A Christmas Story

[pembie]

Title: A Christmas Story

Type of Fic: Short/Medium

Main Characters: VJ, Billie and their donkey

Genre: Comedy

BTTB Rating:  A

Does it contain spoilers: No

Warnings: ADULT THEMES!

Summary: A Christmas Story

 

Chapter 1

VJ’s eyes popped open and its then, there and here he realises that the time has come That wonderful and glorious heavenly time that he and Billie have been dreaming and dreading of for so long, well nine long drawn out months of unknown blissful peace that VJ and Billie have unknowingly taken for granted for now is the time to weep in its reward.  VJ listens to the loud panting just off to the side of him. He remembers with clarity that huge sheepish grin he had given Billie when his condom had spilt with a earth shaking rip, and the words he had spoken had been opps a daisy. Billie had moaned loudly at this which VJ had taken to be a very good sign, in which to say hey never mind let’s throw caution to the wind and carry on testing out how well these bed strings hold up. While seeming a good idea back then and even upon hearing those words you’re pregnant from the doctor nothing could have prepared VJ for the reality of jumping up and knocking over his bedside lamp jumping out of bed and stumping his toe on some bad carpentry of a poking up floor broad.  He was going to be a father.

“VJ!!!!!!!!!!” Billie fill out roars as VJ hops around on one foot looking for the light switch, but to be fair there’s a huge of highly brightly lit star shining in through their window tonight golden and sparkly.

 

“Billie I will fetch you a glass of water you have ingestion right?” VJ asks with high hope in his voice.

“Wishful thinking Veej I feel like I’m going to burst” Billie answers panting heavily.

“Really well I guess you did stuff yourself silly at dinner.”

“Yes that’s it I’m bloated problem solved sleep easy now VJ” Billie answers with a killing hint of menace glossed over with its normal amount of sexiness that often made VJ weak at the knees.   

“Oh good phew so your not in anyway shape or form in labour?” VJ says coming to sit himself down at the foot of the bed where he patted Billie’s foot gently.

 

“Veej now don’t be alarmed when I say this”

“Ok Bill I won’t be I promise.” VJ answers but he has a ever so slow building worry starting to tie his stomach into little nagging loops and knots. If he didn’t start to clam down, soon there would be a cheeky uppma loompa or tummy pixel performing somersaults.

 

“Bitch alert VJ” Billie says simply.

“A what alert?” VJ thought of his mum then she would be happily enjoying herself at her spa weekend with Irene and Marilyn.

“It means I am about to be cruel to you but still do it with loving attentions Billie explains.

VJ nods but honestly he could see Billie’s face glistening with golden star shining sweat he knew what she was about to say…

 

“OF COURSE I’M IN ****ING LABOUR” Billie screams across at him.

 

“Oh Christ in a manger”  VJ shouts out.

Of course it would happen tonight with temperatures down to sub zero the whole of the ironically named town of Summer Bay being covered in a white thicken blanket of deep, deep snow

“VJ where are you going?” Billie asks suddenly  

VJ looks back as he dashes off through the bedroom door

“To defrost the car it will be like a ice box out there Look lively grab your stuff we are in labour”

 

Brody Morgan the milkman pulls back at the reins of the donkey. The early morning milk round of his freshly miked donkey milk as reached its snowy end. VJ and Billie Patterson are his last on his list Brody dismounts carefully his donkey is probe to buck you off if you weren’t too gentle with him. Brody tumbles to the snow wobbly upon his feet, pats his donkey on the neck gives it a mint in which the donkey came close to snapping his fingers off and it would have, if it hadn’t been for him taking his hand away to wave at VJ, who smiled at him as he made his way over to his garage which took a age to open because of its frozen hinges.

 

Brody’s eyes have widened as the sheer screams of Billie echo on down from the brightly lit bedroom window within its golden star glow. The star itself looks as huge as the sun and shines oh so brightly in the sky almost like a beacon of some importance you could say.

“Ooh Mr VJ” Brody calls out.

VJ who sits shivering inside and revving his cars engine fights to open the ice encased frozen fitted door when he does open it the door drops off.

