Blind Sided

[Ludub]

Thanks again for all the kind comments :-)

CHAPTER 11

The sea was glittering in the sunshine, an incredible turquoise blue, with white frothy waves lapping onto the beach. The sky was an astonishing shade of blue, not a cloud in sight. He'd never seen the bay look more beautiful. 

He was running towards the water, hand in hand with Evie, leading her as they laughed. The white sand was hot under their feet, so they were skipping slightly to stop the burning. He could see where the water met the sand and was looking forward to the refreshing coolness of the salty water on his skin. It was a hot day and he could feel the heat on his back, in his bones, the sunshine on his face. 

Evie was dragging slightly behind them as they ran and he looked back at her every now and then.  She looked stunning in her bikini, her skin tanned and glowing, her eyes sparkling in the bright light... She was smiling with excitement. He knew he would pick her up and playfully throw her in the water, and that she'd pretend she didn't want him to.  She'd squeal and giggle. He loved that giggle of hers, especially the way her nose wrinkled when she laughed.   

They reached the edge of the water and he felt the coolness wash over his feet as the first wave lapped in to meet him. Life couldn't be more perfect, he thought.

As he stared out at the horizon, blue skies meeting sparkling blue water, he became aware of a presence behind him, a dark and ominous presence. He froze. His heart was suddenly beating loud and thunderously in his chest. 

Something hit him hard in the back of the head, making a sickening noise, like someone cracking a coconut. He fell forward, unable to break his fall, and landed face down in the water. 

He tried to get up but he realised he couldn't move. He was trying to turn his head, to take a breath, but he found he was paralysed. The panic was building as he realised he would have to breathe sooner or later. As he held his breath, he could feel the pressure mounting in his chest, like his lungs would burst if he didn't breathe in, and in that moment he knew he was going to drown. 

As he lay in the water, motionless, a dark figure stood over him, watching him, willing him to drown. He felt their foot on the back of his head, forcing his face further under the water. He couldn't fight back. This dark figure wanted him dead and there was nothing he could do about it. He was powerless to save himself. He couldn't move his arms or his legs, or even lift his head. He wanted to call for Evie but he knew he couldn't. He wondered how long he could hold his breath for, how long before he had to give in...  

"Josh! Josh! Wake up, Josh!" Evie was shaking him "It's just a nightmare! It's okay Josh, its okay!". 

He flung himself into a sitting position, gasping for air, and coughing imaginary water from his lungs. He'd been flailing his arms and making loud choking noises. His heart was beating so fast he could feel his pulse in the blood vessels in his neck and hear his own heartbeat thumping in his ears. He was soaked in sweat. The world was dark again.

"Where is he?!" Josh spluttered, feeling the back of his head, half expecting it to be smashed like the shell on a boiled egg. He was sure there was someone else in the room, watching him.

"Who, Josh? Who are you talking about?" asked Evie. She could see he was in a pretty bad way.  "Do you mean Andy? I can go and get him if you want?"

"No, not Andy", Josh was struggling to get the words out between laboured breaths, "Him". He pointed to a corner of the room, he was sure he was lurking there, he could feel his presence, feel himself being watched.  

Evie looked where Josh was pointing but there was nothing there. He was frightening her now, the way he was breathing... It was obviously another panic attack. He looked so scared, cowering on the bed, his eyes darting around the room as he listened, like a hunted animal. She was kneeling on the bed beside him, unsure of what to do, she took his hand in hers. "Josh, there's no one else here, it's just us. It was just a nightmare, Josh." 

His chest was still heaving, as he tried to catch his breath. He knew she was right but he couldn't shake the feeling that there was someone there, in the darkness, watching him. He couldn't hide his fear.

"Josh, just stay there, I'm gonna go and get Andy" said Evie. 

He held her hand, pulling her back to the bed "No!" he managed, as he laboured for every breath "please............don't leave".

She was really worried now. She put her hand on his chest to feel his heart. It was like it was about to leap out of his chest. She began to shout "Help! Andy! Kyle! Josh needs help! Please, help!" Evie was scared Josh would have a heart attack.

Andy arrived first, running wide eyed and startled into Josh's room. He'd been asleep but woke up with a start when he heard Evie cry for help. He was shocked to see the state his brother was in, sweating heavily and struggling for air. He raced to Josh's side and knelt beside him, his hand on Josh's shoulder. "It's alright, mate", said Andy, throwing Evie a worried glance. 

Kyle arrived a moment later, "Oh mate, not again" he said, "I'll see if Nate's next door". He ran outside and started banging on Ricky's door. 

Josh had gone a strange shade of white and his lips were turning blue. He was barely getting a breath in, his chest heaving to little effect. He had a tight hold on Evie's hand, so much so it looked like he might break her fingers. His eyes were darting around the room, like he was looking for something, anything to save him. "Please just hold on, Josh." said Andy. "You'll be ok, just breathe."  

*****

"So, it was just another panic attack?" Josh asked Nate, feeling foolish. He'd given everyone such a fright over nothing! He felt a little cheated that it wasn't a genuine medical problem, something tangible. It had felt like so much more than a panic attack! He had been convinced he was dying this time. 

"Yes Josh" sighed Nate, feeling genuinely sorry for him, "it was a panic attack."  He knew Josh was having a really hard time with all this. He wished he could just write him a prescription and make it all better for him, but anxiety disorders didn't work like that.  "I know it can feel very frightening but it's really just your body's fight or flight mechanism."

"Mate, that's good, isn't it? It wasn't a heart attack" said Andy, feeling relieved.

Josh was pretty exhausted, and he was feeling bad for scaring Andy and the others so much. He couldn't understand how this kept happening.  This one seemed to have come out of nowhere.

"I'm sorry, Andy... Sorry for scaring you all" said Josh.

"Mate, there's nothing to apologise for! I'm just glad you're okay" said Andy, ruffling Josh's hair. 

In truth Andy had been absolutely terrified, and when he thought how scared he'd been an hour ago, he wasn't sure his own heart could take it if Josh pulled another stunt like this. He was tired of putting on a brave face but he knew he couldn't let his brother down, not when he needed him so much.

"That's just it, maybe I'm not ok." said Josh, blinking back a few tears. "I don't know what happened tonight, I really don't"

Andy put his arm around his little brother. "We'll get you sorted mate. It'll be okay". He really hoped it would.

*****

Evie sat on the side of Josh's bed, holding his hand and interlacing her fingers with his. Her eyes were still puffy from crying, and what was left of her makeup was streaked from her tears. She felt guilty that she was actually a little grateful for Josh's blindness. Part of it was pure vanity, she didn't want Josh to see her looking such a mess, but she also didn't want him to know how scared she'd been.  She needed to be strong for him. He didn't need to be worried about her on top of everything else! 

"So.... this is becoming a bit of a habit" said Josh, hanging his head and looking tired and depressed. "Another panic attack... Kind of embarrassing, huh?"

"What?! You have nothing to be embarrassed about Josh! What are you talking about?!" said Evie, surprised that Josh would feel this way. 

"You don't expect to wake up beside some lunatic, having nightmares and making a massive fuss about nothing" said Josh, feeling the sting of humiliation that Evie had seen him like that, again. He thought he must seem like such a mess.

"Josh, there's nothing embarrassing about it! I'm just relieved that you're ok." She gave his hand a squeeze and leaned in to give him a kiss. 

He was glad she was there. He kissed her gently and then gave her a little smile "Thanks for being here Evie... I was so scared"

"We all were Josh, it was pretty scary" said Evie, holding his hand and rubbing her other hand up and down his arm in a reassuring way. 
 
She moved closer to him on the bed, and stroked his hair back from his eyes. "Do you remember what set it off? What you were dreaming about?"

He let out a big sigh. He didn't really want to talk about it,  he wasn't sure he could. But this was Evie and he didn't want to push her away again, not now that he had her back. He needed her. So he tried to put it into words, to explain as best he could. His voice was shaking. Just talking about it was bringing it all back. 

"Someone was trying to drown me... They were holding my face under water and I couldn't move, couldn't see, couldn't talk.... I felt just like I did in the hospital... Y'know, when I first woke up? Totally powerless! But I was suffocating and I couldn't do anything about it. I was paralysed....." His bottom lip was trembling and he was blinking back tears. "I never want to feel like that again... Not ever.... You have no idea what that feels like, Evie. It's terrifying". A tear rolled down his cheek and he wiped it away, annoyed at himself for being so weak.

"Oh my God, Josh, I had no idea" said Evie softly, surprised that Josh had opened up like this and been so honest. She hadn't really understood what it had been like for Josh when he woke up. It hurt her to think how trapped he must have felt, how vulnerable and helpless. She felt terrible that he'd had to go through all this, that he was still going through it, and she felt an incredible sense of guilt. "I can't imagine what that was like" she said, not sure what else to say.

He nodded his head, closing his eyes tight to try to stifle the tears.  Evie threw her arms around him and hugged him tight. 

*****

"I think I'm gonna do it" said Josh, "I mean... I think I have to do it...." He'd been awake for hours going over it in his head. 

"Do what?" asked Evie, still half asleep in the bed beside him.

"I'm gonna do that mediation thing... with Tank". He was already anxious just thinking about it but he'd made up his mind. 

Evie pulled herself up on one elbow and looked at Josh in shock. "You're gonna do it?!", she asked. Still reeling from the night before, she was really worried now. Josh was still such a mess, just barely keeping things together, she thought, she was worried that this would all be too much for him. 

"I think I have to" said Josh nodding slowly. He looked distant, more like he was talking to himself than Evie.

"I'm not sure you're ready for that Josh. I mean, last night..."

"Last night..." he interrupted, "I had a dream about someone trying to kill me.... It was just a dark figure, I didn't see their face... but I think..." He took a deep breath and blew it out again, "I think it was Tank" he said, still sounding distant and detached. "I think I have to face Tank.... I think I have to... If I don't, I've let him win...  I need to take away his power over me...."

He sighed, and ran his fingers through his hair, "If I don't... these panic attacks are never going to stop."

He turned to face Evie, "What do you think?" he asked.

Evie took his hand and pulled in close to kiss him. She had never been more proud of him, "I think... I think you are, without a doubt, the bravest person I know. I mean it, Josh Barrett, you have no idea how incredible you are". 

[Ludub]

Thanks again for the encouraging comments, I really appeciate it. Hope you enjoy this chapter :-)

 
CHAPTER 12

Josh was stunned. He couldn't believe the sheer arrogance of this person sitting opposite him. Josh wondered how he had been so stupid to think this would help. 

"Friends?!... You think we're going to be friends?!" He spat the word 'friends' like it was the most disgusting thing in the world, like someome clearing their mouth after they've just vomited.

"In what world could we be friends?!" he continued. He was shaking now, adrenalin rushing through his body. He could feel that familiar thump in his chest. 'No, Josh, get it together!' he thought, 'No panic attacks today. Not in front of him!'. He tried to slow his breathing. 

Tank had apologised for hitting Josh, explaining what a difficult time he'd been having dealing with his mother's death. He said that he'd been having some sort of breakdown but that he was doing much better now.  Counselling had made him see how much of a mess he'd been. He said he was sorry for how he'd treated Evie, scaring her like that, and that he couldn't forgive himself for what had happened to Josh. He'd asked if there was anything he could do to help, and said he hoped that maybe they could even be friends one day.

"You have no idea, do you?!" snapped Josh.  The smells and sounds of the hospital floated back through his mind, making him feel nauseous. He thought about all the time that he had lost, time that he would never get back, all those weeks in a hospital bed. He thought about his new life, the limitations, the day to day struggle. He thought about the artist he used to be, how talented, his gift just stolen from him. He thought about the houses he'd never build now, the future he'd never have. If he ever had children he would never get to see their faces. He would never get to see Evie's face again. Tank had taken so much from him. For him to sit there and think that they could ever be friends showed he had no grasp of what he'd done.

"I just thought that maybe we could get past this some day. I mean, it's not like I deliberately blinded you Josh. I only hit you once. I didn't know this would happen. I mean, have you never punched someone?!" said Tank.

"You left me lying in the dirt! You left me to die!" shouted Josh. He couldn't remember the attack but he knew what had happened from what he'd been told. "I was unconscious... You just left me there!" He was shaking so much now. The anger he was feeling was overwhelming, he dug his finger nails into the palms of his hands.

"They had to hack into my skull to relieve the pressure! Did you know that?!  My brain had been bleeding all night! Bleeding. All. Night. That's on you!...You did this!" He was breathing hard now, his heart beating fast. 

"And now... now I have to live with this for the rest of my life!" said Josh, his voice shaking.  

"I'm so sorry Josh" said Tank, his voice breaking. "I never meant for any of this to happen." Josh was surprised to hear him sniffling.

Josh sat across from Tank, listening to him cry, he wasn't sure what to make of it. He'd thought Tank was this total psycho who got his kicks messing with people and didn't care who he hurt along the way. Was he really just some vulnerable teenager with problems of his own to deal with? 

Josh sat back in his chair and took a deep breath, blowing it back out slowly. This wasn't how he had expected this to go. He had spent weeks in that bed seething with anger, wishing Tank all kinds of misfortune. He'd fantasised about hurting him, he'd wanted him to feel agonising pain, wanted him to suffer. The hatred he felt for Tank had been the only thing that had got him through. He had needed it, it was all he had to hold on to. 

He thought about what Mark had said at their last counselling session, about letting go. Mark said that holding on to hatred can just eat you up inside and sap your energy. He had to admit it, he was exhausted. He didn't know if he could ever really let go of the anger he felt towards Tank but he decided he would have to try.

He sighed "I can't forgive you Tank. You've ruined my life... and we're never going to be friends..... But... I don't know..." he said shaking his head sadly. "Just get on with your life and I'll try to get on with mine"

 *****

Andy had never been so proud of Josh. He'd been worried when he drove Josh to the mediation session that it would be too much for him, that it might just push him over the edge. Josh seemed so fragile these days and they'd all been treating him with kid gloves. But Josh had gone into that room and faced Tank, one on one, and he'd done it on his own, even though it obviously scared him.  He hoped this would be a turning point for him, that it would help him get on with his life, and that they could all move on now.... at least until the trial.

