PumpkinHead

[pembie]

Story Title: PumpkinHead
Type of story: Long
Main Characters: Irene Alf VJ Ash Tori Matt Chris Mick Oliva Leah Luc.
BTTB rating: A
Genre: Comedy horror
Does story include spoilers: No don't think so
Any warnings: High volumes of laughter well maybe
Summary: Beware of the pumpkins

PunkinHead

Chapter 1

Tori Morgan stands holding her hovering clipboard Her mouth hangs ajar. The pen that she had been scribbling notes with has slipped from her fingers and clattered to the floor long ago. Now long blue leaked trails of ink swirl in mini pools at the feet of Irene Roberts, a woman who claimed she was unable to ever get drunk no matter haw hard she hit the bottle. This remarkable woman claimed she never even comes close to being slightly tipsy anymore. The claim of her being a alcoholic many moons ago seems to have broken or snapped her ability to gain any sort of enjoyment that people often find with alcohol. It no longer relaxes her helps her unwind she might as well be having a glass of pop. Nowadays Irene just gives everyone the benefit of the doubt or maybe they are just over selling the claims of oh I’m bladdered or totally, totally pissed as a newt. Now lowering the wine bottle that she had greedily been necking Irene smiles at Tori and Tori gazes back at her with a look of bemused wonderment. Irene wasn’t even swaying like at all her eyes still looked fully alert.  

 

“Do you feel anything?” Tori asks she had been asking this same question of Irene ever since she had agreed to take part in this bizarre  medical mystery of science clinical trail.

 

Irene gazes at the glass bottle looks up at Tori and says simply as a somewhat throwaway comment.

 

“Well that was refreshing darl I’m quite bloated now though But its quenched my thirst so thank you girly” Irene’s face suddenly becomes distorted with a look of intense pained indigestion discomfort. The noises coming from Irene’s stomach sound somewhat monstrous and very alien and unnatural to the human ear. Like something that has been lost within the depths of its slumber for decades but is about to rise again Tori braces herself for the impending impact which is about to make a almighty quake throughout her doctoring office.

 

Before becoming a doctor Tori had tried her hand at being a ballet dancer, and it was down to mastering and homing these skills that the cute young doctor was light and nimble on her feet, light as a feather some might say and having Irene let out the loudest most air vibrating belch in her face caused Tori to reach out and steady herself on the small bed behind her. If it hadn’t been for that support Tori would have been blown right off her feet.  Giving herself five minutes to compose herself Tori then jumps right ahead with all the questions she always asks Irene on a weekly basis.

 

“No dizziness, no feelings of intense happiness, no sudden wants of outbursts of insane fits of giggles, do you feel wobbly, can you see straight or is it doubled in vision for you, Do you want to tell me that you love me or feel the need to kiss me? Tori asks raising her head from looking at the flow chart of reeling questions.

 

“No darl I think maybe you watered this wine down maybe or is it just one of John’s really strong juices from his juice bar? Irene says while gazing at the empty bottle of plonk she had moments ago drained Tori shakes her head

 

“No Irene Brody my brother you know the one who likes to keep to himself in our backyard vineyard squashing grapes with his feet claims that’s how you gain full flavour out of the grapes he says that he mixed you the deadliest cocktail that it would get you smashed by the sheer smell of it.

 

Irene jumps down from sitting on the bed and went to the door to leave turning she said…

 

“No Tori darl I feel as sober as a judge, I guess Kat’s waiting outside?

Tori nods Irene leaves the room, Same time next week she was to drop back in to see Tori that was of course if she didn’t  wake with a massive unforgiving hangover from her latest medical drinking session but the chances of that happening were slim Tori picks the empty bottle of wine up and gives it a sniff and instantly she staggers backwards feeling light head and rather giddy and feeling high on life she walks over to her desk and calls rather slurry for her next patient.  

 

Irene meets Kat as she always does outside in the hospital car park. Kat the towns cop holds out the breathalyzer for Irene to take and exhale into before being allowed to drive her car over to Alf’s bait shop for her weekly pick up of fresh fish for the diner.

 

“Yes you can be on your way Irene” Kat informs her The metre reading showing a big fat zero but as Irene waves goodbye to her Kat catches a whiff of the alcoholic fumes radiating from Irene’s person Kat lets out a loud drunken giggle and then gives her sliver cop whistle a very loud blow she feels like she’s been partying hard all night long.

 

Alf’s face lights up as he watches Irene’s car pull up outside his bait shop. He hoped he wasn’t being to obvious with his keenness of seeing Irene, and she hopefully wouldn’t notice his sudden flurries of blushes that so often happened when she was around him,One of these days Alf promised himself he would confess all and ask Irene out on a date. He would be the prefect gentleman too pay for everything all the drinks it wouldn’t matter if he got sloshed because of his nerves Irene could drive him home afterwards she would be sober

 

“Irene good to see you my favourite Sheila” Alf shouts with maybe a hint of too much eagerness in his voice, This causes the old man to misjudge the size of the small doorway  to the bait shop and becomes wedged while holding a massive crate of juicy looking fish. Irene laughs Alf was quite clumsy sometimes he always seemed that way around her too but oddly enough she thought that was cute. She just awaited the day that he would build up the guts and ask her out he gave her the butterflies in the stomach and made her feel nervous. She would have see she had herself a stiff drink to steady herself for their date, or maybe not it wouldn’t do a blooming thing to help her out with her it wouldn’t help calm her or make her think hell lets throw caution to the wind and let my hair down The best affect Irene might experience were to be the shocking affect that buying alcohol might have with her bank balance.  

 

“Thank you Alf darl you’re a  true diamond” Irene says smiling.

 

Alf was going to tilt his fisherman hat towards her but instead he answers her with a loud popping like farting sound as Scarlett his assistant unwedded  him from the bait shop’s door 

 

“Oh stop flirting you two” Scarlett says as she bends underneath Alf’s large arm to go about her work.

 

“Oh and stop blocking the door with your perky looking bum Alf” Scarlet says running quickly away laughing.

 

“Get back to flaming work” Alf bellows after her and as soon as the words have left his lips Alf blushes as bright as a raspberry. Irene leans forwards pecks Alf on the cheek with a quick kiss and takes the box of fish from him. Oooooh plums Irene’s breath smelt  of winey plums and Alf suddenly feels vey drunk on life so much so as when Irene is walking away she could of scorned that Alf was giggling a wolf whisting at her Irene smiles

Alf then slumps backwards into his little straw fishing chair totally drunk off his tits and falls asleep.

 

Irene hands over the crate of fish over to Leah the sheer weight of the crate makes Leah stumble forwards and it was the rescue of Irene’s waiting arms that makes Leah catch the scent of alcohol on Irene’s breath that made her start to slur her words for the rest of the day.

 

God save Ireland Irene exclaimed as her front door was pulled open and she was greeted by the smiling face of Chris

 

“Hey Irene I let myself in I would like you to meet my boyfriend Matt Sexy Page”

 

Rennie Matt bellows as he jumps squarely into the entrance of the doorframe. Irene lets out a huge whoosh of surprised air and both Chris and Matt are knocked over by the strongest whiff of alcohol that either of them had ever experienced before.

 

“We have news Irene but we will tell you laters we are a pair of very pissed newts at the moment Chris says giggling falling backwards onto the carpet in a heap.

“Right back at you sister Matt giggles  high fiving Chris Irene just shakes her head what was it with this town and not being able to handle their drink Everyone she had crossed paths with today was very, very drunk and for the life of her she just didn’t know why.    

Edited October 13, 2018 by QUIET ACHIEVER

[pembie]

Thank you Kristen Jarile Red Ludub and Kellicopter for your comments on the first chapter

Chapter 2

 

Matt opens his mouth nice and wide, just about to enter into it is the blissful grease filled taste of heaven with fried egg sausages and quite the overload of rashers of crispy bacon. The best cure to fight against the thundering thumping monster of a hangover he was experiencing on this fine day. Cho, Cho here comes the grease filled train of goodness.  

 

“So we are looking to have a baby” Chris’s. Announces and instantly finds himself getting showered over with Irene’s spat airborne half chewed cornflakes.

 

“Oh no not my sandwich its been ruined corn flaked Chris make me another one please” Matt sighs dumps his sandwich to his yellowed egg yoked plate and holds his poor head in his hands.

 

“I’m sorry Chris run that by me again a baby?”

 

“Yes Rennie you know one of those little bundles of screaming joys of fun hopefully we get a visit from the baby stork soon. Matt and I will be just awesome parents don’t you think?”

 

Matt raises his hand to high five Chris but his efforts come off as being somewhat limp and half arsed God how much had he had to drink last night?

 

“Yes darl you will be great, but please the next time you feel like springing something that big on me make sure my mouth isn’t so fill I nearly choked” Irene dashes up to fetch a cloth to wipe up the half eaten cereal and whit mini pools of milk that are creeping themselves across the table. Thankfully Irene’s breath no longer reeks of Brody’s very fine bottle of wine, instead she had very nice minty breath now so at least she was feeling well and truly refreshed, and not in a state of feeling sooo hangover unlike most of the rest of the town this morning.

 

 Alf was waking in his small straw fishing chair blurry eyed and confused. Kat was waking to find she had very rosy cheeks from doing a fair amount of blowing last night………. Blowing of her police whistle of course what else?  Tori was nursing her own hangover but the smell of hospital alcohol hand rub was making her feel sick.   Leah meanwhile was discovering that she had quite a few random phone numbers from mystery diners that she had served the day before.

 

Meanwhile Leah’s son Vince Patterson the towns very own Pumpkin farmer or maybe just VJ for short. Yes VJ the farmer the King of Pumpkins. VJ the Pumpkin Master is busy seeing to his patch rather large orange balls of terror that would bring a spooky feel to Halloween which is only a  day or two away now.

 

The screaming of joy makes Brody look up across his mini vineyard and issue them with a very loud shushing sound, his finger pressed up hard against his lips. Brody’s grapes need utter silence to ripen to grow to their juiciest destiny, and they wouldn’t be able to take in Brody’s words of wisdom as he often likes to chat away to the small round balls of fruity goodness, and with Luc happily screaming across the way Brody’s grapes are mostly just going to throw in the towel shrivel up and die.

 

VJ looks up and laughs, and then turns to his girlfriend Billie, who is busy craving a very spooky face out of a rather impressive looking pumpkin. Luc sits to the side clapping her tiny baby hands with joy watching.

 

“If you watch Brody carefully Bill, you can see the like ripples in his beard as he fluffs it when he gets annoyed its very funny.”

