Jokes Thread!!

[*purple*star*]

Hahaha...What a joke!!!!

[flutterby]

Si that was very funny, I don't know whether to be amused or offended!

Q. Why do Oranges peel?

A. Because you can't clean a window with a spade!

[cleo]

I got these jokes off a website

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

==================================Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - -

("com-for-da-bul" )

[-Emily-]

A man was driving along, when his car broke down. A bee appeared on his window and said 'I can fix it'. After a while the bee came back and the man started his car. The man asked, 'What did you put in my car?' The bee replied'BP!'

Geddittt??!!

[superman's girlfriend]

What you call dog with no legs?

Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

[superman's girlfriend]

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

[whispered_envy]

This isn't mine, but it's funny.

----

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We

need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

[Formerly Known as FKAJ]

Trevor loves tractors, he absolutely adores them.

He has tractor sheets, tractor curtains, tractor cutlery, he even has an old tractor in the garden he loves to tinker with.

So when Trevor hears that the Tractor show is in town, he's ecstatic.

He puts on his tractor socks, suit, and tractor tie, and walks to the show.

He goes into the first showroom, and straight away there's the most beautiful tractor he's ever seen. It's parts are polished so much he can see his face in them.

He looks at it and thinks... "I wonder what that sounds like..."

So he climbs up onto the tractor, and finds the key. He turns it.

"Vroooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo"

The tractor starts up, and just when he's enjoying the sound of it, the tractor turns off and he's pulled off the seat by a large man in a suit (but no tractors on his tie)

"What do you think you are doing? This is a tractor show, not a joyride site!" says the angry man.

"Sorry" says Trevor, and goes on his way.

The next room has a large Trac-2000 tractor. Trevor's heard about these in his tractor magazines, they're meant to be faster than anything. The wheels reach up to his head, and it too glistens in the lights of the showroom.

But those niggling thoughts creep in again, he looks at it and thinks... "I wonder what that sounds like..."

So he climbs up the steps into the canopy, reaches for the keys, and turns it.

"vvvvvvvvvVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV"

The tractor starts up, it sounds like a dream, but before he can grab the steering wheel he is once again accosted and pulled out of the tractor.

"What on Earth are you doing?" says the angry man, "If I catch you doing that again, you're out of here!"

Trevor is upset, but his love of tractors wins, and he goes onto the next showroom.

"Hmm... I wonder where the tractor is" he thinks.

Then he realises that in each corner of the large room is the bottom of a wheel. He is in fact standing underneath what may be the biggest tractor in existence. It's even got tours around the multiple floors of the inside.

So he gets in the elevator next to the right-front whel, and heads to the top floor, the bridge of the tractor.

He steps out, and everything's beautiful. Glistening with crystal, gold, diamonds, with liquid crystal touchscreen displays for the controls.

And he can't help it... He looks at it and thinks... "I wonder what that sounds like..."

At this time, he doesn't care about the warning from the angry man running the showroom. He reaches for one of the controls and presses "On"

The sound is glorious! His ears prick up at what sounds like an airplane engine mixed with the beeps of the bridge's many tractor diagnostic and startup tools.

He looks around, enjoying every minute, but as he sits in the driver's chair the elevator door opens, and the angry man enters, flanked by two security guards.

Needless to say, Trevor was out on the streets in no time, kicked out by the angry man, who shouts "And I will make sure that you never set foot near another tractor IN YOUR LIFE!"

Trevor is distraught, he loves tractors, but if he can't go near them.......

In his anger, he rips off his tie, removes the pattern from his socks, and goes down the pub to drown his sorrows.

He sits down, the barman recognises his sadness and gives him a whisky on the house.

Suddenly, a fire starts in the back room, people are running, screaming, scared for their lives. People start to file out of the pub, but Trevor quickly stands and walks towards the back room.

He takes a long inhale of breath, and breathes in all the smoke from the room, then runs outside and exhales it all into the sky.

He probably saved countless lives being lost by smoke inhalation.

When the firemen come and congratulate him, they obviously ask, "How did you do it?"

"Easy" said Trevor, "I'm an Ex-Tractor-Fan"