He didn't know how Josh had sat across from Tank and kept his temper. Andy knew he wouldn't have been able to, he always tried to solve things through violence. It had taken everything he had to keep from bursting into the room and beating the living daylights out of Tank. Allowing him to just walk away like this, to get away with it, made him feel like he was failing Josh as a big brother. He knew beating Tank up wouldn't help Josh but he thought it might make him feel a little better. For once he had restrained himself. This was about Josh, and how he felt. Nothing was going to bring his sight back.  He admired Josh's courage, it took a strong person to do what Josh just did.

He watched Josh across the table, laughing and messing around with Evie. This was a very different Josh from the one who'd come back from hospital only a short time ago. Andy was amazed at how far he'd come. That he could laugh and smile after a day like today was nothing short of amazing. His heart swelled with pride. 

Kyle had joined them for pizza after his shift ended so they could have a little celebration. Josh had really bought into a lot of what Andy jokingly called 'counselling mumbo jumbo'. He said he wanted to celebrate another 'small step', that they should all sit down as a family and that it was important to mark the occasion. He'd expected Josh to be downcast after the mediation session but he was actually surprisingly upbeat. He'd come out shaking like a leaf, but by the time they got to the car he'd calmed down and Andy was amazed to see him smiling and looking relieved. 

"So it went well?" asked Kyle, curiosity getting the better of him. He'd been surprised to see Josh so upbeat after his run in with Tank. Anyone would be forgiven for being upset, he thought, you don't often have to sit down for a chat with someone who tried to kill you.

"You know, it didn't really... " said Josh, shaking his head with a strange smile on his face. He was amazed at how much better he felt. It was like a weight had been lifted and he could breathe properly for the first time in ages. 

Kyle looked confused and threw Andy and Evie a questioning glance.

Josh snorted a little, "I mean, he's an idiot, and he has no idea at all what he's done... what this means for me... for the rest of my life... he really doesn't get it..." he said shaking his head incredulously,  "...but I realised that he's just a kid, nothing more... A stupid little kid... crying for his mum.... Kind of pathetic actually."

He sighed and sat back in his chair. "So I've made a decision... I'm not going to waste my energy being angry with him.... He's not worth it... He doesn't scare me... not anymore". 

"Mate... I don't know how you did that.  How you were able to sit there and listen to him... I mean... I want to kill him for you" growled Kyle. He was angry on Josh's behalf, but impressed at how Josh was dealing with it.

Andy caught Kyle's eye. Neither of them really understood this, they both liked to solve things with their fists.

Evie kissed Josh on the cheek, pulling him closer. She was so proud of how he was dealing with this. She turned to Kyle, and said "What would that solve?"

Kyle looked at Andy again and said "Might make me feel better". 

"Leave it guys... I mean it!" said Josh loudly, envisaging the wordless communication between his two 'big brothers'. He knew Kyle could be just as bad as Andy when it came to stupid decisions. He didn't want them getting themselves in trouble. He knew he was going to need them both for the foreseeable future.  What good would they be to him in prison?

*****

Tank was sitting in his room, strumming on his guitar. His dad had taken him back in when he got out of hospital and they'd been playing happy families ever since. His dad was being so nice to him, so considerate of his feelings, worried that he'd fall apart...  

Tank couldn't help smirking. He'd fooled everyone! His dad, his counsellor, Evie... even that poor blind sap, Josh... They'd all fallen for it, hook, line, and sinker! When he thought about the session today, it made him laugh. Who knew he was such a good actor? 'Oh, boo hoo hoo!' he thought, 'Poor me! I'm just so misunderstood!'  

He knew he'd been pushing things with the whole 'friends' thing but it was just far too funny. He thought Josh's reaction had been hilarious, his wounded little puppy face, so offended at the suggestion. Tank had had to stifle his urge to laugh by pretending he was crying, covering his eyes. He was sure the counsellor would see through his act.  But, no, they both bought it!  It couldn't have gone better! He was sure even Josh had started feeling sorry for him. How pathetic was that?! He wondered how anyone could be so sickeningly reasonable? 

This was going to be fun, he thought to himself, as he lay back on the bed. He picked up his phone and flicked to a photo of Evie smiling into the camera. She had her top pulled up to show him her stomach, proudly showing off her tattoo. "You don't get to run away that easily" he said to the image on the screen, "I own you".  

[Ludub]

Thanks again for your comments 

CHAPTER 13

Josh fidgeted in his seat. The group session was about to start and the final group members were taking their seats. Josh wasn't sure he really wanted to do this but Evie had pressured him into it. He had to admit she'd been right before. The sessions with Mark were still going really well but Evie was convinced that meeting other blind people would help him to deal with things better. She could be pretty persuasive when she wanted to be and Josh found it hard to say no to her. That's how he had ended up sitting on a cheap plastic chair in a community centre, surrounded by blind people. He wondered why he kept letting Evie talk him into this stuff? 

"So, we have a new member of the group. Josh can you please introduce yourself? Tell us a few things about yourself" said the counsellor leading the group.

He squirmed a bit in his seat, feeling very much put on the spot. He knew there was a circle of other young people like himself, teens and people in their early twenties who'd recently lost their sight. 

Evie had led him in to the room and helped him find a seat. She'd done her best to give him a description of the room, the layout, how many people were there, whispering in his ear as they made their way in. He loved her for that. She was always trying to help him get his bearings, and she was always straight and to the point without being patronising. He felt better when she was around. But now she was gone, and he was alone in a room full of people he didn't know.

"Um... I'm Josh." he began, feeling pretty silly. It all seemed so cliché, like an AA meeting you see on TV. "So, yeah, um... I live up the coast a bit in a small beach town called Summer Bay. I live with with my older brother.... I have a girlfriend... They drove me down here today". He wasn't sure what else to say.  

"Could you tell us how you lost your sight?" asked the counsellor.

Josh was shocked by how blunt this seemed. It was like she'd punched him in the stomach. He still found it hard to talk about being blind, saying it out loud always made it seem so much more real, so final. 

He let out a big breath and continued, "I've been blind for just under 4 months, I guess... so it's still very new.... um, I lost my sight through traumatic brain injury... It's uh, Cortical Blindness. I was assaulted..." Saying it out loud in front of such a large group was so much harder than he'd imagined. "I was attacked by my girlfriend's ex boyfriend, who, um... left me for dead....I was in a coma for a few weeks and then I.... I woke up blind".

People were clearly shocked. He could hear the sharp intakes of breath. He was curious as to how the others had got there. From their reactions he imagined it must not be through violence.

"And your interests, Josh?" asked the counsellor.

"I don't know anymore... I don't really have any.  I was really into art before this... Always drawing and painting.... I wanted to be an architect". He was surprised he'd disclosed this to the group and felt a bit embarrassed.  He thought it was a little self indulgent, like he was looking for pity. "Now... I don't really know....Listening to music, I guess". He was glad they couldn't see how red his face had gone, he could feel his cheeks burning.

"Okay, Josh, thank you for that. Welcome to the group, you'll make some good friends here."

They moved on to another girl who started talking about her boyfriend, obviously picking up from where she must have left off another day. He couldn't really focus on what she was talking about. He was feeling embarrassed and kept re-running what he'd said over in his head, wishing he'd said something different. He felt so self conscious these days.

The girl in the seat next to him patted him on the knee and whispered "Don't worry, Josh. You made it through that intro crap, it gets less cringey the more you come back here. Or maybe you just get used to the cringiness" giggling a little.

He thought he recognised her voice. There was something very familiar about it. From the way she spoke to him he thought she seemed to know him. He wondered how that was possible, he didn't know any other blind people?

"Tamara, do you want to talk about your surgery next week? How are you feeling about it?" said the counsellor.

Tamara! he thought, how had he not remembered her?

"Thanks Jean." said Tamara, sounding a little sarcastic. "To be honest, I'm not that worried about the operation itself. I don't really think it's going to fix anything. It's a pretty long shot... If I'm honest, I'm really only doing this for my dad. He's convinced this is going to be some kind of miracle cure. I just wish he'd accept that I'm blind... I have!"

Her voice was shaking a little. She was obviously more upset about this than she was making out. He thought about the Tamara he knew back in the bay. She hadn't lost that feisty nature of hers, like a little terrier, always ready for a fight. He couldn't help smiling. It was nice that there was someone there that he knew. He wondered what Casey would have thought of all this.

"This'll be my fourth surgery. None of them have made any difference! This is the last one.  I'm not putting myself through it again. He's gonna have to accept that I'm blind. If I can accept it, so can he!". She'd raised her voice, getting more angry, the longer she spoke.

"I know this is more about my brother than it is about me" she continued, her voice breaking a little. "He couldn't do anything to save him. That was out of his control. But he thinks he can control this. It's like he thinks if he can make me see again, he's somehow... I don't know... making up for my brother dying. Proving himself as a parent!... I don't know.....It's just sad." Her voice broke and she started to cry "I guess I feel like I'm failing him".

A man's voice, on the other side of the room, said "It's not your job to make him feel better, that's not your responsibility. It took me ages to realise that! Stuff him!". 

"That's a good point." said the counsellor,  "Tamara, do you think it's up to you to make your father feel better about things? Do you think that's your job?" said the counsellor.

"It shouldn't be" said Tamara, sniffling a bit. She was annoyed with herself for losing it. She liked to think she was too cynical for all this counselling stuff but she always ended up crying when she had to talk in front of the group. She was still finding this whole blind thing really difficult. "It's just hard. He's always so full of hope"

Josh thought how hard it must be for Tamara. He was pretty sure his blindness was permanent. No one was waving false hope under his nose, trying to persuade him to undergo painful surgeries that probably wouldn't work. How would you ever readjust to things if you thought you might not have to? Hope could be a terrible thing, he thought.

He was dreading when he would have to talk. It wouldn't be till next time, he was grateful for that. They'd said he could just listen for the first session and settle himself him in. He wasn't sure he could be this honest in front of total strangers. He thought Tamara was really brave.

*****

"This is so weird." said Tamara, giggling a little. "I never thought I'd run into you again. Pity it had to be under these circumstances".

Tamara had caught him after the meeting and suggested going across the road to a cafe she knew. He laughed as they made their way there. It was literally the blind leading the blind, he thought, as Tamara tapped their way there with her cane. He was amazed at how confident she was, and how easily she found her way there. 

"I was just so happy to hear a familiar voice" said Josh, "That's a pretty intimidating room".

"Ah it's not so bad, you'll get used to it. I pretend I've got it all together, that I dont need this place, but it does help sometimes... Just to have people to talk to, to get things off your chest" said Tamara.

"How long have you been coming here?" asked Josh.

"About 8 months. I went blind gradually, but I lost my sight completely about a year and a half ago. I wasn't doing very well with it at all until I found this group... It's really helped" said Tamara taking a sip of her coffee. "So you're still in Summer Bay? That's a pretty long drive. Are you gonna trek all this way every week?!" asked Tamara.

"There isn't a group in Summer Bay. This was the nearest one. I'm probably only gonna manage every two weeks but it's better than nothing" said Josh. "Heath and Bianca live in the city now, so they've said I can stay with them sometimes.... Andy drove us down this time so we'll be heading back shortly." He thought how big a step this had been for him, coming to the city, and he felt a little proud of himself. Only a few weeks ago this would have seemed impossible. He knew Mark would be proud.

Tamara thought about the Braxtons, and how big a part of her life they used to be. She'd lost contact with Casey a while after moving home.  She figured it was the natural order of things. He'd suddenly stopped answering her texts and she hadn't heard from him since. She couldn't help feeling a little hurt, but people just grew apart, she knew that.

"How's Casey doing?" asked Tamara, "You two getting on these days?"

"Oh, God, Tamara!" said Josh, truly shocked. She may as well have kicked him in the guts, he felt awful to have to break this to her! "I don't know how to tell you this. I didn't know you hadn't heard". He took a big breath and said "Casey died".

"What?!...No... that's not funny Josh" said Tamara, her voice already shaking. 

"It's true Tamara. I'm sorry. He died... he was shot" said Josh, reaching across the table trying to find her hand. He wanted to comfort her. Casey being gone was still hard to accept and something that Josh didn't like talking about. He missed him.

He caught hold of her hand and gave it a little squeeze. She was shaking and he could hear her sniffing as she cried.

"But he can't be dead. He can't.... Why did no one tell me?!" sobbed Tamara. It all made sense now. He'd just stopped answering her texts. She knew he'd been with Denny so she'd just assumed that it was the usual thing with jealous girlfriends. She hadn't blamed him for cutting her out to keep his new girlfriend happy. That's what people do. She'd never thought that something had happened to him. "Poor Casey!" she cried.

He explained what had happened while Tamara listened. It was difficult to talk about, even now.

"I'm really sorry, I just thought you knew" said Josh feeling terrible. "It was in the papers at the time. I just thought you would have heard"

"I bet my parents hid that from me" said Tamara, still crying, but there was anger in her voice now. "If I find out they knew and they didn't tell me, I swear, I will never speak to them again!" She was speaking through gritted teeth, the anger taking over now.

Josh smiled a little. This was the Tamara he remembered! 

"How's Brax coping with this?" asked Tamara. He'd been like an older brother to her and she knew how much Brax loved Casey. She thought how heartbroken he must be.

Josh let out a huge breath. This was a nightmare. How do you break this kind of news twice in one conversation?! He squeezed Tamara's hand. "You didn't hear about him either then?" said Josh.

"He got shot too?!" said Tamara. She'd raised her voice in shock, catching the attention of all the other diners in the cafe.  She couldn't believe what Josh was telling her.

"No.... Its complicated, Tamara... Brax died last year... in an accident... he drowned..." said Josh, conscious that they'd drawn the attention of the other diners. "There's a lot more to it but I'll explain some time when we're not in public." The whole story was so complicated, he wasn't sure he had the energy to explain it all now.

"I can't believe this!" said Tamara, breaking down again. This was almost like losing family. The Braxtons had been her surrogate family for such a long time. It was hard to believe they were just gone, and that she'd known nothing about it. 

"Please tell me Kyle's okay?" said Tamara, thinking she couldn't take more bad news. She felt guilty for not keeping in touch. 