 

Luc screams of excitement grow louder at the sight of Billie’s near enough prefects craving of a huge smiling orange pumpkin  

 

Brody groans and rolls his eyes at Raffy their family scarecrow. Raffy looked just as Brody was feeling at this very moment hair pulled ragged and sticking every which way caused by the forceful grips of the crow beaks her face lopsided with dog drool from their furry friend Buddy as he so often jumps up and tries his best to bite at her nose.

 

Brody sighs and starts his little side step line dance he often does to crush his beloved grapes. If he wasn’t feeling so grumpy he would go inside to fetch his grape crushing tap dancing shoes but as it was he choose to deny himself that pleasure and do it bare foot instead. He looks up and sees VJ is now rolling Luc around while she sits on top of a giant pumpkin why on earth did they have to disturb nature with their noise Brody groans again.  

 

Hunter King who has been away to hopefully find himself steps off the bus. He glares back at the bus driver as he comes very close to trapping Hunter’s huge bulk of a travelling backpack inside the buses closing doors. His bag is saved last moment because of the long slender broomstick that is poking out from the top of the bag. Hunter was confused to say the very least to get given said gift of a broomstick from his new found father. But now come to think of it and given the long hours that Hunter has studied the photo of his father while sitting on the bus, his father does very much look like a wizard the other clue being that his name is Mr Wally Dumbledore Hunter shrugs thinks little of it and makes his way back into town

 

Later that night Irene jumps at the mere sight of Matt standing outside her front door before she had opened the door all she could make out was some kind of strange shadowed puppetry as she caught sight of Matt kissing someone with a oversized head, when she realised that indeed Chris was standing behind her and Matt was kissing one of VJ’s freshly grown large pumpkins she didn’t half feel very foolish

 

“Here Irene happy Halloween” Matt then starts to do his best evil laughter impression and Irene does indeed shiver. The very sight of that grinning pumpkin gives her the willies she needed a drink of what she didn’t know turning she got another shock..

 

“Chris what the?”

 

“My goodness Rennie babe you are very jumpy, just think later when you come downstairs for a glass of milk and cookies, that pumpkin will be grinning back at you with green glowing eyes Matt’s plugged his car battery into it cool effect eh?”

 

Irene glances back towards the grinning pumpkin was it laughing at her? She couldn’t deny that if there is one thing she is scared of it would be pumpkins.

 

I can make a mean pumpkin soup interested  Rennie?”

 

Irene can feel it the sudden need to be sick covering her mouth she quickly runs to the bathroom

 

Man Chris I thought you said everyone was a fan of your cooking Matt teases smirking

 

Irene glances into her bloodshot eyes and stands panting over the sink she was shaking and at the same time she could have killed to taste just one mouth watering dribble of a pumpkin juice.

 

 

 

   

[pembie]

Thank you for the comments

Sooooooooooooooo here's the next one...

Chapter3

The high winds billow forcefully with high gusts through the long slender skeleton shadowed trees casting their long spiderlike bony branches across the forested undergrowth below Spooky crackles of high pitched laughter can be heard from somewhere far off in distance only too be silenced for mere moments by the huge booms of thunder vibrating themselves throughout the low hanging and heavy misted snowy clouds, that have just weaken their hold of the impending downpour of hailing raindrops, each one splashes down with a speed of such greatness that the hit from one of these glassy misted drops of wetness sounds like a mini explosion

 

Amongst the spiderlike skeleton trees of this deep vast wasteland of doom stand countless giant black cauldrons Behind each of his oversized pots a wrinkly hunched over long nosed spotty woman stands watching with her beady eyes Every one of their cauldrons are violently blubbing over with some sort of smoky colourful liquid.

 

And there it sits black cloaked upon a tree trunk beckoning towards her. Willing her to step forwards, just one sip that’s all it would take for her to plaster herself once more into this life that she has shielded herself away from for so long, her true being her real identity.

 

Irene Roberts watches the big smiling PumpkinHead its grinning at her beckoning her with its glowing eyes to step forwards amongst the shadows and darkness. Irene doesn’t want to go but at the same time she does as well. It is scary but it’s like her inner being has been awoken after so long. The gateway to her witch like habits that she until this moment realises that she’s missed them so much.

 

The PumpkinHead speaks deep and Irene is all of sudden overcome with following  its instructions Yes she will take a drink a very long and refreshing drink of the orangey delightful mixture that is being offered to her. The PumpkinHead holds out its bony fingers and Irene grasps the honeycombed golden goblet and…….

 

“Irene how about you try some of my pumpkin juice?” Brody asks shooting daggers across at Chris who is busy wafting a slice of what he claims was pumpkin cheesecake

 

“Have some cake instead Rennie Matt says my specially is to do with my big pumpkins”

 

Chris my man, my dude my one and only high fiving master guru too much information on the pumpkin front” Matt says slapping his now blushing boyfriend on the back.

 

Irene’s gaze is glasslike as she takes Brody’s glass of pumpkin juice in one hand and Chris’s pumpkin cheesecake in the other, and from there Irene acts like a starved   animal, the pumpkin juice is instantly thrown into her mouth like you would when downing a shot of tequila and then next Irene goes to work on the cheesecake shovelling and mashing the sweetness into her mouth. and then Irene staggers back like she’s had one two many wipes at her mouth and smiles her eyes drooling half closed her mouth slightly lopsided.

 

“Mmmmmmm yummy yummy lovely darls”

 

“Which one which is lovely which one of us is the winner?” Brody asks bouncing forwards.

“If you say me I will come and eat in the diner for the next two weeks” Brody says winking.

“Yeah like that would ever happen you risking getting your beard all greasy or milk stained with the diners milkshakes oh yeah suuuuure” Chris mocks

 

“I like pumpkins so I don’t really care which of you wins” Irene simply states and strumbles off she has spotted little baby Luc with Leah.

 

“Hey Leah awwwwww how cute is this little pumpkin? Do you know that Chris and Matt, at the mention of hearing their names being called Irene hears the slap of one of Chris and Matt’s annoying high fives  from somewhere in the background.

 

“Anyway Chris and Matt they are looking for a baby” Irene says hiccupping clearly that pumpkin juice and cheesecake have well and truly gone to her head. Leah looks back with a confused expression.

“Their looking how does that work? You can’t just look for a baby like you would a car” Leah can see though that Irene is half cut One of the clues being she’s been munching at a cocktail sausage on a little stick and has placed it in the hair of one Salts of the waitresses as she walked on passed.

 

Irene pats Luc on the head giggles and chases after Brody for a little awhile in hope of getting another pumpkin juice. Whilst on her travels she quite literary  bumps into Alf.

 

“What the flam…………Oh Irene no, no matter you can knock me down at any flaming time that you want too no I mean….Stone the flaming crows”

 

“Feeling a tiny bit tongue tied are we?” Irene slurs, and before Alf can mutter another word Irene swings him around so they look as though they are about to dance the tango. But has soon as Alf thinks that his luck might just be in here Irene spring steps away from him and goes for another pumpkin juice.

 

Back beyond the veil of her darken mind the PumpkinHead smiles and hands Irene another of her pumpkin juices. The witches choice and only drink able to bring these insane crackling troublesome old hags even close to the feelings of drunkenness. The witches of Irene’s coven have started to gather around her and crackle loudly in the wake of her tipsiness and hungover state Irene Roberts will soon grow to join with her sisterhood once again.

 

Maybe there’s some truth behind the claim that drinking can bring the worse out of you Only time will tell.

        

   

[pembie]

Thank you for the comments everyone

Now this one has a sexaul reference in it

Chapter 4

Olivia scrambles at her bedside table for her phone, surely the sound that she has just heard was a binging of a text message, probably from Hunter telling her to leave her bedroom window open, so he could climb inside and give  her that very cute charming little cheeky grin and that adorable head tilt that he so often did, and then he would cuddle up to her and the coldness of the night would just wash over the both of them until daybreak dawned. But Olivia was both surprised and disappointed when her phone showed nothing but a blank screen the battery seemly to have died in the middle of the night. As the shadows around her room loomed she hears the odd sound once more, The  thud followed by the  groan and finished off with the  cry of joy. Then Irene makes her exit from walk in closet, she smiles spookily over to Olivia holding up a pair of fishnet tights.

 

“Mind if I borrow these girly?”

Olivia gazes across barely finding her bedside lamp to enlighten the room with its orangey blaze of brightness.

“Irene?”

“Yes Darl” Irene asks looking kind of mystic and magical somehow her appearances has a certain shining glow to it or so Olivia thinks.  

“What has happened to your face?”

Irene frowns and pouts

 

 

Irene had had the shock of her life earlier on in evening, when she had caught her reflection staring back at her giant bathroom mirror, oozing warts had invested themselves all over her now long and drawn out face. Her nose seemed have grown sort of extra sharp and pointy, her eyes were a glorious yellow and were nothing short but dazzling.

 

Irene had planned to go to bed the effects from the pumpkin juice had made her very drowsy, but as soon as she had exited the bathroom Irene had a sudden urge to get her new found witches outfit sorted, that beginning with the long and pointy black witches hat she had managed to find at the back of her closet. The hat was covered in dust it made her want to sneeze,, as it turned out her new found pointy nose was home to a nice long and stingy green sloppy  bogey Next she wanted to search out some kind of black long cloak. As it turned out Chris’s old batman cape that he had gotten from comic con finally served its purpose. Now came the turn for Olivia’s fishnet tights and what do we have here long knee high leather boots as well

 

“Rennie are you feeling ok?” Olivia asks looking more than baffled at Irene slipping into her long leather boots.

“Oh yes darl more alive than ever”

Olivia shivers slightly at the slight crackle that comes out of Irene makes her sit bolt up right in her bed Olivia didn’t sleep much for the rest of the night.  

 

 

The sun is shinning brightly the next morning and Irene walks down the stairs to be greeted by hawk eyed gazes from Matt, Chris and Olivia. They are all staring at Irene in her outrageous witches outfit.

 

“Going through a goth stage are we Irene?” Matt asks looking wide eyed.

 

“Hey that’s my Batman cape don’t get it crinkled” Chris says worriedly.

“Ha Irene all you need now is a broomstick Matt adds feeling very proud of his witty comment  

 

But Irene turns at the bottom of the stairs her giant pointy witches hat touching the ceiling.

“I already have one of those broomsticks at work, see you all later on my loves.”

 

Irene starts to wobbly make her way across the carpet towards the front door, but walking in giant heeled leather boots is eaiser said than done and is very challenging. The laughter from both Matt and Chris makes her whip around and start to hiss at them.

“Shut up or you will find yourselves as my pet toads ah well have a nice day she then slams the door so hard that it shakes in its very frame.

 

“I have never seen Irene like this before” Olivia says looking quite worried.

“Oh you know I’m sure it’s just passing phrase. “Time of the month must be” Chris looks to Matt and he nods in agreement Olivia sighs very loudly.

