to want to fight for it too.”

“Roman I…”

“We need to feed the kids.”

“Everything alright?” George asked from the kitchen doorway.

“Fine Daddy,” Ella murmured quickly.

“Here,” Roman poured out two glasses of lemonade and handed them over to George. 

“I’ll take this as a hint then,” he said with a touch of iron to his voice.

Roman nodded and the other man departed leaving them alone.

“You didn’t text me,” Ella shot out.

“I got busy, didn’t realise the time,” Roman told her truthfully.

“I er… got worried.”

“Why didn’t you text me?”

“We don’t do that anymore,” she whispered.

“Why?”

“Because …” she bit her lip and looked at him.

“Because?”  

“Because I broke us when I disappeared,” she muttered folding her arms around her middle as she stood in front of him.

“Can’t fix us if you don’t communicate,” he said softly.

“So I need to text you?”

“Text, talk, fight.  If you want too that is,” he said.

“Okay. Okay,” she nodded.

They moved around the kitchen organising food, Roman cooking and she mostly getting in his way but he smiled at that because she wasn’t retreating. She wasn’t using the kids as an excuse not to spend time with him.

“Ready?” he asked when the food was ready.

She nodded again and they took the food through to the dining room and collected the kids. From then it was feeding them before their bedtime routine.  Ella hung back again and he waited to see what she would do. With Irene staying in what was Mike’s room, would she move back to the sofa or want to sleep with him. 

“Do you want a drink?” She asked him after the children were asleep.

“No,” he murmured, “I’m pretty tired so I’m heading to bed.”

“I er…”

“Yes?”

“I think we… I should…”

“Ella?”

“I can’t sleep on the sofa?”

“Are you asking me or telling me?”

Ella glared at him for a moment before she shook her head. “Never mind,” she muttered and made to move away from him.

“Fight,” he said softly.

“I…”

“Fight,” he said again.

“I’m telling you. I’m not sleeping on that sofa anymore. If you don’t like it then you sleep on the damn sofa,” she shot out glaring at him.

“Welcome back,” he said opening the bedroom door and standing to one side to allow her inside.

She gave him a look from underneath her lashes before she walked inside the room and over to the bed stopping beside it.

“I’m not having sex with you.”

“Wait until you’re asked,” he said back to her.

She nodded again and watched as he began to strip off, starting with his boots.

“When do you think you might ask me?”

“When we’re talking again,” he said quietly.

“Okay, okay,” she said again.

“I’m going to go get a shower,” he left her there and slipped into the bathroom taking his time about showering and brushing his teeth passing her on the way out as she waited for her turn.  He noted that before she would have come in and used the bathroom with him and hated that their intimacy with each other was compromised.

He climbed into bed switching out his light and leaving hers on before easing down under the covers.  He closed his eyes and eased out a slow breath trying to relax before Ella joined him. 

“I…” Ella began closing the door behind her and sucking in a breath she walked over to the bed.

“The alarm is set for six. I have to be up and out by seven tomorrow.”

“Okay,” she said and slipped into the bed beside him.  Reaching up she switched off the light and lay next to him.

“Goodnight,” he said softly.

Ella sighed, “night,” she muttered.

As he started to fall asleep he felt her moving in the bed until she was closer to him and grinned.  He woke before the alarm was due to go off, used to getting up early, and smiled when he saw that Ella had snuggled against him in her sleep.  Easing quietly out of the bed he turned off the alarm and started his day. 

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 39

 

Ella was disappointed when she woke alone but as she looked at the time she realised that Roman must have needed to leave for work.  Getting up she checked on the luckily still sleeping children and then moved into the bathroom to shower and dress and by then the children had woken up and were demanding food.

Her routine was simple, breakfast with the children then walking with them to nursery.  Sam stayed half days usually except when she had an afternoon session with her therapist.

“Morning Darl,” Irene called out when she walked into the kitchen.

“Hello Irene,” Ella said smiling at the other woman before ushering her suddenly shy children into the room.

“My haven’t they shot up,” Irene commented.

“Kids this is Nanny Rene,” Ella said slowly.

“Hardly that darl, I’m just …”

“A good friend of both myself and my husband. Therefore an honorary family member.  I won’t ask what you and my Dad seem to be getting up to…” Ella grinned as Irene blushed.

