Confusion

[Zetti]

Chapter 21

Heath woke up that morning and turned around expecting Bianca to be there but she wasn’t, he moved his hands towards her side of the bed and it was cold.

He had expected Bianca to be there so it puzzled. He got up and pulled his shorts on. He plodded his way down the stairs and saw her sat there with a pensive look.

‘Whats wrong?’

‘We need to talk’

‘Want breakfast?’ she asked idly as she poured herself a glass of orange juice so she had something to do with her hands.

‘No, just tell me what is going on’

‘You’ve noticed that you don’t talk much about anything’

‘And?’

‘You don’t see anything wrong with that?’

‘What do you want me to say?’

‘Tell me the truth, do you love me?’

Heath looked at her and responded ‘no’

‘Thought so’

She looked at her ring and then at Heath, she pulled it off and placed it on the table. ‘I am gonna sleep in the spare room till I can figure what to do’

‘No don’t, please don’t’

‘I have to’ came her final response. ‘I cannot carry on like this, its not fair.

‘On who?’ Heath asked confused

‘On me, I love you, I can’t remember a time when I didn’t’

Heath was thrown by that stark revelation, as far as he was aware, their relationship didn’t have room for those feelings. He knew that things were not simple but he didn’t expect that. After so many failed relationships, he didn’t want to take things any further.

‘What about our engagement?’

‘Its off’

‘The house?’

‘Up to you, but I wont lose the kids’

‘I wont take them from you’ he promised as Bianca left the room and went back up the stairs.

**

Socially Ruby had friends that she could talk to but she grimly admitted to herself that she didn’t have the friends that she used to have when she was a teenager living in Summer Bay.

She knew that she was no angel and that half the time she drew people away but she missed the Bay too much, she knew without a shadow of a doubt that if she ever got out of here. She would raise her daughter in Summer Bay.

John watched as Ruby stared out of the window, she had Elsie asleep on the lap. Elsie looked completely content to be in the warmth of her mother.

That pang of endearment that had hit him earlier left him missing his wife that little bit more.

Of course he spent days doing the mundane things that life had to offer but at the same time in the back of his mind, he couldn’t stop thinking about his wife.

Her smile, golden blonde hair that curled just before it reached her shoulders.

He reminisced about her, she had been in the garden sat on the patio nursing a glass of wine.

John smiled as he remembered her taking a sip of the wine and then spotting him watching her as he leant against the doorframe.

He couldn’t believe that she loved him and that despite his failings in so many ways, she had so much love to give to him.

He recognised a look of pain in Ruby’s eyes and when she returned from placing Elsie in her bed, he decided to find out more about his sister in law. There was so much he didn’t know and he found himself wanting to know more.

She was his family. Ruby, Ryan and Elsie was all he had. It had taken him so long to let go of resentment towards Ryan, he had no doubt that Ryan had punished himself countless times and that there was no point in harbouring a grudge.

It wouldn’t change the past and he wanted to move on. He needed to move on.

‘Do you miss Ryan?’ John asked as he handed her a glass of wine which she took with a smile. He studied her face when he mentioned Ryan, she was unreadable.

‘I miss him, yes I do.’

John could sense there was more she wanted to say, he opened his beer can and took a gulp waiting for her to carry on, he knew that she wanted to talk; it was just a matter of letting her do it.

‘I just don’t know what kind of person he is. For 6 years, I lived and shared my whole life with someone who doesn’t exist’

‘How do you figure that?’

‘He’s a drug dealer, he’s a pimp, he is working with Grant’ she said the name with an air of repulsion, it physically pained her to say his name

‘Worked’

‘Sorry?’

‘Worked, Ryan worked for Grant, not working, worked’

‘What difference does it make?’ she asked ‘It does not change what he did. He lied, he could have had drugs in the house where our daughter lived, what if she had found some and thought it was sweets?’

‘I am not going to deny what Ryan has done, He lied, he was a jerk, he did the worst thing imaginable but trust me when I say this, he always punishes himself. He wont stop doing it’

‘Punishing himself for lying?’ Ruby asked, The tone of John’s voice had her confused, somehow she knew that they were no longer talking about.

‘Yes’ he curtly responded but Ruby raised her eyebrows.

‘Don’t fob me off; what is he punishing himself for?’

You might need a few more glasses of wine before I open that can of worms’

‘Go on’ Ruby said softening her facial features in an attempt to get him to open up.

‘Its to do with my wife’

‘What was her name?’

John looked at her and slowly inhaled and exhaled before he was able to respond. ‘Lucy’

‘How long were you together?’

‘We dated for 2 years and married for 2 days before she died’

Ruby winced as John relived the memory of her death…

**

[Zetti]

Chapter Twenty Two

8 years previously…

‘John please for the love of God, stop fussing!’ Lucy sighed exasperated, she was tired and emotional, she had just had a very long conversation with her darling mother in law who couldn’t resist dropping hints about grandchildren.

Despite herself, she smiled. A little John running around sounded perfect.

‘We have to be at the airport in 5 hours and you’re going to work’ he pointed out

‘I will meet you at the airport’ she said but neither of them was to know that this would be the last time they saw each other.

‘Lucy?’ John said before she walked out of the room

‘Yes?’

He strode up to her and kissed her, she snaked her arms around his neck and sighed content.

‘What was that for?’

‘I wanted to, I love you’

‘Love you too John, my darling husband’

‘I could get used to hearing you say that…in bed’

She laughed.

‘Count on it’ as she kissed him back before moving out of his grasp and walked away from him and out of the house.

**

Lucy sighed. There were no available taxi’s for an hour and she needed to be at the airport, she couldn’t miss her honeymoon.

‘Lucy?’

‘Ryan?’

He had just driven up to where she was standing

‘Are you okay? You look lost’

‘Trying to get a taxi’ she replied

‘To?’

‘I’m going on my honeymoon tonight’

‘Congratulations, I didn’t know you had tied the knot’

Lucy looked at him with sympathy ‘I’m sorry, John was adamant’

‘Don’t apologise, it’s okay, I understand why he said it and I accept it. I deserve it’

‘No you don’t’ Lucy responded vehemently surprising Ryan. ‘Everyone deserves a second chance, and I mean everyone’

‘You want a lift?’

‘You don’t mind?’