“Yes what is Brody?” VJ asks sighing.

“Your girlfriend she’s on the way”

VJ looks to the front door of the house looking startled Billie hovers there in the doorway like a giant inflated balloon.

“Babe some slightly bad news” VJ laughs half heartily Billie gazes to the broken car door lying in the snow with a puffy face she tosses the hospital over night bag over to car.

“The car’s battery has died” VJ simply says

“Oooooh VJ I need to push this little bugger out”

“Fight the force too Billie you’re my Star Trooper you can do it” VJ says.

Brody raises his eyebrows in a questioning manner

“The car?” Brody asks

“Billie’s she’s having a baby I mean can you christing believe it? its like good lord Bill I call us a taxi”

 

Billie lets out a animal mating call of agony drops to her knees and drags her way through the snow over to Brody’s somewhat dopey looking donkey. Billie then throws herself over the side of the donkey and lies there slumped across the donkeys saddle.

“VJ come on I’m a woman in great pain here donkey ride me over to Northern Districts hospital will you please?”

“Oh no, no, no you can’t take my donkey she’s my best milker” Brody protests.

“Please mate I can pay you”  

“Oh what with?” Brody asks, VJ ponders this for just a mere moment.

“Loaves of freshly baked bread cooked and baked by the greatest chef in the world” VJ says thinking flattery would get him anywhere and everywhere and by gum he was right.

VJ runs quickly to his kitchen gathers the bread and then stands holding out armfuls of bread towards Brody who happily takes the generous offer of wheat goodness

 

“Why yeah that would be great hey wait a minute this greatest chef you speak of that’s me isn’t it? Brody asks

 

“Good then there’s no doubt in my mind that you will enjoy your own bread.”

Brody can only hear VJ’s pattering footfalls followed shortly by a  eeyore as VJ jumps onto the donkeys back, which was a grave mistake because as VJ had jumped onto its back his foot had caught the donkeys side with a kick and now they were cantering away at top speed dashing  through the snow on a freaked out donkey and they weren’t in anywhere shape or form having any sort of fun as they go

[pembie]

A shorter chapter than I was expecting but hopefully its short but sweet its very daft

Chapter 2

The cold snaps of bitterness of the high gale winds creep their ways north, Seeping deep and gusty within VJ’s groined and chestnut regions. Making VJ long for a low burning log fire where he would be most content with roasting his chilled chestnuts to a more acceptable and manageable temperature than sub zero.

Its hard to believe the almost frozen temperatures given the outlook of the golden desert’s sands beneath the donkeys plodded footfalls. VJ shifted his balanced weight to best his position, so he can grab his choice of head scarf to wear to counter against the whipping grains of sand, that might just blind you if you are caught unprepared in one of the frequently violent sand storms that so often blew their way across the landscapes. A side effect of the highly controlled bombing that had been issued in by a very well respected army official named and most certainly shamed as Miss Kat Chapman  to destroy the cancer cluster epidemic around the bay. The result being the bombing had wiped out most of the population, much quicker than any cancer would have managed to do so ironically. The small town was left with a eerie sort of loneliness and emptiness feel to its atmospheric strange aftershock world where very strange weather patterns kept randomly happening.

 

VJ is busy throwing Billie the rolling eye but no such luck she has already cottoned on to his dismay of her having packed their sandals.

“Don’t worry babe you can wear your baby blue flip flops if the time comes for us to walk, now come on YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ARRRRRRR giddy up” Billie slaps the donkey’s rear end with sheer intensely that only a heavily pregnant woman can surely muster up. VJ feels the donkey lurch its way forwards and off the galloped towards their guided shining star, which has dimmed ever so slightly amongst the many other million upon million sparkles of star dusted lights of the night’s sky. Gripping on with a thunder throbbing iron cased iron fisted hold to the saddle and flimsy reins, VJ cursed each time he felt his bum cheeks redden as they slap themselves hard against the leather padded donkey top of the range luxury travel seating To make matters worse he could also hear the shrill back seat driver instructions from Billie to miss the wide open sand dune potholes.