 

Alf nearly falls from his stool when he catches sight of Irene walking into the diner.

 

“Flaming dory jumping kangaroos Irene you look like a flaming million dollars”

Irene strokes Alf’s cheek and flutters her eyelashes at him.

“Why thank you charmer”

Alf then watches as Irene sort of floats into the kitchen. In there she spots Leah sweeping up some crumbles with her broom.

 

“Oh hi Irene, what really you come dressed as a witch to work Irene it’s not Halloween themed until next week you know that” Leah stands there glaring and tapping her foot party because she had planned to come as a witch too but now Irene had ruined that.

 

“Oh don’t be such a grumpy pants Leah and here darl give me my broom THAT’S MINE”

Leah lets out a loud yelp as Irene whips the broomstick away from her.

 

“HEY WATCH IT” Leah yells.

 

Leah, Leah, Leah oh my dear Leah, you really do think you’re the alpha male of this kitchen don’t you? Well let me tell you that you’re nothing more than a pussycat.”

 

With the speed of lightening Irene whips the witches wand out that she oddly had found nestled inside one of her books being used as a bookmark, and she blasts a magical charge across the kitchen at Leah, who with a very startled look on her face starts to pur and pur and then grow long whispers after that she hunches over and shrinks and then she is a black cat.

 

Irene picks Leah up and carries her outside to see Alf reading his newspaper.

“Oh Alf my darling would you like to have a play with my pussy?”

Alf rips at his paper as he digs his fingers tearing a big gaping hole down the centre of it he then pokes his head through and asks with huge gaping bulging shocked eyes  

 

“I beg your flaming  pardon?”

 

“My cat Alf would you like to stroke her? Naughty, Naughty man whatever were you thinking of I wonder hmm?” Irene asks winking. Alf with a new found sudden bravest asks the one question he until this point had chickened out of, but from the way Irene was dressed as a sexy witch and she was flirting with him there was no doubt he choose to take the risk.

“Irene would you like to flaming go on a date with me?”

“Why yes Alf we will have ourselves a spellbinding experience I’m sure of it.”

Alf then looks nervous as Irene crackles maybe he will avoid making her laugh on this date of theirs he didn’t want to finish the night with a flaming headache he had to be up early for his fishing when all was said and done.  

     

        

   

 

[pembie]

Thank you for your comments

Chapter 5

Alf Stewart is going all out to impress and woo Irene,that is why he sits amongst his huge but very limited choices of clothes awaiting VJ’s approval. The old man’s wide scope of a clothing line ranges from his collection of checked flannel styled shirts  there was a green one for when Alf was feeling a bit under the whether,  A blue one for he when he was feeling at one with his fish or the red one for when he felt the need to run some great galah out of town.

VJ, VJ young fella? Alf sighs throwing his hands up into the air the young galah seemed to be daydreaming.

 

VJ at this very moment in time seems distracted. Not surprising really the whereabouts of his rather high pitched screaming annoying mother has become unknown. And not having her stern looking face around the joint while it being sort of a blessing for him he can’t help but be ever so slightly worried she had promised them all a slice of chocolate mud cake tonight as a way of a reward for cleaning the kitchen up But there was little hope of getting to taste said chocolate cake it would seem Leah hasn’t been seen or heard from all day. Well that isn’t exactly true VJ has crossed paths with her today, well crossed paths with a black cat coughing up fur balls anyways. 

 

VJ remembers Irene smiling at him and asking if he liked her new found pet. VJ had nodded but was slightly taken back by the fact that Irene’s new found pet was trying to claw at her long leathery legs while hissing and spitting at her. A very odd reaction was happening to VJ too as he gazed at Irene and he was well concerned to say the very least Irene seemed to be giving him the tingles. she was looking rather foxy to say the very least, that was up until the point VJ turned around and was carrying his and Billie’s Luc’s milkshakes back towards his table the last fleeting forgotten look of lust at Irene had VJ shuddering, there was something off with her Olivia had been right her very bizarre text message she had sent me made sense to him now..

 

VJ came back from his daydream and was suddenly overwhelmed with a flood of Alf’s random questions..

“VJ young fella what flaming fishing hat do you think I should wear? Oh and what about my flaming jacket? Now I have that huge orange SAS duffel jacket or my big yellow rescue jacket I need some flaming guidance here” 

 

“Mr S I’m sure just your company will be enough to impress Irene she’s not that scary” VJ says gazing through the heavy suddenly shocking downpour lashing its onslaught of water at the windows Off in the distance there were the sound of wailing insane crackling those crickets weren’t half loud tonight VJ thinks  

 

Your not flaming help you young galah I’m trying to impress old war stories and talking about my tackle just won’t cut it on their own I…”

 

“Your tackle Mr S?” VJ shudders for the second time in the past twenty four hours as he has a very disturbing image pass through his mind.

 

“My fishing tackle, stone the crows you youngsters and your dirty flaming minds”

 

VJ is about to protest but stops short as Billie wanders on through looking quite confused.

 

“Err Irene’s upstairs” she says looking towards the front door which stands untouched and bolted shut

 

Brody Morgan had been happily going about his vegetable patch humming to himself. Raffy stood next to him lightly billowing in the light wind of the night There are no signs of the heavy storm just yet, and the sound of Raffy’s straw scarecrow arms rustling in the wind helps calm Brody. But then as in a instant this relaxing like farm life is shattered The hard downpour of the fierce storm hits and then there’s a gale force whooshing sound which whips from above which knocks Brody squarely down face first into his juicy red cherry tomatoes. He quickly rolls onto his back looking startled the cloudy sky greets him with outbursts of very high pitched crackles of spooky laughter then a very impressive top speed is the flying broomstick. Is that Irene sat on top of that broom? Brody wonders and if it is Irene isn’t looking where she is going she seems to be texting, and there’s black cat perched on the top of her long and pointed hat. The cats eyes glow yellow in the darkness. Brody decides that no he isn’t going crazy. It must be down to the fresh countryside air and it’s somehow made him very high on the joys of growing his own food, because Irene Roberts doesn’t really go around flying on broomsticks. Irene Roberts wipes down your table at the diner Brody picks himself up and decides to go share his worried concerns with Raffy being made from straw meant she couldn’t laugh at him all she could do was listen and sway and scare away any other monsters that just might be lurking out there somewhere in the darkness. Brody felt safe with Raffy he had warned his family that this town might not have been as sunny and dreamy as it like to make out and just having witnessed the local diner lady flying amongst the clouds texting on her phone had confirmed that maybe this town had some very well hidden secrets

 

Irene isn’t texting she is indeed making use of the dating styled app that goes by the name of Kermit. But this app has a difference On Kermit you still swipe to the right of a person you like the look of, but with Kermit the difference is those people aren’t there for you to maybe date. These people are here and it is down to you being the witch to choose people on their toad likeness. Which of these lovely handsome people would you like to turn into a toad? Ah there’s a fella here, goes by the name of a Dr Nate Copper. Oh yes here’s another one Martin Ashford. Irene crackles it is at this point she glides on through Luc’s upstairs bedroom window.

 

It’s been a long and tiring night shift for Tori Morgan at the hospital. But rather than finishing the day as a grumpy pants as she sometimes does. Tori tonight has a spring in her step. Tori the lucky little minx she’s off out on a double date, she has been set up on a double blind date with a guy called Nate and the other guy he goes by the name of Ash. Tori promises to tell the gossiping nosey doctors about all she gets up tomorrow.

 

Alf, VJ and Billie enter into Luc’s bedroom to see Irene hunched over her cot grinning down at the small baby.

“Errrr ok do you mind moving aside please? Billie asks as her motherly instincts kick in There’s seems to be a hint of danger surrounding Irene that Billie doesn’t really care for.

“Awwww Cute little pumpkin” Irene says moving aside. She glances towards Alf with a hint of mischief in her spooky eyes.

“Ah Alf my goodness darl, orange really suits you Makes you look like a big cuddly pumpkin and I like those a lot they tend to bring out my wild side”

Alf nudges VJ and grins

“See my orange duffel SAS coat is a right flaming hit with the ladies”

VJ laughs but not because of Alf’s comment its because of a very soft feeling black cat who is rubbing itself up his leg purring. Leah hopes that her son connects the dots and realises the affective bond that is shared between a Mother and son in fact Leah gets so excited she pees down VJ’s leg.

 

“Oooooh VJ darl my cat likes you it would seem” Irene crackles leaps forwards takes Alf by the arm, he can’t help but feel the excited little butterflies flutter in his stomach at her touch, he already feels onto a promise that is until he is sat behind her gripping her around the middle and whooshing away on the supremely well thicken well weight consuming broomstick.

VJ pulls his phone from his pocket and calls Olivia while looking wide eyed out of the bedroom window.

“VJ?”  

“Yes Olivia you know you texted earlier asking me if I thought Irene was acting strangely?”

“Yes”

“Well she and Mr S have just flown out of the window on a broomstick”

“Wait there Hunter and I will be right over”

 

Brody stands peering at a long blonde haired man quite the dreamboat really

 

“Do you serve any frog legs here mate?” the long dreamboat blonde man asks he can’t deny either that this chef as the most bluest most sparkly eyes he has ever come across.

“Why yes, yes we do we have the best frog legs you will ever taste mate”

 

Ash smiles closes the menu and awaits his date too arrive. As does Nate who sits a few tables behind, he has gone for the choice of having the Toad in the hole. Maybe these two men should have waited for Tori to at least turn up before ordering but these two men were big and tall and strong and were very well respected men of the community well at least for the time being they are.   

    

       

 

[pembie]

Do you ever go back and read something and your like what???? What was I was on Well I did have pain killers for my back at the time I was writing this

Thank you for your comments Now are you all ready?

Chapter 6

Darkness it often carries with it a dank, deep depressing coldness that is often found in scary unforgotten places such as spooky caves. Caves that loom their threatening shadow of terrors across the earth The boarding line that separates summer bay to Mangrove River is home to one of these rather spooky caves Once one ventures outward to such a place as Mangrove River there is no more sunshine, Its glow of brightness and that nice tinge of warmness that you feel washing itself across your back and shoulders that heat becomes extinct. This cave in question that we now find ourselves at in this story stands at a enormous and staggering height. Inside the crunching of tiny rat bones can be heard from deep within the caves ghostly chilled rocky stabs of walled terrain. Rats have became its stable diet but the creature who lives and breathes in the dust mites of the cave his all out favourite thing to have as a meal would have to be chickens and if the moon chart on the cave’s wall is anything to go by his long awaited treat of freshly and juicy order of chicken was now due.  

