Bound By Fear, Rescued By Love

[TelephotoMarigold]

 

Chapter 40

 

 

Roman pulled on his tuxedo jacket and checked he had his wallet and phone before heading down the stairs. He saw Irene and George waiting there and he greeted them as he walked into the kitchen and opened the pink cava he’d bought and poured out glasses for everyone, aside from Irene who got the non-alcoholic version. Handing the glasses out to Irene and George, he sipped from his own as he waited for Ella. 

“Is the car here yet?”

Roman turned at George’s question and gave a brief smile.

“It’s waiting outside,” he confirmed.

“Maybe we should leave Ella behind so I can go with my two James Bond’s?”

“I’ll let you explain that to Ella,” Roman smiled, “But I will say you look ravishing, almost tempting enough for me to consider …”

“Consider what soldier?” Ella murmured from the top of the stairs.

Roman whistled through his teeth as he looked at his wife. She was wearing a black gown with a halter neck. It skimmed her upper body like a second skin before flaring out in a full skirt.  She began to walk down the stairs towards him and it was then he noticed the long slits in the sides of her skirt and how he caught glimpses of her shapely legs as she moved.

“My god woman, what the hell are you doing to my blood pressure?” he growled out.

“You approve of my dress then?”

“You need to go take it off immediately,” he muttered.

She raised an eyebrow, “What, in front of everyone?”

“Grr,” he growled.

“I think that was my son-in-law’s way of saying that you look amazing,” George said.

“No, this is my way of saying she looks amazing,” Roman vaulted up the four steps to where Ella was; he took her in his arms and pressed a deep passionate kiss to her lips grinning at her as she frowned at him.

“Hey soldier,” she murmured quietly, “Looking very handsome there,” she brushed her hand along his shoulder and down his arm.

He slipped his arm through hers and led her down the rest of the stairs and over to where George and Irene were standing.  “Let me get your drink,” he murmured disappearing to fetch her drink and reclaim his own from earlier.  

“So how drunk are you planning on getting tonight?”

Roman shot her his little boy grin, “Drunk enough.”

Ella sipped from her glass and nodded at his unspoken question.  His sole mission in life was to find wines that she liked, he thought with a grin.

“Are we ready?” George asked after a time.

Roman nodded and smiled as Ella gave last minute instructions to the two babysitters she’d hired and then they went out to the limousine he’d booked for the evening.  The car took them over to the officers mess where they presented their tickets and received a number of raffle tickets in return, the draw to be taken later in the evening.  Easing away from the group he made his way over to the bar and ordered the first round of drinks, vodkas for himself and Ella, a scotch for George and a chilled glass of orange juice for Irene.  He located the table where they were sitting and placed the tray down handing out the drinks.

The marquee was decorated with all things James Bond, including roulette tables and an authentic Austin DB7.  One of the prizes was a session on a racetrack with the option of driving the car and he had to admit he was tempted by it.

“This is amazing,” Ella murmured looking around.

“Yeah amazing until you insist on making me dance.”

“Oh shush you,” she scolded him. “You know you enjoy showing off your moves,” she added.

Irene looked from one to the other before she took hold of George’s hand, “Let’s dance ourselves before they show us up.”

“I was afraid this was going to happen,” George mock groaned before leading Irene to the dance floor.

“Are your guys here?”

“Some of them must be,” he shrugged.

“Not going to introduce me?”

“In that dress? Are you kidding?” he grinned at her.

She stroked down the dress looking suddenly nervous and he reached out and caught hold of her hand. 

“I’m teasing you, aside from on our wedding days I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look lovelier,” he murmured softly his lips near her ear, “or sexier. I really just want to take you home and ravish you.”

“Behave,” she gasped.

“Come on, let’s go to the tables and try our luck,” he eased up and pulling out the chair for her he escorted her over to the other side of the room and the gaming tables. They spent a while there gambling with the proceeds going to the local charities and although Roman had been lucky and managed to win he too donated his winnings.  

From there they moved through the marquee to where the food was, selecting items from the buffet before heading back to the table. They saw that Irene and George had the same idea and the foursome ate the well prepared food.   More drinks followed and then one of Ella’s favourite songs began to play. He grinned at her as she nodded and then guided her to the dancefloor, taking her into his arms as they moved to the music.   More dancing followed then it was time for the prize draw where none of them won anything before heading home to relieve the babysitters. 

“I’m off to bed,” Irene said kicking off her shoes and heading up the stairs.

“Me too,” George said quickly after Roman poked him in his back.

“I’m going to go check on the…”

“No,” Roman tugged on her hand.

“The children,” Ella muttered.

“In a minute, first we are going to go outside and have a nightcap,” Roman said to her pulling on her hand again.

“Really?” She glared at him.

“Yes, really, come on.”

“Good god man,” she muttered as she followed him outside and over to the patio table where he’d put the drinks.  She eased down on the chair and accepted the glass of vodka he gave her sipping from the cut crystal glass.

“Now that it is after midnight, you do know what the date is don’t you?”

“A date or the date?” She asked giving him a look.

“The date,” he said smiling at her.

“No, we don’t celebrate it,” she muttered sounding fierce.

“We don’t? We really don’t? Even when I’ve made you a chocolate cake and everything?”

“Chocolate? Wait, no. We do not celebrate my birthday,” she scowled.

Roman smirked at her before he reached into his pocket and withdrew a card, placing it on the table in front of her. She glared some more when he added a small gift box.

“I hate you Harris,” she groaned rolling her eyes even as she reached for them  She opened the card first and laughed out loud as she saw he’d crossed out the word birthday on it instead he’d written ‘just another ordinary day with nothing special happening whatsoever’.

As for the present he’d got her a pair of gold earrings bearing a simple design. Nothing flash or too expensive as her real present was coming next weekend, he thought with a grin thinking of the surprise he’d arranged.

She glared at him as she opened the box before standing and moving over to him, sitting daintily on his lap.

“Thank you,” she whispered before kissing him.

He kissed her back, his arms going around her. It had been a long time since he’d held her like this, since they’d kissed.  And it seemed an incredibly long time since they’d made love he thought as his body reacted to her.

“We…” he began.

“Why did you drink vodka tonight? Dad said there were single malts behind the bar?”

“There were, including a 30 year old Islay malt,” he smiled, “but I hoped that maybe we could …” he paused and looked in her eyes.

“So protecting me again?”

Ella eased off his lap and moved away from him.

“Yes.”

“I can’t have you…”

“It’s my job to protect you,” Roman said quietly, “I can have whisky any time I want I know that.  But right now I was happy with vodka, with sharing my wife’s favourite drink.  I’m going up to bed, goodnight.”

“Roman…” she protested.

“I’m tired, it’s been a wonderful night,” he said slowly.

“Even after I just ruined it?”

“Have you?”

“I brought that up… I… “

He ignored what she was referring to, not wanting to dwell on the attack on his wife, “Are you coming to bed?”

She nodded and collected her things from the table walking through the house with him and up the stairs.

He pushed open the bedroom door and stood to one side to allow her inside.  She moved to the dressing table and put her things on there before beginning to remove her jewellery.  He watched her for a moment and then slipped off his jacket, putting it on the hanger, the bowtie was next to go and he breathed a sigh of relief when he pulled it clear of the collar and draped it over the hanger.

“Good job tomorrow is Sunday,” she murmured with a yawn.

“And you think you are going to get a lie in with our kids?”

“I think it’s a good idea for their granddad and nana Rene to take them out,” she suggested giving him a cajoling look.

“Good luck with that plan,” he said as he undid the studs on his shirt pulling it out of the waistband of his trousers. Moving over to her he held out his hands towards her so she could take out his cufflinks.  “Problem?” he asked her when her hands shook as she unfastened the cufflinks.

“No, no problem,” she whispered.

“Okay,” Released from the gold links he stripped off the shirt and tossed it over towards the laundry basket.

“Roman!” She gasped.

“What?”

Ella shook her head at him before glaring as he removed his trousers and boxers moving over to the bed and getting under the covers. Putting his hands behind his head he lay there looking at her with a grin on his face.

“I er..”

“Don’t mind me,” he murmured.

She began blushing again before striding to the end of the bed and beginning to strip off her clothes, first removing her dress letting it land on the floor in a pool of black silk and then she unhooked the stockings from the garter belt taking that off before rolling the silk stockings down off her legs and leaving them pooled on the floor beside the dress.  She turned her back to him and began unhooking the lace basque, one hook at a time until she reached the last hook and then catching it she turned again facing him, the lace material pressed against her body.  Looking him in his eyes she moved her hand away and let it too drop to the floor. That left her in just eh silk and lace panties that matched the other underwear.  She placed her thumbs inside the side of her panties and hooking them she slipped them down her legs and stepped daintily out of them until she was naked.  Standing in front of him she made no move to cover herself, her long hair had been half pinned up and now she lifted her arms taking out the pins letting it fall down in a riot of tousled curls.

“Very very nice,” he said in a gruff voice.

She nodded and moved around the bed getting in hurriedly beside him as though she was suddenly overcome with shyness.

“Are we… er…” she gasped out.

Roman stroked her face and leaned over to kiss her gently on the lips.   He stroked her arms and then her back as he pulled her gently closer towards him.

“Would you like to make love wife?” She nodded shyly, her curled hair falling over to shield her blushing face from him.  “I would like to make love,” he whispered against the side of her neck. “I’d like to kiss you here,” his fingers brushed over her breasts before sliding down her stomach and grazing down her thigh before he brought it back up to rest on her arm.

He followed his hand’s movement with gentle kisses sighing against her silken skin as she responded to him, as she touched and kissed him in turn.  Moving over her body he stilled when she placed her hands on his chest.

“Stop,” she cried, her voice sounding panicked.

“El,” he muttered.

“I’m not…. I … “

“Tell me,” he said softly kissing her lips again, “It’s okay if you don’t want too,” he added quickly.

“No… I er… we need protection,” she gasped out. “When I was gone I came off the pill.”

Roman stilled before rolling off her and to the side. He opened his bedside drawer and withdrew a new packet of condoms.

“How long have you had those?” She asked suspiciously.

“Since yesterday,” he shrugged.

“I’m sure,” she muttered. “I’ve changed my mind I don’t want to have sex with you.”

He groaned before putting the condoms back in the drawer unopened and stood from the bed to reclaim his bathrobe.

“Okay,” he murmured pulling it on and heading to the door.

“Where are you going?”

“To have a shower.”

“No,…” she looked at him and then began to cry.

“What is it El?”

“I… why.. I… can’t do this. You should divorce me.”

“Okay,” he said again and moved out of the door and over to the bathroom.  Disrobing he stepped under the cool water and let it sluice down his body.  He washed hurriedly and towelled himself dry before putting the bathrobe on and heading back to the bedroom. Ella had tidied up their clothes and was in bed, her light switched off.

“Roman,” she whispered.

“I’m not divorcing you,” he said quietly. “That’s not an option so whatever is going on inside your head you need to forget it or get over it.”

He moved back to the bed sliding naked under the covers once more and pulling her into his arms he reached for his light.

“I keep thinking of all the things I used to be able to do. Seduce my husband with a sexy striptease. Not question every little thing, like him drinking vodka. I keep thinking that maybe I can move on and then I’m sucked back down.”

“That is depression El; it’s not the trauma of the rape.  It was horrible to watch you trying to deal with that and not being able to say the right stuff, not being able to do anything to help you.  If by choosing not to drink whisky one night helps then I’ll do that because it’s such a small miniscule thing in the great scheme of things. And the condoms? Do you think I would buy them because there is someone else? Really?”

“I don’t know, why did you buy them?”

“Because I wanted to make love to you and be safe.”

“How did you know we needed them?”

“I didn’t, until you told me. I got them just in case.”

“I…”

“I have to second guess you a lot of the time because we aren’t talking Ella. I can’t help what you are thinking when you don’t tell me.”

She turned in his arms and looked at him before leaning over and kissing him.

“Do you still want to make love? Have I put you off?”

“A little, why?”

“I might be thinking about ravishing you right now,” she whispered blushing again.

Roman rolled over and lifted her up and on top of him.

“Ravish away it’s a pack of 12, let’s see how many we can get through,” he said laughing as she blushed scarlet.

 

 

[TelephotoMarigold]

WARNING: Mild Swearing.

 

 

 

Chapter 41

 

Roman smiled as Ella stood at the door waiting for him as instructed.  He leaned down and kissed her, feeling her hand stroking down his arm as she leaned closer to him.  A week had gone by just like that and it was time for the surprise he’d arranged.  He thought about the look on her face when she realised what he’d done and grinned what he suspected she called his little boy grin.

“Hey soldier,” she called softly leaning close to him and he could smell the expensive perfume she wore on special occasions. She’d dressed in a dark blue dress that skimmed her curves like a second skin and once again he thanked his lucky stars that he was married to such a beautiful woman as his eyes feasted on her.  He was in his normal white dress shirt and black trousers having changed before he came home.

“Hey yourself,” he said back and looked behind her to see Irene with Sam. They were in on the surprise, not that he could keep it a secret from them when he worked out the logistics. “Babysitters okay?”

“We’re good darl, off you go,” Irene called back.

“We should definitely go before Meggy realises her Daddy is home,” Ella said softly.

Roman laughed as he led Ella out and over to the car. He shared a look with Irene, winking at the other woman out of sight of Ella. 

“So has anyone let on where I’m taking you to dinner tonight?”

“Can’t be very romantic I got told to wear flat shoes,” Ella grouched.

“Consider yourself lucky I had to shower and change with twenty guys,” Roman shot back.

Ella tilted her head to one side and looked at him.

“Twenty fit guys?”

“Mrs Harris!” he threw back his head and laughed.

“Well,” she blushed as she cast a look at him.

“Good job I restocked the drawer yesterday.”

“Roman!” she gasped out and then gave him a look when he pulled over into the parking lot of a local hotel.

“Er…” she muttered.

“It has a good restaurant,” he said smoothly as she looked over at him.

“I’m not sure if I should trust you,” she said.

He chuckled as he climbed out of the car, coming around to her side to open the door for her. Taking hold of her hand he led her into the hotel, past the front desk and through the double doors that led into the restaurant. She gave him another look before gasping as she saw who was inside waiting for them.

“Roman,” she moaned bursting into tears and hugging him.

“Happy non-birthday surprise,” he whispered into her ear before she was engulfed by people.  Nic and Mike were the first to hug her then Aden and Belle.  She made her way around everyone and then the children in turn before coming back to his side.

“Surprise darl,” Irene said from behind them leading in Meggy and Sophie as George brought his two grandsons in.

“I had no idea any of you could be this sneaky,” she moaned at them tears still slipping down her face.

“Blame Dad, he did it,” Nic said quietly.

“He didn’t tell me until yesterday that he’d booked my flight,” Mike muttered giving Roman a look, “thought I couldn’t keep it a secret.”

“I see,” Ella gave him a look before she hugged Mike again.

“Let’s get drinks and food sorted and then we can catch up,” Roman said smoothly going over to the bar and organising service for them.

“Sophie, Sophie,” Amy-Belle cried out running over to her.

“AB!” Sophie lisped.

“Amy,” Meggy said holding out her hand to her.

“Come on kids,” Irene took them over to the side of the room and organised them leaving the others to catch up.