‘Why would I? I’m on my way home, I can drop you off, its really not a problem’

‘Thanks’ she beamed at him. She saw the good in him. She was an optimist, in some ways she knew that he had goodness embedded in his character but chose not to show it to the world.

As he set off Ryan realised just how much he was regretting not keeping in touch with John. He would have loved to be at the wedding, pain coursed through his leg taking him completely by surprise.

A few moments later Lucy asked ‘Are you okay?’

He nodded not feeling able to verbalise his response. It puzzled him as to why he couldn’t say it but he didn’t get the chance.

Lucy saw Ryan convulse, she grabbed the steering wheel not sure what she should do next. She felt the car jolt and the next thing she saw was the car from the side driving straight into her.

**

‘I was told that my wife had been in a car accident?’

‘Name?’

‘Lucy Atkinson’

The nurse looked at the computer and clicked several buttons of the mouse which seemed to be in slow motion, he was getting more and more annoyed.

‘Is she here?’

‘Yes’ she motioned to a nearby nurse who she conversed with. ‘Would you like to come with me?’

‘Is she okay?’

‘I am afraid that your wife passed away’

‘‘Was she the only casualty?’

‘She was the only one to die, yes’ the nurse grimly confirmed

John was too numb to say anything else. ‘Unfortunately due to the nature of her injuries, it is hospital policy to not allow anyone to see her body’

John nodded in response, he was still in shock that he had lost his wife, the only person in his life that had actually made life bearable. He could live life because she was in it. Her absence meant that he had nothing of any value left on this earth.

‘Are you okay?’ the nurse asked

‘Yes, when will the body be released?’

‘As soon as possible’ the nurse replied. ‘There was something but the doctor will talk to you about that’

‘Something else?’ John was still in shock that his wife was dead, he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to cope with anything else.

‘Like I said Mr Atkinson, the doctor will talk to you about that. Now if you will excuse me I have to deal with a few things’

He nodded and slumped against the wall till he ended up on the floor in a small ball not sure how he had got from being on top of the moon to being completely and utterly alone.

‘Mr Atkinson?’

John looked up but made no movement, he knew he wouldn’t be able to move so the doctor sat opposite.

‘Were you aware that your wife was pregnant?’

‘Sorry?’

‘Yes, she was roughly 6months’

‘What?’ he replied ‘I’m confused, how can that be?’

‘Most women do not show much in their first pregnancy’

John was struggling to get his head around it all. ‘So the baby is dead?’

‘No, with your permission, we can do a Caesarean.’

‘Its too early’

‘The baby can survive, there are no guarantees but its worth a go, if you are willing’

‘Yes, you have my permission

**

[Zetti]

Chapter Twenty-Three

Heath watched the kids play on the beach, he couldn’t believe how much he missed Bianca, he loved her. He might have claimed not to but he really did, ever since she decided not to share the same room as him, it felt like a part of him had been ripped into pieces and he had no idea how to get it back.

‘Heath?’

‘Brax’

‘Where’s Bianca?’

Heath shrugged, ‘I have no idea’

‘You live with her’

‘I know but we don’t share the same room’ Heath had no idea why he said that but it was out, and to be frank he was glad it was, it was stifling him.

‘Because?’

‘I couldn’t say I love her’

‘Heath, you have to let the past go,’

Brax looked at Heath, he just looked pained and worn out, the effect of the past few years had finally caught up with him. He had never grieved his loss and he needed to get a grip. He had to get a grip.

‘You have to grieve. You loved her, we all loved her, It was cruel and horrible the way we lost her’

‘I lost a part of me’

Brax couldn’t argue with him because he was speaking the truth.

‘Remember the day we left?’ Brax asked him and Heath nodded, he couldn’t forget that day.

Flashback

‘Brax said are you ready?’

Heath sighed as Casey walked into the room; they were leaving the place that they had grown up. So much had happened. This place had memories that he knew would stick with him for life but he felt like if he left. Once he had closed the door on his room, the house, it might signify that he had moved on but he didn’t know if he was going to be able to move on.

‘Coming’

Casey turned and left the room. Heath scanned the room for the last time and then walked out closing the door.

‘Ready?’

‘To move? Yeah’ Heath replied but he knew that was not what Casey meant but he didn’t want to talk about it, and his brothers were aware of his reasons behind it.

‘Lets go then’ Brax said as he started the car, he looked at Casey who was sat in the front passenger seat but Casey was not looking at him. He along with Heath was looking at their house silently bidding it goodbye.

They approached the sign and they stopped. Heath looked at the sign and then to his brothers. ‘She should be here’

‘She should’ Casey agreed ‘She would like Summer Bay’

‘I miss her, I just cant imagine not having her in my life’

‘Heath’

‘I know, move on’

Casey looked at Brax and then to Heath and said ‘She was your twin, you will never forget her, and you have that bond that nothing can break, not even death’

Heath heard his words but it didn’t make any impact. He missed her and he hated the fact that she wasn’t there.

End of Flashback

‘You have to accept that she’s gone, I know it haunts you but stop dwelling’

Heath didn’t say anything so Brax left him alone to brood but he knew that Brax was right, didn’t make it any easier though.

**

Ruby had tears flowing out of her eyes and John had gone mind numbingly still. He didn’t know what had possessed him to release all that onto her but he was glad that she knew.

‘That is awful’ Ruby managed to say once she had stopped crying and was no longer in a state of shock

‘You learn to come to some sort of peace with it, you have to otherwise it eats you up’

‘Ryan hasn’t done that has he?’ Ruby guessed and sighed when John nodded.

‘Why does he blame himself?’ Ruby asked

‘If he had not had a fit then he would have safely driven her to the airport and she’d be here’

‘There was no way he could have known’

‘I know, but to be honest I blamed him for a long time & I think because of that, he blames himself as well’

Ruby sighed thinking of Ryan in turmoil. She placed her hands on her stomach and wished Ryan to be there, she wanted to raise her children with him in her life.

‘What about your baby?’ Ruby asked

‘She’s alive and living with her grandmother at the moment’

‘Do you have custody?’

‘Yes, she lives with me, but as I am helping Ryan, I decided to let her grandmother look after her’

‘Whats her name?’

