Harder Than You Think

[Zetti]

Thankyou all for the comments, there are only a few chapters left..so enjoy & Happy New Year!

Chapter Eleven

‘So Nicole, it has been 3 weeks since we last had a session. How have you been generally?’

I have been okay, made a few changes in my life’

‘Such as?’

‘I broke up with Theo’

Sally, the counsellor said ‘What made you decide to do that?’

‘I cant really explain why but I just I guess felt like I had to give up on the relationship’ she said ‘It just simply was not working.’

‘How was it not working?’

‘It just felt like I was trying too hard to make myself happy, I had to force myself to smile with him. I don’t want a relationship where my heart is not in it’

‘Is that the only reason?’

Nicole looked at her and said ‘How do you mean?’

Sally smiled and closed the book she had on her lap.

She looked Nicole in the eyes. ‘You mentioned in a previous session that you have never slept with anyone since that night’

‘Yes and it is true, I have never slept with anyone else’ she bit out defensively

‘Hey, look I am not judging, you went through an ordeal, something horrible that ripped you apart and you are trying to piece yourself together,, no one expects you to do that’

‘Sorry, I just feel like I have to justify myself to everyone else.’

‘I can understand that.’

Nicole looked down at her hands and then at her arm, which was covered by the sleeve, she couldn’t seem to move her eyes away from it, she rubbed her scar and then looked at Sally.

‘I always seem to rub it, but I don’t know why’

Sally nodded ‘Do you feel the need to cut when you rub it?’

‘Sometimes, other times I do not even realise I am rubbing it until someone actually points it out to me.’

‘Apart from just now, when have you rubbed your scars and felt the need to cut?’

‘Too many times’ came her response

‘Can you tell me about just one time?’

She nodded.

Flashback

I don’t know what it is about Angelo that makes me smile like a lovesick teenager but he does and I have no intention of losing that, I cant lose that, it would be a tragedy especially when I have finally got someone to smile about and with and ultimately for someone to smile at.

Nicole watched as Indi approached Theo and clearly started to flirt with him. However instead of feeling jealousy and the need to get her claws out, she found herself liking the idea of Indi dating Theo.

Maybe I should set them up so I can finally be with Angelo…but then again I cant see Indi agreeing to date Theo, how weird would that be, me setting up my current boyfriend with my best friend…no best thing to do is to break up with Theo as soon as humanly possible.

‘Nicole?’ Indi asked

‘Sorry, in my own little bubble then’ she replied

‘Clearly.’

‘Sorry’

Indi gave Nicole a look and asked ‘Are you sure you are okay?’

‘Yes I am okay, just tired, had very little sleep’

Indi scrunched up her face ‘Too. Much. Information.’

Nicole laughed forcefully at her expression; she hadn’t even told her own best friend that she had never slept with anyone apart from that one night when she was raped.

I need to stop dwelling on the most negative things in my life, it will not get me anywhere, punishing myself for not that night, and it will always be my fault.

I drank too much and allowed myself to get into a position. So in turn everything that has happened since, is on me but I cannot dwell on it, I cannot change the past but I cant forget either.

Everyone always says look to the future, focus on the most important things in your life but how?

How can you forget the one thing that actually defines you? Defines how you act, who you show a mask to and who actually can see you for who you actually are.

For them there is no mask, there is nothing that you can hide or even that you want to hide, they know you and they always will do.

Whatever happens, they will get exactly what you are going through, they always know what to say to make you feel better or if they cannot make you feel better, they will do what they can to try and help you.

I envy people who have no dramas in their lives, everything that goes well for them, they deserve happiness but what do I do, do I let them get to me, with their seemingly perfect lives.

Underneath it all, all most people want is to be loved and to know that someone cares for them, that someone loves them, wants to be there for them through the happy times and to carry them through the rough times.

‘Look if you want to be alone?’ Indi asked yet again

‘No, sorry just keep thinking too much’

‘Do you want to talk?’

‘Not really, it isn’t anything major, well not really’

‘So what is it?’ Indi asked.

She waved everyone away so they could have at least 10 minutes to themselves.

‘I think that..’

‘Go on’ she prodded gently after a few moments of silence.

‘It might be time for me and Theo to go our separate ways’

Indi had to admit for a second there, she thought she had misheard Nicole say those words ‘End it? As in finished? No more? Finito?’

‘Yes’ she nodded before putting her head in her hands and trying to hold back tears that threatened to break through the exterior that she had spent 6 months building.