 

Leah Patterson shivers as she hurdles herself around the small campfire. Irene Roberts looks to her with a I think our lovely Marilyn here has finally lost the plot kind of gesture. Good old Maz has just told them both some very startling news she’s just been having a natter to someone who choose for some odd reason to chat with her within the burning flames of their campfire This burning chat was about a sin of a dog or was that God Marilyn wasn’t sure she was all of a flutter, and when she is meet only with a baa baa from one of the many sheep that are dotted around this mountainside Marilyn does the only logical thing she can think of to do and that’s to throw more logs onto the fire in the hope of her chatty cathy burning Guy Fawkes friend  of making a returning appearance.

 

Irene looks up to see the farmer is running towards them The young fellow had graced them with his stinky presence upon their entry to what she and Leah could quite see wasn’t at all a spa. But as  good old Maz pointed out, the open air was natures very own spa fill of treatments such as getting a mud pack face mask right after stepping into a big pile of sheep poo and tripping over lovely.

“Here ladies you don’t mind looking to my flocks do you while me and my Missy Roo have a good old thrashing at  How’s your father?”

“MATT STOP YOUR FARMING FOR JUST A FEW MOMENTS AND COME GIVE ME A GOOD PLOUGHING” Roo shouts from the farm house upon top of the mountain.

Farmer Matt blushes.

“Fine darl we can watch your flocks as we wash our socks by night” Irene says eyeballing their soggy low hanging dripping socks hanging from a washing line above their heads.

“God bless you three oh so wise women of this so silent night” Matt says before dashing away to see to popping Roo’s womanly firecracker.

 

Billie has asked VJ if they can stop to rest she has a craving for that yummytastic looking berry pie that VJ Oh so kindly baked for her, and VJ being the son of Leah Patterson she had once been known as a kickass cook. So of course VJ would follow in her footsteps there was no chance of Billie getting totally smacked off her tits from eating wild picked berries and no chance at all of Billie getting as high as a man on a very long pogo stick.. But VJ gulps when Billie turns to him and tells him that she’s just seen a angel with a cute smile and a cute little head tilt and his told her she’s still a virgin. Bloody Mary that’s what I could drink right now VJ thinks upon hearing this news

[pembie]

Thanks for all your comments

Chapter 3

King Ash is a man  that thinks himself of being high stead, and there’s no wonder he thinks himself above others within his kingdom, given his very silkily flow of golden locks of girly hair. When King Ash isn’t busy shampooing and bathing within the kingdoms massive styled bath fountains in which keeps his hair all long and youthful, King Ash is very well equipped at making a right tit of things, given his fly off the handle stormy bad tempered episodes of laughable outbursts of rage, that has the courts jesters rolling around laughing, but also shaking with a watchful very careful eagled eyed gaze, because even given the comedy that the king brings them his very handy with a bow and arrow, and you better believe this when I tell you popping crackers at Christmas time King Ash looks  very oh so fearsome sat upon high on his good old stead of a reindeer called Rudolph.

Ash with his arrow carefully drawn back peeking on through all the Christmassy looking pine trees of the forest, you wouldn’t like him to catch you laughing at him that’s for sure.

Today is Sunday the best day suited to venture out on one of those oh so jolly king hunts. There is plenty out here in the great outdoors of the castle to be hunted animals, wanted posters of a very shady looking fellow with dark stylish floppy hair having gone on the run for something or other. King Ash’s elite  advisors had ensured the golden billowy swishy smoothed haired king that the crime committed was something that could not go unpunished. Ash had given his stamp of approved with grunt and flex of his muscles and left the palace guard to the great game of seeking out the oh so floppy haired one.

 

King Ash has been advised by his little son Heath more importantly before he took to the snowy outbreaks of this very windy wonderland of deep snowfalls, that there was the chance of even the catching of a very legendary known creature known as the abominable snowman. Rumoured though that this snowman wasn’t of the kind that you could decorate his tummy with little chocolate buttons, and god help you if you tried to stick him in the face with a sharp pointy carrot. This snowman Heath had said was to be a right grumpy bottom of undesirable puffs of snowballs. Gone was his great cheer of Christmas delight. The stories that Heath has foretold Ash have filled with sheer dread. Heath shakes his tiny head and goes on to tell Ash that yes once his large red suit symbolised good cheer and merrily good tidings, but now it carried with it fear of blood and angry, angry rage.