‘Esme’

Ruby smiled and looked at him beaming. ‘That’s a beautiful name’

‘It was Lucy’s middle name so I chose it’

Rubys heart broke just a little bit more, it was blindingly obvious that John was still hurting over the loss of his wife, but Ruby was very aware that he had to work through the grief but as of that moment, she resolved to be there in any way possible. This man had been through so much and he deserved happiness.

‘Are you expecting?’ John asked as he realised she hadn’t taken a sip of the wine and then the telltale sign of her placing her hand on her stomach.

‘Yes’

‘Congratulations’

‘John, I need you to be completely honest with me for this next question’

John looked at her trying to gauge what she was thinking but he couldn’t, he just nodded and looked at her expectantly.

‘Are you in contact with Ryan?’

‘No’ which was the truth, Ryan had gone dark and John had no way of contacting him

‘You have been in contact with him though?’ Ruby asked

‘Yes’

‘Did he.. erm..’

‘Are you asking if he asked about you?’

She nodded and John sighed. ‘Of course he did, he kept trying to avoid the topic because it hurt him not to be here but he always asked and he loves you’

Ruby exhaled and looked at the door to the room where Elsie was sleeping. ‘I see Ryan in Elsie. She has his eyes, sometimes its like he’s looking back at me’

‘You really love him don’t you?’

She nodded not needing to say anything else. John knew her and she knew that she never had to hide who she was when it came to him, she couldn’t explain the feeling but it was how she felt.

‘He loves you too’ John concluded

‘Hmm’ Ruby said not wanting to go into more details about how she felt about Ryan.

She couldn’t talk about it because she simply had no idea how she felt about him, she didn’t deny that she loved him, there was no way you can be in a relationship with someone for that long and not harbour any types of feelings over it.

‘He does, he has never loved anyone the way he loves you’

‘How do you figure that?’ she asked

‘Ryan was a player when we were kids, we were competitive especially when it came to women’

Ruby nodded, she could see that. ‘There was one girl, Melanie, I think I was 18 or so, anyways, it was my first serious relationship and I honestly believed she was the one for me’

‘What happened?’

‘Ryan happened.’

‘What did he do?’ Ruby asked but getting the sinking feeling that she knew what had happened.

‘He fell in love and they ended up together’

‘Did he start dating her whilst you were with her?’

‘Yeah, but that was not what hurt the most if I am honest’

‘What?’ Ruby asked

‘It was the fact that she played us off against each other, I lost him because she claimed that he did it to get back at me’

‘Get back at you? Because?’

‘She got pregnant’

Ruby sucked in a breath and John carried on ‘At least she claimed that’

‘Claimed?’ Ruby was getting more and more confused by the minute.

‘She lied; she wanted to keep Ryan and I at loggerheads’

Ruby sighed as she took in all this information. It was clear that Ryan and John had a lot of issues and resentment between them, it just reiterated the fact that she really didn’t know her own husband as well as she assumed that she did.

‘Look’ John said once he spotted the confusion and turmoil that appeared to be afflicting Ruby.

‘Contrary to popular belief, I have forgiven Ryan for his mistakes. We both made so many mistakes, we wasted so much time hating each other’ John paused and ran his hand through his hair needing to do something to stop himself from shaking more than he already was.

‘Neither of us are angels and neither of us have pretended to be. I have forgiven him, he has punished himself more than I ever thought he would, to be frank I don’t think he’s stopped hating himself, but he will stop one day. You both have a niece who wants you in her life. I hope that he has forgiven me for mine’

‘I have’.

**

[Zetti]

Chapter Twenty Four

He heard from behind him and turned almost defensively to see Ryan stood there.

John’s first observation was that Ryan looked completely wrecked. It disconcerted him but he realised that it was a mirror image of how Ruby looked and felt.

‘Glad to hear it’ John said as Ryan looked at Ruby.

Ruby looked at him and instead of feeling anger and pain at how he had walked out and left her, she didn’t, and she missed him.

Seeing him there in the flesh was too much for her to bear without losing control of her legs as she slumped back against the sofa and sat there gaining control back.

She put her hands up to stop Ryan from coming near her, she wasn’t ready to have him near her.

‘Can you give me and Ruby a few moments?’

John merely looked at Ruby who nodded and then John stepped out of the room with the intention of checking on Elsie.

‘John, can I have a few minutes with Ruby please?’

Ruby nodded when John looked at her, and then he walked out of the room into the room where Elsie was.

‘Ruby’

‘Don’t!’ she bit out more harshly than she had intended, she didn’t want to cause pain but at that moment in time, that seemed to be all she could do, she needed him to stay away from her.

At that moment in time, just being in the same room as him was making her feel claustrophobic and anxious, she could feel her chest tightening but she slowly breathed in and out in a bid to calm her down.

‘Don’t what?’ he asked calmly

‘Don’t try and justify this, don’t give me explanations or excuses. I don’t want to hear your crap’

‘I had to do this, I had no choice’

‘No choice?’ she asked bitterly ‘Why did you sleep with me? To make my father happy? Would he have paid you more?’

‘Don’t say that’ he said with pain creeping into his voice, he hated the thoughts that Ruby had in her head, she was the best thing that he had, her and Elsie were his life.

‘Why not? I am a whore, for your pleasure, but you went too far’

Ryan really looked confused at this point ‘Too far?’

‘You made me fall in love, you told me that you loved me, and that I was your life!’

‘You and Elsie are my world, the only people I want to be with and have in my life’ he tried to make Ruby see his view but he had a sinking feeling that he was too late for that.

‘I do not want anything from you apart from one thing.’

‘What do you want?’

Ruby stared him down. ‘I want a divorce’

He knew that one day Ruby would ask him for that and he had begun preparing for it, but expecting it did not make a blind bit of difference.

It still cut at his heart, especially when he knew that there was no way he could change her mind.

‘Okay’

Ruby saw his face droop and cloud over with sadness, but she resolved herself and didn’t let it affect outwardly.

‘Can I at least explain?’

‘Explain? Explain what?’

‘Ruby...’ he started only to be shot down.

‘Explain why you took me into your bed, made me your little cheap plaything, made me fall in love with you and then you walk away, as if nothing has happened! As if I meant absolutely nothing to you, like our kids meant nothing to you!’

‘Kids? We only have Elsie’

Ruby didn’t say a word but it was too late, Ryan’s eyes dropped to her stomach

‘Are you pregnant?’ he asked with a low voice, almost as if he was scared to hear the answer.