"Kyle's fine, he's fine! Don't worry!..." said Josh. He heard her sigh with relief. "We live together actually. Me, Andy, and Kyle." said Josh. "We, uh, live in the Braxton house now. Ricky lives in your old flat. She and Brax had a little baby before he died...." He gave her hand a squeeze, "They named him Casey."

"Casey would have liked that" said Tamara, nodding sadly. "That must be terrible for Ricky, I can't even imagine..." 

She felt bad for not keeping in touch with Ricky either. Leaving Summer Bay had been such a hard decision for her. It had been easier to cut her ties and try to forge a new life, rather than looking back all the time.

She'd always held Summer Bay as a back up plan somewhere in the back of her mind though. She'd always thought she could go back. The Braxtons had always been a big part of that fantasy, like a security blanket, a second family waiting for her with open arms. In one afternoon, that had been taken from her. She wasn't sure if she would have preferred not to know. To continue living in ignorance. She couldn't help but feel a little angry with Josh.

She ran her fingers through her hair and blew air out through puffed cheeks. "So, Casey got shot, Brax is dead too, and you were beaten so badly you've been left blind?!" said Tamara, the anger resurfacing. She was shaking her head, still not able to take it all in. In a sarcastic voice, she said "Who says small towns are boring?!"  

*****

Back in the car as they drove back up the coast, Andy and Evie were surprised to hear about Tamara. Josh told them all about her surgeries, how none of them had worked but she just kept doing them. He said he felt sorry for her, putting herself though all that, the pain and the disappointment, again and again. He said he was glad there weren't any surgical options open to him, giving him false hope.

Josh had been talking non stop since he got in the car, overexcited and hyper. Evie glanced at Andy in the rearview mirror and could see he shared her concern. They both thought Josh was protesting too much. They knew that Josh's blindness was permanent and that no amount of surgery would ever fix it. Andy thought how hard that must be for him, the thought that others might still have that possibility, that the door hadn't completely closed for some of them.  Scans had shown that he had irreversible damage to the part of his brain that controlled his sight. 'Cortical blindness', they'd said. There was no surgery, no treatment... nothing they could do.  Andy would have done anything, given anything, to give Josh back his sight. He missed the old Josh.

[Ludub]

CHAPTER 14

"You two here again?" laughed Kyle, ruffling Josh's hair. "Seriously, you know we do have a kitchen at home, you could eat there once in a while?!"

"I wondered when my welcome was gonna run out" said Josh. 

He was a little annoyed with Kyle for messing up his hair. In a rare show of vanity, he'd asked Evie to sort it out for him before they left the house. 

"Make up your mind, Kyle. First you wanted me out of the house, now I'm eating out too much?" said Josh, pretending to be offended.

"Hey, I'm just kidding, mate" laughed Kyle. "Is it just the two of you?"

"Nah, Matt and Maddy are coming, they should be here soon" said Josh.

"Oscar's coming too" said Evie. She'd forgotten to tell Josh.

Kyle showed them to their table and stayed chatting with them till the others arrived. He liked to see Josh getting a bit of normality back in his life. Spending a bit of time with his mates would be good for him, thought Kyle.

Josh had told him about Tamara. He was sad to hear that she'd gone blind in the end. He'd always assumed that she'd had her surgery and that had been that. He felt sad that they hadn't kept in touch, she'd been an important part of his life at one time.

Thinking about Tamara now, he realised how much he'd lost in such a short space of time. The family he'd always dreamt about having as a child had been his for such a short time. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, he'd found a family, somewhere to belong. He'd had Brax, and Heath, and Casey, and even Ricky. He'd never had people care about him before, people who really had his back.... Then, bang! He lost Casey, and then he lost Brax... He didn't think he could cope with losing more people. He looked at Josh, laughing at the table with his mates, and breathed a sigh of relief that they hadn't had to bury him. He needed the Barretts more than he wanted to admit. He needed that feeling of family, of belonging. Josh was like a little brother to him. He just wished there was something he could do to help him. For now, he thought, the best he could do was free pizza.

Josh was really enjoying hanging out with his friends. Matt and Maddy had been telling him about their move to the caravan, which he thought was the funniest thing he'd heard in a long time. He couldn't help laughing when Matt kept telling her off for scratching her mosquito bites. Everyone knew how high maintenance Maddy was and it was pretty clear she wasn't enjoying it at all.  He was surprised that Oscar was able to hang out with Matt and Maddy like this. He'd been expecting a certain level of awkwardness but they all seemed to be getting on well.

"Anyone seen the new Star Wars film?!" asked Matt, out of nowhere. Maddy hit him lightly with her elbow, hoping he'd take the hint, but he thought she was just trying to get comfortable in the cramped booth, and shifted over slightly. He continued "I saw the trailer and it just looks amazing! The special effects look incredible. Definitely one for the big screen!". 

Maddy stamped on his foot. "Ow! Maddy! That was my foot!" said Matt, still not getting the message.

"Um, Evie said you went to the city yesterday?" said Oscar, jumping in to change the subject.

Matt's eyes widened, and he grimaced, covering his mouth with his hand. He'd just realised his mistake and blushed with embarrassment. He looked at Maddy who just shook her head at him and rolled her eyes.

Josh sighed, feeling a little sad "You can still talk about movies, guys.... I do remember the other Star Wars films.... Let's face it, it probably doesn't look much different" He knew they were all embarrassed and that no one meant to make him feel bad but there were times when something like this would happen and the injustice of it all would hit home. They'd all gone quiet. He didn't want them to feel awkward around him. "You shouldn't have to censor your conversations when I'm around... I'm a little bit tougher than that" said Josh. He squeezed Evie's hand and gave her a halfhearted smile to let her know he was okay. 

The conversation picked up again, after a bit of awkward bumbling from Oscar, as they desperately tried to steer the conversation away from anything visual. They made plans to go to the beach together and Evie was amazed that Josh had agreed to go, without her even having to twist his arm. "Small steps" she whispered to him chuckling, "Mark will be very proud of you". Josh smirked and shook his head, softly laughing.

*****

Josh started to get up to go to the bathroom. Oscar offered to help him get there and everyone watched as they made their way out towards the toilets. Josh hated that he drew attention now everywhere he went, but he'd resigned himself at this stage to the stares he could somehow sense as he passed.

Oscar led him to the door of the gents toilets. He was clearly unsure of whether Josh needed help inside and was silently panicking at the prospect. Josh toyed with the idea of making him come in to help him, just to mess with him. He knew Oscar would do it, out of sheer loyalty, but at the same time he'd be absolutely mortified. It would be pretty funny, he thought. He decided against it though and sent Oscar back to the table. He wanted to try to find his way back on his own. 'Small steps' he thought, smiling to himself.

He was washing his hands when he heard the door open. The restaurant was very quiet today, mostly groups of women, so he assumed it must be Matt or Kyle, or maybe Oscar if he'd come back to check on him. He turned towards the door and said "Um, hello?".

Suddenly his head smacked against the tiled wall behind him. He didn't have time to react before a hand covered his mouth and nose, and a body pressed up against him, crushing him against the wall. He could feel their ribs pressing against his. There was something sharp against his throat, cold and metallic, he knew it was a knife. They were standing so close to him he could feel their breath on his cheek. He was petrified, frozen stock still, but his heart was beating so fast it felt like it would burst. He couldn't understand why they weren't saying anything. They had him pinned, powerless, against the wall. Paralysed again, he couldn't breathe with their hand covering his nose. He thought he would pass out.

And then suddenly they were gone again. The door closed and he was left, still slammed up against the wall, gasping for air. He sunk to the floor, unable to support himself on legs that had turned to jelly. He couldn't begin to process what had just happened. He couldn't breathe, his heart was ready to jump out of his chest, the world was spinning like a whirlwind.... 'Not again!" he thought as the panic overtook him, adrenalin coursing through his veins.

*****

"Mate, you're gonna be ok" said Kyle, "You'll be okay, just breathe". They were both on the floor of the bathroom in Angelo's. Kyle was sitting behind him, supporting Josh's back against his chest, cradling him. This was worse than the last time, thought Josh, it was the worst  attack he'd had so far. His heart was beating so fast he could feel it in his neck. There was a horrible sensation of building pressure, mounting in his chest, and he thought the blood vessels in his neck might burst. The more he worried about it, the faster his heart beat. How was he going to get this under control, he wondered. He didn't think he could take much more of this!

Kyle had his hand on Josh's chest and was shocked at the speed his heart was beating. He felt well and truly out of his depth. He was doing his best to talk him through it, trying to get him to slow his breathing, the same way he'd seen Nate do it before. He didn't seem to be having the same success though, so he was desperately hoping that Nate would make it there soon. He'd sent Matt to go call him but there wasn't any sign of him yet.  As he looked at Josh, propped up in his arms, his chest heaving as he struggled for each breath, Kyle wondered how they were ever going to get Josh's anxiety problems under control. It just seemed to be getting out of hand, happening when they least expected it. He couldn't understand how he'd gone from mucking about with his mates out in the restaurant, to a full on panic attack on the floor of the toilets. He looked at Josh's face, so pale and frightened, and soaked in sweat, and wondered if he'd just been putting on an act. Had he been pretending all this time, trying to convince everyone he was coping, while secretly falling apart on the inside? He wondered what was really going on in that head of his, behind those unseeing eyes...  

Josh knew that there was a crowd around him, which made him feel even more anxious. He didn't want people seeing him like this.  He knew Evie was holding his hand, crouched beside him on the floor. Part of him was glad she was there but the other part felt the sting of humiliation. He didn't want her to see him like this, not again. How long before she got tired of this, and left him? What would he do then?!

He wondered if his attacker was there too, standing among his friends, watching him fall apart like this? Enjoying his pain and suffering? He imagined them standing over him, watching as he struggled to breathe. It was just like his dream. A dark and faceless figure, hovering over him, willing him to die. 

He could still feel the way that rough hand held his face so tightly, suffocating him, bruising his face  He could remember the cold edge of the knife against his throat. But there were other things... the smell of garlic bread on their fingers when they pulled away, Red Bull on their breath, a watch on their wrist that dug into his collar bone. He wondered who they were and why they would do this to him? Why would anyone do this?!

*****

"So you don't know who they were?" asked Kat, clearly dubious about this whole thing. "And they didn't say anything?"

"I've told you" snapped Josh, "They didn't say anything... and I obviously didn't see what they looked like..."

"And they didn't steal anything? Your phone? Your wallet?" continued Kat, unfazed by Josh's attitude. 

"No, nothing.... It was like... it was like they just wanted to scare me" said Josh, thinking about their breath on his face. The thought of it made him feel nauseous. "I told you this already!"

Kat thought there had to be more to this, it was just too strange that they hadn't stolen anything. A terrible thought crossed her mind. Her voice faltering a little, she said "And.... I know this might be difficult Josh... but... they didn't.... touch you?"

"No! It wasn't like that!" said Josh, picking up on what she was inferring. It made him feel sick to his stomach. Nothing like that had happened, but he couldn't help wondering if there hadn't been some element of that. They'd been standing so close to him, their body against his, breathing on him... Maybe that was what they'd intended? Maybe they just didnt get the chance? Josh shuddered at the thought. This whole thing had him really shaken up.

Kat let out a sigh of relief. "Em, okay, well it's not much to go on Josh. I'm sorry. We'll see if there's any CCTV we can use. See if we can spot anyone." said Kat. She patted his shoulder as she got up to leave, "You look after yourself, Josh." said Kat, in a slightly patronising tone.

He heard the door close and he was on his own again in his bedroom. He should have felt safe, back in his own house, but he was listening, jumping at any little noise. What if they came back for him, appearing out of nowhere again? How was he supposed to defend himself? He pulled his feet up on the bed and hugged his knees, burying his face. 

He could hear Andy, Evie, and Kyle, all outside in the livingroom talking in hushed voices. They were obviously talking about him, and hoping he wouldn't overhear. He thought about earlier when he'd tried to explain to them what had happened. There was something in the tone of their voices... They didn't say it, but he was sure they didn't believe him. He couldn't understand how no one had seen his attacker leave? How could someone just walk in and out of Angelo's without anyone seeing? Kyle said he hadn't seen anyone suspicious coming or going. Something in the way Kyle spoke to him afterwards made him feel that he didn't believe him, that he thought he was losing it. Even Andy and Evie had sounded strange, talking to him in these soothing voices, like they were just humouring him. He wondered why they didn't believe him. Did they really think he was going crazy? On some level, he worried that they might be right.

He thought about it again. It had all been too real for him to have imagined it. He knew what he had felt, what he had smelled, the sound of this person breathing on him. He could feel their hand on his face, the feel of their body pressed against his in such a menacing way, crushing him, the sickly heat of their breath on his skin. He knew it had happened and no one was going to convince him otherwise.

But what was he going to do now, he wondered. How does a blind man defend himself? How do you protect yourself if you can't see what's coming? 

[Ludub]

Thanks again for the lovely comments. Hope you enjoy this chapter.

CHAPTER 15

"C'mon, Josh! Let's go to the diner... pleeeease?!" said Evie. Since the incident at Angelo's she'd barely been able to get Josh to leave the house. She was getting really worried about him, it was like they'd taken a massive step backwards. He'd been doing so well over the last month, it was sad to see him hiding away in the house again.

"I'm not hungry" said Josh, lying. He hadn't been eating much the last couple of days. His stomach was a ball of nerves and every little noise was making him jump. He kept having flashbacks. The memories were so vivid sometimes it was like he was back there. Sometimes they got muddled up with memories of the hospital. Both experiences had made him feel utterly powerless. Both had left him feeling small, and scared, and vulnerable. Sometimes he imagined himself crushed against the cold tiles of the bathroom in Angelo's, only for it to change to a hospital bed with people roughly manhandling him while they washed him. The rough hand that held his face so tightly, stopping him breathing, would suddenly be wearing latex gloves, adjusting his breathing cannula. Garlic bread mingled with smells of antiseptic. He was just so confused. He wondered if he really was losing it.

"Josh, you've hardly eaten in days!" said Evie. She sat down beside him on the couch and took his hand. "I'll be with you the whole time. Please, Josh, I just want to get outside... to do something normal again."