Never for one second has Ash realised it might be because of another of his good old hunting trips that has brought upon Santa’s great downfall, with Ash hunting and capturing his number one reindeer for himself and then leaving Father Christmas out there all alone to freeze, Transforming the jolly old white bearded mince pie mucher and sherry grizzling man of Christmas joy into a pale snowman.

 

The other of Santa’s flaming reindeers had grown rather depressed without the life and soul to their Christmas party. Rudolph had been their shiny flashing bright candy cane of amusement, as they had all once flown through the Christmas night’s sky.

 

“Watch out for him dad” Heath warns as Ash walks out his son’s bed chamber. Heath was a good boy no trouble at all, not even one cursed word had once passed his lips. Ash just hoped that his sweetness would continue, but feared it would come to a halting stop upon the day Heath found out that Ash had had his mother Bianca beheaded, for only the simple but outrageous crime of asking Ash whether he preferred her or her sister April. Bianca now beheaded she sort of gotten her answer to her question, Ash pretended of course that he was heartbroken and ran into April’s arms for comfort. Heath had taken a shine to the young girl too. Ash has noticed this while witnessing Heath and April together while April babysat his son. Ash can only smirk; the boy has a glorious taste in women and follows in his fathers rightful footsteps. 

 

“Hark who goes there?” Ash speaks with his bow and arrow hoisted to his shoulder. The King can hear the sound of two voices by the sound of it they are tourists to these royal snowy wastelands, having crossed the sandy boarders.  Ash can hear outrageous pained like grasps from a young woman. The moans of having a sore bottom from a young chap and the sound of a donkeys hoofers smacking against the snowy ground as it tries its best to buck its riders from off its back.

 

Ash wanders away out from the deep cover of Christmas trees with the rest of his royal party of two other kings, that happened to be visiting and not at all trying their best to steal all of Ash’s gold while his back was turned.

 

“Oh my VJ bow we are in the company of three dashing handsome wise looking men” Billie mutters as she tries to bow her head to the three golden crowned cloaked men.

 

“We are the three King of some place or other. I am King Justin the king of wise cracks”

 Yeah I’m eh top geezer eh King Brax”  

“And I’m King Ash” Ash finished off.

 

Billie screams out with sudden pain. VJ pats her back sheepishly hoping to distract her, VJ had handed the donkey reins over to his lovely wife. Bad move it had turned her very grumpy this made Ash take a instant liking to her in a kind of oddly brotherly way.

 

VJ is about to speak when all of sudden the bitterness of the snow filled air is consumed by a very loud roaring shriek of a menacing shout of FLAMING HELLS. The sounds of these shouts are enough to give the three armoured kings men cause to alert their chime bells and clouded minds of mulled meads into actions.

 

Ash holds his bow strong and steady there’s a massive snowy dust cloud approaching, and within it there is a shape of what can be only be a bobble hat wearing man. The colour of red flashes through the mist and the growl of a long inflated raspberry can be heard or maybe that’s just fart, a fart that floats the smell of Brussel sprouts throughout the wintry winds of the snow flaked air.

 

“Phew VJ that stinks” Billie moans. Ash laughs this girl was funny.

“It wasn’t me it must have been the donkey” VJ says defensibly 

The donkey hears this and luckily for Billie having swapped positions with VJ given her mood. VJ sat back at the head of the donkey holding the reins. Having said sat seems quite fitting now because the donkey bucks and VJ goes flying headfirst into the waiting arms of a grumpy looking Santa. The old man has dropped his bag of Brussels spouts at the shock of VJ’s face hitting the fluffy softness of his huge fluffy red coat. 