“I still can’t believe he did this,” Ella shook her head.

“You mean you can’t believe I’m that sneaky,” Roman said to her.

“Well you better believe it, he told me if I let on what he was planning then he would use me as target practice,” Aden said quietly as he sat at the table.

“Geoff only told me yesterday. I only managed to pack one bag,” Nic gave a pout.

“I think that is Nic speak for she wanted to borrow your clothes,” Irene said giving a grin as Nic blushed.

“Most of my clothes are in Summer Bay,” Ella murmured quietly.

Nic leaned forward suddenly alert, “Really?”

“Nicole,” Roman said quietly.

“So how did you celebrate your birthday?” Belle asked changing the subject.

“Roman made me a chocolate cake and we had a picnic in the lounge,” Ella smiled.

“Pink nics Mama?”

She turned at Meggy’s question smiling again at her daughter.

“Not tonight,” Roman answered grinning as Meggy pouted at him.  She was the spitting image of his wife and he knew he had trouble saying no to her because of it. Catching sight of George looking at him he gave the man a smile despite the fact they were not on the best of terms right then. Ella’s father hadn’t been fond of this plan of his to surprise Ella with everyone.

The waiter approached them bringing over their drinks and handing them out. He made sure that Ella’s favourite vodka was available and saw her giving him a look as she accepted a glass and took a cautious sip.

“I can see that my sneakiness seems to be rubbing off on my husband,” she commented.

“I’m glad you phrased it like that,” Mike muttered giving his mother a look.

Roman let out a laugh as Ella immediately blushed bright red.

“She actually wasn’t impressed when I said I had a big surprise for her and then pulled up outside a hotel,” he commented.

“Grr…” Ella rolled her eyes as everyone laughed.

He moved to sit next to her and felt her hand immediately placed on his knee under the table and took it within his own.

Geoff looked at his wife before he spoke, “So come on what is it like back on base?”

“I’m living with my dad, we have to be in bed by nine and no parties,” Ella punned.

“I’m living with my father-in-law who is one of my commanding officers. I’d love to spend the evening with you but I’m on guard duty later,” Roman joked.

“As if I could arrange that…”

“Granddad!” Mike gasped.

There was a smattering of laughter and talking amongst everyone leaving him the chance to speak to Ella quietly.

“Did I do okay?”

“Perfect,” she said back to him. “Thank you; this was just what I needed.”

“Good,” he murmured leaning over and kissing her.

“Enough of that,” Nic called out.

“Yeah, yuck!” Mike added.

Ella laughed and shook her head before kissing him again.

 

 

 

 

 

Ella rolled over waking up. She pulled up the covers tighter around and looked over at Roman’s profile.

“Morning,” he said quietly, “How are you feeling?”

“Ravished,” she said the first word that came into her head and flushed as he laughed at her.

“That was my intention,” he grinned, leaning over and kissed her again.

“I don’t think you missed anywhere,” she muttered looking at him.

“In my ‘mission to kiss you all over’?” he quoted her from the previous night,  “You’d think you’d learn not to throw out challenges like that to me.”

“I was drunk!”

He laughed again before climbing out of bed and finding his bathrobe. She noticed red marks on his back that were from her nails and blushed again.

“We’re doing a bbq today,” he announced, “so we need to do some shopping. Maybe take the kids swimming at the hotel with the others first? What do you want to do?”

“Me?” She blushed again; “er…” she muttered having been lost in thought as she gazed at his physique.  All the running and gym work he’d been doing lately had left him looking very lean and muscular. More so than ever before and although she didn’t go for the muscle bound types she had to admit to finding her man even more attractive if that were possible.

“That isn’t an option,” he said as he moved around the bed and bending down he kissed her again before spanking her behind. “Scoot,” he instructed.

She gave a sigh and climbed out of bed herself walking through the bedroom naked.  Perching on the stool near the dressing table she lifted the hairbrush and began to detangle her hair.

“That’s not going to work,” he muttered.

“Really?”  She fluttered her eyelashes at him, their gazes meeting in the reflection in the mirror.

“Really,” he smiled and walked over to the door.

Ella stood up and walked over to him. She kissed him slowly and trailed her hand down his chest slipping it underneath his bathrobe. She enclosed his sex with her hand and began stroking him.

“Ella Harris,” he moaned before lifting her up and carrying her over to their bed. Covering her body with his own he shrugged out of his bathrobe and began to love her again.

“I love you,” she whispered kissing along his jaw and then his mouth.

 

 

 

Ella watched as all the children ran around the garden at her father’s house, Nic and Geoff’s children, her and Roman’s and Aden and Belle’s.  The three toddlers were included in the games too with Brett keeping a cautious eye on them. She was sitting down the garden with Mike, having finally found a quiet moment to talk to him.

“Dad made me go back to school. Told me he couldn’t cope with me and the other kids,” Mike sniffed.

“That was…”

“Mean,” Mike nodded, “yeah, well it made me mad for a while but he knew it would. He was making me focus on other stuff instead of you.”

“I am sorry, I never meant to leave. I never meant to scare anyone like that; I went for a drive and crashed. The car went off the side of the road. I hit my head on the windscreen.  When I woke up in hospital it was two days later.”

She paused before continuing. Telling Mike she found her biological father’s house without going into detail she just explained that she got his next address and went there.   That now she was tracing him down she couldn’t bring herself to stop.  The detail she left out was how she was conceived because Mike didn’t need to know that bit.  He didn’t need that baggage too, she decided.

“I think I understand.”

“I’m home now and I’m working on things.  I’m seeing someone who is helping me make sense of things and…”

“You and Dad aren’t going to divorce are you?” he asked suddenly.

“No,” she said immediately.

“You still want to be with him? Because when you left like that and he said he was going to be working here,” Mike gave her a look.

“I support your Dad in this posting. He needed it. He’s happy here.”

“And not back in the Bay?”

“He’s happy wherever he is; he’s that sort of guy. I…”

“Where are you happy Mum? He’s pretty selfish dragging us all over the place. Why can’t he move into the studio? We lived there for a long time.”

“Mike I’m happy wherever we are.”

“But if you were happy you wouldn’t have run away,” he gasped out.

“I didn’t run away, I got side-tracked,” Ella gasped back. “I didn’t leave you, your Dad or your siblings because I was unhappy being here I left because I had to find out some information. “

“Did you find it out?”

“Not really,” she whispered.

“Then why did you come back?”

She looked over at Roman holding Sophie on his hip as he cooked the BBQ.  He looked happy, smiling at his daughter as he talked to her, although she couldn’t hear what he was saying, Sophie was giggling at him.

“Because of that,” she pointed over to her husband, “because of you, because of all of you.”

“Why can’t you see what we see Mum?”

She felt herself flinch, “What do you see Mike?”  She asked despite being scared of his answer.

“That we love you. That Dad loves you.  I heard him and Granddad arguing after you left and Granddad wasn’t happy. He blamed Dad for you leaving and hit him.”

“I see,” Ella murmured looking at her father and then her husband before focusing on Mike.

“I’m not gossiping,” Mike defended.

“It’s okay,” she said quietly feeling subdued again.

“Well, Dad said he wasn’t going to take the posting and he’d told you that. He said that it’s all very well Granddad being concerned now but where was he when you were pregnant with the twins and he arranged for Dad to go overseas.”

“I guess they needed to clear the air,” she murmured putting her arm around Mike and moving closer to him.

“That wasn’t Granddad was it? I mean just because…”

“No, Granddad was there at the time but he didn’t get your Dad recalled,” she bit her lip because thinking of that time had her thinking of other things that she didn’t want to be reminded off.

“Looking serious over here,” Geoff called out walking towards them.

“Just chatting about things,” Ella smiled up at the other man before giving Mike a kiss and pointing him in the direction of the other kids. He nodded at her before going over to join them.

“Mind if I sit?”

“Go ahead,” she said quietly.

“Nic isn’t happy with Roman’s decision,” he began.

“Nothing I can say to her,” Ella bit her lip.

“It’s okay she’ll work through it,” he commented taking a drink from his beer.

“It wasn’t Roman’s decision, it was ours,” she murmured slowly.

“I doubt it. Mike said you left for three weeks when you found out.”

“I…er… I…”

“I didn’t tell Nic if that is what you are worried about. She’d no doubt find some way to blame Roman, or you, and blow it up out of proportion. I figured that you needed some space,” he said quietly.

“I was looking for my biological father. The man who raped my mother.”

“That must be difficult to come to terms with,” Geoff said.

“It is,” she blinked back tears and pinned a smile on her face.

“For both of you,” he added.

“Not for Roman, he doesn’t care,” she grimaced. “I mean that he doesn’t care because this man is only my genetic father.  That’s what he called him.  I mean obviously I get some stuff from him but the important stuff I get from that man over there who always tried to make things better for me.  He was there at dance recitals and gymnastic tournaments, and watched me race. That’s my father.”

“And if you’d stayed and talked it over with Roman before you went looking?”

“Roman would have said the same stuff to me. I’m not receptive to what Roman says though,” she grimaced.

“Because?” Geoff prompted.

“Because he loves an Ella who at the moment doesn’t really exist. She’s buried under all this other stuff and ..”

“That’s funny because we’ve seen him with you when you were really hurting and he was kind and patient and just there. Why won’t you let him be there for you now?”

She had no answer for the longest time before she finally spoke, “Because he might not like what comes out of this.”

“And what can come out of this?”

She turned and looked at Geoff her eyes shining with tears, “I won’t want to be with him. I won’t love him.”

“Why Ella?”

“Because he …” she stopped looking over at her husband, “because he doesn’t need me. He can’t love who I am.”

“Do you love him?”

Ella had to stop and think. Normally the answer would be off course she loved him. Hadn’t she told him this morning when they were making love she asked herself, and last night when she’d been dancing with him. When they’d held hands, when they’d come home together and he’d carried her up the stairs and tucked her in bed before seeing to the children. Taking care of everything like always.

“I…” she stopped unable to finish the sentence.

“Looking serious over here darl,” Irene called to them as she walked to the bench where they were sitting.

“Just chatting,” Geoff stood and gestured for Irene to take his seat.

 “I’m going to go see Roman,” Ella said quietly and without looking at either of them she walked up the garden to her husband.

“Not just chatting then,” Irene commented slowly.

“Honestly it was just chatting,” Geoff grinned and sat with the other woman.

 

 

Ella moved over to Roman and placed her hand on the small of his back, “I need to talk to you.”

“Can it wait?”

“Not really,” she bit her lip and looked up at him.

“Off you go,” he placed Sophie down on the ground and watched as she ran over to the other children.  Checking on the food he nodded and led her inside and into her dad’s study closing the door behind them.

“I just got asked if I love you,” she said biting on her lip again.

“I had a feeling Geoff knew something,” he said quietly as he moved the stuff on the desk to perch on a corner of it.

“I… couldn’t answer him.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s not simple, it’s not easy. I’ve changed, what I want from us is changed.”

“It’s a feeling. A non-committal feeling.  You either feel it or you don’t.  How can that not be easy to answer?”

“I don’t know if I feel it. I’m stuck.”

“By?”

“By us, by our history,..”

“By our children? Problem solved Ella, I’ve just freed you from everything.” He pulled the car keys from his pocket and placed them in her hand. “There you go, just do what you want I’ll take care of everything.”

She stood there looking at the keys in her hand and then at him as he walked away from her and back to the party.  Taking some very deep breaths she sucked in oxygen to calm her suddenly frantic beating heart. She was free. She was free of everything.  Turning around she walked out of the study and dropped the keys on the hallway table before re-joining the party.  She could feel people watching her, Geoff and Irene, Mike and lastly Roman.  Walking to his side she put her hand on the small of his back again.

“Maybe I need you to fight for me,” she whispered only loud enough for him to hear.

“I do fight El, I’m fighting every day. I’m exhausted from fighting.”

“I…”

“I can’t keep doing this. We can’t keep doing this. I know what you went through, what you discovered in those three weeks I understand why you thought you had to do that but I can’t condone you doing it when you knew we’d go crazy not knowing you were okay,” he said slowly.

“How could you know?” her voice was barely above a whisper now.

“I checked it out.”

“Why? Why would you … how?”

“I looked at the GPS in the car and went looking,” he admitted casting a look around the garden making sure they weren’t being overheard.

“I can’t believe you did that!” she hissed.

“Because my wife wasn’t talking to me.”

“I…” she flinched.

“And now she doesn’t even love me so I have nothing to lose anymore,” he added still keeping his voice down.

Ella glared at him before storming off back into the house. She stopped near the fridge and took out a beer, opening it up and taking a long drink feeling the cool liquid slide down easily.

“Shouldn’t have done that,” Roman said from behind her, “because now you can’t drive anywhere.”

Spinning around she looked at him.

“Maybe you should leave. Maybe…” she couldn’t finish the sentence because Sophie had run back to her father’s side.

“Hey, Sophie, Mama and me are talking,” Roman knelt down to her level and looked at her.

“I’s want to helps agains,” Sophie murmured pointing to the BBQ.

“In a bit,” he promised.

“No, that’s okay. You and Dada go sort the food out.”

Roman gave her a look before lifting Sophie up and going back to the BBQ. He sorted out the food and began serving up for everyone. Sophie helped or hindered but soon everyone had food.

She made herself useful helping the younger children all the while feeling like a storm was brewing.  She dreaded them leaving her along with Roman because she knew they’d argue and put off saying goodbyes when eventually people left heading back to the hotel. Then it was sorting the kids out before they were alone.

“I’ll pack a bag. I’m sure I can get a room in the officer’s mess.”

“Please …” she cried.

“Please what Ella?  Everything is about what you want, what you need, how you want it… I’m happy to be patient, to help you anyway I can but you don’t love me so there is no point is there?”

“I…”

“You’ve said it…”

“No I haven’t. I… do…”

“Do what?”

“Love you. I do. I can’t bear the thought of you leaving right now. I can’t…” she groaned.

“No. You don’t love me. You just don’t want me to leave you.”

“I… don’t but I ..”

Roman walked away from her and up the stairs to their bedroom. She watched him go and felt utterly defeated. She felt lost. Nothing she could say could stop him from leaving her and she’d clumsily gone about things so she hurt him again.

“What’s up Princess?” Her father and Irene came in through the door after taking some of the others back to the hotel.

Turning she looked at her dad and gave him a smile. “Nothing,” she said quietly.

“Look done in Darl, why don’t you go get an early night?”

“Good idea,” Ella said slowly, “night,” she added and began a very slow climb up the stairs. She expected Roman to come out of the bedroom carrying a bag and leaving any second and found her heart beating like a drum in her chest.

She found him sitting on the bed a half packed bag besides him and in his hands was her nightdress. He was holding it like it was an IED about to go off any second and she stopped still.  She found she was holding her breath and she hastily breathed out.

“Roman,” she whispered.

“I can’t leave,” he said pushing her nightdress away.

“I don’t want you to leave. I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just can’t get things out of my head,” she said in a rush.

“No, I can’t leave. It would prove your father right. I am no good for you. I am the reason why…”

Ella moaned and rushed over to him and clutched at him. “No, this isn’t your fault. None of it.”

Roman pulled away from her and stood up. 