 

Alf Stewart staggers away from the hovering broomstick and just stands gawking up at the greying but well preserved entrance to the cave.  When Irene had told him she was to just to pop on home to do something very important, Alf didn’t for one moment think that they might go swooping over the Morgan’s little farm patch to nab a few of Brody’s prize egg laying chickens, Alf was half expecting her jump hop and skip inside her house to maybe go and firmly tell Chris and Matt instructions on how to not blow the place sky high into oblivion with the use of the microwave. Or maybe she had forgotten her purse or something or heaven forbid go and drop that persist black cat of hers off with a saucer of milk. Not in a month of galahs had he ever expected to find himself being shushed off the splinter ridden broomstick and then have Irene sit on her hovering broom barking orders at him to simply shrift the measly huge mother of a boulder away from the cave’s wide but closed off entrance.

 

“You what you mad flaming, but very gorgeous woman you want to heave and push well that’s not flaming working errrr you little sexy little kangaroo you” Alf says looking aghast, Even with this outrageous request from Irene and no matter how shocked Alf feels of such a request he still wants to get his leg over so throwing in the gorgeous and upgraded sexy kitten swapped around to sexy kangaroo remarks, surely they can only go towards sealing that deal. Alf only hopes that if Irene has ideas of romance later that it has nothing to do whatsoever with this cave. Once Alf pushes the boulder away the last thing he wants to see is a double bed surrounded by candles and scattered with rose petals it’s a shame really because what Alf will end up seeing is most truly terrifying.

 

Tori Morgan has smudged her lipstick and now looks like a crazy clown who  catches  her off guard with it scary looking grimace crooked half roused red grin It’s a enough to  make the mirror shatter into a million pieces it looks that frightening. Tori had jumped and smeared her face with trails of lipstick when Brody had rang to tell her that he thought her double dates had arrived at salt. The slightly concerned chef told panicky Tori that he was trying his hardest to withhold their food orders back in the kitchen until she arrived. The big blonde dreamboat dude though is acting impatient he really wants those frog legs, and the other one Nate his eye is already starting to wander and he has winked at a fair few of the  passing waitresses already who in turn have all run off giggling like some overexcited high school girls and blushing like ripen raspberries.

 

A few minutes later. 

 

Tori has now washed her face of any make up lasting make that might make her look like a pandered clown. The good doctor she’s still got the time she might have had even more though, if she hadn’t just stubbed her big toe on the doorframe of the bathroom. Oh well she’s now hopping on over to her good old faithful black heels, these girly shoes have never let her down in a crisis before  There easy her dainty cute feet are comfortably placed inside her sexy black high heeled shoes, and she’s about to go now she’s nervous Those butterflies are fluttering those wings of theirs a million to dozen. But here goes one foot across the threshold only the one foot to follow suit and she will be out of the door here it comes behave, behave don’t do anything unexpected just……. SNAP the heel of one shoe has broken. Tori sighs loudly and rushes back inside. Instead she’s going to have to go on her date wearing trainers now not really the ideal footwear to blend with her silky posh sparkly dress she’s wearing but with she’s lucky maybe her dates won’t be the kind with strange foot fetishes.  

 

 

“Come on Alf put your back into darl, push stop being such a girly girl” Irene says watching him while stroking Leah who is taking it upon herself quite aggressively to hiss and scratch at her new witchy owner.

“It’s a flaming boulder woman its not that easy to move”

“Oh come on now darl I have seen you lift bigger fish than that measly little pebble”

“PEBBLE FLAMING PEBBLEYOU SAY” Alf stops short his on the verge of losing his wooing technique here, he has to pull it back in, play the gentleman, has to reel Irene in, has to impress.

“Irene I’m a very flaming strong galah of a man If this is some sort of test……..”

“OPEN THE CAVE NOW. I’m sorry darl but you see he grows hungry and he must have eaten all the rats by now  he wants these chickens” Irene says swinging the squawking feathery birds by their skinny necks.

 

Alf is in far too much pain to have heard of what Irene was saying, but as he shovels the boulder it finally slides back. Alf can feel the steamy mistiness of sudden hotness that radiates from the caves gaping mouth The heat is like a furnace against his old man skin.  

 

“Phew my jumping kangaroos I’m flaming melting that workout took it out of me Irene I’m only an old coot you know?”

 

“There you are beautiful” Irene says hopping  down from off her broom.

 

“Why thank you Irene I’m flaming flattered that you would call me something like that ” Alf says gazing as Irene walks towards him, smiling he is very much disappointed as she seems to change direction and passes him on by Talk about playing the flaming tease.  

 

“Magnificent don’t you think Alf?” Irene asks.

Alf turns looks and nearly dies at the sight of….

“What the actual stone my gibbets with a flaming hammer and barbecue my chunky sausages what in the flaming hell……”

 

The huge yellow eyes stare downward from their great monstrous height the fire smoky orangey tongue flickers in and out of its sharp toothed mouth.  

 

“Meet Mick Alf” Irene says reaching her hand out to stroke at Mick’s scaly skin. From the lightness of her fingertips Mick roars with happiness. Alf jumps aside as a torrent of blasting fire melts through the ground he had been standing on mere moments before the sudden firestorm. Leah screams as her tail is stamped on by one of Alf’s big feet.

 

“My Mickey his an nice dragon isn’t he?”

“His a what?”

 

Mick spreads his wide wing span and thuds over to Alf, with each step the ground shakes. Alf is very much regretting asking this woman out at this moment in time, he has never been a man to own such things as comfort pants but maybe he should look into getting some, because if this world was the bearer of dragons named after a certain cartoon mice then Alf was going to be scared ****less.

 

“I’m his Mother I’m the Mother of Dragons well dragon but you see my point darl” Irene was saying cuddling into Micks long and twisty tail as he swung her around to sit on his back.

 

Tori has made to her car so yaaaaaaay for that, but naaaaaaaaaaaaaaay for her flat battery. Now she will have to run to Salt. she really hadn’t built a pre date playlist to jog along too other than The Eye of the Tiger and other classics as my heart will go on the chances of Tori  reaching Salt hadn’t sunk quite yet. Not according to Christina Aguilera anyways, she wills Tori to be a fighter. Tori had sang along with Queen when they sang Don’t stop me now and Jimmy Nail’s sang about crocodile tears. Tori wasn’t going to give up and cry those tears just yet, she was going to keep on moving and search for the hero within herself. In this case big girls don’t cry because that wouldn’t impress to turn up all puffy eyed. Tori’s trainers were made for walking well they would have been if she hadn’t just tumbled from the paths edge and fallen down a small cliff’s edge. Tori was now realising that she might just be a tad clumsy

 

Billie sits, VJ and Olivia watch her the girl seems to be wanting to tell them something . Hunter is busy unpacking his large rucksack which to his great surprise seems to contain many more wizardly items other than his broomstick That journey to seek out his real dad had turned out to be quite magic.  

 

But now lets head on back to Billie. Billie has known of witches but she has pushed such thoughts down deep within her mind for years now. But after seeing Irene and Alf fly away on that broomstick she’s suddenly remembered her old childhood boyfriend Luke. Luke had claimed to be a warlock and as a way of proving this to be true had kissed Billie without making use of his special lip gloss before hand. If he had it would have blocked the magical strain that passed through their shared salvia This was one snog that caused Billie to go spouting a long and hairy moustache. To make matters worse for her she later discovered that Luke had taken secret photos of her new found attraction, and had made himself four giant posters and had stuck them around his bedroom Understandable Billie had dumped his ass quickly and Luke like so many other exes just magically vanished into thin air posters and all.

 

“Wow Billie I…..”

“No don’t say anything VJ. Luke was a jerk and now Irene’s a witch and most honestly I could just cry I really could”

 

“What’s that Hunter?” Olivia asks seeing Hunter holding a small little green bottle.

 

“Hopefully its alcohol after hearing that strange story” Hunter says knocking the bottles contents back in one gulp.

 

 

Tori climbs back up from the cliff and rolls over panting she’s going to make this date even if it ends up killing her.

 

Hunter has collapsed behind the sofa whatever was in that mysterious little bottle has really done a number on he it seems.

 

“Ah Hunter’s drunk as newt or he might be dead who knows” VJ laughs nervously

 

“Anyone else have any ideas you know useful ones on how we go about rescuing Mr S? VJ throws the floor open to any suggestions Billie and Olivia stare back at blankly that is until the whistling starts to billow out of Hunters ears then they look very concerned indeed.   

 

Edited August 9, 2017 by pembie

[pembie]

Thank you again everyone

Chapter 7

 Katarina Chapman or Kat for short rolls sleepily over in her bed tangled Cat in a Hat themed bed sheets, one of her all time favourite movies. Kat groans and strokes her long silky soft purrefect black hair away from her eyes. Next to her lays her upgraded slivered revolver special issued detective gun.  The stars twinkle ever so brightly through the bedroom window that its sparkle catches Kat’s reflection within the revolver’s shiny steal. The built up pride Kat has for herself for actually owning such a gun warrants the huge Cheshire Cat’s grin that slowly starts to beam across her tired face.

It suddenly dawns on her that not only does she have her new gun to enjoy, she also has her new state of the art squad car top in its range Bulletproof window shielded glass and body work its very own heated recliner seats with a doughnut tray and coffee cup holder A cuddly police stuffed dog to sit up front with you that is able to bark at you while on those lonely stakeout night shrifts. The car also can reach from zero to 400 miles an hour from a standing position. One crank of that clutch and away you blast No more speeding motorists.

Kat feels very much like the cat who had gotten the cream The long slender female flings her legs over the side of the bed and makes a sort of half purring mixed in with a yawning sound Kat  stands alert and wanders over to her perfectly ironed police uniform then she starts to dress.

 

Irene tells Alf that she’s just going off to the little girlies room to powder her nose.  Alf to be fair can see her flaming point actually that nose of hers looks as sharp as a needle plus Alf isn’t quite sure how Irene has managed it but there seems to be pus filled oozing blisters breakout of giant warts angling downside the bridge of her razor bladed fuelled nose. The old man is now even feeling unsure if he wants to get lucky with her. Irene’s nose looks like it could very much cause him some serious damage if he miss judges his head and Irene tilts her head to mimic and ram dam thank you mam that’s his eyes well and truly porked on their storks.

 

“Yooooooooooooo hooooooooooo Mr Stewart how’s its going Rennie texted me and said you were painting the streets red tonight” Chris says having just spotted the old man awhile he waited for Matt to finish tossing his dough. Chris has news for his young pizza delivery boyfriend. 

 

Alf gulps and sort of grins half heartily.

“Chris my young galah you or anybody in fact could have warned me that Irene’s quite the wei …..