She nodded and Ryan’s face lit up. ‘How long have you known for?’

‘Around the time you left’

Ryan felt like he had been kicked in the guts ‘Of course’

‘It changes nothing Ryan, once you have done whatever it is you need to do, I am not going to be in your life anymore’

Ryan had to concede that she was right it was not fair on the kids, it was clear that she hated him’

‘I accept that, there is no point in beating around the bush.’

‘Just say it’

‘Say what?’

‘Its over.’ Ruby said ‘Why else are you here?’

‘I’m here because I missed you, I miss seeing you, I miss Elsie, I love you all’

Ruby was battling with herself, was she supposed to believe him and fall into his arms? Was the past something she could erase and forget? She wasn’t sure anymore.

‘Just go’ Ruby found herself saying ‘This is it, I don’t want to see you again’

He took in the finality of her words, it was clear that she was hurting and it broke his heart to see it but what hurt that little bit more was that he was the cause. He thought to himself, the one woman who I have trusted in years has had enough. He decided to give her what she wanted.

‘Can I say goodbye to Elsie?’

‘Yeah’

Ryan looked at the face of his sleeping daughter, it was physically hurting him to know that he probably wouldn’t see her again, not be able to see her laugh.

He knelt at the side of the bed and took Elsie’s hand in his; he kissed her forehead and then stood up.

‘You do realise that Ruby needs time, you cannot expect it to be sorted straightaway, it doesn’t work like that’

‘John I get it.’

‘I will let you say goodbye’

Ryan didn’t hear him walk out of the room; he just kept his gaze fixated on Elsie’s face. He kissed her goodbye and then walked out with tears on his face

‘I better go’.

He looked at Ruby and then at her stomach where his unborn baby lay. He desperately wanted to pull her into his arms and never to let her go but he had to.

Ruby leant against the door watching as Ryan leant down to kiss Elsie on her forehead. He had tears pooling but he wiped them away and stared at Elsie for a long few moments.

‘Bye baby’ he stood up and looked at Ruby before walking out of the room. He walked to the door, and then turned around. Ruby was watching him, he wanted to say something but he stopped.

‘I will get my lawyer to talk to yours’

‘Fine’

Ruby watched him walk out of the room and then she burst into tears allowing John to comfort her.

‘How the hell did it get so bloody messy?’ she asked him

‘I wish I knew, but you can have him in your life, I would give anything to have Lucy in my life, I have Esme and I see Lucy in her every day but its not the same. You owe your children the chance to have their father.’

He stood up and went to lock up so that Ruby could ponder on what he had just told her. He felt bad using Lucy against her but if it meant that his brother got the happy ending then he would do everything in his power to make that happen.

**

[Zetti]

Chapter Twenty Five

‘Bianca’ Heath said as he entered the room.

‘Heath’

‘Dada!’ Max said with joy as he saw Heath walk into the room. Heath smiled and hugged Max, Bianca opened her arms but Max didn’t acknowledge her, neither did Lola. They both just walked into the lounge and sat down playing with each other.

It had been the same thing for nearly 3 weeks now. Bianca at first just pretended everything was okay but inside she felt like she didn’t count anymore.

‘Kids, bed now’ Heath said and when they tried to protest, he just looked at them with the no nonsense look. They sighed and made their way up the stairs.

‘You coming to say goodnight’

‘I will be up in a second’ Bianca said knowing that she couldn’t carry on the way she was going, it was not fair on anyone.

Bianca walked up the stairs and walked into the room just as Heath was tucking Lola in and he said to Bianca ‘Tuck Max in’

She nodded and made her way over to his bed but Max stopped her in her track by saying ‘No, Dada I want you to do it’

Bianca tried her hardest to mask the pain as it passed her eyes, Heath saw it, albeit fleetingly but he saw how hard she was trying not to break down but he didn’t argue with her decision to smile wearingly and left the room.

Heath walked back down the stairs to find Bianca stood up ready for a conversation judging by her crossed arms.

‘I cant do this anymore’

‘Do what?’ Heath decided feigning ignorance was his best option at the moment

‘This being the bad one all the time, it is painful watching the kids hate me’

‘They do not hate you’

Bianca scoffed ‘You do realise that since I started sleeping in the spare room, neither of them acknowledge me or even approach me, do you know how hard it is?’

‘They just don’t get why we are in separate rooms’

‘But you know, and I cant get past it. I cant be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love me’

‘What are you saying?’

‘I think you should move out’ Bianca said before she could take it back.

‘What?’

‘You heard’

‘No, I will not leave the kids’

‘You can still see them’

Heath sighed and then spoke firmly ‘I will not be a part time dad’

‘You aren’t, but I cannot carry on like this anymore, I cant and wont do it’

Heath sighed ‘I am going to bed, we can argue this out in the morning’

Bianca nodded but at that point she had decided that if Heath was not going to move out, then she had to, as painful as leaving the kids would be, she had to do it otherwise she was going to go insane.

How could she live with someone who didn’t love her? Who only wanted her for the kids? The kids that couldn’t bear to be in the same room as them.

**

‘John’ Ryan stepped out of the shadows as he went to lock up.

‘Ryan’

‘How is she?’

‘How do you think? She’s trying to make sense of it all, you can’t blame her, all the lies and deceit’

‘I know, and I have to tell you something, you know that day I came to see you? A year after Lucy died’

‘Yes, what about it?’

Ruby called out. ‘John?’

‘What is it?’

‘I’m going to sleep, you need anything before I do’

‘No, you go,’ he called back and got nothing back but he heard the door to the bedroom close.

‘Go on’ John said once he was sure that Ruby was not going to disturb them.

‘You remember when I turned up at the funeral?’

John nodded not wanting to verbalise his response, Lucy always had the power to hurt him deeply and he didn’t think he could talk without crying. Crying just was not an option anymore, not for him.

‘I was never intending on turning up but a visit I got proved that I had to’

‘Spit it out Ryan’

‘You never got to see Lucy’s body did you?’

John tensed up, he hated talking about it, and there were too many resolved feelings that he didn’t want to revisit.

‘No’

‘There was a reason for that’ Ryan said and John’s head shot up glaring at him.

‘What the f*ck are you on about?’