“You sleep in the bed I’ll crash on the floor,” he muttered pulling back from her reaching hands.

“Roman Harris,” she muttered, “Why don’t you have a middle name?”

He looked at her then, “What?” he said puzzled.

“Look I’ve got millions of names.  Why do you just have two? It’s really annoying when I want you to pay attention to me,” she added.

“What do you want?”

“I love you.”

“No Ella, stop saying it. We both know it’s not true.”

“I love you Roman Harris, I bloody love you.  I’m in love with my husband. I want my husband. I bloody love my flipping husband, okay?”

He caught hold of her arms and held her away from him.

“No. You don’t love me. You are scared that I’m leaving. I won’t leave. We can muddle along but you don’t love me.”

“Roman,” she glared at him before pulling away and storming out of the room and along the corridor over to her father’s room and knocked on the door. He opened it up slowly.

“Ella?” George murmured coming to the door in his bathrobe obviously woken up by her knock.

“This is me. It’s not him. It’s all me.” She muttered.

“What is?”

“This depression. He isn’t responsible. It’s my fault for not talking to him.  I should have told him I needed help but I thought if I kept it hidden then he wouldn’t have to worry about me.”

“Okay Ella,” George gave her a puzzled look and then over at Roman behind her.

“I love him, he’s my husband and I bloody love him,” she all but shouted at her father.

“That’s good to know darl,” Irene said quietly from the doorway of her room down the corridor, having also been woken up too by Ella.

“Do you know it Dad? Do you? Because you seem to be taking it out on him when none of this is his fault.”

“Whose fault is it? He let Gardy…”

“You let Mum hit me,” Ella told him quietly.

“I…” George took a step back.

“Ella Harris,” Irene gasped out shocked.

“We can all assign blame Daddy. We can say it’s this moment or that moment.  Roman nearly died trying to get to me before Gardy hurt me.  The second time Gardy nearly killed him. Roman would do anything for me. He’d take the blame for this if he had too. He’d let me hurt him and push him away and talk about divorce if that is what I needed. He’d …. Love me,” she finished in a whisper and turned to look at Roman standing in the doorway of their bedroom. “He’d love me until the end of time because that is the man that he is. He’d love me despite every mean nasty thing I’ve thrown at him. He’d bring my family to me because he knew I needed to see them. He makes me feel special every day. He is my love and my husband and my saviour and you need to stop searching for someone to blame when there isn’t anyone.”

“Ella, come to bed,” Roman had come to her side and began leading her back to their room. 

“I..”

“I think you’ve said quite enough for one night,” Irene commented.

“Shut up Irene,” Roman murmured as he shut the door behind them.

“You just told Irene off,” Ella muttered.

“She’ll have forgotten by the time I go back to the diner,” he shrugged.

“I don’t think so,” Ella moved to the bed and collapsed down on it. “What do we do now?”

“Now? I think now we go to bed.”

She nodded feeling her strength leaving her and allowed Roman to undress her, putting that nightdress on from earlier and tucking her in under the covers. She sighed and closed her eyes so that she didn’t see him moving away from her and then she felt the bed dip the other side as he got in besides her.

“Roman?”

“Get some sleep,” he said quietly switching out the light.

 

 

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 42

 

 

Christmas was a quiet affair.  George had a trip planned and went overseas for the holidays and then made arrangements to go see Irene in Summer Bay which just left the kids and Mike to deal with not an easy task when Ella and Roman were barely talking to one another.  For the most part with the focus being on the kids it made things easier between them.  She’d been surprised when he presented her with a couple of presents, her favourite perfume and a gold pendant. Unable to think of anything special for him she ended up buying him clothes.  He’d murmured his thanks in the same tone of voice he used for everything these days and she’d smiled politely at him before accepting his kiss.  Mike had watched them like a hawk during this exchange and she freely admitted she’d used that to her advantage, extending the kiss, stroking his arm before putting her arms around him.

Roman had pulled back from her and then caught Mike watching them. She’d seen that look in his eyes, a kind of quiet anger that flared before he’d punished her with a devastating kiss before he’d retreated into the kitchen under the pretext of cooking.  That night he’d slept on the sofa away from her and she’d cried herself to sleep. This wasn’t the relationship she wanted and she hated the way they were with each other. It reminded her of how her parents were with each other she hated that too but in a way it made her realise just what her father had put up with for so many years.

Hanging up the last of the clothes in the wardrobe her hand brushed one of his uniforms, she’d taken over washing and ironing them in an effort to be more involved with his choice to be there, although he didn’t realise that, she thought with a loud sigh.  Mike had gone back to school yesterday and she was missing him already, missing having someone there just to be company as soon as the kids were in bed, she and Roman barely spoke. 

“El,” she heard Roman call from downstairs and she grabbed the empty laundry basket and ran down the stairs.

“Shush, kids are down for a nap,” she cautioned softly before looking puzzled.  “Why are you home now?”

“There’s been a problem with a unit in Iraq,” he began.

She gave him a look.

“Oh no, that’s not happening.”

“It’s one of my…”

“No.”

“Ella,” he began.

“No, no no. Absolutely not. At your age? Seriously telling me you are going to Iraq? Barely back in uniform and heading over there? Are you that desparate to get rid of me?”

“Ella,” he said again, “They are my men. I need to go.”

“I’ve said no. I’m still your wife. You have responsibilities here. Your kids or are you forgetting them? Is this some kind of mid-life crisis because if it is then just go out and get a sports car like everyone else?”

“I’m going,” he murmured quietly, “Five days.  In and out.”

“I’ve said no or aren’t you listening to anything I say anymore,” she threw the laundry basket down and cursed when she heard one of the kids wake up and start crying. “Dammit,” she gasped out giving him a look.

“Ella I…”

She shook her head at him before walking away and over to the kids room.  By the time she’d returned he was gone.  She ran back up the stairs and saw the empty space where his uniforms had been just moments before and cursed loudly. 

 

 

The first full day he was gone she cleaned the house from top to bottom.  Cleaning and vacuuming the carpets, washing the windows until they gleamed. Every surface was dusted and polished.  She even emptied the kitchen cupboards, washed the shelves before washing and putting everything back. Every bed was stripped; the mattress was hoovered and turned before the bed was remade with fresh linen.  At 11 o’clock she dropped into bed exhausted but couldn’t sleep. 

Back in the day when Roman had been out on a mission she’d had her photography to keep her busy and she didn’t keep focusing on the thought of the children growing up without him.  Nic had spent most of her life not knowing her father and although they were close now she knew Roman hated that he hadn’t been there for a long time.  How he could just leave without even saying goodbye to her or the children made her so mad.

The second day she had nothing to do.  She couldn’t settle down long enough to read, the print on the page would dance before her eyes as she tried not to cry.  She’d considered keeping the children off nursery so she had something to keep her occupied but that wasn’t fair on them when they needed routine.

Day three had her pinning her dad against the wall and poking him with her finger as she berated him at length for his treatment of Roman and then she told him at length that he was to go to Iraq himself and bring Roman home or so help her she’d kill him.

The fourth day she was a complete mess.  She jumped each time the phone rang, the landline or her mobile.   The children having picked up on her nervousness had played up, not wanting to go for their nap. Georgie had even escaped outside into the back garden and run around each time she tried to get him back into the house.  Eventually giving in to it she’d taken all the kids out and let them run off excess energy. After that she’d ordered pizza for them all and had one of their ‘pink nics’ in the living room.  She still hadn’t heard from Roman and with her father now avoiding her at all times she felt she couldn’t ask him to check one her husband.

Finally getting the children in bed that night she avoided her and Roman’s bedroom feeling too lonely in the bed by herself and instead she headed back to sofa despite the memories of sleeping on it when Roman didn’t trust her enough to share a bed with her.

She slept fitfully, tossing and turning until she came awake before the sun rose in the sky.  Getting up she made her way into the kitchen to brew a strong pot of coffee.  Today was one of the days she was to see her therapist and she dreaded it. Not that she hadn’t been making steady progress sorting through her thoughts and realising how they impacted on her actions, no she just didn’t want to sit in an office and discuss her issues when Roman was away.  There were other things she could be doing.  Other things were worth her worrying over and not some of the petty sounding issues that seemed to have stressed her before. 

It was day five. He said it would take five days.  She wondered if that included the time it took to get out there as drank the first of many coffees.  If he texted her then she wouldn’t be going so crazy. The parallels between her disappearing act and Roman heading overseas wasn’t lost on her. 

“Ella,” George called out walking in through the front door.

She bit her lip and told herself that whatever he said she was going to hold it together.

“I’m here,” she murmured quietly.

It took a moment before he joined her in the kitchen and she clutched at the handle of the coffee cup, feeling the ceramic pressing into the flesh. The pain she used as a distraction to prevent herself from sinking into the pit of negative feelings inside her.  

“His plane is due to land this afternoon,” George said quickly.

“He’s okay?”

“He’s fine.”

She sucked in a breath, feeling her legs shaking and all the control she had over her emotions shattered and the tears she’d refused to shed over the past week fell from her eyes.  She collapsed to the kitchen floor sobbing with relief, her cup spilling out coffee over the kitchen tiles.

“When he gets back I’m going to kill him,” she sobbed.

She heard her father laughing at her and she hiccupped looking up at him.

“Come on now,” he said softly coming down to sit next to her.

“What time does he get in?”

“14 hundred hours eta,” George said.

Eta stood for ‘estimated time of arrival’. It was at the same time as her appointment with her therapist. She gave a groan and wiped ineffectually at her eyes.  “I have stuff to do,” she muttered.

“You have to get some sleep, you know he’s safe so you can go back to bed for a while. I’ll take the kids to nursery.”

“Dad,” she protested but felt herself yawn at his suggestion.  “You’ve just come from work,” she pointed out.

“I’m fine,” he helped her up and gently pushed her towards the stairs. 

Walking the rest of the way there she saw him cleaning up the spilled coffee and felt a moment of guilt before yawning again.  Heading up she moved over to their bedroom and collapsed on the bed asleep in moments.

 

 

 

Roman looked around the men he was travelling back with. Some he’d trained along with others that he barely knew.  There was some silences amongst them as they remembered the three men who weren’t coming back with them but for the most part they were happy to be sitting on the C17 transport aircraft heading back to ‘Oz’.

“Who’s up for a beer as soon as we land?” A voice called out.

“Not me, got the mrs coming to meet me,” came a response followed by a spattering of other voices.

Leaning his head back he closed his eyes and thought about Ella.  Pulling out his phone he looked at the screen. It was on airplane mode so he couldn’t do anything except look he thought with frustration.  He wanted to know how she was doing, how the kids were and a part of him just wanted to check she hadn’t taken the kids and disappeared on him.

“What about you Lieutenant? Will we get to see this wife of yours?”

Roman opened his eyes and looked over at the guy who’d asked him the question.

“Yeah, exactly what type of woman can put up with you?” Another voice called out and Roman half shook his head.

“Not sure she’ll be there,” he said truthfully, “She might not be able to find anyone to look after the kids,” he added.

“Kids?” someone said, “god does that mean that in twenty years we’ll have to put up with your son joining up?”

“Worried Tomkins?”

“I didn’t think we’d get someone as bad as the drill instructor but you proved us wrong,” the man called out.

Roman laughed as he was supposed to. “I don’t think Ella will allow the boys into the army so you’ll probably be safe,” he murmured in response.

“Boys? Plural?”

“Yup,” Roman didn’t offer any further information.

One guy looked at him, “Just how many kids do you have?”

“Yeah, how come we know nothing about you!” another piped up.

“Because I’m your training instructor not your best friend,” Roman shot back grinning at them as he sprouted his usual refrain.  “but for the record I have seven kids.”

“Seven?”

“Good god man!”

He grinned at the ribbing and then laughed as a couple of guys threw condoms at him.

“One is a foster kid, one is adopted.  Four with my wife and one with my previous partner,” he muttered. “Thanks for these, I intend to use them tonight!” he added holding up one of the condoms.

“You probably need a demonstration with that many kids; you can’t be doing it right!”

Roman laughed.

“The first night back from Afghanistan four years ago my daughter was conceived,” he murmured, “I suggest you learn a lesson from that!”

“At least that’s what his Mrs tells him,” he heard muttered.

Roman inclined his head briefly before dismissing the rogue thoughts of Gardy.

The announcement that they were coming in to land had the men lapse into silence and he was grateful. He didn’t need to hear any more ribbing about his wife considering the state of their marriage.

He felt the lurch of the aircraft landing and after a time he grabbed his gear and like the others he moved off the plane and through the landing zone.  Much like a civilian airport arrivals he walked through with the other men watching as they reached the place where wives and girlfriends were waiting. 

Looking around he stopped and lifted his head. She was here he could sense her.  Stilling he paused and then caught sight of her standing off near the back.   Other wives, girlfriends and sweethearts were dressed up, wearing make-up with their hair done but Ella was wearing a pair of black shorts, a tight purple vest with one of his black vests over the top of that. Looking at her he saw black high heeled boots on her feet and black jet jewellery on one wrist along with a black studded cuff.  Her long hair was straightened making it seem even longer as it fell in a dark curtain around her face.  This Ella, this wonderful amazing Ella was dressed the same way as back in the day.  He recognised that immediately, that and her stance, one hand on hip, the other holding a pair of sunglasses as though she hadn’t a care in the world.

He felt himself falling a little bit more in love with her for the effort she’d made as he walked over to her.

“So I’m back and alive,” he said quietly.

“Alive for the moment,” she gave him a look that promised all kinds of torture before she threw her arms around his neck and leaned up to kiss him. “Just so you know you pull this stunt again and I’ll cut something off that you seem to think important,” she threatened.

Roman wrapped his free arm around her and held her close, close enough he could feel the pounding of her heart against him.  Leaning down he kissed her again, thinking of the month it had been since they’d made love.  The month it had been with barely a word spoken let along anything as intimate as a kiss.

“So that’s the LT’s mrs,” a voice called out followed by cat calls and whistles.

Roman eased back to see a teasing look in Ella’s eyes.

“Gentlemen,” he cautioned.

“Introduce us LT!”

“No wonder he has so many kids,” another voice added with a slow whistle as they looked over Ella.

Roman muttered something under his breath before he was led out by Ella over to their car. He climbed in besides her and rested back in his seat.  Between time zones and travel he was suddenly exhausted.  

“Okay?” She asked pulling up outside the house.

He realised that he’d been asleep and had missed the journey home.

“I’m fine,” he said stiltedly.

She moved into the house ahead of him stopping long enough to usher him up the stairs and he gratefully sank into bed falling asleep immediately, not even stopping to remove his boots.

 

Ella watched him as he fell asleep. He didn’t even realise she was there she thought with a sigh as she went to his side and removed his boots whilst he slept. His shirt was next, sliding one arm out and then waiting until he rolled over to get the other arm out, followed by his trousers.  She managed to put a cover over him before slipping down the stairs and retreating to the kitchen.  Her phone began to vibrate in her shorts pocket and she pulled it out to read the incoming texts. There were loads of them, starting with an apology for not being able to stay and talk things through, explaining that he had to leave to catch the flight.  Then he’d texted her every day and every night he was away letting her know he was okay. 

Reading them made her sad because she hadn’t texted him when she was away. She could have replaced her phone, could have swapped her contact details over. Anything. But she’d known he’d try and stop her from what she was doing.