"Besides, I'm hungry too and there's nothing in this house to eat!" continued Evie. "Please, Josh, come to the diner with me?"

He thought about the last few days. He knew he had to pull himself together or he would lose Evie. All the crying, the temper tantrums, the panic attacks...He knew that Evie would get tired of it all sooner or later, he couldn't blame her for that.  But he needed her,  he couldn't imagine living this life without her. He knew it wasn't doing him any good, staying inside, hiding away from everything. He couldn't let this fear, this anxiety, destroy his life. He would have to put on a brave face, yet again, and go back out there "Okay, but just to the diner" said Josh, with a sigh. He hoped he could hold it together. 

******

It was late when Josh and Evie got back to the house. Andy was relieved to see that Josh looked a little more relaxed than he had for the last few days. They were even laughing about something as they walked through the door. It was a pity this good mood wasn't going to last for long, thought Andy.

Andy and Kyle had been sitting in the livingroom with Kat, waiting for Josh to come home.  They all looked a little shame faced.

"Mate, Kat's here to see you." said Andy, "She has news".

Evie helped Josh to make his way over to the couch and take a seat. The nerves in his stomach were getting the better of him again. "What news?" he said, not sure that he wanted the answer.

"Well, Josh.... We found some CCTV footage of someone sneaking into Angelo's through the back door around the time you say you were attacked. He leaves again a few minutes later. He was very careful to avoid the cameras, we never see his face... So it's going to be very difficult to identify him, unfortunately." said Kat. She felt guilty that she hadn't believed him, but Andy and Kyle had made her think this was all in Josh's head. She was angry with herself for her own lack of professionalism.

Josh was angry now. He had known he was right, that it had happened... but they'd all be so keen to make him think it wasn't real, he'd actually started to doubt himself. There's nothing more frightening than thinking you're going crazy. What do you do if you can't trust your own mind?

"So, basically, there's nothing you can do?!....That is what you're saying isn't it?!....There's some psycho walking around who thinks it's funny to attack blind people and you're going to do nothing about it?" His voice was raised and he could feel his face hot and red. "You were all so quick to label me crazy, all of you! Do you know how that made me feel?!" He was shaking now, his fists clenched.

"I'm sorry, Josh" said Kat, "There just isn't much to go on. He looks like he's probably young... wearing a black hoodie, and blue jeans. That could be anyone." She did feel bad for her attitude the last time she spoke to him though so she said "I'm sorry if you thought we doubted you, Josh".

"You all did!" said Josh. He yanked his hand away angrily when Evie tried to take it. He was still hurt that they'd all doubted him like that, He was especially hurt that even Evie didn't believe him.

"Mate, we're all sorry" said Andy. "It just seemed so weird that they wouldn't take anything... and with all the panic attacks you've been having..." . He was feeling very guilty, but more than anything he wanted to find this guy and throttle him to death. "I just thought maybe it had all got too much for you..."

Kyle moved over to him and knelt down. He put his hand on Josh's shoulder, making him flinch. Josh had been jumping at everything the last few days. "Mate, I am so sorry" said Kyle. He felt terrible for doubting him. He couldnt get Josh's face out of his head, the absolute terror on his face when he'd found him on the floor of the bathroom. He thought how much worse it must have made things for him that his family and friends hadn't believed him. He was ashamed of himself. "We'll find the guy" said Kyle, giving Josh's shoulder a squeeze.

"And how are you gonna do that if you don't even know who he is?" said Josh, sounding defeated. He slumped back on the sofa and covered his face with his hand.

"We'll find him, Josh... and we'll make him pay". said Kyle,  wondering how on earth he was going to keep this promise.

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that, Mr Braxton" said Kat, raising an eyebrow at him, as she stood up to leave. On some level she hoped they did find him before she did. She thought the guy deserved everything he got, how could someone do that to a blind kid?!

Josh shook his head dismissively. He knew there wasn't much chance of Kyle and Andy finding his attacker. He might as well ask them to track down the faceless figure in his dreams.

Josh sat there in the livingroom thinking about what had happened. The others were arguing about something but he couldn't follow the conversation. He couldn't stop thinking about what had happened at Angelo's.  He was feeling very conflicted. He wasn't sure if he should be happy that he wasn't going mad or even more frightened now that he knew this guy really was out there. He was out there, lurking in the darkness, waiting for him.  He thought about that dream he'd had. Somewhere along the way, that dark figure standing above him, trying to drown him, had transformed. He wasn't Tank anymore. He was the creep who'd attacked him in the bathroom. Was the world full of faceless threats? How could he ever feel safe again?

*****

Josh had been trying to get his life back on track since the incident at Angelo's so he'd decided to give the group meeting another go. In truth, he'd welcomed the chance to get out of the bay for the day. He'd been going out again with Evie, doing his best to get on with things, but he was always looking over his shoulder, scared of every little noise, jumping a mile high when anyone touched him. He'd breathed a sigh of relief as soon as they'd left the Bay. Being in the city made him  feel a little more relaxed, surely they wouldn't follow him all the way there?

He'd spoken for about 20 minutes, his first time speaking to the group, and he was relieved that it had gone relatively well. He had been surprised to find himself telling the group about the attack at Angelo's.  It was a really strange thing, opening yourself up like that to people you don't even know. Not being able to see them made it even stranger. In some ways it was liberating. He tried to pretend he was just talking to himself, out loud in an empty room. He'd managed to get through it without crying or having a panic attack so he felt it had gone pretty well. He had to admit it, it had made him feel a little better to get things off his chest. 

Tamara had approached him afterwards while he was speaking to two of the other guys from the group.

"Can I get a ride back to Summer Bay with you?" asked Tamara.

"You want to come to Summer Bay?!" asked Josh, surprised. "How long for?"

"Well, that depends really. I want to catch up with Kyle. I feel bad I never kept in touch" said Tamara.  "Especially with everything he's been through".

There was something in her voice that told Josh there was more to this. She just seemed a little shaken.  "Are you okay?" asked Josh.

There was a long pause and then he realised that she was crying. He heard her sniffling and reached out to give her a hug. "I had a fight with my parents. I just need to get out of here for a few days", said Tamara, her voice shaking. "They knew, and they didn't tell me! They knew about Casey! How could they do that to me?!"

 "Please, can I come back with you?" she asked, sniffling.

"Uh, yeah, I don't think that'll be a problem." said Josh, wondering how Kyle would react when they got back. He wanted to be able to offer her the couch but he didn't know if Kyle would be okay with that. He also wondered how things would go if she ran into Oscar.

When Andy and Evie came to get him they were surprised to see Tamara waiting with him, bag in hand, ready to go. She had bandages on her eyes from the most recent surgery. Josh was embarrassed that he'd been so wrapped up in his own issues, he hadn't even thought to ask her how it had gone. 

"When will you know if it's worked?" asked Josh, sitting beside Tamara in the back seat. 

Andy and Evie exchanged glances in the front of the car. They weren't sure whether this was a good idea or not, taking Tamara back with them.

"Um, I can take the bandages off in about a week" said Tamara, biting her lip. "I'm not gonna hold my breath though!"

Andy looked at Josh and Tamara in the rearview mirror. He hoped that Josh having another blind person around might help, but he was worried how Josh would feel if Tamara got her sight back next week. This was all getting very complicated. Evie raised an eyebrow at him, sharing his concerns.  

"Can we please go to Angelo's?!" said Tamara, clapping her hands excitedly, "I've missed the Four Seasons pizza there so much!". She was feeling excited about going back, and hoping that Kyle would be pleased to see her. 

Josh turned his face away as though he was looking out the window. He knew Andy and Evie would be watching him carefully to see if he was going to freak out. He didn't want them to see his face. The thought of going to Angelo's frightened him more than he wanted to admit. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to eat there again, just the smell of garlic bread was enough to turn his stomach and send his heart racing. He was angry with himself for letting this get such a hold on him.  He wondered why he was so scared. He tried to reason with himself that the guy in Angelo's hadn't actually hurt him, that it had only been for a few moments, that it wasn't worth making such a big fuss over... but he couldn't get past it. The person that attacked him that day had held all the power. He was blind and they had a knife. They could have done anything they'd wanted to and he would have been powerless to stop them. He couldn't get past the thought that it could happen again. How do you defend yourself if you can't see?

Tamara, picking up on the tension in the car, suddenly realised her mistake. She put her hand on Josh's knee, making him flinch. "Oh my God, sorry Josh, I wasn't thinking!" said Tamara.

"It's okay" said Josh, with a heavy sigh, "I'm going to have to face that place sooner or later".  
 

[Ludub]

Once again, thank you Kristen, ~JarlieFanEver~, and KittCatt for all your kind comments. They mean a lot to me 

Chapter 16

"Oh my God, Tamara!" said Kyle throwing his arms around her with a huge smile on his face. He'd been serving a table of men in suits, taking their orders, when he saw Evie and Josh come in. He was shocked when he turned to see Andy leading Tamara in through the door behind them. She had a bandage across her eyes which she'd covered with a pair of dark sunglasses but he felt his heart swell when he looked at her. He hadn't really thought about her much in recent times, life and all its complications taking over, but he'd always cared about her. Tamara had always brought out his caring, protective nature, his need to look after the people he loved. As he looked at her now, so small, so vulnerable with her bandaged eyes, he wanted to put his arms around her and keep her safe. "It's so good to see you", he said, picking her up off the floor in a bear hug.

"Oi!!! Kyle, put me down!" laughed Tamara as he swung her around with her feet dangling. He'd always done that, and it was one of the things she'd loved about him when they were dating. He always did give the best hugs, making her feel safe and protected in his arms.

Kyle was clearly delighted to see her. She hadn't been so sure he'd want to. She hadn't kept in touch with him after she left the bay, which she felt bad about. It wasn't that she was angry with him or that he'd done anything wrong. It was just that she had found it so hard to let go of her life here in Summer Bay. She didn't know why Casey had been the exception, why she'd made the effort to stay in contact with him. She'd just been through so much with him, she thought, that she couldn't completely let go. She felt guilty that it hadn't been that way with Kyle.

He led them to a table across the room and set menus down in front of Andy and Evie. He looked at Tamara and said "Four Seasons? Right? I'm right aren't I?" with a big dopey smile on his face.

"I can't believe you remembered that!" said Tamara, giggling. 

"I remember you were never good at making up your mind. A pizza with 4 different toppings sounds about right!" laughed Kyle.

He looked at Josh, about to ask what he wanted, when he noticed how pale he'd gone. He had his eyes closed and was breathing in and out in a slow and measured way. He seemed to be talking to himself under his breath, his lips moving. Evie was holding his hand, watching him, and looking very worried. She looked up at Kyle, shaking her head, silently warning him to leave Josh alone. He'd seen Josh do this a few times now. It was some breathing exercise his counsellor had given him to try to get his anxiety under control when it was all getting on top of him. Kyle hoped it was going to work, he didn't think he could cope with another one of Josh's panic attacks.

Kyle took their order. He didn't ask Josh what he wanted in the end. Josh always ordered the same thing, and, Kyle didn't think he seemed that bothered about the food, not today anyway. He patted Tamara on the top of the head, chuckling a little when she stuck her tongue out at him, and then he headed off to the kitchen to place the order.

"Josh, we're all here with you.", whispered Evie, stroking Josh's arm. "Nothing bad is going to happen".

He nodded slowly and opened his eyes. "Sorry for being such a weirdo" said Josh, looking embarrassed. He breathed out slowly and ran his fingers through his hair. "This is just a lot harder than I thought it would be". He squeezed Evie's hand and gave her a very unconvincing smile.

The food arrived and Kyle squeezed into the booth beside Tamara. They quickly fell into conversation, equally surprised at how easily they picked up from where they had left off. Kyle thought how easy she was to talk to and how much he'd missed that little laugh of hers. It felt strange not being able to see her eyes, she'd always had such beautiful, expressive eyes. He looked across at Josh who was talking to Evie and Andy. Kyle still wasn't used to the lack of eye contact when he talked to Josh, he found it a little unnerving. For some reason it didn't bother him as much with Tamara, she had a way of speaking that communicated so much more than just the words. 

They talked about anything and everything, surprised that they felt so at ease in each other's company. They talked about her life at home with her parents and how she was adjusting slowly to life as a blind person. They talked about her surgeries and she told him in great detail about the most recent one, enjoying how squeamish he always got when people talked about blood and guts. She'd always found that funny. They talked about Casey, and about Brax, he even told her about his kidney transplant. It was like they'd forgotten there were other people at the table.

He watched as she ate her pizza, talking with her mouth full. He knew that was supposed to be unattractive but it was something he'd always loved about Tamara. There was something so refreshingly real about her, a lack of airs and graces, she was never afraid to be herself. He couldn't help smiling. He thought he probably looked like a maniac, smiling at her this way, but he couldn't help it. At least she couldn't see him, he thought.

He glanced across at Andy and Evie, slightly embarrassed, to see whether they'd noticed how much of a lovesick puppy he was being. He quickly realised things weren't so good on the other side of the table. Andy and Evie were quietly talking, to one side, and Josh was leaning on the table with his head in his hands.

He caught Andy's eye and pointed at Josh, silently mouthing the words "Is he ok?".

Andy shook his head and frowned. Evie looked at Josh, and then at Kyle, as she continued to talk, keeping up the pretense that no one had noticed. She looked worried.

Kyle looked at the dishes around the table. Josh's pizza was the only one that was completely untouched. 

Evie leant over to Josh and tried to take his hand from his face but he jumped a mile high. "Evie, don't do that!" he shouted at her. He'd clearly been startled and put his hand on his chest as he leant back against the leather seat of the booth. He breathed an exasperated sigh and said "Sorry... Sorry...", with a pained expression on his face, shaking his head at himself angrily. 

"Are you okay, mate?" said Andy, sounding concerned.

"Andy, seriously, can you please stop asking me that?!" snapped Josh. "I don't know what to tell you"

He started to get to his feet, frantically struggling with his cane, as he tried to unfold it. " I just need some space. I feel like I'm suffocating!"