‘Meet me tomorrow, the café on the high street. I will explain’

‘Fine’

**

[Zetti]

Thank you all! I know I don’t regularly say thanks but I do appreciate every single comment I get. All the comments just make me want to write more, I apologise for not being able to update much over the past few weeks but just started a new job and had a lot to do, but never fear, I am back and ready to update! I hope you enjoy this as ever, comments are appreciated!

Warning: Mild Swearing

Chapter Twenty-Six

John met Ryan as they agreed the next day; neither of them had been able to sleep in anticipation for this conversation albeit for different reasons. John was increasingly curious as to what the news it was that Ryan wanted to tell him. Ryan was concerned as he had no idea how John would react to the news he was going to give him.

‘Ryan’

‘John’

They sat down and ordered themselves a drink, once the waitress had left and then returned with their drinks; John asked ‘What is it?’

‘You remember not being able to see Lucy when the hospital said she was dead?’

‘Something to do with hospital policy’ John tersely responded

‘Right’ Ryan was not convinced and wanted to fully explain what he had found out regarding it.

‘What?’

Ryan looked at him and took a sip of his coffee ‘What?’

‘Don’t give me that, you know something, and I don’t have time for messing around, so just tell me what is it?’

‘The hospital lied to you’

John looked and felt even more confused ‘Lied about what?’ he asked with trepidation sneaking into his voice.

‘About Lucy’

‘What about her?’

‘She’s not dead’

‘You want to tell me what the f*ck you are talking about?’

‘Okay, you know the car crash, and my fit that caused it?’

‘Old news’ John dismissed it, he had no intention in dragging up the past, it had been raked up and run through so much, he didn’t want to do it again.

‘Lucy was badly injured and hurt quite badly, her face was disfigured’

‘Just get to the point, she’s alive?’ he said needing reassurance more than confirmation.

Ryan nodded ‘She is’

‘So where is she?’

‘Safe’

‘I want to see her’ John was adamant and Ryan didn’t blame him, he would be the same if he had lost Ruby.

Ruby. Just saying the name made him feel totally lost but he brushed it to the side, he had to focus on John.

‘I know you do’

‘Where is she?’

‘She’s on her way, do you have any photo’s?’

‘Photos?’ John asked trying to get his head around the fact that he was going to be able to see his wife after so long

‘Esme’

‘Yes, in my wallet’

‘Okay’ he looked at his phone. ‘I am going to go and get her, stay here, I will be back’

Ryan left his phone on the table to reassure John that he would return. Ryan met Lucy around the corner.

‘You okay?’ he asked

‘Yeah, I have dreamed of this for so long’

‘So has John, a warning though, he looks a bit lost.’

‘I don’t even know what I am going to say’

‘Tell him the truth, he will understand’

**

Heath woke up the next morning a lot earlier than the children usually got up just so he could talk to Bianca he had to fix this. He missed her.

‘Bianca?’ he said as he walked into the spare room where she was. He looked around, it was clear that the bed had not actually been slept in.

He walked down the stairs, and looked around feeling perplexed.

Where has she gone? Why would she just disappear and leave us all?

He spotted the letter on the table and got a sinking feeling, he looked at the clock, it was 6.45am. The children wouldn’t be up for a while so he picked the letter up and sat on the sofa reading it.

Heath,

This is one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I am so painfully aware of how much you love the children and not me.

I do not begrudge the children your love, I am so glad that they love you and that you love them back, they deserve that love.

I only wish I had never hid the fact that I was pregnant from you; maybe things would have been different.

The kids need you and as you already know, the children clearly do not need me in their lives if they can push me to one side.

It is better that they think you are the hero and that I am the baddy, it stops them from getting more hurt.

I only want you to promise that you will love them and never let them get hurt. I can live with my broken heart as long as my two angels are safe.

I can also live with knowing you don’t love me but please please do not let the kids know how selfish I am for walking away.

I wish I knew what else I could do. I cant live with you knowing you don’t love me. A loveless relationship would only poison us and make the relationship with the kids bitter

. The kids deserve better than that. I am not going to pretend for a second that I am doing this for the kids, because I’m not.

I’m doing this to save my heart if it can be saved.

I will be back when I am ready, till then take care of the kids and yourself.

Bianca

The first few things that were running through Heath’s mind was how he was going to find her. He had realised over the past few days that he actually completely loved Bianca, he just didn’t know how to express how he felt over the past few days. It was only her moving out of their room that made him feel empty. It was his pride that stopped him from going to her at night and taking her into his arms.

‘Dada?’ Max asked as he plodded down the stairs rubbing his eyes

‘Hey sport, come here’ he gestured to the sofa. He scrumpled up the letter and left it on the table.

‘Where’s Mama?’

‘She’s gone away for a bit’

Max pouted and his lips began to wobble as sadness displayed on his face. ‘Is she coming back?’

‘Yes, sport she will’

‘Why did she leave?’ he asked as he sat on Heath’s lap and curled into him

‘She was sad and needed to go away to feel better, she will come back Max’

‘Is it my fault?’

‘No! Why do you think that?’

‘Because I was mean’

Heath sighed and made Max turn to look at him. ‘Your mum loves you and your sister, she would never leave you forever, I promise’ he hugged Max hoping that he had not just lied to his own son. Bianca had to come back, the kids needed her more than him.

**

[Zetti]

Chapter Twenty-Seven

‘Are you ready to talk to John?’ Ryan asked as he walked Lucy back to the café, he wanted them both to be able to sort this out but he was under no illusions, it was going to take a long time. There were no quick fixes.

‘Ready?’ she asked

‘No, but I have to do this, he needs to understand’

‘He will’

‘How can you be so sure?’ Lucy asked

‘If he could make me see that I was not to blame for the accident, then he can accept this, you know him better than me’

‘You weren’t to blame’ she reassured him, she had never blamed him for the accident that made everyone assume she was dead, there was no logical way he would have known that he was going to have a seizure. How can anyone know that?

‘I know that now’ Ryan responded

‘But back then I thought you were dead and everything changed’

‘Well it was not your fault, it was Grant’

‘Do not worry about him’

Lucy frowned, over the past 2 years, she had grown closer to Ryan, he was good to her and she liked him enough to trust him with her past, something that only John had ever known.

She was determined to fix things with him and his wife, especially if they had a child and a baby on the way.