Running up the stairs she took off her boots before sliding into the bed next to him.  He reached for her in his sleep and she smiled at that as she moved into his arms and snuggled.

Maybe, maybe this could lead somewhere, she thought with a smile on her face as she fell asleep. 

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 43

 

 

Roman awoke and looked around the room. He was ‘home’ although he used that term loosely, because this wasn’t his home this was Ella’s dad’s home.  Sighing he climbed out of bed realising that someone must have undressed him because he could swear he’d collapsed on the bed fully dressed a few hours ago. Grabbing his bathrobe he headed into the bathroom and showered before putting on clean clothes. Then it was heading down the stairs to find Ella.

That was the easy part; he could hear her singing with the kids. Not a nursery rhyme, no his beautiful wife was teaching them one of her favourite rock tracks.  He’d never forget the night after they first brought the twins home from the hospital, she was still fragile and two babies screaming had the power to reduce her to tears all too easily.  This one night they had refused to settle so she sang to them, obviously choosing the first song that came into her head a ‘Guns N Roses’ track, ‘Sweet Child of Mine’. Georgie had liked it more than Sophie he remembered but both children settled and from there is became a ritual that she sang to them.  She sang to all their children and he loved hearing her voice coming through the baby monitor when she didn’t think that anyone could hear her.

The only other times he had ever heard her sing was when she was working and he liked to think that maybe having the kids made her as happy as when she was taking photographs.

Walking silently into the room he saw her dancing around with a contented smiling Sam in her arms. Watching her it took her a few moments before she noticed him and stilled.

“Hello,” he murmured and grimaced for a nano-second as the over excited children ran over to him. They clung to his legs and demanded being picked up and he grinned as he did as they requested, taking all three over to the sofa before lowering them to the cushions and letting them go.

“agains!” Meggy shouted out.

“No agains, troublemaker,” Ella cautioned, “You’ll give your daddy a bad back,” she added.

Roman chuckled and collapsed on the sofa next to them.

“Do you want a drink?” Ella asked him as she placed Sam in his arms.

“No,” he murmured.

“Food?”

“In a bit,” he gave her a look. “Just want to be around these guys for a while,” he added.

She nodded at him in understanding before leaning down and pressing a kiss to his lips. He gave her a look, almost of surprise and she sighed.  “I’m going to go reclaim my coffee,” she announced slipping out of the room and into the kitchen away from him. Her hand was shaking as she reached for her cup and she groaned before flexing her fingers in an effort to stop the tremor.

“I’ve changed my mind I will have a coffee,” he said from behind her.

She nodded again knowing that if she’d spoken her voice would have betrayed how emotional she was at that moment. But he must have known because he moved to stand behind her and shifting her hair to one side he leaned his head down and kissed the back of her neck.

“I’ve missed doing that,” he whispered kissing her there again.

“Ro..” she tried to speak but her voice came out in a high pitched squeak.

“In fact I’ve missed kissing here too,” he added and kissed that spot on her shoulder he loved to kiss.

“oh my.,.. please stop,” she whispered.

“Okay,” he said and eased back.

“But hold that thought until later,” she said quickly as she reached for a cup and poured out coffee for him.  She handed him the cup and groaned as she realised she’d forgotten to add milk to it or even leave room for him to add his own milk.

“I’ll drink it black,”

“Roman,”

“El, we don’t have to talk right now, in fact I’m too exhausted to keep rehashing stuff between us.  I want to move on,” he said quickly.

“I want to move on too but I know we need to talk about some stuff. We need to stop sinking down into … whatever it was that keeps us from not communicating.  I’ve booked us some sessions with a marriage guidance counsellor as part of the next step in my therapy. Obviously I’m dropping this on you so…”

Roman interrupted her. “I want to go.”

“Okay, wow, er…” He smiled at her and she felt little flutters of reaction inside of her. “And later we can talk about Iraq,” she said quietly.

“nothing to talk about,” he shrugged.

“Okay,” she nodded again and cursed silently.  Nodding? Really Ella Harris, a voice mocked inside her head, all you are doing is just nodding when you know that he …

She cut off where those thoughts were going.  Roman seemed okay and she had to accept that for the moment. Besides he’d kissed the back of her neck in that way he had of making her knees go weak.

He eased away from her and headed back to the kids; she followed at a slower pace and glanced at her watch. It was time for the kids to go to bed but they’d had five days without their dad so … she weighed up the options before placing her cup down and moving to the tv putting a film on.

“I’m going to get them into their pyjamas and then we can snuggle for a bit,” she offered Roman, biting her lip as she waited for his response.

“thank you,” he said quietly, a grateful look on his face.

Rushing up the stairs she collected what she needed from their room and returned moments later.  Roman was sitting on the floor next to Meggy and had Sophie on his lap.  Georgie was standing next to Sam near the tv telling his brother who was who in the movie. The scene made her smile and she caught Roman looking at her in that way he had and she blushed. Making herself get busy she got the kids changed and then sat next to Roman on the floor. Sam immediately crawled over to her and climbed into her lap before focusing on the movie once more and awestruck expression on his face as he watched the Disney characters on the screen. 

Roman reached out and put his arm around her and she snuggled closer to him feeling his warmth pressing against her. She felt happy and ignored how strange the emotion felt.  Roman was willing to work on their marriage and she had to be content with that.

With the movie finished she and Roman carried sleepy children up to bed and tucked them in.  She couldn’t fail to notice that their girls were clinging to him, especially Meggy who was a Daddy’s girl. Finally settled they slipped out of the room and looked at one another.

“Food?”

He nodded at her question. “I could use something,” he admitted.

She moved ahead of him down the stairs and into the kitchen. He was soon beside her and together they concocted a hastily put together meal taking their plates through into the lounge together with a couple bottles of beer.

Gathering her last remaining shreds of courage she looked over at him as they sat together on the sofa, “Going to talk now?”

“It was a chopper crash. Some men were KIA.” She lowered her head briefly as she listened to him.  “Others retreated to a house for safety. We went in and found them.”

“Roman?”

“It wasn’t as easy as that though,” he shrugged.

“Want me to pretend it was?”

“Please,” his voice was quiet.

“My hero husband,” she said softly leaning over and kissing him.

“We’re in trouble El and I don’t know how to fight for us anymore. I don’t know what to say to you what to do…”

“And Iraq was an easy option?”

“Compared to being here, at the time it was.”

“I understand.”

“Do you El?”

“I do Roman, I do love you.  It all gets complicated when my depression takes over. I’m working on that.  The communication stuff, well it’s easier not to tell you anything because that way I never disappoint you or hurt you or even,” she stopped what she was saying and bit her lip.

“get scared I might hurt you?”

“No Roman, never. Not like that. Just a part of me can’t bear you to be angry.  I know we need to fight. We need to shout at each other when we do stuff that’s crappy to one another but I can’t fight.”

“Going to have to learn,” he murmured. “Because you made me fight when I couldn’t get angry with you.”

“I’ll try,” she promised him.

“Have we just had an actual conversation without mentioning divorce?”

“I think so. Maybe we need to do more of that?”

“I need to make love to you El,” he said suddenly.

“I know. I would like us to make love too, I’d like to show you I love you,” she bit her lip before putting her plate on the mahogany coffee table in front of them and taking his plate from him to do that same thing with that.  Moving she straddled him and wrapped her arms around his neck. He reached out for her, his hands on her waist steadying her.

“I don’t want to,” he began.

“You aren’t using me. I want us to make love. I want to feel you holding me and kissing me,” she told him.

“Back in the day when …”

“When it was rough and we’d become lovers it’s how I showed you that no matter what happened out there it didn’t change you. Not really. You were still Roman Harris.”

He nodded a tear slipping down his face.

“I need us El, I need you tonight, to ..”

“I’m here and I need you too, I need us to make love and be together with none of the drama. Can you please make love to me husband?”

He nodded and she suspected that he was too emotional to speak.  Yes, back in the day she’d hold him and kiss him when he returned back to camp. Then after they became lovers as soon as he returned he’d come to her. He’s turn to her over and over again. She realised that he was somehow cleansing himself with her.  Of course she’d make love with him tonight; she needed that as much as him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Roman prodded her again and for the second time she ignored him.  She felt him standing up from the bed and moving around it to stand at the bottom of the bed.

“Get up,” he called out yanking the covers off her.

“Go to …” she swore at him sitting upright.

He was dressed in his running clothes and she narrowed her eyes looking at him.

“I told you we are going out,” he murmured.

“I figured if I had that extra sex with you last night you’d forget you had this idea of getting me up at… what the hell is the time anyway?”

“And I very much enjoyed all of the extra sex last night, especially that thing you did with your tongue but now get up because we are going out for a run together,” he laughed at her as she blushed.

“I hate you Harris, totally hate you,” she grouched getting up from the bed. She threw him a look after she noticed the time and glared at him. “I think we can safely say that thing with my tongue is never happening again,” she muttered striding over to the wardrobe and pulling out her running gear.  “How did you get my Dad to agree to look after the kids again?”

“I told him that if he didn’t do I’d divorce you…”

Ella gasped and reached for the first thing she could get her hands on and threw it at him.  He caught it just as it hit him in the face and smirked at her as he held up a black negligée, holding it in his hands and inspecting it. “Are you going to model this for me later?”

“You insufferable….” She groaned.

“Hurry up before the kids wake up.”

Ella shook her head and pulled on her clothes before sitting on the just made bed to put on her trainers.  She stood and faced him.

“Ready?”

He grinned at her before they walked out of the bedroom and down the stairs. He opened the door for her and she moved through it heading down the path. Roman caught up with her and pointed over to the car.

“I thought we were going for a run?”

“The place I run is a little way away,” he said to her.

She found herself in the car sitting beside him as he drove.  Her eyes kept straying to his hands on the steering wheel and how just a little while ago they were on her skin causing her to lose her mind in ecstasy.   He was a very good lover she decided. Considerate and passionate, very passionate, she thought with a blush staining her cheeks.  She’d barely gotten any sleep last night and now he was dragging her out before the sun was even up.  He’d so have to pay for this later.

The car drew to a stop and he got out proceeding to do warming up exercises.  She watched him for a second before she reluctantly got out herself and started to warm up. She hadn’t been running for a long time not since before Sam was conceived she thought with a grimace imagining how she was going to ache later.

“Ready?”

“Have I told you how much I hate you?”

“A few times but as I don’t have a knife sticking out of my ribs I figure you can’t hate me that much,” he murmured grinning at her.

Ella sighed and watched as he took a backpack out of the car and put it on. They set off then at a gentle pace. Her eyes took in everything for the first part of the run but then as soon as the pace hit her she struggled to draw in breath she found herself wanting to stop.

“Okay back there,” he called out.

“If I had a knife,” she called back.

She heard his laughter and then groaned as he stopped and turned waiting for her.

She stopped too and then her breath caught in her throat as she saw the view. The sun was beginning to creep up in the sky and the whole valley was spread out before them. Patches of shadow slipped away as she watched the orange orb grow stronger in the violet sky.

“Well?”

“I may not kill you right away,” she panted.

Roman dropped down on one knee and unhooked his backpack. Opening it up he took out her camera and handed it to her. 

“What?”

“You haven’t been using it lately,” he commented.

She gave a small moan before accepting the camera from him and after checking the settings she took a few test shots not even noticing when Roman eased away from her and sat on a rock clump nearby.  

After a time she stopped, looked down at her camera and swore.

“What’s the matter?”

“The sun is getting too bright; I’m going to end up with solar glare if I carry on. I really need a UV filter…” she said turning to look at him.

Roman reached into his backpack and pulled out the very thing she’d requested and she glared at him.

“What the flaming hell Roman Harris?”

“I googled,” he shrugged.

Ella stomped over to his side and accepted the equipment from him attaching it to her camera. She took another test shot and then went back to taking shots.  Roman smiled before he reached into the bag and took out his bottle of water. He took a long drink and then replaced that to take out a book. Settling down on the rock he started to read.

She saw him out the corner of her eye. He was engrossed in the book and was no longer watching her or looking at the view. Spinning around she snapped a number of shots of him before resuming her exploration of the hillside.  By now the sun was fully up in the sky glowing yellow and the sky itself was in hues of blue.  Putting the lens cap on the camera, she moved over to him and sat beside him on the rock.

“How did you see this?”

“We run up here. See that path there?” he pointed to a steep incline down the hill and she caught her breath as she looked at it.

“If you are about to suggest we run down that …”

“No, I get my guys to run up it. Full packs.”

“No wonder they hate you,” she grouched on their behalf.

“I know I’m evil. I keep telling them I’m their Lieutenant not their best friend.”

“Thank you for this Roman, it’s been good.”

“You’re welcome El, maybe you should see if there are any other places you want to go too whilst we are here.  Could take the kids or go when they are at nursery,” he enunciated carefully.

“Normally I’d react like you were trying to control me with that sort of statement.”

“Yeah you would.  Obviously if you want to stay home and be my sex slave that is good too…”

She laughed before giving him a push grinning as he slipped off the rock and landed on the ground next to it.

“Is that a no?”

“Damn straight that’s a no,” Ella shot out, “I’m still not sure I forgive you for making me get up this morning.”

Roman threw his head back and laughed at her before he stood and dusting himself down accepted her camera from her and put it back in his bag. He put his book away too and then took out the water bottle offering it to her. They both took a drink and then headed back to the car. This time not running but walking together holding hands.

It took some time before Ella realised why it felt weird.  They hadn’t been this close for a long time. Not even before her search for her dad. She gave him a strained smile before forcing herself to forget it. The past, the negative wasn’t important she scolded herself. This was.

“You were going to do this for me a few weeks back weren’t you?”

“Yeah I was,” he said pausing and looking at her.

“But I told you I didn’t love you.”

“Still not sure you do, wanna go over in those bushes and convince me?”

“I would but spiders. There are hundreds of spiders around here. I mean I don’t want to get divorced but well, between that and the spiders …”

“I think I get the hint, come on let’s go get some breakfast and see if the kids have your dad tied up in the lounge.”

“That will be Meggy,” she said with a sigh before realising what she was saying.

“You had to call her troublemaker,” he mock-groaned.

“She had you wrapped around her little finger.”

“That’s because she looks like you,” he claimed tugging on her hand and pulling her closer to him.  “How can I resist my girls when they look like you?”

Ella sighed before meeting his kiss with her own.  

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 44

 

George retreated into his study again; the book lined room with his desk in the centre of it was his personal sanctuary.  He was tired of seeing Roman treat his daughter like he did and get away with it.  The other man needed a lesson teaching him and although he wanted to be the one to do it, he also knew that Ella would never forgive him.  He was feeling more and more isolated from his daughter’s life and he didn’t like the fact that he was starting to sound jealous. Moving over to his laptop he opened it up and began working stopping only when his phone rang.

“Hello Irene,” he answered immediately.

“Hey Darl, how are things?”

“They are fine,” he pinned a smile on his face knowing that his voice was starting to reflect his ire.

He heard a sigh from the other end of the country, “What’s wrong?” She asked.

“Irene it’s nothing,” he muttered quickly feeling his hand tightening on his phone. “How are you?”

“George, is it Roman? What is going on?”