Santa shivers eating brussel spouts had been Santa’s way of staying flaming warm. The power of a fart can go a long way in freezing conditions. Everyone tenses as they hear the reel of a fishing line being thrown out towards them. King Justin’s expression is one of utter shock as the small packet of marshmallows is yanked quickly from his rusty old armoured inter lockable metal pocket, then there is a spark and a fizzle as fire is quickly lit from two pieces of icicle but mainly from the cigar Santa had nabbed from the homeless sheltered stable down the road.

 

VJ staggers back and Santa turns his old balding head and screams and lurches forwards shouting all the humbugs under the sunless sky. Everybody can see that Santa was not a happy flaming chappy at all.

 

Billie reaches forwards to take Santa’s hand, and my oh my Santa does get very excited by this very prospect indeed. It fills him with such glee he does the one thing that most us blokes dread while being in the company of a very pretty breath taking babe of a woman, and that is to let out the most bomb blasting fart you can imagine, and that’s when the avalanche started

On 01/12/2017 at 19:14, Ludub said:

 and who is this 'angel' with the cocky little head tilt? (Is it who I think it is? ...Do I need to hunt for the answer? haha!) Weird, as always...

Oh I forgot to say your getting as good as me with these witty puns Well I have been a puntastic teacher

[pembie]

Chapter 4

The rumbly humbly crumbly ruddiness of the sheer whiteness of the descending avalanche havocs destruction and widespread mayhem as the billowing snow sweeps and rips the roots of many Christmas trees out of the ground, which is good and lessens the job for all you half cut sherry drinkers and turkey stuffing professionals out there, for when the time comes for your lovely wives to come asking, or so they claim to be with sweetness in their voices, but really they are demanding that you go out to get one of those freshly cut pine Christmas trees, even though they are far to massive to fit inside the normal sized living rooms of your already over the top Santa’s grotto’s prefect little Christmas dream home of sickening colour and joyful glee. You are but forced to pull onto your feet the one pair of singing bell a jingling black snow boats, with a axe that weights the same ton of that cheese that your bound to get in a so called Christmas deluxe cheese hamper, when really it’s the diner’s leftovers and scarps that the mice have already half chewed. This year be thankful there’s no need to sweat it like a pig while you chop through that bark of the tree and then have to worry that you’re stood in the wrong place when shouting timber as the tree falls. Luckily the trees are all ready and waiting with a dusted frosted snow coating to boot too very Christmassy. Its all thanks to a Brussels spouts farting Santa too now that’s what you call a Christmas miracle. What you don’t call a Christmas miracle though is having the hospital that you were travelling towards getting itself totally and utterly toppled over and smashed like a ton of Lego bricks.

 

VJ tuts given it was supposed to have been a guiding star that had been brought them here. It hadn’t been all it was built up to be. Unless you liked being up the creek without a icicle. VJ tries to suggest to King Ash that he parts ways with his big fluffy red and white kingy robe for a shivering Billie, but the king holds on tightly he is as snugly as a golden haired trout in that royally role.

VJ looks to Brax with the same silent suggestion. 

“Love to help eh but I have this bad boy image to keep up with my kingdom posse. Eh plus eh I’m bare chested underneath this robe and I might freeze my tits off.” Brax tilts his head towards King Justin who instantly starts to bumble and babble but in the end he throws down this robe for VJ to pick up and wrap around Billie.

 

“Now where do we go Billie’s going to explode soon” VJ asks the three clueless men of the lands.

“Gee thanks VJ very romantic way of describing giving birth” Billie says grimacing against the pain of some really bad stomach cramps. 

“Hello there” comes a long drawn rumble of a go happy voice.

“Oh my, I mean wow your banging fit you are” King Ash says before he tumbles from off Rudolph and somehow smacks his head off one of reindeers alters oh deer.

“Oh dear your head looks sore”

Ash looks up in amongst the tweeting spinning Christmas robins that were flying around his stunned dazed gaze he spots the most beautiful Christmas doctor dressed elf he has ever seen.

“You need an ice pack on that.” The oh so beautiful sparkly eyed elf angel says. Ash only smiles sheepishly.

 

“Ha looks as if King Ash is taking a wee in the snow” King Justin says laughing.