Throwing it away unless it was the right thing to do was not going to help either of them, they needed to sit down and talk.

However messing with Grant might not get him very far and she needed to make sure that he didn’t hurt himself trying to take Grant down but she was aware that it might be unavoidable in order to put him away.

‘Right, nearly there, you want me to introduce you?’

‘Come with me, but let me introduce myself, I think I owe him that much at least.’

‘Okay’ he smiled in a bid to calm her nerves down but it was not enough, she was very anxious and nervous about how he was going to react to her.

‘John’

‘Lucy’ he said as he looked into her eyes, there was no anger in his eyes, just amazement and sadness.

Ryan stood next to them. ‘I will leave you both to it, I need to deal with a few things, you two going to be okay?’

John nodded ‘We will be fine, we have a lot to talk about’

Ryan looked at Lucy who smiled at him ‘Thanks but we will be okay, like John said, we have a lot to say to each other, a lot of questions that need to be answered.’

Once Ryan had left, John took out his wallet and pulled out a photo of Esme. He slid it over to Lucy. ‘That’s Esme’

‘Esme? You named her from my middle name?’

‘I had to, I needed you to be a part of it’

Lucy couldn’t speak; her eyes were fixated on their daughter, her blue eyes, and her dazzling smile.

‘She has your eyes’ Lucy said after a few quiet moments, John didn’t begrudge her that. There had to be extenuating circumstances that meant her death was faked.

‘Guessing you want to know why I had to be dead all these years?’ she asked once she had managed to regain her composure.

‘Yes’

‘It was not planned but the seizure was brought on by a drug Grant had given to Ryan’

‘Why?’

‘To get rid of him, so he could get control if you like of Ruby and Elsie’

‘So why you?’

‘I was there, I saw Grant. I knew he was involved, I guess Ryan realised that’

‘So what you are saying is that Ryan knew I was alive?’

‘No, he knew that I knew about it being Grant. He would never have let me do that for him, it was safer for him to think I was dead, the more people who knew, the more dangerous it was.’

‘The baby?’

‘What about her?’ Lucy asked unsure of what he was asking her.

‘When you realised that you had to ‘play dead’, what did you say to the doctor?’

‘I told the doctor to do a Caesarean’

‘With my permission?’

Her expression was pained as she tried to find the words to tell him. It was not an easy thing to say.

‘Luce?’

‘I told the doctor to do it regardless of your permission’

He stopped breathing for a few moments, he was literally frozen to the spot, once he had regained his composure, he asked ‘and if I had not?’

‘Does it matter? You said yes’

‘I need to know’ he bit out more harshly than he had intended it to be.

She flinched as he said it. ‘I told them if you didn’t want the baby then to give her up for adoption’

‘Adoption?’ he asked incredulously a few moments later trying to grasp what she was saying.

‘You see I thought if you said no, it was because you didn’t want to be reminded of losing me and there are so many people out there who desperately want children’

‘So you would have let our baby girl, go to some other people?’

‘John’

‘No, seriously, you would have?’

‘Yes’

He breathed in harshly causing Lucy to wince. ‘I did say to the doctor that I wanted you to hold the baby as soon as the Caesarean was done’

‘Because?’ he asked as gently as he possibly could without making her flinch. John exhaled after a few moments; all this had knocked him for six.

It was one thing to know that Lucy was alive & well but another thing altogether to realise that she had sacrificed her life to protect Ryan as well potentially allowing their daughter to be brought up by strangers.

It amazed him to realise that in the space of a few hours, his life had been turned upside down again.

‘John?’

‘Sorry, this is just a lot to take in’ he admitted freely, he had no intention of hiding anything from her.

He was just glad that she was alive and in his life again, it had been too long.

‘I can imagine, I think its best I let you take it in and we can talk another time’

‘Hold on, you can’t disappear on me now’

Lucy sighed and took John’s hands in hers ‘I promise you this I will be back.’

He grasped her hand and brought it up to his lips whilst his eyes stayed connected with hers, he kissed her hand before saying ‘You better do, I wont lose you again’

Lucy nodded as she stood up. ‘I will get back in touch’ she vowed before leaving the café and walking away till John could not see her.

**

[Zetti]

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Heath watched the children on the beach playing as normal. Apart from Max asking about Bianca, it had been nearly a week since she walked out and neither of them had asked since.

He cursed inwardly, no wonder she walked out. It would have torn him up if the children had just pushed him away like that and he would have automatically blamed Bianca for turning them against him.

Instead she accepted what the children were doing and never once distributed blame. She even accepted that he couldn’t love her the way she wanted him to.

She had no idea why but that was something he wanted to change. He was determined to make her realise that she was the one he wanted and that he had no idea how he felt about her.

That was what scared him the most, the fact that he was unable to make any sense of what it was that he was doing. If he was in love with her, it was a completely alien feeling and if he was entirely honest with himself, he was not sure that he wanted it.

He did love her; it was a love that came naturally to him. She was the mother of their two beautiful children so he did love her but he just couldn’t work out if he was in love with her. He had never been in love before so he really didn’t know to make any logical sense of it.

‘Heath’ he heard as he turned around to see April walking towards him.

‘April’ he replied not really knowing what he was supposed to say to her or vice versa, it really was an awkward situation to be in.

‘Not heard from her?’ she asked

He shook his head; he was hoping April was going to be able to tell him that she had found Bianca and that he might have a chance to persuade her that he wanted to make a go of things.

‘Me neither’ she said pausing before asking ‘How are the kids?’

‘They’re fine, go and see them if you want’

April smiled at the children who were attempting to bury each other in the sand and giggling, it was almost a relief to see that their mother’s disappearance had not affected them as much as she thought it might have.

‘It’s alright, you mind if I sit?’

‘Of course not’ he said as she sat next to him. ‘You haven’t been around much’

She blushed ‘Yeah, had a lot on’

‘Casey?’ he asked

‘Yeah’ she admitted with a smile. It was weird, they had been through so much and they had always found their way back to each other.

‘How did you know that he was the one you wanted to be with?’

She smiled wistfully. ‘How?’

He nodded.

‘Just the fact every time he isn’t there, I wish he was. When we are together, I am content, its enough for me’

April was watching Heath as he tried to apply that to his own feelings for Bianca and smiled as she watched the children who had resorted a sand fight that had her grinning.