‘Why?’

‘It just does not feel right, I like spending time with him but it is not the same anymore’ Nicole said but she was struggling to voice exactly how she felt. It was jumbled in her head so she couldn’t say the words and in turn that just confused Indi all the more’

‘So what are you saying?’

‘It is over between us’

‘Does he know that?’

‘Not yet’

‘Well…’

‘I know, I have to tell him’ she sighed

‘Pretty much, you can’t keep lying to him or to yourself even’

Nicole nodded taking on board exactly what Indi was saying but she needed to know how to do it.

‘I know that but how do I do it? How do I break his heart?’

‘I don’t know but you need to do something, it cant carry on the way it is’ Indi said bluntly.

**

Theo was concerned, Nicole had asked him to meet her on the beach in a secluded area. She had said on the phone ‘We need to talk’

As soon as Theo heard those words, he knew what was coming; he knew that he was just about to lose her.

He didn’t want to humiliate himself by begging her to change her mind but at the same time, he didn’t want to lose her either. He walked onto the beach and spotted Nicole sat down, she had her diary out and closed it the moment she spotted Theo approaching her.

‘About?’ he eased himself into a more comfortable sitting position so that he could see Nicole’s face.

‘Us’

‘What about us?’ he asked

‘I have to be honest’ Nicole started ‘I cannot see us working out’

Theo looked at her ‘Angelo?’

‘What about him?’

‘He is the reason’

‘Theo. No. Don’t bring others into it, you know we aren’t working.’

Theo stood up ‘Really? Its over? You don’t want to be with me anymore?’

‘No I don’t’ Nicole said with a sigh ‘Sorry but I cant do it anymore’

Theo didn’t even grace her with a response, he just walked away leaving Nicole sat there with tears falling.

Nicole had tears flowing out of her eyes, she couldn’t fathom exactly why she was crying but she didn’t seem to be able to stop at the same time either.

End of Flashback

Sally passed her the tissues ‘It is okay’ she said once Nicole had calmed down long enough to talk.

‘The end of any relationship hurts, it will fade with time’

‘I feel so guilty’ she admitted

‘Because?’

‘I hurt him, I broke up with him’

Sally looked at her ‘Yes you broke up with him but if it was not working, then was that not the best thing to do?’

‘I suppose it was’ Nicole answered

‘You need to stop beating yourself up over the small things that you cannot control. Life is about experiencing. Experience it, don’t resent it.’

‘Sounds so easy’

‘On the contrary, life is never easy but it is about living and I know it is hard but you have come a long way from the girl I met back then’

‘Have I? I do not feel like I have’

Sally smiled briefly. ‘It might not seem like it now but one day you will look back and realise that you are so strong’

Nicole shook her head refusing to believe a word that Sally was saying to her, she couldn’t see how any of this could be good or helpful. She had ripped Theo’s heart out and that was her being strong? How was that supposed to work? She intentionally hurt him to follow her own heart, how was that fair on him?

‘Listen, life throws up hurdles, things that hurt more than anything, things you wish you could change so you don’t hurt, so that you don’t hurt other people. You have to accept it. As hard as it may be, you have to deal with it’

Nicole didn’t respond so Sally carried on ‘Would it have been good for either of you if you were in a relationship that didn’t work?’

She shook her head as tears fell.

‘No it wouldn’t, so you have to focus on the good things, don’t let the negative overshadow the positive, you have made so many strides towards being who you are’

Nicole couldn’t respond, it was too hard to make it all make sense in her head, she was trying to work out how she was supposed to carry on.

Sally spoke again ‘Have you approached the other guy since you broke it off with Theo?’

‘No, it would be rubbing it in his face, I don’t want to do that’

‘So what do you want?’

‘I honestly wish I knew. I thought I wanted him but I don’t know, I guess I keep on playing on it in my mind, I don’t know, I wish I did’

‘Hey.’ She consoled her ‘You don’t have to have all the answers, take it one step at a time’

‘One step at a time’ Nicole repeated ‘I can do that’

‘Good, and remember, you have my number; anytime you need a chat about anything I am here. You will be okay, it takes time but I know you will be fine’

She nodded again and smiled weakly ‘Thank you, I really appreciate that’

**

[Zetti]

So this is the last chapter of this fiction, it has taken me so long to get it written and its finally at an end, I am grateful to everyone who has read and commented on this fic, you all are awesome and its been a pleasure to write this for you all…and you don’t want to listen to me going on and on anymore, enjoy the chapter xx

Warning: Mild SC

Chapter 12

‘Has anything changed since our last session?’ Sally asked, about 2 weeks had passed since Nicole had last visited.