He set off across the room with his cane, too upset to concentrate on what he was doing. He banged into a table almost immediately, upsetting the empty glasses and sending them crashing to the ground. There was glass everwhere. He tried to get around the next table but there was a chair in his way. He caught the edge of it with his hip and ended up half dragging it with him as he went. He could hear people talking about him, interrupting their own conversations to watch the blind kid fall over everything and make a show of himself. He just wanted to get out, away from this place, away from everyone...

Evie caught up with him and put her hand on his arm. "Josh, wait! Josh, I'll help you get outside" He tried to pull his arm away but she wouldn't let him. "I'll take you wherever you want, Josh... and then I'll leave you in peace... if that's what you want".

He sighed in defeat and hung his head, feeling the sting of tears in his eyes. He took her arm and let her start to lead him out. "I just need to get out of here" he said sadly. His anger was dissipating and slowly being replaced with despair. He just wanted somewhere he could cry in peace, away from prying eyes.

*****

"He's okay" said Evie returning to the table, running her hand through her hair. "He just wants some space for a few minutes. He's sitting on one of the benches outside"

Kyle was helping one of the waitresses clean up the broken glass and all the other diners had gone back to their conversations. 

"You sure he's okay out there on his own?" asked Andy, looking tired and worried. "What if he's having another attack?" he said, staring at the doorway and wondering what state Josh would be in when they eventually went looking for him.

"He says he's okay." said Evie, shaking her head and starting to cry. "I just hate to see him like this....I don't know how to help him." she sobbed.

Andy put his hand on her shoulder and said "He'll be alright, Evie. We'll get him through this". He wasn't sure he believed what he was saying but he hoped they could. She looked up at him, her eyes full of tears, and leaned in to rest her head on his shoulder. They both looked tired.

Tamara was feeling uncomfortable all of a sudden, like a spare wheel. Kyle had gone to sort out problems in the kitchen and to dump the broken glass and she realised she really didn't know Andy and Evie very well. They'd obviously grown quite close in recent times and she felt like she was intruding on a private moment. 

She worried about Josh. She had listened to him talk about the attack at the group session. From the way his voice had been shaking she knew it had been pretty traumatic but he had never hinted at how much of an impact it was having on him.  Andy had told her about Josh's panic attacks while Evie was outside. She hadn't realised how bad things were for him. She thought back to her first few months in total darkness... the fear had been overwhelming. She couldn't imagine how he could cope with being assaulted on top of everything else. She decided to go after Josh and lend him a sympathetic ear.

*****

"This seat taken?" asked Tamara, pretty sure she'd found the right bench but hoping it was still Josh sitting there.

"Oh um, yeah... I mean, no..." sighed Josh, rubbing his face with his hand. He didn't really want company but he didn't feel he knew Tamara well enough to tell her to go away.

He'd been sitting there trying to remember what the view from this bench looked like. The details had already faded, more like a clumsy watercolour painting than a photo. He was sad that the harder he tried to remember, the more it all seemed to slip away from him, like trying to remember the details of a face out of context. He felt the world of light and colour was slowly being consumed by a never ending darkness, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

"What do you want?" asked Josh, trying to find the right mix between 'I don't want to talk to you' and 'I don't mean to offend you, but I don't want to talk to you'.  

"Nothing... Just to sit here, if you like" said Tamara, giving a sigh and leaning back on the bench.  "I just want to keep you company..."  She had a store of images in her mind of beach scenes and pretty views, all memories of Summer Bay that she carried with her like a stack of postcards. She breathed in the sea air and smiled to herself. It felt good to be back here.

They sat in silence for a minute or two listening to the sounds of the 
seaside.

"Y'know, it does get easier" she said. She was surprised sometimes at how much more at peace she was with things now. It had taken her a while to get here,  she thought, but she'd finally accepted this new life. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't that bad. 

Josh had tensed his jaw and breathed out loudly. He was shaking his head in anger. "So even you think you can tell me how to feel now?!" he snarled.

She smiled to herself. She recognised so much of herself in Josh, the person she'd been a year and a half ago, so full of hurt and anger. 

"I hated it when people would tell me that. I'd be furious! I'd want to shout at them 'How?! How does this get easier?! What the hell would you know about it anyway?!'. I was so angry. Angry at Oscar for running me over... and for leaving me there like roadkill...Angry at Zac for covering it up. Angry at God for letting this happen. Angry at the doctors for not being able to fix it... "said Tamara, shaking her head with a sad smile on her face. "Above all else, I was really really angry, and I mean so angry I could burst, at all the people who could still see..." She laughed, a little nervously, at how silly that seemed now.

She didn't know how Josh was taking this little speech of hers. He wasn't saying anything but she could hear him breathing beside her. Sometimes that was hard, not being able to 'read' people when you talked to them.

She took a big breath and continued. "I didn't think I'd ever get over it. I didn't think I'd ever be able to do anything again. I just felt so lost and alone.  I couldn't relate to the people around me anymore.... Everything was about me, and how I felt..." Her voice was shaking now and she could feel hot tears soaking into her bandages. "I haven't told anyone this but I thought about killing myself, Josh... I did... I'd even made a plan".

Josh had been silently stewing. He knew where this was headed. It was all about redemption. She wanted to give him hope, to tell him that if he just held on, if he just weathered the storm, everything would be fine.  It was hard to focus on the rainbow at the end of the storm when a hurricane was ripping your house apart, he thought.

"Why are you telling me this?" asked Josh, his voice hard and cold.

"Because I never had anyone to talk to when I was going through it. You might not believe it right now.... but it will get better" said Tamara reaching out to pat his knee.

The sudden invasion of space made him jump. "Don't do that!" he said, sounding more pained than angry. He couldn't stand how jumpy he was now. He knew Tamara was trying to be nice, and in many ways he really needed a hug, but he was wound up so tight like a spring he couldn't stand the physical contact.

He sighed and slumped back on the bench, a tear rolling down his cheek. He took her hand off his knee and held on to it, giving it a squeeze. "Can you please just stop talking?... Can we just sit here?... Please, Tamara?..." 

She smiled to herself and leant back on the bench, still holding his hand. Images of Summer Bay floated through her mind. Maybe this is why she'd come here, maybe Josh needed her help?

Evie and Andy walked outside to see where Josh and Tamara had got to. They made for an interesting sight, sitting there side by side staring out to sea, Tamara with her bandages and Josh with his cane, unfolded across his lap. That bench had a beautiful view out across the Bay, thought Evie, it was sad that neither of them could see it. She was surprised to see Tamara holding Josh's hand, comforting him when she hadn't been able to. He'd pushed her away when she'd tried, sending her back inside. She couldn't help feeling hurt, she was the one he was supposed to reach out to, not Tamara! She caught herself glaring at Tamara and felt ashamed when she realised she felt jealous. She tried to tell herself she was being silly, that she should be grateful that Tamara was able to get through to him,  but she couldn't shake the fear that Josh would slowly drift away from her. Who could understand and support him better than someone who'd been through the same thing?

[Ludub]

 

Thanks to Kristen, Suzza101, KittCatt, and ~JarlieFanEver~ for your comments. It's always so nice to get feedback  Hope you enjoy this chapter.

 

CHAPTER 17

Tank stood in the darkness, hovering over them, watching as they slept. There was a full moon outside, and the curtains covering the window weren't completely closed, so the moonlight cast a blue light over their faces. He could see the outline of Evie's body under the covers, curled up with her knees pulled up to her chest in a sort of foetal position. She had Josh's hand in hers, their fingers interlaced, and she was holding his arm around her as she slept with her back to him. Tank remembered sleeping like that, spooning in exactly that position. He had never liked the body heat, or the prolonged closeness, it made him feel claustrophobic and he'd always ended up with a dead arm. He watched as they slept so peacefully, chests rising and falling, breathing slow and steady, as they slumbered. He wondered what it would feel like to put a pillow over their sleeping faces and hold it down as they struggled to breathe...

This wasn't the first time he'd come here, he'd been watching them for some time. He was amazed at the people in this town, they all left their doors unlocked for anyone to just walk on in. He was nervous the first time he did it, he had been sure he would get caught. The possibility of getting caught had been part of the thrill, if he was honest, but everyone seemed to sleep pretty heavily in this house. He could come and go as he pleased. He'd just snuck on in and even managed to get Josh's bedroom door open without waking anyone. 

He watched the two of them, lying there sleeping, so comfortable in each others arms, and he wondered what that felt like. He didn't know what it was like to care about someone else, to love them, to want to keep them safe. He knew he was supposed to feel all those things, and he usually did a good job of pretending... but mostly he felt numb. 

He'd convinced Evie that he cared about her, that he loved her...but he'd been playing with her, seeing how far he could push her, how much she was willing to give up. She'd been so easy to manipulate, so easy to force into doing things that scared her. He'd turned her against her family, against her friends, taken everything she cared about away from her... and she'd loved him for it! It had been so easy!

He knew he wasn't like other people, he didn't feel the things they did. He wasn't 'normal'. Making other people suffer was the only thing that made him feel anything. It was the only thing that really made him feel alive. He looked at the two of them, lying there, so innocent, so unaware of what was in store, and he couldn't help but smile. They would find out soon enough...

*****

Evie stared at Josh across the breakfast table. The sun was shining in through the kitchen window and a bright shaft of light was illuminating Josh's face. The light was so bright that, if he hadn't been blind, he wouldn't have been able to keep his eyes open. He was talking about going to see Mark, his mouth half full of toast. She looked at him, as his brown eyes took on a greenish tone in the bright sunlight, and she thought he'd never looked more beautiful. She was in love with Josh, and sometimes that realisation hit her so hard, it was difficult to concentrate on anything else. Josh's brush with death had made everything so clear for her. Any doubts she had had before had been wiped away, and all she had been left with was this overwhelming need to be with him. That was why him pushing her away like that, blaming her, had hurt so much. When he'd eventually forgiven her, that was it for her.  She knew he was the only person she wanted to be with, the only guy she could imagine growing old with... She just hoped he knew how important he was to her.

They'd had a fight last night when they got home. It had been the first proper fight they'd had since his injury. Evie had allowed her jealousy to get the better of her. She was tired and emotional and just couldn't hold it all in any longer. She told him she was angry that he'd allowed Tamara to help him, when he'd pushed her away. She accused him of having feelings for Tamara, of having some special bond with her because they were both blind...  Josh had pretended to be offended, angry at the suggestion, but he was secretly pleased that she was jealous. He'd been worried that Evie would lose interest in him, growing tired of all his drama, his insecurities and constant neediness... But if she cared enough to be jealous of Tamara, he thought, then maybe she didn't think he was such a lost cause after all. It was strange logic but it made him feel so much better. 

He was also relieved that she had shouted at him.  This was a return to something approaching normality. He hated the way people spoke to him now, everyone walking on eggshells, and being careful not to upset him. He wanted her to shout at him when she thought he was in the wrong. He wanted her to get angry, to be jealous, to tell him off... He wanted her to treat him like a normal guy, to treat him like her boyfriend, not like something fragile she was afraid was going to break. 

They had started out fighting, but before long they were tearing each other's clothes off and stumbling towards Josh's room. They'd had sex for the first time since the attack at Angelo's, frenzied, passionate, make-up sex. They'd fallen asleep in each other's arms feeling closer than they had in a long time. 

At breakfast, she couldn't stop thinking about last night and hadn't been able to wipe the smile off her face. She got up and moved to his side of the table, making sure to make noise as she went. She sat down in his lap and stole the piece of toast out of his hand. "Josh Barrett" she said, "Have I told you today how much I love you?" She  took a bite of the toast and then leaned in, giggling, to give him a kiss with a mouth full of bread. 

"I love you too", he said, laughing as she pressed a buttery mouth against his.

*****

"I'm not sure about this, Evie" said Josh, feeling his heart rate rising and his chest tighten. He wasn't sure he was ready for this at all. Why did he keep letting her talk him into things, he wondered.

She turned to face him and put her arms around his waist. "Its okay, Josh, I'm here... I'm here with you... and I'm not going to let go" she said, trying to soothe his fears. She could see how frightened he was. They were standing thigh deep in the water with small waves lapping in around them. He'd allowed her to lead him out there, holding tightly onto her arm. She tried to understand how difficult this must be for him, how exposed and disoriented he must feel. She closed her eyes and tried to feel what he was feeling, the sand shifting under her feet, the motion of the water smashing against her legs, the sense of endless open space... But it was no good. No matter how hard she tried, she couldnt put herself in his place, because she could still open her eyes and see.

"The dream I had... it happened here." he said, his voice shaking a little. "Are there other people here?" he asked. He couldn't hear anyone close by but somewhere in the back of his mind he was afraid that 'he' was somewhere nearby, watching him.

"There's no one else, Josh" she said, looking around. "There's a couple of guys with surfboards up the beach a bit... and there's a mum with her two little boys...  but no one nearby."

He let out a big sigh and rubbed his face in his hands. "Okay, come on, take me in a bit further" he said. He was sad at how difficult this was. He used to love swimming. More than swimming, he loved messing about with Evie in the water, splashing about, being silly... this was so forced, so serious... It was like learning to swim again, like being a small child. He was frightened.

They moved slowly away from the beach until he was about mid-chest deep but the feeling of panic was rising in his chest. He got knocked off his feet by a wave and spun around. He spluttered as the water shot up his nose and he started to choke. He'd let go of Evie's hand when the wave hit, and when he finally found his feet he didn't know which way the shore was. "Evie!", he yelled as he began to panic. 

"I'm here! I'm here, Josh!" said Evie, reaching round his waist from behind him. He turned to face her, visibly shaking.

"I want to go back", he spluttered. "This isn't working. I can't do this!".

"Josh, just swim!" she said. "You know you can swim!... Nothing bad is going to happen."

"I can't" he said, looking miserable.

"Yes, you can, Josh" she said firmly. She reached up to him, putting her hand on the back of his neck to bring him down to her level so she could kiss him. "Just lift your feet... and swim, Josh" she whispered,  "I know it's scary but you can do it".

He ran his fingers through his hair, closed his eyes, and puffed out a breath of air. "If I drown, I'm blaming you!" he laughed nervously. He let go of Evie's hand, lifted his feet off the ground and launched himself into the water.