“Woman yes, yes she is”

“No I was going to say she’s quite flaming wacky short of a few sandwiches upstairs”

“Her dry wit I know oh the laughs we have she’s just wonderful oh and what do you make of her new dre”

“Dragon flaming scary” Alf says to see Chris gaze back in a questioning raised eyebrow sort of way  

“Oh yes she’s got a flaming dragon young fella its outside chained up to one of the beach posts”

Chris eyeballs Matt and carefully wanders away. Alf Stewart it would seem has been taking in the smell of a bit too much sea air or maybe he had been exposed to quite a lot of seagull poo Chris isn’t sure but hearing the oldest bay’s resident talk of dragons just didn’t fly right with Chris.  

 

Kat listens to that cuddly purring sound of her engine she’s all buckled in and has just received a call, a somewhat worrying call that claims that a huge scaly thirty foot long dragon has been witnessed outside of Salt. Kat stokes this aside but no the desk stationed deputy back at base is furry sure that this is no hoax and advises Kat to sink her claws deep into this particular saucer and risk her getting her whiskers wet with this case.  

Kat speaks loudly and clearly into the voice active GPS navigation system it programs Salt as her chosen destination. Kat then stretches back in her recliner seat and plays with her rubix cube. The prefect puzzling pass time for such a great problem solver such as Kat Chapman.

 

“What can I get you Alf?” Brody asks while he eyes the door to the restaurant nervously. Alf can’t quite believe he has missed out on sitting relaxing and resting his old bones while watching a fishing documentary tonight. Was this normal these days to have everyone that you came across acting so out of whack?

 

“Brody I think the question is what can I get you?” You look shifty I…”

“You haven’t seen Tori have you? Its just she’s meant to be here that blonde dreamboat over there he keeps giving me the come on impatient kind of look”  

 

“Oh yeah is she flaming nice Shelia? ” Alf says winking and turning..

“Oh it’s a flaming galah”

 

“Galah his a dreamboat yeah and here I am crushing on Tori’s date, and his over keen to have a taste of my legs, to be fair they are delicious  and….Oh no I meant my frog legs” Brody says blushing

“Brody just give me your strongest bottle of flaming whisky will you?” Alf finishes.

“Is Fireball alright?” Brody jumps slightly as Mick the dragon roars from outside.

 

Kat has pulled up now and to her sheer amazement she’s failed to complete her rubix cube she’s so catfused because normally she’s so multi talented at solving mysteries oh why oh why can’t she see what’s right in front of her now?

 

Irene has graced Alf with her scary demeanour once more. Leah hops up on the chair and starts to lick her paws next to old scary witch.

 

“Good yourrrrrrrrrrrr baaaaaaaaaaaaaack” Alf slurs it seems that he is half sloshed already, that fireball whisky has well and truly gone to his bald and shiny head.

 

Irene crackles and looks around. She spots Chris sitting at the bar waving, awwww she did love Chris deep down he was the only person worth her love in this measly town, and soon she will prove her evil intent and reek terror into their little minds. Irene crackles again and Alf drunkenly giggles along with her. It would seem that after coming into close contact with a dragon, that little things as being the prefect gentleman tends to fly right out of the window.

 

“Herre Irene my dreamy woman that I want to flaming stick it too with my magic fishing rod. I think you should take a drink with your old pal flaming Alfred galah Stewart”

 

Irene pushes the bottle that Alf is offering aside. Deep down she will’s herself to take the offered drink, but no it seems that her wild side over rides her inner soul of glass cleaners and strain removers and washing up liquids. One drop of the hard stuff as people often called it would see Irene fall back into her normal and uneventful energy sapped live, of wiping tables and serving milkshakes. No she wasn’t going to be that mind numbly boring again.

 

Mick sniffs at Kat’s squad car door and the mental of the door slowly melts and bents. Kat meanwhile stares back at the beast, her sliver revolver is raised shakily. Mick roars and nudges the side of the car The heat of his inner soul burning the car’s mentals   

 

Matt gazes at Chris with a look of bafflement.

 

“Its here Matt babes its arrived”

 

“What has?”

 

“Your package your special delivery”

 

“Where is it Did we order anything Chris you haven’t been using my credit card on that sex toy website again have you we have talked about that”?” Matt asks

 

Chris sighs ignores Matt’s comment and pushes on.

“Well I don’t know where the this package is but they left this note on the door matt, Matt”

 

“Called today but had to fly. Fly by again tomorrow” Matt reads and drops the note into Chris’s hands.

“It’s the stork isn’t Matt? She’s finally coming to give us our baby” Chris says grinning.

 

“Baby delivering Storks don’t exist Chris, surely that’s all make believe”

 “Oh well then next thing you will be telling me is that Harry Potter and magic isn’t real” Chris looks very sulkily over at Matt. Matt opens his mouth to say something but Chris cuts him off.

“I have been to Harry Potter world Matt and it was well magical” Chris finishes he then goes back to waving across at Irene.   

 

Alf glances across at Chris and smiles merrily. The whisky fireball awakening his over confidence, The old man takes Chris’s sudden happy expression of seeing Irene out on a date as he thinks Chris is secretly trying to signal him to maybe push the boat out and hook the bait and go for maybe a cheeky little kiss. Alf takes another fierily  shot of whisky, and coughs hoping to attract Irene’s attention. What was that flaming woman upto? it would seem that she had pulled what looks to be a rather large glass globed crystal ball from within her deep folds of her dark crusade’s black cape. Leah jumps slightly as she prances around the table top she had to watch herself Leah had crossed herself with the sight of a black cat’s reflection and to be truthful she had had just about as much bad luck already today well there were bonuses she supposed she had gained two more legs and could dart around and knock people who annoyed down from off their ladders.

 

Irene glances towards Alf and crackles, the old man looks like a sort of puffer sort of fish, his lips have grown into a massive pout and they oh no the are they are heading towards Irene. Her glassed globed ball has just started to mist on over soon enough Irene will glance into its cloudiness and bear witness to the convened sisterhood of the other scary old hags she long ago called family.  

 

Irene screams as Alf’s wandering tongue snakes itself into her mouth. If it hadn’t been for the fierily taste of whisky Irene might have enjoyed this very surprising snog from the local fisherman. Their kiss lingers on and on and with each little waggle of Alf’’s tongue the scent of Alf’s whisky roaming breath fills Irene’s senses and all of a sudden, Irene feels like she must fight the want and need of going over to Brody and asking him for a dishcloth and a collection of cleaning supplies. Also a little notepad one of those that you can easily flick on over to the next page to take down food orders. Yes that’s what Irene needed in her life she needed to live out a safe and dull sobered up boring existence of playing the dinner lady  

 

Alf in his drunken state pulls back and is suddenly shaken to see a very different kind of Irene sitting before him, gone was her wild sided sexiness her scary presence.

 

“Aahhhh sister Irene how goes it my troublesome slimy toad lover?” Irene glances down towards her glass globe to see a scary witch staring back at her.

 

“My Gawdfather Irene quickly, quickly now get yourself a nice pint of pumpkin juice There are strict rules of no drinking alcohol you know this. it kills the witch inside you it dulls your sense to your true purpose GO NOW” speaks the haggard wart filled face that is captured within the witches globed crystal.

 

Irene stands knocking the glass ball into Alf’s lap she must go now before this normality of a hangover becomes everlasting she must become drunk on evil intent once again.

 

“BRODY DARL have you got any pumpkin juice left?” Irene asks rushing over to the bar.

 

“Yeah there’s free samples until Halloween” Brody slides the tray over in Irene’s direction and then Brody groans. Why did he mention they were free samples Irene makes herself quite the talk of the restaurant as she greedily knocks each and every one of those tiny pumpkin shots back in numerous amounts of noisy gulps. Smoke erupts from her ears, once it clears and everyone has finished their  coughing fits Irene chills the air with her spooky crackling with like laughter once more.

 

Outside Kat is struggling to lower her police squad state of the art vehicle’s window. Kat’s struggling has been made worse because of having shot herself in the shoulders as the bullets from her slivered gun have sliced through her flesh. The roof has a fair amount of bullet moulds embedded into it. But seeing as its bulletproof not one of the bullets have managed to pass on through the metal to cause the jumping dragon on top of the car any sort of pain. Finally Kat manages to sneeze on through the small like cat flap of the window and good job too because as she manages to escape Mick’s sheer weight causes the car to fold in on itself and become the largest ruibix cube that Kat has ever seen in her short nine lives lifespan on this earth. Mick throws the cube of metal to one side and gives chase of Kat. Funnily enough the fact that cats are known as the worlds most feared predators it seems that only applies when there’s not a big ass fire breathing dragon chomping at your heels.

 

Kat hears her phone ringing, it’s Brody Morgan he says that Irene Roberts seems to have lost her marbles and is busy blasting up the of his restaurant.  Kat tells him tell him she will be there in about five shakes of a salt shaker or less and she will be right along.

Brody thanks her and puts the phone down and true to her word Kat now stands in the middle of the restaurant and then she’s not. It all happens with a snap crackle and pop Mick’s fire torrents of orangey streams melts Kat from where she stands. Turning her into small snoot  ash dust mites  

 

“Wow that’s some serious freaky ****” Chris says looking around shocked while munching on a Kit Kat.

 

“What the flaming badgering mongoose is going on here?” Alf exclaims.

 

“WHERE ARE MY FROG LEGS I ORDERED THEM HOURS AGO” the blonde dreamboat of a man named Ash demands.

 

“Chill you’re Goldie locks dude you can have barbecued Kat now instead.” Chris looks around in search of Matt. This moment  ws a  high five moment Barbecued Kat was just priceless tragic yes but also priceless. Matt looks to Chris with a shake of disproval and Chris feels disappointment for about a second but his hand soon connects with the hand of Irene.

 

“That’s one for the memory banks Chris you just high fived a witch” Irene then crackles turns and blasts a electrical charge across at Ash. If this annoying loud mouth wanted frog legs that was what he was going to have.

 

Moments later there’s a small green toad hopping around at people’s feet and Alf Stewart screaming….

“Flaming hell is there a doc in the house someone’s just croaked it.”

 

 

 

              

     

        

   

[pembie]

Thank you everyone

Chapter 8

Smoke has been billowing from behind the sofa for quite the while, if the length of the last chapter is anything to go by. Would you all spare a moment to just think of how long poor VJ and co have had to sit around with very worried and concern expressions on the faces There must be some serious face ache going on by now. Their very worried I might as well remind you why considering it’s a very important plot point and we can’t have you or me forgetting those now can we? Well everyone is worried because of their good friend Hunter who’s spent a chapter and half  laying pretty crippled on the floor while a rather misty cloud of whiteness has been exiting his mouth causing the poor guy to whistle high pitchedhuge cloud of whiteness like the of a  overworked kettle which is nearing the brink of boiling but gives up halfway through and starts the cycle all over again.