“Nothing,” he insisted wondering just what she’d picked up on.

“You better not play poker there Mister, cuz you don’t have a good poker face. I can tell something is going on with you,” Irene muttered.

George sighed as he selected face time and propped the phone up. He felt a small spurt of happiness at seeing Irene’s face on the screen and smiled before thoughts about Roman made him frown again.

“So spill it Darl,” she murmured.

“I just don’t get them,” he finally spoke what was one his mind.

“Roman and Ella?”

“I don’t understand what is going on Irene, they are barely speaking to one another then he clears off to Iraq and…”

“Let me guess it’s like they can’t keep their mitts off each other?”

“Exactly and ..” he frowned.

“Darl listen up, haven’t you noticed that Roman watches her, like he barely takes his eyes off her.  He’s besotted with her. Take a look at the diner menu next time you are here,” she grinned at him, “He put a load of vegetarian recipes on there just for her.”

“I guess…”

He grimaced as Irene laughed at him.

“Strike me Darl haven’t you noticed your own daughter? I bet in the past few days since he’s been back that she’s been happier. “

“How long for Irene? How do I know that Roman isn’t responsible for her breakdown?”

“I’m going to tell you a story. Few months back, I’d say Roman was at his wits end trying to do everything.  He called us into the diner and told us we had to be Ella’s friends because she said she didn’t have any.   She didn’t want anyone to know she had a problem. I guess that’s to do with her mother.” Irene peered at him through the phone and he nodded slowly in response. “Well anyways we went round there and it was like she was Ella but a really bad copy of her. She was pale, tired looking.  There was no real spark to her. Not like the El we love anyways,” Irene murmured.

“And how did … Roman cope with it?”

“Roman just does.  He took care of the kids, worked, helped her around the house, I guess. He just seemed to go from the Roman we knew and almost overnight to a shadow of hisself. He stopped seeing anyone, just put his focus on Ella. Of course, now we know the reason.”

“I still don’t approve of the way he is with her. This could just be a temporary remission.  What is he going to be like if she relapses?”

“You mean like your wife?”

He knew he looked stricken as he faced Irene. “Yes Irene, I’ve seen this before.”

“Roman isn’t you Darl.  It isn’t back then. He won’t leave her. He’s had plenty of opportunity hasn’t he? It’s been months.”

“I just don’t know Irene, my Ella, is she dependant on him? Because I’ve seen…”

“Your wife?”

“Yes, Ella’s mother had to have her men. Had to have attention. I don’t want that for Ella. I’m scared Irene. I’m scared for my daughter. Can I trust Roman?”

“Yes Darl, you can trust him. He’d do anything for her, I promise ya, and as for your Ella she’s a strong person. She’ll get through this.”

“She… went away.” He admitted.

“What?”

“A few months before you came to visit she just went out in her car and disappeared for three weeks. We had no idea where she was or anything,” he muttered.                                                

“Strike me can’t imagine his nibs being too happy with that.”

“He wasn’t.  She was … broken Irene, and he responded by cutting himself off from her.”

“She hurt him, no doubt.”

“Irene,” he protested.

“No darl, think about it from his point of view. Your wife has just vanished and you have to deal with everything all over again.  What do you do?”

“I’d … forgive her.”

“And no doubt he has done. Probably did within five minutes of seeing her but he can’t just accept her back. What reason she have for going? How does he know she ain’t going to do it again? What if she met someone?”

“I get it Irene I get it.”

“Listen Darl I have to go but I’ll tell you this for nothing, if they are sorted you’ll catch Ella touching his back. I don’t know if that is some sex thing or from when they first dated but when she does it he stills and just pauses for a moment.   Neither of ‘em are aware we know that by the way.  And El, well our girl smiles.   Like this happy little smile when she looks at him.  I’ve heard them and he calls it his smile.”

“So if any of that happens …”

“It will happen.  They are in love.  He’s in love with her. And thank god you know because when Roman first came back he was different, he was hurt.  Not that he’d ever admit it. But then one day this girlie showed up and he changed overnight.  Now he was laughing and joking.  It was bad when they lost the baby for a while and then he went overseas.”

“What baby Irene?”

“Strike me, you didn’t know?” She gasped. “No-one told ya’s? And there I am with my big mouth!”

“Irene?”

“Not long after they married she got pregnant. They planned it but the pregnancy, well she was ill and finally on the day that Nic and Geoff should have married first time around, that was when she lost it.   Nic cancelled the wedding. Geoff, not sure what was going on with him but he left for a while so Roman had his daughter there practically jilted at the altar and his wife who was told not to have kids. Not that Ella told him. No. She bottled it up and carried on as normal.”

“I never knew any of this,” he gave a small moan.

“No, well El, she kept quiet that time too.”

“So this is Ella’s fault?”

“I’d say this is because she’s never had real girlfriends to talk through things with. She’s the one who sorts stuff out.”

“That sounds like her,” he admitted.

“Well anyways, he loves her.”

“If she was told not to have kids…”

Irene let out a belly laugh, “Your Ella doesn’t respond well to be told what to do.”

“Irene,” he murmured.

“She got pregnant with the twins by accident by all accounts. Then little Meggy happened when Roman came home. And Samuel Raphael came out of their last meeting with Gardy.”

“She’s…”

“She’s a beautiful young woman Darl, and you should be proud of her. And you should know that Roman will always take care of her. Always. I’ve no doubt of that.”

“Thank you Irene,” he said feeling grateful.

“Nothing to thank me for, now I’s really got to go. Love you,” she called through the phone.

“Love you too,” he said back like always.

He disconnected the phone and leaned back in his chair looking over at a picture of his first wife with her Mother. He knew Roman had picked up on the photograph when he’d come into the room to talk to him.  To be honest he didn’t know why he’d put it on the shelf when he’d unpacked his other pictures from the box he’d had in storage. He should put it away for Ella, he decided before focusing on the work he’d come in to do.

 

 

 

Ella looked over at Roman as he came in through the front door. He’d taken off his shirt and she found herself giving out a little gasp as she saw a droplet of sweat drip down his hard muscled torso.

“Good run?”

“Fantastic,” he panted, “When are you going to run with me?” 

Georgie gave him a grin, “I’s run Dada?”

“Want to run with me?”

“I think that is a yes,” Ella laughed as their son began running around the room.

“Go outside and Dada be there in a minute,” Roman promised.

Georgie grinned at him before running out through the back door and into the garden.

“Well that will be one who goes to bed on time tonight,” she murmured.

“And does my wife want to go to bed on time tonight?”

Ella blushed and shook her head.  “Behave,” she muttered at him.

“Why are you going to spank me if I don’t?”

She gave him a shocked look her mouth dropping open at his question.

“Roman Harris!”

He laughed at her before leaning over and kissing her.  From there he skirted around the sofa and through the kitchen grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge before meeting up with Georgie in the garden.  Ella watched as he organised races for his son, running up and down the garden with him. Before too long the girls had discarded their princess tea party and joined in. She found herself watching him, watching the way his eyes creased up at the corners as he laughed with the kids and that ready happy laugh was back. She’d missed his laughter and now realised just how her depression had affected them all in different ways. 

With Sam now awake she carried their other son out to where his father and siblings were.

“Sammy Sammy,” Sophie called to her brother.

“Coming to join us?”

“We are,” she said as she walked over to him.

He reached out for her and Sam, putting his arm around her waist as he leaned down and kissed her.

“You so need a shower soldier,” she muttered wrinkling her nose up.

“Liar, you love the way I smell,” he shot back.

She laughed at him before setting Sam on the ground. He wobbled for a few seconds and then found his balance running over to where his siblings were. Georgie immediately took charge organising his own race with his brother and sisters.

“When you are wearing that aftershave I buy you yeah, but now… now you stink Harris!”

Taking advantage of the distraction she moved over to where the hosepipe was kept and turning the tap on she waited for the perfect moment before turning around and spraying Roman with the cold water.

He roared out at her and began to run towards her.  Ella squealed and sprinted off too late as he caught her wrestling the hose pipe from her grasp.

“No!” she cried out.

“You got me,” he said turning the hose on her.

“Roman no!” she shook her head trying to dash away from the cold water too late as it soaked through her white blouse and skirt.

“Dada me,” Meggy cried, “Me, me!”

“Roman no,” Ella said giggling as Meggy deliberately ran into the jet of water. “Miss Troublemaker, come here away from Dada,” she added watching as her daughter shook her head.

Running forward Ella sidestepped Meggy to get to Roman’s side. She grabbed the end of the hose and managed to turn it upwards so that Roman was once more soaked by the spray. Roman once more got control of the hose lifting it over her head so she couldn’t reach it. He laughed gleefully as the water cascaded over her hair and face. She glared at him as she shook her head.

“Enough!” she cried out.

Roman grinned and dropping the hose to the ground he wrapped his arm around Ella‘s waist and pulled her towards him. Leaning down he kissed her hard on the lips and she returned the kiss losing herself in him. She felt so blissfully happy in that moment in his arms. A dose of cold water brought them back to reality making them jump when Meggy sprayed them having got control of the hose pipe. 

“Troublemaker,” Roman called out.

“I gets you Dada,” Meggy squealed.

Ella watched as Roman and the kids had a water fight, darting back and forth splashing each other. Sam toddling over to her to keep out of the way of the cold water having decided he didn’t like it. 

[TelephotoMarigold]

Chapter 45

 

 

Ella watched Mike running towards her; he was wearing his full uniform of dark navy shorts, white short sleeved shirt and blue stripped tie, complete with navy socks and black shoes, highly polished.  His hair was slicked down with a suspect amount of hair product aside from a small tuft of brown hair at the back of his head that escaped control.

The Victorian built manor house had been converted into a boarding school in the late 1970’s when the dormitories had been in the upper floors and attic, now they were housed in the grounds in purpose built accommodation blocks and she looked across at them before her attention was claimed once more by her tall handsome son.

She’d flown up to spend some time with him and for the annual parent teacher conferences at Roman’s urging.  He’d even opened her suitcase and put her camera inside it telling her if she didn’t take any pictures he’d spank her when she returned.

Her face tinged with colour as she remembered his farewell of the night before.  She’d barely managed to get any sleep as he once more demonstrated just how much he loved her. Not that she was complaining, she thought with a sigh remembering how she’d rolled over and kissed him awake suddenly scared of leaving him.  Of course she hadn’t told him that bit as they made love again.

The hardest part of her depression was working out what was an irrational fear and what was a normal reaction.  Things she would dismiss in everyday circumstances she suddenly found herself focusing on to the exclusion of rational thoughts.

Now wasn’t the time to dwell on any of that now was time to spend with her son. To focus on him and listen to the long list of his achievements and as usual it was a very long list.

“Mum,” he cried out sounding happy to see her.

“Hello kiddo,” she hugged him hiding her smile that he was nearly as tall as her now.

“I didn’t know if you were coming,” he said and looked behind her. “Is Dad here?”

“Your Dad had to work babes,” she said quietly.

“Oh, well I er… kinda told my mates about him…” his face fell.

“I’m sure there will be other times he can come and see you,” she promised him.

“Okay, well I’m to ask if you want to go to lunch,” he said formally.

“Why, sir, that would be my great pleasure,” she smiled at him as he led the way into the dining hall in the original building.  They selected food and sat at the table amongst other kids and their parents’ also eating lunch.

“So I was thinking that this afternoon after I’ve seen the headmaster that we could go into town and do something?” She suggested.

Mike nodded.

“I think there are a lot of people heading into town, oh I need to show you my history project,” he added.

“Is this the one that won the prize?”

“Yes, and I’ve got the essay for you to read and…”

“Slow down Mike, I’ve got a hotel booked I’m here all weekend,” she told him blinking back a tear as he beamed happily at her.

She had to remember that he was just as important as her other chicklets, she told herself and smiled over at him.

“Then definitely we can go bowling,” he said and looked across the hall. She noticed his expression changing and she grimaced.

“Friends of yours?”

“Not really,” he said stiltedly.

She remembered the time the bullies were giving him grief before and a similar expression had been on his face. That time she was able to stop it by turning up on her motorbike in front of his whole form.

“Then we won’t invite them. Anyone you want to come?”

“No mum,” he said quickly.

“Mike remember the deal we have, if there is something you need to tell me just because I’ve had ‘distractions’ lately don’t think that the deal is null and void,” she said substituting a word for depression.

“I’ll tell you later, but no, there is no-one I want to come,” he said quietly.

“Okay kiddo,” she let it slide and gave the room a look before meeting the eyes of the boy she knew was bullying her son. Starring him down she made a note to find out his name before forgetting about him and giving her attention to Mike.

The meeting with the headmaster highlighter her son’s achievements and she felt pride that he’d done so well considering the recent upheaval in his life.  Then it was reading some of his work and seeing the history project he’d mentioned.  His history professor indicated that Mike had real aptitude for the subject and they wanted him to do that portion of his HSC early.

Catching up with Mike again they went into town stopping off at her hotel so she could change out of the suit she was wearing and into jeans and a t-shirt.  From there it was bowling then dinner out before he was returned to school. 

He hadn’t told her about what was happening at school and she hadn’t pressed him. She had a feeling it was something to do with her and Roman moving to Perth.  Heading back to the hotel room she collapsed tiredly on to the bed and looked at her phone. Roman had called her and she’d missed it.  Dialling his number she sighed as it went to voicemail.

“Hey, sorry missed your call. Mike okay. Think he’s missing his Dad! Call me back when you can.” She murmured after the beep. “Love you,” she added quickly before hanging up. Kicking off her shoes she closed her eyes and slipped asleep missing Roman calling her back.

 

 

 

 

The following day had Mike showing her round the school interspersed with meeting his various teachers.  After another lunch in the dining room they moved out to the playing field and claimed one of the benches to enjoy the afternoon sun.

“So you are happy?”

“Your teachers seem to think that you need to focus on whether you want to take some HSC subjects early.”

“I meant how are you and Dad doing now…” Mike gave her a look.

“Your Dad and I are fine,” she smiled as she thought of Roman unaware of the soppy look on her face. “We’ve decided to go to counselling to talk through our issues. I’m getting out more. Your siblings are okay, well with the exception of Meggy. She’s discovered that she can twist your dad around her little finger.”

“Good,” he peered at her, “And I did warn you about the demon child,” he said with a smile.

“You also need to think about which University you want to start aiming for Mike,” Ella murmured.

“I… don’t know if I want to go to Uni, I was thinking that…”

“Army?”

“Well yeah Mum,” he gave her a quick look.

“I want you do Uni first Mike. Your Dad being back in uniform has been okay but I don’t know how I would handle you going into the army.”

“Are you actually talking about this Mum? Without trying to kill me?”

“I shall be killing your father for not nipping this in the bud ages ago,” she promised him smiling as Mike laughed at her.

“I wish he’d come with you Mum,” he bit his lip looking across the field to where the same group of boys from yesterday were standing she noticed.

“Are they giving you grief Mike?”

“A little.  I told my mates about Perth, like being on the army base and going to the gun range and stuff. They think I’m lying,” he shrugged. “That I made it up.”

“Oh,” she narrowed her eyes as she looked across the field herself.

“It’s okay,” he said quickly.

“If you say so,” she replied before narrowing her eyes again, this time because she’d spotted something in the distance.