Heath didn’t respond to April. He was taking in what she had said and in a way she was right, he hated not being with her.

It explained his refusal to move out when Bianca had asked him to. Sure he could claim it was because he didn’t want to leave the kids, which was true, but it was also because being without Bianca would have hurt like hell.

This just mirrored exactly how he was feeling right now. He finally realised that he loved Bianca and needed to find a way to prove it to her.

‘Auntie!’ Lola cried out in happiness as she flung her arms around April who returned the gesture.

‘Missy…have you been behaving?’

‘I been really really good!’ she said tilting her head to the side and smiling angelically which just made April and Heath look at each other in an attempt not to laugh out aloud.

‘No she been naughty!’ Max declared with his hands on his hips glaring at Lola. If looks could kill…April thought as her gaze passed between the two of them.

Lola mirrored the same pose as Max and flung back at him.

‘I been berry good!’

‘Been naughty!’

‘Good!’

‘Naughty’ Max went to grab onto Lola’s hand and Heath pulled him back.

‘Stop it! Both of you!’ he warned when Lola tried to retaliate.

‘Sit Lola’ April reprimanded and Heath made Max sit on the sand as well. Heath looked at

April who wanted to know if she could find out why they were arguing.

He nodded as he was curious to find out why they were so hostile to each other when only a few moments ago, they were happily playing together.

April looked at Max who was looking down at the sand looking sad. ‘Max, why did you try and hit Lola’

‘Its her fault’

‘No not my fault!’ Lola shouted and April put her hand on her arm and said ‘Lola’. That simple command was enough for Lola to keep her mouth shut but she crossed her arms and glared at Max that reminded her of a typical Bianca reaction.

‘Why was it Lola’s fault?’

‘She made me stop talking to mum’

Lola looked at Max and April found herself thinking yet again…if only looks could kill.

Heath intervened ‘Why Lola?’

Her mouth quivered in fear and April rubbed her arm ‘Its okay. You are not in trouble but we do need to know’

‘Mum was being mean’

‘Mean?’ April asked genuinely confused as to what it was that Lola was trying to say.

‘She and Daddy didn’t share the same bedroom’

‘Lola’ Heath said ‘That was my fault. Is that why you both stopped talking to your mum?’

Max and Lola both nodded.

He hugged Max and gestured for Lola to sit between him and April. ‘Your mum and I had a few problems, it was my fault, she didn’t do anything wrong’

‘She made you sad’ Lola declared ‘I don’t like it when you sad’

Heath sighed ‘I know you don’t, but I made your mum sad as well.’

‘Is she going to come back?’ Max asked

Heath didn’t know what to say, he had no intention of giving either of them false hope, it was not fair for him to do that but he didn’t want to crush them either.

‘I hope so’

‘I miss her’ Lola said as she rested her head against Heath’s arm and Max sighed in response.

‘Me too’

‘She loves you both’ Heath said and April nodded.

‘She does’

‘I want her to come back’ Max admitted as he put his head on Heath’s lap. Lola nodded and April hugged her. Heath and April looked at each other not really knowing what they could say.

**

[Zetti]

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Bianca stood on the balcony of her hotel room, it had been over a month since she left and she still didn’t know what to do. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to go back because she had no idea what their reactions would be. Essentially she had no clue if the children would be acting the same.

She knew that she should go back, but if nothing was going to change, then what would be the point?

Going back doesn’t get rid of my problems but at the same time, it doesn’t help me either…so I guess I need to decide on whether or not it is worth it.

If I ring April, is there any guarantee she won’t go running to Heath and tell him?

Everything has changed, am I being fair hiding away instead of facing up to my issues?

She stared at her phone, she felt drawn towards it. She knew she should ring him but she didn’t know what to say.

Meanwhile in Summer Bay…

Heath walked to the kitchen for the third time that night, he couldn’t settle. It was just too weird being in the house on his own without Bianca. He picked his phone up from the kitchen counter and scrolled down to Bianca’s number. He dialled it without even thinking. She probably was not going to answer but he had to try and contact her.

‘Heath’

‘Bianca!’ he gasped

‘Where are you?’

His initial reaction of worry quickly faded before his anger surfaced. He couldn’t believe she had stayed away for a month, he knew he deserved it but the children didn’t’

‘I cant say’

‘What about the kids? Do they not deserve to know where their own mother is?’

‘I can’t tell you where I am’

‘Why not?’ he tried his best not to lose his temper, it was not going to get him anywhere.

‘I know I am not being fair but do you know how hard it is to watch the children hate me, and don’t say they don’t hate me because they do, you are their hero, their dad and I am just the wicked witch of the west’ she said wryly trying to hide her pain and hurt.

‘Look, Lola has admitted telling Max to stop talking to you’

Bianca took a few moments before she responded ‘Why?’

‘Apparently you upset me’

‘Me?’

‘I put them straight, it was my fault, I couldn’t face up to what I felt’

Bianca frowned ‘How do you feel?’

‘I love you’

She scoffed ‘How handy is it that you say that now after me being away for a month?’

‘Look I am sorry I should have realised earlier but it took the kids to make me realise how I felt’

‘You want to explain?’ she asked as she felt so many different emotions invade her mind.

‘Yeah I will but face to face. You need to come home’

‘Heath..’

‘Please, I miss you, the kids miss you and we want you back’

Bianca sighed ‘I will but nothing has changed. Its still separate bedrooms till I can work out what to do next’

‘Okay’

‘Fine. I will be back sometime tomorrow’

Heath smiled as she hung up, he had a second chance and he had to do everything possible to make it count.

**

Ruby had not seen Ryan in over a month but she had finally met Lucy after John told her everything to do with Grant.

The first few emotions that passed through her was that her father was a b*stard who only wanted to hurt people.

Lucy had moved in with them, which proved to be successful because now Elsie and Esme had finally met.

Esme was so alike Lucy in more ways that they could have ever imagined. Elsie had grown very attached to Lucy and Esme in the same way Esme had grown attached to Ruby. The doorbell rang and Lucy looked at Ruby.

‘Are you expecting anyone?’

‘Strange’ she commented as she looked over the children who were content watching tv.

‘Maybe you should call John?’