‘Depends on what you mean’ Nicole said.

‘Well first off, you mentioned in our last session that you felt guilty about breaking up with your ex’

Nicole nodded as Sally continued speaking ‘Has that changed? Your feelings?’

‘Not really, I do feel guilty but he’s moved on’

Sally nodded ‘How does that make you feel?’

‘At first I felt jealous, I don’t know why, when we were together, I wanted him to find someone else but now I do not know anymore, I just don’t get why my feelings jump up and down’

‘It is normal’ Sally said as she looked at Nicole’s bewildered expression.

‘Because?’

‘You have been through a lot’ Sally clarified as Nicole looked up from her hands.

‘I have but I cant keep using it as an excuse’ she said pointedly ‘So many people go through crap every single day, how am I any different? I can sit here and moan but there are more people going through more and surviving’

‘So clarify this for me, you don’t think you are surviving?’

‘No, I am dwelling not moving on, and definitely not surviving’

‘I beg to differ, you have spent these sessions, talking about your need to cut, is that a fair judgment?’

‘Then you are moving on, most people cannot even admit it to themselves that they need help, let alone pour themselves out to a virtual stranger. You have made so many strides to your true self and please trust me when I say, you are a survivor.’

Nicole didn’t respond and Sally carried on ‘How many people can have a relationship with someone after having been through an ordeal?’

Nicole nodded in response as she began to rub her scars again, she had to admit, it had been over a month since she last cut.

However there were things every day that caused her to want to carry on cutting, to relieve a bit of the pain that she carried around with her every single day, just to relieve her pain.

Just to make her feel better. She did not want to feel completely useless & depressed all the time.

She kept waking up with thoughts of how to be positive during the day and how to make the most of her life, her father, her friends, her school life, to focus on all that is good in her life, but she always ended up

Cutting herself came naturally, it was as easy as deciding whether or not to have a shower every other day, it was too easy for her resort to it.

She had to admit to herself, that at times, she could steel herself and not cut. The only way she did that was by talking to her father or to read a book. Essentially a way of coping without cutting was by distracting herself and not facing the triggers that make her cut.

‘What made you want to rub your scar just then?’

‘I hate talking about this, hate talking about my weakness’

‘I do not think anyone likes talking about anything that is painful, why would they but the thing is, if you don’t deal with the problem, it will just hurt you more and more’

‘I know but I just hate it, I hate having to revisit the one thing that hurts but I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to deal with it’

‘So you rub your scar. What do you feel once you have rubbed it?’

‘Every time is different’

‘So specifically then, what about right now?’

Nicole looked her in the eyes ‘Honestly?’

Sally spoke with conviction ‘Yes, honestly’

‘I just want to scratch my scar open and let the blood seep out, its like the blood is infected and once it is out, I have rid of the parasite within me’

‘Do you feel like that every time you cut?’

‘no I don’t, sometimes its just the easier thing to do, the only way I can see out of the pain and the burden of the scar’

‘Burden?’

Nicole nodded and looked at her scar, she resisted temptation to cut it but she was shaking so badly that she had to touch it.

‘Look at me’ Sally commanded gently

Nicole looked up and Sally said ‘You can rub the scars as much as you want but it changes nothing, it will still hurt you more and more and more’

‘I know, I need to stop but I don’t know, it feels like it’s dragging me down’

‘Okay. You need to start writing down what you feel and think when you want to cut. Just simple words or sentences’

‘Okay’ she nodded

‘Bring it with you next time and we will talk about it’

‘Thanks’ Nicole said as she stood up

‘See you next time’

**

Angelo had not seen Nicole in over 3 weeks and he was worried about her, he didn’t like the distance between them. He was aware that Nicole didn’t want to hurt Theo by talking to him, but he hadn’t expected the distance to hurt as much as it did.

He lay in bed that morning, knowing that he had the day off work but knowing also at the same time that all he wanted was to be at work because for the first time in 3 weeks, Nicole was working there.

Do I go to work? Do I stay home and fill it with endless & mindless things that don’t really need doing right now?

He had so much energy and nothing to put it into, he could do the cleaning but that would take him a few hours and then he had the rest of the day to kill. Before he had a chance to turn over and try to go back to sleep, his phone rang.