“I do Mum,” he insisted.

Ella smiled at him and was about to say something when she stilled and looked off in the distance. At first it was a small black dot on the horizon and then as it got closer towards them she heard the dull thud-thud of the helicopter blades going round and felt the air it whipped up. As it got lower it got louder, like a dull roar before it finally it landed on the far side of the playing field and the back doors opened.  She saw a figure climbing out wearing full army uniform, fatigues and black boots laced tightly around their ankles.  They began to walk towards them, crouched down low   because of the slow whirling chopper blades. As soon as he was clear of those blades the chopper lifted off and buzzed over the school, flying away.

Roman straightened and put his beret on before jogging over towards them.  She grinned at the expression on Mike’s face; his mouth had dropped open in shock.

“I guess that will show them,” she whispered to him.

“Seriously? I think he just topped your motorbike trick Mum,” Mike said beaming.

“Go on,” she gave him a nudge and he shot up running over to his Dad.  She had to give it to Roman on the entrance she thought with a smile of her own.  Maybe if she parachuted in on the next parents’ day she could catch up with him.

She stood up from her seat as Roman and Mike reached her side.

“Hello solider,” she said quietly.

“You did say he was missing me,” Roman shot out with.

Waving her hand in the direction the helicopter had flown off in. “Don’t suppose that thing does pizza delivery does it?”

“Oh Mum,” Mike rolled his eyes before grabbing hold of his Dad’s hand and pulling him towards the group of boys that were giving him a hard time. She inclined her head and Roman moved off with their son.  Resuming her seat she watched as Mike introduced them to his Dad. One of the boys gave Roman a salute and she chuckled as her husband then made them all line up and salute properly as he ‘inspected’ them.  Sipping from her drink she sat patiently as Roman and Mike were over with the boys. 

They joined her after a while, Roman leaning down and kissing her before he sat next to her on the bench.

“Come on Soldier, how did you manage that one?”

“Just asked if they could drop me off,” he shrugged.

“And no-one is going to get in trouble for it?”

“Training exercise,” he gave her a little-boy smile.

“Fine, just who is looking after the kids?” she said just as Mike groaned, “come on Mum!”

“Irene, she came to see your Dad and volunteered,” he said before looking at Mike, “So want to grab some food or something?”

“I’ll go clear it with his form tutor to take him off campus,” Ella said chuckling as Mike nodded at his father’s question. “And maybe apologise for the helicopter.”

She collected the very expensive designer handbag that usually only came out for days like this and moved into the school in search of Mike’s teacher.

“So seriously Dad? What you going to do to top this? Pick me up in tank?”

“Maybe but don’t tell your mother,” Roman murmured.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“So did I do good?”

She nodded at Roman’s question. “As always Soldier, you were amazing!”

“We’re still talking about the same thing aren’t we?”

Ella looked at him as they walked through the door of her hotel room. “We’re talking about you coming to see my hotel room aren’t we?” She gave him a flirtatious look.

Roman reached out and ran his hand down her back as he unlocked the hotel room door and guided her into the room. “Well with your father down the hallway from us I have been a bit limited,” he said leaning down and kissing the back of her neck.

“I haven’t noticed much stopping you lately,” she murmured.

“Maybe we should talk about how you keep biting my shoulder,” he commented.

She could feel her cheek heating up and knew she was blushing.

“Get in here,” she reached out and pulled him into the room giving him a look. “Where is your bag? What are you wearing tomorrow?”

“My uniform of course, I’m on a training mission.”

“Roman I’m serious,” she gave him a look trying to avoid looking past him to the large double bed. “Are you going to get into trouble for this?”

Roman shook his head walking around her and sitting on the edge of the bed. He withdrew his wallet and handed it to her.

“I’ve got a 24 hour pass,” he explained, “although for you I’d go …”

“Don’t even joke Roman,” she shook her head opening his wallet and taking out his credit card before handing it back to him.

“Ella Harris, I gave you that so you could check my pass not steal my credit card.”

“We’re in a hotel and you’re expecting not to pay for it?” She said gasping when she realised what she’d said.

Roman belly laughed before asking, “And how much do you charge for the whole night?”

“$500,” she murmured.

“What does that get me?”

“A striptease, lapdance ….”

“And?”

“That’s it,” she could help her face flaming a bright red.

Roman opened his wallet and withdrew a second card handing that to her, “I’ve got a five grand limit on this card,” he murmured.

She felt her hands fumbling and dropped the cards to the red carpet below.

“Roman,” she gasped out.

Reaching out he pulled her down on to his lap, his arms going around her.

“I put some clothes in your suitcase.”

“So you knew you were planning this?”

“Yes,” he grinned. “Thought a night in this hotel away from your father’s house would do us good.  Not that I was planning anything. Well not much. ”

“Really not planning anything? So you wouldn’t have condoms stashed away somewhere?”

“Maybe,” he grinned. “I would like a shower,” he said leaning close and kissing the side of her neck.

“Go on then,” she eased up pausing when she saw him holding on to her wrist.

“No,with you.”

“Roman,” she gasped again knowing her eyes had gone wide.

“Please?”

She nodded watching as he unlaced his boots and began stripping, unable to take her eyes off him.

“Want me to go slower? Maybe add some hip movements?”

“Oh my god, no,” she groaned spinning around and heading into the bathroom. She heard his laughter and groaned again before stripping off her clothes and diving into the shower turning it to the right temperature. 

“Starting without me?” He climbed in behind her and reached for the shower gel.

“I really don’t know why you are so insistent on embarrassing me?”

“Because it’s fun,” he kissed the back of her neck again.

“It’s not for me…”

“Ella Harris I’ll stop.”

“Do,” she moaned as she felt his hands wandering over her body.

“Do what?”

“I can’t remember,” she moaned turning around and kissing him.  Roman chuckled wrapping his arms tight around her and pulling her hard against his naked body. She could feel his hard muscles pressed against her, his thigh muscles rubbing against hers.  “Damn you,” she moaned again. 

[TelephotoMarigold]

 

Chapter 46

 

 

Ella woke when she felt Roman stirring beside her in the bed. She peered at him as he eased up and moved about the bedroom claiming his robe and then heading to the door.

“Morning,” she called softly.

“You should still be asleep,” he chided. “It’s four am.”

“What are you doing up?”

“I told you training,” he grimaced. “Seems there is a challenge by my men to see how much I can actually do before I have a heart attack,” he murmured.

Ella sat up allowing the sheet to fall down revealing her bare breasts to his eager gaze.

“I have a similar challenge,” she declared.

Roman chuckled and moved back to her side.

“Behave woman,” he growled out kissing her.

“Why, when you know you love me like this?” She trailed her hand down his arm and then along his chest through the gap in his bathrobe.

“I do indeed love you but you need some sleep before the kids wake up and I have to go and torture my men by making them run with full packs.”

“Are you sure that you don’t want to join me back in bed,” she pouted at him.

“Behave woman!” he growled at her.

Pressing a kiss to her lips he stood from the bed and eased silently out of the room and into the bathroom. She watched him go before snuggling down under the covers. Since they had come back from visiting Mike they had rediscovered each other she thought with a blush.  They were still waiting for the appointment to come through for the marriage guidance counsellor though she made a point of telling him at least three things she did each day and also asking him about his day.  They’d even been running a few times, not the distance he was used to though. 

Mike was settled more in school, thanks to Roman’s visit. His bullies had been put firmly in their place. He’d decided on taking parts of his HSC early which had increased his workload but he seemed to be having fun with it.

The children were settled, attending nursery full time and she was finding places she could visit with her camera, making at least one trip a week  Roman enjoyed seeing her work again but she knew that it was only because she wasn’t in Summer Bay that she working.  If she’d been there then she would have other things to fill her time, seeing Nic for example or Belle and she probably wouldn’t have put Sam in nursery so soon.

Pausing in her reflections as Roman came back into the room she looked over at him watching unashamedly as he dressed. 

“I’ll be home late tonight, don’t wait up for me,” he warned her.

“Okay,” she pouted for a second before accepting his goodbye kiss, feeling his hand stroking down her arm.  Their fingers tangled for a second and then he was gone slipping out of the room and heading to work.

She rolled over and reached for his pillow, snuggling down she managed to fall back asleep.

 

 


 

As he came home he thought about El being in bed. He’d told her not to wait up for him but a part of him wanted her to be there. To ask him about his day like she’d got in the habit of doing lately.  She would tell him what she’d been doing, what the kids got up to and if he were lucky enough he would have got home in time to put them to bed.  As much as he was enjoying the challenge and the work he’d missed spending more time with the kids. 

With working in the diner he had the choice of shifts so he spent as much time as possible with Ella. Not just because of her illness but because he liked being a dad; being a hands on Dad at that, with night feeds, changing nappies, reading bedtime stories, and playing with them.  Georgie was very much his boy, just as Meggy was his daughter.  Sophie was so like Ella that he would catch his breath sometimes just watching her and the way she looked after Sammy. 

Heading inside he saw the kitchen light still on and walked in there. El was seated at the table and he glanced at his watch before he greeted her.

“You better sit down,” she mumbled looking distraught.

“El? Are the kids okay?”

“Sorry, yeah, kids are okay. But…” she looked at him then and tears slipped down her face as though she was unable to hold them back anymore.

“El, you are scaring me,” he muttered sitting slowly in a chair opposite her.

“I’ve not been feeling well the past few days. Didn’t mention it because I was busy with the kids.”

“That’s no reason not to tell me… wait, what are you telling me here?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“No, you can’t be we’ve been careful,” he muttered.

A rogue thought crossed his mind that when she was away she’d met someone but he dismissed it as soon as it erupted into his brain.  She wouldn’t do that to him.

“I’m pregnant. I went for a check-up today.”

“And exactly how pregnant are you?” he muttered glaring at her.

“Oh no, no, no,” she pushed back her chair and glared back at him. “This is yours,” she muttered shooting up.

“I never said it wasn’t. I just want to know how far along you are,” he said slowly.

“Are you sure because the look on your face says different?”

“Do you want us to argue? Do you want to have everything dragged up again El? Because I can sure do that and I won’t be gentle. I’ll make it hurt.  But we’re past that aren’t we?”

“Make it hurt? Like I hurt you?”

“Something like that!” He dragged in a breath feeling his heart thumping in his chest.

“Well…” she took a step back almost tripping in her haste to get away from him.

Roman shot up and reaching out he caught hold of her by her upper arms to stop her falling. He eased her back into the chair and resumed his seat.

“Two months,” she whispered.

“So there is still time to discuss our options.  Have you got an appointment with a specialist?”

“What options Roman? There are no options.”

“Of course there are. You aren’t exactly thrilled at being pregnant.”

“How…” she blinked.

“No candles, no romantic dinner.  Just flat out telling me. Like you want to punish me in some way,” he narrowed his eyes as he looked at her.

“No of course I don’t…” she bit her lip as she looked at him.

“It’s late. I need some food and then sleep,” he announced after a while when they were both silent.

“I’ll get you something if you want to go grab a shower?” She offered giving him a shy look.

“Thank you,” he said quietly.

Standing again he moved out and through the quiet house heading into the bedroom to get changed.  From there he grabbed a shower and put on pyjamas before adding his bathrobe over the top.   He didn’t want to go back downstairs to where Ella was waiting for him and groaned at the enormity of another pregnancy.  With Sam she’d been ill enough for him to lay awake nights worrying about her. Everything that could go wrong with a pregnancy had. She’d been taken into hospital several times with her blood pressure causing issues and then she’d started bleeding. That was when Rachel had taken him to one side and told him to keep his hands to himself and he’d reluctantly moved out of the bedroom.

Forcing himself to head down the stairs he caught Ella crying in the kitchen and moved to stand behind her.

“I don’t want this baby,” she whispered, “not if we are like this with each other.”

“I don’t want this baby if it is going to make you ill again,” he murmured quietly.

“Oh great, so…”

“El we need to get you an appointment with a specialist and make sure everything is okay.”

“My dad…”

“We need to move out of this house. I can’t be here with your Dad much longer. Especially if we go ahead with the pregnancy.”

“Go ahead…..?” she pinned him with her tear filled eyes.

“Yes, El, we need to find out if it is safe to proceed with the pregnancy.”

“I hate you now,” she gasped out. “I’m not going to get rid of this baby like its some inconvenience to you!”

Roman stepped back and away from her.

“Go to bed El. I suggest you sleep in Mike’s room tonight.”

“Roman?”

“I’m not going to get into an emotional argument with you at this time of night when I’ve got to be up early again tomorrow.”

“Oh so it’s what you want…” she muttered folding her arms across herself as she turned and faced him.

“No, it’s just trying not to do this. Trying not to have this drama going on all the time.”

“So everything is my fault?” She gasped out.

“Yes it is. You want to take the blame go right ahead.  I’m done with this. I’m done Ella. I just… “

“What?”

He looked at her standing there, tears staining her cheeks and her hand pressed protectively on her stomach. “I just don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

“What? Roman?”

She gasped again before collapsing to the floor into noisy sobs.

“Why do you keep pushing El? Why do it? You know we can say some awful stuff to each other. I keep asking you to back off and still you push me.”

“I…er…”

“Why Ella?”

He knelt down next to her and looked into her eyes.

“Because…” she sniffed.

“Because?”

“I don’t know okay, I don’t know why I’m like this. I just…”

“Just what?”

“I want you to say you love me…”

“I have loved you every moment since we first met.”

“But not enough…”

“Not enough for what?”

“To stop Gardy!” she screamed at him.

“Which time?”   He asked calmly moving to sit next to her.

“Both, I don’t know. Just…”

“There was nothing I could have done different.”

“Yes there was… if you’d stopped Gardy then Louise wouldn’t have taken Sam… if you’d stayed an extra five minutes in the hospital… and not left me alone…”

He looked her in the eyes making the point of maintaining eye contact with her. “If?”

“You couldn’t stop him…” she whispered.

Roman sighed, “No. I couldn’t.”

“I…..”

“Get up now. Go to bed and get some sleep.”

“Roman we…”

“I can’t take anymore tonight El. I really can’t.”

She flinched and slowly eased to her feet moving away from him and going up the stairs equally slowly. Like all her energy had been sapped by the discussion they’d had. 

Not that it had been a discussion.  Logically he knew that he couldn’t have done anything different to stop Gardy but the guilt of not being able to protect his wife was something he’d carry for the rest of his life. Ella had never blamed him but he knew that underneath all the other stuff she was still hurting from the attack especially finding out about her biological father and knowing that she was a product of rape.

Easing up slowly, feeling his legs aching from the run he’d put himself through today he moved awkwardly to the fridge and took out a beer drinking it down in one.  Then his eyes focused on the sandwich she’d made him. Despite the angst he knew he needed to eat and sat back at the table taking it with him and carefully eating the sandwich.

That done he cleared up and made his way to the bedroom. He saw Ella immediately; she was sitting on the bed looking fragile.

“Can I stay please?”

“I have to be up at 5am,” he said quietly.

She nodded.

“I won’t …” she bit her lip.

“Keep me up all night with your sexual demands?”

Her eyes flew to his and she blushed before she paled. “Roman please…. I… don’t need….”

“What El?”

“Hope,” she whispered.