Yeah it does Nobody likes yellow snow idiot, here’s your ice pack” Brax happily lobs him down a big fat icy cold snowball.

Ash growls loudly as the snow hits his face these two are ruining his cool swagger way of flirting. 

 

The elf doctor having grown bored of this as wandered away to look at VJ’s donkey.

“Hey that’s my brothers donkey Buddy, where’s my brother what have you done with him?”

“Nothing I’m no outlaw cowboy” VJ says defensibly.

“Oh I’m in pain in real pain where can we stay?” Billie moans.

“Can we stay with you?” VJ asks the doctor elf woman.

“I literary don’t have any rooms to spare” the elf doctor says indicating no rooms in the fallen hospital.

 

Up to this point you might be thinking where on earth as farting Santa gotten too and in answer to that question there is but only one. The same place that my hankie has wandered off too. Its vanished and forgotten about and now all I’m left with is a very sticky and slimy keybroad…………………No not really but I had you going ewwwww for a few moments there I’m betting. Oh yes grumpy farty Santa there you are death staring Randolph for abandoning you and becoming King Ash’s bitch.. 

 

Billie utters the words snow plough ahead that has VJ wondering if his good wife isn’t but just imagining things within the realms of her baby birthing madness. But surely enough a big snow plough and it parks itself right next to VJ, and off jumps a man with many broads, and Brody the donkey travelling part time milkman, that VJ and Billie to be honest about it had conned Brody out of his donkey Buddy with loaves of his own  freshly made bread supply.

 

“Hello there people I’m Ben the builder and I can fix it.”

“He can but I can’t fix it” Brody says shaking his head.

“No he can’t see young Brody here doesn’t have what I like think of as the broad picture but we slot together like a good jigsaw”

“I cook it Ben builds it, using my masterpiece as a visual aid, like a jigsaw puzzle picture that you see on the front of the box.” Brody says proudly.

“Ooooh I just want somewhere to rest my weary head” Billie pleads.

“Ah and I want somewhere for my donkey to stay to keep warm. How about a stable Ben the builder?” Brody asks.

Ben nods his head, grabs his collection of long broads and awaits for Brody to uncover his pre made chocolate slightly wonky looking stable.

Ben then enters into fast build Lego man building mode and within seconds the stable is up and standing. Billie can finally give birth.

 

Irene’ Leah and Marilyn sit in amongst the sheep filled field of Farmer Matt and milkmaids Roo. The three women are as bored as can be and have taken too having a light but heavy doze, giving the sheep the chance to carry out the master plan of  escape inspired by the movie Chicken run. Shaun the pack leader of the sheep has informed his wolly flock that the plan in that movie is flawless.

 

Marilyn eyes flicker open to see the friendly ghostly looking blonde angel head tilting fellow wobbling his head towards the gate ramming sheep.

 

“Ooooh Leah, Irene we might need to get our inner Sheppard on here ladies”

 

A naked nervous looking farmer Matt looks out of his window opens it and throws down three lightsaber looking long Sheppard staffs.

 

“Eh good luck ladies” he calls from the window.

Irene goes straight for bonking one of the sheep on theirs head and the sheep actually growls at her and snaps its jaws biting the wooden Sheppard staff in two. Another of the sheep pushes Marilyn to the ground and another chases Leaharound the grassy farmland. Sheep are very scary creatures demons of the night beware of their woolliness.      

[pembie]

Thank you for your comments and I hope you all have a great Christmas

Chapter 5

VJ slid ever so gracefully from the bony back of Buddy denying the donkey any satisfying chance of bucking either him or Billie off into the mounts of snow below. VJ turns with his big surfer set of muscles outreached towards his beautiful, but very puffy pastry looking panting wife. VJ swoops Billie up in one fine whoosh and carries her towards the very sturdy looking barn that Builder Ben has just completed building. But before VJ can sweep Billie over the threshold of the sticky up naily floor of the stable, everybody is blinded by a huge white light. Builder Ben lets out a joyful cry of grunted manly glee to see his daughter Ziggy the world famous food critic there with her camera in hand smiling.