‘Hello?’ he asked resigned to the fact that he was probably not going to get anymore sleep but at the same time, glad that he didn’t have to make himself do something that he wasn’t really that into in the first place.

‘Angelo, I need your help’

‘With?’ came Angelo’s reply a few moments later without even thinking about it

‘I really need to see you, I need to come over’ Nicole begged

‘Whoa, are you okay?’ he asked as he sat up in his bed

‘I need to see you, I will explain when I come’

‘Okay, I will be here, how long?’ he asked

’10 minutes’ she replied and hung up the phone not allowing Angelo to reply to her, but he got up and hurriedly got changed and had a wash.

He had just finished making coffee for them both when the doorbell went. He went and opened it. It was clear that Nicole had been crying, her eyes were swollen and she had damp tears on her face, she hadn’t even wiped them away.

‘Come in’

‘Thanks, sorry, I just needed to see you’

‘Its okay, don’t worry, do you want coffee?’

‘No, I need to talk to you’

‘Okay’

‘You remember me saying that I was seeing a counselor not long ago, just after I broke up with Theo?’

‘I remember and you said that you didn’t want to talk about it then but that you would do at one point’

Nicole nodded at Angelo’s recall of the conversation that they had on the beach and Nicole had slowly realised that the past few weeks of not cutting and feeling more positive was down to him.

The past few months of soul searching had made her realise that all she wanted in the end was to be with Angelo. He made her happy and she was determined to be with him.

She knew she had a tough few conversations coming up with him but at the same time, she knew that she loved him and she was pretty sure he wasn’t going to reject her because of it.

‘So what did you want to talk me about?’

Nicole didn’t say anything for a few seconds deciding actions spoke louder than words and forcefully kissed him.

Angelo didn’t react straightaway due to shock but once his brain had caught up on the action, he kissed her back slowly pushing her back against the wall, their lips parted for a few seconds as they got their breath back.

Angelo put his finger on her lip and whispered ‘are you sure you want this?’

‘Yeah’ she breathed back as she pulled him back towards her and kissed him again. She allowed his kiss to deepen and smiled against his lips.

Nicole pulled back. ‘As much as I would love to carry on kissing you, I do have to work’

‘Ah a perk of dating the boss…you can be late’

Nicole chuckled ‘No...I don’t think so…besides we still need to go out on a proper date’

‘Yeah we do’

‘So, you plan it, and let me know’ she said as she maneuvered away from. ‘I have to go’

He pouted at her causing Nicole to giggle at him ‘Don’t pout, its unattractive’

‘Go’ Angelo said with a laugh

**

6 months had passed since Angelo and Nicole had started seeing each other, Nicole had opened up about everything in her life and found that she could rely on him, he was there for her and in turn, and he was going to be her husband as well.

She remembered the look on his face when he proposed to her, she couldn’t remember ever being that happy ever, and she had to admit she was so looking forward to the rest of her life.

‘So’ Sally said ‘You feel ready to stop the sessions?’

‘Yes I do, as much as I appreciate everything you have done for me, I am ready.’

‘You do realise that you did all the hard work, I just listened’

‘You might have only listened’ Nicole said ‘but you also made me realise that I am so much stronger than I thought I was. I am incredibly grateful for that’

‘Like I said, its my job, but I am glad you are getting there and honestly one day maybe you will be in a place to help someone else’

‘I hope so, again thankyou, I owe you a lot’

‘No, you don’t, it was all you’ she said as they both stood up ‘I hope the wedding goes well and congratulations, you deserve the best in life and I hope you get it’

Nicole hugged her and smiled ‘Thank you, and the same to you’

3 months later

‘Ready?’

‘Yes’ Nicole said as she held onto her fathers arm and stared at the doors that would open up to a large room but essentially her man was waiting for her at the end.

‘If he ever hurts you…’

‘Dad…’

‘Okay, fine...but...’

Nicole smiled and squeezed her arm ‘Don’t, you will make me cry and I don’t want to ruin my make up’

Nicole walked across the aisle focusing on Angelo and clutching onto her dad so that she didn’t fall over

‘Its okay, you will be okay’ he said as they reached the altar and gave her hand to Angelo’s.

‘Hurt her…’

Nicole glared at him but Angelo replied seriously ‘I wont.’

Nicole looked into his eyes and Angelo smiled as he whispered four words into her ears

‘Queen of my heart’

‘Forever’ she whispered back before holding his hands firmly and looking at the reverend in front of them…looking forward to the rest of her life.

**

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