“Get away wi’ya!”

Ella chuckled as she reached for the juice and poured it out in beakers before handing it out to the children.

“So who wants cereal?”

An excited chorus from the children distracted her from asking why Irene was there.  The timing of the other woman’s visit seemed too neat to have not been planned by her father.  She settled them down with their breakfasts, cereal and fruit before getting coffee for both herself and Irene, joining the children at the table.

“So how are you?”

“I’ve been better, been worse too but I’m doing okay for the most part,” Ella supplied hoping that would pacify the other woman.

“Your Dad has been remarkably quiet about you. Every time I ask he changes the subject.  Nic and Aden don’t seem to know much either.”

“Nic refuses all contact with us,” Ella muttered, “Roman writes to her and emails but in three months she’s not replied once.”

“Not you?”

“I sent her a message and well, I never let on to Roman what response I got back. That sort of language would make a sailor blush let alone a solider.”

“I can bet. She’s always had a touch of little madam about her. Your Dad told me about the ball this weekend, invited me actually.”

“Ball?”

“Oh there, I go and put my foot in it, typical.”

“It’s okay Irene, Roman probably didn’t even think about it. I still get anxious about leaving the kids.”

“I’m sure, darl. But…”

“Where is it?”

“At the officer’s mess apparently. The theme is ‘Casino Royale’, you know James Bond.”

Ella smiled. “So what are you wearing?”

“I’ve got me a long gold coloured gown, gloves and the highest heels I’ve ever worn in my life. I hope your Dad don’t want to do a lot of dancing.”

“You don’t have to worry I didn’t inherit my dancing skills from him,” Ella murmured before gasping.  She felt her throat clogging with tears and tried to blink them away feeling the emotion building up in her.

“Darl, what on earth is it?”

Ella shook her head trying to get control. No she didn’t inherit anything from George Maxwell Addison. She didn’t even deserve his name.

“I’m fine,” she gasped out, “Can you just keep an eye on them for me? Just need a minute… just a..”

Ella ran from the room feeling like a lead weight was on her chest pressing down. She sucked in breath after breath but it did nothing to ease it. Feeling light headed she looked around for somewhere she could go so she didn’t frighten the children and scrambled up the stairs on her hands and knees, finally getting into the bedroom she shared with Roman.  She pulled out her phone and dialled.

 

 

Roman looked at his phone and frowned, he murmured an ‘excuse me’ to the men in the room with him and they filed out allowing him privacy as he picked up his phone. By that time it had gone to voicemail but he dialled her number relieved when she picked it up.

“El?”

“I don’t get anything from my father. Not his name… not… “

“Of course you do.  I’m Mike’s dad. You’re Mike’s mum.  Biology isn’t everything, I mean just look at Nic!”

Ella sniffed, “what do I… how can I carry on knowing what I do about the man who fathered me?”

“If you ever met my Mother you’d ask me the same questions,” Roman told her quietly standing from his desk and moving to look out of his office window. “Your father is George Addison. He bathed you as a baby, looked after you when you were sick and in my humble opinion, didn’t spank you nearly enough when you acted up.”

“Roman,” she protested.

“Who is Mike’s dad?”

“You are,” she moaned.

“Why am I his dad?”

“Because you take care of him.”

“There you go.  Genetics is only part of what makes a person El, and even if we knew everything about your parentage before we married it wouldn’t change me marrying you.”

“I’m damaged,” she claimed.

“We all are in some ways. Maybe we never repair that damage, maybe sometimes we get second or third chances to get things right.  All you can do is your best.”

“Is that what you are doing when you re-upped?”

“My best or…”

“Repairing some of your damage?”

“Yes Ella, I needed this. Needed to make amends for my past mistakes,” he admitted.

“I never asked did I? When this was first mentioned? I just ran off… I’m sorry.”

“I know you are sorry you don’t have to keep saying it,” he put in quickly.

“I’m okay now, I’m calm. I need to get the kids to nursery.”

“I left the car keys on the hall table;” he murmured quietly, “Thought you might need the car if you wanted to show Irene around.”

“Oh,” she said.

“It wasn’t about trust,” he pointed out when she went silent.

“What? Oh the keys,” she murmured.

“I just wanted to have the car in case I needed to get to you quickly.”