“Ooooh very impressive handy work there Dad you sure are the number one broad man of the whole of Australia. Ziggy says very proudly. The blondeness expert of all glorious tasting foods spots someone shyly hiding behind her father as Ben steps forwards. In fact Brody is blushing rosy cheeked like a beetroot as he flails and stumbles at Ben’s heels.

“It’s all Brody’s handiwork I just wouldn’t have a design model to work from without his cooking skills” Ben says pushing Brody to the forefront. 

“Ben come on now well I do hope of travelling around and making a name for myself within the cooking circles one day but please stop I’m blushing here.” Brody says while trying his dam hardest to hide his face away shyly with his hands.

“Oh Brody you just don’t understand my daughter here young Ziggy she’s a globe totting worldwide very famous food critic” Ben explains.

“Really?” Brody asks stepping out from within Ben’s shadow.

Ziggy nods beaming such a smile that has Brody wondering if his just peed his pants a little.

“Yes Mr Brody I can see from my dads craftsmanship of this well made stable that he wouldn’t have managed to get it looking so good without your talents you really have brought your tasty creation to life you just make it pop.”

“Why good gee whizz thanks Miss Zippy” Brody says.

“Its Ziggy Mr Brody” the young blonde woman corrects the brightly blushing chef.

“Go for it young chef after all you helped me with my building trade. Go give the world it’s your lobster for the cooking” Ben says patting Brody on the back.

“You never mentioned that you had a daughter that was a secret food critic” Brody adds punching Ben’s shoulder playfully.

“No I wouldn’t have either if you hadn’t helped me find my inner hammer time” Ben says swinging his golden hammer affectedly.

 

“Errr I hate to break up this little love fest but my Billie’s moaning out in agony here, and she’s chosen to speak to a golden haired head tilting angel for comfort instead of me too. I’m feeling as good as a dried up turkey here” VJ says

 

“Oh that’s Billie moaning is it eh? I thought it was one of the cows mooing eh” Brax says. VJ turns and sure enough there’s a large herd of mooing cows that have wandered on through the back door of the stable, probably because of the promise of getting shelter from the snow.

“There’s no room at this inn either it would seem” King Justin says most amused and starting to laugh.

“Come on everybody lets go in and budge up as you do Billie needs us so get ready to experience what it is like to be a stuffed turkey” VJ says fighting his way through the moos of disapproval VJ goes to Billie where he has laid her amongst the very handy placed haystacks that just happen to be there to act as some straw bedding. 

 

“King Brax sir” VJ calls out.

Brax turns from King Ash he was about to ask King Ash when he plans to take him n down into the deep vaults of his kingdom to show him all his kingy riches. Its very important to know when he is to distract King Justin with something very shiny so Brax himself can then rob King Ash of his gold filled vaults of wealth, but before Brax can ask this of Ash VJ has ordered the greedy king to stand guard of their stable

King Ash nods to Brax and follows King Justin into the cow shed where soon enough a young woman would be giving birth to just your bog standard baby if you were thinking that this baby was going to be the messiah no we already have that story inside a dusty old book.  Sorry to disappoint. But be aware that this baby will be very cute.

 

Meanwhile within the snowy landscape and hidden and concealed from sight there’s a eagled eyed watchful gaze seeking entrance to the stable’s back panelled wooden doors. This ever so eager beaver who has been on the lookout for such a good and convenient but also very smelly place to call their hideout lair for sometime now and a old cattle shed seems just the ticket. Also this discovery just couldn’t have come at a better time. News of a baby being born too would feed his addiction.

 

Josh Barrett was a wanted serial candy stealing from a baby high end criminal mastermind. Josh just couldn’t stop himself when it came to stealing candy from babies and when it came to such celebrations as their births; people often gave gifts of chocolates to the babies ever so glowing parents. Josh advances forwards pushing the flops of his hair away from his eyes the snowstorm is playing havoc with his hair, which was a bit of a downside for Josh given that last time he had seen the beautiful but very dim police officer Kat Chapman, she had shot a little microchip homing device quite like a ankle tag into the strands of Josh’s hair, meaning if it flops in the close distance of any baby Kat would know and be on Josh like a ferret up a drainpipe. The other crime that Josh is wanted for is being the Grinch of Christmas. But to be fair being on the run wouldn’t do much to have you creating snow angels and hoping maybe you are lucky enough to find a penguin to drink egg nog with. Now really would it? Being on the run from the law would be very drepressing.