 

VJ is very much relieved when the sheer sharpest of the whistle sound subsides in a silent puffy cloud. There’s only so much head holding you can stand before it comes apparent that the situation more suits a big pair of ear defenders.

“Guys I don’t feel like myself” Hunter says stumbling up onto his feet, his legs feel like jelly and they seem thinner, but his feet well they have doubled in size, while his body has shrunk about a couple of feet shorter. Hunter feels stressed and reaches to brush his hands through his hair part that reason and to double check he now isn’t the proud owner of two heads Yes he feels that out of it like someone has brought him back to reality by switching on a really bright light.

 

“Wow dude is that a feather in your hair?” VJ asks. Hunter instantly frails around for said feather if that was true that wasn’t at all very manly not the greatest image to have while in the company of your friends.

 

“Hunter I never realised you hunted and travelled so far to find your dad” Olivia questions

“Eh what do you mean Liv only went to the City”

“Not Ireland then” Billie asks looking baffled.

“Ireland?” Hunter utters back

“Your outfit it’s all green, is your dad Irish? Or he could be from Nottingham maybe?” Billie asks again.

Hmm oh yes I see Sherwood Forest see babe your getting mixed up with the sheriff he was from Nottingham” VJ says with a very pondering look on his face.

Hunter just gawks back at them.

Hunter I can see VJ and Billie’s points Olivia adds nodding.

“You can?” Hunter fires back

You do look like a Hobbit sized leprechaun crossed with Robin Hood” Olivia  explains. 

Hey  

Now Hunter take that a good thing Bilbo Baggins was very cool maybe you’re his long lost cousin” VJ and Billie both say laughing in unison.

Hunter throws his arms above his head and instantly feels something very soft and feathery sticking up from his back these strange like objects have rough and sharpen edge to them. Hunter twirls around when he sees the small little droplets of blood that have smudged his fingers.

“Wow dude where did you find yourself a quiver of arrows from?” VJ asks

“I don’t know” Hunter says as he reaches behind and pulls a long arrow from its long quiver tube.

“No bow though so that sucks we could of gone to shoot some arrows at tin cans .

“Is that all you can think of doing VJ really? We have just discovered that Hunter’s some sort of secret archer Billie says playfully shoving VJ in the side.

Oh yes his cooler than that like Legolas the elf VJ says causing Billie to bust a gut laughing Oliva rolls her eyes sighing 

 

 

“HELLO GREETING I AM HERE MERE MUGGLES AND UN MAGIC FOLK TO GIVE YOU MY WISDOM”

 

Everybody jumps at the sudden booming voice that is soon followed by a long cloaked bearded old man who’s smoking a pipe and blowing said smoke puffs into very clever wisp shaped patterns. Patterns such as a little sail boat a horse and a carriage and one that looks to be a dragon. The old wizardry man glides into the room.

 

“I HAVE COME ON THE HUNT FOR MY SON” The old mystery man proclaims ever so poshy that it looks painful to even talk its as if he had been sucking on a very sour tasting lemon. 

 “Who are you?” Olivia asks. The weird old man turns with the ease on the rooted spot before her and throws his arms out in a greetings

“COME FORWARD MY FRIENDS”

“We aren’t your friends you wally, but ok then” VJ says pulling  a very nervous looking Billie from behind him.

“BUT THAT IS MY NAME OH CLEVER OF YOU TO HAVE GUESSED THAT I AM INDEED I’M WALLY”

 

“You are not wrong there pal a right wally that’s what you are” VJ says laughing while he looks back to Billie who isn’t at all finding any of this one bit amusing, she’s rather scared, thinking back on it now this was exactly how her boyfriend Luke’s dad had acted very over the top and jolly and he was later declared totally bonkers and sent to a hospital for the insane.  

 

 “I AM HE WHO SEEKS HIS LITTLE TAPOD, FOR HE IS TO GROW OR SHRINK, INTO A GREAT OR MAYBE NOT SO GREAT BUT TINY, BUT IMPORTANT BUT NOT IN A SHOW OFFY TYPE OF WAY. FOR IT IS HIS DESTINY TO MAKE ME PROUD, AND IF HE DOESN’T THEN I HAVE HAD MANY NUMBER OF AFFIARS SO YEAH I WILL JUST POP OFF AND FIND ANOTHER OF MY SONS BUT THAT WOULD TAKE A BIT TOO MUCH TIME I HAVENT TIME TO WASTE. WELL THAT’S A LIE BECAUSE THE PAST THE  FUTURE IT MEANS LITTLE TO ME BECAUSE I’M A WIZARD AND I HAVE A TIME MACHINE.”

 

“Wow wait up you have a time machine where is it?” Hunter asks.

“IT’S UPSTAIRS IN THE AIRING CUPBOARD. WHERE ELSE WOULD YOU KEEP SUCH A MACHINE?” THAT’S HOW I CAME TODAY I KNEW THIS DAY WAS COMING YOU SEE.

 

“Really I have been upstairs many times back and fourth. We are very busy we have a baby who’s sick a lot and needs her bed sheets changed quite a bit and I have never seen a time machine in the airing cupboard before VJ asks with a hint of suspicion. 

 

“WOULD THAT BE BECAUSE YOU THINK OF IT AS A WASHING MACHINE? MY FRIEND IT DOES HAVE THAT FUNCTION ALSO. YOU KNOW FOR NONE MAGICAL PEOPLE USES. MY GOLLY THEIR JUST AMAZED BY THEIR WHITES COMING OUT AH GET THIS WHITE WHICH WAS THEIR WASHING PROGRAM SETTING ANYWAY. AS IF THAT’S REALLY MAGIC HAHA I LAUGH IN THEIR FACES THEY COULD HAVE CHANGED HISTORY BUT NO THEY WORRY ABOUT THEIR SMALLS SO LETS HAVE IT WHICH ONE OF YOU LUCKY PEOPLE GET TO BE MY SON?” Wally’s eyes wander around their faces.

“Well it’s not me or Billie that’s for sure. Olivia hints towards Hunter.

“HARRY MY SON HOW ON EARTH ARE YOU OLD CHUM?”

“Errrrr I’m VJ and I don’t know who this Harry is but..”

“AH SHAME YOU LOOK WELL BUILT AND READY TO FIGHT AGAINST THE FORCES OF EVIL BUT YOUR QUITE RIGHT VJ YOU DON’T LOOK MUCH LIKE A POTTER.

“Why thank you” VJ answers back feeling very proud.

“You hear that Bill I could make a very good warrior.”

Billie rolls her eyes.

“Yes well make you stay the warrior of baby nappies ok VJ my darling”

“Right you are babes”

Hunter stands before Wally and holds out his hand.

“I’m Hunter”

“I’M SURE YOU ARE LAD YOU’RE A FINE HUNTER BY THE LOOK OF THOSE ARROWS THAT I LEFT FOR MY SON TO FIND WHILE OUT ON A SELF DISCOVERY MISSION OF A LIFETIME ARE YOU HARRY?”

“No I’m Hunter and I must be your son because I never used too Hobbit sized and like to dress in green so…..”

HMM YOU DON’T LOOK MUCH LIKE A POTTER EITHER

I’m not I’m a King Hunter King

Wally wails loudly and throws his long arms around Hunter who is unsure of what to do so just pats him lightly on the back

“OH YOU’RE A KING EVEN BETTER MY SON”

 

Nate Cropper as it turns out wasn’t as big as a super doctor than he first thought, because he didn’t know that people could feel so green and under the whether that it causes them to turn into toads, and thankfully he no longer had to worry of such things because as it turns out he can now play the toad as part of his toad in the hole.

 

Salt is in a panic with the two toads hopping around while Irene swoops around on her broomstick crackling. Irene’s crackle grows ever so more loudly when Brody is greeted and nearly crushed by the huge dinner party of wart faced women that have all hopped on down from the dragons outside and have now entered into his restaurant Irene’s sisterhood has finally turned up for their dinner slash masterful take over chat of the human race.

Brody hands them each a menu but as the head witch Morag had advised them earlier none of the meals on offer would be as tasty as their packed lunches, of dug up worms and long legged spiders and cockroaches.

Brody takes it on himself to just run away and go and hide in the kitchen. The chills that those women give the freaked out Chef has him shivering so much that he’s turned on the ovens to their full maxed heat just so he can rid himself of the gooebumps that edge their way up his arms.

 

The postman hands Chris a flat carded looking letter.

 

“No, no mate I think you have the wrong house we are meant to be having a package”

“Yeah that’s it please don’t start complaining Mister I’m on the late shift because of strikes witch sighting have been reported how nutty does that sound? and I really want my bed so….”

“Ok I did not ask for your life story I was just wanting bigger that’s all” Chris says shrugging.

“Don’t we all?” the postman answers before walking away.

 

Chris turns to a smirking Matt on the sofa.

“Haha Matthew very childish indeed”

“Chris for all the tea in china will you just open our package so I can go back to watching Dragonball Z please?”

“Yeah sure but Matty baby it’s not going to be a baby of any sorts”

“Could be a packet of jelly babies” Matt smiles and Chris rips and then sighs.

“Wow thanks you don’t like it?” Mat asks looking hurt.

Chris holds the photo of both their smiling faces up a photo of them on holiday in Spain.

“Yes it’s great but that photo its missing one thing” Chris says sadly.

Matt edges closer to him and puts his arm around him.

“Don’t worry I’m not sure when or how we will get ourselves a kid but I know one thing it will happen for us”

Chris leans forwards and kisses Matt and feels a vibration in his pants.

“Oooh my oh its my phone, hey its Oliva she says could I go over and help her with a my golly gosh A TIME MACHINE” Chris jumps to his feet and dashes out of the door

Have fun then oh and I will get this picture hung up somewhere shall I for when you get back from fighting the dinosaurs Matt calls as the front door slams.

 

   

 

 

 

              

     

        

   

[pembie]

Thanks again for the comments Its good to have fans

Chapter 9

 

Having resorted to baking some gingerbread biscuits Brody starts to sweat. Maybe he has miss judged this seemly good idea of locking himself in the huge spic and span over polished moped kitchen of Salt. The witches who are heard to be crackling on the other side of the giant slivered doors are merrily using the restaurant as their base of operations of conjuring up countless mixtures of deadly magical potions.  Brody hears footsteps approaching from just outside. Footsteps that are so eerie that they send a spine tingling shiver throughout his very bones. Brody can only wait with baited breath and just hope that maybe he can go unnoticed amongst the mounts of his well stocked up kitchen of food that has all turned rotten and shrivelled with out breaks of mould plastered upon it. Mould that started to show within moments of the darkness that came as part of the large coven of witches that are now looming over the sunny town of Summer Bay..

Brody tries his best to bring his heavy breathing under control as the evil crackling fits of scariness looms ever so nearer.