“Thank you for telling me. I never.. thought… well…”

“I have to go. Got some anxious guys waiting outside my office I’ve been reading them the riot act over their training.”

“Go easy on them,” she murmured and he could tell that she was smiling from the tone of her voice, “remember what you just said about second chances.”

“Bye Ella,” he said slowly hanging up.

Looking down at his phone he ran his thumb over the picture of her he used as his screensaver before putting the phone away in his pocket and striding to the door.

Opening it he looked over at the men gathered there waiting for him.

“Gentlemen, where were we?” He asked as they filed back into his office.

 

 

 

 

Ella felt nervous driving the car having not been behind the wheel for over three months but after a time she settled down, enjoying having Irene for company beside her as she showed her the base and then into the next town. They shopped and had lunch before heading back to collect the children. She kept thinking about the conversation she’d had with her husband and how instead of turning to him over the past few months she’d instead been asking her therapist those questions and had been relying on someone else other than her husband.

Changing the children into their swimming things she brought out the small pool they put in the back garden for them filling it with water. Before she knew it the afternoon had gone by and Roman was home. She looked at him nervously before smiling as he moved over to her side and hugged her.

“Hey soldier,” she murmured quietly, hugging him back.

“What have we here?” he asked looking at the children as they ran round the garden and then dived into the pool. Even Sam was joining in, squealing with glee just like his brother and sisters.

“Dada,” Meggy cried out running over to him.

“Meggy,” Roman called out, sweeping his daughter up into his arms before taking her over to the pool. She squealed as he threatened to drop her in the water clinging to him before erupting into giggles.

“Dada no,” she cried out laughing up at him.

“Dada yes,” he murmured back and lowered her to water.

“No no no,” she giggled.

At the last second Roman swooped her away from the pool to place her on her feet beside it.

“Ah Dada, no’s…” she muttered still giggling.

“Play with Sophie,” he instructed her and moved back to Ella’s side choosing to sit next to her at the patio table where she was watching the children play.

“I definitely miss the beach on a day like today,” he said waving a hand across himself.

“Maybe you need to get out of that uniform,” she said and blushed when he looked at her.

“Is that an offer Mrs Harris?”

“No, don’t,” she lifted her hands to her face covering up her blushing.

“I’m glad you called earlier,” he murmured.

“I’m glad we spoke,” she whispered.

“Good,” he said and eased up.

“Roman…”

“I’m going to get changed and make a start on dinner, children will want feeding soon.”

She nodded unable to say anything as he walked into the house away from her.  She watched him go and then focused once more on the kids as they ran around the garden like wild things.  Soon it was time to collect them up and lead the procession inside and up the stairs to the bathroom where she bathed them before putting them into their pyjamas.

“Dinner is ready,” Roman called from the bottom of the stairs.

“Ready for dins?” Ella murmured to her children as she took them down. Sophie lifted her hands up indicating she wanted carrying. “Sleepy little girl?”

“Mama carry?”

“Mama thinks Sophie is too big to carry,” Ella said.

“Mama no,” Sophie cried.

Grinning at her daughter she picked her up and cradled her on her hip as she guided the others down the stairs, her other hand holding on to Sam as he bumped and climbed down laboriously on each step.

From there they had dinner, Irene and her father opting to go out again giving them space she thought cynically.  Roman had made a vegetable lasagne for her along with meat versions for him and the children. Georgie ate everything on his plate and looked around for more just like normal.

She shared a look with Roman as he asked, “Georgie do you want some more?”

“Please Dada,” Georgie responded grinning at them in turn.

Roman chuckled before fetching the dish and portioning some more out.  He had to also give some to Sam because he liked to copy his big brother.

“Irene mentioned something about a ball this weekend,” Ella finally murmured.

“Oh that, yeah I got tickets.”

“You didn’t ask me,” she was unaware she was pouting.

“Wasn’t sure you were ready to go out with me.”

“With you?”

“Yes,” he sat back at the table next to her, looking into her eyes and she felt herself blushing again.  “With me, like an actual date type scenario. You know when we get dressed up and hire babysitters and go out dancing. That type of thing.”

“I… er…. maybe,” she stuttered.

“Maybe I’ll ask you then,” he said back after a minute.

She nodded at him and then they gave their attention to the children, from there it was putting them to bed, reading the numerous bedtime stories Meggy demanded and finally they were alone.