‘No, he’ll just worry, let me go and see who it is’

‘Is that wise?’ Ruby asked

Lucy dismissed her comment and went to the door, she knew it was Ryan, they had planned it, and it was about time Ruby and Ryan talked properly. They owed it to their daughter.

‘Ryan’

‘Does she suspect?’ he asked as he walked in.

‘Nope.’

Ruby walked into the hallway holding Elsie. Elsie jumped out of Ruby’s arms and ran up to him.

‘Daddy!’

Ruby should have been annoyed but just the look of happiness and joy etched onto Ryan’s face as he picked Elsie up was enough to make her smile.

She should hate him but everytime she looked at Elsie, she saw Ryan looking straight back at her. Lucy sensed that Ruby wanted to talk to Ryan so she said ‘Elsie…lets go and get some chocolate’

‘Can I Mummy?’

‘Go on then.. not too much’ she warned but smiled at her.

‘I wont, promise!’

‘We need to talk’ Ruby said as Ryan looked at her. He missed her, it was too hard to resist the temptation to bring her closer into his arms. To feel her warmth in his.

‘Yes we do’

‘I need to know one thing’

‘What?’ he asked curious as to what it was that she wanted to know.

‘Did you mean it when you said that Elsie and I were your life?’

Ryan nodded not feeling able to voice his thoughts. He loved them both and just wanted a chance to prove it.

‘I cant pretend I am not hurt by your lies and deception, you lied to me for 6 years. How can we get past that?’

Ryan gulped and spoke ‘I cant change what I have done, I hate myself for it and I always will. I know I don’t deserve you or Elsie or this new baby but I hope you can find a way to let me stay in your life’

Ruby didn’t respond, the silence stretched out in front of them until Elsie broke it by running back into Ryan’s arms. ‘I got loads and loads of chocolate!’

‘Mummy said only a little bit..’ he reminded her but she smiled her toothy grin which just made him smile.

Ruby interrupted them ‘Elsie go and wash your hands for dinner’

‘Is Daddy staying?’

Ryan was about to say he wasn’t but Ruby got in first and said ‘If he wants to’

Elsie looked at Ryan and he nodded ‘Yes, I am. Go on and wash your hands like your Mum said.’

‘I want to forgive you. I need you, this baby needs you and so does Elsie’ she paused for a moment ‘but I don’t know how to.’

‘I know but we cant carry on like this’

Ruby nodded in agreement. ‘I need time but I don’t want you to stop seeing Elsie, she’d hate as much as you would.

‘Sure’

‘Come on, let’s go and see what our little monster is up to’

**

[Zetti]

Chapter Thirty

Bianca stared at the door to her house well technically it was her house but at the same time it didn’t feel like her house.

It felt alien and odd to her. She hated that feeling. She put her key in the door, it was 4am in the morning, and she just wanted to see her kids.

She opened the door and found the room empty, which she expected, and yet she was disappointed, a part of her wanted Heath to have been waiting for her. She put her bag on the couch and looked around.

Despite herself she couldn’t help but smile at the scene that awaited her, there were toys and books strewn all over the place.

She knew sleep had already evaded her, so she decided to start cleaning.

Heath woke up about 8am; he could not hear anything which meant that the kids were still asleep.

He was tempted to turn over and go back to sleep but the kids were not going to be asleep much longer so he might as well get up.

He got up and got ready. Just as he got changed, he heard the kids jumping up and down on the bed laughing to themselves.

He grinned knowing that they were doing it to get a rise out of him but for today he promised himself that he wouldn’t.

‘Max! Lola!’ Heath shouted out

It instantly went quiet as he stepped out of his room with his hands on his hips waiting for the twins to approach him.

‘Dada?’

He gave them a look and they both had sad puppy dog expression on their eyes.

He laughed ‘Go downstairs and I will make you breakfast’

‘Pancakes?’ Lola asked

‘Porridge’ Heath replied knowing she would turn her nose up at it.

‘Yucky!’

‘Lola...’

She sighed and went down the stairs, Max followed her but Heath noticed that he looked really withdrawn so he stopped him and crouched down to his level

‘What’s wrong?’

‘I miss Mum’ he said as his bottom lip quivered. Heath picked him up and took him down the stairs.

‘I know you do, I miss her as well’

Lola was on the couch playing with her dolls. For a moment Heath asked himself ‘how did the room get so tidy, I swore it was a mess when I went to bed last night’

‘Dad I want food’ Lola murmured as she looked up at him as he put Max down.

‘Your porridge is coming’

She grimaced which just made Heath smile, Max stood next to the couch looking at a bag. Heath spotted it and for a moment he was struggling to make sense of what it was.

He walked into the kitchen and prepared the porridge. Once he had Max and Lola eating it, he went back into the living room and opened the bag.

‘Ah that’s where I left it’ he heard a voice say. He spun around and looked at the stairs where the sound had emanated from.

Mama!’ Max cried out as he spotted her and ran into her arms. She dropped down and opened her arms wide so that he could hug her.

She tried not to cry but she couldn’t help it. Lola smiled nervously as she saw Max hugging Bianca. Bianca smiled and opened her arms which had the desired effect as she hugged her.

‘Kids, go and get changed, I will be up in a bit’

Bianca stood up and let the kids pass. As soon as the kids had gone into their rooms and closed the door, Heath turned his attention onto Bianca.

‘When did you get back?

‘This morning’

‘So you set off after our phone call?’

‘Yeah’

‘Why? I thought you would have waited a few days’

‘I needed to be sure’

‘Sure of what?’

‘That you loved me’ she said

‘And?’

She walked towards him and took his hands in hers. She then rubbed her hand against his palm smiling up at him seeing the warmth in his eyes and the heat of his body against hers.

‘I know you feel the same as me’

He grinned and moved towards her to kiss her but she stopped him. ‘No I need to tell you something first’

He groaned in frustration but smiled at her, pulling her in closer... ‘Be quick... I really want to kiss you’

‘Patience Braxton’

He mock growled at her as she smiled up at him.

‘Arguing with me already?’

‘Someone has to’

She narrowed her eyes as the children came down the stairs.

Heath looked at her ‘I better get them to Brax’s, don’t go anywhere, I still need to talk to you’

‘Fine’ she said as she sauntered upstairs

‘I need a shower’ grinning to herself as she heard Heath mutter unintelligibly under his breath and smiled insanely to herself as she heard him slam the door in obvious frustration.

**