 

Matt wipes the sleep from his eyes as he stumbles his way down the stairs, he can hear the loud tap, tap tapping rattle of a large tree branch that within the shadows of twilight look to be that of a bony finger against the door. Matt laughs lightly he has told Chris to get his nails cut shorter he would remind Chris of that fact the next time he saw him. Matt doesn’t realise that seeing Chris’s happy face again just might not be that possible not if he chooses to answer that call at the door that is.

 

The blacken fur of their coated bodies blankets their movements. Only the glow from their yellowed eyes can be seen dotted around high on top of the beaches pier. The large groups of the witches’ pet dragons watch on gliding mere inches above the gathering of jet black cats.

 

Tori Morgan has fought her way through sudden shocking and hard downpours of what seemed to be fish and locusts not to mention large droplets of acid rain that scorched her skin slightly. But now Tori’s finally arrived looking like she’s been dragged through a hedge backwards. But surely that doesn’t matter  she’s a person who has good banter, so maybe her dates Nate and Ash wouldn’t turn out to be total slime balls and would let it slide that she was at this moment in time looking like Worzel Gummidge’s sister. Tori ducks down low as she spots Irene swooping towards her, spotting the good doctor Irene bends down to pick what looks to be a big fat green toad from off one of the tables and chucks the toad at Tori. Tori understandable screams to high heaven at having the small reptile smack her right in the face.

 

Brody can hear the screams from his sister coming through loud and clear as he peers from behind a well structured built tower of piled cherry tomatoes. If one of those insane wart wormed faced old hags was thinking of maybe getting the bright idea of maybe breaking through  his fortress, his kitchen she would be cherry bombed before she had her chance of getting wicked with him. Brody thought this hen’s night of old hags was showing the most bizarre behaviour. 

 

“Kiss it girly don’t just gawk at it Irene advises Tori who just stares back at the  woman who used to serve her milkshakes at the diner had she gone completely bonkers?

You what Irene, I’m a doctor and it wouldn’t be at all wise to be going around kissing toads very unhygienic in my professional opinion.”

 

“KISS IT HOW ELSE ARE YOU MEANT TO FIND AND BOND WITH YOUR MAN SLAVE? SISTER MORAG WE SEEM TO HAVE GAINED OURSELVES ANOTHER CANDIDATE FOR OUR COVEN” shouts Madge Wilkins   

 

Morag kind of swishes down from the huge stage where bands often perform within days and times of normality at Salt

 

“Where on earth have been you silly wrench? Too, lazy to climb out of your bathtub of mealworms too busy washing your hair in slimy bogeys? Morag asks glaring at Tori over the brim of her glasses.

“No of course not who would choose to a mad thing like that” Tori looks aghast  

“Have you hit your noggin with a pumpkin where’s your wand?” Morag demands to know

“Oh and get on with it go kiss a frog” Morag then turns towards a very loud booming voice.

 

“MORAG FLAMING HELL YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE IN CITY. WHAT JUMPING JACK IN THE BOXES HAVE YOU BEEN DOING? Alf shouts having just woken from his incredibly long and drunken doze. (he hadn’t been forgotten about honestly and fallen into one of those things you might consider to be a plot hole)  

“I already told you Alfred ridding the world of scrum and pests with my crack down team of highly trained witches, now shut up and start grovelling for your very survival”

“Hogan’s Ghost” Alf mutters falling to his hands and knees.

“What about him?” Morag questions but as she does the other witches kind of pull back in fear.

“His the legendry witch hunter  the one who invented the timey rimey stopwatch enabling any wizard to open the gateway to our doomed existence”

“Yes thank you very much for that insight Madge Wilkins but that’s just gossip there’s no proof of such watch existing” Morag says glaring but then instantly crackles then turns and presents Tori with a toad to kiss.

 

“THIS MY SON I HAVE BEEN  HUNTING THROUGHOUT TIME AND SPACE AND YES I HAVE LEFT MANY DUPLICATES  OF MYSELF LOST WITHIN TIME WHILE COLLECTING ENOUGH OF THESE TIME TRAVELLING WATCHES FOR YOU ALL TO WEAR. I HAVE SO MANY DUPLICATES BY NOW OF MYSELF THAT I OFTEN HEAR PEOPLE SHOUT WHERE’S WALLY?” Wally says throwing his arms out wide in excitement.

“Cool what brand are watches?” VJ asks.

“ITS TIMELESS THE WATCH OF IMMORTALITY” Wally says simply before turning to face Hunter.

“TO HELP GUIDE YOU ALONG THE WAY” Wally says placing a very strong bow in Hunter’s hairy hobbit hands.

“I’m sorry Dad I have just met you, and I’m sorry but shouldn’t we go for maybe a coffee or something first? Before you know the heavy stuff, your kind jumping in at the deep end here” Hunter says worriedly.

“DO YOU WANT TO GO FOR A COFFEE DRESSED LIKE AN ELF?” Wally questions raising his eyebrow.

“Ah fair point but what are we doing really? You bring us upstairs show us Leah’s old washing machine that I have seen like so many times and then you give us each a really tatty old half chewed watch and….”

“HUNTER MY SON WE HAVE COVERED THIS HEART TO HEART CHAT COUNTLESS TIMES BEFORE. MAYBE I HAVEN’T HAD THIS CHAT WITH YOU BECAUSE I HAVE OFTEN BEEN CONFUSED AS WHICH ONE OF YOU WERE MY SON. BUT NEVER THE LESS SO LETS CUT TO THE CHASE AND LET ME SAY YOUR MOTHER CHARLOTTE SHE WAS A WITCH”

Hunter lunges forwards shaking his fist at the old man

“HOW VERY DARE YOU SPEAK OF HER IN THAT WAY I LOVED HER”

“Oh so did I” VJ says gazing around dreamily earning him a sharp nudge in the ribs from Billie.

“I thought I was the only one who had eyes for you VJ?”

“Oh you are my little coco pop” VJ says hugging her tightly.

“NO HUNTER YOUR MUM SHE WAS REALLY WITCH, AND SHE WAS KILLED FOUR TIMES IN FACT. STONED TO DEATH BURNED AT THE STAKE.  THROWN TO THE BOTTOM OF LAKEFEET STRAPPED TO A LARGE BOUDLER TO SEE IF SHE COULD FLOAT AND SHE SANK AND THEN IN RECENT YEARS SHE WAS SHOT. STUBBORN SHE IS NEVER STAYS DEAD ALWAYS RETURNS. AS ALL WITCHIES DO BUT WE WIZARDS ARE HERE TO SAFE GUARD THE EARTH FROM THEIR EVIL” Wally stops talking and turns.

“Oh don’t stop the monologue on my account. But my goodness doesn’t Gandalf here like the sound of his own voice? Hi I’m Chris your time machine expert. Oooooh so is that it?”

Everyone turns towards the the washing machine and then Chris jumps excitedly forwards.

“Oooooh what does that knob do?

“NO DON’T PUSH THAT” Wally screams.

 

Stream has started to rise from the floor, its that hot with the ovens and Brody has stripped on down to his Bart Simpson boxer shorts. His very impressive plumped out fluffy beard has sizzled down to a moist sweat bush.

“BRODY OOOOOH BRODY COME OUT COME OUT DARL” Irene coos from the other side of the door.

“Errrr stock check Irene it’s going take me awhile” Brody then jumps as Irene starts to prize the door open with her long broomstick. Then the snap happens and Irene turns her sharpen pointed nose towards him and then crackles with laughter.

“Come my girlies lets have some witchy fun with this very nice chef” Irene beckons some of her haggard wart nosed freaks to follow her into the kitchen who advance forwards smiling wickedly. 

 

Matt gazes outside to find nobody on the doorstep, but there’s a very apparent rustling sound coming loudly from the brushes.  

 

“Hello who’s there Chris?” Matt calls out into the dark whispering night Then he hears the female voice it sounds very distant and lost amongst the aggressive growling sounds that accompany it. Matt edges back inside slightly and grabs at the resting skateboard behind the door. Matt then stands holding it defensively above his head Matt Page suddenly becomes very aware that might have been the mistake that triggered his downfall, because leaving his face open to a sudden slashing attack had him at the mercy of the sharp clawed beast that had just lunged at him. Matt’s vision goes red and foggy and all he can see is the long stream of blood that gushes from his open wound as it runs  his face. Everything goes hazy and Matt falls to his knees and topples forwards into the depths of the dark and dangerous night.

   

 

 

 

              

     

        

   

[pembie]

Hope you all like this one

Chapter 10

 

“Ladies, now come on the kitchen is strictly off  limits Everybody knows this I’m famously known to have golden trade secrets when it comes to my cooking.” Brody says as he peers around the very wobbly cherry tomatoes balanced tower. Brody is making sure that he gently removes the tomato from the bottom of the tower. Quite like a huge jenga block, as  a chef who is respected widely throughout his team of staff Brody doesn’t want to run the risk of causing that  tomato tower to tumble and fall. No because then he may get spattered in tomato juice and spend the rest of the evening looking like he may have taken part in a very bloody  and violent massacre.  

 

“But come now darl we have only come to gander at what’s on your specials selection for us” Irene says smiling, awhile attempting to master a supermodel cat walk. Irene had to make use out of the fishnet tights she was wearing, and she didn’t need to be a witch to know that seeing a woman in fishnets tights was one of the biggest weaknesses for men to have to deal with. Irene had learnt of such things from having to suffer through some of the very strange and frankly totally bonkers dating shows that Chris begged her to watch with him sometimes.

 

But Brody Morgan’s mind was not one to be swayed by female swagger. No the bearded chef seemed hell bent on tossing those little red cherry bombed tomatoes as fast as his arms would allow.  Irene and the other witches crackle as they sarcastically give each of the flying tomatoes looks of mocked terror. The pit within Brody’s stomach starts to knot as he comes to realise that the scary looking wart women weren’t at all backing off. The women with their pointy large hats were drawing ever so closer, and by the looks of evil intent stretched across their faces Brody feels very nervous indeed.

 

Remembering back to when he was a child and the sheer thrill he felt at chopping at large orange carrots just like the ones Bugs Bunny liked so much. Brody hears his Mother warn him that knifes of dangerous things, do not run with them never throw or stab anyone with them. Yes they had been very wise warnings from his Mother but when a group of women who have noses so pointed that they could give Pinocchio’s  a run for his money. Not to mention the wide gummy toothless mouths that some of these women had. Brody was feeling certain he was in some kind of peril here and that nice shiny gleaming meat cleaver over on the side was starting to looking inviting.