*****

Josh threw himself on the couch, leaning back, with his head on the cushion. He was amazed at how tired he was. He felt heavy and sleepy and more relaxed than he had in a long time. Evie squeezed onto the sofa beside him, putting her head on his chest, and took his hand in hers. "I'm so proud of you" she said, smiling a sleepy smile. He was already half asleep but he said "I know" and kissed the top of her head.

*****

Josh woke up to a room full of smoke, startled by the noise of a fire alarm. He was choking and spluttering, and it took a moment for him to grasp what was happening. He scrambled to his feet trying to figure out where the smoke was coming from. He tried to shout for Andy and Kyle but couldn't stop coughing. He got down on his hands and knees and tried to crawl towards the door, terrified that he might be crawling towards the fire.

"Josh!!! Oh my god, Josh!" shouted Evie as she ran in the door. She grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet, putting her arm around him. She dragged him out of the house to the garden at the front.

"Evie! Is everyone out?!" shouted Nate, from the porch. He'd heard the commotion and opened the door of Ricky's flat to a mouthful of smoke.

"I think so, it was just Josh!"  shouted Evie, as Nate ran into the house with the fire extinguisher from Ricky's.  

"Josh, what happened?!" asked Evie.

"I don't know" he coughed, "I just woke up... the place was filled with smoke"

Nate came back outside, his clothes stained black from the smoke, carrying the empty fire extinguisher. He was coughing and wiping his eyes. He dropped to his knees, beside Josh on the grass, to check how he was. "Let me have a look at you, Josh" he said. As he examined him, he asked "How did the fire get started? Were you trying to cook?".

"No" said Josh, sounding confused and furrowing his brows. "I was sleeping... and then there was all this smoke..." he said coughing loudly.

"Well, someone was cooking." said Nate, looking concerned. "Evie, did you leave something cooking when you went out?"

"No, I left Josh on the couch to go get some stuff from my house. We were gonna get some pizza later." said Evie. She was looking at Josh now with a worried expression. Could he be lying about trying to cook, was he lying out of embarrassment?

"Well, it wasn't me! I wasn't cooking anything... I was asleep!". said Josh, sensing the suspicion being directed towards him. "I haven't tried to cook since that day I burnt my hand."

"Well, someone was definitely cooking, Josh." said Nate, a little impatiently. "That's where the fire started. The kitchen's pretty badly damaged". He glanced at Evie, thinking that Josh was either lying, or genuinely unable to remember. The thought that Josh might be experiencing memory loss, and all the implications of that, drifted across his doctor's mind. This could be serious, he thought, he would have to keep a much closer eye on him from now on.

*****

Josh slumped on the couch supporting his head in his hand. He was trying his best not to lose his temper. He could feel the anger building as he listened to the whispers between Andy and Evie. They didn't believe that it wasn't him. How could they do this to him again? How could they be so quick to doubt him after the last time?! He'd heard Nate whispering to Andy about possible diagnoses. He'd heard terms like 'altered mental state', 'memory loss', and 'absence seizures'. He felt resentful that they were doing it again, treating him like someone who wasn't mentally competent. Andy was taking on the role of carer once more, privy to information that he, the patient, wasn't.

Evie had been sickeningly sweet, fawning all over him, which just made him even more angry. He was trying not to snap at her.  Tamara had made herself scarce, given the tension in the house, saying she'd stay at Leah's house tonight to give them all some space. Andy and Kyle had spent the last hour trying to sort out the kitchen but kept wandering back into the livingroom every few minutes to ask him if he was sure he didn't remember. He'd had to bite his tongue so many times, trying to keep his anger in check. He was sick of answering that question. Why would they not believe him? He had no idea what had happened!

He tried to imagine himself getting up from the couch after Evie left, getting a saucepan to cook something... he tried to imagine that thought process, the physical feel of the pot in his hand... but he couldn't. He knew he hadn't done it. He'd been asleep on that couch, dead to the world. He'd never been so sure of anything. Someone else had to have done it. He couldn't shake the horrible feeling that this had been 'him'. That dark figure from his dreams, the creep in the bathroom, that faceless threat. Had 'he' snuck into the house and set that fire?....  

...Or was he actually going crazy? 
 

[Ludub]

Thanks everyone for the lovely comments. Again, much appreciated  I won't be updating again for a few days but I hope you enjoy this chapter. 

CHAPTER 18

"I just dont understand why the whole thing at Angelo's is freaking me out so much." said Josh, chewing his bottom lip. "I mean, its not like he actually hurt me..."

He'd been talking to Mark about how tough things had been since the attack at Angelo's and how he'd had a meltdown when he'd tried to go there the other day. He was angry with himself for what he saw as a failure. 

"Josh, what you did was no small thing" said Mark. "You tried to overcome your fears. You went there. You revisited the scene of the attack... that was no small thing, my friend."

"It took a lot of guts to do that, and you shouldn't be beating yourself up about how it made you feel." continued Mark. "Not only that, but you recognised the warning signs. You knew that you were on the verge of a panic attack, and you took action to avoid that. You went outside. You got some air" He paused to let Josh take in what he'd said.

"I think you should be proud of yourself" he said smiling, and patting Josh's knee .

Josh snorted, and smiled a little halfheartedly. "It doesn't feel like that when it's happening" he said, shaking his head sadly.

He decided to tell Mark about the fire. He told him how they'd come home from swimming and how he'd been feeling calm and relaxed for the first time in ages. That he'd actually fallen asleep as soon as they got home. Sleeping had been difficult since the head injury and he never fell asleep easily. This had been the first time he'd just drifted off to sleep, so peacefully.

"Then I woke up, and the whole place was filled with smoke. Someone left a drying cloth on the stove and it set the whole kitchen on fire..." he said. He was feeling more and more anxious as he spoke about it, the memory of the suffocating smoke in his lungs was still fresh in his mind. He could almost still smell it.

"Everyone thinks I did it, that I started it..." said Josh, furrowing his brow. He could feel his heart rate rising as he thought about the betrayal of it all.  That they would doubt him again, after the last time, hurt him more than he could put into words. "It wasn't me" he said to Mark, just to clarify.

"I was sleeping... I think... I think... it was the guy who attacked me in Angelo's" he said, letting out a big breath and slumping back in the chair. It was the first time he'd said it out loud. He knew it would make him sound paranoid and he was worried it would make them all think he really was going mad. "I think he's been following me... I keep getting this weird sensation that I'm being watched."

He ran his fingers through his hair and said "And, yes, I do know how crazy that sounds!".

Mark had been listening, with a worried expression, he had been thinking about this for some time. Josh was displaying many of the common symptoms.  He just hoped he would be open to the suggestion and willing to work with him on it.

Mark cleared his throat and sat forward. He often did this when he had something important to say. He had worked with a number of blind people over the years and he had found that the creaking of his chair when he leaned forward served as a marker, replacing the traditional body language used by therapists. With patients who could see, he would lean forward with his elbows on his knees and put his finger tips together almost like he was praying. He'd had to find another way of communicating with the blind. "Do you know what PTSD is, Josh?" asked Mark.

"Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?" said Josh, a little taken aback, "Like soldiers and war veterans get?!"

"That's true Josh, a lot of war veterans suffer PTSD but it's not isolated to service men... I think you may be suffering from PTSD. From what you've told me, it seems likely." said Mark.

Josh looked startled as thoughts of films like Deerhunter raced through his head. His stomach churned as he realised that Mark was basically telling him he was crazy. "You think I'm going nuts?!" he asked, worried what the answer would be.

Mark couldn't help laughing a little. "No Josh, you're not crazy!" He leaned forward in his chair again and cleared his throat. "It's just an official term for the anxiety you've been experiencing"

"Isn't PTSD when people see really awful things? Like people getting blown up or murdered in front of you?" asked Josh, failing to see how his attack in the diner could have caused something as serious as PTSD.

"Well Josh, it can be a single traumatic event, or an accumulation of traumatic experiences... the mind can only deal with so much..." said Mark.

"From what you've told me, Josh,  I'm surprised you're managing as well as you are..." said Mark reaching for his notes. 

Josh snorted a dismissive sort of laugh. He didn't think he was coping very well at all really.

Mark flicked through his notes and continued, "You're what, 19 years old?..." His eyes scanned through the scribbled notes from their previous sessions. "So far in your short life, you've been shot...by your mother! You've had two brother figures die... You found out that your father, who abandoned you, was actually murdered...  And you've just recovered from a near fatal head injury.... You're now trying to come to terms with an acquired disability... and on top of all that... on top of all that, Josh... you were assaulted!" He blew a big breath out slowly, shaking his head incredulously, as he dropped his notes back on his desk.

"I don't think it would be exaggerating to say you've been through the wars" said Mark, looking at Josh's face that had grown red as he was talking.

"I suppose, I never really thought of it like that..." said Josh, shaking his head. He was suddenly aware of how tough his life had really been. 

"At a certain point, Josh, all these traumas mount up. It's not one single event, it's the accumulation of all these events... sometimes our minds, and our bodies, can't deal with anymore...." He watched as Josh nodded slowly, in what looked to be acceptance. "What you've been feeling is your body's way of dealing with the stress that your mind can no longer cope with."

"So you think... maybe I started the fire myself?" asked Josh, beginning to doubt himself.

"I can't answer that. It's possible that you were sleepwalking, that you did it in your sleep. It's quite common in sufferers of PTSD... but it's equally possible that it was someone else." He saw the look the look of fear on Josh's face as he tried to decide which of the two prospects scared him most.

He tried to lighten the mood a little, "You know what they say... 'you're not paranoid, if they really are following you'." he said chuckling a little. He regretted saying it as soon as he saw Josh's face blanch white. Sometimes humour was a good thing, he thought, but Josh was obviously so wound up, it had been a little misjudged. He coughed, trying to recover the situation, and said,  "I think it is more likely that you were sleepwalking, Josh. You might need to ask someone to keep a closer eye on you".

 "If it is PTSD..." said Josh, feeling a little defeated. "What do we do? How do we fix it?". 

Mark looked at Josh's face , with his big, staring, empty eyes... He had such a worried expression and looked so vulnerable and scared. Mark fiddled with his pen and then pulled a prescription pad out of his drawer. "We can start you on some meds, Josh, something to help you with your anxiety" he said, starting to scrawl the name of an anti-anxiety medication. "It's not a cure, Josh. Talking is the most important thing. Not bottling things up.... You need to open up to your friends and family and let them help you.... Needing help is not a weakness, asking for help is one of the bravest things anyone can do."

*****

"PTSD?!" exclaimed Andy, looking at his little brother with a mixture of fear and pity. "Like a war veteran?!"

"That's what I thought" said Josh, shrugging. "Mark says other people get it too... That it's a build up of traumatic experiences. That sooner or later, your brain can't cope anymore..." His voice drifted off, he was embarrassed talking about this.

Evie squeezed his hand, and said "So, the medication is supposed to calm you down? Make you less anxious?"

"Yeah, I guess so" said Josh. He picked up the bottle of pills and gave them a little rattle. "So, maybe this is the new, well rounded, level headed me?"

Kyle laughed a little nervously and said "I don't think they're miracle workers, Josh" trying to lighten the tone a little. "Laid back, and chilled, would be good though".

Josh's face flushed red and he looked a little shame faced.  "Mark thinks... he thinks I maybe started the fire while I was sleepwalking". He hung his head, feeling embarrassed, wondering how they could ever trust him in the house on his own again. "He says a lot of people with PTSD sleepwalk... I really don't remember doing it... but maybe... maybe I did."

Andy sat down on the arm of the couch, and ruffled Josh's hair. He was relieved that Josh was willing to admit that it was him. "Hey, mate...It's not your fault" he said, "and hopefully these meds will make things a bit better for you". He was shocked at the diagnosis, that his brother had PTSD, but in some ways having a label, a name for it,  made him feel a little better. He was going to go research it as soon as he got some time to himself. Maybe there were things he could do to help?

"I'm so sorry" said Josh, blinking back a few tears, "I must be a nightmare to live with".

"Mate, none of this is your fault" said Kyle. He looked at Josh's face, so lost and scared, and felt a surge of brotherly affection for him. He sat on the coffee table in front of him, leaning in to put his hand on Josh's shoulder, and said, with great sincerity "We all love you".

Josh looked shocked for a second. He'd never heard Kyle say anything so soppy before and he'd said it with such sincerity. Josh's face broke into a smile and he suddenly erupted into laughter, snorting as he tried to stop. The whole thing just struck Josh as funny. He could actually visualise Kyle's face, looking at him with such love and care, so serious, and he just couldn't stop laughing. He didn't really know why. His whole body was shuddering with laughter as he tried to stop, aware he was hurting Kyle's feelings. Kyle turned a shade of crimson, the heat sneaking up his neck, as he realised he'd made a fool of himself. Andy and Evie started laughing too, the look of humiliation on Kyle's face and the growing redness as he blushed, were just too much to take. 

"Oh haha, very funny" said Kyle, embarrassed, but secretly enjoying the joke. He looked at Josh's face as he tried desperately to stifle his laughter, suddenly snorting loudly, and Kyle couldn't help but laugh himself.  Before long all four were rolling about the place with no idea what they were laughing at. Andy even imitated Kyle, pulling it together long enough to put his hand on Kyle's shoulder and gaze lovingly into his eyes. "I love you, Kyle" he said, in the most sincere voice he could muster, before collapsing again in fits of giggles.

"What's going on here?" said Tamara, standing in the doorway. She'd heard the squeals of laughter as she approached the house, something you didn't often hear in the Braxton household.

"Josh has PTSD..." huffed Andy, "but it's okay... It's okay..."  he said laughing so hard his stomach hurt, "because Kyle loves him!". They all collapsed in fits of laughter again. Evie made a really loud snort, as she tried to stop laughing, and the sound of it set everyone off even more.

"Um... okay?" said Tamara, feeling a little uncomfortable and wondering why that was so funny. She didn't understand it but as she listened to their laughter, she was happy for them. Things had been far too serious the last few days. "You know what they say, 'laughter is the best medicine'" said Tamara, sitting down in one of the armchairs.

"Not when you've got these!" said Josh, shaking his pill bottle and barely getting the words out between giggles. 