 

King Brax is out front looking near and far across nature’s ice rink of snow, and is very alarmed to see three police cars speeding towards him. Also not far behind their taillights come the stomping sounds and the noshing of snapping jaws as the demonic sheep from Farmer Matt’s farm. Giving chase are two very tired looking Sheppard women,  and a third Sheppard woman Marilyn who is bouncing along with energy in a pair of brightly sporty trainers following behind fast are the sheep The police cars come to a skidding halting stop sending snowy dust clouds up into the sheep’s eyes. Miss Kat Chapman does a much styled jumping dive out of the side door of her police cruiser and fires numerous shots at the very angry flock of attacking wool balls. Josh uses the gunfire and the fact that everybody in the stable have run out to watch what they think is a explosion of fireworks in the sky as part of the Celebrations for the birth of Billie’s baby. Josh uses this as a distraction.  Everybody but VJ and Billie and Christmas elf dressed Tori are the only ones left inside the stable, when Josh barges on through its back passage.

 

Billie feels as though she’s  pushing a watermelon through her insides she can feel the baby’s tears as its head pops out and there just metres away from its face is the baby’s golden dummy sat upon the red varlet of King Justin’s present presenting royal cushion. Josh thinking of nothing better than spoiling a baby’s moment of fun dashes forwards to yank the dummy away.

Billie sweats and screams and VJ pats her arm with a there, there kind of gesture. Tori tries not to puke on the hay as the baby pops out all the way screaming its little head off. Tori would have normally said that the sound of a crying baby was a healthy thing but given that Josh was teasing it with its gifted dummy from King Justin, Tori could only take the sound of the angelic delight to mean it was very pissed off and angry baby.

Police Officer nice but dim Kat Chapman then barges on through the barn’s doors. Kat is followed by the rest of the gathered guests of Billie’s birthing party and that meant also flocks of upset toothless sheep.

 

“Josh you are arrested for being a menace to babies and stealing away their joy” Kat proclaims. The floppy haired Josh turns smugly.

“Ah humbug too you Officer Kitty Kat” 

“Josh  your also wanted on charges of being the Christmas Grinch Kat informs everyone.

Josh throws his floppy hair back and blows a raspberry.

“Oh cheer the flaming hell up you galah it’s Christmas” Santa pipes up.

“Says the most happiest Santa on this planet” King Justin says laughing.

 

“Right you know what I’m going to do?” Kat asks.

“No darl we don’t” Irene asks coming forwards to coo at Billie and VJ’s new baby. Irene yanks the dummy away from Josh as she does so the little newly born baby claps her hands happily.

Justin smiles at the fact of his gift being the biggest hit in amongst the other kings gifts. Brax has given a checked styled blanket, while King Ash had given her a outburst of rage as he had stud his toe on a nail on the way into the stable, and this had resulted in the baby giving him a punch on the nose.

Leah and Marilyn had given the gifts of lipsticks, and Leah gave VJ some very naggy motherly advice about how to bring up the baby. Brody gave the gift of a hat a chefs hat to be exact, and Kat gave the gift of arresting Josh and Santa for being right grumpy pants at Christmas time, and they were both ordered to take part in a Christmas bootcamp where according to Kat they would stop being so spiteful and get back their Christmas sprits. The classes were lead by a very joyful sunshiny person called Chris Harrington. Kat took it on herself to sign over Santa duties to King Justin until the old grumpy pants got back.

 

Ziggy Brody’s food critic lady lifts her camera and takes the photo of that well known Christmas scene and while that picture is being taken. There’s another scene that is happening and that’s of magic and wonder and its down you lot out there who is reading this story to make sure this Christmas time is as magical and fun as you possibility can Everyone have a very Merry Christmas 

The End.   

 

 

 

 

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