“Okay,” he nodded moving to get into the bed. He lifted the covers her side and she stiffly moved to get into bed besides him being careful not to get too close to him as she lay down.

Roman set his alarm before he settled down under the covers.  “Do you want the light on?”

“No,” she whispered.

“Okay,” he switched off his light and plunged the room into darkness. Turning to her he pulled her into his arms feeling her struggle for moments before she sighed loudly.

“You don’t want this,” she whispered.

“And what is ‘this’ that I allegedly don’t want?”

“Me, marriage…” she sniffed.

“Why?”

“Because I’m… broken. I’m …”

He yawned before speaking, “You are what El?”

“Because I hurt you,” she moaned crying again.

“Then stop,” he murmured simply, she sniffed again before turning on his arms and clinging to him. “Go to sleep,” he added closing his eyes. 

[TelephotoMarigold]

 

Chapter 47

 

 

Ella woke up alone. Roman was gone and she hadn’t even heard him get out of bed. She grimaced at the feeling of nausea rolling through her and breathed deeply to try to stop feeling like death.  Turning her head slowly she saw a note on her bedside cabinet and reached for it with a shaking hand.

‘Organise appointment please and text me to let me know when. I won’t be home until late again. R’

She felt her face tightening in another grimace at the absence of the ‘xx’ at the end of his note and flashed back to the conversation the previous night.  She’d been mean and nasty. She’d pushed him. She’d punished him. She knew that now. She’d been punishing him in lots of ways over the past few months.  The constant back and forth of her emotions, telling him she loved him one minute and then the next she’d taken it away.

Easing up in the bed she reached for her phone and dialled.  It was time she sorted herself out.  Two appointments booked; the first with her therapist and the second with a specialist, she climbed out of bed pulled on her robe and walked through to the nursery with the kids.  Aside from Sam the others were still asleep. She scooped him up and carried him downstairs and into the kitchen putting him on the floor so she had her hands free to make his breakfast. He still had a bottle at night when he was going to bed but before then he was getting ready to be weaned on to solids.

She fed him, hearing the other children waking up. Soon she was busy with breakfasts and getting them ready for nursery.  

With the children despatched she had nothing to do to keep her occupied. There was no-one for her to talk to and no-where she had to be until the first of her appointments in three days.   Thinking of that she hesitantly pulled her phone out of her pocket and texted Roman with the details of her appointments. She waited a heartbeat or two for a response and tried to tell herself that he was out training so he maybe didn’t have time to respond. It didn’t stop her checking her phone for the rest of the day.

 

 

 

Roman walked through the door feeling his bones aching with fatigue. He couldn’t wait to get out of his uniform and into a hot bath. There were muscles aching in places he didn’t even know he had, he thought with a grimace. The kitchen light was on again and he got a sense of déjà vu.  Walking through to the room in question he saw George sitting at the table with a beer in front of him.

“Hello,” Roman said slowly.

“Roman,” a note was in the other man’s voice and Roman forced himself not to react. Going to the fridge he took out a beer, unscrewing the top he took a long drink avoiding sitting down. He was pretty sure if he did he’d never be able to get back up. That bath was calling to him.

“Ella okay?”

George glared at him, “Shouldn’t you know?”

“I was working on the assumption that you saw her earlier.”

“Maybe you should spend more time with her?”

“When I’ve got the time I will spend it with her,” Roman muttered.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have accepted this assignment,” George said at last.

“And if I hadn’t accepted this assignment you wouldn’t have spent as much time with your grandkids,” Roman pointed out keeping his anger in check.  It wouldn’t do El any good if he were to kill her father. 

“My wellbeing isn’t a concern right now. I heard arguing last night. Ella isn’t happy. I knew that you…”

“Steady George, don’t go to a place you can’t come back from.”

“Come back from? Who the hell do you think you are talking to?”

“The man who let Ella’s mother beat her. The man who covered it up and let her grow up thinking that Michael was the only one who mattered. And that is not from me those are the words that Ella said to me George.”

He watched as George flinched and shot up from the table. “I may have made mistakes but I learn from them. I won’t ever let my daughter down again. Can you say the same Roman?”

“Don’t mistake any of this George,” Roman slammed down his bottle on the table, “I have loved Ella since the moment I met her and I will be damned if I let you or anyone else come between us.”

“This conversation isn’t over…”

“No threats George, you’re her father, I’m her husband. Don’t make her choose between us.”

Roman turned and walked away from the other man making his way up the stairs and into the kid’s room.  He spent precious moments watching them before turning and heading into the bedroom. Ella was curled up in bed asleep and he found himself smiling at that. Last night he had told her to move into another bedroom because he just couldn’t handle any more drama and half suspected that tonight she might have done just that but seeing her there meant that she wanted things to work between them. 

Stripping off his uniform and boots he pulled on a bathrobe and went into the bathroom. Looking at the shower with an expression of distaste he moved to the bath and started filling it with hot water. As he sank into it he found his muscles whispering thanks to him.  Tomorrow was a short day. He was planning to spend some time with the kids and then talk to Ella.

Just the thought of Ella had his shoulders tensing again. Everything was just too complicated and having a baby now? He shook his head. No not like this. Not into such a toxic relationship. They had to change.

He opened his eyes as the door opened and Ella tiptoed into the bathroom. She approached the bath cautiously and he sighed.

“Hey,” she whispered.

“Hey yourself, did I wake you?”

“I heard you moving but no, I wasn’t fully asleep,” she said softly. “Are we going to talk? I mean…” she bit her lip.

“I’m tired,” he admitted.

She nodded and took a hesitant step towards him and knelt at the side of the bath.

“El?”

“Just going to…” she bit her lip again before reaching out and beginning to massage his shoulders. 

He almost sighed in bliss as he felt the knots being worked out of his muscles.

“Okay you can stay,” he muttered.

“Really soldier…” she gasped and muttered a quick apology before gasping again as he reached for one of her hands and brought it up to his lips to press a kiss to it.

“Just keep massaging,” he instructed her as though he didn’t know she was blushing because of the kiss and because she’d slipped back to calling him ‘soldier’. Something she normally only did when she was happy.   He sighed again, he really had loved her from the moment he saw her back in the day when he’d been a stupid idiot. Someone intent on getting himself killed on a mission it seemed like, Bosnia, Iraq, Afghanistan and a few other places that were still classified.  He’d taken stupid chances with his life and occasionally with the men in his command. He was only here because he was a lucky SOB.  Both surviving all those missions and finding that Ella loved him again. Marrying her had been the smartest move of his life.

“I do love you,” he said, suddenly needing to tell her.

“That is only because I managed to get those knots out.”

“That too,” he smiled leaning back in the bath so he could look at her.

“Roman…”

“We can’t keep going over this stuff Ella, we can’t keep going back.”

“I know,” she whispered. “I want to be better, I want to be…”

“Over this?”

“Yes, I’m so tired of always being sad of always feeling like I’m not good enough.”

“Then change things. You are the best thing to happen to me in my life, next to the kids and Miles’s friendship.  I can’t imagine you not being beside me but I can’t keep ..” he paused. “Reassuring you all the time that I am not going anywhere. If you need me too I can be patient and help you but we have to have communication. We have to have a baseline or I can’t…”

“Can’t?” She prompted.

“Can’t be your husband. And don’t think I’m giving up lightly El, I’m not. This is killing me.”

“I know. And I’ve been punishing you. I realise that now. I’ve been blaming you when it isn’t your fault. I didn’t want us to be here. I..” she stopped and looked at him. “No, that’s a lie. Being here hasn’t brought up any bad memories. I thought it would. Being with my Dad has been …”

“Been what?”

“I don’t know. I’ve started turning to him more. I’m sorry for that.”

“Okay so we need our own space,” he said quietly.

“We do. Do you want me to start looking for places?”

“Yes,” he sighed.

“Okay I can do that. I’ve got my counsellor …”

“I know. I’ll be home early tomorrow. I’ll take Friday off so I can come with you to the specialist.”

She nodded biting her lip nervously.

“I’m sorry about the way I told you,” she admitted.

“So am I. And seriously we were careful. How the hell did this happen?”

“The usual way. We had sex.”

“I gathered that but when? Because I’m pretty certain that I used protection…”

“So this is my fault?”

“Damn straight it is Ella…” he said with a straight face, “you should definitely not get naked around me ever again.”

She looked at him for a moment with her mouth open before slapping her hand down in the water and splashing him.

“God, if you were serious…” she groaned.

Roman laughed softly before leaning over and kissing her gently on her lips before he stood up and climbed out of the bath, pulling the plug to drain the water. He took his time to cover himself with a towel noting that she was watching him and then grabbing his bathrobe he walked with her into their bedroom and climbed naked into bed next to her. She curled up in his arms like normal and he slowly relaxed into sleep. 

 

 

[TelephotoMarigold]

 

 

Chapter 48

 

Ella made her way home from her therapist’s office. She was tired, feeling ill and despondent.  It had been pointed out to her how Roman was controlling her and at first she’d denied it but things began to make sense the more she talked to him.  The way Roman held back his affection, held back physical contact when she did something that displeased him.  The way he was isolating her father, saying she spent too much time with him and now the demand that they move house.  She didn’t want to move away, she felt safe in the house.

Walking inside she heard the sound of Roman with the children coming from the lounge and she felt a curious sense of resentment for him.  How dare he just act like he’d done nothing wrong when he was trying to control her?  Moving stiffly into the room she pinned a smile on her face not wanting to upset the kids.

“Hello,” he called out to her above the noise of the kids rushing over to her.

“Hey,” she greeted him back forcing herself not to recoil when he moved to kiss her.  Turning her head at the last second his kiss landed on her cheek and she saw him give her a curious look.

“Mama, Dada got us,” Georgie told her.

“I see,” she murmured.

“We’s ran Mama,” Meggy murmured grinning at her. 

“Sammy liked.”

“I better get a drink,” Ella announced feeling left out.

“I’ll do that, what would you like?”

“No, no,” she flinched as he looked at her. “It’s okay, I’ll get it,” she tried to give him a smile but from his expression she knew he wasn’t fooled.

Escaping the sudden claustrophobic feelings she turned and moved into the kitchen taking a can of lemonade from the fridge.  She took a long drink feeling it quench her thirst. Now she was knocked up again there was strictly no caffeine and no alcohol.  Her ankles would swell up again and this almost constant nausea was already wearing her down. 

She could put the blame on Roman for this; he was the one in charge of birth control.  Why did she ever trust him? Another kid was his way of controlling her.  He had seen her with her camera, knew she was enjoying getting out and taking photos again so what does he do? Saddle her with another kid.  Then goes all righteous about getting rid of it, knowing of course that she couldn’t do that, knowing that was the last thing she’d think off. Maybe she should have an’ accident’, throw herself down the stairs just like her mother had tried. Maybe that would work.

“El?”

She spun around at his voice and gasped at the way her thoughts had gone. Putting a protective hand on her stomach she gave a shake of her head.

“What’s wrong?” He asked quickly stepping towards her.

“Nothing just… feeling sick.” She improvised. “Can you look after the kids if I go for a lay down?”

“Of course, do you want me to bring anything up?”

“No,” she flinched again as he reached for her before slipping away past him and up the stairs.

 

 

Roman watched her with a puzzled expression on his face. He’d come home to spend time with her and she was reacting like he was a leper.  Making a decision to speak to her later he focused on the children organising them  before feeding them dinner and with Ella still not making an appearance he bathed them and put them to bed not without noticing how much work that was.  Finally settled the children went to sleep and he eased out of the nursery to look in on Ella. She was curled up in the centre of their bed fast asleep and he sighed as he watched her for a few precious moments before heading back downstairs and making himself something to eat. 

Looking through the kitchen cabinets he managed to find the ingredients for ginger biscuits and made a batch.  They always helped Ella with her morning sickness before and he frowned because although she’d complained of nausea he hadn’t actually noticed her being sick.  Hoping that was a good sign he tidied up the kitchen as the biscuits were cooling on the rack before placing them in a container and taking that and a bottle of water he headed upstairs to bed. Ella was still asleep and he placed the items on her bedside cabinet before walking around to his side. Undressing quickly he climbed in beside her and smiled when she turned to him in her sleep and moved into his arms. 

 

 

 

When Ella awoke she was alone in the bed but had a memory of Roman sleeping beside her.  Easing up slowly she looked around her seeing the bottle of water and the container on her bedside cabinet. After opening it up she saw that he’d made her favourite biscuits for when she was pregnant and sighed at his thoughtfulness.  Even after she’d been so hostile to him he’d done this. 

Hearing the children stirring in the next room she eased out of bed and moved to see to them still feeling guilty for not spending time with them the previous night. 

“Mama,” Meggy cried out rushing over to her.

She couldn’t help her smile, “And how is my Meggy girl?”

“Hungry Mama?”

“You want breakfast little girl?”

“Please’s Mama,”  she lisped.

Ella smiled and lifted Meggy up balancing her on her hip as she moved over to check on Sam. Her son was still asleep, curled up on his side with his thumb in his mouth.

“No thumb babes,” she whispered leaning down and stroking his hair back from his face.  He was due a haircut, his baby hair was being slowly replaced by Roman’s blond, those fine whispy hairs disappearing. Just another sign he was no longer her baby boy and she pressed her free hand on her stomach thinking of the baby she was having. Maybe it was a good thing, she thought for the first time.

Even if she no longer wanted to be with the father.

Sorting the kids out for breakfast took a challenge as they all decided on different things.  Sophie insisted that she wanted apples with her cereal and Meggy wanted porridge.  Georgie wanted eggs and Sam was still sleepy and insisted on a bottle.  With a bit of juggling she managed to get them fed and dressed and finally on the way to nursery.

She had to admit that with Roman having the car in the months following her return she’d rediscovered her love of walking and the children adored this extra time she spent with them. She was able to point out insects and nature to them and saw them start to appreciate the world around them and in the way they ran around they loved the freedom. 

Moving to the house when she was pregnant with Meggy had been an unconscious decision. She’d just needed to get away from Roman believing that she couldn’t be carrying his child. The relief when they got the results back had been marred by more arguments between them. Looking back on it now she realised that both of them were hurt by Gardy’s attack.

Ella bit her lip as she thought about back then.  Roman had been having a drink with Leah and for a moment it looked as though he was going to kiss the other woman. She’d been so furious with him she’d stormed to the studio, put on one of her sexiest outfits and gone out dancing, deciding that she was going to seduce someone knowing that she was only doing it to punish him.  He’d turned up and they’d argued and for the first time he had shouted at her.

Depositing the children at nursery she gave them all a hug goodbye watching with a smile as they ran in to see their friends barely giving her a look back. Sam was placed in the section for the younger children and even there she was forgotten in a matter of moments. 

Her eyes teared up and she blinked them back.  She was being silly and put it down to hormones as she walked back to the house. Her father had a cleaning woman who came in twice a week which meant that she had nothing to do. Roman had tidied up after the kids the night before so she didn’t even have their toys to put away. 

Taking the laptop out she hooked up her camera to it and began to download and work on her pictures.  She worked through to lunchtime and moved into the kitchen to get herself a snack just as her phone rang. Looking at the display she saw the unknown number and grimaced as she reluctantly answered it.