“Do you want a drink?”

She flinched at the question before shaking her head. “No I’m heading to bed. Been a long day.”

Roman nodded at her before disappearing downstairs. She heard him moving about and groaned. Maybe she should have joined him, she thought.  Maybe he needed … what? She mocked herself. There wasn’t a thing she could give him right then that he couldn’t get elsewhere. She was a pretty useless wife.

Feeling dejected she made her way into the bedroom changing into a nightdress and getting under the covers. Even in this heat she still preferred a full cover over her; somehow it made her feel safe when she snuggled down under it.  She began to nod off just as Roman came into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

“Your dad is back,” he said softly.

“Why is Irene here?” She found herself asking as she sat up in the bed. She covered up a yawn before moving the pillows behind her.

“I would imagine that your Dad wants to see her and he wanted to somehow make me behave.”

“Irene can make you behave? Never,” Ella giggled.

“Want to bet? I’ve had drill instructors who were friendlier than Irene when I first met her.”

He climbed in beside her just wearing a pair of briefs and she blushed again, hating that she was reacting like a Victorian maiden around her own husband.

“Have you anything planned for tomorrow?”

“Are we going to talk about …” they spoke at the same time. “No, I thought I might leave Sam in nursery all day. He’s settled in now with the others,” she bit her lip.

“Sounds like a plan. What will you do with all that free time?”

“I hadn’t thought that far ahead. Maybe afternoon naps,” she chuckled at him when he rolled his eyes at her.  “About today…”

“We don’t have to have a post mortem about it,” Roman said quietly.

“I want to talk; I mean that is the thing isn’t it? I keep too much inside?”

“It has been a big part of it,” he admitted.

“Unless you are too tired,” she bit her lip worriedly again.

“No, go on, you’ve obviously got something on your mind.”

He’d taken hold of her hand and she had to acknowledge that without that gesture she might have retreated. She might have only seen the negative in his words rather than the encouragement.

“Irene said something,” she began.

“About?”

“My dad…” she paused as she said the word ‘dad’ forcing herself to press on, “about him dancing actually and I said I didn’t inherit my dancing skills from him.”

“Ah and that triggered you crying?”

“It did. I don’t know about this man who fathered me. Aside from what he did. I don’t know what he looked like. If I get my freckles from him or my hair colour.”

“You look like your mother,” Roman said quietly, “and your grandmother.”

“How do you know that?”

“Your Dad keeps a photo of them in his study, behind his desk if you need to go see it.”

“How … did you ask him?”

“No, didn’t have to,” Roman reached for his phone and handed it to her. She peered at the screen seeing a picture of her on there before handing it back to him watching as he put it back on his bedside table. “We keep the ones we love close to us.”

“And my grandmother?”

“Spitting images of you and those freckles are definitely genetic because our girls have them.”

“So do our boys,” she muttered.

“Yeah but the boys are a mixture of both of us. The girls look like you.  I’ve got some very beautiful daughters that are headed straight for convents.”

Ella groaned even as she reached out and poked him in the ribs.  She froze for a second and then groaned as he reacted by tickling her.

“Please so don’t,” she gasped out.

“Come on let’s get some sleep,” he murmured easing down in the bed.

She moved down beside him still uncertain about sleeping with him when he pulled her into his arms. 

“Night,” he murmured placing a kiss to the back of her neck.

“Night,” she responded and surprisingly she fell asleep instantly.

 

 

 

Next day when the knock at the door sounded Ella had no idea who could be the other side. She opened it to see a delivery man carrying a display of daisies and she hastily wiped her hands on her skirt before accepting the crystal vase from him. Setting it to one side she signed the delivery note and then she was left alone to open the card that came with it.

‘Dear Ella, will you do me the honour of accompanying me to the Ball this Saturday, Love Roman xx.’

She found that blushing thing she’d been doing a lot of lately happening again as she texted her response to him. Double xx’s right, she told herself. They had to be doing better if he put the double xx’s?  That thought was swiftly followed by the panic that she absolutely had nothing to wear; all her gowns were either in storage or at her studio. With an ‘eek’ sound she raced into the shower before dressing again and heading out shopping.  Shoes, underwear, a ball gown, she had to get everything and not a lot of time to do it, and even slot in a haircut or something.