The others squealed with laughter and Tamara shook her head, smiling to herself. She had no idea what was going on but she didn't mind. Josh needed this. They all needed this.

*****

"Do you really have to go?" asked Josh, doing his best to put on a puppy dog expression in her direction. She was leaving to go home but Josh held onto her hand, trying to make her stay. He was still in a good mood from earlier and he wanted her to stay with him tonight.  She pulled her hand away and kissed him on the forehead. 

"I told you, Josh. Oscar needs some 'twin time' tonight, and I said I'd stay up with him and watch a movie." said Evie, frowning as he stuck out his bottom lip at her, doing a very good puppy dog face. "C'mon Josh, I practically live here now! I haven't even seen Oscar this week!  You can sleep without me for one night!"

While she'd been talking he'd snuck his arms around her waist and she had to untangle herself, before turning on her heel and walking out.  "I'm leaving now!" she shouted as she walked out the door, always conscious that Josh couldn't always hear her movements.

Josh sat on the arm of the couch listening to her footsteps as they disappeared into the distance. The truth was, he was scared to sleep alone. What if he really did sleepwalk? If he could set the kitchen on fire by accident, what else could he do without knowing it? And what if 'he' came for him, without Evie there to see for him? He tried to push away his fears. He pushed the button on his watch and put it to his ear.  He'd got a watch that read the time for you, like the clock in his bedroom. It was time to take his second pill. He popped the pill in his mouth and swallowed it, hoping it would somehow magically make his fears disappear. He stood up and made his way to his bedroom to sleep alone for the first time in weeks.

He walked to the window and closed the curtains out of habit. He thought to himself how it didn't matter if they were open or closed. Without Evie there he could sleep in broad daylight and be none the wiser. 

Tank watched as Josh closed the curtains, smirking to himself outside Josh's window. He'd seen Evie leave and waited for Josh to make his way to his room. There was something exhilarating about watching someone like this, so unaware of your presence. Watching someone sleep was one thing, but having them stand right in front of you, literally centimetres away, their eyes open, looking at you...  There was nothing else like it, his heart was racing with excitement. He had looked right into Josh's sightless eyes and felt the rush that having total power over someone always gave him. 'Time to have some fun',  he thought.

[Ludub]

So I'm back sooner than I thought :-) Thanks again to everyone for the very kind comments, always appreciated.

CHAPTER 19

Josh's eyes flicked open to the darkness, his heart pounding in his chest, as his blood turned to ice. He could hear them breathing beside him, a body lying close to his, weighing down the other side of the mattress. He had rolled over in his sleep, throwing his arm over the form that lay next to him. In a flash he had suddenly realised this wasn't Evie. She had gone home for the night and he was meant to be sleeping on his own! There was a warm body in the bed beside him and he didn't know who it was. He could feel their sickly warm breath on his face, their face was just inches from his own, facing him. For a moment he was frozen to the spot, paralysed with fear.  He could hear them as they breathed in and out, breathing fast with excitement. He could feel their breath on his cheek, smell the food they'd eaten. He knew in an instant it was 'him'! 'He' was in his bed, watching him, lying beside him... what was 'he' planning to do?!

He heard 'him' laugh a low, quiet, snigger. It was the most unsettling thing he'd ever heard, like something from a horror film. That laugh, coming as it did, univited out of the darkness. An image of Freddy Kruger flashed through his mind. The faceless figure in his dreams took on the burned and scarred appearance, so familiar in those horror films. A hand reached out and stroked his face as he lay there, unable to move. It was done with a gentle tenderness that somehow made the threat of violence all the more real.

His heart was racing, pounding with enormous force in his chest, and he could feel the adrenalin pumping through his blood stream. He had to get away! Suddenly he was scrambling across the bed, trying to get to the door. He wanted to scream for Andy and Kyle but he couldn't get his thoughts together enough to form the words. It was like pure animal terror. He had lost all ability to speak. He was the hunted animal trying to escape the clutches of the beast. 

A hand caught the hair at the back of his head, violently jerking him backwards and knocking him off his balance. He struggled as another hand covered his mouth and nose, just like before at the restaurant. This time there was a strange smell, sickly sweet and cold at the same time. The terror overtook him as he realised there was a cloth being held against his nose, and that he was being chloroformed. He'd seen it in films, this was how you knock someone out! He struggled to get away, pulling at the hand clamped across his face, clawing at it frantically. But it was no good. He knew he was losing consciousness. He was feeling woozy and he quickly found himself being dragged to the floor, his legs no longer able to support his weight. The room was spinning, picking up momentum, and he felt weak and heavy, unable to move his arms and legs. He couldn't fight anymore, he needed to close his eyes... Then, nothing.

*****

"Where's Josh?" asked Andy, walking back out of Josh's room into the livingroom, looking perturbed. He'd been shouting for him to come join them for breakfast and, when he'd got no answer, he'd gone to look for him. His bed was empty and there was no sign of him anywhere.

Kyle looked up from his scrambled eggs, and shrugged, "He's not in his room?". 

"Would I be asking you where he is if he was in his room?" said Andy, a little impatiently. He had a bad feeling, a nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach, for some reason he couldn't put his finger on. "Did Evie take him out somewhere?" he asked, talking more to himself than Kyle.

Kyle shrugged again, and said "Why don't you call him and ask him?"

"Already doing that!" said Andy, walking out to the garden with his phone. He did a quick scan of the garden, to make sure he wasn't out there, while he dialled Josh's number. It rang out, so he flicked to Evie's number and pressed call.

Evie answered the phone, she was on her way over to the house, walking along the beach front. "Andy! What can I do for you?!" laughed Evie. She'd had a great evening with Oscar, watching some geeky, comic book movie, full of superheroes. It wouldn't have been something that she would have chosen but she loved how excited he got about that stuff and it had just been nice spending some time with him.

"Is Josh with you?!" asked Andy, feeling sick to his stomach. He already knew the answer. Instinctively he knew there was something wrong. 

Evie stopped in her tracks. "No.... why?... wait, you mean he's not at home?!" she said, looking around her as though she'd just see him walking around the place.

"No, he's missing, Evie. He wasn't in his room this morning" said Andy, his stomach churning as any number of possibilities passed through his mind. "What do I do? Where do you think he could be?"

"Have you checked with Tamara?" asked Evie, with a flicker of jealousy.

"No, I'll call her now" said Andy, hanging up and running back into the house. He realised he didn't have Tamara's number. 

"Kyle! Have you got Tamara's number?! He isn't with Evie!" said Andy, looking wide eyed and scared. The panic was taking hold now.

"He's not with me" said Tamara. Andy spun round to see Tamara standing in the livingroom, wearing one of Kyle's shirts like a nightdress, with her hair all messed up like she'd just got of bed.  She'd obviously spent the night with Kyle. "What's going on?" she said, picking up on the panicked sound of Andy's voice.

"No one knows where Josh is, he's not in his room and he's not with Evie!" said Andy, the frustration showing in his voice. 

He ran across the porch to Ricky's and hammered on the door. "Ricky! Is Josh in there with you?!".

Ricky opened the door in her dressing gown, puffy eyed and half asleep, "shhhhhhhh" she said, as she pushed him back across the porch to his own house, "Case is asleep. I've only managed to get him to go down, so don't wake him up!", she whispered, a little angrily.

As she looked closer at Andy, she could see the fear on his face, and she began to register what he'd been shouting about, now that she was fully awake. "Josh is missing?!" she asked, looking worried.

"Yeah, no one's seen him since last night." said Andy putting both hands on his head and pulling at his hair. He couldn't think where he might be. Josh didn't go anywhere on his own these days, he wasn't really competent enough with his cane to go out alone yet. He couldn't imagine him leaving the house on his own, and definitely not in the middle of the night without telling anyone. The more he thought about it, the more frightened he was. Why would he disappear like this?!

Andy looked at his phone trying to think who else to call. He didn't think he'd disappear with Oscar, or any of his other friends,  not without telling anyone. Not without telling Evie. None of this made any sense.  

He tried calling Josh's phone again. They could hear buzzing so Andy followed the noise into Josh's room, and found his phone vibrating under the bed. 

"This is bad" said Andy, returning to the livingroom to show them Josh's phone. He looked around the worried faces in the livingroom and tried to decide what to do. Evie arrived, out of breath from running the whole way there,  and said "Have you found him?! He's not with Oscar, or Matt, or Maddy...I've spoken to them and none of them have seen him!".  Her bottom lip was trembling as she tried not to cry.

Andy shook his head. His heart was racing as all sorts of terrible thoughts crossed his mind. What if Josh had done something stupid? Why would he do it after yesterday? He thought they'd had a bit of a breakthough? He'd been in such a good mood going to bed. 

He typed 000 into his phone and pressed call. Josh had disappeared into thin air. There was no one else to call.

*****

It was a hot day and the mid morning sun was already very strong. It was shining on him as he lay there in the open. Josh was sweating heavily and shivering at the same time. He tried to sit up but his body felt heavy and weak. He tried to lift his head but when he did the world seemed to tilt and he felt a wave of nausea churning his stomach. He collapsed back onto the ground. His mouth and throat were so dry he felt like he hadn't had anything to drink for weeks. He felt hot and dizzy like he had a fever.  He tried to think where he was but he couldn't remember anything. His head felt so cloudy. He put his hand out flat on the surface below him to try to figure out what he was lying on. There was grass on the ground below him, dried up and crispy from the heat of the sun.

He could feel the sun shining on his face, the heat was stifling, and it was making him feel dizzy. He could feel his skin burning as he lay there so he lifted his hand, with great effort, to try to cover his face. He was feeling breathless and his heart was beating far too fast. He lay for a moment trying to muster some energy, before taking a big breath and pulling himself into a sitting position despite the overwhelming feeling of nausea it induced. He fought the urge to vomit and tried to keep his head upright. He couldn't figure out what was wrong. This was like the mother of all hangovers, or trying to wake up after a general anaesthetic.  

"Andy! Kyle!" he managed to say, slurring his words.  His throat was hoarse, he couldn't raise his voice above much more than a whisper. He wanted to shout but he couldn't make his mouth work properly.

He put his hands out in all directions to try to figure out where he was. There was nothing but grass and dusty soil. He had no idea where he was or how he'd got there. He managed to get himself up onto his knees, but in the kneeling position his head began to spin and the nausea overtook him. His head was pounding, a vein throbbed in his temple in rhythm with his heartbeat. He tried to take a deep breath in but, nearly choked himself as he began to throw up. 

He collapsed on his side, too weak to move. It crossed his mind that he might die if he didn't get help... and soon. But he couldn't think straight. Everything he did seemed to be in slow motion and even the  voice in his head wasn't forming full sentences.  He didn't know what to do. He knew from the spinning sensation in his head that there was no way he would be able to stand up, he wasn't even sure he could crawl.  Even if he could crawl, he didn't know which direction to go in. He couldn't understand why he was out here, or what had happened.  The last thing he could remember was saying goodbye to Evie. After that everything was a fuzzy nothingness...

He tried to listen to the sounds around him, to hear if there was anyone else around, someone that could help, but his hearing seemed distorted and muffled like being under water. The more he tried to concentrate, the more he felt sick. His head ached, especially when he moved it, like his brain was rattling around his skull. He couldn't understand what had happened and, the more he struggled to remember, the more anxious he became. His heart pounded in his chest, as he realised he was completely on his own, lost in the dark. This is what he'd been most frightened of all along.

He pulled himself up onto his knees again and tried to start crawling. He had never felt so ill in his life but the one thing he knew was that he wasn't going to let himself die out here. He was going to find help!

*****

Kat took down all the details from Andy, sharing his concern for Josh's welfare. She took out her radio and called it in to the station. "I need to put out a KLO4. Missing Vulnerable Adult... Josh Barrett... Blind, 19 year old male, 6ft 1", black hair, brown eyes. He's had a recent head injury with resultant loss of vision. Not independent."

Andy flinched when she said the words "Not independent". He knew it was true but he didn't like to think of Josh that way. He wanted his brother to have his independence. He would have given anything for Josh to be able to leave the house on his own without everyone being on high alert. The reality of that phrase was so depressing.

She turned to Andy and said "We've got everyone out looking for him." patting him on the arm.  "I'm gonna head out and join the search".  She put her cap on and headed for the door but before she left, she looked back at the room full of worried faces and said "Don't worry... We'll find him" giving them as reassuring a smile as she could manage. She was all too aware of the gravity of the situation, and a multitude of possibilities passed through her mind. She really hoped they would find him.

When she'd gone, Andy looked at Kyle and said "Well, I can't just sit here, I'm gonna go look for him"

"I'll go too" said Kyle grabbing his phone and getting to his feet.  "You check the beach, I'm gonna check the diner and the surfclub."

"What about me?" said Evie, frowning at them, "I'm not staying here twiddling my thumbs!" 

"I can stay here, in case he comes back" said Tamara. "You guys head out and look for him".

"I'm gonna check the caravan park" said Evie, rushing out past them. "Call me if you find him!" she yelled as she ran off.

Andy turned to Tamara and said "Call me immediately if he comes home". Andy and Kyle set off running, leaving Tamara in the house. 

Tamara let out a big sigh and sat back in the armchair. She understood why they were so worried but in some ways she was resentful of their attitude. It was like they thought he'd lost all his senses, that he was completely helpless. "Not independent". The words had made her cringe. She was angry on his behalf. Josh was blind, he wasn't an idiot! She decided she was going to have to help him, he needed to get his independence back, and she didn't think he'd be able to do it with people like this around him. How was he going to learn how to do things if they didn't even let him try?

*****

Phoebe opened the door to the caravan, adjusting her clothes and running her fingers through her hair. She climbed down and looked back at Ash, smiling. They'd kissed and made up and this was the first night she'd spent back in his caravan. He jumped down, carrying his wash bag and his towel, ready to go to the showers. He set them down and put his arms around her waist, leaning his forehead against hers. He smiled and leaned in to kiss her. "I've missed ya, Pheebs" he said before flashing her a huge white smile.

"That's understandable" she said, smirking at him, and raising her eyebrows. 