“Ella, its Dr Barton here, as a favour my friend is happy to see you this afternoon,” he murmured.

Her head went blank for a moment before she realised who he meant.  After speaking to him at the beginning of the week he’d recommended a colleague for her neo-natal appointments. “For the scan?”

“That’s correct. He said he can even do it in my office if that helps you?”

“Well that is a relief. Let me make a call and I’ll get back to you?”

“I have him on the other line so I really need a decision, sorry if I’m pushing you.  He said he can do 2pm?”

“I suppose that will be okay, I mean.. thank you.”

“Fine I’ll book you in then,” Dr Barton rang off and she looked at her phone before sending Roman a text message. 

Obviously she should have rung him, she thought with a pang of guilt but she wasn’t ready to speak to him.  At least not without actually telling him she wanted to leave him.

Eating the last bite of her sandwich she raced up the stairs and into the shower to get ready for her appointment.  She dressed in a pair of shorts and a loose top, choosing to leave her hair down and already the humidity was making it curl. She cursed as she couldn’t find one of her shoes before finally locating it in the back of the wardrobe next to Roman’s army kit bag. Looking at it she spotted that he’d put his diary in there and she frowned wondering why he’d brought that with him. Perhaps he’d just put everything from his army locker in there when he’d packed she thought silently. 

Reaching out she took the hardback notebook from its hiding place and sat cross-legged looking at it before she summoned up the courage to open it. Turning the pages she saw that he’d written in it recently, notes about training and she sighed in relief before spotting something about her.

‘I don’t know what to do about El, nothing I say to her is helping.  We barely talk and even when we are sitting in the same room I miss her. I’m writing in here because I can’t talk to her. She makes me see a kind of sense about most things and I miss that just as much as anything else.  I made her sleep on the sofa because I knew that with her besides me I’d force things. I’d make love to her because that is when we are close. She is my heart and in hurting her I hurt myself but she has to be free to decide what she wants.  I need her to fight for our marriage as much as I’m fighting for it.’

Ella stopped reading to wipe tears from her face. This was an invasion of Roman’s privacy and she frowned as she thought if it were the other way around she’d hate him for spying on her. Hell, hadn’t she spat fire at him when she found out he’d looked into what she’d found out about her biological father?

Grimacing she put the diary back and eased away from the wardrobe. Suddenly things were a lot clearer in her head and not as confused as when she got home from seeing her therapist yesterday. 

[TelephotoMarigold]

 

Chapter 49

 

 

Ella flinched as she saw the display on her phone. Answering Roman’s call with trepidation she murmured quietly, “Hello.”

“Sorry I can’t make 2pm.  I can get away for 3pm though, is that any good?”

“It’s okay, I’m cancelling it. We will go on Friday as planned.  It’s important you are there,” she said sighing at the stilted way she was talking to him.

She knew that was from a mixture of guilt because of the way she had been treating him and the invasion of his privacy in reading his diary.

“Are you sure? If this is the only time he can do it and you need to go…”

“I’m sure, we will go on Friday. And Roman, I would like you to come home at 3pm. So we can spend some time together,” she added in a rush.

Her face flamed as she heard his soft chuckle through the phone and she gasped. “No, not like that I meant…” she groaned as he laughed more at her.

“I will be home just after 3pm then, as ordered. Let’s go get the kids and go out for a bit?”

“I’d like that,” she found herself twirling a lock of her hair around her finger and groaned again.  “Gah!”

“What’s the matter?”

“I may have… I was looking for my shoe and it fell open,” she stuttered.

“Should I ask what?”

“No, not really… it was an accident.. I didn’t mean to…” she lied feeling like he could see her blushing through the phone.  Walking out of the bedroom and away from his diary (because it was silently mocking her) she made her way through the house.

“Didn’t mean to what? I swear sometimes woman you could teach my men masterclasses on how to avoid questioning!”

“I read your diary!”

“Ella Harris,” he chuckled some more and she flinched from the sound.

“I didn’t mean too,” she moaned.

“You can read my diary, anytime, especially the bits where I put …”

“Put what Harris?”

He lowered his voice to the husky timbre that sent shivers down her spine, “My fantasies,” he murmured. “All those things we do that I love so much, things you do that turn me on.”

“Grr man, that … “ she swore before asking, ”You really write that stuff? I er.. didn’t even know…”

“No El I don’t and I brought the diary because there was some stuff in there about training from back in the day.  It just helped me sort out some thoughts…”

“About us?”

“About helping you. About.. “

“The baby?”

“I haven’t written about the baby,” he said quietly. She heard him moving before he spoke again. “But if I were to write anything I’d put how it’s the wrong time. How you are just getting better. How you were so ill with Sam. Then I’d put about how much I love you and how much we mean to each other and that maybe if it’s meant to be we can cope with a baby.  But only if we talk to one another because I miss you El, I just miss you.”

“I miss you too,” she whispered. “I miss us. I miss how I could come to you with anything and you’d just be you. Whether making me cry or shouting at me or just holding me.”

“I’d rather not make you cry,” he said immediately.

“I love crying because of you.” She put in and groaned. “I mean… when I was a kid I didn’t cry. I didn’t..”

“Because of your Mother?”

“Yeah and with you.. I don’t have to hide my tears,” she sniffed.

“Are you about to cry now El? Because I still have two and half hours until I can hold you? Would it help if I shouted at you for reading my diary?”

“Maybe,” she whispered sinking into a chair in the lounge and immediately curling her legs up around her, tucking her feet under a cushion.  “I better let you go, you must be busy,” she added sniffing again.

“I have you on hands free. I’m actually multi-tasking and typing out this report as we speak.”

“How’s that working out for you?”

“A few spelling mistakes and I think I just quoted you in a few places,” she could tell he was smiling from his tone of voice.

“I actually like seeing you in uniform again,” she muttered and felt her face flaming as he chuckled.   

“It’s been good for me if I’m honest although I did expect you to kill me more for deciding on this whilst you were gone.”

“Maybe it had to be that way Roman, maybe if I were here you would have gone back to the diner and been thinking about missed opportunity. Doesn’t make my going…”

“Don’t go there; we don’t need to rehash that.  You had reasons El, I don’t understand them and I won’t trivialise what you found…”

“Thank you,” she whispered. “If I had a chance to do it again I’d ..”

“Take me with you? Are you still looking for him?”

“No, I mean… I’ve put out feelers to trace him but it’s not important anymore,” she breathed out slowly.

“Is he even in state? Could you check electoral rolls and find him that way?”

“Are you offering to help me?”

“El you found it important enough to leave us to track this man down. Just because I don’t understand it and I can’t …”

“Forgive me?”

“Maybe,” he grouched.

“I need to see his face,” she admitted.

“Will a picture do?”

“How?”

“Army records will have one.”

“You’d do that for me?”

“No, but I know a colonel with more contacts than me,” he said quietly.

“Daddy?”

“Daddy?” he laughed. “Yeah from his reputation around here you calling him daddy is…”

“funny?”

“Very,” he chuckled again.

“Well..” she groaned.

“We still need to find a place El, I know it’s easier for you to be there but I can’t …”

“What Roman?”

“You can’t have two alpha males in the same pack,” he muttered.

“Oh well how are you going to cope when Mike gets older?”

“By repeatedly reminding him that you have his baby pictures and Facebook”

She groaned at Roman’s joke before finding that weird feeling in the pit of her stomach was happiness. She was happy.  She hadn’t felt happy for a long time and here she was doing something that had felt almost unnatural to her a while ago, a phone call with her husband and it was making her smile.  Making her stop questioning herself every other second.

“I… I’m enjoying this,” she murmured quietly.

“Me too,” he said and then swore.

“Roman?”

“Typo, I just put that repeated attempts to climb the same obstacles resulted in muscle memory but resisted offering the same challenges…”

“That sounds….”

“It sounds like I should stop typing and come home immediately.”

“Hey you aren’t climbing this obstacle mister!”

“ha,” he let out a bark of surprised laughter.

 “ what did you mean to put?”

“Oh, new challenges,” he said quietly.

“Like us? I’m a whole new challenge for you?”

“You always have been El, always keeping me on my toes.  And I love that about you. Just tired..”

She gasped, “Of me?”

“God no, of you being unhappy.  Of… trying to make you happy and secure and never managing it.”

“Secure?”

“Yeah, I need to make you protected and secure and if I can do that then maybe you won’t feel… like you’re the only one who can protect Sam.”

“Is that what you think?”

“Yes it is,” he admitted his voice sounding gruff.

“I never gave a thought to how you were feeling Roman, I’m so sorry.” She hiccupped as a small sob tore past her control.

“I’m fine El, I am. If we’re talking honestly then… well… bringing you here just as you were getting better well I regret that. When you were seeing Rachel you were….”

“Dr Barton isn’t Rachel,” she muttered feeling her nose wrinkling up as she spoke, “He .. treated my mother and …”

“Do you feel safe with him?”

“Why do you ask that?”

“Because he’s always referred to as Dr Barton. You sound… reserved when you talk about him.  With Rachel you’d tell me exactly what you talk about and how it makes you feel, not that you need to I hasten to add….”

“No, I know what you mean… I do feel different talking with Rachel. And I tell you those things because I can, because you should know. I should tell you that stuff and keep talking to you.”

“Are you biting your lip now?”

“How did you… gah man,” she groaned and stopped biting on her bottom lip. Dammit if she had a tell it seemed to be that. She was never going to play poker again.

He chuckled softly, “Anyway, I’m going to have to go and finish this report before I can get out of here.  It’s been good…”

“It has,” she agreed quickly.

“I’ll be home soon and we will collect the hoard and go out. Spend some time together,” he promised.

“That is good. I … love you,” she said with a sigh.

“I love you too, always, and El,” he murmured.

“Yes?”

“Stop reading my diary…”

She groaned as she hung up on him and sighed, they’d been talking for over an hour.  Looking at her phone she noticed that Dr Barton had tried to get hold of her and she grimaced at just the thought of seeing the man again. Maybe she needed to seek out another therapist she mused or maybe she could persuade Roman that she could take a break from seeing someone altogether?  She flinched as she immediately thought of sex with her husband. She didn’t mean that ‘persuade him’ she chided herself. Although probably tonight he’d turn to her and she’d welcome him. Catching herself twirling a lock of hair around her finger again she shot up from the chair and moved into the kitchen getting herself a bottle of water from the fridge and promptly blushed at the rogue thought about her needing to cool down.

“What am I doing?” she groaned aloud.

“I don’t know what are you doing?”

“Daddy!” she muttered, “Don’t sneak up on me like that!”

George chuckled before moving in from the back door and going over to the fridge taking out a bottle of water for himself.

“Are you okay Princess? Didn’t see you last night?”

“No, I’m fine Daddy, was just tired.”

George gave her a look, “Roman behaving himself?”

“He’s good,” she murmured feeling herself blushing again. “We’re heading out when he gets home. Going to take the kids out.”

“Going anywhere nice?”

“Not sure, maybe find a park for them to do some running around and then somewhere for food,” she murmured thinking about it. She had no idea that she was smiling or that she’d put her free hand on her belly.

“The kids will like that and maybe Roman will find he misses the diner and …”

“Get the hell out of your house?”

“Something like that,” George smiled at her indicating he was joking.

“He’s doing okay isn’t he Daddy? Not that I should ask but…”

“Roman is doing some excellent work Princess, could easily get himself a promotion.”

“He won’t want that,” she pouted.

“No he doesn’t.  He’s going to do this year and then he’s going to take you home.  When does Mike get holidays?”

“Few months for the main schoolies,” she shrugged, “My brainiac son is already doing HSC subjects.”

“Ha, if you weren’t going through your first rebellious period you would have done your HSC early too.”

“Daddy!” she groaned out flushing with embarrassment.

“So since you’ve been here you’ve not been tempted to re-up?”

“I swear you and Roman both like to torture me! No Daddy, my doing basic training was to show you and Mother that I …”

“You were as capable as Michael. I already knew that Princess, I just wish your mother had given you the attention you deserved,” he sighed loudly just as her phone rang again.

She looked at the caller display and instead of taking the call she hid the decline button and put her phone on silent.

“El?”

“Nothing Daddy, just a sales call,” she lied looking at the caller display.  Dr Barton again causing the hair on the back of her neck to stand up. He’d never done anything wrong in his treatment but suddenly she didn’t like him.

“Okay Princess, so let’s look at places you could go this afternoon, hey,” he suggested opening one of the kitchen drawers and taking out a bunch of leaflets from restaurants and placing them on the top.

 

 

 

Roman pulled into the driveway frowning as he caught sight of George’s car already parked up. Dismissing his negative feelings he got out and stretched feeling his muscles were tense, not just from the drive but he was nearly forty-five minutes later than he said he’d be. After speaking to Ella on a whim he’d called Rachel back in Summer Bay and spoke to her for a long while, finding himself explaining what was going on and how Ella was just so he could ask her the favour of setting up video chats so that Ella had her to talk to instead of this other doctor.

Of course that depended on Ella if she wanted to do that, he thought with a grimace as he walked through the door.  He had been as high-handed as normal, he murmured silently to himself thinking of the way he’d gone about things.

“Roman,” George greeted him first.

He nodded at the other man and looked around for Ella.

“She’s upstairs.”

“Okay,” Roman rubbed the back of his neck as he moved towards the stairs and then up them. He saw Ella standing in the kids bedroom putting things in a bag for them and found himself smiling.

“Hey,” she called out.

“Sorry I’m late,” he muttered.

“That’s okay,” she moved shyly over to him and pressed a soft kiss to his lips before giving him a puzzled look. “Tense?”

“Yeah I’ve done something that you may not like and…” he shrugged and gestured to their bedroom escorting her inside and closing the door behind them. “I spoke to Rachel after our phone call and I asked her if she would …” he paused looking at her face and seeing her frowning at him.

“Are you trying to get rid of me?”

“No, Rachel said she’d do video chats if you wanted to swap back to her as your counsellor….” He had to stop when she launched herself at him and pressed kisses all over his face.

“Thank you, thank you,” she cried out.

He wrapped his arms around her, “So is that a yes?”

“I so didn’t want to go back to Dr Barton,” she muttered, “I’ve been dodging his calls all afternoon!”

“Okay then,” he set her back on her feet and looked into her smiling face. Such a change from yesterday that he frowned.  “El?”

“Sorry, I just… why don’t you get a shower and change and we’ll go, My dad suggested a place I’ve got the leaflet downstairs so you can look at it,” she murmured in a rush.

Lowering his voice he said softly, “Maybe you should come wash my back?”

“Gah,” she blushed and stepped back from him. “Go!” she pointed towards the bathroom.

Roman chuckled at her before stripping off his uniform and after a quick shower he dressed in shorts a vest top with a cotton shirt over the top before adding deck shoes grabbing his wallet and keys and moving out of the bedroom. He saw Ella waiting by the door and grinned at her impatience.

“Steady woman,” he murmured, “where is this place we’re going to?”

She handed him a leaflet and watched him as he looked at it, biting anxiously on her bottom lip.

“Sounds good,” he murmured at last and chuckled as she sighed at him.

“Stop picking on me,” she groaned poking him in the ribs.

“Come on lets go,” he guided her out and to the car grinning at her excitement. If this was all it took for her to be happy he’d leave work early every day.