 

Irene has reached the towering tomato block and with one huge swishing action with her warty bony hand she pops them in splattering from head to toe covering Brody in the slimy redness. Brody pops up from his crouching like a startled mole like he had just been taking part in a game of whack a mole. After some short moments of stunned silence Brody dashes across the kitchen towards the meat cleaver. Now it’s most difficult for Brody to run at the best of times, but running with nothing else on but his Bart Simpson boxer shorts leaves him feeling rather exposed, and that is why the sweaty chef chooses to safe guard his Bart Simpson boxer shorts with a somewhat ironed fisted grip. Brody wasn’t a man who considered himself at being at all good at reading the signals behind the female’s agenda of their seedy vulgar desires. But Brody thinks its wise to make sure without doubt that the elastic of  his colourful underpants stay firmly fasten around his never regions.  

In the distance Brody can hear the musical purring of a mass of cats as they free style a very unique version of The Adams Family’s theme tune song. Never before had Brody felt such doom at hearing that song, but he was coming around to the idea that this whatever was happening here was something bigger than just your standard hen’s night gone wildly out of control.

 

Taking up the meat cleaver Brody challenges Irene and the other witches to a showdown. Not one of those legendry ones no who would be talking about the man in his Simpsons pants in years to come Brody shudders to even think.

Irene wisps her magic wand from somewhere in the depths of her cobwebby cape and points it before her attended victim.

“Ooooooh look darls Brody roady wants to play. If I don’t end up blowing him to Ireland what’s say we seek ourselves a nice little potion  for him to try he looks like he might need a drink” Irene crackles, as do the other women causing the sound of their laughter to sound like a very spooky choir.        

 

Outside Tori was feeling the peer pressure as the witches gather around her. Banging their broomsticks loudly in a thunderous clap against the floor as they stalk around her making their circle grow ever so more tightly. The witches are all awaiting for the instant that Tori’s lips would brush up against the tiny slimy lips of Morag’s out stretched offered toad.

 

“I have heard that licking a toad can make you high, how about I do that instead?” Tori asks. The huddled hunchbacked  group of witches all stop their entwined collective stammer of banging broomsticks and only gaze back wide eyed at Tori’s request. The silence is all Tori needs to understand that she had made a spectacle of herself and brought a huge shadow of one thought and that one thought was that she was one big wimpy chicken, and she should be well and truly ashamed of herself. Tori sighs grabs the rest of Alf’s fireball whisky, downs the bottle in one and quickly grabs the toad. Puckers up and gives it one big wet snog. The toad is surprisingly a very good kisser with his quick darting tongue actions in and out of her mouth. Then there is a bright flash and….Nate cropper stands before the mind blown Tori Morgan. That toad version’s  kiss of Nate’s had been just so dazzling to the young doctor’s senses, That Tori feels like she has just followed suit with the cow and teaspoon and jumped right over the moon. Nate meanwhile looks rather frazzled, his normally well kept hair shoots off in all maddening directions his breath stinks of bugs and he feels like he is standing on well tall slits having had just been hopping around on matchstick legs of a toad for the last God knows how long. Given the writer of this story has the whole timeline of this madness all out of whack. Nate tries to speak only in the hope of perhaps breaking through the orgasmic look of awed pleasure that has washed over Tori’s expressed features.  

 

“Blah, blah, blah, ripit…… why hello there tell me do you come here often?” Nate finally manages to say as he aimlessly gazes around the room. By the looks of the dark cloaked evil glinted eyed women going about the room, Nate thinks that yes he should indeed come here much more often, and as if on impulse he pulls his doctoring Dictaphone out from his pants pocket and advises himself that he would make sure that he came here for a night on the pull. Tori open her eyes and frowns with utter repulsive horror on her face at the man standing before her. Nate very much reminds her of her Ken doll and she remembers giving that doll to Buddy and oh how that dog had enjoyed gnawing that pouncy doll’s head off before burying it in the deepest hole outside amongst the Morgan’s potted planted garden.

 

“Now its time for a little of magical love dust” crackles the witch who stands behind Nate A pink powdered dust is flung out into the air and rains down upon Nate, then Tori witnesses the huge bulging red love hearts that elope the whiteness of his eyeballs..

“Huber, huber who’s here for chicken dinner?” Nate says staggering forwards. He soon takes Tori around the waist and that’s when his eyes pop out on their storks and then they are kissing and then…..Tori has swiped Nate’s legs from under him and now he is laying on the ground rubbing his sore bottom.

“Oooooh no my God no thank you your hideous” Tori says turning. The gathered witches around her start to crackle wildly, and soon Tori joins them Nate really does look like a sad case of affairs laying at their heels rubbing his bum. 

 

“OOOOOOWWWWWWW oh man I’m hurt. I’m really, really and I mean really, really hurt my goodness I’m…”

 

“Matt when you’re finally finished rolling around in the grass and let’s hope that’s quite soon because I can hear the sprinklers switching on, I have something to give you”

“Evie is that you the sheer pain from you attacking me and gashing my face with your sharp nails has blinded me ooooh my eyes…”

“Matt get up…. here” Evie says holding her hand out for him to take.

 

“Chris said you were looking for a baby and to show that I have no hard feeling for you running away with him I would like to…..Oh but you mustn’t over feed it and it gets very overexcited if you get it  wet” Evie says mysteriously

 

“What is it a Gremlin?” Matt asks.

 

“Don’t be silly Matt it’s a panda” Evie answers rolling her eyes at Matt’s sheer silliness.  

 

“Come again Evie I thought you just said panda”

 

“It’s a baby panda Matt very aggressive sometimes, as you have already found out” Evie says laughing slightly as Matt checks his very tender gaping gashed bloody face caused by the panda’s claws.  

 

“Oh cheers Evie a baby panda what every ex girlfriend gives as a good will gift”

 

“Hey it was either the panda or a brick from the school I’m helping to build in Africa at the moment”

 

“Thanks a brick how thoughtful, but I prefer the panda I think.” Matt says nervously as he reaches for the cage The panda angrily jangles the bars.

 

“Haha don’t you think that’s just the cutest thing ever? He jangles the bars that’s why we call him Mr Bojangles” Evie says handing Matt the cage of the bear who seems to have some very serious anger issues.  

 

“Now then Chris says I can stay until you get him potty trained”

 

Matt looks slightly taken back.

 

“I hope that Chris is potty trained already”

 

“The panda bear I meant the blooming bear Matt”

 

Matt sighs as Evie pushes passed him and then glances to Mr Bojangles.

 

“Well I guess you can call me daddy”

The panda growls in response.

 

“NO HUNTER YOUR MUM SHE WAS REALLY WITCH, AND SHE WAS KILLED FOUR TIMES IN FACT. STONED TO DEATH BURNED AT THE STAKE.  THROWN TO THE BOTTOM OF LAKEFEET STRAPPED TO A LARGE BOUDLER TO SEE IF SHE COULD FLOAT AND SHE SANK AND THEN IN RECENT YEARS SHE WAS SHOT. STUBBORN SHE IS NEVER STAYS DEAD ALWAYS RETURNS. AS ALL WITCHIES DO BUT WE WIZARDS ARE HERE TO SAFE GUARD THE EARTH FROM THEIR EVIL” Wally stops talking and turns.

“Oh don’t stop the monologue on my account. But my goodness doesn’t Gandalf here like the sound of his own voice? Hi I’m Chris your time machine expert. Oooooh so is that it?”

Everyone turns towards the the washing machine and then Chris jumps excitedly forwards.

“Oooooh what does that knob do?

 

“HEAVENS FORBID CHRIS DO NOT I SAY FOR THE millionth MILLIONTH  TIME NOW DON’T PUSH THAT KNOB” Wally makes a praying gesture as if pleading with the seemly over excited puppy that was Chris Harrington.

 

“Oooooh but its sooooooooooooooooooo shiny” Chris says hopping from foot to foot. 

 

“I DON’T CARE JUST STAY AWAY FROM IT” Wally instructs.

 

“Well Olivia called Chris because she thinks he is a time machine genius and I tend to agree. Chris can quote each and every line of Back To The Future VJ adds.

 

“That’s quite right Chris knows his time machines” Olivia says nodding along in agreement.

 

“That’s only a washing machine though Billie says sighing it was nearly time to go and feed Luc.

 

Wally tenses up.

 

“CHRIS YOU’RE GOING TO PRESS THAT KNOB ALL THE SAME YOU DO IT EVERY TIME, AND EVERYONE LETS YOU BECAUSE I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO REMEMBERS BECAUSE I’M A WIZARD.”

 

“Are you sure dad because you seem to be only a really crappy con man, who seems to think that Leah VJ’s moany mum has a magical washing machine. Don’t you think that instead of screaming like a banshee at everything that she might just go back and turn back time until she’s happy with everyone?  Then there’s these watches that can rewind time by minutes or seconds their just bit of tat aren’t they?” Hunter says shrugging.

 

“Hey Leah’s ok” Billie protests.

 

“Yeah as long as she’s sleeping am I right VJ?” Hunter asks turning to find VJ frowning at him.

 

“Wow you could cut the tension with a knife in here couldn’t you?” Chris says edging ever so closer to the expected washing machine. Wally soon triggers what Chris is up to and blocks him.

 

“DON’T CHRIS PLEASE”

 

“Oh and why’s that then?” Chris asks eyeing Wally with sheer desperation he just really wants to push that shiny knob. To Chris the need is the same as anyone who dreams of a toilet when they are dying for a wee.

 

“BECAUSE CHRIS BY PUSHING THAT KNOB YOU HAVE TRAPPED US ALL IN A FREAKING TIME LOOP”

 

“Oh You’re such a wally, Wally it says here above the knob rinse and repeat.”

 

Wally fixes Chris with a look of pure pity.

 

“YES AND THAT’S WHAT WE HAVE BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST HOUR OR SO  RINSING AND REPEATING. NOW THEN AS I WAS SAYING  WE ARE ALL DESTINED HERE TO BECOME WITCH HUNTERS.”

 

“Oh no I have baby duties to be seeing too” Billie says going off to wake Luc up from her nap.

 

WALLY SIGHS.

 

“COMMITMENT PEOPLE PLEASE” Wally says throwing his hands up and walking away from Chris. Who dashes forward taking his chance.

 

“Oh what’s this knob do?”

Wally turns runs over to Chris and shoves him inside the washing machine. Sighing he leans back against the machine.

 

“Hey you can’t just go throwing Chris into the washing machine. VJ go get him out” Olivia screams  

 

“Why me”

 

“It’s your mums machine VJ”

 

VJ wanders on over and to be honest can hardly make heads or tails of the buttons the machine is very old.

 

“Ah open yes that says open” VJ looks back to friends just as he goes and presses the button there’s a whirling noise followed by a loud heavy splash.

 

“Oh no guys I think I have put Chris on a main wash cycle”

 

The door to the washing machine suddenly opens but Chris has vanished.