He laughed and tickled her in the ribs. She squealed and pulled away, pretending to run away from him, so he could chase after her. She ran, giggling, behind his caravan, with him following hot on her heels, but she suddenly stopped dead in her tracks.  He caught up with her and put his arms round her waist again but she was frozen to the spot. He leaned around her to look at her and saw the look of shock on her face.

"That's Josh!" she said, pointing a short distance from the van. Josh was slowly crawling on the ground not too far from Ash's van. He was red in the face and sweating, and clearly not able to stand up. He wasn't making much progress.

"Not again!" said Ash, looking worried, before he set off running in Josh's direction.

"Mate, Josh, are you okay?!" asked Ash dropping to his knees beside him. He lifted Josh's face to look at him. He was shocked at how ill he looked, so flushed and soaked in sweat. His eyes rolled in his head and he groaned something that Ash couldn't make out. He'd clearly been vomiting and he really didn't look like he was fully conscious.  Ash put his arms around him and propped him up against his chest. "Mate, just stay awake, keep talking to me..." said Ash, taking his wrist to try and feel his pulse.

"Oh God!" said Ash, "Pheebs, he's having a seizure!". Josh had suddenly thrown his head backwards as he started to jerk violently. His head twisted to one side as his whole body shook. Ash lay him down on the ground as his body was wracked with muscle contractions and his eyes rolled back in his head. Ash, still kneeling beside him, frantically felt the pockets of his shorts looking for his phone but realised he must have left it in the van. He turned to Phoebe, who was standing there with her mouth hanging open, watching on in shock. "Call an ambulance!" he yelled. 

"Just hang in there, mate" he said to Josh, "The Ambos are on their way... You'll be okay...".

[Ludub]

Thank you again to Kristen, KittCatt, and ~JarlieFanEver~ for your kind comments. Hope you enjoy this chapter 

CHAPTER 20

As Andy ran through the door of the hospital, his heart racing, he couldnt push away the memories of the last time Josh was brought in. When he thought about Josh lying in that bed with all the tubes and wires everywhere, and the ventilator breathing for him, Andy didn't think he could cope with this all over again. He ran into the waiting area of the hospital, wide-eyed and shaking, his face white with fear. This was just like the last time, he thought, even the fact it had been Ash who had found him.  "Where is he?!" he asked, the terror written on his face. 

"He's okay, Andy! He's okay" said Ash,  putting his hand on Andy's shoulder. "He's in there with Nate and Hannah" said Ash, indicating one of the rooms near the nurses' desk.

Andy hesitated outside the door to Josh's room, he was scared of what he would find inside. The last time he'd had to rush to Josh's bedside he'd been hooked up to every machine possible, tubes and wires coming out of everywhere.... Heart monitors, ventilators, ICP gauges, cannulas, catheters, urine bags... It had all been overwhelming. He couldn't go through that again. He'd never tell Josh this but sometimes he had nightmares about it, replaying that day they'd nearly switched the machines off...  The thought of it made him shudder. Being back here was really hard. 

He took a deep breath and walked into the room. Josh was sitting up, talking to Hannah. He didn't look well at all, but he was conscious... and alive... and that was all that mattered. Andy breathed a sigh of relief. 

"Mate, are you okay?" asked Andy in that soft voice he always used with Josh when he was worried. He put his hand on Josh's shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze.  He looked at his face all flushed red like he had a fever. He was clearly sunburned, especially across the bridge of his nose, and his eyes looked strange like he was pretty out of it.

"I'm ok" said Josh, his voice hoarse and cracked. He'd bitten his tongue, and it was swollen and painful, so he was having trouble talking. He turned his face towards his big brother as though he was looking at him, his chin trembling as he tried not to cry.  "I don't know what happened" he said, slurring his words. He was clearly tired and emotional and deperately blinking back tears as he spoke. Andy looked at Josh's face, so confused and frightened, and couldn't help feeling sorry for him. He seemed so hopeless, so broken...  "I don't remember... I don't remember anything, Andy..."

Andy sat down beside him on the bed and put his arm around him pulling him in so his head was on his chest. "You're okay, mate,  I've got you" said Andy, wondering where on earth to go from here.

"You're  incredibly lucky that  Ash and Phoebe found you when they did" said Nate, speaking to Josh, but shaking his head at Andy with a worried expression. "You're still very dehydrated Josh. We have you on some IV fluids and we've given you something to help with the nausea." He patted Josh's foot, and said "I'll be back in a while, Josh, for a bit more of a chat". 

Nate clipped Josh's chart to the end of the bed, and, catching Andy's eye, silently motioned for him to follow him and Hannah out to the hallway. Andy gave him a questioning look, he didn't want to leave Josh alone when he was like this. At that moment Evie arrived at the door to Josh's room so he waved for her to come in. He gave Josh's hand a squeeze and said "I'll be back in a minute, mate. Evie's here to see you".  He saw how worried Evie looked as she walked in so he gave her a little hug as he passed her in the doorway. She was the only other person who really got how frightening this all was.

"What's going on?" asked Andy, looking concerned.

"Andy....We found GHB in Josh's tox screen" said Nate, folding his arms and looking at Andy for some sort of explanation. 

Hannah, furrowing her eyebrows and looking very serious, said "A pretty high level... He could have died, Andy!"

 Andy looked back and forth between the two of them, clearly  confused, "GHB?... What's that?". He thought it must be some medical jargon he wasn't familiar with.

"It's a party drug, Andy.... kind of like ecstasy...." she said, looking relieved that he didn't seem to know what it was. "Well... It's sometimes used like a date rape drug too but...".

Nate rocked on the balls of his feet, his arms folded, still looking a little dubious. He said "Josh says he doesn't remember taking anything." Nate was a little suspicious that Andy might have had something to do with this. He wasn't exactly squeaky clean when it came to drugs, thought Nate. 

Hannah gave Nate an admonishing look, taking Andy's arm and making him sit beside her on the chairs outside the room. She bit her lip, unsure how to broach the subject. "I'm just wondering, do you think he might have taken it himself?" she asked cautiously, "I know he had a bit of a drug problem before?".

"Yeah, he did... for a little while" said Andy, knitting his brow, "but not now... and I don't think he'd do this...where would he even get it?"  He was so worried about Josh and confused by this whole thing that he hadn't even picked up on what Nate was implying.

Even as he said it, he started to wonder if Hannah might be right. He thought about how Josh had been behaving the last few weeks, so jumpy, so paranoid, and a shadow of doubt began to creep in. What if Josh was using? He'd clearly been finding it hard to cope with things. Maybe he'd gone back to his old ways? It would explain a lot of things, not least the disappearance this morning. It might even explain why he'd been attacked at Angelo's. Maybe that guy had been Josh's dealer? His imagination was running away with him and as he caught himself thinking the worst of Josh, he suddenly felt very guilty. He needed to give him the benefit of the doubt and see what he had to say for himself.

*****

Josh sat on the couch feeling utterly defeated. He didn't have the energy to stand up for himself, to argue with Andy. They'd all made up their minds already and he didn't think there was much point in putting up a fight anymore. He hadn't been able to give them a reasonable explanation because he didn't have one himself. He didn't know what had happened. 

He was tired. Tired of everything. Tired of having to struggle every day to do the simplest things. Tired of thinking he was making progress, only for some new obstacle to be thrown up in his path. Tired of his friends and family doubting him, and thinking the worst of him. 

He knew he hadn't taken any drugs, that he certainly hadn't bought this GHB stuff... He didn't even know what that was! He couldn't remember what had happened that night.  All he knew was that he was frightened. More frightened than he'd ever been... And the people who were supposed to love him, protect him, be there for him, were more interested in accusing him of things he hadn't done than listening to what he had to say. He was tired of fighting, he couldn't do it anymore.

He hung his head and sat there silently while Andy lectured him about drug use, as though he had any kind of moral high ground to stand on. Evie was promising him that she'd stand by him this time, support him if he needed rehab, help him get clean... Nate had come over with pamphlets for various support groups which he'd given to Andy to discuss with him. Even Hannah had come over and said she'd be happy to listen if he ever needed to talk. She'd said it but he knew that wasn't really what she meant. 

No one actually wanted to listen to him, they were all just telling him things. Everyone seemed to think they could tell him how to feel, tell him what to do. He didn't think he could cope with much more of this!

"I'm really tired" he said quietly. "I think I'm gonna go to bed".  He got to his feet and started to make his way towards his bedroom, aware that every set of eyes was on him. They watched him go, glancing at each other, unsure of what to do. He'd hardly spoken since they got him home and now he seemed thoroughly shut down. Andy had searched his room to make sure he didn't have any drugs squirreled away in there. He'd torn the room apart but he hadn't been able to find his stash. Letting Josh go to his room on his own now made Andy feel nervous. He glanced at Evie, hoping she might know what to do, but she just shrugged sadly. He hoped they might get more sense out of him in the morning. 

As Josh closed the door of his room, he was overwhelmed with a sudden rush of memories from two nights ago. He remembered the hand on his face as he lay paralysed in fear beside 'him' in the bed. He remembered that terrifying laugh, so cold and malevolent, as he stared into the darkness beside him. He remembered the yank of his hair as he tried to make his escape. Above all else, he remembered the sickly sweet chill of the cloth held so tightly on his face. He remembered...

He sunk to the floor as the panic overtook him. His heart was pounding and he felt that familiar sensation of suffocation. He tried to tell himself to breathe, that he needed to pull himself together, to go back out there and tell them all what had happened. But he was shaking so badly now he couldn't make his legs work. His chest felt like it would burst as he tried to catch his breath. 'Not now' he thought, 'Not again'.

Other memories were flooding back too. Flashes of things half remembered. The boot of a car full of oil and petrol smells, confined and claustrophobic... The rocking motion of the car as they drove, the thump of potholes along the way... The sound of someone laughing in his ear, cruel and sadistic, jeering at him, taunting him... Being manhandled like a rag doll, unable to support his head or move his arms... His mouth being forced open and being made to drink something, nearly choking on it...

It was all so vivid and yet none of it made sense. It was like bad editing. He remembered so much and yet so much was missing...

He couldn't breathe. The feeling of powerlessness was unbearable. The thought that someone had taken him from his own home like that, that they'd just come and taken him, was more than he could cope with. He could still remember their hot breath on his face, the feel of their hand stroking his cheek in that malevolent way, and he was hit by a wave of nausea. He suddenly found himself vomiting, sure he was going to choke himself as he struggled to take a breath between retches. 

"Josh!" shouted Andy through the door. He'd heard him getting sick  and was trying to get the door open in a blind panic. Josh had slumped down with his back against the door and couldn't make his body work enough to let Andy in. He tried to get up but his legs had gone to jelly.

"Josh! Can you let me in, please? Mate, please can you let me in?!" shouted Andy, frantically pushing at the door but it wouldn't budge. 

"Please Josh!" said Evie sounding terrified, her voice breaking a little.

He managed to shuffle away from the door enough to let Andy squeeze through. He felt Andy lift him from the floor in his arms and move him to the bed. "Mate, what's going on?!" said Andy, his voice soft and scared.

Evie sat on the side of bed and slipped her hand into Josh's. "Josh, did you take something?" she asked, the fear so evident in her voice.

He was still hyperventilating and clutching at his chest with his other hand, "No, I didn't take anything" he managed to say between laboured breaths. "It was 'him'.... 'he' made me".

*****

"So you're saying that someone snuck in here and kidnapped you?!" said Andy, exchanging worried glances with Evie across the room.  They thought Josh's paranoia seemed to be getting out of hand. "And he drugged you and dumped you at the caravan park?" continued Andy, unable to hide the tone of disbelief in his voice,

"Yes!" said Josh, infuriated. This was the third time he had repeated this story and it was clear that neither of them believed him. "Look..." he said, sighing loudly, his head in both hands, "I know how crazy this sounds..." 

He'd only just got his breathing under control from the last panic attack but he could feel his anxiety levels rising again. His heart rate was picking up again, his chest tightening, and he was finding it hard to keep his temper.

"It does sound crazy, Josh... I'm sorry but it just seems a bit far fetched...." said Andy, sighing and running his fingers through his hair. He was trying to be fair to Josh but a large part of him thought his brother was losing it.  "It just doesn't make any sense".

Josh narrowed his eyes, turning his head in Andy's direction, he couldn't hold his temper any longer. "And you think it makes more sense that I just got up out of bed, took some drug I've never even heard of, and then somehow walked all the way to the caravan park in the middle of the night?!".  

He leaned back, smiling bitterly. "Have you forgotten that I'm BLIND?!" he said angrily, emphasising the word loudly. He waved his hand in front of his eyes and yelled "These don't work! Completely useless! Have you forgotten that?!" He'd gotten to his feet while yelling in Andy's direction, his heart racing again as he shook with anger, his fists clenched. "I can't see! I can't go anywhere on my own! I cant even make it out of a restaurant on my own when I want to! If I can fall over every single table in Angelo's how do you imagine I got to the caravan park, without getting run over?!....How?!".

"Calm down, Josh" said Andy getting to his feet. He tried to put his hand on Josh's shoulder but he shrugged it away, too angry to let Andy touch him. 

"I couldn't even get there now if I wanted to!" he shouted. "I mean, seriously, I didn't even have my cane!... How?! How do you think I got there?!"

"We're just trying to get our heads around it" said Andy.

Evie tried to put her arm around his waist but he pushed her arm away angrily. She sighed, covering her face with her hands in exasperation and said "We're not saying we don't believe you, Josh. It just sounds..."

He cut her off, "Well, I'm not going to let you two treat me like some kind of crazy person...not anymore!  I may be blind but I know my own mind!... You were wrong the last time too!.. Have you forgotten that?!.... You were both wrong! Both of you!" he said, breathing heavily.

"I want you to call Kat." said Josh, slumping back on the couch. "I'm serious, call her for me now!". He could sense the glances between Evie and Andy, the worried 'he's really losing it' silent communucation between them. He gritted his teeth in anger. "Call her!" he growled.

"Okay, okay, Josh" said Andy, rolling his eyes. He dialled Kat's number and looked at Josh's face, so red and full of anger. This story just seemed so ridiculous, he wondered if this could be considered wasting police time.